How To Work With The Love Languages of Children

Posted on by
6

We took a brief look at “Loving Children In Their Love Language” in our past post and today we are going to delve even deeper into the five love languages and how to apply them to your children.

Remember, we want to use ALL of the love languages and be familiar with all the love  languages as mentioned in the book, “The Five Love Languages For Children” by Gary Chapman and  Ross Campbell.  However, if you can identify your child’s primary love language and keep the child’s emotional love tank filled, it helps decreased behavioral challenges and it helps you to think carefully through how you discipline.  The authors bring up such things as if your child’s love language is quality time and you are using time-out (and you all know I do NOT believe in time-out, please see back posts) as a way to discipline the child, then you are using that child’s love language in a negative way.  There are many examples in this book; I encourage you to get a book and read it!

To review, here are the five love languages and a few notes about each love language:

1.  Physical Touch – the authors note many parents only touch their children when necessary (ie, to help them get dressed, etc).  I like this quote: “Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.”

Things you can do in this language:  Greet or say good-bye to your children by hugging them; picking natural toys (hhmm, sounds like Waldorf!); ask your child if they want to be held; holding hands whilst saying blessings or prayers

2.  Words of Affirmation – this means expressing love and appreciation for the child themselves, not words of praise for what they do.  This does include using words that encourage.

The authors note:  “ The greatest enemy toward encouraging our children is anger.  The more anger present in the parent, the more anger the parent will dump on the children.  The result will be children who are both antiauthority and anti-parent.”

Also included in this category are words of guidance:  positive and loving guidance. 

Things you can do in this language:  encourage your child daily, and find the things your child is good at and tell them something positive whilst they are doing it;  call your child when you are not home to tell him you love him; leave your child notes saying you love him or her. 

3. Quality Time – this includes being present with each child individually and sharing thoughts and dreams and eye contact. 

Things you can do in this language: include your child in your daily activities and chores; stop what you are doing and make eye contact;  cook together; play with your children;  take family vacations together; hike together

4.  Gifts – “Yet for parents to truly speak love language number four-gifts- the child must feel that his parents genuinely care.  For this reason, the other love languages must be given along with a gift.  The child’s emotional love tank needs to be kept filled in order for the gift to express heartfelt love.”

My note is that for children who enjoy the love languages of gifts, these gifts do not have to be expensive store-bought gifts.  They will admire a flower from the garden left on their pillow, a unique small crystal, a feather you found, a picture you drew for them, etc.

Things you can do in this language:  make special snacks for your child, find things from nature as gifts, keep small gifts tucked away for rainy days or other occasions.

5.  Acts of Service- the authors talk about how parenting is the ultimate act of service, and that in order to do this, we must ourselves be balanced since serving is physically and emotionally demanding.    What is your own physical and emotional health like in this moment?

I thought this was a great quote: “the ultimate purpose for acts of service to children is to help them emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service.”

Things you can do in this language:  regular involvement as a family in volunteering; setting up play scenarios for your children to find and play with; assist a child in fixing something or doing homework together.

There is a whole chapter on how to discover your child’s primary love language; I highly recommend it! 

Here is a link to this book on Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Children/dp/1881273652/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276710971&sr=8-1

Connection, love and helping the child make restitution are the big keys to discipline…Bring on the love!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Individual Assessment for Homeschooling Success!

Posted on by
4

I hope you are well on your way with home school planning for fall; I have planned about six weeks’ worth of lessons so far myself. 

One thing that does not always get mentioned among the Waldorf forums and websites is this notion of INDIVIDUAL ASSESSMENT.  Very often we know WHAT to teach (ie, Norse Myths in the Fourth Grade, Modern History in the Eighth Grade); hopefully we have the pieces to know HOW to teach (through movement, through whole to parts, through oral to written to reading, through a rhythm that includes sleep). Maybe we even know WHY we teach what we teach – based upon the development of the human being.

But we still need the piece of individual assessment in order to plan for the school year.  And who knows your child better than yourself?

