I thought I posted this yesterday (Saturday) and I didn’t! Yikes! You can tell pregnancy brain is setting in around here, LOL…..At any rate, I posted the first post in the series that Melisa Nielsen of A Little Garden Flower is starting. These are posts regarding developing your own will for homeschooling.
Here is the introduction post from Friday:
http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/09/developing-the-will-now.html
Let’s all follow along together!
Carrie
In one of my previous posts entitled “Raising Peaceful Children” found here https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/17/raising-peaceful-children/, I put forth my theory that too many women are just doing too much by themselves. They are wearing more hats than any one person can possibly wear, and the result is a stressed-out mommy and then, accordingly, anxious children.
This, of course, behooves the question: Well, how do I get rid of some of these hats?
This is such an individual thing, difficult to discuss in a blog forum for sure, but here are some general suggestions where you can take what resonates with you:
Sit down WITHOUT your children running around, with paper and pencil in hand and write down your top three goals for your family. (If you have a family mission statement, that really does help. See this post about The Family Mission statement here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/).
Write down all the activities that you are doing inside and outside your home. Could you narrow your activities so they support your top three goals for your family? Can you and your spouse dialogue about this?
If you feel you are wearing too many hats due to the economic crisis and financial strain, is there any way to lessen that? It could mean painful choices in order to reach your top three priorities. I know families where one of the top three priorities is for the mother to be able to stay home and homeschool, so they sold their homes and moved into a rental unit. They sold off many things. And mom could stay home! I know families who sold one car, so the family has only one car that the mother takes one day a week. This means the children only “get out” one day a week. I know families who moved so they could walk to things instead of being in a car.
If your strain is due to having too many very worthwhile and positive activities, one piece of advice a friend gave me is to contact all these organizations and tell them you are taking a break for 18 months at which point a re-evaluation will take place. Many times no one will step up to volunteer until someone has stepped down. The other issue as well is that if whatever thing you are doing falls apart because you are no longer doing it, perhaps that means that it is not the right time in the right place within your community for this activity to happen.
What would happen if you took out a period of three to four months with no outside activities and mainly stayed home? What would life look like then?
These are just general suggestions, but hopefully enough to spark some thoughts in you. If you have gotten off the hamster wheel of too many commitments, too many hats and would like to share, please do post in the comments section – many harried mothers would welcome the input!
Many blessings,
Carrie
To me, happiness is a habit. Happiness is not something that comes from external sources – ie, the whole “this made me happy today” and “this made me sad” and “this made me angry”. Yes, things happen and we sometimes feel happy, sad or angry as a first reaction – but with time and practice, we can learn to modify our inner landscape and choose how to react, help rid ourselves of stress, worry and anxiety and put in its place a sense of peace instead. Peace, to me, is the Real Deal of Happiness. Peace is that inner quality that occurs no matter what the circumstances of life surround you.
The way to this path is to choose to be happy and peaceful as your journey, as a conscious step every day, and not just viewing happiness as this elusive goal. Here are some thoughts for how to do this:
1. Practice basic meditation – Steiner has some great exercises for anthroposophical inner work and if you go here you will find the inner work of the day posted: http://www.rsarchive.org/
2. Do your best to not model worry, anxiety and guilt for your family members. I would venture to say that many of us have worried, anxious and guilty thought patterns because this is what was modeled to us as children. It is an easy thing to pass on to the next generation.
3. Limit your hurrying: being hurried and overscheduled can lead quickly to feeling overwhelmed, guilt-ridden and anxiety-ridden. As homeschoolers, many of us could be so booked with activities we could be out of the house every day, morning, afternoon, and night. Pick and choose and realize that homeschooling can be about, and should be about, being in your home.
4. Religious practices can provide peace – easy to knock it until you try it and create a practice. Many people are very cynical regarding organized religion, but I urge you to investigate this if this is a stumbling block for you. Find the religious path that works for you and work at it. Certain faiths, such as the Catholic faith and the Episcopal faith, have a “Daily Office” where prayers are said at certain times of the day – this can be a very grounding experience to help you focus your attention off of yourself and onto something higher. To my Orthodox readers, does this also exist in the Orthodox Church as well?
