Monthly Archives: January 2011

New To This Blog and Considering Waldorf Homeschooling For Kindergarten?

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There are many, many back posts about homeschooling Waldorf Kindergarten on this blog.

First of all, many families are just trying to decide about whether or not homeschooling is right for them period.  If that is the case, try this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/01/how-to-make-a-decision-about-homeschooling/.  Are you concerned about homeschooling an only child?  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/11/13/parenting-and-homeschooling-the-only-child/

Perhaps these back posts would also  assist you:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/09/more-about-social-experiences-for-the-four-year-old/  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/07/social-experiences-for-a-four-year-old/  

I think it is very important to get clear about what Waldorf Kindergarten really means.  Waldorf Kindergarten in the school setting used to start around age four and a half, and now the age has dropped to age 3 or even younger, with “Morning Garden” classes for toddlers to age 3 in many schools.  For more thoughts on this, try this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/30/waldorf-homeschooling-versus-waldorf-school/  Both Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschooling Resources and I have a strong dislike of where the Waldorf schools are headed in terms of taking younger and younger children out of the home.  Waldorf Kindergartens work to emulate a loving home, and this is something that we obviously can work on at home for far less cost and for far more personal development than perhaps would occur if our child was at Waldorf school.  Having your children with you 24/7 forces your own spiritual growth!  Ask any homeschooling mother!

I think in the home environment really we need to do “Waldorf Kindergarten” around the five-year-old year and the six-year-old year.  These are the ages for increased attention, increased ability to do artistic and creative work in a focused fashion.  It is just a thought; I know some will disagree.

Many families are attracted to the idea of homeschooling Waldorf Kindergarten because they like to spend time outside or they like all the natural toys.  There is a bit more to it than just those things.  Please read this article by Marsha Johnson, Waldorf Teacher, from this blog:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/15/the-waldorf-kindergarten/

What you may gather from the article by Marsha Johnson is that there is a progression in Waldorf Education, there is a sequence, and every single thing builds on each other.   There is nothing random in the curriculum at all.  It is all in there in due time when it is developmentally appropriate.   So, I think part of getting educated about Waldorf Kindergarten entails at least having an idea as to what first grade would be like.  There are posts about first grade on this blog for you to look at.  Here are some other places to learn more about Waldorf Education:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/28/i-am-new-to-waldorf-how-can-i-find-out-more/

Academic skills are introduced when the child is six and a half or seven in first grade.  I think one has to really get on the same page as one’s partner or spouse and discuss if together you are both really okay with a child not starting to read formally or do math formally.  The oral basis of language is being laid in the kindergarten in an extremely rich way, the body is being prepared in a rich way to promote academic success, foundations of math and science are being laid, but the formal sit down and write part comes later.  Are you okay with that?

Here are a few things to work on in the years before starting Waldorf Kindergarten in your home:

    • Work on your own ability to nurture and enfold your child into life.
    • Establish a rhythm for your child, your family, your life.  If you are still struggling with rhythm when you hit homeschooling for the grades, it will be difficult to focus on teaching.  Remember though, rhythm is not a schedule but a flow.
    • Establish health of your child through protection of the 12 senses, use of warmth, establishing rhythm.
    • Repetition!  It is what little people need!
    • Play, singing, interaction
    • Including your child in household chores
    • Outside and sensory experiences
    • Fostering the imagination through oral storytelling
    • And this famous post:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/09/a-mothers-job-in-the-waldorf-homeschool-kindergarten/

More nuts and bolts:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/13/summer-planning-waldorf-and-the-early-years/

 https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/22/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-five-year-old/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/23/the-six-year-old-waldorf-kindergarten-year-at-home/

Here are some other blog posts that may interest you as you consider this decision:

A review:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/13/a-review-kindergarten-with-your-three-to-six-year-old-by-donna-simmons/

Another review:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/17/favorite-waldorf-resource-1-joyful-movement/

More Early Years books:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/09/which-early-years-book-should-i-buy/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/10/resources-for-the-waldorf-kindergarten-years/

To Those Of You Contemplating Homeschooling

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This is the time of year when some families are deciding to just not send their children back to school after the Holiday Break and are getting started homeschooling.  Have hope!