Here are some areas I might consider for the Kindergarten-aged child (those aged 5 and 6):

  • Physical Appearance (this often provides insight into the speed of incarnation into the physical body – ie, tall and thin?  how do they walk and move?  loss of teeth yet?)
  • Gross Motor Skills/Fine Motor Skills
  • Reaction of Child to Rhythm
  • Imagination/Creative Play
  • Artistic Abilities/Handwork
  • General Personality (adaptability, perseverance, inquisitive or not, how do they do with other adults, how do they do with children, etc)
  • Spirituality (does the child show reverence? when? how?)
  • Health (how many times sick this past year? with what?)
  • Academic Areas (are they able to catch onto oral rhymes that you are doing?  how do they order things outside and inside?  do they understand sequencing of a story?  attention span? etc.)
  • Practical Life Skills

You may also want to assess yourself:

  • What qualities do I need to work on bringing to my family through my modeling?  Where did I succeed as a homeschooling parent this past year?  Where were my weaknesses?
  • How did I arrange our days at home and our days out?  How was the flow on the days we were home?
  • How did I cultivate protection and development of the 12 senses for my small child, both in physical and emotional ways?
  • What was my inner work? How did I do this?  What did I learn from it?
  • What do I need to read over the Summer to prepare for the upcoming year?
  • What skills do I really need to learn in order to help my children?

 

For older children in the grades, I might consider all of the above plus some of the following areas:

  • Very specific academic and artistic skills for goals for the school year
  • Areas of challenge within the personality/temperament areas that need harmonizing and balancing during the school year (this could be done through your selection of stories, your own modeling, setting up situations or opportunities for this to occur)
  • Do I have a theme for the year or a quality for the year that I want to work with and run as a theme through my year? 

And finally,

  • As a family, what do we need to have more of?  to see more of?
  • What are our challenges as a family?
  • What do I need to do artistically or through my inner work?
  • What do I need to be successful as a homeschooling mother?

 

Just a few ideas to get you started, please do feel free to share some of your planning tips below!

Blessings,

Carrie

Loving Children In Their Love Language

Posted on by
12

Many of you have heard about the book, “The Five Love Languages:  How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate” by Gary Chapman.  It was a runaway success, and after that book Gary Chapman teamed with Ross Campbell to write “The Five Love Languages of Children.”

The thought behind this book is that each child has a “primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best.”  When you read this book, you go through ALL the love languages, because children benefit from all expressions of love, and also because over time your child’s love language might change. 

I like this particular quote as to why love and connection are important: “In this book we will emphasize the importance of love in rearing your child.  The ultimate goal is to rear your child (or children) to become a mature adult.  All aspects of a child’s development require a foundation of love.  For instance, a child’s feelings of anger can be channeled positively when he senses a parent’s love.  He is more likely to consider and accept your suggestions when he perceives your love as genuine and consistent.”

The five love languages are

1. Physical Touch

2.  Words of Affirmation

3. Quality Time

4.  Gifts

5.  Acts of Service

Loving your child in their language on a consistent basis helps a child feel loved through the more challenging times.  Loving your child in an unconditional way and keeping that connection filled, but still holding fast to the boundaries you set, is very important.  These principles hold the  keys for good parenting; I have written about this time and time again on this blog.  Gentle parenting does not mean an absence of boundaries.

You are the parent.  You have more life experience with which to guide your children.  You should know yourself what boundaries there are in your own home and with each other.  Children without any boundaries do not grow up to do well in the world because they have had everything handed to them on their whim and demand.  You can be a gentle parent, an authentic parent, AND you can still do the hard work of keeping the boundaries you have set in your home.  In fact, this is a must for your children to grow up to be healthy adults.

However, your children must feel loved in order for these boundaries to work, and  love languages are a huge piece of this.  You can say you love your child all you want, but if they do not “feel” loved, that is their perception.  Love languages can be this bridge between your world and the world of your child.  It can help provide that connection that forms the basis of a healthy family.

