Those of you out there who are prayer warriors, please add my two friends to your list:
Kyrie over at Are So Happy: http://aresohappy.squarespace.com/
and Annette over at Seasons of Joy: http://ourseasonsofjoy.com/general/birth-story-of-matthew-of-molly/
Thank you and many blessings to you,
Carrie
“What keeps parents in the game is attachment. Commitment and values can go a long way but if it was only that, parenting would be sheer work. If it wasn’t for attachment, many parents would not be able to stomach the changing of diapers, forgive the interrupted sleep, put up with the noise and the crying, carry out all the tasks that go unappreciated.”
The authors use this chapter to point out that attachment supports parenting in seven ways:
1. It arranges the parent/child hierarchically – the child is dependent on the parent; children look up to their parents, they turn to their parents for answers, they defer to them.
2. It makes parents more tolerant of behavior –“When our children express by actions or words a desire to attach to us, it makes them sweeter and easier to take.”
3. It causes the child to pay attention to us. “The stronger the attachment is, the easier it is to secure the child’s attention.”
4. It keeps the child close to the parent. “If all goes well, the drive for physical proximity with the parent gradually evolves into a need for emotional connection and contact.”
5. It makes the parents a model. “It is attachment that makes a child want to be like another person, to take on another’s characteristics.”
6. It causes the parent to be the “primary cue-giver.” “Until a child becomes capable of self-direction and of following cues from within, he or she needs someone to show the way.”
7. It makes the child want to be good for the parent.
With each of these ways that attachment can support parenting, the authors go through and show how these attachments work when a child attaches to peers instead of parents, what that looks like, and what that means for the parent-child relationship.
One interesting quote that may interest many of you, especially those of you with smaller and grades-age children, was this one: “Children do not internalize values- make them their own-until adolescence.”
I think this quote shows us, and encourages us to keep in the game of parenting past the age when children are “little.” When I repeatedly say on this blog that children in that second seven-year cycle are still “little”, I mean it. Seven, eight and nine year olds still need protection. Ten through thirteen year olds still need the support of parents to guide them.
The authors end the chapter with a final thought regarding a child’s desire to be “good” for a parent and this is that the parent must be trustworthy. A parent cannot abuse this desire that the child has to work with the parent. They also caution against using rewards and punishments: “External motivators for behavior such as rewards and punishments may destroy the precious internal motivation to be good, making leverage by artificial means necessary by default.”
Another interesting chapter; what did you all think about it?
Many blessings,
Carrie
Santa Lucia Day is coming on December 13th. Little by little, I personally gather more and more information and put more details into this festival each year for my own family.
Santa Lucia Day celebrates the life of Saint Lucy and light for the longest night of the year (under the old Gregorian calendar this was the Winter Solstice). This day usually begins before dawn, with the oldest girl in the family rising to make St. Lucia buns (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lussekatt) and to bring these to her parents. She typically wears white, sometimes with a red sash and a wreath of candles on her head. Other girls in the family are dressed in white as attendants and the boys are dressed as “star boys” with pointy star hats. I believe in many Scandinavian countries this day begins the Christmas season.
If you are not familiar with this festival, you can peek at my post from last year regarding Santa Lucia Day and read the story of this special day: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/07/santa-lucia-day-in-the-waldorf-home/
Not every Waldorf School celebrates this festival, but some do. Here is a link to one school’s description of how they celebrate this festival: festival life at Emerson Waldorf School
Here are some ideas for celebrating:
Here is an idea for making a felt Santa Lucia wreath with candles for your daughters: http://teachinghandwork.blogspot.com/2009/11/santa-lucia.html (boys typically have a Star Boy hat)
This is handwork for something beautiful for your home:
https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/09/beautiful-santa-lucia-handwork/
Here is another beautiful craft tutorial for this day: http://www.gingerbreadsnowflakes.com/node/28?page=1
Here are some images of especially cute Santa Lucia clothespin dolls: http://www.flickr.com/groups/santaluciaclothespindolls/pool/with/3104786151/
Here is a special song to learn to sing: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/11/just-in-time-for-santa-lucia-day-a-song/
My post from last year has a recipe for the traditional buns: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/07/santa-lucia-day-in-the-waldorf-home/
Happy Celebrating!
