The Foundation Years of Ages 9-12: Decreasing High-Risk Behavior in Teens

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Many of you have been following along chapter by chapter the wonderful book,  “Discipline Without Distress:  135 Tools for raising caring, responsible children WITHOUT time-out, spanking, punishment, or bribery” by Judy Arnall.

The last chapter we reviewed was the chapter regarding the teenaged years.  There were some very sobering facts in there, such as suicide is one of the top three causes of death in teens, that the average marijuana use in the US is age 14, that many children have tried alcohol by age 12.  This really has hit home  for me personally as I know three mothers  who have really struggled with their teens in the areas of addiction issues and sexual promiscuity.  One of the teens recently overdosed, was the victim of a crime,  and lost his life.  This is a heart-breaking tragedy and I have felt so sad about this.  As parents we always wonder what we could have done differently in a situation like this, and my heart hurts for this family.

Judy Arnall, in this chapter about teens, goes through some of the things parents of teenagers need (for our teenagers to respect themselves and others, to have their teenagers feel successful in their relationships, school, work and community).  She lists some of the reasons that teenagers try high-risk behaviors such as curiosity, unhealthy self-esteem and want to feel good about themselves, lack of coping skills to deal with their problems and needing to escape, not understanding that they can say “no” to a sense of obligation or pressure from peers or  partners, needing to feel grown-up, needing to rebel, needing to fit in and win approval of peers, needing to escape uncomfortable feelings, feeling invincible and not understanding the risks/benefits/ consequences, not being able to communicate their needs to their family.

I would add a few things to this list:  besides curiosity,I think  boredom coupled with  a lack of guidance by caring adults to channel this boredom or curiosity into healthy things, and also I think there is a   lack of something bigger than themselves to worry about.  I think this is extremely important.

I was talking to a dear friend about this chapter and she was saying one thing that really helped her in her teenaged years was that she was very into horses and horseback riding and that she had a horse who depended upon her every day to take of it.   That is something bigger than yourself.

I talked  about this book regarding  rites of passage  ( https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/30/rite-of-passage-parenting-four-essential-experiences-to-equip-your-kids-for-life-heading-up-to-the-nine-year-change-and-beyond/), and part of the book asks essentially “what does your child do around the house that you could not be without if they were not there?”  There it is again:  what is your child involved in that is bigger than himself or herself?  How is your child tied to you, your family, your community?

If the average age of marijuana use is 14, and the average child has tried drinking before age 12, I believe the foundation for decreasing high-risk teenage behaviors HAS to start around that nine-year change (and before, of course.  Attachment and security and so many things are laid during that first seven year cycle)  But in many ways, I think because that nine-year change is a watershed where your child starts to feel separate from others, separate from you and the family, different, is noticing things about how different families and people do different things,  now is the time to start.

I have an almost nine-year old, and I am trying to formulate some thoughts in my head as to how to create responsibility for my child that is bigger than her, how to keep time together,how to keep  communication open, and how to best answer her questions about life.    I am thinking hard.  I have four years until the teenaged years, and this time is precious to me.  Is it to you?

It is NOT enough to just talk about drugs and alcohol and sex.  Yes, those conversations have to be there and they have to keep going throughout these years.  But, there has to be ACTION.   How will you help your child/teen structure their time, their environment, so these behaviors are less likely to occur?  What are the top three things in your house that your child KNOWS is not negotiable?  What freedoms can you give, but also what RESPONSBILITIES go with these freedoms?  WHAT does your child have to look up to , to participate in, to take care of, that is bigger than himself or herself? 

What community OUTSIDE the family is your child involved in and accepted in – is it one that you have helped create or one that just happened along the way?  I am sure both can be okay, but it is important to know what is going on in that community.  For example, how well do you know your child’s friends?  Judy Arnall brings up the point of creating a “secondary community” away from the school environment if your child is in school – through church or other religious outlets, through Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts, through volunteering .   There HAS to be something bigger than themselves for these children.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Teenagers and “Discipline Without Distress”

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Ah, we are down to the LAST two chapters in this book and then we will be ready to start “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Ned To Matter More Than Peers” by Neufeld and Mate.

This chapter is an interesting one from my perspective because I have a few things to add from  not just an attachment parenting perspective but also from  a Waldorf parenting perspective. 

The title of this chapter is “Discipline Tools for Teenagers 13-19: Negotiate”. (Which okay, I have to admit, when I first read the title, I sort of thought, yes, negotiate, but not just negotiate!  But let’s see what Judy Arnall says first).   The author starts the chapter by saying, “I believe most rebellion and power struggles among teenagers and their parents result from the lack of change of discipline techniques that should occur when children grow, particularly the use of non-punitive discipline from the time children are born….The problem occurs when parents use punishments and bribes liberally through the school-aged years, and then find out those methods aren’t working anymore with the children who are more resourceful and bigger than they.”    Agreed!

Another quote:  “…there are plenty of studies that also show teen rebellion, risk behavior, and crime are linked to harsh physical punishment and neglect.”  Agreed.  I have also seen this first-hand in my  work with children and families.

“Some anecdotal evidence comes from the home-schooling community.  It’s interesting to see the peer pressure that engulfs school teens is relegated to the sidelines in homeschooled teens. Family is still front and center in their lives.  I’ve noticed that influence and warmth of family togetherness is still a priority in some home-schooled families’ lives with teenagers.  …..Even in families whose children attend school, I’ve seen close parent-child relationships if the parenting style was nurturing and democratic.  It’s even more important in non-home schooling families due to increased peer pressure.”  Yes!  And this is another reason for the “Hold On To Your Kids” book study coming up!  Attachment can benefit all families, no matter what age the child!

