Category Archives: Family Life

Weaving A Marriage

Posted on by
2

Have you ever considered how marriage is like the best weaving project?

It is an interweaving of experiences:

  • All the shared experiences, joyous and sorrowful
  • Family rituals, celebrations, family meals, travel experiences
  • Joyous times with neighbors and friends
  • A rhythmical life of faith in the day, the week, the year if that is part of your family life
  • Sexual intimacy
  • The sharing of dreams, thoughts, opinions, goals, desires
  • The sharing of laughter, fun and joy as a couple and as a family; shared goals and values
  • The experiences of serving each other and serving the family

And perhaps interwoven into these experiences are the things that make a marriage what it is:

  • Two people, each one putting the other person’s welfare and welfare of the entire family,  ahead of themselves
  • Loyalty and fidelity to each other and the family
  • Faith
  • Respect  for one another and being able to work in cooperation with mutual admiration for one another
  • Kindness  to each other publicly and privately
  • Honesty to each other with open and direct communication
  • Integrity
  • Attraction to each other physically and emotionally
  • Enjoyment of each other – laughter and joy

(And the  notable things that are not woven into the fabric:  things such as sarcasm  toward each other if that is an unwanted way to communicate within your family , being passive-aggressive, being selfish)

How are you weaving your marriage today? What are you weaving in and what are you leaving out to make the weaving even more beautiful?

Live big and  love each other,

Carrie

The July Doldrums- AGAIN?

Posted on by
8

Ah, it is that time of year!  The time of year when I want to flee out of the Deep South and go somewhere else!  (And since we just returned from vacation, I guess that won’t be happening, sniff).  Last year I wrote out some simple steps to help mothers deal with the July Doldrums (yes, this an official name now, LOL).  Here is that back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/31/down-and-out-the-july-doldrums/  and here are a few more ideas, suggestions and thoughts:

  • How has everyone done with establishing a Summer Rhythm?  If you have small children, they really cannot be left to just wander the house in the Summer and “find something to do” – essentially because this leads to the “Summer Bickering and Fighting”.  Summer can be a more expansive time, but please do be sure to plan some daily rest times and predictable bedtimes as well!
  • This is a great time of year to connect your children to nature with catching fireflies, swimming in lakes and oceans, hiking and camping.  For some more inspiration, please do catch this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/01/celebrating-summer-with-small-children-a-waldorf-perspective/

On the home front, perhaps these posts will give you all some inspiration.  Here are a few oldies but goodies that perhaps you have not read if you are new to this blog:

  • How about focusing on your home?  One thing I do every Summer is go through my WHOLE house, the closets, the garage, the drawers, that storage upstairs and try to get everything in order for the upcoming school year.  Perhaps this post will serve as inspiration:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/12/is-your-home-a-sanctuary/
  • Need some parenting inspiration?  How about these posts?

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/16/mindful-parenting-practices-that-every-parent-should-know/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/08/embracing-and-uplifting/

Need some more inspiration?  Out in blog land, I am  enjoying some of Melisa Nielsen’s posts – this one on patience is worth a look: http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2010/07/are-you-patient.html

How about some Arts and Crafts?  The other blog I am really enjoying for all the wonderful arts and crafts ideas is from one of my readers!  Please see here for some great art projects:  http://pinkandgreenmama.blogspot.com/

Enjoy your Summer! (or Winter as it may be Down Under! :))

Many blessings,

Carrie

When Does Co-Sleeping End?

Posted on by
7

Many mothers ask this question, especially when infant number two or three comes along:  exactly how long should co-sleeping last? when will it end? 

In my experience, age five (possibly by age  four if there is an older sibling in the room as well), is an age where many children at least start in their own beds.  They frequently then will come in when they wake up in the night. 

However, even if children START in their own beds, they need to be parented to sleep.  Most children like you to lay down with them until they fall asleep.  This is the time of the day where your child may be most relaxed and will  really talk about serious things that are on his or her mind.  It is an opportunity not to be missed!!    Most children who are aged eight or so can talk to you, cuddle with you, kiss you good night and then go off to their own room and crawl into bed and fall asleep.  They still might like to sleep with you several nights a week if you are open to that.

I find most children sleep pretty well through the night typically around ages six to seven, unless they are sick.

I personally think one should keep a bed open to children as long as possible.  If they want to be close to you, why deny the opportunity for connecting with them?  Growing up can be scary and wonderful and challenging.  Even a nine-year-old is still pretty  little. Childhood is such a short time and being open to just being there and being available gives children such a comfort.  