I have heard from parents who have taken the child they had the most difficult relationship with and brought that child home (and many parents with this same situation in the past have told me this brought the most wonderful changes and a forging of a close, intimate and healthy parent-child relationship).   Have hope!

I have heard from parents who want to switch to Waldorf homeschooling from another method of homeschooling.  The number one complaint I hear is that the other methods are “so dry”.  Have hope!

I have heard from parents who want to switch to Waldorf homeschooling because they felt some of the methods they used in the past really pushed their early grades child and now at age 9 or 10 their child is completely burned out.  Have hope!

I have heard from parents who have not yet pulled their children out of school but really, really want to.  They have collected curriculum and just need to find the confidence to get started!  Have hope!

If any of the above scenarios represent YOU and your family today, I have good news for you!

This is the good news:  you CAN do this, you will be successful, it will be okay.  Your family relationship will be stronger.  You will grow as a mother and as a human being. You will discover your children are lovely to be around.  Your family will also grow in grace and love!

This is not to say there will not be growing pains, or days of wondering why you decided to do this.  This is not say that you will not have to WORK – work in planning for your school days, work in planning how to do school and housecleaning, and this is not to say there will not be time when you have to make hard decisions about extra-curricular activities….but I am here to let you know that these growing pains will be worth it.  Completely and utterly worth it!

Have the courage to pull your children out of school, or to switch methods if that is what your family needs.

If you have been collecting curriculum, sit down and plan out a rhythm for a week and get started!  Your curriculum does no good at all sitting on a shelf.

Here are a few of my tips to get started:

  • Start with planning for this week – many of you are just waiting for the right moment to start homeschooling.  There is no right moment, you must jump in and do it.  Plan a week, then plan two weeks, then plan a month.  Just get started!  I like to plan day by day for my year over the Summer, so I start early, but mothers do it all different ways.  Find the way that works for you (but in order to do this you must start somewhere!).  You are not re-creating school in your home, here is a lovely article by Donna Simmons about the bringing Waldorf Education into the home: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/25/bringing-waldorf-to-homeschooling-by-donna-simmons/
  • Plan that your children may need up to a whole school year to really settle in.  Many mothers have told me that after they pulled their child from school the first year was just hard.  Don’t be discouraged.   Keep reminding yourself that what you are doing is enough:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/05/do-you-ever-worry-your-homeschool-teaching-is-not-enough/  Homeschooling is first and foremost about family!
  • Do have a support system for those hard days that you can call on (people who will NOT tell you the answer is to put your child back into school!)  Be careful what you can share with who.  Sometimes if you complain too much to family members, they lose confidence homeschooling is the right choice for your family and will start to pressure you about putting your children back in  school.  Know who you can trust with what information!
  • Figure out about life and homeschooling, smaller children — errands, cleaning, meals.  How and when is this going to happen?  What will the smaller children be doing whilst you work with your older child?  How can you balance needs within your family?
  • Work on YOURSELF.  I see so many mothers carrying around these really negative images of themselves – I am so disorganized, I can’t get up, I can’t stick to a schedule, ….What do you need to do to forgive yourself, to celebrate yourself, to lift yourself up?  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/27/forgiving-ourselves/ 
  • What is your spiritual path and what are you doing for spiritual work and personal development?  Some mothers I know found success with this little book, I gave out several copies at Christmas because I personally liked it so much (Christian perspective, but okay for those raised in Christian faith and wanting a little jump start back into something spiritual): http://www.amazon.com/Moments-Peace-Presence-God-Morning/dp/0764207768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1294856068&sr=8-1
  • If you are Waldorf homeschooling, I encourage you to actually read some Steiner.  Kingdom of Childhood is a good place to start, very accessible.  Here it is for free:  http://steinerbooks.org/research/archive/kingdom_of_childhood/kingdom_of_childhood.pdf  You don’t have to agree with Steiner’s personal worldview to use Waldorf Education; you can bring Waldorf elements to your homeschool no matter what methods you use. (Here is a post on infusing Waldorf methods into Christian homeschooling:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/20/infusing-waldorf-elements-into-your-christian-homeschool/)  You take what resonates with you and leave the rest behind, but I think Steiner  fleshes out a curriculum so in synch with the developmental stages that also mesh with what psychologists such as Gesell and Piaget have said of the child people are foolhardy to ignore this system of education.  You can read why I personally like Waldorf Education here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/06/wonderful-waldorf/. 
  • Here is a whole post that rounds up some of the back posts on coming to Waldorf late:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/03/coming-to-waldorf-late-2/
  • Get help!  If you need help, how about using a Waldorf consultant? 

