Author Archives: Carrie

Self-Control

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I think one of the most important things we can develop as a parent and model for our children is self-control. 

Self- control shines in so many areas of life:

  • In Our Words.  How can we use our words like the pearls they should be? 
  • In Our Actions.  Our actions reflect what we are louder than anything else and become the foundation of what our children think is right and wrong.
  • In Our Thoughts.  How do we expect our children to be positive when all we are thinking are grumpy, negative and complaining thoughts?
  • In Buying.  When we have the “gimmies” and nothing is ever enough, our children pick up on this attitude.
  • In Work.  How lazy are we?  How many hours a day do we spend on the computer compared to how many hours we do practical work with our hands?  What do our children see us doing all day long?
  • In Eating and Exercising and Taking Care of Our Bodies. 
  • In Being Home and Being Out.   Must we do everything, be everywhere, make sure our children experience everything before they are fifteen?  Is this healthy?
  • In Flexibility. Can we be flexible or do we fall apart when things don’t go as we planned?
  • With Boundaries.  Are we good boundary-setters for our children, and for ourselves with other adults?  It is one thing to be polite and kind  and it is quite another to just offer ourselves up to be torn apart by others.

In what other ways can you  think of issues of self-control impacting your life?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Children and Chores

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Yes, I am still here in Little House mode, LOL.  When I was growing up, “Farmer Boy” was my absolute least favorite in the series of books about the Ingalls/Wilder family.  In fact,  I think I mainly skipped it when I was younger.  Well, I just went back and re-read it and boy, was it interesting to me!  What a wonderful coming –of- age story about Almanzo and his increasing responsibility within the family farm as he approaches age nine. 

Have you ever thought about chores in relation to your own children?  This is a pretty classic Waldorf article you may have already read regarding chores: 

http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/klocekchores.pdf

Here are a few back posts on chores and homemaking and housecleaning:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/children-chores-housecleaning-and-homeschooling/    and here:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/11/housecleaning-and-homeschooling/

I find many mothers I meet come from one of two camps:  one where they were responsible for caring for younger siblings and many responsibilities were dumped on them at an early age or that no responsibility was given to them at all.  This makes it very difficult for mothers to figure out how they feel about chores and how to present this to their children!

I believe children do  need consistent chores.  They should be contributing to the welfare of the family, there should be something that they do that is bigger than themselves, and there should be increasing responsibility as they mature.

For those of you with children under the age of  nine:  I remark here that rhythm in the practical work of the home and working TOGETHER in joy is what lays the foundation of wholly independent work beginning around the nine-year-change.   IMITATION is also another way to help children learn about chores when they are young.  What do you do every day that involves more than just pushing a button that they can imitate?  What can you “de-mechanize” in your home so your child can take part in what you are doing?

Children around the age of 9 can certainly take on chores for the family; many mothers start with cooking for both boys and girls. 

Next post up will include a list of possible chores by season and/or age to get your creative juices going regarding this important subject.

More to come,

Carrie

Layout of Blocks For Waldorf Grade Three

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Well, I am almost done planning for my Third Grader. This is the order of blocks I chose with some brief notes and resources.  I am not saying this is how YOU should do it, LOL.  The joy of homeschooling is to be able to pick what resonates with your family, your child and choose what works best for you.  However, perhaps seeing this layout will spark some ideas for your own family from this list!

Also, please note, my daughter is fully nine for this entire school year, so if you are doing Third Grade with an eight-year-old who turns nine during the  school year, you may consider placing the Old Testament Stories later in the year.  I think children should be fully nine  and in the throes of that nine year change in order to hear these tales and really have them resonate with them on a soul level.

If you would like to read what my overarching theme for this year is, please see this short post here and then come back:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/07/26/a-brief-note-about-waldorf-third-grade/

The idea for Lessons A, B and C did come from Donna Simmons’ Christopherus Homeschool Resources Third Grade Syllabus (see here:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/curriculum/3rd-grade.html) and I am incorporating it into our rhythm this year.  I am hopeful it will work out well!