Carrie
Last year, I did a whole series on the inner work of parenting and personal development during Advent.
Here is a round-up of these posts:
Boundaries: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/02/cultivating-boundaries-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Rhythm: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/18/cultivating-a-rhythm-for-your-personal-care-the-inner-work-of-advent/ and here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/01/cultivating-rhythm-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Increasing the Energy in Your Home: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/16/cultivating-the-energy-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Cultivating the Quiet in Your Home: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/15/cultivating-the-quiet-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Cultivating an Early Bedtime for Yourself: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/12/cultivating-the-early-bedtime-for-yourself-the-inner-work-of-advent/
“No Comment”: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/11/cultivating-no-comment-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Fun as a Family: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/09/cultivating-the-fun-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Staying Home: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/06/cultivating-the-ability-to-stay-home-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Gratitude: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/29/cultivating-gratitude-the-inner-work-of-advent/
These might be nice to print out and use during your meditation time during the Twelve Holy Nights.
Many blessings,
Carrie
Christine Natale is well-known to many of you from her wonderful blog “Straw Into Gold”, found here: http://threefoldwaldorf.blogspot.com/ or perhaps you know Christine’s wonderful stories. She has a new book out on Lulu entitled “Fairy Tales” that you can find here: http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/fairy-tales/12093029?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1.
Christine was kind enough to share with me an article she wrote about “Playing Saint Nicholas”; I thought it was a wonderful way to jump start your own ideas about creating new and meaningful holiday traditions that may be very, very different than what you have done in the past.
Without further ado, here are her wise words about her experience and a special link to her stories at St. Nicholas Center!
Thank you to Christine Natale for being so willing to share with my readers! Happy St. Nicholas Day!
How to Play Saint Nicholas
A long time ago (late 70’s) when I was in my Foundation Year in New York, my first husband and I decided we wanted to “do” Christmas in a different way. We had both been raised with the “million presents” under the Christmas tree 1950s/ 60s/ 70s mentality and we knew we didn’t want that anymore.
We came up with our own way and continued it through our ten years together. We didn’t have any children, so we did it for each other, but we always thought it would be very much fun in a bigger family.
The first part is to “play Saint Nicholas” by baking loaves of Nicholas bread (any kind of bread you like – we put candied fruit and nuts in a yeast bread with an icing cross on top). Then we gift wrapped them and attached a card that just said “From Saint Nicholas”. Then we (yes, we really did this!) went out at night on Saint Nicholas Eve (December 5), hung them on people’s doors, rang the doorbell and ran! We never saw any reaction or heard about it at all later, but it was so much fun and adrenaline- pumping just to do! You could, of course give cookies or anything you want to. It was actually more fun than Trick-or-Treating! Many years later, I filled large gift bags with grocery goodies and left them on the doorsteps of some elderly friends. They suspected me, but I wouldn’t confess.
The next part was about our gifts to each other. We put up our tree on Christmas Eve and made a creche scene for under it. That was all – no presents. It was unbelievably hard to see it that way on Christmas morning after our lifelong conditioning, even though we knew what we were going to do!
For the next twelve days, the Twelve Holy Nights, Saint Nicholas left gifts for us!! Really! We never knew where they would pop up or when. One night, we went out to the movies and when we came home, there was a big easel in the living room for me. I never did find out how it got there! All the gifts had tags that said “From Saint Nicholas” and we hotly denied having given them to each other!
The idea, which would work especially well with children, I think, is that no one would really know who gave them the gift! But the person giving it would know, which would make it more fun in some ways for the giver than the receiver. Then, at dinner on Epiphany (Twelfth Night) everyone would have to guess who really gave their gifts and the real “St. Nicholas” would have to confess.
As I said, having grown up with “hoards” under the tree, it was really kind of awful the first year. But it got to be so much fun that we never looked back after that. Presents appeared in the refrigerator, under pillows, in the car, anywhere!