Just jump in and get started, you will be so glad you did!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Fostering Maturity In Children

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This is from our last post on Chapter Nine of “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers”:

“So, what can we do as parents to foster maturity?  The authors write “The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child.  To foster independence we must first invite dependence; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close.”

Here is another quote: “The first task is to create space in the child’s heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love.”  Very lovely thought to meditate and ponder.”

I wanted to expand on this a bit.  One thought that fits well in line with this is Waldorf Education’s holistic view of the child, of the cycles of childhood and adulthood and how different capacities and truths are available for us to work with during different times as the child grows and matures. 

The things at the very core of Waldorf Education and Waldorf parenting as so applicable toward helping a child toward balanced healthy adulthood.  I write about this all the time on this blog.

My second thought is this:  it is not just attachment and love, it is about also about where we are as a parent.  Let me explain.

I think that whilst we don’t ALWAYS like our children, we always love them, and I think fostering the attitude that even if you make mistakes or  in the nine and up crowd that even if you make choices that are not stellar, we will always love you and support you is really important.

But I also think there is more to this than just attachment or fostering a feeling of unconditional love and warmth in our children.

It is also about us and where we are and what our inner self is holding on to.  We have to be so careful to not let our own baggage hold our children back.  We have to be so careful to not let our own fears hold our children down.  We have to be so careful and not confuse using our children’s childhood with healing our own inner childhood. 

I agree that attachment and dependency MUST be met; but I also agree that sometimes parents hold onto some phases past the point where it is healthy.

You see, I have seen so many parents who had the attachment part down really have severe trouble giving their children wings and allowing their children to tackle things independently, even if  a bit rashly, without standing over their shoulders saying, “Gosh, do you really think you should be doing it that way” or what have you.  Or trouble in that whilst they are “fostering dependence” as the authors speak about, it gets confused and mixed with the child having a  lack of responsibility where the older child does not participate in chores, or where the child does not ever have to give something up for the sanity of the family.

Instead of a bit of benign neglect or being in a side ring whilst the family as a whole is in the center ring, the child becomes not only the center ring of the circus but the ringmaster of the whole show.

In the book “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, the authors write, “ Your task as a parent is to help your child develop inside him what you have been providing on the outside:  responsibility, self-control, and freedom.”  And I would add love and compassion for themselves and for their fellow human beings and the things we as human beings have stewardship for. 

I think as attached parents and especially as homeschooling parents, we have to be okay with giving our older children some wings and some opportunity to make mistakes where the cost is small. 

We have to allow them to have some of those social experiences that teach them when they are bossy, their friends may not want to play with them.  We have to support them through the times when their old best friend has a new best friend.   If they are fearful, we have to still give them opportunities to try.  We have to give them opportunities to persevere through things they don’t want to do.  It is about more than attachment and  love for our child.  It is also about following through on the hard stuff. 

It is hard as a parent to watch a child struggle and yes, we do what we can to comfort and to help.  But sometimes we cannot fix everything, and part of life as a child is growing into one’s own power and one’s own ability to fix things, even if it starts out in an immature way and then grows.

That’s maturity.  What are you doing to foster maturity in your child this week?

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”–Chapter Nine

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The title of this chapter is “Stuck in Immaturity.”  Without even looking at the chapter, I have to giggle a bit at this title because those of you who have read this blog for a long time have seen my posts lamenting lack of meaningful rituals for American children as they transition into adulthood, how transforming into an industrial society has really prolonged adolescence in many ways, etc.  Yes, a society often stuck in immaturity!

The authors begin this chapter with two scenarios of two different children who are impulsive, unreflective, being rather off-the-cuff, not wanting to finish things, no aspirations.  The authors conclude by pointing out one of the children is only four, where these things are developmentally normal and to be expected, but the child in the other scenario is fourteen and his behavior has not changed remarkably since the preschool years. The authors dub this phenomenon as “preschooler syndrome” (and I giggled again!  Apparently I should have a glass of wine whilst reading this chapter to make it even more fun!)