So here is the layout I am in the midst of crafting, completely subject to change as I see fit:

3 weeks Old Testament Stories (A:  Form Drawing; B Math  C (after lunch): Painting alternated with  Modeling 1 week, String Games 1 week and Cooking 1 Week)

1 week  Farming (types of soils, worms, the “perfect farm”)  (A: Handwriting  with Poetry B:  Music C:  Games)

3 weeks Math from Noah’s Ark (A:  Grammar; B Music;  C  Cooking or Crafts/Festival Preparation)

4 weeks Farming (including Farm Animals  with poetry and grammar, some of Farmer Boy, types of wood, weather) (A:  Math with focus on Time ;  B:  Music;  C: Hand-sewing)

3 weeks Old Testament Math  (A:  Grammar; B – Birds, Bats with poetry (goes with farming, in my opinion and Old Testament); C- Hand-sewing and Crafts for Holidays

3 weeks Textiles (A:  Form Drawing B;  Cooking; C: Crafts)

Break for Christmas, The Twelve Holy Nights and Epiphany

1 week textiles to finish up (Lessons A; Form Drawing B cooking; C Crafts)

3 weeks Old Testament (A:  Math B: Music or Grammar C:  Painting alternated with modeling or drama or crafts)

3 weeks Math (A: Form Drawing; B:  Grammar or possibly occupations of different people/social studies; C- Crafts or Free Play)

4 weeks Native Americans (A:  Handwriting  or  Math ; B:  Movement or Music C: Crafts)

2 weeks Building (Building Projects)

Break for Holy Week and Easter

1 Week Bees (using Jakob Streit’s book) (A:  Math B:  Music C: Gardening)

3 Weeks Insects. with lots of poetry (A:  Form Drawing B:  Math or Music C: Gardening)

3 Weeks Old Testament ending with David/Testing during this time; we will actually review a bit of this ending time in the beginning of  Fourth Grade starting with the death of Moses..I really just wanted to highlight some of the faithfulness of God in some of these stories and end with some of the Psalms attributed to  King David’s  that suggests fulfillment of our lives through community and connection with God.  My child will be close to ten by the time we do this and I think this idea of our life being spiritually fulfilling and in close intimacy with God will really speak to this particular child; when we backtrack a bit in the fall with Fourth Grade with some of these stories we will look more at the moral ambiguity and human failings part of these stories in preparation for Fifth Grade.  This will not be highlighted when I cover these stories in Third Grade.  Probably clear as mud to those outside of my mind’s ramblings… Donna Simmons talks about the reasoning behind saving some of the tales for Fourth Grade here:  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2009/06/ot-stories-again.html   Although I stopped in a slightly different place than her syllabus, I will be backtracking those last stories with the Fourth Grade Syllabus and looking at those stories in a different way.

My other note about this layout:  I really wanted to get in Farm Animals, Birds, Bees and other insects in Third Grade  so I can clear up room in Fourth Grade to do a block on Ocean Animals.  As I mentioned above, I will also have some more Old Testament to finish up in Fourth Grade. 

Hope that helps some of you in your planning.

Many blessings and peace,

Carrie

Getting Ready For Back To School!

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Well, we are counting down toward the first day of school (homeschool or otherwise!).  Here are a few fast tips for getting the school year off to a successful start:

1.  I personally think the physical environment of the home is very important.  Does everything have a place?  Hopefully you have had a chance to go through and de-clutter things this summer.  Do your children know where things go?  Do you know where things are?  What is beautiful in your environment for your children to notice?

2.  How is your basic rhythm – resting, sleeping, eating?  Are you allowing enough time to get ready for things and to wind down from things?

3.  How many days a week are you going to be out of your home?  The smaller your children are, the more you should be at home, and even older children need plenty of time to rest and relax, to plan and to dream and to putter.

4.  Have you thought about the practical care of the home?  Some mothers have told me the hardest transition for them was switching from doing Waldorf Kindergarten, where such a large part of the day is spent upon practical tasks, to doing Waldorf Grades – less time for practical tasks!  How will your home be cared for?  When?  By whom?  What is the responsibility of your children? 

5.  If you are homeschooling, what lesson plans and resources do you have and what do you still need?  If your whole year is not planned out, what time will be YOUR time to plan each week in order to get the whole year laid out?

