Category Archives: Development

How Do I Instill Inner Discipline In My Child?

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Many parents see the ultimate goal of guiding and  parenting a child to be that the child will have an ability to “discipline” him or herself, an ability to have initiative but also be able to  think before acting, and that the child/ young adult will ultimately  take responsibility for his or her own actions.

The question is how to do get to this, of course.  Parenting sites all over the Internet talk  about the “obedience” of the small under-7 child, “defiance” and every other thing out there that makes it seems as if children are not part of a family, not part of following the mother and father, but this Oppositional Force To Be Reckoned With.

We have to think of discipline in the light of two things: CONNECTION, and DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES.  I have written about these two things over and over, and I guess I will keep saying it until more parents hear.

Connection is your number one key to discipline and guiding of a child.  Didn’t you ever do or not do something as a grades school child  because you were so connected to your family, to the expectations of your family’s culture?  Not through shame or coercion, but because of love.  That is what I am talking about.  Looking up to a loving authority because it is so.

Small children are not really at this point yet.  Their impulses often far outweigh their thoughts.  It is not that small children do not ever think, please do not misunderstand, but  their physical impulses and lack of impulse control is really, really strong.  They need a lot of physical help from you, a lot of repetition, to really do the right thing.  They are more likely to do what you do rather than to do what you say.  You cannot drive the car of the small child by  using your horn (yelling)- you also have to use the steering wheel (involve their bodies!)    They are SMALL.  A child under the age of 7 is SMALL. 

So, to instill self-discipline or inner discipline in a child is a much longer process than people in American society would like.  They would like the child to be self-disciplined, “obedient”, yet able to problem-solve and think for themselves and be mature, pretty much from the womb.  Be independent, yet fold right into the family culture without so much as a peep.  From birth.

Let me assist you for a moment with my vision of working with a child toward inner discipline, based upon attachment parenting and Waldorf parenting.  Pick what resonates with you and your family’s culture.  You are the expert on your own family.

Birth – Age 7: These are the years to establish TRUST with this child.  This will make a PROFOUND difference in the years of 14-21 if you will just do this one step.  Do not be afraid to breastfeed, sleep with, bathe with, hold this child.    Show this child GOODNESS.  We do this by giving them something worthy to IMITATE.  They are not ready to run around and be independent yet, but they are ready to learn things with you, by your side.  The child is in a period of remarkable PHYSICAL development, and that is the realm in which we must work with the child. Being outside is important from this physical perspective.   This is also your time as a parent to really discern the ESSENTIAL things in your family life, and to find that it is okay to not do everything all at once.   Rhythm is your helper and friend.  Less choices, more relaxed presenting of clothing, food, but also knowing when it is okay that your child wants this over that.  Also, this notion of PROTECTING the child and the child’s senses.  It is okay to do this!  That is the fine art of parenting, and it takes practice!

Age 7-14:  These are the years to present to the child a LOVING AUTHORITY.  Show this child BEAUTY in the world through artistic work, creative work and by being outside, seeing that beauty in nature; children at this point FEEL things so strongly.    This is also the time for community, for other trusted and like-minded adults.  This is also a time for a spiritual practice, a child coming up on nine has many questions about the world, about their Creator, about religion – it really is important that you become clear about how you feel about all this.  This is the time to think hard about doing things at the right time: is it the right time for my child to go to see a movie? Have a cell phone?  Walk to the store alone?  Most of all, these are the years to really cultivate WARMTH toward your child and where they are.  Some mothers wrote in under the post asking for discipline challenges about their negative 10 and 11 year olds – can we have warmth for these children?  It is vital in this stage.  After the ninth year, the child has a MUCH better sense of natural consequences, a stronger sense of self, and now is the time to give weight to his ideas, thoughts, perhaps relax that rhythm a bit, but also to give MORE RESPONSIBILITY.  Negotiation and compromise become more important, but BOUNDARIES are still there.  Finding that Middle Way between the polarities of life.   

Age 14-21:  These are the years to present to the child TRUTH.  They are THINKERS; the teenager can make decisions and take responsibility for his or her decisions.  Boundaries are there to push against, parents are there to help and to guide.  Keep connecting with this child through the gift of time and listening.    I highly recommend Barbara Coloroso’s “Kids Are Worth It!  Giving Your Child The Gift of Inner Discipline”  as a framework of gentle discipline for these years, really from twelve up.

Many blessings as you discern what is right for your family.

Carrie

Parenting Exhaustion!

