“My Kids Deserve A Different Mother”

Have you ever felt this way, that your children deserved either a better you or even a different mother?  A mother that could do a better job?  A mother that could be more patient, more kind, more loving,  more creative?

You are not alone if you have ever felt that way.  We ALL have bad days, we all have days where we feel as if parenting is challenging everything we have in us and we are failing and that we are not living up to the standards we are setting for ourselves.  I have only heard of one or two parents out of ALL the parents I ever spoken with NOT say something along these lines.

It can be difficult.  Sometimes we feel terrible when we are losing it and an older child is witness or we have a baby on our arm.  We would feel terrible enough just to cry or yell or fall apart by ourselves, let alone with witnesses!

Some of us are dealing with more chronic things than just the occasional fall-apart in front of our kids.  Some of us are dealing with death, divorce, spousal difficulties, depression, parenting alone or other things going on. 

The question is, what do we do?

We can try.  We set the tone in our home whether we set it unconsciously or consciously. Each day, each moment, we can try to set the tone in our home toward our ideal.  It is never too late to change, to try, to stop in the middle of a sentence and do something different.  It is never to late to take your child and love them. 

We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.  We are not perfect, we are human.  We all fall short at times.  We can be kind to ourselves and show our children how to have grace when we make a mistake. 

We can get help. We can ask for help from our family, our friends, our neighbors. We can get counseling, we can talk to the spiritual leaders who speak to our hearts, we can get support.  We can investigate if our physical health is impacting our minds, our patience.  Many medical professionals are available to help. 

We can take it easy.  Maybe this is the day we need to take off from school and go hiking.  Maybe this is the day we just need to go garden outside for most of the day. Maybe this is the day we just need to relax and recharge.

We can focus on bedtime and catch some precious moments to ourselves after the children go to sleep and use that to meditate, pray or engage in spiritual work.

We can do our best to go to sleep; I am convinced many of the challenges mothers are facing could be helped if mothers would go to bed and get some rest.  We so often feel we have to satisfy everyone’s needs but our own; our own sleep is paramount to do this!

Your children do not need a different mother, they need you.  They need a rested you, a calm you, but also a you that shows them how to recover from a mistake, a you that shows them we can still do things wrong and make it right, a you that is resilient in the face of life.

You can do this, your children picked you to be their mother and they picked your family to be a part of and participate and grow in.  Find the love and joy and laughter, it is there.



23 thoughts on ““My Kids Deserve A Different Mother”

  1. Thanks for this reminder, Carrie! The other day, after speaking to my son in a very rude way (in order to chastise him for speaking to ME in a very rude way), I was apologizing and told him that I was sorry I wasn’t a perfect mom, but that I was always trying to be a better mom. His response to me was, “But, Mom, you are the perfect mom FOR ME.”

    I do believe in our karmic destiny to be with these certain children, and their karmic destiny to be with us as parents. I try to remember that we will NEVER be able to live our lives as perfect humans, but that our daily attempts to do better are the true lessons we give to our children.

  2. Ohh Carrie- your words make my heart sing and tears well in my eyes. Your last 3 posts are all perfect. THankyou for the time and heart you put into your words because they are just the encouragement and affirmation I need and while I’m reading I’m nodding with heartfelt agreement. I’ll be coming back and rereading. Many blessings and much warmth to and yours!!!

  3. Thank you for this Carrie … I was just having one of these moments today and somehow I was drawn to catch up on your blog tonight. You must have been calling my name to jolt me out of the “why didn’t I learn all this before I had children” and “I’ve messed things up and can I turn them around before it’s too late” drama in my head 😉 Love and hugs for all you do.

  4. I found this site at the perfect time. Every night I go to sleep and pray to be a better mother the next day. Yet, the next day I fail again. I try so hard, I have 4 year old triplets, and what is worse, is that everyone says how great I am. This isn’t true. I go mad and yell and scream, I am terrible, and I hate it. I will take your advice, I will pick myself up, listen and learn. I know I am not perfect, I just want to be better.

    • Oh Jacinta, Big hugs to you, we have all felt the way you are feeling! And triplets probably can “triplet” that energy….I am sure people are in awe of you as you parent triplets. but it cannot be an easy journey. Have you read the two posts regarding four year old behavior? I think if you search under “Waldorf Kindergarten” in the tags box, those should come up. I am glad you have found this blog, and I hope it becomes a regular source of encouragement for you.

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  6. I needed to read this too, I am grateful =) for your wise words that spoke to me today. I am three year old twin boys who have more energy than me and tear the house apart …well not literally I seem to scream at them more than I speak normally to them some days.
    I’ve just been reading a few of your other posts and I want to be more calmer, confident and parent more effectively.

  7. I have so felt like you Jacinta. I have been suffering from PND for nearly 3 years now (and have just had my second baby). All the same anger that came up with me with my first (and still does), has started rearing its ugly head again with my second. I have genuinely felt that my older girl would be better off without me because I can’t stand all the stress and the shouting and the rage that pours out of me all too often. I KNOW this is my problem not hers but it affects her too and badly. I am reading all of the posts on anger at the moment and hoping that I can find a way to be the mother I so want to be.

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  9. Carrie,

    I am a mess! I am sitting here asking this question and crying because at this moment I HATE the mother I am!

    Thank you for this site!

    • Oh Dawn! I will email you now privately, okay? It is going to be okay, we all have been there and will be there again!

  10. Carrie, I found this after googling “my kids deserve a better Mom”. They really do. If I could just get it together I know they would be happier. I know they wouldn’t fight or treat me or each other poorly. I wish I had the energy to try harder. I could read a book or something. I just feel so empty. What little I do muster up to try gets shot down by my barely 3 year old. He is so stubborn and difficult. I have NO idea how to mother him. 😦 I wish I could snap my fingers and have a sweet loving Mom and wife take my place. One that can balance husband attention and kids and herself. One that is loving and patient more then not. Maybe I need to search for a replacement…… Someone has got to love my situation! I know I do! I just feel SO inadequate. Really, I have no idea what I am doing. Everyone thinks that I am a great Mother. I’ve got a messy home, and fighting siblings all day long. I know others do so much better at balancing this. All I know is my kids do deserve better.

    • Lindi,
      I think we have all been there. I think the first step is to making a rhythm so that the children have a balance of play and being outside (super important!), less or no screens until things shape up (seriously, it helps immensely), and then taking care of you!
      If you want to talk more specifics, please feel free to email me at admin@theparentingpassageway.com
      Blessings and hugs, it is going to get better,

  11. Carrie,
    I too found this after Googling “my children deserve a better mom”. I so desperately wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now, two years later, don’t know why God would have allowed it to happen. I just told my 5 year old how I have never been this angry and horrible of a person and how I am done being his and his brother’s mom. I am tapped out. It doesn’t matter how nice, firm, fun, or mean I am. NONE of it makes a difference. NOTHING I do changes how my children act. They still do whatever it is they want. I am done. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. I hate who I am.

    • Alli,
      I want to wrap you in my arms, give you a hug and bring you a cup of tea. You don’t say how old your children are other than 5, but it sounds to me like you need a BREAK! You need routine and structure, you need time to be alone, you need nourishing meals and some company. It will get better, and I can tell you so many mothers write me when they are at the end of the rope during those years 5-9 and say things ARE better the older the children got.
      Please do feel free to email me privately at admin@theparentingpassageway.com if you need some support or to be able to go into more details. You can pick yourself up and start again tomorrow. It is a new day, there are always new mercies and it will get better.

  12. I love this besides the they picked us no neither of us got a choice on that part. I don’t understand how that is even possible ? Kind of a turn off but other than good article and tips

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