5. Exercise. Walk, bike, swim, take the time to go to the gym if you have the financial luxury to be able to afford a gym, walk on some nature trails, do some yoga. Make this a priority for yourself and for your children. This is very important for dealing with depression and anxiety, and to help feel more peaceful.
6. Re-frame how you look at things, and how you say things. Watch your words like the pearls you are, because the words you say are the reality for your children.
7. Forge as close and intimate a relationship as you can with your spouse or partner. Your children are NOT a substitute for the intimacy you should be experiencing with your adult partner, and your children will be better for it to see this wonderful, healthy relationship between two adults who can laugh and have fun together. Having this relationship as a bedrock in your life will provide you with peace!
I think creating a habit of happiness for your inner work is this coming school year is very important. I hear so many mothers who tell me up and down how fortunate they are to be able to be home during this economy, how they like being a stay-at-home mother but yet all they do is complain about their husbands, their homes, their weight and body image, their children’s behavior and themselves.
Stop complaining; choose peace and happiness instead. Start with yourself in small steps and model this for your spouse and your children; you may be surprised with the wonderful results!
Many blessings,
Carrie
You can be the parent you want to be. Choose happiness and peace; choose to be calm in the face of a small child who is upset. Choose to be loving and gentle. You will never go wrong by showing your child compassion and love while also having a heart for knowing what will lift your child up and help your child within the developmental stage in which they are living.
I have some general thoughts about parenting with this kind of courage. And this kind of parenting does take courage! Many parents today are rushing about, attempting to placate their lack of a family life with their children through a myriad of outside the home activities and a myriad of material goods.
As always, start with yourself. Do you have integrity? Are you honest? Do you have time for your family and friends outside of your immediate family who need your listening ear or your help? Do you show your child that you help people? Are you patient?
Do you have a plan for parenting? What will your child be allowed to do at what ages? When will your child get to go to a sleepover, to see a movie, to get their ears pierced, to go on a date? What tasks do you expect your child to do as part of the care of the household? What things in your family are rites of passage? Do you have a plan that encompasses an understanding of where a three or four year old is developmentally as opposed to a ten or eleven year old?
Do you have warm and loving feelings toward your family, toward having children and raising children or do you feel trapped and isolated? If so, how could you change that? How could you radiate a positive attitude about mothering and about life? Your children are watching you and imitating your attitude!
Look at your home – is it peaceful? Summer is here, and there are still many weeks now before school starts (Waldorf homeschoolers at least take the summer off!) You could really go through and organize and deep clean one room a week until school starts……Have the decluttered environment in your home you have always dreamed of! You could also go through and put one small thing of beauty in each room – perhaps a small crystal, a flower in a small bud vase or something special to your heart. You don’t need a lot of financial means to clear things out and put a few flowers around! Remember, Waldorf is not about the wooden toys per say, but about understanding the essence of the developmental stages.
Look at your children – are they happy, healthy and thriving? What do they need to be in that place besides you centering yourself? One area that I think helps besides just a lot of love and listening and compassion is to give children work to do.
If your child is three to six years of age, you may have to be right with them and holding the space, but I bet they can dress themselves with you watching, brush their teeth and floss their teeth with your help, brush their hair with your help, make their own bed with you on one side and them on the other, put plates and cups and bowls by the sink, help fold laundry and put it away, bring clothes to the laundry room for washing, dust, scrub the toilet, sweep, water plants at first with supervision and then by themselves and lots of other things! One would never expect a three-year-old to just run off and do these things, but start building it into your rhythm. We get up, we go the bathroom, we eat breakfast and get dressed or however you do it in your home – if it is part of the rhythm and you are there to do it first, to guide, to be there for them to imitate, it will become habit.
For seven to twelve year olds, your child could clean their rooms with help at first, doing it with you holding the space and then doing it on their own, they could wash dishes, load and unload a dishwasher, cook simple meals, and a myriad of other things.
