Wow, we are at 20 days!  I want to thank all of you who read this series and worked with some of these things in your own homes and families.  I am curious to hear feedback from you all as to what you observed, learned or felt.

A reader from the UK writes how she worked with this series of posts, and I thought it was a brilliant idea myself :):

“Here is what I have decided to do:
I have been printing out each day to use the following morning in my quiet time, when my brain is at its best (!) I got behind on this with my family being sick & ended up with my print outs here there & everywhere, so have decided to wait until you have finished the series, Carrie, then have the pages all spiral bound & work through it, day by day. I am going to include lots of blank sheets at the end of each day, for my own notes. I think this is something I could do every year or so. What a wonderful resource. Thank you Carrie”

Thanks for the idea, Lynn!

One way that I personally pull all of the different elements together that were mentioned in these posts is through my  daily inner work, prayer and meditation on each child.  I think of these areas and try to ascertain if each child is receiving what they need at this time, what they need so they can be uplifted, what areas are challenging for this child.

I know many of you who read this blog do not homeschool or use Waldorf education.  However, I do find for our family that the curriculum of Waldorf education really does dovetail with all of the developmental stages and expectations mentioned in this series and really assists me in helping my children.

Many blessings to you all!  I would love to hear your experiences and what was valuable to you.

Peace,

Carrie

This series is almost done!  I can’t believe it, can you all? Hopefully you gained a few insights, a little inspiration, to carry you forward in your parenting. 

Today we are going to talk about a difficult topic for many of us:  the use of gentle discipline.  Children need to function in this world, with other people.  The question becomes how we gently bring them into ways that will assist them in connecting with other people, how to teach them compassion and how to be kind, and what behaviors are accepted in our society.

One of the main things that seems difficult for many parents these days is setting boundaries in a gentle manner.  It seems difficult for many parents to see their child as separate from themselves.  Your child is not you!  They have different feelings about things than you, different ways of looking at things…and it is up to you, the parent, to help guide your child.

Do you have boundaries for yourself?  If you personally do not have any boundaries, it is going to be difficult for you to teach your children to have boundaries in a gentle way.  The culmination of all of the twelve senses in Waldorf parenting and education is the Sense of Individuality, of I and Thou.  This does not fully develop until the later teen and early twenties, but the foundation of this sense is being laid with your children right now.  And this is a sense that many children need assistance with; some children are crawling on top of their parents’ heads (I have literally seen this), some children are so far away and distant.  This is an area with the explosion of sensory processing disorders in children that we are seeing more and  more difficulties with.

If we set boundaries, how do we do it gently?  Children under the age of 7 do not need direct consciousness brought to the occasion, (although six-year-olds can do with more direct statements), but here are some other tools:

1. Humor
2. Rhythm
3. Finding the need beneath the behavior (without asking your three or four year old – you really can probably figure out if they are hungry or tired)!
4. Structuring your environment
5. Modeling what you want your child to imitate
6. Movement of the body
7. Fantasy and imagination and pictorial imagery when you speak to your child
8. “Time- in”   – see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/why-should-i-consider-time-in-instead/
9. Singing and verses
10. Doing things together
11. Being right near your child and assisting what needs to be done
12. Having a space to draw, throw a ball, etc. to diffuse emotion
13. Plenty of outside time (yes, this is a disciplinary tool!)
14. Distraction!
15. Looking for the positive intent behind your child’s behavior
16. Finding the good to praise
17. Holding your child and loving them
18. Filling up the child’s “love language” or emotional bank account before things go crazy!

I am sure many of you can think of so many things to add to this list!

Use your quiet confidence as to what is right in gentle strength,

Carrie

Some days patience is hard to come by.  It is not always easy to remember that we most likely have to do things with our children 500 times calmly to “make them stick”.  It is easy to get frustrated, and in our worst moments to imagine and envision that our children would be better off in school, better off with the neighbor down the street, better off with anyone but us as their parent!