The author talks about how much of the moodiness, sensitivity, etc of the teen years are due to hormones.  This, of course, not being that kind of book, does not take into account the four-fold human being (head back to this post if you need refreshing as to what the four-fold human being entails:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/27/the-four-fold-human-being/    )  Yes, teenagers have hormones, but that only takes into account the PHYSICAL body.  We know that teenagers are in the midst of the  astral body – the seat of emotions, passion, antipathy and sympathy.  Even if you don’t believe in Steiner’s view, how about this idea that something else is developing besides just the  physical body’s progression toward different hormone levels?  The teenage years are about individuality, about discovering one’s identity, one’s likes and dislikes, where one fits.    It is a wild ride!

The author Judy Arnall lists the following parenting techniques that would be helpful for this stage:  listening,  making sure your teenagers knows no topic is off-limits, sharing fun, talking about your days together, being comfortable with disagreeing, offering your advice as an option and not the “ONLY” answer, using humor, telling them what they can do as opposed to what they cannot do, rehearsing strategies with them for situations that would involve risk-taking behavior.

She talks about the development of teenagers, that they do go in and out of the stages of childhood (and therefore are not completely mature), that we must  recognize that their body clock does want to stay up late and sleep late, and many more tips.  This list is on page 125.

She has a whole wonderful list of “living together issues” and “values collisions” and what to do.  There are things such as “Be prepared to seek community support and information should sexual activity, drug use, or other risk taking behaviors go beyond teen experimentation.” 

The next part is sections is negotiate your “no”, focus on the child’s strength, speak respectfully (and insist on being spoken to respectfully), offer a one-time consultation, reflective questions (and I would add NonViolent Communication can be a good tool for those 14 and up), keep communication lines open, reconsider the situation with new information, have a few clear rules, decide what you will do, take a parent time-out, separate the big issues from the small issues (and mentions figuring out the three things you will uphold  no matter what), reduce the reasons for rebellion, respect privacy, change the environment, stimulation, model behavior, decide on problem ownership (this reminds me of Barbara Coloroso’s book), connect and then direct, problem-solve, use I-statements, active listening, spend time together, don’t lecture over a casual question about a “hot”topic, encourage capability, contracts, welcome your teenager’s friends,  developing humor and acceptance, and holding, cuddling and hugs (still important!).

She remarks, “Teens still want  two critical elements of attachment theory:  freedom to explore and a secure base.”  “Teens still need and want  their parents very much but in different ways than in the past.”

She delves into handling “attitude” (both your child’s AND yours!), how to influence a behavioral change (which, always ironically, means to start with changing yourself), dating, driving, school problems, teen pranks, teen peer groups and then high-risk behavior:  sexual  behavior, drugs, suicide, crime, weapons possession, eating disorders.  One sobering statistic noted is that the “average age of first marijuana use in the US is age 14, and many teens abuse alcohol by age 12.”   Also, the US, the UK and Canada, suicide is one of the top three leading causes of death for 14 to 19- year -olds.   Another sobering fact.

The high-risk section was most interesting to me, and I would like to talk about it a bit more in my next post. 

We are almost through this book and I highly encourage you to read this book if you have not been reading along with us before now!

Would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter if you do have the book!

Many blessings,

Carrie

A Plea For Summer Vacation

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In Waldorf Education, we have vacation in the month of December, we have two whole weeks around Easter, and we take a true Summer Vacation.

Summer Vacation in the United States seems to almost be becoming a thing of the past.  The shelves of Barnes and Noble are crammed with workbooks so your child will not be “ left behind”; every parenting magazine I pick up talks about reading and summer contests for reading so children don’t lose the ability to read; so many homeschoolers I know homeschool  through the summer months….

Ah, but I think in so many ways it is productive to focus on things other than the eyes as connected to the brain during Summer!   Summer is this time when we gloriously live in our senses and take in Nature and all of Creation in this beautiful running stream!  Why would we not work with this time of year instead of trying to work against it?  Growth occurs in the Summer in the body, in the way we process things through those twelve senses!  There are so many things to be learned in the Summer that  one cannot learn from any book and there are  so many skills to develop!

Here are a few examples:  picking fruit from thorny vines and having the sticky juice run down your arms, traveling to the lake, the mountains or the beach and walking barefoot over the sand or tree roots, weeding in the garden in the hot, canning, building, bonfires on St. John’s Tide, camping, fireworks, eating watermelon, swimming in a really cold lake.

If you must focus on something, my plea is to focus on the physical, the practical.  If your child is over five, can they swim really well?  Ride a bike?  Roller skate? Climb a tree?  Traverse the monkey bars by themselves?  Do they help with canning?  Can they clean?  How can they  help with camping?

Most of all, whilst the children play, this is your time to get your house in order for fall, your time to plan your fall homeschool year, and also your time to be outside making joyous memories with your family.

So, my plea is to make this a true vacation, but also to have a balance.  Please speak with your spouse and have at least once a week (or more!) in which you can plan for fall.  Sit down with a calendar and don’t plan to be out every single afternoon – also plan some time to get your house ready for fall.  Slow and steady wins the race for we adults…

But please let the children be on break!  They will come back tan and tall and ready to learn!

Many blessings,

Carrie

How I Adapted “Along The Alphabet Path”

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So I wrote a bit about the use of  saints to teach letters in a Waldorf-style for mothers who had asked this question about how to work in Waldorf elements of teaching with a predominantly Roman Catholic/Orthodox focus.  