My almost eight year old asked my husband the other day if she would ever get a cell phone like Daddy and Mommy have. My husband looked at her and said, “Yes, honey, when you can work and pay for the phone.” Now, we don’t have as much need for a child to have a cell phone as we are not separated from our children due to school or at other activities where we are not present in some form, but I still thought that was a great answer! Teens can definitely work and pay for things – cell phones, car insurance, gasoline they use in the car and other things. The teenaged years are practice for life, for managing money, for decision making, for understanding and yes,even experiencing the consequences of decisions. It sounds difficult for a mother’s soul to hear when she has little ones, but it is the natural course of life.
Summer is a great time to map out a plan to deal with whatever challenges your family is facing right now. Be that positive light to uplift and embrace your child!
Until next time,
Carrie
Not too long ago, my husband took me aside and talked to me about my life. He essentially said there were several friendships and organizations he noted I was nurturing, but he could tell the effort I was putting forth was not being met equally from the other side. (Has anyone out there ever had that experience?) He explained to me that he would love to see my cultivate some friendships that were especially supportive to me and nourishing to me. He asked me, “Who in your circle of friends truly nourishes you when you spend time with them? Have you seen any of them lately?”
Well, I sat down and made a list and then I picked three ladies off my list whom I don’t get to see as much as I used to, and I picked up the phone and called them. We all agreed to meet for dinner at a local restaurant without our children for true night out to nurture ourselves as women and as friends.
What a delightful and illuminating evening! What wonderful, frank conversation we had as we discussed our lives and held council together. Three wonderful souls surrounded me that night, and I hold them as my “brain trust” – the women with whom I can speak with and garner support from.
How much time are you spending on friendships or organizations or on things that are just not nurturing your soul? Or, conversely, do you have any close friends whom you can really talk to? I think every woman really needs that.
My husband is my best friend, but he often reminds me men can be true problem solvers and not always as patient regarding the “venting” of life that another woman can provide. Other women can give us strength and wisdom as we travel this path.
I urge you to connect with your close friends and value your relationship,
Carrie
Today we had some friends with their children over to swim and I looked around in amazement at how much the children had grown – how many of them have already “thinned out”, how many were all legs and such. It was truly a time to enjoy the marvels of their healthy bodies running and playing and swimming under the sun.
And what I realized in that shining sunlight was that these were what a friend of mine would call “tender and precious” children. It is not that these children don’t have their own bumps in the path, or their times of disequilibrium as they grow and mature, but that they are truly tender and precious – just like their beautiful, wise and wonderful mothers!
Because all of us are spiritual beings on a spiritual path. My path is to draw closer to God throughout my lifetime. How much are we called to be positive beacons for our children, to lift our children up to the next level, the next place, to support and love unconditionally? How much are we called to just love one another and these beautiful beings who chose to share their souls with ourselves and within our family?
There are so many myths surrounding motherhood in our society – that motherhood somehow forces a woman not to use all of her skills, that motherhood somehow stunts a woman’s growth in her life, that motherhood is somehow “just being a mother”.
We have the unique opportunity to model for our children the very best qualities of ourselves and our society. We have an incredible opportunity for self-examination and self-discovery. Why does this behavior bother me so? How can I surrender myself and decrease myself and increase my neutral, calm, centered peacefulness more? How can I be a better listener? How can I use less words but still gently guide my child as needed? Motherhood provides us the opportunity to ask the difficult questions of our own values and priorities and really solidify that.
Being a positive mother is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give your children. Use your words so wisely, so carefully with your tender and precious children. We are all adept at finding one another’s faults, those weaknesses. Back off and also see the good, see the wonderful moments as they are. See the things that people say to you with the best underlying intention that you can imagine. See the things your children do with the best underlying intention possible. As a Waldorf parent, I believe that small children are truly neither good nor bad, but again, on this spiritual path and learning. I have tremendous influence here. I am a woman of worth for my children and my family.
Encourage your children, encourage other mothers, encourage your spouse and encourage yourself.
Be wonderful in living this moment together,
Carrie
Don’t get me wrong, I like computers. I love writing and researching and my computer is a wonderful tool and means to do this.