I have had many experiences, first with my own family of origin and then later as a nanny, where the children plow through the pile of presents and then burst into tears when there aren’t any more! It’s an overload and each gift doesn’t mean very much, really. Spreading it out over the Holy Nights makes Christmas last – it’s not all build up and bust. The gifts don’t need to be flashy and expensive (as you already know) and everyone doesn’t get one every day. Again, helping the children make things for each other and the other spouse and figuring out where and when to hide them keeps the momentum going.
One year, I was staying with a family in the Seattle area. I was trying to help a small school starting there and ended up meeting and living with a family of musicians with 4 (then 5) children. It happened that the night of St. Nicholas Eve, Pam and Philip had gone into Seattle to do a concert and I was taking care of the boys. Geoffrey was 8 or 9, Brenin was 6 or 7 and the twins, Morgan and Marshall were 5. Pam and Philip were and are very special and spiritual people. Pam called me and we realized that we hadn’t prepared anything. I really didn’t have anything except a loaf of cranberry nut bread I had baked and some shiny quarters. Well, I sliced and wrapped up the bread (the boys hadn’t seen me baking it) and put a slice and a quarter in their shoes. Luckily, I always travel with glitter and I sprinkled it from their shoes around the house and out the door into the forest (they live in a rural area). We also had a bunch of carrots with the leaves on and I left them for the donkey (partially eaten). Then, I wrote a scroll, with the messages for each person from Saint Nicholas, tied it with a red ribbon and left it with the shoes. Pam and Philip got in during the wee hours and the boys woke them up shortly after, full of the magic and wonder. It SO doesn’t matter how big or small the gift – it really is the magic that is important.
About Santa Claus – when I introduce Saint Nicholas I explain that he lived in the “Old World” called Europe, far across the ocean. When people moved to the “New World” on this side, Saint Nicholas needed a helper. So he asked Santa Claus to come to the children in America. After a while, people in the “New World” forgot about Saint Nicholas and about asking him to come. But Saint Nicholas is very magical and will come if the children and their parents ask him to. Sometimes, if Saint Nicholas has come to a family, Santa Claus doesn’t need to and he just sends his Christmas blessings as he carries on to visit the children who don’t remember about Saint Nicholas. The children always seemed pretty satisfied with this explanation.
In the Waldorf Kindergarten, I would send home a note asking the parents to send a pair of their children’s best shoes. We set up our circle of chairs before we left with our shoes on them. When we came back the next day, there was a golden nut, an orange, a cookie or small candy cane and a tiny present. I remember one year it was a little wooden top. And if Saint Nicholas couldn’t visit us in person, there was always a scroll tied with red ribbon for teacher to read what he had to tell each child.
I created a series of stories to use in the Kindergarten in the days leading up to Saint Nicholas Day on December 6. I couldn’t find stories to explain many of the European traditions such as the shoes, golden nut, etc., so I looked into my heart and came up with “fairy tale truth” which may not be worldly fact, but true in its meaning. These have been posted on the Saint Nicholas Center website for many years.
Saint Nicholas Stories
http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=437
The picture on the Saint Nicholas website with the story number five is Saint Nicholas and Knecht Rupert visiting our Kindergarten in Seattle. Saint Nicholas brought a big golden book and had something written there for each of us, including me!
Thank you, Christine, for sharing your wisdom and experience here with us today.
Happy St. Nicholas Day and many blessings,
Carrie
Many of you have written in and wanted to know how to start to be the authentic leader in your own home.
You have authority because you are the parent! Whether or not you choose to recognize the fact that you are the authority in their own home or exercise BEING the authority is up to you. All you have to do is claim it and own it, that you can do this in a kind way. Again, do not confuse “dominating and misuse of power” and otherwise being mean and nasty with authority. You can be kind and loving and still set boundaries in your family. When you are being an parent who is an authentic leader, you will be guiding your child toward right action. This is love in parenting! Help your child learn and grow!
However, in order to have your child do the right thing you have to know what the boundaries are in your family. What are the VALUES of your family, what kind of person do you want your child to be when they grow up and how will the boundaries you set now guide them toward that? Love them enough to grow up to function in society as a moral human being.
This requires THINKING and TALKING to your partner. Get on the same page, or at least agree to follow sometimes and lead sometimes. Compromise on areas where you disagree. Get a community behind you. I am a proponent of having a spiritual community, or a parenting community, or some kind of community, so your child sees these moral messages everywhere, not just at home!