In the next post, we will take a peek at the characteristics of all five of the love languages.  In that, you may learn something about your child, your spouse and yourself.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Cardinal Rules Of Waldorf Education

Posted on by
9
Mrs. Marsha Johnson posted this on her Yahoo!Group and I thought is was well-worth sharing as mothers start to plan for homeschooling for the fall.

These are the wise words of Mrs. Johnson:

Cardinal Rules of Waldorf Education

1. Work with the WHOLE CHILD
2. Always begin from the child’s point of view, i.e., do not tell space stories to 4 year olds who have no concept of space, etc. but do tell nature stories about animals s/he sees on a regular basis. Think LOCALLY and expand gradually.
3. Use imitation in birth to 7, imagination in 7 to 14, and inspiration in 14 to 21.
4. Be creative and artistic in your lessons. Avoid abstract concepts, try to find hands on interesting ideas to present your material. 
5. Include movement in nearly every activity, recognize and use in-breathing and out-breathing rhythms to the day
6. Remember Head (morning), heart (rhythmic activities middle of the day) and hands (afternoon activities).
7. Set a home rhythm, get rid of excess material goods, and insist on regular rising and resting times, ensure the children have 11-12 hours of sleep per night and eat as close to Mother Nature fresh as possible!
8. Rid your home of televisions, video poisons, and insist on outdoor play, go camping, hiking, food gathering, and exploring. 
9. Pray before meals and before bed, find a spiritual path and STICK TO IT. Celebrate regular festivals
10. Develop a social network of like minded families anf gather regularly to share, support, care, and enjoy one another. Invest in these lifelong friendships.
11. Care for yourself, pursue a daily lesson for YOU, and invest time in educating yourself and enhancing your skills/abilities/ capacities.
12. Use heart seeing, heart thinking, and heart visioning. Show a warm interest in every single encounter on the physical plane, whether with a weed, a person, a pet, a sunset, or ? Empathize with the Other and teach your young to do so, too.
These are my TWELVE CARDINAL RULES OF HEALTHY WALDORF PARENTING AND LIVING…..
Love, Mrs Marsha

To join Mrs. Johnson’s Yahoo!Group, please join here waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com

Many blessings,

Carrie

The De-Escalator

Posted on by
6

Do you frequently come into a situation in your home in which a conflict needs to be worked out?  (Uh, every parent on the planet nods their head here).  Okay, so then do you typically escalate the situation or do you de-escalate it?

I ask this because many times we are in the midst of a situation in which our children require our guidance, and we think we are offering guidance, but we are doing it in the heat of the moment and in such a way that most likely all the child will remember afterwards is not the situation, not the “lesson” to be learned, but the way you made him or her feel.  Remember, you cannot guide the situation or have the child learn anything from the situation if everyone is crying, screaming, yelling or hitting.  You really  have to wait until things calm down until you can guide.  And then the piece after that is in the activity of doing, of restitution.  Save the lecture!  Work on the doing!

This is also true in any relationship where there is a conflict.  I remember finding this 45 record (remember those from oh so long ago?)  amongst my mother’s things – The Beatles’ “We Can Work It Out.”  Here it is to get you in the mood for some conflict resolution:

 

Love this, and what a timely reminder in conflict.  This phrase also happens to be the title of a nifty little NonViolent Communication book entitled (yes!):  “We Can Work It Out:  Resolving Conflicts Peacefully and  Powerfully:  A presentation of Nonvionent Communication ideas, and their use” by Marshall B Rosenberg, PhD.  This little booklet is only about 22 pages long, but I think it is very valuable in helping decipher what to do in conflict. 

The minute we start thinking, “Well, the problem with my child is that they won’t do “X”” that is really not expressing what we NEED.  We also do this with our spouses as well:   “Well, if my husband didn’t do “X” everything would be fine.”  I find that often mothers don’t really know what they need, but they sure know what they don’t like when they see it. 🙂  However, in order to have someone help you get what you want, you have to know what you need.