However, I have been thinking a lot about the generally addictive nature of the computer in relation to Waldorf. Part of the issue with Waldorf Education is to put in rhythm and times of in-breath and out-breath for our small children so they can develop balance and health. Mothers sometimes talk to me about their little people who would be happy to do nothing but look at books all day or color all day or what have you. This goes back to YOU, the mother, being the one to set the tone in your home by having times for those types of activities and times we don’t do those activities. It takes effort to provide a rhythm, but what a wonderful payback for the effort invested!
So, now let’s jump ahead to us, the adults in the family. There was an article in my newspaper this weekend about folks being addicted to Facebook, and it made me think about my own computer habits. Stop for a moment and think about your own computer habits.
How many times a day do you check email?
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and want to go check email or Facebook?
Can you turn your computer off at 8 PM and be done for the night or does the computer keep beckoning to you to come and look at something else on it?
Interesting questions, aren’t they? One thing many people are doing is taking time away from the computer – whether that is one day a week without turning the computer on or if that means closing down the computer at a certain time every night – that is up to them.
If we want our children to achieve balance in their adulthood, the best thing we can do is to model this for them in our own lives. In addition, if we follow the thought of having times of in-breath and out-breath in our own homes in order to bring rhythmical qualities to our children so they can then take over these forms themselves, we are doing them a huge favor toward health.
Food for thought today,
Carrie
Many spiritual and religious traditions include having a day of rest. Even for those of you without a specific spiritual or religious path, wouldn’t a day of rest a week sound wonderful? Perhaps you would like to have a day of rest once a week to go have a picnic by a lake with your family, or a day up in the mountains.
Of course, the question is how to make this happen!
This is something I am working toward and can only share my progress and plans. To me, there needed to be several things in place before I could have a day of rest. These things included 1-all the housework and laundry done beforehand, the refrigerator full, errands done 2- a plan for meals and advance meal preparation for our day of rest to also include a special dinner the night before our day of rest 3- a plan for that day for my family, including perhaps a special box of things that only come out on that day for the children to play with in the morning and also notions on how we would spend our day.
My plans so far include doing things each day of the week to get ready for the day of rest, and using the two days before the day of rest as more serious preparation days. This past weekend we experimented with easy meals/meals made in advance and found that satisfactory. Having a plan to get housework, laundry, errands, grocery shopping all done and in place has also been a huge help.
Just something to think about and see if this appeals to you,
Carrie
Have you grown to feel resentful of your child and the lack of boundaries, the lack of time for your own dreaming, the lack of time for planning?
It is time for a CHANGE!
First of all, have you ever just congratulated yourself in the excellent job you have done being a mother? It is difficult in those early years to learn how to surrender your time, your body, your breasts, your bed and your bath to a little baby with such intense needs. Those days where baby or even small toddler and you are together, a beautiful open oneness.
Until the day comes that perhaps you realize your child is changing and you realize that your child is not just a reflection of you, a part of you, an extension of you. They are their own wonderful, unique separate human being! A marvelous being who is completely different from YOU. You are not the same as your child.
So how do we regain some balance in our homes and in our lives?
First of , we do accept that if we have a baby, our baby’s needs deserve to be met and we are CHOOSING to meet them in the way we are responding to our baby. We also accept the fact that our parenting must change as our child grows and goes through different stages. If you need help knowing what is appropriate when, please do look through past posts on this blog regarding the developmental stages of the three, four, five, six and seven-year-old.
Secondly, we accept those moments in parenting that are a challenge. In the book “Everyday Blessings” Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn write that, “Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart. Each time I come to understand something about one of my children, I also learn something about myself and the child that I once was, and that knowledge acts as a guide for me. When I am able to empathize and feel compassion for a child’s pain, when I am accepting of the contrary, irritating, exasperating behaviors that my children can manifest, try on, experiment with – the healing power of unconditional love heals me as it nourishes them. As they grow, I grow. My transformations are inside.”