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I think many parents look back at the baby and toddler years fondly and say things like, “If only my teenager’s problems could be solved by a nice warm bath”  “If only I could distract them with a pail and shovel in the sandbox” but I think these parents have forgotten the sheer physicality that prevails in parenting in these Early Years.

  • It is exhausting to change a baby’s diaper when they hate it and are crawling away (or when they are a toddler, running away!)
  • It is exhausting to chase your toddler down the street because they left the park.   Again.  With a baby on your hip and an older child racing beside you.
  • It is exhausting when you have literally saved your toddler from death about fifty times in one day despite the fact you have “child-proofed” everything in sight.

Just plain tiring.  Nursing, rocking, holding, co sleeping, co bathing, chasing, playing, feeding and starting all over again and again all night and all day.

So here are my Top Secret Super Survival Tips!  (Eh, not so top secret, but doesn’t that sound fun??!)

  • Keep it simple.  Toddlers do not need a lot of excursions, play dates and trips to the store.  Try to run errands later or have someone else do it; if there is one place you go that is repeatedly a problem, for example, a certain park or a store parking lot, then by all means skip going there for awhile.  Only time can add maturity.  It is that simple.  Running away and being chased is just plain fun, and that behavior really can persist until they are five years of age or so.  It is hard to leave when you are having a good time!  Same thing with places with  too many overwhelming choices; I was at the library the other day where a little boy (older toddler, probably close to three)  was just sobbing because his poor Mommy wanted him to choose books and he was completely and utterly overwhelmed!  He probably  would have been happier if she had just stopped at the library herself and brought the books home and snuggled with him.   Trying to be quiet AND not run AND pick books out of what probably looked like MILLIONS of books to him really was not working for this little guy. So I guess what I am saying is, please don’t expect too much too soon!  🙂
  • Understand toddler behavior and developmental ages.  There are so many posts on this blog about each age I can’t even count anymore!  Check them out; there is also a whole listing of baby/toddler posts under the Baby/Toddler header.
  • Have a set of tools for dealing with common toddler behaviors.  See here; this one covers running away in public places and face slapping and other fun behaviors (but also look for an upcoming post): https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/11/common-toddler-challenges-and-how-to-solve-them/
  • Structure the environment; your older baby/ toddler pretty much does need to be with you and under your eye at all times.  Don’t be afraid to put up a gate to block off where your little one needs to be.
  • Continue nursing if you can.  Nursing is a great toddler tool.  “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” is a classic La Leche League book about the nursing toddler; and many  La Leche League groups have Toddler Meetings.  That is a great place to go and get support because everyone is going through what you are going through!  See this link to find a group in your area: www.lalecheleague.org
  • Continue to cultivate use of a sling if your little one will still ride in a backpack.  That really does help during preparation of food and such.  If this child is two or so, they may enjoy helping out with simple chores and running little errands for you around the house (like putting something in the trash, or wiping up a little spill).  They do want to please you, you are not on opposing teams here!
  • Stay away from negative people who tell you that your older baby or toddler is “manipulating” you or “defying” you.  I know this sounds really harsh, and I am sorry, but these people are unfortunately generally  uninformed regarding the development of the brain, childhood psychology and childhood development and just seem to lack a good sense of humor about children to boot!    Please see this post for help: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/
  • Ask for what you need and get help.  Fathers are parents too!
  • Get outside every day.  Babies can crawl on the ground, it really is okay.  Toddlers can toddle.  Good times for all!
  • Work hard on rest, sleep and meal times.  These basic things are very important for small children. There are posts under the Baby/Toddler header regarding sleep.
  • Don’t be afraid to take naps and go to bed when your toddler goes to bed.  This is a short period and it is okay to do that!
  • Stay positive, sing and sing and have finger plays and Mother Goose rhymes at the ready.  Distraction is your number one tool!
  • Here is a post that addressed burn-out and some other intensive mothering issues:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/21/day-number-five-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

The last major tip I have is to think of these Early Years in this way:   most of us are in at least our fourth or fifth seven year cycle of life (look at those back posts on the Tapestries book, it was very interesting!), and these little ones are only in the beginning of their first.  It is very hard for us in general to enter this consciousness of the toddler.  Many times we give it way too much adult weight!  It takes a lot of practice, and  the more you can think humor and play and love, the less stressful the toddler years become! 