Many blessings,

Carrie

PS.  And please don’t forget this back post if you need more:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/

A Parenting Plan

Posted on by
6

I talk a lot about planning for homeschooling on this blog, but today I would like to talk about developing a  plan for parenting.  How does one go about helping the child and the family love and have joy together?  

This is how my personal planning for parenting goes, and perhaps this outline will help you develop your own plan for your own family:

THE VISION:

Think of the four areas that are predominate in the child’s life:  the spiritual, the educational element (not just “school” but real-life common sense, etc), the element of work within the family life (and as the child is maturing perhaps the notion of work outside of the family), and relationships within and outside of the family.  This idea is from Rick Johnson’s “That’s My Son”, but I think it is applicable for all children, both genders.

Next, assess where your child is.  What seven-year-stage are they in?  What techniques can one use within this stage most effectively? 

Ask yourself, where is my child in each area right now and where are they going to be in the next six months?  This can be difficult if this is your first child since you may not have a great sense of the “big picture”, but try to think about this.  Meditate and pray on it. 

What areas are most challenging for my child right now?  What would make this better?  What needs to happen not only from my child, but from me, from other family members to help this child?

Then the plan comes in.  How could I help uplift my child to the next level, past this challenge?  How can I envision and think of this child at the next level?  How am I keeping my heart open with this child, and how I am showing this child my emotional warmth and love?  What is my plan?

Who do I need to help with my plan?  Do I need a mentor for my child?  Does my child need to learn a particular skill? 

I find this really helpful when I meditate and pray about each of my children, and then I add my notes to my Homemaking Notebook. 

Live big and love your children,

Carrie

Reflections on Baptism and Parenting

Posted on by
7

Many of my faithful readers know that at this time we are in beautiful St. Croix with family to celebrate a fiftieth wedding anniversary and our third child’s baptism.  This rite of baptism was profound for me personally this time around, and I thought of several parallels to baptism and parenting to share with you all.

Baptism involves water.  Down here in the tropics, water is extremely important.  Fresh water is scarce, the ocean is just outside the window, and the power of water is around day in and day out. We think of drinking water, water for the health of the sea creatures and for humans, water for recreation and beauty.  Water has the power for cleansing, and also for drowning.  Baptism is profound in that we are taking a vow for our children, as parents and as a congregation, that the child themselves will re-affirm at the time of confirmation.  It is a direction in the Sea of Life that we start and our children fulfill.

Isn’t parenting like this description in so many ways? 

From the cleansing power of water to drown our old selves, where we emerge a new and wondrous creation, we really can take the oppression of our old  parenting ways and get rid of them!  Every day is a new day.  We have the power to become the parent we want to be.  It is a long journey, we are still only human, but we can keep striving and we can keep showing our children what life looks like when we try.

The connection between baptism and confimation reminds me of this:  there is no way we can be all things to our children.  We cannot be perfect parents and we cannot make childhood perfect (as much as we try).  We start in our children a good work, we give them the best foundation that we know how to give, but the child has to step up to fulfill their own destiny.  The child eventually will take  control of themselves, their gifts and talents,  and use the positive things they have been given.  I can give my child opportunities, I can nurture the gifts that I see my child has, but ultimately what the child does is build on what we start with them as a family.

This summer, I asked you all to consider finding a way to actively and concretely demonstrate your spiritual and religious beliefs to your children.  I have also written time and time again as to the value of a Family Mission Statement and a Personal Vision Statement.  These things are so important.  You cannot start teaching your child if you do not know yourself what is most important to you and how you show this through action in your life.

How do you structure your life around what you profess is most important to you?  How do you use your time?  You all know I am Master of The Use of Small Chunks of Time (I think you have to be when you have very small children!  It is possible to accomplish great things in only ten minutes here and there).  How do you show your children your worldview?  What is your worldview?  Are you anxious and complaining and grumbling or do you greet each day as the gift that it is?  How do you demonstrate love and compassion and forgiveness?  How do you teach your child out of sheer love  how they are going to grow into compassionate adults with something wonderful to offer the world (or do you try to intimidate them to be better?) 

Live big and love your children,

Carrie

The De-Escalator

Posted on by
6

Do you frequently come into a situation in your home in which a conflict needs to be worked out?  (Uh, every parent on the planet nods their head here).  Okay, so then do you typically escalate the situation or do you de-escalate it?