Dr. Rosenburg has a wonderful sentence in this book:  “At the point where either party hears themselves being criticized, diagnosed, or intellectually interpreted, I predict their energy will turn toward self-defense and counter-accusations rather than toward resolutions that meet everyone’s needs.” 

So, I think if you can define what you DO want, and then think of a strategy that meets what your need is, then you  have a much better chance at guiding your child.

The other part that can be very challenging but necessary in parenting is what Dr. Rosenburg calls “sensing the needs of others regardless of how others are expressing themselves.’ 

This is very hard with children if they are yelling or hitting or screaming.  But they are telling you something with this behavior if you can look underneath all that and then try to meet that need that they are showing you.  They need action from you, not a lot of words or questioning.

So, when you walk into a situation that requires conflict resolution, a situation that requires you to be “The De-Escalator”, know that you can do this. Children and family members give us the chance to practice this every day.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Kidscapes, Nature In The City and More!

Posted on by
4

A dear reader from Down Under recently passed this link onto me:  http://www.greenheartsinc.org/Parents__Guide.html . 

This site really has wonderful suggestions for creating nature “kidscapes” – and even if you don’t have your own yard,  this section has valuable ideas for the types of experiences in nature that would be helpful in developing the twelve senses for young children.  This website also has this document:  http://www.greenheartsinc.org/uploads/25_Easy_Nature_Play_Ideas_for_Preschool_Yards.pdf which is more specific to preschoolers.  I suggest printing out both and putting them in your Homemaking Notebook (if you have one) for planning purposes for fall and also as just general good reminders! 

In this document: (http://www.greenheartsinc.org/uploads/Green_Hearts_Design_Principles_for_Nature_Play_Spaces.pdf ), I found this terrific quote: 

“Think Small. A nature play space for you and your adult friends can be a 50,000-acre wilderness area, but for kids you have to think and plan on their scale! To best engage and excite young children, keep play area paths, structures, plantings, and challenges all significantly smaller than what you might normally envision for your typical visitors. It really doesn’t take much to delight a five-year-old, to whose eyes the world is incalculably larger than it is to yours! More small delights will keep kids playing longer than fewer large-scale ones.”

All I can say is, OH YES!  I have fielded this particular  question many times over the years: Is Waldorf only for people who live in the country? What do I do since I live in the city?

Waldorf Education and connection to nature is for everyone! I encourage families in the city to think about “adopting”  a tree on their block,  feeding the birds and putting out a bird feeder or feeding the pigeons.  You can also bring nature inside your home. For example, having and observing the lifecycle of caterpillars into butterflies, tadpoles into frogs, worm composting and ant farms,  keeping snails in a jar for a day or so so you can closely look in wonder at this fascinating creature. All of these things are wonderful and can be done in any setting – urban, suburban or rural.

Other ideas include container gardening, going a few places annually year after year like apple or berry picking, growing herbs in a windowsill garden, going outside to really feel the rain or the snow, looking for Jack Frost’s paintings on your window…all can be done wherever!

So I guess my thought is so long as you show wonder and reverence for the spot of nature where you are, ants and dandelions count!   Nature crafts are also wonderful for the smaller crowd to work hands-on with nature in an artistically pleasing way.

Please do be sure to check www.mainlesson.com for some simple nature stories or make them up! The other resource you might like would be Donna Simmons’ From Nature Stories to Natural Science available here:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/essential-christopherus-publications/from-nature-stories-to-natural-science.html

This back post on nature is near and dear to my heart; if you have not read it before perhaps you would enjoy it:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/24/connecting-your-children-to-nature/

Many blessings,

Carrie

Another Word on First Grade Readiness

Posted on by
Reply
This article is by Donna Simmons and can be found on Donna Simmons’ Christopherus Blog.  Please see Donna’s blog for more wonderful articles about topics near and dear to your heart as a parent here: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/home.html  
Here is a link for this special article:   http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2010/06/musings-on-school-readiness-and-older-children.html  

This article addresses not only the six-year-old year but other transition years/grades for older children.  This article is really wonderful, and I encourage you to read it.