With joy,

Carrie

Renewal: Computer Time

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Ah, managing the beast……

No, I am not talking about my huge dog who is now learning to pull a cart, LOL!  I am talking about  this wonderful tool, this wonderful place to connect and get information, but that which  has the potential to be addicting in a way: our friend the computer!   It’s funny, but I don’t really know anyone my age or younger that has an issue managing watching television, but almost everyone I know has a harder time managing the computer.

I asked some questions in the past about computer usage here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/08/a-vacation-away-from-the-computer/

It is so easy to turn on the computer and get sucked in for hours more than you intended, isn’t it?  All those beautiful Waldorf blogs and all those rabbit trails!  All those things we MIGHT need for future homeschooling grades that we should be storing in files!  And the thing is, when we are on the computer, I think our children can really feel our life forces  just being whisked away from them.  If we are on the computer at night, we are not meditating, praying, reading, or most importantly, giving our husband the attention he deserves.

So, during these forty days of renewal between Easter and Ascension, how about experimenting with some rules of usage for yourself in relation to the computer?

  • You could plan only certain days of the week to be on the computer
  • You could plan to only check it at a certain time of the day.
  • You could plan to cut back and scale back to a few very essential blogs/yahoo groups plus your email to check daily.
  • You could set a timer for when you are on the computer and get off when the timer goes off.

In this forty days of renewal, I would love to hear how all of you are managing your computer time these days. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Talking In Pictures To Small Children

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A small child under the age of seven needs to hear you paint a picture with your words instead of a direct command.  This can really be a very difficult thing for us to do as adults, and as such we find ourselves barking commands (politely, of course :)) at our small children all day long.  “Come to breakfast!”  “Use the potty!”  “Get your shoes on!” “Now please!”  “Stop doing that!”  Even if we frame things positively and say what we do want, the point is that a million times a day we are asking our child to do something.  And when we only use a command, we are essentially giving the small child a chance to think, a chance to decide their behavior, and then we get angry when they don’t do what we want when we want it.  How funny how that goes.

Small children are often in a fantasy, imaginative world much of the day as they play and create games.  They are not adults, they do not view time as adults do, they do not have the sense of urgency that you do.  And nor should they.

A small child lives in the physical realm and in their bodies.  So, to most effectively parent, we must reach to that for the small child as often as possible instead of playing commander, or worse yet, trying to drive the car with our horn by yelling at the small child. 

Here are some examples:

  • Think of animals that involve what you need.  Can the child hop like a bunny, run as fast as a roadrunner bird, swim like a fish?  Can they open their big  crocodile mouths to have all those teeth brushed?  Can you be a bear that needs a big winter coat ?  (And as you say this, you help put the child’s arm into the coat)….It is the imaginative movement plus the physical piece that gets it all done.
  • Can you involve their dolls or their imaginary friends?   Quietly take their favorite doll and start to get it ready for bed and sing to the doll. “ You and Tim (the imaginary friend) can sit right for dinner “( and lead the child by the hand to the table).
  • Can you employ gnomes, fairies, giants, leprechuans?  Today a four- year- old and I looked for leprechuan shoes by my back door….  Oh, look at these leprechuan shoes sitting here, do these fit YOU?  Oh my, look at the turned up toes on your shoes, I wonder if those shoes will lead you to a pot of gold!  How about gnomes exploring the mouth cave for teeth brushing?  Big giant steps to settle into a big giant bed?

You do not have to do this to the point where it is tiring to you, but do try here and there, because I find most parents employ very little imagination with their children during the day and the children really do respond to it well and do just what needs to happen.

Your part though, is to plan enough time so things are NOT rushed.  Rushing is the death of imagination and the beginning of stress.  Please plan ahead! 

Also, rhythm is your friend.  It is in that space to help you and your child.  If you do something different every night to get ready for a meal, to get ready for bed, what cues does your child have for when things are going to happen?  Again, their sense of time and urgency is not that of an adult.  Also, please seriously evaluate how many places you are dragging a small child.  Are these places for them or errands and would your child just rather be home?   I am just asking you to consider this piece of the puzzle; only you know the answer for you and your family. 

The last piece is the physical end of it, DOING something with a child whilst using the imagination and movement goes much better!  Yes, it is tiring that that is what small children need.  But better to do that than to complain and moan and groan that your small child, who is perfectly  normal, is “not listening”. 🙂

Try it out, I think you will find life to be much easier. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Discipline For Preschoolers 3-5 Years”: “Discipline Without Distress”

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We have followed the anthroposophical book “Tapestries” on this blog, which is a look at the seven-year cycles through the adult life span, and we are slowly making our way through this book.  I want to finish this book up as I would like to move forward to our new book soon!  Stay tuned for a surprise announcement as to what that next book will be!