Here are some other “helps” for re-claiming authority:
1. One is to believe in yourself that you can have boundaries that make your family function in a healthier way, a way that meets the needs of everyone in the family, and that boundaries are okay and you are not being “a dictator.” Rules are okay and it is not a dirty idea to have a healthy, happy family. 
Have confidence in yourself and the decisions you make on behalf of your family.
2. Forgive yourself! Some mothers really feel badly that they have not handled guiding their children differently. Here are two back post to help you out: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/27/forgiving-ourselves/ and the wildly popular post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/15/my-kids-deserve-a-different-mother/
3. Again, figure out what your family values; this will help you determine what boundaries are important to you. Sometimes creating a Family Mission Statement can be a big help. Your own inner work is essential. Here is a Christopherus blog post about this: http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2005/12/discipline_ques.html
The main way we use our authority is by modeling RIGHT ACTION. What are you modeling based upon the values of your family?
4. Figure out where your children are; sit and think about them and meditate and pray about them at night. There are so many posts on here about each age from birth through age nine and what typically happens developmentally at these stages. These posts should give you a “heads-up” as to what typically challenges parents at these ages. Just because something is developmentally normal does not mean it does not have to be guided, however!
5. Love your children and make a list. What are the things that are challenging you right now about the behavior of your children? Can you pinpoint a cause that will prevent this behavior? Does this behavior need a boundary? What will you do when this behavior happens? How will you walk your children through it? What tools will you use that are right for the age of your children? How will you be consistent about this? How will the “consequence” of this behavior come out consistently?
I see from the messages in the comment box many of you are getting hung up with the idea of consequences. Try this back post for help: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/06/23/gentle-parenting-and-boundaries/ for help with what consequences look like by age….
By consequence, I don’t mean mean and nasty punitive punishment! I just mean fixing the problem, working together, and being a rock when it comes to right action. Spilled milk? The consequence is we clean it up together. Broke your sister’s toy? The consequence is we fix it or we use part of your allowance money to buy a new one. For all ages above about four and a half or five, restitution is the key! Here is a back post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/28/the-number-two-way-to-discipline-a-child/ “
This includes being okay with “ the community” I spoke of above also providing consequences when appropriate. If your older child doesn’t do their homework and gets a zero from their teacher, I would hope one would not go to the school and argue with the teacher. I personally am fine with the parents I know helping to provide guidance for my children. I welcome it because I have a community of people I trust, and I am grateful these men and women are there for my children as they grow to back up the ethics and moral character building blocks we are teaching at home.
But again, the age and developmental stage of your child matters! Do not use tools for a 12 year old with your three year old. Your three year old needs connection and needs you to help him or her meet the boundary that you have decided upon by regulating the environment, the rhythm of eating and sleep, the amount of physical activity, the amount of supervision you are providing. There are many, many posts on this blog about the Early Years and how to infuse your guidance with singing,verses, imagination, stories whilst STILL sticking to the BOUNDARY. These are not mutually exclusive things!!
This leads us to…..
6. Know your parenting tools. Connection and attachment are the first foundational keys! For the under-7 crowd you also have such things as prevention, imitation, working in pictorial imagery and movement, less words, less choices, rhythm, using your gentle hands to help move your child, singing and verses, outside time, distraction and having the child make restitution with you helping them. Restitution is really important: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/28/the-number-two-way-to-discipline-a-child/
Pictorial imagery is one that can be difficult for parents to put into practice. I have written about pictorial imagery before here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/01/talking-in-pictures-to-small-children/ and here is a lovely blog post from a mother who put this into practice with her children: http://flowingwithmyducklings.blogspot.com/2010/12/talking-pictorially.html
7. Commit yourself to 40 days of Being Queen Of Your Home. Cultivate that energy and attitude of a peaceful rock; here is a back post that may assist you: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/19/cultivating-how-to-hold-the-space-the-inner-work-of-advent/
Love your children, build that foundation of fun and love and trust, and be ready to be THE ROCK that weathers the storm!