For the Early Years section of this article,  I especially and wholly agree with the idea that we are starting children much too early in Waldorf Kindergarten at school.   At home,  we have the opportunity to make the “Waldorf Kindergarten” years the “five-year-old year”  (ie, starting at  the ages of four and a half/five years old) and  the “six-year-old year” (ie, starting at five and a half/six years of age) with first grade starting at six and a half or seven years of age based upon your individual assessment of your child.  I have posts on this blog about the one and two –year- old in the Waldorf Home, the three and four- year -old in the Waldorf Home, and many articles about the six-year-old kindergarten year.  My perspective on the five and six-year old years will be forthcoming.

For those of you with older children, I encourage you to read this article as Donna shares candidly about her high school experiences from her perspective as a Waldorf Educator, now a high school teacher, and as a parent.

I hope you find this article as wonderful as I did…  Donna Simmons has many wise word regarding children and their needs.  Thank you Donna!

Many blessings,

Carrie

A Summer Parenting Project For You

Posted on by
12

Some adults say they are not religious, but that they are spiritual.  So, my question for all of us to ponder today is how we make our religion and/or our spirituality evident to our children through  ACTIVITY?  A child is about DOING.  How does your child see you express your religious and spiritual views?  Do you even know what these are?  And, if not, can you figure them out?

I like what Donna Simmons has to say in her Third Grade Syllabus regarding festivals:  “It seems right to me that as a child develops a new relationship to authority and to his sense of self and place in the world, hallmarks of the Nine Year Change, he needs opportunities  to deepen his relationship to the spiritual worlds.  And what is most important is that this take place via you, your family and your community.  Your child needs to see his parents and significant adults standing strongly in their beliefs.  It might be that some day your child’s path takes her quite some distance from your beliefs, but her first steps need to start from standing firmly beside you.”

I urge you to make one of your projects this summer to explore your own religious and/or spiritual beliefs – really figure out what resonates with you!  Then, can you use the summer to explore places of worship or other venues where you can be with people who have the same spiritual beliefs you do?  But the catch is this:   that place, that venue should  also  be a community  in which your children can participate.  Yes, this has to be something the family participates in, the child participates in, and something the child can see and do. 

The other catch is that you cannot bring your adult perfectionism to the table or your past experiences.  Pick what resonates with you from a clean slate and leave your baggage behind!  Try it! 

Children need this place of religious and spiritual orientation to start from.  Give them that boat to start in and show them which way to paddle.  If in the future, if they decide to throw away the oars and jump off the boat, that is okay – but you at least are giving them a place to start. 

A great meditative summer project!  Would love to hear what happens!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Foundation Years of Ages 9-12: Decreasing High-Risk Behavior in Teens

Posted on by
8

Many of you have been following along chapter by chapter the wonderful book,  “Discipline Without Distress:  135 Tools for raising caring, responsible children WITHOUT time-out, spanking, punishment, or bribery” by Judy Arnall.

The last chapter we reviewed was the chapter regarding the teenaged years.  There were some very sobering facts in there, such as suicide is one of the top three causes of death in teens, that the average marijuana use in the US is age 14, that many children have tried alcohol by age 12.  This really has hit home  for me personally as I know three mothers  who have really struggled with their teens in the areas of addiction issues and sexual promiscuity.  One of the teens recently overdosed, was the victim of a crime,  and lost his life.  This is a heart-breaking tragedy and I have felt so sad about this.  As parents we always wonder what we could have done differently in a situation like this, and my heart hurts for this family.