Now I would like to share a bit about what personally I did when my oldest was in first grade.  Perhaps it will spark some ideas for you and your summer planning!

My oldest was a fluent reader prior to when she turned seven and started first grade.  And by fluent I mean she could read whatever she wanted, so beyond Frog and Toad and all that…People freak out about a situation like this frequently on Waldorf boards and forums, because they don’t realize that the content of Waldorf first grade so speaks to the soul of a seven-year old and the academic skill level can be adjusted up or down.  Also, early readers frequently need the balancing and harmonizing Waldorf first grade provides. 

At that time, I really liked the  “Along The Alphabet Path” that Elizabeth Foss created (see link at end of this post).  I loved Saints, I loved the flower fairies,  but I also liked that archetypal imagery of the fairy tales.  What was a homeschooling mother to do?

Create her own story, of course, in a three day rhythm. 

Here are examples from my story (PS, the Saint book I used was the original one Elizabeth used before she switched to a different Saints book.  I used  “Letters From Heaven: An Illuminated Alphabet” by Susan Kelly vonMedicus.  There are essentially poems to go with each Saint for each letter of the alphabet). 

The Beginning: (we started with Circle Time and alliterative verses for the letters A and B)

“Once upon a time there was a little girl named Lily who lived with her mother and father and her little sister Tess in a far away Kingdom. Today, Lily was very excited – Lily had turned 7 just a few weeks earlier, and in her family, once you were 7 you started training in order to be able to wear a crown…You see, Lily’s mother and father were the Queen and King, and Lily was a princess. But there was no crown to be worn until one was seven.

The King and Queen called Lily into their chambers and told her, “You are now 7, which is a very important age. You will be the Keeper of Knowledge and you will be learning all kinds of things to help you be a kind, compassionate Princess for all the people in our land.

We have a special task for you to complete before you can be crowned. You will travel with the wisest woman in our land to meet 26 of our most loyal fairy subjects. You will learn much about our world and we are proud of you as you undertake this task. We wish you much luck.” And they kissed her.

Lily could hardly believe her ears! What an adventure to be had! 7 is such an exciting age, she thought, and she wanted to be the very best princess she could be and learn a lot. She looked up with her eyes full of wonder and who should she find standing there but Queen Bluebell, the Queen of all the fairies.

“It is time, my dear, to come with me to start your very special task,” Queen Bluebell said. Lily’s eyes shone and then she grew sad. “I will miss my little sister so much,” said Lily to her mother and father and Queen Bluebell.

Queen Bluebell smiled, “And she shall miss you. Please go say goodbye to your little sister and then we shall start our journey.”

Lily ran outside to give her little sister Tess a big hug. She loved Tess so much. Tess looked up at Lily and said, “Take this, and if ever you are scared or lonely, look at this and think of me.” She pressed a tiny sack that fit inside her hand into Lily’s hand. “I shall be happy to see you return once your journey is over, and see you crowned as a princess!”

And so Queen Bluebell and Lily started off on a pathway that went through the Palace Gardens — there were many beautiful flowers there. Lily wondered if that was where they were stopping, but Queen Bluebell continued on, toward a large meadow in front of the woods that surrounded the castle…

“Princess Lily, I would like you to meet a friend of mine – This is the Bugle Flower Fairy.” And there, standing before Lily and Queen Bluebell was a small clump of herbs with purple flowers growing in the shade.

“Umm, excuse me, Queen Bluebell? I do not see a friend anywhere,’” whispered Lily politely. Suddenly, up from the clump of purple flowers rose a tiny purple fairy, a boy with a small purple bugle tucked into his waistcoat.

“Queen Bluebell and Princess Lily,” said the boy, bowing. “Let me be the first to welcome you to your journey. May luck and peace be with you.” Lily fingered the small sack Tess had given to her.

“And every good journey should have a song and story to begin by. “ and he settled himself on the ground cross legged and began to sing the song that all Bugle Flower Fairies sing :(This is from the Flower Fairy Alphabet Book, this is not original by me!):

“At the edge of the woodland

Where good fairies dwell,

Stands, on the look-out

A brave sentinel.

At the call of his bugle

Out the elves run,

Ready for anything,

Danger, or fun,

Hunting, or warfare,

By moonshine or sun.

With bluebells and campions

The woodlands are gay,

Where bronzy-leaved Bugle

Keeps watch night and day. (A Flower Fairy Alphabet, page 165)

And then he said, “Now you shall have your story as well!”

“Once upon a time (Tell story of Snow White and Rose)

** So, there were other things on “DAY ONE” to do in school, but that was essentially the Main Lesson Story.

DAY TWO:

Re-visit  Snow white and Rose Red with child helping tell it in parts, dress up and dramatize it.  Practice writing “B”s in words – BEAR, BED, BET, BEAT, BABY etc.  on chalkboard.   Draw a picture of a bear and the “B” hidden within the shape of the Bear. 

Write a simple sentence on the board such as “The bear was brown.’” and such and have child copy.   A poem about a bear  to orally recite would be nice here as well.  (TYPICALLY, we would only do artistic work here and do a summary of the story or saint for the third day, but I feel it can be a bit different whilst learning letters).  🙂

We baked because it was baking day for my kindergartener and  we made B’s with  the dough

DAY THREE:

Recite poem from yesterday, go over b words and read sentences with “B”.  Re tell Snow White and Rose Red  with silk marionettes

Skip the first two pages of the Main Lesson book and on the second page of two page spread, design border with bugle flowers.  On a golden path with stars between the letters, practice writing a line of big B and little friend b’s , think of words from yesterday and add new words that begin with “b” and write on blackboard or sheet of paper.