The authors now make a point worth being serious about:  “Physical growth and adult physiological functioning are not automatically accompanied by psychological and emotional maturation.  Robert Bly, in his book The Sibling Society, exposes immaturity as being endemic in our society.  “People don’t bother to grow up, and we are all fish swimming in a tank of half-adults,” he writes.  In today’s world the preschooler syndrome even affects many children well past the preschool years, and may even be seen in teenagers and adults.  Many adults have not attained maturity – have not mastered being independent, self-motivated individuals capable of tending their own emotional needs and of respecting the needs of others.”

Yup, pretty much sums up what is going on with children today and also some adults that I see.  The authors see the main culprit causing this behavior as peer orientation.  “The earlier the onset of peer orientation in a child’s life and the more intense the preoccupation with peers, the greater the likelihood of being destined to perpetual childishness.”

I agree completely, but what I also see is parents really having a tough time parenting.  Parents having a tough time setting boundaries, slowing down enough to have a family life, really not understanding development or what tools go with what age.  I think in the “olden days’” there were mothers in the neighborhood to help with this, the children all played in  a group of littles down to bigs so you could clearly see a six year old was not like the twelve year old…All the things we are missing in our society right now.

Anyway, back to the book. 

The authors talk about the term “integrative functioning” and how maturity allows one to temper and to balance.  I love this; Waldorf Education is all about balance and finding the Middle Way, so  I find this fits nicely into my personal worldview.   The authors point out that maturity requires a sense of self to be separated from inner experience and how that is completely absent in the young child.  Again, this is a hallmark of Waldorf Education.

“The child has to be able to know that she is not identical with whatever feeling happens to be active in her at any particular moment.  She can feel something without her actions being necessarily dominated by that feeling.  She can be aware of other, conflicting feelings, or of thoughts, values, commitments that might run counter to the feeling of the moment.  She can choose.”

To me, the section that starts on page 115 “How Maturation Can Be Fostered” is an important one, the most important part and piece of this chapter.

“Dealing with immature children, we may need to  show them how to  act, draw the boundaries of what is acceptable, and articulate what our expectations are.  Children who do not understand fairness have to be taught to take turns.  Children not yet mature enough to appreciate the impact of their actions must be provided with  rules and prescriptions for acceptable conduct….”  but they go on to point true maturation cannot be rushed.  They give the example that to take turns is civil, but until a child develops a sense of fairness behind this action, they are not truly mature.  To say you are sorry in a situation is also civil, but until one understands responsibility for one’s actions there is no maturity.

So, what can we do as parents to foster maturity?  The authors write “The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child.  To foster independence we must first invite dependence; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close.”

Here is another quote: “The first task is to create space in the child’s heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love.”  Very lovely thought to meditate and ponder.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Families Who Shouldn’t Homeschool

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(PS>  Catherine had a great point below in the comment section; this post can sound negative if you read it the wrong way!  The concerns I have listed at the bottom with three more challenging types of situations does not mean you cannot homeschool!  I mean to encourage you and say you can do this, stop collecting curriculum and START! Do what you need to do to get support, but also do the work that YOU need to do for your family!!

Love to all! Carrie)

Do those of you who homeschool have this conversation all the time?

Stranger:  Where does your child go to school?

Mother:  We homeschool.

Stranger (fascinated and horrified at the same time):  Oh, I could NEVER do that.  I am not patient at all, and my children just don’t listen to me!

Really?

Your children never listen to you?

That is going to be really difficult and make for challenges throughout your parenting lifetime.

Patience?

Yes, homeschooling mothers can be patient, but I doubt if you rounded all of us up and tested us for an extra patience gene that we would be any different than the regular population.

The secret is that we have more opportunities to work on developing our patience.  That’s all.  If I need to develop patience, I can almost guarantee I will be put in more situations and opportunities where I can work to develop that trait.  No one said growth was easy!

Rudolf Steiner once said, “This is what causes one such heartfelt concern today, that people have not the least desire to know something.”  So, if you as a family are open to striving, to learning, to trying, to growing, to persevering, then homeschooling is for you.