I ask this because many times we are in the midst of a situation in which our children require our guidance, and we think we are offering guidance, but we are doing it in the heat of the moment and in such a way that most likely all the child will remember afterwards is not the situation, not the “lesson” to be learned, but the way you made him or her feel.  Remember, you cannot guide the situation or have the child learn anything from the situation if everyone is crying, screaming, yelling or hitting.  You really  have to wait until things calm down until you can guide.  And then the piece after that is in the activity of doing, of restitution.  Save the lecture!  Work on the doing!

This is also true in any relationship where there is a conflict.  I remember finding this 45 record (remember those from oh so long ago?)  amongst my mother’s things – The Beatles’ “We Can Work It Out.”  Here it is to get you in the mood for some conflict resolution:

 

Love this, and what a timely reminder in conflict.  This phrase also happens to be the title of a nifty little NonViolent Communication book entitled (yes!):  “We Can Work It Out:  Resolving Conflicts Peacefully and  Powerfully:  A presentation of Nonvionent Communication ideas, and their use” by Marshall B Rosenberg, PhD.  This little booklet is only about 22 pages long, but I think it is very valuable in helping decipher what to do in conflict. 

The minute we start thinking, “Well, the problem with my child is that they won’t do “X”” that is really not expressing what we NEED.  We also do this with our spouses as well:   “Well, if my husband didn’t do “X” everything would be fine.”  I find that often mothers don’t really know what they need, but they sure know what they don’t like when they see it. 🙂  However, in order to have someone help you get what you want, you have to know what you need.

Dr. Rosenburg has a wonderful sentence in this book:  “At the point where either party hears themselves being criticized, diagnosed, or intellectually interpreted, I predict their energy will turn toward self-defense and counter-accusations rather than toward resolutions that meet everyone’s needs.” 

So, I think if you can define what you DO want, and then think of a strategy that meets what your need is, then you  have a much better chance at guiding your child.

The other part that can be very challenging but necessary in parenting is what Dr. Rosenburg calls “sensing the needs of others regardless of how others are expressing themselves.’ 

This is very hard with children if they are yelling or hitting or screaming.  But they are telling you something with this behavior if you can look underneath all that and then try to meet that need that they are showing you.  They need action from you, not a lot of words or questioning.

So, when you walk into a situation that requires conflict resolution, a situation that requires you to be “The De-Escalator”, know that you can do this. Children and family members give us the chance to practice this every day.

Many blessings,

Carrie

A Summer Parenting Project For You

Posted on by
12

Some adults say they are not religious, but that they are spiritual.  So, my question for all of us to ponder today is how we make our religion and/or our spirituality evident to our children through  ACTIVITY?  A child is about DOING.  How does your child see you express your religious and spiritual views?  Do you even know what these are?  And, if not, can you figure them out?

I like what Donna Simmons has to say in her Third Grade Syllabus regarding festivals:  “It seems right to me that as a child develops a new relationship to authority and to his sense of self and place in the world, hallmarks of the Nine Year Change, he needs opportunities  to deepen his relationship to the spiritual worlds.  And what is most important is that this take place via you, your family and your community.  Your child needs to see his parents and significant adults standing strongly in their beliefs.  It might be that some day your child’s path takes her quite some distance from your beliefs, but her first steps need to start from standing firmly beside you.”

I urge you to make one of your projects this summer to explore your own religious and/or spiritual beliefs – really figure out what resonates with you!  Then, can you use the summer to explore places of worship or other venues where you can be with people who have the same spiritual beliefs you do?  But the catch is this:   that place, that venue should  also  be a community  in which your children can participate.  Yes, this has to be something the family participates in, the child participates in, and something the child can see and do. 

The other catch is that you cannot bring your adult perfectionism to the table or your past experiences.  Pick what resonates with you from a clean slate and leave your baggage behind!  Try it! 

Children need this place of religious and spiritual orientation to start from.  Give them that boat to start in and show them which way to paddle.  If in the future, if they decide to throw away the oars and jump off the boat, that is okay – but you at least are giving them a place to start. 

A great meditative summer project!  Would love to hear what happens!

Many blessings,

Carrie

A Plea For Summer Vacation

Posted on by
14

In Waldorf Education, we have vacation in the month of December, we have two whole weeks around Easter, and we take a true Summer Vacation.

Summer Vacation in the United States seems to almost be becoming a thing of the past.  The shelves of Barnes and Noble are crammed with workbooks so your child will not be “ left behind”; every parenting magazine I pick up talks about reading and summer contests for reading so children don’t lose the ability to read; so many homeschoolers I know homeschool  through the summer months….