(Further along in grade, this would be time to draw the picture and if you have an already fluent reader and writer, the child could already be writing short summaries.  You are the teacher, you assess and decide and execute your plan for that particular child.)

Wed – toward end of lesson:  new story – Have ANGEL puppet ready!!

The fairy was very proud of himself for being the first loyal subject to tell a story to the Queen and the Princess. He was puffed up with pride! He put his bugle to his lips, but as he went to blow, suddenly a great light illuminated the area and an Angel, a messenger from God appeared. The Bugle Fairy bowed so low that the point of pointed hat touched the ground. 

“AAAH,” said Lily, who was amazed at the sight of the angel. The light was brilliant and wonderful.

The angle unrolled a scroll and from the scroll he read,  “There has been a heavenly decree that Princess Lily shall hear the story of Saint Brendan for the letter “B”

(Story of Saint Brendan) Use drawing of Saint Brendan with a B for the sail.  There is also a verse that goes with this story from “Letters From Heaven”, recite together and can be left on the board to look at next week and perhaps write in Poetry Main Lesson Book. 

When the Angel was finished with the story, he pulled a beautiful Apple Blossom from his robe and handed it to Lily. It had a golden stem! Lily was again amazed and said “AAAHHH.” Then the angel was gone.

Lily wiped a tear away from her eye. “Those are wonderful stories! Especially Snow-white and rose-red, who were never to be parted…and the Bravery of Saint Brendan! How I wish to be brave as well!” Lily had a lump in her throat as she missed her sister, but as she looked down she saw a bugle-flower in her hand and brightened.

“I will collect a whole bouquet of flowers for my sister” Queen Bluebell patted her on the arm. “I feel amazed at all I have seen! An angel of God!” (Have paper flower with gold chenille stem ready to press in main lesson book)

And she and Queen Bluebell went a little further on…

In Main Lesson book, on first two skipped pages, draw picture of an Angel with Big A and little friend a in one corner and on opposite page, write a sentence to caption the angel picture….. think of A words, write on board, think of sentences with a, such as:  Lily was amazed to see an angel.

Look at b spread on next two pages and be excited and proud. 

**Carrie’s note:  Okay, so there were other things for school on this day, but that was much of the main  lesson story.  

I know a bit more about the three-day rhythm now, and I am not certain this is the best way to divide this up, but it gives you an idea of how to start and create something for your own family.  I have another child coming up to first grade not this coming fall,but next fall, and I am planning on writing her her own story – probably something involving animals and Saints and the fairy tales, unless she falls in love with flower fairies by then..:)

Also, this probably would be WAY too much for many children,  too many tangents of flower fairies and saints and fairy tales, but for a quiet-already-reading- at a high level little girl, it was well-received, and well-loved.  🙂

Don’t you all want to know what happened, and how it ended? LOL. 

Thank you to Elizabeth Foss, whose “Along the Alphabet Path” became an inspiration for me to write my own.  Please visit Elizabeth here: http://elizabethfoss.com/ and see her other Learning Ideas at Serendipity.  Readers looking for a direct link to The Alphabet Path, can find it here: http://ebeth.typepad.com/serendipity/along-the-alphabet-path-1.html

Many blessings,

Carrie

Effective Use of the Temperaments in Education and Discipline

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So far we have looked at the four-fold human being and had an introduction to the temperaments.  Today we are going to peek at HOW to use the temperaments as an ally in education and discipline.  As I have said in the first two parts to this post, this information was presented to our homeschooling group at a wonderful workshop on the temperaments given by our Waldorf Handwork teacher, Ms. Judy Forster.  She is so knowledgeable and wonderful. We are so lucky to have her as part of our group! 

So to start, a quick common question is something like this:  “Yes, I read all the descriptions of the temperaments and I still don’t know what temperament my child is.”

Yes, sometimes it is hard to tell.  It is easy to confuse the predominant temperament of a developmental stage for an individual temperament.  I have heard Waldorf teachers say typically two temperament predominate.

So, Ms. Forster gave us a tip that one place to garner an idea regarding your child’s temperament is in looking at how they approach handwork,   A choleric child will want to be done first with their handwork, and will make mistakes along the way because they are going so fast because they HAVE to be done first.  A sanguine child may have lots of holes in their loose knitting because they got distracted or were too busy talking, and are content to know that maybe the fairies will come and fix it later.  A melancholic child will take their handwork very seriously, they will be extremely detail-oriented  and will rip a piece of knitting apart for the one stitch that was off that that the handwork teacher  told them was okay to leave alone (but they can’t, so then they have to rip it all out when the teacher is not looking).  Their knitting is usually tight.  The phlegmatic child is hard to get going on anything, but once they get going, it is either hard for them to stop – they may end up knitting a rug-sized piece of something when the project was supposed to be small because they just couldn’t stop – or they may just be steady and be done first (much to the chagrin of the choleric child).   Those examples came  from Judy Forster, our wonderful and knowledgeable Handwork teacher.  Please see her Etsy shop here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/mamajudes

Here is an example from me.  I think the temperaments show in how your child deals with  social challenges.  For example, the choleric will be telling everyone what to do, what is fair and not fair, and may end up flying into a rage that they feel immensely sorry about later.  A sanguine child will know who said what and who gets along with who and will be flitting around like a butterfly and taking in everything that every person does.  A melancholic child will figure no one will like them, no one will pick them, and they think that  if they do get picked they will end up with a challenge (ie, disaster) that  no one else in the world has faced.  A phlegmatic child will spend most of the time eating and warming up and getting ready to participate, and by the time they are ready to join in, it will be time to go home.