You will develop your own will, you will learn so much about yourself, you will develop new abilities.  You will develop your family culture like never before and the ties with your children and the ties between your children will be stronger than ever.  Your children will learn not only academics, but practical life skills and they will assimilate your family’s values at a rapid clip.

However, I do feel there are two categories of families who can homeschool but that might need extra support.

One is the hopelessly disordered and chaotic family.  You have to be able to work out time to plan, and you have to have a plan. Planning will save you every time.  Even veteran UNSCHOOLERS plan to the extent that once they have identified their children’s passions, they bring their child to the library, they strew materials about their home, they plan experiences revolving around the children’s interests.  That takes planning!  I often hear mothers say this time of year that maybe they should just “follow their child’s interests, Waldorf (or Classical or whatever) is just too hard.  We should just unschool.”  If you need a break, take a break, but don’t fool yourself by thinking unschooling is no work.  The veteran Unschoolers I personally know work hard to help their children learn.

For Waldorf homeschooling families, I feel NOW is the time you should be matching a skeleton outline of blocks you are going to teach up with a calendar and start looking at resources for the fall.  You can then order your resources around March, have time to read through it all and plan over the Summer.  You need to do this even with an “open and go” curriculum.

The second category of families I worry about with homeschooling are those parents who are truly afraid to be an authority in their home.  A nice, loving authority, not a mean dictator, but an authority who has an idea what the rules of the house are, and what is acceptable and not acceptable.  I have so many, many posts on this blog about this.  This is so important.

Where is your Family Mission Statement?  What are your values, what are your rules?  What are you doing for inner work?  Are you actually home and working on developing your patience and strengthening your family ties together or are you just running around every day?  To  homeschool, you actually need to be home! What outside activities are your children involved in and do they really need to be involved in them?  I don’t think a child under six and a  half or seven really needs classes.  Children under four and a half or five  don’t need playdates either.  Waldorf Kindergarten used to traditionally start at four and a half years of age.  This still makes sense developmentally!

The third little thing I need to throw in is that I do worry a bit about the mothers homeschooling only daughters.  I think mother-daughter relationships can get really tangled and picky.  I am NOT saying I don’t think mother-only daughters should not homeschool, I am just saying this situation may require some extra planning so the whole thing doesn’t become too intense.  In this case, some outside experiences and play time and the like within a supportive community  may be helpful.

Just a few thoughts!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Celebrating Three Kings’ Day

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Merry Christmas to my Russian readers!  Many blessings on the Feast of The Theophany to my Orthodox readers!  And Happy Three Kings’ Day to those of you celebrating!

I wrote a post last year about Three Kings Day for your reading pleasure:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/the-magic-of-three-kings-day/ 

We celebrated today by leaving our shoes out on Twelfth Night and awakening to wondrous gifts left by the Three Wise Men this morning; we changed out our Nature Table to reflect The Three Wise Men as our theme for beginning to mid-January; we made a rice pudding and put three beans in it representing the Three Wise Men for those to find for good luck for the year.  We made stars for each of the three children with their names on them in glitter and have some beautiful origami stars hanging in our school room that my dearest friend made me for Christmas.  The one thing I did not get to do yet was to bless our home or take down our Christmas tree, so I am  running a bit behind there.  Smile  That is okay with me though  as my time right now is being devoted to chasing a toddler and homeschooling. 

I also was pleased to see a new “Three Kings and Epiphany E-Book”  from Eileen Straiton from Little Acorn Learning, Jennifer Tan from Syrendell and Jodie Mesler from Home Music Making over at Little Acorn Learning:  http://littleacornlearning.com/index.html  The beautiful star on the front cover of this e-book is like the strands I currently have hanging in my school room!  I am looking forward to reading it and planning out ideas for next year!

I hope you had a wonderful holiday season, and I am looking forward to a wonderful 2011 with all of you wonderful mindful mothers!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Rhythm For the Irregular

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Stuck on trying to get a rhythm going?