6.  What is the spiritual foundation of your home and family?  What is your Family Mission Statement?  How is this expressed in your family?  What actions do your children see that expresses this?

7.  What will you do to have FUN as a family?  When?  How?  Sometimes that can get lost in the “busyness” of the school year. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Children Who Scream

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( This post is NOT directed at toddler shrieking!  Toddler shrieking is a normal phase of development.  If you need help with toddler behavior, please see the Baby/Toddler Header at the top of this blog.)

This post is for children aged four and over who scream.

 

Some parents have developed the following general strategies:

  • A place for screaming:  Some families feel a screaming voice is an outside voice, and therefore screaming belongs outside on the grass. 
  • Making sure their children get their energy out in a physical way every day – please do remember that three to  four  hours outside is probably about right.  
  • They model respectful behavior for their children.
  • They work hard to make sure their children are not tired, hungry, over-stimulated. 
  • They make sure  they are spending time with their child and filling up the child’s tank in that child’s love language.
  • They work with their child’s temperament if that child is aged seven or older. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To me, there are several types of screaming during the ages of four plus  years: 

1.  Screaming during a complete melt-down.  If you need help in handling temper tantrums, please see this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/

2.  Screaming whilst you are talking to another adult in person or on the phone because the child really wants attention. 

Many times, we ask children to please not interrupt us.  However, when they do, we answer their request or respond to the request!  Sometimes this is necessary in cases of utmost urgency, but if your child is interrupting you with an issue that really can wait until you are done with your conversation, then you can politely request that they wait.  Tell that you will be with them in just a moment. 

Importantly, one can think about how and when to have adult conversations.  I think adult conversation is important for mothers in order to garner support for themselves, and I encourage all mothers to take time to meet with other mothers by themselves.  Play dates are often difficult to have adult conversation with four and five and six year olds as they may still need assistance with play dynamics. 

With children of all ages, you can make up little stories about animals who interrupt and what happens.  This is a nice sideways kind of way to address interrupting. 

Children that are older than 4 or 5 often love to be in the vicinity of adult conversations/phone conversations so they can listen in and hear what their parents are saying.  Many parents will schedule returning phone calls at night after their child goes to bed. 

3.  Screaming/whining which is really complaining. In this case, we model using our calm voice and we do not grant requests until a normal voice can be used.   Do not respond to a whining, screaming voice!  Explain to your child that you can help them when they use their normal voice.  If they continue to whine and scream, you may need to calmly repeat this phrase more than once (and yes, this is the hard part). 

Sometimes children are not aware that their voice even sounds screamy or whiny, so you can  model in your calm voice how you would like to be spoken to.  And please do consider instead of “Stop screaming!” to tell your child what you DO want in a nice, calm voice.  “Please use a quiet voice in the house.  Quiet as a mouse.” 

I would love to hear your particular challenges around screaming or whining children; let’s talk about this as a circle of supportive mothers!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Eurythmy In The Waldorf Home

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(I originally wrote this piece for Donni over at The Magic Onions.  Donni does a great job covering different facets of the world of Waldorf.  Please do go check out her blog here: http://themagiconions.blogspot.com/)

Eurythmy was invented by Dr. Rudolf Steiner and his wife Dr. Marie Steiner-von Sivers in 1912.   It has often been called “visible speech” or “visible song”, and is not only a performing art, but also part of the educational curriculum  within the Waldorf School setting.  This is unique to Waldorf Education and eurythmy is often viewed as the pinnacle of the artistic component of Waldorf Education. 

Eurythmy essentially integrates all the subjects taught within the Waldorf curriculum in a whole-body movement. The “Guidelines for Eurythmy in the Waldorf School”  as put forth by The Eurythmy Association of North American and adopted by best practices by AWNSA and the Pedagogical Section of the School of Spiritual Science has  this to say about the place of eurythmy within the curriculum:  “The special skills children develop in eurythmy include bodily and spatial orientation, a sense for rhythm and measure, teamwork and social awareness, bringing poise, self-confidence, and the ability to think for oneself. The movements of eurythmy are filled with meaning which is of the same nature as language itself. The eurythmy curriculum offers exercises to provide a deeply somatic, kinesthetic understanding of all the subjects in school, including, for instance, math, geometry, botany, physics, chemistry, history, color, optics, poetry, and music. The wisdom of eurythmy supports the totality of Waldorf education. “It is the supreme example of a principle in all Steiner education that movement comes first. For it is the activity of the limbs which awakens and vitalizes the experience of the head.”