Judy Arnall kicks off this chapter by reminding us of the world of the preschooler.  Children this age: are  learning about reality versus fantasy (although I would argue that elements of that fantasy world hang on strongly until the nine-year change; how many six and seven year olds still believe in Santa; how many still have that innate ability to feel one with nature?  But I digress..);   are having experiences with the natural consequences of their behavior:are  becoming aware of power and are  learning about that by engaging in power struggles (please do NOT confuse this with willful manipulation or defiance!  If you need a primer on “defiance” in the under seven crowd please see this post to help you out: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/ ); beginning to learn about socially acceptable behavior; beginning to learn about rules (Carrie’s note: the knowledge of right and wrong really begins at about age five and it is just beginning; your three and four year olds  still don’t have a great grasp on it all!); are engaging in fantasy play and may have imaginary friends and such; may lie as a result of wishful thinking and fantasy but NOT MALICE (remember, four year olds are Master Boasters and Exaggerators, not liars! :))

She runs through the developmental milestones for age three (here are posts on this blog about that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/   and this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/18/three-year-old-behavior-challenges/   and realistic expectations for a three year old here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/28/realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/).  She mentions improved appetite, using a fork (although I know many a four year old who would rather eat with their hands :)), very, very active; may drop afternoon nap, can take off all clothes and put on simple clothes; imitates speech of others, can peddle a tricycle.  Judy mentions a three year old can play cooperatively with children. I disagree, unless there are other adults to model off of and hold that space  or older children about to help carry it all. There is a reason school used to start around age five!   She mentions children this age  are beginning to express feelings with words, that three year olds are egocentric in thought and action with some empathy beginning to develop, anxious to please, accepts self as an individual.  The author also writes that no logical reasoning is present, a child this age believes inanimate objects are real, and  that “mythical and magical explanations are readily accepted for natural phenomena”, attention span is about fifteen minutes. 

For the four and five year old milestones, she notes such things as proficient with fork, spoon and cup (and again, I know many four and five year olds who would be  very content to eat with their fingers :)); no naps but sleeps 12 hours at night; very active with skipping and hopping on one foot; can throw overhand, can ride a scooter or two wheeled bike with training wheels (and some can ride a bike without training wheels as well is my note); hates to lose games, beginning of sex identification; has beginning emotions tied to social interaction with others such as guilt, insecurity, envy, confidence, humility; begins to respect simple rules (Carrie’s note is that four is the height of many out of bounds behavior, see the defiance post!); tensional outlets can be high, very honest and blunt; don’t really understand cause and effect at all; asks many questions about everything; beginning to distinguish between edible and non-edible substances; sentences are three and four words long; memory is rote and must start from the beginning to remember items in their order such as numbers or song verses; often confuses sequences of events; attention span is about 20 minutes.  Judy Arnall writes, “Does not recognize limits.  Just beginning to learn them.”  “Learning self-control but takes much practice.”  For further information about the four year old, see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/discipline-for-the-four-year-old/  and for the five-year-old see here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/    

She writes an UNHELPFUL parenting behavior is “Expecting more reason, understanding, and logic at this stage.  Not within the child’s capacity yet.”  Ways to parent helpfully for a child of this age include responding to questions simply, teaching and modeling appropriate behavior, talking about a limit (and I would add along with physical re-direction; words alone are not going to do it!); having predictable routines and rituals; nurturing child through touch, words, actions, feelings; parental self-care and all the helpful behaviors she listed in the babies and toddlers chapters.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCIPLINE TOOL FOR THIS AGE ( I would say outside of CONNECTION) is the ability to set a boundary and stay with that boundary.  You must honor your words, you must have thought things through ahead of time, and if you agree to do something, you must do it.  Judy does mention, “Again, at this age, use as few words as possible.”  (page 248). This backs up my view that we work with the BODIES of small children.    The author advocates choices; I would say many children do not do well with choices at this age and become frustrated as they pick something and then want the other thing, etc.  Please do think about what works for your child.  “Tell your children exactly what specific descriptive behavior you expect.”  I would add, SHOW THEM, do it WITH them.  This is important.  Judy Arnall advocates asking reflective questions; I think less questions for this age group actually.  The author talks about how changing the environment, so effective for younger ages, still works wonders for this age group.  Other helpful tools mentioned include parental time-outs, being polite and firm and kind, picking your battles and giving positive feedback.  There are other tools the author mentions, but I picked those out to highlight. 