I think this happens quite a bit, so here are my quickie top ten tips for developing your own rhythm:

1.  You must get yourself to bed and shoot for the same time to go to sleep every night.  Use an alarm clock and get up even if you are tired.  Sorry, I know folks will really disagree with me here, but I think if you cannot start the foundation of waking up and going to bed, then the rest of the day is off-kilter.  Just my opinion, feel free to disagree.  Smile  My thought is you can always catch up at quiet time/ nap time, but to start to get in the habit of sleeping and waking times.

2.  Plan to do this for forty days.  Yes, forty. We have all heard it takes twenty-one days to establish a new habit, but in many religious traditions forty days is a number referred to again and again.  Try it for forty days.  If you miss a day, just jump back in….

3.  Which brings me to this point:  you are developing your own will.  Your own will is and can be stronger than your irregularity as a person if only you let it.  Try this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/30/the-adult-will-and-how-to-develop-it/

4.   Regular meal times is the next step.

5.  Work in baby steps, go slow, get in-person encouragement.  Do not go to the  family and friends who will say, “You have tried this before and it never has worked for you!”  Go to the  family and friends who love you and who will say, “I know you can do this!  This is the first step toward wonderful things!”

6.  Write out your day on paper even if it is just the baby steps.  If you need to, you can cross off the flow like a list whilst you are putting these habits into place and your body is getting used to the changes.  But, keep it very, very simple at first.

It may be as simple as:

Tuesday –

  • Up, dressed, breakfast
  • Clean up dishes
  • Inside play
  • Snack
  • Tell story
  • Lunch at 12
  • Clean up dishes
  • Quiet time/ nap
  • Outside play
  • Everyone helps with dinner preparations
  • Dinner
  • Clean up dishes
  • Bed

7.  Believe in yourself. It can be so challenging when there is an area one has worked consistently to improve and yet it is still a challenge.  Know that you can do this!

Here are a few back posts on rhythm:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/11/04/back-to-basics-rhythm/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/13/baby-steps-to-waldorf-rhythm/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/17/changing-your-rhythm-with-the-seasons/

Many blessings,

Carrie

Is “Keep Calm and Carry On” Unfeeling?

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No, it is not meant to be at all!!  The main point is to connect with your child, but not “connect” by yelling, screaming, shouting.  Please go back and read the “How to Keep Calm and Carry On”  back post as I went back and highlighted in bold all the sections about loving and connecting.   This whole blog is about love, and I certainly didn’t mean for anything to come off as uncaring. 

Feeling as if your child’s behavior is not the end of the world, ie, equivalent to “please pass the salt” or picking up lint on the floor is simply an inner attitude to help you keep your cool and only part of what needs to happen in a situation of true conflict.  I think this also helps underscore that a child is ONE part of a FAMILY.  A family is a social organism onto itself, and the behavior of one child, one person, should not be enough to upset the whole balance and get the whole family in a tizzy.  That is more what I meant, but you may have to go through some back posts to really read the Keep Calm and Carry On series in context. Guess that is the problem of having a blog over say, a book.     

Connection is your number one discipline tool, I have said this over and over and over.  See this post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/05/renewal-commit-yourself-to-gentle-discipline/ 

Absolutely,you must connect with your child, and you must de-escalate the situation before they get the point the child is having a temper tantrum.  However, whining and laying on the floor saying “I am bored” over and over deserves not only not yelling and shouting but a calm response and an assurance that the family life does not grind to a halt where everyone is tense and shouting because of just simple pushing against forms by a child.  Everything deserves a loving and  calm response.  I am certainly NOT suggesting you go off somewhere else and fold laundry whilst your child is melting down. 

What I am suggesting is that many parents have the problem of being calm in order to help their child.  Many parents blow their fuse almost immediately the moment a child does something normal, small and age-appropriate.  For small things, I think “keep calm and carry on” can help parents find their center.  The trick is being able to be connected and loving to your child on the outside, calm on the inside and show it through smiles, warmth, an “I am here” attitude, and even saying, “I hear you!” 

Sometimes there is only so much complaining and whining one can really hear but you can say to a six year old and older, “I hear you, and I have listened to you talk about your sadness (boredom, etc)  and right now I really am full but I will carry your thoughts with me  whilst I wash the dishes.  Come and help me” and take them by the hand to help you.  Sing.  This may sound harsh to some of you with smaller children, but many small children find it oddly comforting  that family life is still humming and they don’t have the utter power to make the whole family unbalanced.  When a small child can sense that their behavior can de-rail the whole family, that is scary to them.  Does that make sense?