Ah, but I think in so many ways it is productive to focus on things other than the eyes as connected to the brain during Summer!   Summer is this time when we gloriously live in our senses and take in Nature and all of Creation in this beautiful running stream!  Why would we not work with this time of year instead of trying to work against it?  Growth occurs in the Summer in the body, in the way we process things through those twelve senses!  There are so many things to be learned in the Summer that  one cannot learn from any book and there are  so many skills to develop!

Here are a few examples:  picking fruit from thorny vines and having the sticky juice run down your arms, traveling to the lake, the mountains or the beach and walking barefoot over the sand or tree roots, weeding in the garden in the hot, canning, building, bonfires on St. John’s Tide, camping, fireworks, eating watermelon, swimming in a really cold lake.

If you must focus on something, my plea is to focus on the physical, the practical.  If your child is over five, can they swim really well?  Ride a bike?  Roller skate? Climb a tree?  Traverse the monkey bars by themselves?  Do they help with canning?  Can they clean?  How can they  help with camping?

Most of all, whilst the children play, this is your time to get your house in order for fall, your time to plan your fall homeschool year, and also your time to be outside making joyous memories with your family.

So, my plea is to make this a true vacation, but also to have a balance.  Please speak with your spouse and have at least once a week (or more!) in which you can plan for fall.  Sit down with a calendar and don’t plan to be out every single afternoon – also plan some time to get your house ready for fall.  Slow and steady wins the race for we adults…

But please let the children be on break!  They will come back tan and tall and ready to learn!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Effective Use of the Temperaments in Education and Discipline

Posted on by
11

So far we have looked at the four-fold human being and had an introduction to the temperaments.  Today we are going to peek at HOW to use the temperaments as an ally in education and discipline.  As I have said in the first two parts to this post, this information was presented to our homeschooling group at a wonderful workshop on the temperaments given by our Waldorf Handwork teacher, Ms. Judy Forster.  She is so knowledgeable and wonderful. We are so lucky to have her as part of our group! 

So to start, a quick common question is something like this:  “Yes, I read all the descriptions of the temperaments and I still don’t know what temperament my child is.”

Yes, sometimes it is hard to tell.  It is easy to confuse the predominant temperament of a developmental stage for an individual temperament.  I have heard Waldorf teachers say typically two temperament predominate.

So, Ms. Forster gave us a tip that one place to garner an idea regarding your child’s temperament is in looking at how they approach handwork,   A choleric child will want to be done first with their handwork, and will make mistakes along the way because they are going so fast because they HAVE to be done first.  A sanguine child may have lots of holes in their loose knitting because they got distracted or were too busy talking, and are content to know that maybe the fairies will come and fix it later.  A melancholic child will take their handwork very seriously, they will be extremely detail-oriented  and will rip a piece of knitting apart for the one stitch that was off that that the handwork teacher  told them was okay to leave alone (but they can’t, so then they have to rip it all out when the teacher is not looking).  Their knitting is usually tight.  The phlegmatic child is hard to get going on anything, but once they get going, it is either hard for them to stop – they may end up knitting a rug-sized piece of something when the project was supposed to be small because they just couldn’t stop – or they may just be steady and be done first (much to the chagrin of the choleric child).   Those examples came  from Judy Forster, our wonderful and knowledgeable Handwork teacher.  Please see her Etsy shop here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/mamajudes

Here is an example from me.  I think the temperaments show in how your child deals with  social challenges.  For example, the choleric will be telling everyone what to do, what is fair and not fair, and may end up flying into a rage that they feel immensely sorry about later.  A sanguine child will know who said what and who gets along with who and will be flitting around like a butterfly and taking in everything that every person does.  A melancholic child will figure no one will like them, no one will pick them, and they think that  if they do get picked they will end up with a challenge (ie, disaster) that  no one else in the world has faced.  A phlegmatic child will spend most of the time eating and warming up and getting ready to participate, and by the time they are ready to join in, it will be time to go home.

Hope that gives you all some ideas!  Anyway, on to how to work with these temperaments most effectively!  People act as if our goal should be to eradicate the temperament that the child displays, but that is not the case.  All the temperaments have good things about them; perhaps the case is more how to balance and harmonize (which for most people will not completely happen until they are in their 30s), and also how to use the temperaments as an ally in parenting and education.

CHOLERIC:  Choleric children are actually  really fair and they have big hearts, so appealing to the choleric in that way helps. I once was friends with a very choleric little guy who would break everything.  When he came to my house, I always said something like, “You know, I love how strong you are and you are so fast!  I have this pile of ten oranges and I was wondering if you could squeeze them all by hand so we could have juice for snack.”  Worked beautifully.