Hope that gives you all some ideas!  Anyway, on to how to work with these temperaments most effectively!  People act as if our goal should be to eradicate the temperament that the child displays, but that is not the case.  All the temperaments have good things about them; perhaps the case is more how to balance and harmonize (which for most people will not completely happen until they are in their 30s), and also how to use the temperaments as an ally in parenting and education.

CHOLERIC:  Choleric children are actually  really fair and they have big hearts, so appealing to the choleric in that way helps. I once was friends with a very choleric little guy who would break everything.  When he came to my house, I always said something like, “You know, I love how strong you are and you are so fast!  I have this pile of ten oranges and I was wondering if you could squeeze them all by hand so we could have juice for snack.”  Worked beautifully.

When a choleric rages and breaks something, if the child is between 7 and 9, I would wait until the next day to talk to them about it.  Usually by that time they are so regretful they have punished themselves more than you ever possibly could.  The worst thing to do would be to get wrapped up in their anger personally.  You must be the wall for them to bounce off of. 

SANGUINE:  Interrupt their work and give them little tasks to do before they take off and interrupt their own work.  You are in charge of the interruption during homeschool, for example.  You need something delivered to a neighbor, you need the tomato plants watered, the dog needs something, whatever.  If you keep interrupting them, they will finally settle down to work!  Work on building up their endurance in this way – the first week interrupt their work so many times a hour and then the second week drop the number of interruptions and then keep lengthening the time that they are focused on a task.

Also, sanguine children love beauty, so be beautiful!  Put flowers in your schoolroom, wear something beautiful.  They will notice.  It will captivate them.  This is also a good way to work on this temperament if you are not naturally drawn to beauty in your daily life..say if you are predominately melancholic and pre-occupied with worry.  🙂

MELANCHOLIC:  Melancholic children have great sympathy, so appealing to what you really need and what obstacles you have yourself your day and if the child could just do “X” how helpful that would be.  I think the other place to work with melancholics is through story telling regarding perfectionism.  Donna Simmons has a good example of a story for a melancholic in her First Grade Syllabus, and there are many more examples out there.

The other key to a melancholic child is to just listen and to feel truly compassionate.  The child truly feels these things do not happen to anyone else on earth,  ever in the history of mankind…So listening, and then perhaps sharing something similar from your own childhood.  The melancholic child will be most interested in stories where the hero overcomes enormous hardship.  🙂

PHLEGMATIC:  To me, this group is the hardest.  They will sit like small little lumps for quite some time.  Our handwork teacher recommends ignoring that they are even there for a time being (which is hard without a classroom of children  to carry, I find).  Some of them will be motivated to do something if it has to be done before snack time comes.   I think rhythm is  a great help to the phlegmatic because transitions can often be hard.   When they say they are “bored”, give them full permission to be with their boredom. Encourage it.  🙂 

The other thing I learned at the temperament workshop is that Fourth  Grade, when children are ten and obviously after the nine-year-change, is when one starts to see “Extraverted” and “Introverted” categories of these temperaments….So, for example, an “introverted melancholic” may be a child to watch closely in the school years for obvious reasons. 

The other little note I thought of is that if you feel you are predominately one way or the other way, what could you do to enliven the other temperaments within you?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Secrets Of A Happy Marriage

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Those of you who read this blog know how very important I think the state of your marital union is for setting the tone in your home and for the health of your children in their future relationships.  I have written quite a few blog posts on marriage, on challenges in marriage, and once a year I write on my own marriage.  Here is the post from last year, on the 21st anniversary of our first date: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/01/happy-anniversary-to-my-husband/  .  Today is our 18th year wedding anniversary and time for another post!

By the way, I am not certain I  really do have “secrets” about having a good marriage, but I think I have learned some things about marriage, at least about my own marriage,  in these eighteen years.  I am sure you all have your own thoughts on what makes a great marriage, and please feel free to share your ideas in the comment box below!

Here are a few of  our ideas for a happy marriage:

My husband says the biggest secret for him is to “take marriage seriously, but to be able to laugh at yourself and with each other.”  HUMOR and WARMTH are really big in our house from laughing in the middle of a fight to giving each other compliments to just enjoying being together and little jokes.  Humor and warmth are huge. Physical touch is definitely part of this warmth:  hand-holding, back rubs, close space, and yes, intimacy. All of these things are huge.

Faith and praying together really strengthens our marriage.  When my husband knows the children and I are praying for him when he is in a big presentation or meeting, it lifts his spirits and we all feel connected to each other and to our Creator. 

Seeing the best in each other.  We all have faults and flaws, but if we can love each other through that and make allowances for that knowing we are human, then love and forgiveness and striving for more can enter the feeling life of the home.  Respect for each other and respect for even the differences in our opinions makes life flow. 

Working together is what makes our marriage thrive; being able to solve problems together and work toward solutions together   through  good communication and  having a positive attitude (there is that humor and warmth again!).  Part of working together means surrendering the notion that you are always right, that you always know best and being able to make space for ideas that involve both of you.

We have nights were we are engrossed in reading or writing or doing our own thing, but we also  have nights where we are engrossed in being together.   Spending lots of time as a family works well for us as we enjoy being together. 

A happy marriage is the bedrock of a happy family. 

 Much love to you and yours today,

Carrie

The Four Temperaments

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In Waldorf Education, the four temperaments are seen as a tool to help us understand the child as a “whole” human being.  The idea of the four temperaments was not new in Steiner’s time;  it came about during the Greek times and again during the Middle Ages (some of you may remember hearing about the four humors or the four fluids).