Many blessings,
Carrie
The second week of Advent is upon us already! Here is the verse attributed to Rudolf Steiner that goes with the second week:
“The second light of Advent is the light of plants–
Plants that reach up to the sun and in the breezes dance.”
Here are a few fast ideas regarding the second week of Advent:
Many blessings for a lovely week,
Carrie
We have just had an interesting discussion about the differences between power, authority and respect. To see that discussion, see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/01/power-authority-and-respect-in-parenting/
Where do things go so wrong for parents? My original thought in the post above was that there are two kinds of parents who have problems with all this: harsh parents who have a hard time connecting with their children and who shove their children aside emotionally; and attachment parents who do wonderful with attachment and connection but not so great in setting boundaries for their children.
I have mentioned before what a big shift I see in attachment parenting as that first child approaches three and a half or four. Parenting really shifts at this point, or it should. I find some attachment parents make the leap well, and some don’t. If it doesn’t shift at this point with the first child, then you will have catch-up work to do later on, which I will talk about in tomorrow’s post.
What leap? I am so glad you asked! Here you go:
(Thank you to my friend Samantha Fogg for letting me use this picture).
This is moss growing on a big rock. Now, before you think I have lost my mind, let me explain!
This rock is steady; it is not sagging because it has moss on it. It is not crumbling because it has moss on it! It is steady. It is calm; the rain comes down on it, the snow, the wind – and there it sits calmly. It doesn’t get all upset when the weather is not nice.
The forces of nature do help mold it and wear on it over time, yes, but the original essence of the rock is there and untouched.
Good parenting is like this. We are like calm, immovable stones. Our children do shape us, but our essence remains the same because just like a rock cannot help being a rock, we cannot help but be a parent. Just as moss lives on a rock, we are creating and shaping life for our children.
Small children deserve dignity, respect, unconditional love, gentle hands and gentle voices. They also deserve the gift of boundaries. I find many parents are reluctant to place boundaries in their lives with their children, but then blow up at the child when the boundary should have been placed and kept the first of the twenty times the child does something. Why are you blowing up at your child when you failed to set the boundary and help the child stick to that boundary the first time?
One of my dear friends, a terrific mother of three boys, gave a parenting workshop several years ago that I attended. She related how one day she had her boys in the car and they were in line for the drive-through of a fast food restaurant. One of the boys spit on the floor of the car. The boys were all talking and did not notice her easing out of the line. In fact, they didn’t notice until she was almost home. They protested, “Hey! We were going to get some food!” Their mother replied, “I don’t buy food for boys who spit in my car.”
Well, when she told this story, this sweet little mother with an only child that looked to be about three or four, piped up and said, “Well, if they apologized and calmed down, would you turn around and bring them back to the drive-through?”
Uh, no.
As parents we absolutely have the right to give children second chances. Absolutely and yay for being human! But if you give second chances for everything, always couch things without a direct rule involved, make up for your child every time they do something that wasn’t morally good …well, then you are not being a rock!
One of most important things you can give your child is the gift of knowing THEIR ACTIONS MATTER. What they do counts. What they do has consequences. And if you do not let them experience this when they are with you and there to help guide them, the world is going to be far harsher in teaching this when they grow up. Even things that are developmentally normal still need guidance!
You and your child will have moments where neither of you are at your best. A loving, attached relationship is the basis of grace, humility and forgiveness. But, if the more negative moments of your relationship with your child is outweighing everything, or the negative moments are just so intense and color the world of the family, go back and look at boundaries:
What boundaries exist?
When I set a boundary how do I follow through?
Do I do this EVERY TIME?
What is the “consequence” of my child’s action? Does this happen every time?
Food for thought,
Carrie
So we are headed into Chapter Five of “Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Kids” by Neufeld and Mate, but I had such an interesting comment on Chapter Four that I thought it really deserved a post. It was regarding the relationship between power and authority and the difference between the two. Fascinating stuff, and it really got my brain cells ticking! Thank you so much kind reader!