When a choleric rages and breaks something, if the child is between 7 and 9, I would wait until the next day to talk to them about it.  Usually by that time they are so regretful they have punished themselves more than you ever possibly could.  The worst thing to do would be to get wrapped up in their anger personally.  You must be the wall for them to bounce off of. 

SANGUINE:  Interrupt their work and give them little tasks to do before they take off and interrupt their own work.  You are in charge of the interruption during homeschool, for example.  You need something delivered to a neighbor, you need the tomato plants watered, the dog needs something, whatever.  If you keep interrupting them, they will finally settle down to work!  Work on building up their endurance in this way – the first week interrupt their work so many times a hour and then the second week drop the number of interruptions and then keep lengthening the time that they are focused on a task.

Also, sanguine children love beauty, so be beautiful!  Put flowers in your schoolroom, wear something beautiful.  They will notice.  It will captivate them.  This is also a good way to work on this temperament if you are not naturally drawn to beauty in your daily life..say if you are predominately melancholic and pre-occupied with worry.  🙂

MELANCHOLIC:  Melancholic children have great sympathy, so appealing to what you really need and what obstacles you have yourself your day and if the child could just do “X” how helpful that would be.  I think the other place to work with melancholics is through story telling regarding perfectionism.  Donna Simmons has a good example of a story for a melancholic in her First Grade Syllabus, and there are many more examples out there.

The other key to a melancholic child is to just listen and to feel truly compassionate.  The child truly feels these things do not happen to anyone else on earth,  ever in the history of mankind…So listening, and then perhaps sharing something similar from your own childhood.  The melancholic child will be most interested in stories where the hero overcomes enormous hardship.  🙂

PHLEGMATIC:  To me, this group is the hardest.  They will sit like small little lumps for quite some time.  Our handwork teacher recommends ignoring that they are even there for a time being (which is hard without a classroom of children  to carry, I find).  Some of them will be motivated to do something if it has to be done before snack time comes.   I think rhythm is  a great help to the phlegmatic because transitions can often be hard.   When they say they are “bored”, give them full permission to be with their boredom. Encourage it.  🙂 

The other thing I learned at the temperament workshop is that Fourth  Grade, when children are ten and obviously after the nine-year-change, is when one starts to see “Extraverted” and “Introverted” categories of these temperaments….So, for example, an “introverted melancholic” may be a child to watch closely in the school years for obvious reasons. 

The other little note I thought of is that if you feel you are predominately one way or the other way, what could you do to enliven the other temperaments within you?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Secrets Of A Happy Marriage

Posted on by
7

Those of you who read this blog know how very important I think the state of your marital union is for setting the tone in your home and for the health of your children in their future relationships.  I have written quite a few blog posts on marriage, on challenges in marriage, and once a year I write on my own marriage.  Here is the post from last year, on the 21st anniversary of our first date: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/01/happy-anniversary-to-my-husband/  .  Today is our 18th year wedding anniversary and time for another post!

By the way, I am not certain I  really do have “secrets” about having a good marriage, but I think I have learned some things about marriage, at least about my own marriage,  in these eighteen years.  I am sure you all have your own thoughts on what makes a great marriage, and please feel free to share your ideas in the comment box below!

Here are a few of  our ideas for a happy marriage:

My husband says the biggest secret for him is to “take marriage seriously, but to be able to laugh at yourself and with each other.”  HUMOR and WARMTH are really big in our house from laughing in the middle of a fight to giving each other compliments to just enjoying being together and little jokes.  Humor and warmth are huge. Physical touch is definitely part of this warmth:  hand-holding, back rubs, close space, and yes, intimacy. All of these things are huge.

Faith and praying together really strengthens our marriage.  When my husband knows the children and I are praying for him when he is in a big presentation or meeting, it lifts his spirits and we all feel connected to each other and to our Creator. 

Seeing the best in each other.  We all have faults and flaws, but if we can love each other through that and make allowances for that knowing we are human, then love and forgiveness and striving for more can enter the feeling life of the home.  Respect for each other and respect for even the differences in our opinions makes life flow. 

Working together is what makes our marriage thrive; being able to solve problems together and work toward solutions together   through  good communication and  having a positive attitude (there is that humor and warmth again!).  Part of working together means surrendering the notion that you are always right, that you always know best and being able to make space for ideas that involve both of you.

We have nights were we are engrossed in reading or writing or doing our own thing, but we also  have nights where we are engrossed in being together.   Spending lots of time as a family works well for us as we enjoy being together. 

A happy marriage is the bedrock of a happy family. 

 Much love to you and yours today,

Carrie