A eurythmist typically graduates from a four-year  to five-year  program.  The curriculum typically involves attending eurythmy classes once a week from Kindergarten through Grade Three, and then from Grade Four through Twelve attending twice a week.   Certain eurythmy exercises correspond to certain stages of development, and the eurythmist works with the Class Teacher to support the subjects being taught.   I have heard Eurythmy referred to as “soul gymnastics” because the whole life of the soul can be moved through these exercises the way a gymnast moves the physical body through exercises. 

Many Waldorf homeschoolers want to try to bring this art to their homeschool.  I feel this could quickly become the children just imitating some of the physical gestures (if you even know those!) and not really getting the essential part that makes up eurythmy – the etheric gesture.  Furthermore, the gestures of speech should certainly be brought by a trained eurythmist. 

So what is a Waldorf homeschooler to do?

I would implore you to look for purposeful and precise movement that goes with verses and rhymes and songs.  Look for what movement and gesture you and your child could experience with oral recitation and poetry in the grades.

There are many resources for movement and gesture in the Waldorf homeschooling arena.   Two resources listed specifically for eurythmy come to mind. These  include “Eurythmy For The Young Child” by Estelle Breyer (for the Early Years, some things are suitable for Grade One) and the “Come Unto These Yellow Sands” by Molly van Heider. (covers preschool through Grades Nine to Twelve).    Neither of these resources will show you what gestures to bring for things such as letters, but will give you suggestions for what letters or  purposeful movements go with the songs and stories and verses in the books.  If you would like to see what eurythmy in a classroom would look like, I suggest you try the 2006 DVD of David-Michael Monarch entitled “The Waldorf Curriculum Through Eurythmy” from the Whole Parent, Whole Child conference and available through Rahima Baldwin Dancy’s website. “Joyful Movement” by Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschooling Resources is  not a eurythmy resource per say, but certainly has many ideas for movement in the home environment and is very practical and accessible to the Waldorf homeschooler. 

But best of all, experiment with your own heartfelt gestures for stories and verses.  Try to bring out the exaggerated physical movement of the  characters and archetypes in the stories you tell to your own children.  Work on incorporating singing and clapping games into your homeschool. Work with skipping, stamping, tip-toe walking, walking on heels and the polarities found between quiet and loud and small and big gestures. 

Your homeschool can have as much beauty in movement as you can offer;  from the small points of beauty in your own rhythm to the sounds of careful recitation to precise movement and gestures to beautiful music to warmth.  These things build the etheric body for the future health of our children.  

Many blessings,

Carrie

Do You Ever Worry Your Homeschool Teaching Is Not Enough?

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It is that time of year when families are gearing up for homeschooling, and many times there is anxiety that goes along with that first year.  One thing that repeatedly comes up is this notion:  Will it be enough?  How do I know that I am doing enough in homeschooling?  Essentially, am I preparing my child enough for life, for adulthood, to be a productive and happy grown-up?  Or will I fail and take my children down with me?

I was talking today to a dear friend of mine about homeschooling and about Waldorf.  I think as Waldorf homeschoolers we are very lucky indeed because there is such an overarching philosophy where the curriculum is intricately tied into childhood development.  These stages of childhood development are so pronounced that I have had homeschooling friends and friends with children in public and private school remark upon it.  “Six and seven were so hard, Susie didn’t want anyone to be the boss of her.”  “Nine was when my child really woke up and started noticing how different they were from family members and friends.”  “It was so hard to teach my five year old to read.  It just seemed like they couldn’t remember anything.”  If you know anything about Waldorf, these statements will make you smile a bit.  We can take comfort as Waldorf homeschoolers that this layout of what comes when and why really provides such a solid foundation for life.