Judy Arnall, in this chapter about teens, goes through some of the things parents of teenagers need (for our teenagers to respect themselves and others, to have their teenagers feel successful in their relationships, school, work and community).  She lists some of the reasons that teenagers try high-risk behaviors such as curiosity, unhealthy self-esteem and want to feel good about themselves, lack of coping skills to deal with their problems and needing to escape, not understanding that they can say “no” to a sense of obligation or pressure from peers or  partners, needing to feel grown-up, needing to rebel, needing to fit in and win approval of peers, needing to escape uncomfortable feelings, feeling invincible and not understanding the risks/benefits/ consequences, not being able to communicate their needs to their family.

I would add a few things to this list:  besides curiosity,I think  boredom coupled with  a lack of guidance by caring adults to channel this boredom or curiosity into healthy things, and also I think there is a   lack of something bigger than themselves to worry about.  I think this is extremely important.

I was talking to a dear friend about this chapter and she was saying one thing that really helped her in her teenaged years was that she was very into horses and horseback riding and that she had a horse who depended upon her every day to take of it.   That is something bigger than yourself.

I talked  about this book regarding  rites of passage  ( https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/30/rite-of-passage-parenting-four-essential-experiences-to-equip-your-kids-for-life-heading-up-to-the-nine-year-change-and-beyond/), and part of the book asks essentially “what does your child do around the house that you could not be without if they were not there?”  There it is again:  what is your child involved in that is bigger than himself or herself?  How is your child tied to you, your family, your community?

If the average age of marijuana use is 14, and the average child has tried drinking before age 12, I believe the foundation for decreasing high-risk teenage behaviors HAS to start around that nine-year change (and before, of course.  Attachment and security and so many things are laid during that first seven year cycle)  But in many ways, I think because that nine-year change is a watershed where your child starts to feel separate from others, separate from you and the family, different, is noticing things about how different families and people do different things,  now is the time to start.

I have an almost nine-year old, and I am trying to formulate some thoughts in my head as to how to create responsibility for my child that is bigger than her, how to keep time together,how to keep  communication open, and how to best answer her questions about life.    I am thinking hard.  I have four years until the teenaged years, and this time is precious to me.  Is it to you?

It is NOT enough to just talk about drugs and alcohol and sex.  Yes, those conversations have to be there and they have to keep going throughout these years.  But, there has to be ACTION.   How will you help your child/teen structure their time, their environment, so these behaviors are less likely to occur?  What are the top three things in your house that your child KNOWS is not negotiable?  What freedoms can you give, but also what RESPONSBILITIES go with these freedoms?  WHAT does your child have to look up to , to participate in, to take care of, that is bigger than himself or herself? 

What community OUTSIDE the family is your child involved in and accepted in – is it one that you have helped create or one that just happened along the way?  I am sure both can be okay, but it is important to know what is going on in that community.  For example, how well do you know your child’s friends?  Judy Arnall brings up the point of creating a “secondary community” away from the school environment if your child is in school – through church or other religious outlets, through Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts, through volunteering .   There HAS to be something bigger than themselves for these children.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Teenagers and “Discipline Without Distress”

Posted on by
6

Ah, we are down to the LAST two chapters in this book and then we will be ready to start “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Ned To Matter More Than Peers” by Neufeld and Mate.

This chapter is an interesting one from my perspective because I have a few things to add from  not just an attachment parenting perspective but also from  a Waldorf parenting perspective. 

The title of this chapter is “Discipline Tools for Teenagers 13-19: Negotiate”. (Which okay, I have to admit, when I first read the title, I sort of thought, yes, negotiate, but not just negotiate!  But let’s see what Judy Arnall says first).   The author starts the chapter by saying, “I believe most rebellion and power struggles among teenagers and their parents result from the lack of change of discipline techniques that should occur when children grow, particularly the use of non-punitive discipline from the time children are born….The problem occurs when parents use punishments and bribes liberally through the school-aged years, and then find out those methods aren’t working anymore with the children who are more resourceful and bigger than they.”    Agreed!

Another quote:  “…there are plenty of studies that also show teen rebellion, risk behavior, and crime are linked to harsh physical punishment and neglect.”  Agreed.  I have also seen this first-hand in my  work with children and families.

