Monthly Archives: January 2011

Guest Post: What’s The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Child?

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Wonderful Raelee Peirce from over at  http://www.noblemother.com/             wrote this in response to reading an article by Dr. Gabor Mate.  Dr. Mate, as many of you may recognize, is one of the co- authors of The Parenting Passageway’s featured book we are studying:  “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers.”

You can see more about Raelee and her journey here:  http://www.noblemother.com/raelee/   These are Raelee’s powerful words about parenting and the best thing that you can do for your child.

What’s The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Child?

By Raelee Peirce

Our choices for our children have positive and negative consequences.  Sometimes we are more aware of these consequences than other times.  We simply do not always know the impact of everything we do in nurturing to the best of our ability. 

Therefore, it is my belief that mothering is a completely unique responsibility.  I feel like I am constantly stretching and growing spiritual qualities of patience, flexibility, assertiveness, and self-discipline.

I work every day at learning ways to make parenting less stressful for myself and for my clients.  It has been so rewarding to find small ways to incorporate simplicity into our lives.  I am learning to balance the active moments and days with more low-key moments and days.  Lighting a candle for prayers or for a meal can bring a peaceful tone to an otherwise tense activity. Storytelling with my kids brings us closer together and keeping to a regular bedtime rhythm provides a familiar predictability to our days.

So when I read this article by Dr. Gabor Mate…
Trauma: How We’ve Created a Nation Addicted to Shopping, Work, Drugs and Sex….Post-industrial capitalism has completely destroyed the conditions required for healthy childhood development.
http://www.alternet.org/story/149325/trauma:_how_we%27ve_created_a_nation_addicted_to_shopping,_work,_drugs_and_sex/?page=entire
…over this past weekend, I felt like jumping up and down in complete joy. 

Joy for my work in simplicity and joy for us as mothers who have made difficult choices in order to nurture our babies.  In today’s modern times, intuition and spiritual understanding are appreciated but not revered as much as science.  Well, it is with pleasure and amazement and excitement that I share with you the science in this article that validates what we intuitively have known all along – our babies need their mamas and we need to live in a cultural climate – a climate where the attitude, expectations, and social services – provide mothers with emotional and financial support in order to nurture their own babies.

As a parent coach I have heard personal stories of moms who are isolated, lonely, unsupported and left questioning their decision to stay home or go to work.  Dr. Mate explains that this isolation is not optimal for us and is a new phenomenon…
"The normal basis for child development has always been the clan, the tribe, the community, the neighborhood, the extended family. Essentially, post-industrial capitalism has completely destroyed those conditions. People no longer live in communities which are still connected to one another. People don’t work where they live. They don’t shop where they live. The kids don’t go to school, necessarily, where they live. The parents are away most of the day. For the first time in history, children are not spending most of their time around the nurturing adults in their lives. And they’re spending their lives away from the nurturing adults, which is what they need for healthy brain development."

So many parents feel forced to spend time away from their babies and young children because of the tough economic situation of our day.  I feel that burn on a very personal level.  My husband and I are currently both working from home due to the tough job market.  As a result, many families live with a great deal of stress in order to make ends meet. 

Certainly all parents are interested in supporting the healthy brain development of their children. Interestingly, a calm brain is a healthy brain.  In the article Mate says that stressful parenting and time away from mothers is changing the chemical make-up of our baby’s brains.
…"dopamine is simply an essential life chemical. Without it, there’s no life. Mice in a laboratory who have no dopamine will starve themselves to death, because they have no incentive to eat. Even though they’re hungry, and even though their life is in danger, they will not eat, because there’s no motivation or incentive.  And if you actually look at how the dopamine levels in a brain develop, if you look at infant monkeys and you measure their dopamine levels, and they’re normal when they’re with their mothers, and when you separate them from mothers, the dopamine levels go down within two or three days."

The cultural understanding that thrives in America is that our babies are fine and that they will adjust without us.  Mate believes that the rise in ADD, ADHD, Autism, behavior defiance, and addiction is not genetic.  He has found that these disorders are increasing because stress has increased for parents and kids, lowering dopamine levels.  Unfortunately, our society’s response to this isn’t to support families, mothers, babies – it’s to find a drug that will increase the dopamine levels.  But whether a child is put on these drugs or not, children need emotional connection regardless. By de-stressing ourselves and the lives of our babies and children, new positive pathways are developed in the brain and dopamine levels can rise, naturally.

Our children in our country are suffering from lack of emotional connection.  We lack rhythm and downtime which allow children to unfold into growing into their true selves.  As a result, there is an increase in children being diagnosed and labeled and at the very least making their parents feel crazy with their "misbehavior." 