This is what I wish I could impart to inexperienced homeschooling mothers when they have this worry:  you will worry less if you know where you are headed in a big picture kind of sense. I think one thing I would encourage new homeschoolers to look at is the difference between curriculum and philosophy. Philosophy, in a sense, is how one looks at how one thinks education should be.  This may even include the sort of “what comes when”
but hopefully more than that it will help you sort out the “WHY something comes when” and the “HOW” of what that something looks like, and how the approach you use will change over the grades, and will match how you view children, development, etc. Curriculum may be what you use to fill in pieces of the philosophy. However, I encourage you to look at curriculum in a broader sense than just little bits and pieces of paper.  Waldorf Education certainly does this, but with any homeschooling method there are wonderful things about the home environment and life that go far beyond what is contained on paper that can be used to support any philosophy that you choose.  So new homeschoolers talk a lot about   “curriculum”, but I think
philosophy is a big thing that helps in sorting through all the products out
there.

( And as a complete side note, I do think one other thing to consider is if the philosophy you choose to answer your “enough” question has implications for how you live your life at all. For example, many Unschoolers bring Unschooling philosophy into their daily lives, and so do many Waldorf and Montessori homeschoolers. In all types of homeschooling, the entire family, home, trips, etc can easily revolve around what the family is learning about.  In homeschooling, the needs of the family are first and foremost.  The relationship between you and your children is first and foremost). 

There are several other ways to look at this worry as well.  If we compare our homeschooling experience to a traditional experience, the school  teacher there has an assessment process for each student and goals for skills of the students (as homeschoolers you can also look up the standards for each state on-line), an idea of possible content for each grade from state standards, and then they make up lesson plans and decide how to best bring these concepts to the children. The teacher will decide how much time is going to be spent where, and  this will be adjusted according to the needs of the class.
Homeschooling is different than traditional school, but it is easy to see in the
above scenario that a classroom teacher must pick and choose just the way a
homeschooling family chooses what is worked with, how deeply, and in what way.  In the homeschooling family, there are many ways to work with your child’s interests and to figure out how far to go off on rabbit trails.

Finally, a last consideration to help you answer the “how much is enough” question  may be to see what support there is for your homeschooling from mothers who are homeschooling older children the same way . I think it
can be very difficult to get the big picture of what you are doing if you are
only hanging around with mothers who are doing preschool or kindergarten. If
you can see where some of the mothers with older children are headed and what that looks like, it helps you make better decisions and choices for the
preschool and kindergarten levels. Some of this can be found on-line, such as
through Yahoo Groups specific to a philosophy of homeschooling; some can be
specific to XYZ math program or for users of ABC reading program.  Even better yet, finding in-person support is vital. Check out what homeschool groups are in your area and how you can connect with other mothers.  If you are a Waldorf homeschooler, you are still a homeschooler and it is also very important to keep abreast of your State’s laws as pertaining to homeschooling –you are part of a larger homeschooling community when you choose to homeschool.

If you are interested in why we chose Waldorf homeschooling, please see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/06/wonderful-waldorf/

If you are interested in my thoughts as to Waldorf School versus Waldorf homeschooling, please see here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/30/waldorf-homeschooling-versus-waldorf-school/

Set your worries to rest.  Just as you are enough as a mother, just as you are the perfect mother for your child even if the journey has its bumps, you will provide a homeschooling experience that is just right.  You can do this.  Pray, meditate, open your mind and your heart and really look at your children.  The answer will come along with a quiet confidence that this is the right way for your family.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”: Chapter One

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Well, here we are with a new book study!  Always exciting!

Chapter One of this book is entitled, “Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers”.    The authors lay the groundwork for this chapter in the opening scenario and write, “Children are not quite the same as we remember being.  They are less likely to take their cues from adults, less afraid of getting into trouble.  They also seem less innocent and naive – lacking, it seems, the wide-eyed wonder that leads a child to have excitement for the world, for exploring the wonders of nature or of human creativity.  Many children seem inappropriately sophisticated, even jaded in some ways, pseudo-mature before their time.  They appear to be easily bored when away from each other or when not engaged with technology.”

