Much of the popular bookstore literature regarding discipline of the small child to the pre-teenaged years are sorely lacking, in my opinion. 

These resources typically demonstrate one of two approaches.  The first approach is to focus solely on cause and effect (ie, carrot-stick, bribe or punishment), which does not take into account that children do not really even begin to develop the ability to use cause and effect reasoning until the age of twelve.  A kinder and gentler way of this approach is to talk the child to death in hopes that all your explanations will lead to the child agreeing with you.  These are really two facets of this same approach, and neither one is developmentally appropriate.   

The second approach is one that focuses on empathizing with the child.  I am not saying that this is a bad thing, to connect with the child when there is a challenge, but only using empathy can lead both child and parent bogged down in how each one feels and why without much resolution, or just lead to endless talking (circling back to approach number one as described above).    Kim John Payne, in his book “Simplicity Parenting”, talks about how children under the age of nine developmentally display a more diffuse manner of feeling “good” or “bad”, unless they have really been coached in labeling feelings. 

I propose a more balanced approach to discipline.  After all, the first approach is focused on thinking: cause and effect.  Yet this is such a fallacy.  Children developmentally don’t think the same way adults do.  The second approach is focused on feeling.  Whilst   connecting to a child through the feeling life is important, there are other ways we can do that besides words, which frequently seem to get ignored:  the warm smile, the holding of a steady rhythm in the midst of anxiety and stress, the hug.  These cues often seem to get ignored and lost in the literature that focuses on a feeling approach to discipline.

A balanced approach involves not just thinking (mainly on the part of the adult!)  Were is the child’s consciousness in this situation?  That is for you, the thinking adult, to realize, and to bring your patience and persistence to this), feeling (are you feeling compassionate and loving toward your child?  But loving does not mean the child has to be responded to right away or that the child gets what they want!  Wants and needs are two different things in children above the age of 2!) but also involves willing.  What can the child DO in action, to help the situation.

How are you moving, in movement, in your body, to help the child?

Give your children phrases to use that they can imitate, short phrases that involve not so much thinking but willing – what can they do?  What are your words helping them to do , how are your words entering into the child and helping them create their own will? 

Other things that help a balanced approach to discipline include boundaries, the word no, positive words to imitate, real work, and a strong rhythm.

Firm boundaries are important, and especially so for small children who live in their bodies. Hitting, spitting, kicking, throwing are all common behaviors of the small child.  The word no is an important word.  Not everything can be phrased completely positively, especially when it comes to the safety of the child or other children.    We can give a child a positive or accepted action, but sometimes it is really important for the child to hear no and live with that boundary before even hearing the positive thing they can do. 

Some Waldorf kindergarten teachers use the phrase, “You may…”  Some teachers do not like this approach, and for situations where there really is no choice will use the phrase, “You will.” 

Real work is something that turns difficult situations about.  In the home environment, going back to the basics of food, and sleep are also important.  Sometimes as children become tired they get more and more wound-up, and throw and hit and kick and spit more.  Keeping a solid rhythm of warming foods and sleep and rest is a vital component of discipline.    With small children you must plan ahead and keep things on track.

You can do this!  Envision how you want your family to be, and use your patience and persistence to make it happen! 

Many blessings,

Carrie

All you can do in the face of such tragedy, such tragedy and loss that it makes no sense at all…is to gather your family and love them.   Tell your children, show your children this love. Gather your community and sit in intimate love with all of those people.  Reach out to the people in your community who don’t reach out. Help those who need it.

All you can do in the face of tragedy is to be as strong as you can.  Go into each day with the assured knowledge that despite the actions of one person, the world is still a good place.  There are still kind and caring people everywhere.  The world is not a place to be feared and it is not a place from which  to isolate your children.  Isolation is not the solution to societal problems. 

All you can do in the face of tragedy is to find support in your community.  Your community can carry far more for you and for your children than you ever could on your own. 

All you can do in the face of tragedy is create your own home to be a place of goodness, a place of beauty and of stability.  Create a safe and steady rhythm for your days, your week and your year.  Go back to the wisdom of earlier times, to those who knew the cosmic rhythms, knew the liturgical rhythms, and knew the rhythm of man himself in life.

All you can do in the face of tragedy is to love your children with all your heart.  Heal your childhood wounds. Do not pass these onto your children.   Tame your words, and take a break if you need it in order to tame your words and actions.   Yet, at the same time, be easy on yourself and on those around you.  Life is not perfect, people are not perfect.  And yet we are all still here and we can all love one another.

All you can do in the face of tragedy is to lean on your God when you cannot walk yourself.   Tragedy faces men, yet we rise up in triumph.  Tragedy faces us, yet we persevere.  Tragedy faces us, yet we remain strong.  Tragedy faces us, yet we create anew. 

Rise up.  Love one another and start from the most precious place one can start – our own homes and families.  Let our light branch out to the rest of mankind.

Rise up.

Mourning tonight with the rest of the world,

Carrie