Roberto Trostli writes in “Rhythms of Learning”:  “Our temperament mediates between these two streams; it allows us to reconcile our hereditary characteristics with out destiny.” 

Here are a few things to be aware of with the temperaments:

  • You cannot tell what temperament your child is before the change of teeth.  You may see glimmers here and there, but things do change over the years.  So , if you have small children under the age of 7, please save this information for the future.  I would even argue you can see the temperament of your child best as they approach the nine-year change.
  • According to Steiner, each period of the lifespan has a temperament associated with it:  childhood-sanguine (most sources say sanguine, some sources say choleric; I say sanguine);  adolescents- choleric; adulthood-melancholic and old age-phlegmatic.
  • As an adult, the goal is for all your temperaments to be in harmony with none of the temperaments.  So if you see one thing predominating in  yourself, then you may have to work to cultivate the other temperaments and bring yourself into more harmony.

The workshop I attended required some artistic work and rendering of the temperaments, so know that is an option for home.  We worked with a color wheel and the temperaments and drawing.  It was very interesting, and now,  without further ado, let’s talk about each of the temperaments:

CHOLERIC: (colors:  black, reds).  Cholerics are associated with fire, summer and a predominance of “I” for an adult… (in a child, the astral body is said to predominate in this temperament).  Cholerics are people such as Napoleon (okay, he was a badly unchecked choleric), Nero, President Teddy Roosevelt, Donald Trump.   They are strong people who “DO” – the leaders of our times.  Some Waldorf teachers feel less of these cholerics are coming to us as we see less leaders and people wanting to step forth and lead during our times, as opposed to times such as World War II. 

At any rate, these fast, fiery, strong-willed and quick-tempered individuals are also very fair and associated with the mathematical process of division.  They can have great warmth and can be exceptional leaders.  They are also very hard workers and are very goal-oriented.

From a physical standpoint, cholerics can be short-statured, with shorter necks. They also  can be associated with  having health problems involving the heart.

The challenges of an individual with a choleric temperament includes being bossy or stubborn, quick-tempered and then regretful afterwards, not listening to others well.

SANGUINE:  (colors: yellows, the rainbow!)  Sanguines are associated with spring, air, sweetness, and a predominance of the astral body for the adult (for children, the etheric body predominates).  Sanguines are such people as President John F Kennedy and President Clinton.  They are full of life, they have lots of ideas, they are the social glue of a classroom,  the social  movers and the shakers  of society.  They notice everything, they respond to everything and move quickly from one thing to another. They are personable, light-hearted people. Sanguines are often associated with the mathematical process of addition.

Physically, they are often have balanced, graceful body types and are beautiful or handsome.   They can be drawn to smoking, and have health problems associated with the lungs.

The challenges of an individual with a sanguine temperament includes starting many projects but not finishing, being prone to social pressures, possibly one could see a teenager with this temperament being predominate that they would seek out inappropriate things in adolescence in order to ground them.  They can also be seen as shallow, superficial and fickle.

PHLEGMATIC:  (colors: greens and blues) Phlegmatics are associated with winter and water and a predominance of the etheric body (in children, the physical body predominates).  Phlegmatics are slow, steady people who love their physical comforts, order, repetition.  They have a hard time starting things, but once they get started, they become engaged and will stick with a project until it is completed.  They tend to be loyal, patient, dependable.  They can be deep thinkers that come up with great ideas. 

I always think of phlegmatics and digestion and inner bodily processes (due to being associated with water, like the tides going in and out and the inner rhythm of the etheric body.  Physically, there is often a softness to how a person with a predominantly phlegmatic temperament looks.  They tend toward obesity.  They can be prone to such health problems as gout and problems associated with the lymphatic system. 

The challenge of this temperament is to interest them in something besides comfort and food.   They can be rather lazy – or are they just taking it all in and thinking deeply?  Transitions can be a problem, for once they are started and caught up in something, they do not want to stop.  But most of all, the  phlegmatic individual can have a temper!  A temper that makes a choleric look like a kitten.  People who have a predominantly phlegmatic temperament are very patient indeed, but once they are angry – look out, because it all explodes.

MELANCHOLIC: (colors:  indigo, purples, violets)  Melancholics are associated with the fall and earth, along with the mathematical process of subtraction.  They have a predominant physical body, although in children one sees a predominance of the “I”.  A melancholic person is introspective, thoughtful.  They tend to be insightful people and take everything to heart and are often sad or despondent.  They can have a great capacity for sympathy and tend to be perceptive about other people’s pain.  They typically can articulate their thoughts and feelings well.

Physically, a melancholic is often tall and thin and can be prone to rheumatism and arthritis.  Due to their sensitivity, they often make good workers in the health care field.

The challenge of the melancholic is that they can become self-absorbed and feel their problems are like those that no one else in the world  has ever experienced.  They also can get lost in details and lose the big picture.  They can be prone to perfectionism.

In the next post, we will talk about some ways to work with each temperament effectively.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Parental Anger and Forgiveness of Children

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This month I mentioned we are going to be looking at temperaments, love languages and nonviolent communication in an effort to be better wives, husbands, parents, friends and people.  We kicked it off with a  post on love, a post on patience, a post on changing our language and now this week we will be moving into the heart of the matter. 

So let’s dive in.  I wrote a post not too far back about “Parenting Exhaustion” that seemed to really strike a chord for this time of year, you can read it here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/13/parenting-exhaustion/  This post today is sort of a piggyback on the “Parenting Exhaustion” post and the post about yelling in parenting available here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/30/yelling-in-parenting/

Sometimes mothers talk to me and  feel as if they are doing a relatively good job at controlling their actions, voice and thoughts during a time of parenting challenge, but worry that afterwards, they just don’t feel loving toward their children for several hours.   They don’t feel like taking their child somewhere, and they are still thinking about whatever happened even though the child has obviously moved on quickly and is no longer thinking about the time in the morning when they were so frustrated and screaming, or hitting their parent, etc.   Children live in the moment, more about that in a minute, but let’s start with the mothers.