I also honestly think that because many parents are only having one child or two children, these children live closer under the parent’s scrutiny than say, children living in a larger household.  Not everything needs to be so serious and taken so under scrutiny.  Children are not little adults, they deserve attention and love, but there is also something to be said for a bit of benign neglect where children are part of the family, not just something everyone in the family should be orbiting around like a small sun.   I like this post about benign neglect:  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2008/01/a-bit-of-benign.html

Older children, your five and six to ten year olds. really need to see this calmness.  I am sure we all remember instances of being teenagers and not wanting to talk to our parents because they “would freak out”.  If you can be calm(er) in the years preceding these years, hopefully your teenagers will feel they can come to you with things because you will be calm and helpful and listen.

How-to’s of “Connection, Keep Calm and Carry On” in the next post!

Hope that helps to clarify a bit…Many blessings,

Carrie

Small Child, Your Challenging Behavior Is About As Interesting To Me…

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As a piece of lint on the floor. Ho-hum, ho-hum.  I am over here doing real work, and please come join me.  I hear you,  I see you, I will connect with you and help you move into work and movement.  I will help you with a good sense of humor.  I will help you stick to the boundary I set,  but with my  ho-hum.

A fifteen month old will arch and protest over what he does not want to do.  A two-year-old will experiment with “no” about a million times.  A four-year-old will get wound up and use “potty words”.  A six-year-old will tell you they hate you and slam doors.  A nine or ten year old will experiment with swear words (which is about the equivalent of a four year old saying potty words).

Ho-hum.

It is hard not get emotionally wound up about challenging behaviors when they stem from our own children, when these behaviors  stem from pushing against the boundaries we have set, and when we have to live with this pushing against forms 24 hours a day.

Yet, the more you can be warm and loving but ho-hum, the better life will be.

The more we can stop and think before we say something or do something, the more we model that temperance for children that is so important.  However, by the same token, we do not model passively sitting by and doing nothing when something clearly needs to be done.  There needs to be a Middle Way, which is something that Waldorf Education frequently talks about.

We want to raise a generation of children who can take that moment to pause and to think before they act, but yet  we also want to raise a generation of children who will grow up to DO.  We want to raise a generation of children who are healthy enough in their bodies and their minds that they can do what will need to be done to make our world a better place but to  do it with thoughtfulness and reverence.

And it all starts in the home, with us, the parents, being able to distinguish and discern when to act, when not to act, what to say and what not to say.   It starts with us, the parents, being able to give our children a childhood that is real and authentic and not a watered-down version of adult reality.  It requires boundaries and it requires love.  A whole lotta of love.

And it requires a ho-hum attitude.  

Be peaceful.  Be authentic and be real, but know when to raise a fuss and when to be ho-hum.  Big things require big reactions, but little things do not.

That is part of the parenting path and work for us as parents in this year and in this time.

Many blessings,

Carrie

How Do I “Keep Calm and Carry On”?

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Kathy, Lura, Stephanie and all you other wonderful mothers out there:  How do I “keep calm and carry on?”  Wow, that is the question, isn’t it?  Many of us realize after some time in parenting and in homeschooling that we actually are the ones who set the tone for our families.  However,  it can be a “whole ‘nother ball of wax” trying to figure out the steps to take to do this consistently and effectively.

What you are looking for is to cultivate a really peaceful energy of quiet joy in homemaking, parenting and in life.  I do think some of this comes just with time and experience.  I know that for myself as a third-time mother I am much quicker to set boundaries in a calm manner and follow through in a patient way.  It is always my goal to cultivate that same sort of interest in challenging parenting situations as I see in picking up a piece of lint off the floor.  Ho0hum, ho-hum, ho-hum.  I really think any parent who has a child of any age can do this though.  It really is just a commitment to practice, just like practicing anything else you have learned in your years of living.  Practice, and don’t give up!

I don’t think the goal is to be a “valium mother” where you are not authentic or real, but I think over time you learn to save your big reactions for the big things and you hopefully have perspective from knowing development of the holistic human being in body, soul and spirit.  That is what this blog is all about!