Modeling is very important!  Judy Arnall writes, “Watch especially how you treat other people, from your partner all the way to the grocery clerk who gave you the wrong change.  Your children are picking up tone of voice, words, actions, and reactions, and they will copy them.”  “Modeling is such a powerful force, that it’s included as a tool in all age categories.  In fact, if all parents did was model correct behavior and didn’t correct their child on any negative behavior, children would be keen to learn how to behave properly in society, based on how the adults act.” Love this!

There is so much more in this chapter, including a checklist of natural consequences, a discussion regarding preschoolers and self-control, power struggles, how to nurture your child’s creativity, stages of play and how friendship evolves, timeless toys for all age groups, strategies to prepare your child for the arrival of a new baby, remedies for sibling rivalry, how to resolve issues without resentment, manners, chores or allowances or both?,  building a healthy self-esteem.

This is a great chapter, pick what resonates with you.  Parent with COURAGE!  You can do this!  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/05/parenting-with-courage/

Moving along to the six to twelve year old!

Many blessings,

Carrie

More About Starting Solids

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“Around the globe, a variety of foods are used as baby’s first solid food.  In Oceania babies are given pre-chewed fish, grubs, and liver.  The Polynesians prefer a pudding-like mixture of breadfruit and coconut cream.  Inuit babies are started on seaweed and seal blubber, while Japanese healthcare providers recommend a thin rice porridge, eventually made thicker and topped with dried fish, tuna, tofu, and mashed pumpkin.”

–from page 32 of Cynthia Lair’s excellent book “Feeding the Whole Family:  Recipes for Babies, Young Children, and Their Parents”  —(I highly recommend this book, it is about cooking once for    everyone and what to do from your meal for baby.  Here is the Amazon link:   http://www.amazon.com/Feeding-Whole-Family-Cooking-Foods/dp/157061525X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269912175&sr=1-1

These are some recommendations for what solid foods to bring in when according to Ruth Yaron’s “Super Baby Food” book and “Rainbow Green Live-Food Cuisine” by Gabriel Cousens.  I suggest you look at these books for yourself and see what resonates.  The listings here are NOT to be taken as medical advice, just ideas from what others have said.  If you have ANY history of food allergies, food sensitivities, it is always good to talk to your pediatrician before introducing those foods.  Go slow and introduce things one at a time before you combine food.

Also, this is a pretty vegetarian list, so you  will have to decide how you feel about meat and where that goes.  This list also includes homemade  grains, which many families delay.  Families may start with pureed food and around eleven months when children are more adept at picking up foods move to that.  Some families wait on solids a bit and the infant self feeds from the beginning.  La Leche League typically recommends making eating solids your infant’s own  project.  As far as amounts,  Cynthia Lair notes in her book, “Babies who have been eating solids for several months can be served about one-third to one-half cup of food at a sitting.”  Ruth Yaron’s book has many suggestions as well.  Please do take what resonates with you about this and do what works best for you and your family. 

Check this back post regarding signs for readiness to eat solids and other suggestions: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/11/starting-solids-with-your-infant-and-picky-toddler-eating/

More articles of interest:

http://www.llli.org/FAQ/solids.html

http://www.llli.org/NB/NBsolids.html

About raising a vegetarian child:

http://www.llli.org/NB/NBJulAug00p131.html

First foods:

Fresh Young coconut water, banana, ripe avocado, sweet potato,  peeled and cooked/pureed apples or pears

Six months and older:

Single grain homemade cereal: brown rice, millet; winter squash; cooked and strained apricots, peaches, pears, plums, nectarines, prunes and raw mild fruit: papaya, mango, pears;

** Carrie’s note:  I am not sure how I feel about mango; mangoes are related to the cashew family, so if that is an allergy in your family, ask your physician before introducing

Seven months and older:

Coconut pulp blended with water, homemade mixed grain cereal; hard cooked egg YOLK only ; peaches; cooked and pureed asparagus, carrots, green beans, peas, summer squash, white potatoes; diluted and strained mild fruit juices: apple, apricot, pear, grape, papaya, peach, prune,

** Carrie’s note:  Eggs can be a major allergen

Eight months and older:

Tahini; ground nuts (almonds, pistachios are mentioned by Gabriel Cousens); ground seeds (sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, hemp, chia); brewer’s yeast; powdered kelp in tiny amounts;; apricot; apple; cantaloupe; honeydew; kiwi fruit; plums; watermelon; broccoli; okra; cooked parsley; peeled and quartered grapes; finger foods (I am going to use freeze dried fruits), peeled figs, pitted cherries is mentioned by Gabriel Cousens,

**Carrie’s note:  Nuts and seeds can be major allergens; tahini is made from sesame seeds so if that is an allergen, ask your physician before introducing

Nine months and older:

Dried beans, lentils, split peas ground and cooked; pineapple; Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, spinach, beets, kale, eggplant, rhubarb, turnips, finely chopped raw parsley, cooked greens, cooked onion,  summer squash, turnips and rutabaga, rhubarb,  celery, buckwheat, sea vegetables  (Carrie’s note: Usually sea vegetables are given in one teaspoon or less amounts)

**Some families do whole milk  yogurt here; I think that depends how you feel about dairy

Ten months and older:

Thinned creamy nut butters; homemade bulgur cereal; homemade whole grain cornmeal cereal; whole grain pasta; ground sprouts; finely grated raw summer squash, carrots, greens, sweet peppers

**Carrie’s note:  Nuts can be a major allergen, so ask your physician if this is a concern in your family

Older than one year:

Dairy, citrus, tomatoes, hard cooked egg white,  strawberries, blueberries, and other berries cut into pieces (not whole)  Carrie’s note – these all  have allergen potential.  Go slow!

Happy Eating!  If you would like to help other mothers out and write when you have introduced some of the foods not likely to be found in typical baby books, please leave a comment below..

Carrie

Five Things Every Parent Needs

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These are five things every parent needs to have right now; these are the keys to parenting!

Compassionate Connection :  Connection is the number one tool to parenting and to discipline, to that guiding of a child throughout these years at home.  You get it by choosing to connect with your child, by  choosing to view you and your child as being on the same team instead of being against each other.  You get it by choosing to love your child as you guide them over the bumps of life and development instead of being mad at them for being immature and making mistakes, which is what small children are and what small children do.

Kindness :  Kindness in the home is of utmost importance.  Your small child is watching everything you do and say and how you treat other people, including how you treat yourself.  How do you promote kindness in your home?  How do you model forgiveness for yourself for being human?  Try this one for ideas:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/

Gentleness:  Your child always deserves to have gentle hands.  If you cannot be gentle with them, you must take a parent time-out.  You can set a boundary, stick to a boundary, and still be gentle.  It is possible!  You can parent peacefully!   See here for one of the many posts about this on this blog:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/05/an-emergency-how-to-how-to-parent-peacefully-with-children-under-age-9/

and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/17/raising-peaceful-children/

Patience:  Many parents will ruefully sigh and say, “I am not patient enough with my child.”  I agree it is important to have patience regarding the day to day and minute to minute interactions with your child; I have many posts about that,  but the kind of patience I am really talking about right now  is being patient with the process of DEVELOPMENT. This means not rushing a child out of childhood, and being willing to set boundaries to preserve that child’s innocence in early childhood and in the grades of school as well.     Understanding developmental stages and having realistic expectations for each age is vital.  There are many posts on this blog about this, all the developmental stages are currently covered from the age of twelve months through age nine.  There are also many posts regarding  babies under the “Baby and Toddler” header.  Here is one post regarding patience for your reading pleasure:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/15/the-power-of-patience-day-number-18-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-parent/

Maturity:  Having a baby and a small child in the home SHOULD cause a change in your lifestyle.  Please do not use the fact you are breastfeeding and can carry your child in a  sling as an excuse to drag your child to all kinds of adult places.  Why should your toddler  behave while you have coffee with a friend?  Why should your small baby sleep through the night when biologically they are not there yet?  Why should your toddler or preschooler willingly separate from you when they consider themselves to be a part of you?    Have the maturity to know that this is a season, this too shall pass, and that these early years of childhood are remarkably short. 

A Positive Attitude! I have written about this repeatedly.  Here are a few back posts for your reading pleasure: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/19/day-number-three-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/17/the-power-of-being-a-positive-mother/

Simple Parenting at its best!  Peaceful March with Simple Parenting!

Many blessings,

Carrie

How Do I Dig For My Dream?