Take a deep breath. I firmly believe that your children have picked you to be their parent.  Your children are right where they are supposed to be.  You are working hard on becoming more mindful, on understanding normal developmental stages, on having realistic expectations, on setting the tone in your home.

Baby steps.  Be content with the baby steps.  Becoming a peaceful, mindful parent does not happen overnight.  It does not mean that you will never get angry again.  It does not mean you will never parent in a moment in a way you may regret later on.  We are human, we are not robots!

What it does mean though is that you have an ideal, you have a framework, you have a goal in mind and when you or your family are off-track, you look to that framework to get back on-track.

Patience is important in this process of raising children. Patience with them as they develop.  Patience with them as they go through challenging developmental stages or as you work with your child to help shape and guide some of his or her  more challenging character qualities.  Patience as you work with yourself and your own shortcomings.

My personal suggestions for developing patience include the following:

Realizing that the behavior of a child under the age of 7 does not have to change your behavior toward the negative.  That is an awful lot of power to give to a small child!   Be patient enough to be the one able to hold the course, set the tone, be the wall and hold the space.  They are three, four, five, six and you have many more years of living than they do!

But by the same token, be patient enough to have flexibility and not rigidity.  Steiner felt children were here as our teachers.  Be patient enough to take a deep breath in the moment and ask what is yours to learn here.

Be patient enough for silence, for waiting, for your child to create an idea.  Give less words and movement a moment to work!

Be patient with your spouse. You are modeling this for your children to see.  Love one another and show your child this wonderful relationship.

Be patient for allowing time for things to take effect.  If you are working on new things with your children in your home, it may take time to get it flowing smoothly.

Lots of love,

Carrie

So, we have discussed over and over how important it is to approach a child through his or her BODY.  This is vitally important as we deal with children who are pushing against the forms of the day – the “I won’t”s, “I can’t”s, “No”’s and “Make me”s (and yes, I have a child that typically falls into the last category, the “Yes, make me!”).  We can approach it like a sledgehammer trying to blast through a piece of concrete or we can take our twenty, thirty or forty years of living and try a more imaginative, sideways approach!

If you would like some background regarding an anthroposophic approach to the first two and a half years of working with the body, please see this post:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/10/getting-children-into-their-bodies-part-one-birth-to-age-2-and-a-half/

If you need some guidelines regarding when children traditionally can do what from a gross motor perspective, please go back a few days in this series and look for the day on “Realistic Expectations”.

Working through the body most effectively combines gross motor movement with fantasy or imaginative elements.  Moms ask how to do this all the time and all I can tell you is that is takes practice and experience.  Set yourself a goal to try to address your child this way twice a day if you are new to this.

Here are a few examples to whet your appetite and stimulate your own thoughts of how to approach things:

Running in the house:  “Excuse me, Mr. Race Car Driver, this is only the warm-up lane, not the racetrack!  We go slow in this lane!” (and the corollary is the racetrack is outside, :))

Not wanting to brush teeth:  “But Ms. Crocodile, you must open your mouth so I can count all your beautiful teeth!  Have you been eating bananas again?!  Let me see!”  (and you open your mouth so they can imitate you!)

Children with extreme cases of “the wiggles”:  Turn it into a game where they are flamingos standing on one foot, humped camels, mice with tiny footsteps, wiggling worms on the floor.

Trying to get calm for bed:  Be a  caterpillar wrapped up in a cocoon of silk that must be rocked before it can come out as a butterfly.

Those are just a few ideas to get you going, submit your situation in the comment box and maybe all the wise mothers out there can also provide some ideas for you!

I think the other “arm” of this being in the body goes back to the twelve senses and what we are working on developing in the Early Years – those Lower Foundational Senses.  Remember those?  Here they are again in case you forgot (and remember those Middle Senses we are still trying to protect!)