Some mothers I have spoke with really do attribute these feelings to fatigue and perhaps not enough exercise or time to themselves.  I think this is a possible contributor.  It certainly is easier to let things roll off your back when you are better rested and feel positive.  Many mothers describe how hard it is even to get fifteen minutes alone.  Even if husbands have taken the baby to give the mother a break, they are sometimes walking around with the baby right in front of the mother so the minute the baby cries, it is, “Why look, he wants Mommy!”   Some mothers feel as if they are on duty all the time, or at least on call.   Some mothers want to exercise and recharge that way, but  have a really hard time leaving their children, even older children, in the child care section at a gym. And, it is easy  if it is nighttime and Daddy is home but everyone is falling apart to sort of feel as if one cannot actually leave.  So self-care does become a hard-to-fulfill priority.

Some mothers have told me they thought anger and holding on to parenting challenges was lack of self-care but then they realized that they were fairly angry all the time about many things.  They scheduled sessions with a counselor and realized they had issues coming from their childhood that needed to be addressed so they could be happier parents.  That is a possibility as well.  I don’t think there is one thing wrong with seeing a mental health care professional for a tune-up just the way you see a physician for a physical check-up.  Parenting is a big adjustment, and each stage in parenting can bring different challenges.

The books on anger that I most often recommend are “love and anger: the parental dilemma” by Nancy Samalin and “How Anger Hurts Your Kids” by McKay, et al.  For other books about  gentle discipline, please see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/27/favorite-books-for-gentle-discipline/

So, if we handle things well, why do we feel so badly that we don’t bounce back as quickly as our children do?   As I always say, it is one thing to read in a parenting book that a child of “X” age is likely to spit, or hit, or kick, or scream in your face, but it is a whole different ballgame when those behaviors actually happen to you!  In real life!

So, I think in some ways this boils down to how you handle forgiveness in general.  What do you do, and how do you handle forgiveness in such circumstances as when someone won’t apologize to you, if you remember some “wrong” that has been done to you, how do you handle yourself when you make a mistake?  How do YOU react if someone talks to you about something you have done that wasn’t right?  We all are human, aren’t we?

And please do know that with a very small child, a child up to the nine-year change, that child really just lives in the present moment with probably very little connection to what just happened and how you are feeling (and do remember my mantra about the verbal games young children can play about feelings and such if they have been “trained” in such ways.   See back posts about this).

I think this can also go back to the original incident.  Did you handle the parenting challenge by stuffing your feelings so far down and smiling through the whole thing?  Probably not very authentic.  Gentle discipline still means you can be authentic.  I think it is okay to say,”Mommy doesn’t like that when you do that.” It is okay to feel angry or frustrated.  What is not okay is hitting your child or screaming at your child.  Show them what to do with anger or frustration that is productive, how to handle conflict. Don’t show them the way to handle conflict is to just stuff it down so you feel sick the whole day!  Model calming down and forgiveness.

I think it is okay to say, “Would you please draw me a picture and tell me you love me?” as restitution once things have calmed down.  I think it is okay to go sit outside and say, “I am going to sit here a minute until I feel better.”  l think it is okay to assume a child must be rather tired or over-stimulated  and perhaps just need to be home instead of going out that  afternoon and to go to bed a bit earlier.  But, what doesn’t work is the guilt trip thing, the “write the lecture down and leave it under their pillow so they can read it thing”….Because if you are having a hard time moving on from some incident that happened, , some part of your own Inner Child is saying, “Wow, that child was not nice and on some level I would like to see more remorse on that child’s part!  More angst!  In fact, that child should feel terrible… treat your mother like that!  I gave birth to that child!”  So, essentially we want to see more sorrow and sadness and restitution. 

I think what happens as we parent though, is hopefully that we get better at forgiveness.  We become better at forgiving ourselves, our spouses, and yes, our children.  We start to realize that  a little self-care goes a long way, and that as mothers we can make our children  a top priority but that we also need some inner work for ourselves to make the family run better.  We can  hone our skills of compassion, of meeting our child where they are  and enjoying them.  We can choose forgiveness and essentially choose to be warm and loving and to realize a child is not going to react to things the way an adult would, which is often really what we want.  We want that small child to be able to say, “Wow, I will never do that again” and how horrible they feel..Your child in their first seven year cycle of life does  not view things the same way you do being in your thirties!

That is the hard thing about parenting, to understand and carry what children do when they are small and don’t know better and need to be guided over and over.  To understand that whilst developmental stages still need to be guided because children have to live out in the real world eventually, that most of all what they need is love and compassion and forgiveness. 

We all learn together.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Changing Our Parenting Language

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There was recently an excellent conversation on Mrs. Marsha Johnson’s list (waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com) about three-year-olds and “temper tantrums”.  One of the wonderful mothers on Mrs. Johnson’s list emailed me and stated how she always felt badly about that phrase: “temper tantrum”.

I have to agree with her.  If you think carefully about it, that is a phrase that really puts a mother on one side and a child on the other side.  A “temper tantrum” really implies that the child has a bad temper, that the child should be able to control his or her emotions and that this temper tantrum is a lack of self-control or self-discipline on the part of the child.