“Some anecdotal evidence comes from the home-schooling community.  It’s interesting to see the peer pressure that engulfs school teens is relegated to the sidelines in homeschooled teens. Family is still front and center in their lives.  I’ve noticed that influence and warmth of family togetherness is still a priority in some home-schooled families’ lives with teenagers.  …..Even in families whose children attend school, I’ve seen close parent-child relationships if the parenting style was nurturing and democratic.  It’s even more important in non-home schooling families due to increased peer pressure.”  Yes!  And this is another reason for the “Hold On To Your Kids” book study coming up!  Attachment can benefit all families, no matter what age the child!

The author talks about how much of the moodiness, sensitivity, etc of the teen years are due to hormones.  This, of course, not being that kind of book, does not take into account the four-fold human being (head back to this post if you need refreshing as to what the four-fold human being entails:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/27/the-four-fold-human-being/    )  Yes, teenagers have hormones, but that only takes into account the PHYSICAL body.  We know that teenagers are in the midst of the  astral body – the seat of emotions, passion, antipathy and sympathy.  Even if you don’t believe in Steiner’s view, how about this idea that something else is developing besides just the  physical body’s progression toward different hormone levels?  The teenage years are about individuality, about discovering one’s identity, one’s likes and dislikes, where one fits.    It is a wild ride!

The author Judy Arnall lists the following parenting techniques that would be helpful for this stage:  listening,  making sure your teenagers knows no topic is off-limits, sharing fun, talking about your days together, being comfortable with disagreeing, offering your advice as an option and not the “ONLY” answer, using humor, telling them what they can do as opposed to what they cannot do, rehearsing strategies with them for situations that would involve risk-taking behavior.

She talks about the development of teenagers, that they do go in and out of the stages of childhood (and therefore are not completely mature), that we must  recognize that their body clock does want to stay up late and sleep late, and many more tips.  This list is on page 125.

She has a whole wonderful list of “living together issues” and “values collisions” and what to do.  There are things such as “Be prepared to seek community support and information should sexual activity, drug use, or other risk taking behaviors go beyond teen experimentation.” 

The next part is sections is negotiate your “no”, focus on the child’s strength, speak respectfully (and insist on being spoken to respectfully), offer a one-time consultation, reflective questions (and I would add NonViolent Communication can be a good tool for those 14 and up), keep communication lines open, reconsider the situation with new information, have a few clear rules, decide what you will do, take a parent time-out, separate the big issues from the small issues (and mentions figuring out the three things you will uphold  no matter what), reduce the reasons for rebellion, respect privacy, change the environment, stimulation, model behavior, decide on problem ownership (this reminds me of Barbara Coloroso’s book), connect and then direct, problem-solve, use I-statements, active listening, spend time together, don’t lecture over a casual question about a “hot”topic, encourage capability, contracts, welcome your teenager’s friends,  developing humor and acceptance, and holding, cuddling and hugs (still important!).

She remarks, “Teens still want  two critical elements of attachment theory:  freedom to explore and a secure base.”  “Teens still need and want  their parents very much but in different ways than in the past.”

She delves into handling “attitude” (both your child’s AND yours!), how to influence a behavioral change (which, always ironically, means to start with changing yourself), dating, driving, school problems, teen pranks, teen peer groups and then high-risk behavior:  sexual  behavior, drugs, suicide, crime, weapons possession, eating disorders.  One sobering statistic noted is that the “average age of first marijuana use in the US is age 14, and many teens abuse alcohol by age 12.”   Also, the US, the UK and Canada, suicide is one of the top three leading causes of death for 14 to 19- year -olds.   Another sobering fact.

The high-risk section was most interesting to me, and I would like to talk about it a bit more in my next post. 

We are almost through this book and I highly encourage you to read this book if you have not been reading along with us before now!

Would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter if you do have the book!

Many blessings,

Carrie