Happy Anniversary to my husband!

I cannot believe we are almost in “double decades” of our marriage; that used to seem like a number only old people could attain.  Yet, here we are.

It has been such a journey and such an adventure we have undertaken.  Who would have thought that any “ordinary life” could be anything but ordinary?  Every day is a walk along this road together with amazing vistas and spectacular sunsets.

One thing I know for sure is that our sense of humor and the way we are laid back about things has helped us smooth the roads we ventured forth on.  The way we have been able to put ourselves first as a couple together  but also have had respect for who we are as individuals has also been a cornerstone as we have grown together over the years has also made the journey light.

It is funny, endearing and yes, scary,  when we can have a conversation with no words but I know exactly what you are thinking or when we can pass a glance between us and  you know exactly what I am  thinking.  How did this happen that we know each other so well? 

Thank you for teaching me the  secrets to a happy marriage as we walk together:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/30/secrets-of-a-happy-marriage/

Most of all, thank you for journeying with me.  I love you!

Many blessings,

Carrie

I was thinking about women today who have essentially been alone in their marriage.  Married but alone seems a contradiction in terms, yet it happens so frequently. 

In my personal experience in dealing with families, I have seen three types of “being alone” in a marriage: 

1.  Physically Alone – perhaps these husbands travel a lot or are in the military and are gone.  My husband was active-duty military, so I understand that one.

2. Emotionally Alone – communication breaks down and there are no shared feelings, no support,  no warmth for each other

3.  Socially Alone – perhaps  no common interests or shared time is happening.

I certainly am not a marriage counselor and don’t propose to have an answer to this, but I can think of a few places I have seen other families start.

If you are in this situation, could you try – (and these are just my ideas, so please do take what resonates with you as again, I am not a marriage counselor!)

• To attempt to have ten minutes a day where you sit down and talk about the day (and trying to talk about something more than the logistics of bills and where children need to go the next day!)  Would a Non Violent Communication Group help you both communicate better with each other? 
• To have a date lunch with just the infant and leave the other children at home, or have a date after the children go to bed?  Or have a date early in the morning before the children wake up?
• To find a shared, common interest?  What did you all do when you dated?  What did you like to do?  Could you do that again?
• Counseling if you need a third party or a marriage tune-up?  I have mentioned before that the Imago therapists are seen as compatible with attachment parenting by Attachment Parenting International :  http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/   
• Can you nurture yourself anyway, even if you are alone or lonely?  What would that look like for you?  If you know yourself and feel confident in yourself, that can only help your marriage.  That is something so very attractive! 
• How is your spiritual journey?  Is that something you could work on as a couple?
• How could you work as a cooperative team?
• Could you love your spouse anyway through the way you treat him, by the things you do to put him ahead of you and would he respond to that?

Live big and love each other,

Carrie

Have you ever considered how marriage is like the best weaving project?

It is an interweaving of experiences:

• All the shared experiences, joyous and sorrowful
• Family rituals, celebrations, family meals, travel experiences
• Joyous times with neighbors and friends
• A rhythmical life of faith in the day, the week, the year if that is part of your family life
• Sexual intimacy
• The sharing of dreams, thoughts, opinions, goals, desires
• The sharing of laughter, fun and joy as a couple and as a family; shared goals and values
• The experiences of serving each other and serving the family

And perhaps interwoven into these experiences are the things that make a marriage what it is:

• Two people, each one putting the other person’s welfare and welfare of the entire family,  ahead of themselves
• Loyalty and fidelity to each other and the family
• Faith
• Respect  for one another and being able to work in cooperation with mutual admiration for one another
• Kindness  to each other publicly and privately
• Honesty to each other with open and direct communication
• Integrity
• Attraction to each other physically and emotionally
• Enjoyment of each other – laughter and joy

(And the  notable things that are not woven into the fabric:  things such as sarcasm  toward each other if that is an unwanted way to communicate within your family , being passive-aggressive, being selfish)

How are you weaving your marriage today? What are you weaving in and what are you leaving out to make the weaving even more beautiful?

Live big and  love each other,

Carrie

Those of you who read this blog know how very important I think the state of your marital union is for setting the tone in your home and for the health of your children in their future relationships.  I have written quite a few blog posts on marriage, on challenges in marriage, and once a year I write on my own marriage.  Here is the post from last year, on the 21st anniversary of our first date: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/01/happy-anniversary-to-my-husband/  .  Today is our 18th year wedding anniversary and time for another post!

By the way, I am not certain I  really do have “secrets” about having a good marriage, but I think I have learned some things about marriage, at least about my own marriage,  in these eighteen years.  I am sure you all have your own thoughts on what makes a great marriage, and please feel free to share your ideas in the comment box below!

Here are a few of  our ideas for a happy marriage:

My husband says the biggest secret for him is to “take marriage seriously, but to be able to laugh at yourself and with each other.”  HUMOR and WARMTH are really big in our house from laughing in the middle of a fight to giving each other compliments to just enjoying being together and little jokes.  Humor and warmth are huge. Physical touch is definitely part of this warmth:  hand-holding, back rubs, close space, and yes, intimacy. All of these things are huge.

Faith and praying together really strengthens our marriage.  When my husband knows the children and I are praying for him when he is in a big presentation or meeting, it lifts his spirits and we all feel connected to each other and to our Creator. 