A “temper tantrum” is a need for connection.  A time when a child is feeling so badly, so over-stimulated, is a time when a child really needs you to guide them with love.  Sometimes all you can do is to be there.  Time-out  is not an effective tool for this; it promotes separation and isolation instead of listening and being with that child when they need you most.  Please see this back post for more about dealing with challenging behaviors:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/

So, let’s re-name temper tantrums once and for all.  I think “Connection Crisis” sums it up.  Your child needs you.

This reminds me of an article that was shared with me at a La Leche League meeting many, many years ago.  It was written by Pam Leo, author of “Connection Parenting” and appeared in the 1997 Winter edition of Empathic Parenting.  She took concepts from Faber and Mazlish’s “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and modified them. 

I am going to modify what Pam wrote, so here goes:

1.  When you blame and accuse me —

  • I hear:  I’m no good, I do everything wrong
  • I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
  • I need: for you to listen without interrupting and judging me, to set boundaries for me if I need, but most of all to love me despite my flaws and mistakes

2.  When you call me names —

  • I hear:  I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m no good
  • I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
  • I need: encouragement

3.  When you threaten me–

  • I hear:  a person I  love is going to hurt me
  • I feel:  afraid, in danger, unsafe, terribly alone
  • I need: boundaries set and kept  in a loving way, I need to see a way to de-escalate conflicts peacefully, I need to feel your warmth and your love

4.  When you command, order or coerce me–

  • I hear:  I have no choice, I am powerless, I don’t matter
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
  • I need: to be able to make mistakes when the cost is small in order to learn, limits but with enough freedom that I can still grow into being myself, understanding  and love

5.  When you keep warning me —

  • I hear:  I am careless, I am stupid, I don’t think well
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
  • I need:  a safe way to channel my wonderful ideas, my energy

6.  When you make martyrdom statements:

  • I hear:  I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am mean
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, guilty and bad
  • I need:  to see how someone asks for help when they need it, to see how someone can take care of themselves and still take care of others, how someone exercises self-control of their mouth, how someone has a positive attitude

7.  When you make comparisons:

  • I hear:  I am not good enough, everyone else is better, you don’t love me
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
  • I need:  you to guide me to improvement, you to show me how to solve a problem or a challenge

8.  When you are sarcastic —

  • I hear: voice words and tones that don’t match the situation
  • I feel: confused
  • I need:  your sincerity, your gentle voice and hands to guide me, to see how children of different ages are parented in different ways

9.  When you make negative prophesies–

  • I hear:  I will never do it right, I will never be enough, my life will be ruined
  • I feel:  hopeless, unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
  • I need: your encouragement, your guidance, your ability to let me mistakes when the cost is small, your love and compassion, your demonstration that sometimes “okay” is “good enough”

10.  When you lecture and moralize —

  • I hear:  I should be better than I am, I will never get this right
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless. alone and isolated
  • I need:  your love, your boundaries to keep me safe, your warmth and understanding, your stories about what you were like at this age and what happened and did you ever at all feel the way I feel

 

Change your language and change how you feel toward your parenting

Many blessings,

Carrie

How To Plan Waldorf Homeschool Second Grade: Part Two

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You can find Part One to this post here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/14/how-to-plan-waldorf-homeschool-second-grade-part-one/

I broke my “no-photographs” rule simply because there are not many blogs with examples of Waldorf Second Grade and I wanted to show some sample works. 

 

January: More poetry. Snowy Village Math from Marsha Johnson’s files and I told Russian Fairy Tales at the end of the Math lessons (also from Marsha Johnson), cooking, singing and pennywhistle – here we again went over place value, carrying and borrowing and multiplication and division

 

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Russian alphabet to go with Russian fairy tales:

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February:  Saints and Heroes from Donna Simmons and a few I picked based on Donna’s suggestions in the back of this book; special attention to word families, writing, painting and drawing –  one of these shows just a simple summary because we did a wet-on-wet painting as our artistic work for Finn MacCool.  Math rested during this month except for daily practice of math in Circle Time.

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March:  Math – mixture of Melisa Nielsen’s Math Ebook and Donna Simmons’ Second Grade math; math skills as above along with money.

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The week around Saint Patrick’s Day we did The Leprechuan Factor Trees of Ireland from Marsha Johnson’s files, first with a lovely drawing before we made our addition  factor trees:

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And then those wild little  leprechuans traveled to the mysterious Multiplication Island where the multiplication factor trees grow; a TROPICAL island in the middle of an Irish lake..LOL.  Here is a leprechuan cobbling shoes on the back of a giraffe!

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March was also Lent and crafts, weekly form drawing, wet on wet painting, the story of Saint Patrick.

April:  We did a block on Earth, Water, Fire and Air – I used stories from http://www.mainlesson.com , including one I found on Saint Kentigern and The Robin that involved the element of fire, lots of hands-on activities, weekly form drawing, pennywhistle and singing, math rested.

 

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May:  Math from Marsha Johnson’s files  using “Watercraft of the World” as a theme,  more poetry and singing and pennywhistle, wet on wet painting, weekly form drawing, gardening.

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Here we counted dates and grouped them in twos and fives, and re-visited our three, four  and six times table with the help of  our hippo friends and the sails..… (these are dates along the top of this picture that we were counting –  we were working with the two-sailed lateens that sailed along the Nile River, and the dates and barley that were agricultural products in this area).  Note the hasty work in this drawing compared to the other drawings… you can really tell the difference between outlining and just building the picture up in layers with the crayon.

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June:  Saints from “Stories of the Saints” , review of work

Anyway, hope that helps provide a few resources for next year for those of you with rising second-graders.

Many blessings,

Carrie