This book is a good, thought-provoking read for all parents. It really is an ultimate attachment book, but because it is dealing with the battle of peers versus the family unit, it may be one that says things and rubs parents the wrong way until they have the experience of their children being a bit older. After all, it is hard sometimes to think of authority and boundaries and peers when you have a precious two-year-old who is still such a big part of you. However, it is very important information for parents of small children to have because the foundation for this attachment is laid within the early years, and also because if one has the idea that gentle discipline does involve boundaries, that this is coming, it is not such a shock when the need arises for the functioning of the family and for the functioning of the children in society. Those of you who have read this book and have smaller (under the grades) aged children, is this book bothering you or making you think or are you disagreeing with it all? Please leave a comment!
I have to say I think that most of the chapter four in this book is right in line with this blog and my thoughts on parenting. Please do let me explain how I look at it; you all know I usually have a different way to look at things than most people, LOL.
I think this goes back to the question of what is power in parenting? What is authority in parenting? And the unspoken question of what is respect in parenting?
I respectfully disagree that power is typically exercised for the benefit of the powerful. That is misguided and abused power at its best. Power, in the hands of a moral and ethical person, carries great responsibility. Power is not something we hold over our children’s heads, but is intertwined with the authority we carry. Webster’s Dictionary says that authority IS power, “ the POWER to influence or command thought, opinion or behavior”, (you can see this definition from one of the very first posts I ever wrote, updated here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/06/back-to-basics-the-framework-for-gentle-discipline/).
I don’t believe I can earn authority. Authority in a formal setting or a job is granted. Authority in parenting comes just because you ARE the PARENT. The child is always worthy of dignity, of respect, of love, but YOU are the parent. And just by being the parent you have the authority and the power to guide your child.
The problem I see is that many parents do not lay down a basis of connection and attachment to their child and then have this rather empty gesture of trying to use force and “power” in the worst term and way as they become completely frustrated with their child’s behavior. They try to “power over” their children, and create this giant battlefield against their child. (You can see my post about The Battlefield of The Mind here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/the-battlefield-of-the-mind-anger-and-parenting/ ) These parents don’t see the child as one who has a different level of consciousness than an adult but as someone who needs coercion to do what needs to be done and be “obedient”. So yes, the parental “power and authority”,(which shouldn’t be dirty words but words that make the child feel safe in his or her world), get demonstrated badly.
Or contrast this to the other type of parents I see: those who do a stellar job of attachment and connection, but who do not hold any authority or power in their own homes. Their little children know no boundaries, and what was developmentally immature behavior turns into behavior that is disrespectful and impolite to adults outside of the family and infringes upon the needs of parents and the family as a whole. I alluded in my last post to the difficulty some parents have in switching gears in their parenting life once their first child goes through the first show of true “will”. This developmental stage is only followed by other stages where the child begins to show changes as they come into their bodies and themselves at the six/seven transformation, the nine year change, the twelve year change, not to mention the other developmental stages along the way!
What is lacking in both of these cases is the parent using power and authority as AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP. One of my very first blog posts was this one regarding “Discipline As Authentic Leadership” : https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/. I just want to underscore that attachment and authority and providing boundaries and being consistent and yes, protection and bringing things in at the right time (which involves you stepping up and guiding your children according to your beliefs and values) are still hallmarks of good parenting.
Leadership uses authority and power in an authentic, loving, kind and constant way to guide the child. It cannot be earned, it is there because you are the parent! However, RESPECT can be earned and is important for the child to feel a sense of respect.
Constancy. Authentic Leadership. Knowing what your values are as a family and guiding your children with that. Understanding the differences between parenting a three-year-old and a ten-year-old. Having tools at your disposal.
Anyway, thank you dear reader for a great comment and a great thought-provoking chapter! Take what resonates with you and your family. You are the expert on your own family.
Many blessings,
Carrie
The book we are currently going through chapter by chapter is Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate’s “Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.”
We have done Chapters 1,2 and 3 so far if you need to catch up:
Chapter Three: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/09/25/hold-on-to-your-kids-chapter-two-2/
Chapter Two:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/09/26/more-about-chapter-two-of-hold-on-to-your-kids/ and here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/29/hold-on-to-your-kids-chapter-two/
Chapter One: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/04/hold-on-to-your-kids-chapter-one/
This chapter is really interesting,and I think a thought-provoking one for many parents today as it addresses the power and authority involved in parenting. The opening scenario is about a seven-year-old where the parents have very little control. The authors point out:
“Too often the children are blamed for being difficult or the parents for being inept or their parenting techniques for being inadequate. It is generally unrecognized by parents and professionals that the root of the problem is not parental ineptitude but parental impotence in the strictest meaning of that word: lacking sufficient power.