We start to look for ways of balancing not only the needs of our child (once our child is old enough), and the needs of ourself and our family. Here are some suggestions:
1. Practice Mindful Parenting /Being in The Present–
Ask yourself, “Is this establishing connection and trust with my child?” “Is this a respectful way to treat my child?” Ask yourself, “Is this a short-term solution that has really bad long-term consequences?” Ask yourself “Is this about my inner balance? My own stuff?”
2. Practice Acceptance –
In Everyday Blessings, Myra and Jon Kabat-Zinn write that acceptance is an inner orientation which acknowledges that things are as they are, whether they are the way we want them to be or not.
“How I respond to this episode is determined by how I see or don’t see my child in that moment.”
“There are so many different ways to view what we often call “difficult” or “negative behaviors” in our children. What might be completely unacceptable to someone else might be normal behavior to me, and vice versa.”
They suggest practicing in these ways:
-Try to imagine the world from you child’s point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world
-Imagine how you appear and sound from your child’s point of view, i.e., having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?
–There are very important times when we need to practice being clear and strong and unequivocal with our children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness and generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering and controlling.
3. Acceptance is Easier If We Know and Understand Normal Breastfeeding Behavior and Normal Developmental Stages….
4. Stop describing yourself as busy because this is viewing a situation as negative and it is not helpful to you! ( from the book The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood, page 15) Try re-framing your thoughts!
5. Guard Your Mind (pg. 15 from The Hidden Feelings Of Motherhood) “Pay attention to what you watch, listen to, and read…Try to be selective and look for material that builds you up and nourishes your spirit.”
6. Take Care of Your Body (pg. 15 from The Hidden Feelings of Motherhoood) “You need to consider it a priority to eat well, exercise, sleep and get regular physicals.” Those of you out there struggling with low milk supply and nursing, do know that anemia, hypothryoidism and other physical factors can impact milk supply! Get checked out!
7. Be Unavailable at Least Some Time Every Day.
8. Plan Restorative Vacations at home – time to do the things that would make you feel better!
9. Practice Being Grateful for What You Have
10. Laugh more – do not take everything in mothering so seriously! There are many things that three, four, five and six year olds say that do not need to be given such all-serious weight!
11. Seek out a mothering mentor –someone who is POSITIVE
12. Cultivate a spiritual life and seek out the beautiful in life!
13. None of this is helping –Consult with a professional right away!
From page 26 onward “The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood” talks about being committed to getting well, ruling out physical causes, knowing your treatment options, getting good nutrition, nutritional supplementation, exercise, use of cognitive behavioral therapy (which is the only talk therapy that is as effective as medication for treatment of depression and anxiety), use of herbs and antidepressants. This is a great book, please do check it out!
The book “Mother Nurture” suggests stopping things from building up- defuse BEFORE you blow up. Do not over give, blow off steam as you go along, take a break before you get to the breaking point.
Mothers who feel “manipulated” by their children often feel angry – check out normal development again! See the fast little “quiz” below – can you guess what developmental behavior comes when? Children below the age of 7 do not have the logical and cognitive abilities to be “deceptive”. Are you prickly to “challenges to your authority”? Is your own childhood getting mixed into your family? Are you taking it all just way too personally? Understand the way you are perceiving things is the true source of anger…..What is beneath the anger?
Check out NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg or Love and Anger by Nancy Samalin for further help!
Everyday Blessings talks about when your children are babies and toddlers, the struggle for balance takes the form of continually tapping our own resources to provide intense care-giving.
Quick Quiz!