The Lower Senses are seen in our will forces, they are unconscious, and they manifest in the metabolic-limbic system.  These include:

The Sense of Touch – through the organ of the skin.  This includes what is inside of me and what is outside of me.  Important ways to boost this foundational sense include vaginal birth, swaddling, holding, positive tactile experiences (NOT PASSIVE experiences, like through media or Baby Einstein! Active experiences!)  The lack of completion of this  sense is strongly related to ADHD according to Daena Ross.

The Sense of Life or sometimes called The Sense of Well-Being – this encompasses such things as if you can tell if you are tired, thirsty, hungry.  The best way to boost this sense is to provide your children with a rhythm to help support this while it is developing.  Some children have great difficulty recognizing their own hunger or thirst cues,  or their own need for rest or sleep. A rhythm can be a great therapeutic help in this regard.

The Sense of Self-Movement – this is probably more familiar to therapists in some ways as the “proprioceptive system” in some ways.  This sense encompasses the ability to move and hold back movement, and can also encompass such sensory experiences as containment (which can be a form of massage for premature babies) and also swaddling.  Childhood games that involve starting and stopping can also affect this sense.

The Sense of Balance – This is balance in two separate realms, from what I gather from the Daena Ross presentation.  It is not only the ability to balance by use of the semicircular canals of the ears  for midline balance so one can cross midline but also refers to the  balance of life and being able to be centered, which again goes back to rhythm and the idea of in-breath and out-breath.  Donna Simmons calls this one a gateway to The Middle Senses.

So ask yourself if the activities you are coming up with involve these senses in an appropriate way.  One resource that may assist with this is Donna Simmons’ “Joyful Movement” book.  It really is a good resource for common activities, verses, songs and movement to help you put all of this together.  Here is the link: 

So, for small children the Sense of Touch would include textures and natural fibers in the home and on the child, working with soil, sand, mud, sticks, and other sensory experiences for touch.  The Sense of Life is really YOUR job for the child – get a rhythm going!  It is important!  The Sense of Self-Movement would include all those singing rhymes and games,  gentle bouncing games, and experiences with practical life activities such as stirring, kneading, movement games, fine motor skills.  The Sense of Balance is not only working toward more complex practical projects for the six-year-old, both gross and fine motor wise, but also working with the notion of BALANCE in your child.  It is YOUR job to help your child balance.  If your child wants to sit around and read all day and page through books, it is your job to structure the rhythm so this is not possible and that your child has increased opportunities for fun movement, being outside, learning to ride a bike, etc.  If your child is active, active, go, go, go, it is YOUR job to set the rhythm so there are times for a candle lighting and a soft puppet show, times to sit and snuggle and hear a wonderful fairy tale, times to be calm and centered.  This is what parenting is all about.

Love to all,

Carrie

My cute little one is sound asleep, so I have a few minutes to meditate with you all on the focus of the day today:  how to guide a child.

In Waldorf parenting and education, we see a small child under the age of 7 as being in their BODIES.  We do not “ask” them to do tasks and expect them to follow through.  We enter daily work through rhythm, through music and verses and singing, through doing things together and through fantasy and the imagination.  If we have to use words, we may use “You may’ as a stock phrase along with physically helping the child at the same time.  There is ALWAYS an active component; for those of you planning to go on and homeschool in the grades with Waldorf education  there is also always an active part of a main lesson.  As homeschool teachers, we are always asking ourselves, “Where is the active part of this lesson?”  You are laying the foundation for this time in these Early Years.

So, you have an assignment for tomorrow. Grab a small notebook and pen and WRITE DOWN, without judging yourself!, what you ask your small child to do.  Commands, requests….And how many times do you ask your child the same thing before it happens? How many times a day are you requesting things verbally?

At the end of the day, sit down with your list and see if you can brainstorm ways to approach these situations through the body, the fantasy, the physical.  See if you can promote change within yourself.

Day Number 17 will focus on ways to work with getting a child within their body, so look forward to that as a follow-up to this assignment!

Off to nurse now,  peacefully yours,

Carrie