And what I love about this book is that it  addresses not just the way children are, but they way they can be if we change our parenting assumptions and ways, and how we really can “hold on to our kids.”  We will get into this in further chapters.  I really and truly believe that attachment parenting and Waldorf Education hold good opportunities for helping children be at the right developmental phase for their age (this seems to be something as an American society that we are losing – what happens at what age, what is appropriate to expect for each age, how do we work with children in a holistic way in order to have them grow up and be health adults?)

The authors go on to discuss how parenting today does not seem natural for many parents and how this is so ironic considering “That we have more access to courses and books on childrearing than any previous generation of parents.”

Drs. Neufeld and Mate then go on to lay the groundwork for the importance of attachment and connection in guiding a child. “For a child to be open to being parenting by an adult, he must be actively attaching  to that adult, be wanting contact and closeness with him.” They discuss the movement from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy to psychological intimacy and how our changed culture makes this more difficult than ever.  “Children are increasingly  forming attachments with that compete with their parents, with the result that proper context for parenting is less and less available to us.”  This is taking the form of attachment to peers over family.  This orientation changed around the time of World War II (I wrote about some of the other consequences of how childhood has changed since World War II here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/30/rite-of-passage-parenting-four-essential-experiences-to-equip-your-kids-for-life-heading-up-to-the-nine-year-change-and-beyond/ )  The authors argue that instead of vertical transmission of culture (from older adults to the young), culture is being transmitted horizontally within the generation from peer to peer.  The increased rates of teen suicide is correlated to the increase of peer orientation in our society.

The hopeful part of this is that our children really do want to be part of their own family, and that we can always work to strengthen the bonds of family and our attachment to our children.

I have seen in my work with literally thousands of different families from all cultures as a pediatric physical therapist, as a breastfeeding counselor, as an IBCLC, as someone involved in Waldorf homeschooling circles and such, that healing is possible.  This, to me,  is the ultimate outcome of attachment parenting, especially when combined with Waldorf Education, and what I share so much of on this blog.

But of course, it is easier to not have to work so hard in the years over the age of nine and to lay groundwork for this from the beginning the best we know how with the tools we have at the time.  Parenting is a journey and there really is no perfection, only striving.  As mothers, we all make many mistakes. Some are bigger than others.  But it is never too late to change or to start anew and afresh.  Instead of guilt taking over where you are, let your forward momentum and your plan and vision for your family carry you.

Those of you who are reading along, what did you think of this first chapter?  I would love to know your opinions!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Time-in, Time-out

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(I had a lovely mother email me about time-in versus time-out and she bore the brunt of listening to some off-the-top-of-my-head musings, so I just wanted to thank her for inspiring this post…Hopefully this post is my coherent than my initial ramblings…)

Time-in is still getting a lot of press around parenting circles in the United States this summer.  To me, the traditional version of “time-out” complete with naughty chair and one minute for every year of the child’s age is the equivalent of emotional spanking.  You can read what I have written about time-out here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/  and here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/23/discipline-without-distress-chapter-four/  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/why-should-i-consider-time-in-instead/ 

I also have just a common-sense kind of beef with time-out:  if your child is that calm that they can go and sit in a chair to “think”, then they probably could have been addressed with other methods of positive discipline to guide them.  I am all for helping to  guide children.  Try some different ideas than time-out here in this post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/06/23/gentle-parenting-and-boundaries/

The opposite end of this spectrum is that when children are not calm and they are falling apart, this is not a teachable moment.  If you need a time-out as a parent, I am all for that.  However, for the child end of this equation, if your child is so upset and they are melting, how is sending them with their overwhelming feelings to sit in a chair going to help them make the most of this opportunity to learn? Please look at that “More About Time-In For Tinies” post listed above for some tips on handling meltdowns!

I also find that Americans and the Brits are really the only groups where time-out seems to come up at all.  So I think there is a strong cultural component that is influencing the use of time-in in parenting in this country. 

That being said, some people are saying some things about time-out that I wanted to bring out.  In the book “Attached At The Heart”, Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, founders of Attachment Parenting International, argue that “time –out” should be re-defined:  “We would like to take back this term, remembering its original intention:  stopping the activity, taking a break, and coming back with renewed perspective.  Keeping this in mind helps parents work on their relationship with their child, rather than focusing on the child’s behavior, and make efforts that strengthen the parent-child connection.”