| My baby… | My baby is “X” weeks/months/years old |
| Is breastfeeding 8 to 12 times in a 24 hour period | Newborn to ???? |
| Nurses once every 24 minutes for about three minutes | Newborn to ??? in countries where baby is carried while mom works |
| Has six or more wet diapers a day, and at least three bowel movements a day. | After mature milk comes in |
| Breathes with regularity, has a steady heart rate, no longer has an erratic temperature | (4 weeks) |
| Has preferred positions to lie in, and loves to sit supported and look at the world | (16 weeks) |
| Coos, laughs, chuckles out loud | (16 weeks) |
| Prefers to sit and can maintain it, and loves to have something in his hands. | ( 5 to 7 months) |
| Cries at the sight of strangers | (32 weeks and 44 weeks) |
| Darts and dashes and flings things | (15 months) |
| Gets into everything | (15 months or once walking) |
| Will climb stairs endlessly | (18 months) |
| Says “No” to everything | (18 months) |
| Is loving and affectionate and warm to other people | (2 years) |
| Is rigid, inflexible, wants everything exactly how she wants it, domineering, demanding, wants the exact same routine every day | (2 and a half years) |
| Loves to be a “we” with Mommy | (3 years) |
| Has poor coordination, stutters, has hand tremors, blinks her eyes, bites her nails, frequently cries, whines, questions Mommy, is bossy. | (3 and a half years) |
| Out of bounds – hitting, kicking, throwing, loudly laughs, fits of rage | (4 years old) |
| Loves to know about the details of things, better can deal with his frustrations, | (4 and a half) |
| Thinks Mommy is the center of her world | (5 years old) |
| Loves Mommy one minute and hates her the next, is demanding and rigid and inflexible, is very negative, has to be praised, has to win. Fights with his words and his fists. | (5 and a half, 6 years) |
| Is moody, morose, mopes and is fatigued a lot. Says no one likes him. | (7 years old) |
| Is expansive, speedy, starting a million different projects. He is interested in what Mommy thinks! Literally haunts Mommy and wants to be around a lot. | (8 years old) |
| Is much more interested in friends than family. Wants to have his independence, maturity and separateness respected. | (9 years) |
| Really wants to be good and do what is right. | (10 years) |
| Was a really poor eater, but we have seen a big rise in appetite | (4 and a half to 5 years) |
| Can’t sit still at the table | (6 years) |
| Is now an excellent eater! | (8 years old) |
| Goes to bed willingly but has night terrors | (5 years old) |
| Wanders around the house in the middle of the night | (3 years old) |
| Could nurse 7 or 9 times a day, but we can also negotiate about when to nurse, nursing length may last about a minute | (4 years old) – from Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and studies of nursing habits of 4 year olds in Bangladesh. |
| Nurses like a newborn again! | ( 13 months to 18 months) |
| Nurses a lot, but my friend has a baby the same age who only nurses a few times a day and for naptimes and bedtimes | (2 years old, 2 and a half) |
| Naturally weaned, nursing just tapered off and I don’t know when the last nursing was | (4 or so and up, some sources say at least two and a half and up) |
| Can live with some limits on nursing | (3 years old) This is from “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” published by LLLI |
You are the grown-up, but you need energy infusions from family, friends, to keep going. When we are balanced, we can be child-centered, but not child-obsessed. We can be excited about our children, appreciative of our children, relate to our children, but not be over-involved and over-invested. We can set some boundaries and say them without being hostile or rejecting our children.
Lovingly yours,
Carrie
Some more interesting points from Melisa’s workshop that I attended over the weekend that I am still digesting:
She talked at length about getting comfortable with the idea of Spirit/Source/God as a foundation of your Waldorf homeschooling experience and what that might look like in your home and family life (Please see the post entitled “Refreshed and Renewed” for more details about that!)
She talked at length about reading Steiner for yourself and/or listening to the audio archives of Steiner’s available on the Web as the second part of your foundation for Waldorf homeschooling.
She talked at length about taking care of yourself, your family, self-care for the homeschooling mother, the role of the father, finding alone time, how to handle chores for children of different ages, allowances, feeding the whole family. How to get all this done so you have time to homeschool, LOL!
Melisa talked about the question of is it possible to combine Waldorf homeschooling with Unschooling or with Classical approaches.
She talked about the differences between providing a Waldorf education at home based upon Steiner’s indications versus attendance at a Waldorf school.
There was so much more that was so interesting, but it might be thought-provoking for you, dear Reader, to look at some of those topics above and think about how you feel about those things, how those things look in your family.
If you have comments, please do leave them in the comment section. I would love to hear what you have to say!
In Peace,
Carrie
The Parenting Passageway 