The absent quality is power, not love or knowledge or commitment or skill. Our predecessors had much more power than parents today. In getting children to heed, our grandparents wielded more power than our parents could exercise over us or we seem to have over our children. If the trend continues, our children will be in great difficulty when their turn comes at parenting. The power to parent is slipping away.”
The authors take GREAT PAINS to point out that power is not to be confused with FORCE or ABUSE but that is it simply the spontaneous authority to parent that comes from a connected relationship with the child. “The power to parent arises when things are in their natural order, and it arises without effort, without posturing, and without pushing. It is when we lack power that we are likely to resort to force. The more power a parent commands, the less force is required in day-to-day parenting. On the other hand, the less power we possess, the more impelled we are to raise our voices, harshen our demeanor, utter threats, and seek some leverage to make our children comply with our demands.”
As parents, the authors note, we need to do three things:
1. Command our children’s attention – Carrie’s note: I think this is directly related to so many parents revolving everything and anything around the child, and putting the child in an equal relationship with the parent as opposed to considering the needs of the whole family and that the parent-child relationship is one of dignity and respect but not equality as we hopefully do have more experience with which to guide and protect our children, especially our small children. Small children do not need to be privy to every adult conversation and happening!
2. Solicit their good intentions – Carrie’s note: we need to attribute positive intent to our children’s actions, even the more challenging behaviors, and most of all to be calm ourselves and help the child solve their problems and challenges. We must uplift our children and lead them forward.
3. To evoke their deference and secure cooperation – Carrie’s note: We must model what we want to see, we must work together as family and figure out what our vision for our family and our family’s values are. Without you and your partner getting very clear as to what is most important and demonstrating how the family can work together, the child will not know how. Reverence and respect and dignity are an important part of securing cooperation, but so is setting boundaries between the world of the child and the world of the adult. The move from your precious child being “part” of you – a nursing, co-sleeping symbiotic being attached in a sling to a three or four year old with a will and ideas of their own is often a hard shift for many first-time attached parents because there were very few boundaries erected in the beginning and now the boundaries need to be in place for the family to function. Not in a mean way, but in a logical way! Children have a need for you to lead and guide them. They need boundaries to push against that will not fall or crumple.
Most of all, these things can be done in LOVE if you have an attached, connected relationship with your child; the kind of relationship where your child is part of a larger structure of the family. The authors point out that the “power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs. We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns. We cannot emotionally support a child who is not leaning on us for his psychological needs. It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating to assist one who is not seeking our help.”
Dependency needs of children do not vanish – they only can shift from parents to someone else: a peer group. What looks like a shift to independence is actually just a shift in dependence. “Since humans have a lengthy period of dependence, attachments must be transferable from one person to another, from parents to relatives and neighbors and tribal or village elders. All of these, in turn, are meant to play their role in bringing the child to full maturity.” In other words, children are meant to be able to attach to other responsible adults, but in our society this has too often turned into children transferring their dependence into peers.
This brings up a question from me to all of you with children is what are you doing to foster a community of responsible adults that you can trust your children with? This is important, and becomes increasingly important as your children grow older. This is not about dependence of a child just on its mother, but on a responsible community. This, of course, does not negate that the strongest and most critical attachment is of a child to its family (not just to an attached mother).
One of the last points I would like to pull from this chapter is that the authors point out that parenting is not a set of skills to be learned and that we must as a society stop thinking of parenting in this way. “The reasoning behind parenting as a set of skills seemed logical enough, but in hindsight has been a dreadful mistake. It has led to an artificial reliance on experts, robbed parents of their natural confidence, and often leaves them feeling dumb and inadequate…..We miss the essential point that what matters is not the skill of the parents but the relationship of the child to the adult who is assuming responsibility.”
There is more in this chapter, but I will stop there. Those of you following along with the book, what did you think of this chapter?
Many blessings,
Carrie
The Parenting Passageway 