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Somewhere in that shuffle of marriage,of being a wife or husband, of being a husband or mother,  in the middle of parenting in a mindful way….dreams we once had often seem so distant.  Our dreams before we had children may also now seem irrelevant because we have shifted and grown as human beings.  We may no longer know what dream we have outside of parenting, putting food on the table, homeschooling.  How do we discover our current passion?  What could we be working on that is just ours alone?  If we discover a passion and then we want time alone to pursue that, is that selfish and not to be had in this season of life?

I think it is okay to have a passion not related to your children or your marriage.  These passions and desires make you who you are, and also show your evolution and your growth as a human being throughout these cycles.   Your children will not be under the age of 9 forever, and yes, they will need your presence still, but you will be able to garner a bit more time.

What is your passion right now? What is really interesting to you?  If you cannot think of what your passion outside of your own family might be, what is it that really breaks your heart?

That sounds so incredibly odd, doesn’t it?  What breaks my heart?  Really, what kind of question is that?

It is just that sometimes I find the very thing that you see that breaks your heart turns out the biggest way you can contribute to your community, to your friends, to the people who need whatever experience or passion you have to offer.  In the words of the 13th century Persian poet Rumi, “The hurt that we embrace becomes our joy.”

You all can probably guess my passion; my passion is to build connected families, to encourage strong marriages, for  parents to connect with their children and to understand normal development across the human arc so they can educate and parent and gently guide in the most optimal way so their children can grow up into healthy adults.  I get to this  through my traditional medical background, through the seven year cycles and three and four fold human being and the twelve sense, through attachment parenting and gentle discipline and through Waldorf Education.  If you look at my “About” page, you will see the total mishmash of Things That Make Up Carrie.  And for years, I had absolutely no idea how any of that could fit together and help me or anyone else.

Maybe you are a bit like me; wondering what this chapter of your life holds outside of parenting and thinking, hmm, in twenty years or so when my children are gone, what will I be doing?  That is an interesting question!

So what is your passion?  What breaks your heart?  What brings you the most joy?  What do people say you are really, really good at?   Probably in that realm is where you will find your passion and ignite your dream. 

One thing to me that is vital in discovering this passion is having your own time each day to SIT QUIETLY.  This is time for your own inner work, your own time to see if you can hear that small, still voice.  For me, this is the time I use to read the Bible, to encourage myself when I feel low or down, my time to pray and try to discern what I need to hear.  To discern what is essential. When is your quiet time, and what do you do during your quiet time?  I would love to know; please do leave me a comment and share!

So, my final suggestion is to grab that wonderful sketchbook and do some writing or drawing.  Set a timer for ten minutes and just write what comes into your mind.  It may surprise you what dreams are lying right under the surface…

Many blessings,

Carrie

Make Your Voice Heard With Alliance For Childhood!

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This came into my mailbox and thought I would pass it on; it concerns the common core standards for childhood education.  These core standards, as far as I can see, are not at all based upon any form of traditional childhood development standards as we know of…Please read on for how you can help!

Alliance for Childhood

P.O. Box 444, College Park, MD 20741

Tel/Fax 301-779-1033

www.allianceforchildhood.org

Update—March 2010:  Rethink the “Core Standards”

 

Dear Friends,
As many of you know, the Alliance for Childhood is gravely concerned about the newly proposed “common core standards” for children in kindergarten and the early grades. Hundreds of early childhood health and education professionals have signed the Alliance’s joint statement on the K-3 standards calling for their withdrawal. Now is the time for each of you to take action on this critical issue.
After months of drafting in secrecy, the final proposed version of the K-12 standards was released by the National Governors Association (NGA) and the Council of Chief State School Officers (CCSSO) on March 10. Some aspects of this version are better than the draft that was leaked to the press in January; some are worse. But overall we are sure these standards will intensify an already inappropriate emphasis on cognitive development of young children that is divorced from social-emotional and physical development. Current practices are already causing enormous stress in children’s lives. These new standards will add to that.
The NGA and CCSSO have announced that the proposed standards are “available for comment” until April 2, after which they will revise the standards and issue the final version. Unfortunately, this is not a true public comment process, such as would be required for an important piece of legislation moving through Congress. Yet the federal government has announced that billions of tax dollars—including “Race to the Top” and Title I education funds—will be tied to states’ adopting these standards. We are deeply troubled by this entire process.

The NGA and CCSSO have set up an online survey to collect comments. The survey is rather confusing. Here are the steps you need to take to ask that the early childhood standards be withdrawn and reconsidered:

1. Go to www.corestandards.org.

2. Scroll to the bottom of the home page and click on the link to the questionnaire.

3. At the “Section 2—Feedback” page, choose the third option, “English Language Arts and Mathematics Standards.”

4. The next page asks you to “select the level of feedback you would like to give.” Choose the second option, “General Feedback and Feedback on Specific Sections.”