I am an Episcopalian, and one analogy often used to describe the basis of this religion is “the three-legged stool”of Scripture, Tradition and Reason. I would like to borrow that analogy for a moment.  See if you can picture a simple, wooden three-legged stool in your mind’s eye.   Do you have it?   On the seat of the stool is the word “Calm” or the phrase “Keep Calm and Carry On”.  On each leg of the stool  the following words are written:   “RHYTHM”  “THOUGHTS/WORDS” and “TIME”.  Let me explain each leg:

1.  The first leg of this stool is RHYTHM.  We all want peace in our homes.  Well, the opposite of peace is CHAOS.  If you would like to tame your chaos, then you need a rhythm to your day.

A rhythm is not a “schedule by hour”, but it is a flow and an order.  I have many back posts on this blog about establishing rhythm.  Rhythm  is the best and most important place to start in establishing peace and authority (remember, not mean and nasty dictator authority but loving authority!)  in your home.  Start around awake times, meal times, nap times and bed times.  This includes a reasonable bed time and awake time for yourself. 

Once this is established, then move into more of the details:  outside time, time to have a practical activity that you focus on each day of the week, inside play, time for singing, maybe adding in a time to tell a story.  Time for in-breath and time for out-breath. 

Rhythm also goes along with the festivals of the year, so you have to spend some time with your journal, a piece of paper, your significant other and think about what festivals your family will celebrate and why that resonates with your family and how you will celebrate.  Then you can move into planning for those and working those things into the DOING with small children at home.  The doing becomes pieces you can fill in for the practical work of your daily rhythm – baking, crafting, creating.

Rhythm also needs to include when you will do your housework.  Again, there are many back posts about this subject on this blog.  I personally like www.flylady.net for mothers trying to tame their homes.  I like Flylady because I think her plan is actually “do-able” with small children because it tends to work in small chunks of time, it asks you to start where you are, and it works in baby steps.  Many mothers I personally know have found success with the Flylady system, including myself.  Smile

2.  The second leg to this three-legged stool is “THOUGHTS/WORDS”.  Change your thoughts, change your words, change your life.

Change your perception of anger:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/the-battlefield-of-the-mind-anger-and-parenting/

Change your attitude:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/17/the-power-of-being-a-positive-mother/

Be kind in your home:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/

Change the words you use with your children:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/23/changing-our-parenting-language/

Set boundaries in a loving way, referred to on this blog as “holding the space” and “being the rock”.  Here is my favorite post on that subject:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/02/re-claiming-authority-part-one/

3.  The third leg to this three-legged stool is “TIME”.  If you know what your values and priorities are because you made a Family Mission Statement, are you using your time in a way that reflects that?  Or are you wasting a lot of time wandering in circles feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start?  Go back to rhythm!  Plan your week out on a piece of paper!  Start somewhere!

Are you wasting time on the computer?  I find for many mothers the biggest time waster is not TV or even the phone, but the computer.  Many mothers, especially mothers of small children, seem to spending an awful lot of time looking at blogs of so-called “perfect homes” and “perfect families” instead of spending their time planning or actually being with their families!  For the most part, I keep pictures OFF of this blog for that reason.  You should not be comparing your family to mine or to anyone else’s family, and pictures make this a really easy trap to fall into!   It is so tempting with these blogs to feel inferior and as if everyone has it all together, so why don’t we?  I guarantee that I am just a humble work in progress with real life days and so are all the mothers of those beautiful blogs.  We are all  just real human beings!

I think one of the biggest ways we can become guardians of our time and to redeem our time is to spend it in PMP.  PMP is my way of saying prayer, meditation, and planning.  If you pray over your concerns, meditate and see what that small quiet whisper tells you and plan, you will make better decisions for you and your family.  Life will flow!

Remember: rhythm, thoughts/words, time.  The keys to keeping calm and carrying on.  If you need to, tack up some reminder words or pictures on pieces of paper.  Come up with your plan for what you will do when that last boundary is crossed; how will you react and how will you de-escalate the situation when it is no longer a time for learning for anyone in the household?

These are things worth pondering during these Holy Nights.

Much love and many blessings!  You can do this this year!

Carrie