Seeing the best in each other.  We all have faults and flaws, but if we can love each other through that and make allowances for that knowing we are human, then love and forgiveness and striving for more can enter the feeling life of the home.  Respect for each other and respect for even the differences in our opinions makes life flow. 

Working together is what makes our marriage thrive; being able to solve problems together and work toward solutions together   through  good communication and  having a positive attitude (there is that humor and warmth again!).  Part of working together means surrendering the notion that you are always right, that you always know best and being able to make space for ideas that involve both of you.

We have nights were we are engrossed in reading or writing or doing our own thing, but we also  have nights where we are engrossed in being together.   Spending lots of time as a family works well for us as we enjoy being together. 

A happy marriage is the bedrock of a happy family. 

 Much love to you and yours today,

Carrie

Almost every month I write a post on this topic, but it is so important it bears repeating every month!  How are you and your spouse doing?  Are you strong and unified and having fun or are things tense and battle-like?

Here are some questions/ ideas for this month: 

• What is the one little nice thing you do for your spouse each and every day in front of your children?
• When is the time you and your spouse get to sit down and have a conversation?
• How often are you intimate?
• How often do you compliment your spouse?  I have read studies (who does these?) that men need an average of ten compliments a day.  Do you even come close to that?
• How often do you laugh together?
• How is the work around the house shared by both of you?
• How often are you plain in asking your husband what you need?  My husband often says to me, ” Honey, just tell me what you need and I will help you!  Even after almost 18 years of marriage, I can’t read your mind!”  Yep, men are not generally mind-readers!
• What do you and your spouse love to do together?
• What does your family do spiritually together?  Does your husband say a blessing over your meal?  Is there some special way your children see both of you honor spirituality in your home?

I do not think it is necessary to leave your baby or a toddler who has separation anxiety at home whilst you go out to “have time together.”  Your children grow up so quickly, it really is a short time.  Have a date at home after you put the children to bed!  If your children are older and you have trusted family, how about a morning or afternoon date – many times that is much more successful than going out in the  evening until the children are older…

I think the other important thing to consider in the midst of this topic of renewal with your spouse is renewal with yourself!  If you are feeling close to burned out, this is important to consider.

Just a few thoughts tonight.

Many blessings,

Carrie

No one sets off to fall “out of love” with their partner.  Sometimes, though, as careers and finances and parenting and life just settle in all around us, in those spaces and cracks  between us and our partner, we can feel less than loving.  It can be hard to remember back to those first days of being in love with our partner or spouse, how our heart raced, how much we wanted to be with that person every minute, how excited we were to get married and be together!

I think you can recapture this feeling in your marriage or partnership, but all too often mothers put their spouse and their marital relationship dead last on the list of priorities.  Or something that I hear many mothers speak of is this “growing apart” –wanting different ways to relax at the end of the day, different ways to want to spend the precious amount of time one may get alone whilst raising small children, and how to balance spending time as a family, together as a couple and alone….It is challenging to say the least.

I  think “love”, traditionally associated with this month due to St. Valentine’s Day is a good, simple place to start in your most treasured relationship. Love can be a noun, but it also can be a verb.  So in this simple month of February, how can you make this feeling of  love come alive  for your partner in  life?

Sometimes it is the very small things, such as bringing your spouse a glass of water whilst they are working outside on a hot day. Sometimes it is the large things, supporting your partner through work situations or backing your partner up in parenting. 

How else  will love become a verb this month in your own home, in your own reality?  Here are some random thoughts I had:

• Many fathers seem to feel “scheduling” time together is not very  spontaneous (which it is not) or romantic (but it can be!)  When is there time for just you and your spouse?  In the early years of attachment parenting, it is very easy to get caught up in your baby’s and toddler’s needs; it is necessary. But, at the same time, you cannot put your marriage and relationship last on the list for years on end! 
• I don’t think you need to escape from your baby or toddler in order to be together.  Catch those moments together during nap times, have take-out and a movie to play after your little one goes to bed, steal away for intimacy in the middle of the night. Be creative with gathering those bits of time in busy family life, because your marriage is worth it.
• Physical intimacy!   It is so important!
• If you are in different places as far as what you like to do together, see if you can compromise and each get to pick different things to do as a couple.  How often do you just sit and talk about things that don’t involve finances, the house, the children?  That is so valuable to just connect with each other.
• Think about what your spouse hears from you when he walks in the door: does he only hear you upset and complaining or nagging or does he hear how happy you are to see him, how much you missed him today, how much you love him?  Do you ever thank him for the things he does do that you enjoy, that are helpful to you?  Can you be cheerful and tell him the good things that happen during the day as well as the sorrows?
• Do you try to be attractive for yourself and for him as well?  Yes, I know that sounds so old-fashioned, but I think that is part of my job as a wife to be clean and attractive to him.  I also like to try to pick up the house before my husband gets home, so he is not coming home to a sea of chair forts with blankets everywhere.  I try to have a warm dinner ready so we can eat together as a family.  When you have small children, these seemingly basic things can be so challenging in themselves, but I think it is of worth to work on them as your children grow.

For simple February, love really is all you need.  Make it a verb and see what you can do to grow together.  Twenty years from now your children will be gone, and you want to have a loving relationship through all those years and beyond. Simplicity means picking priorities, and this really should be one of them!

Simple times this month,

Carrie