5. On the “Specific Feedback—English Language Arts” page, check the four boxes for K-5 (Reading, Writing, Speaking and Listening, and Language). This will enable you to select “Remove or entirely rewrite” as your preference if you agree with our position.

6. On the “Specific Feedback—Mathematics” page, check the four boxes for Kindergarten, Grade 1, Grade 2, and Grade 3. This will enable you to select “Remove or entirely rewrite.”

It is vital that you submit comments and get friends and colleagues to do the same. It’s a small window of time between now and April 2, but the biggest one Americans have had yet to speak out about the need for strong, experiential, play-based approaches to early education. Use the boxes for “additional comments” in the questionnaire to inform policymakers about your own experiences and concerns about early education.
See the Alliance web site, www.allianceforchildhood.org, to read our statement on the standards, the comments of many of the signers, and more details on how you can respond. Policymakers need to hear from us all, especially parents and teachers. Their voices are rarely heard on educational issues. It’s time to act.

Carrie here:  This was a message I received in my in-box and it was too important to not pass it on.  Thanks for your help!

Many Blessings,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”: Discipline Tools for Toddlers 1-2 Years: Action

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Judy Arnall starts this chapter with this observation that I  see all the time, “Parents believe if they don’t nip many behaviors in the bud at this stage, the behaviors will grow and become monstrous later on and their children will be destined to become criminals because they were too lenient when they were toddlers.  NOT TRUE!”

The toddler stage does not involve reasoning.  There is no reasoning yet.  Toddlers are just realizing they can’t always get what they want, and this leads to temper tantrums.  Your toddler is “doing” and the best you can do as a parent is to childproof, supervise, redirect, distract, provide substitutions, pick up your toddler and move them around with your gentle hands away from danger or situations that they shouldn’t be into. 

Toddlers can sometimes follow two word commands.  On this blog, I write from a traditional perspective and also a Waldorf perspective.  The Waldorf perspective on this would be to engage the child’s body and not expect a tiny child to follow a verbal command only.  You cannot parent a toddler from the couch. 🙂  GET UP!

A toddler is going to express negativity. “ No”  has power, “no”  has meaning.  Toddlers often use their body to express their negativity – hitting, biting, pushing – because their words are not totally there yet.  Even the ones that are “verbally” advanced lose their words when they become upset!  They want to be independent (the “me do it” stage), but still need help.  They don’t play with other children yet, they have fears of things such as thunder or animals or vacuum cleaners.  Their thinking really is “this is here, this is now” without much  memory involved.  They do, however,  IMITATE what YOU do!

Saying no frequently is not helpful in guiding your child – tell them what you would like to see, and better yet, SHOW THEM.   Childproof your environment so you don’t have to say NO fifty times a day.  Also, Judy Arnall points out that “parents have no control over eating, sleeping, toileting, and learning.  The parent can facilitate those processes, but not force them.”  This is something important for a parent to come to grips with.

She lists a page of discipline tools for toddlers including staying with your no, changing the environment, planning ahead, having routines, holding and carrying and restraining the child as needed, giving encouragement, ignoring some things if you can, time-in (see my take on “Time In for Tinies” here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/  ), saying no another way, letting the child have their feelings (my note is that you can’t “fix” how another person feels!  Let them have their feelings!), supervision, parent time-outs, modeling, redirection, holding, hugs and many more tips. 

The author recommends anticipating problems ahead of time and planning ahead.  She also says “avoid play places if you know they get frustrated and hit other children.”  Provide toys whilst changing a diaper or change the diaper standing up or in front of a mirror.  She talks extensively about the fact that toddlers love routines, and also gives examples of some “routines” that small children can do – for example, hanging towels after taking a bath, putting clothes in the basket, everyone carrying their things in from the car.  Essentially, you are laying down the house rules and chores that will become embedded in the existence of a three and four year old.  A three and four year old really knows and understands how things work in your house!

Judy Arnall has sections in this chapter regarding toilet learning, handling emotion, toddler sleep problems, why toddlers don’t understand rules, separation anxiety and how to deal with it, picky eating, toddler aggression and tips for handling this….Another great chapter!

This book deserves a home on your shelf!  Check out Amazon for a copy!

Many blessings,

Carrie