Some people have argued that time-in is not much of a deterrent toward changing behavior.  What time-in gives a child is the chance to connect.  Time-in is not a punitive strategy;  it is a strategy toward making a teachable moment happen and calming everyone down.  Lawrence Cohen, PhD and author of “Playful Parenting”, has a whole section in this book entitled, “ Choose A “Meeting On the Couch”  Over a “Time-Out” (page 234).  I would encourage everyone to read this book, and this section in particular as he talks about time-outs were supposed to be a humane alternative to hitting children and have now ended up as the ultimate tool of positive discipline but that time-outs “enforce isolation on children who are probably already feeling isolated and disconnected.”  He goes on to talk about how one COULD use time-out in a better way:   1.  By inserting yourself into a child’s play when things are ramping up and play with the child(ren) (to me, this is like the way I say “Hold The Space”  This may work well for sibling fighting!  You could say “Time-out!  I am going to play with you all now too!”  2.  Providing a time-out for YOURSELF (which I am all for!) or 3.  Giving children a cozy place they can go to and calm down in when they choose to go there, for however long they choose to stay there (I find this can work for children coming up on 9, but that many small children just do not understand the concept of being by themselves to calm down; they need your help!)

He also talks about how punishment gets a child’s attention, but how our goal should be to get a child’s attention  in order to connect with that child, not to scare them, not to show them “who is boss”.  To me, every single thing you do and say and construct within the rhythm and environment of your home should be modeling how a calm and compassionate adult functions and lives; not punishment!  My nine-year-old said to me tonight, “Mommy, how did grown-ups get to be so smart about everything?”  She is surrounded by smart, confident, wonderful and caring adults in our neighborhood, our church, through our friends.  These are authentic, real people, not people who pretend to like children and grit their teeth and smile.  She is impressed with these people, and so am I!  She doesn’t need punishment to get attention or to figure out that adults know things; she sees this modeled each and every day!  Keep your eye on your ultimate vision for your children as laid out in your Family Mission Statement and the gentle tools that are appropriate for your child’s age in order to guide them!  If you need help understanding your child’s development stage by age, please do see the posts on the one-year-old, the two-year-old, the three-year-old, etc, all the way through age nine on this blog, and go back to those posts on the Family Mission Statement if you need help there. 

I like this quote from Lawrence Cohen’s book (please do see his website here:  http://playfulparenting.com/index.html – there is now an AUDIO version of his book out, for that I am excited!  I have the book, but I could envision listening to the audio version in my car, etc.)…  He writes, “We are often reluctant to give out love to people who have been bad, even when it’s what they need.  I have always liked the poem by Edwin Markham, which A.S. Neill quotes in the beginning of his book Freedom—Not Licensel:

He drew a circle that shut me out –

Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout,

But Love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a circle that took him in!”

Still not convinced?  I am all for boundaries!  You can still be gentle and have boundaries.  You can still love your child and keep boundaries.  In fact, I think if you truly love your child, there MUST be boundaries.    But I am also all for understanding a child’s developmental stage and working with that in a positive way.  As Barbara Coloroso, author of “Kids Are Worth It!  Giving the Gift of Inner Discipline” says regarding discipline:  Leave your child’s dignity intact. 

Help your children by guiding them with LOVE.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Pit of Despair

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Does anyone else out there like the movie “The Princess Bride”?  Remember when our hero ends up in “The Pit of Despair”?  Here is a You Tube clip to jog your memory or to just make you laugh:

 

Have you been living in your own Personal Pit of Despair?  Whether your own Pit of Despair is due to your cluttered, messy home; your angry parenting style; your difficulty setting boundaries with loved ones – oh my, it can feel like a pit that you fell into and just can’t get back out!

I just wanted to send you a little encouragement for this time of year.  So many mothers I have been speaking with locally and in- person are stressed out, anxious and worried as they feel they should be further along in their homeschool planning or further along in cleaning up their house and school room for the beginning of the school year (or both!)

You can do this! Make a list of what needs to be done, and please do ask for help with your children so you can make this happen in time for your school year to start.   Plot out what you will do when on a calendar and make it happen.  You and your family deserves to have fun together, and to have a wonderful school year.

Many blessings,

Carrie