Mate points out that "yes, a lot of children are acting out, but it’s not bad behavior. It’s a representation of emotional losses and emotional lacks in their lives. And whether it’s, again, bullying or a whole set of other behaviors, what we’re dealing with here is childhood stunted emotional development—in some cases, stunted pain development. And rather than trying to control these behaviors through punishments, or even just exclusively through medications, we need to help these kids develop."

 

It’s no mystery – many parents are stressed, most children are stressed living in these modern times of too much stuff, too many activities, too much information, too much screen time — all of which pulls us away from the one thing that can make it better – each other.

Let’s acknowledge that time with our babies and children is time that is not wasted.  It is richly valuable.  The home environment is a space to create warmth, love, patience, calm – for the sake of our children’s developing brains. "…which circuits develop and which don’t depend very much on environmental input. When people are mistreated, stressed or abused, their brains don’t develop the way they ought to. It’s that simple…And the essential condition for the physiological development of these brain circuits that regulate human behavior, that give us empathy, that give us a social sense, that give us a connection with other people, that give us a connection with ourselves, that allows us to mature—the essential condition for those circuits, for their physiological development, is the presence of emotionally available, consistently available, non-stressed, attuned parenting caregivers."

I think motherhood today can be completely characterized as overwhelming and stressful.  I firmly believe because we collectively have been convinced that a "good" mom juggles a high power career and/or "gives up" her career to be home, makes organic meals, knits hats and sews their child’s birthday goodie bags, and still has time to respond effectively to tantrums, not to mention be somehow connected to her spouse, that there’s no question why parenting today is stressful.

The more that I know and understand, the better choices I can make.  It doesn’t make the choices easy – but I do have more clarity and conviction. 
"The child’s brain development depends on the presence of non-stressed, emotionally available parents."

I want the cultural climate to change.  This article validates a formula like Simplicity Parenting  ( http://www.simplicityparenting.com/)  as a formula that families can apply in order to find the calm connection each of us craves.

It is not my intention to share this message with you so you can become riddled with guilt or anger.  My intention is for us to learn and grow together.  What are we doing right and what do we need to improve upon for ourselves, and as a result, for the next generation of mothers? 

Certainly we want our children to appreciate education, to go as far as they are motivated, to find financial success, to be content, inspired, passionate about life.  Can we also instill in them a deeper understanding of the critical role they play in the healthy development and happiness of their own children?

I’m not a politician and I don’t want to be.  I think change begins first in me.  The more all of us stand up and advocate for the well-being of our babies, the more things will begin to shift.  We are a powerful force when we stand together. 

The most important thing you can do right now for your child is to reduce the stress in your own life and consequently, the life of your child.  When your child receives unstressed parenting he/she is able to optimally develop.

________________________________________________

Thank you Raelee! 

Many blessings to you all,

Carrie

In These Dark Days

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January can be such a difficult month in parenting.  The days can be dark and long.  Much of the U.S. has been under sub-zero temperatures, and that can make days with small children rather long indeed.  This can be the kind of month where mothers are feeling tired, cranky, even depressed or overwhelmed.

This is a good month to focus on the importance of warmth: warm thoughts, warm deeds, warm and gentle hands, quiet voices, warm clothing, warm foods. 

This is a good month to make sure you, Mama, are at  your peak physical and mental health.  Get those Vitamin D and thyroid levels checked; get screened for depression if you think that may be a possibility; menu plan for nourishing food.

This is a good month to tweak your rhythm or change it entirely.  What will your older child do whilst your younger one is trying to go to sleep?  What will you do to get out physical energy if you are stuck in the house because it is literally that cold? 

This is a good month to revisit singing and music to warm the atmosphere of the home.  Some of you have emailed and asked about music resources.  Here are a few of my favorites (if a book, also includes CD’s because I know some of you may not be able to read music!):

This is a good month to do some story-telling.  Try Suzanne Down’s Juniper Tree Puppetry website and sign up for her email newsletter:  http://junipertreepuppets.com/blog/

For inspiration in story-telling, how about this book by Nancy Mellon called “Body Eloquence”?  http://www.amazon.com/Body-Eloquence-Power-Awaken-Energies/dp/1604150289/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296213082&sr=8-1

This is a good month to do some some art with your children.   Pink and Green Mama reads this blog and has 400 projects on her website here:  http://pinkandgreenmama.blogspot.com

This is a good month to get ready for February festivals!  How about getting ready for Candlemas (https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/29/the-magic-of-candlemas/),  Chinese New Year (https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/09/chinese-new-year-in-the-waldorf-home/) or Valentine’s Day? 

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”–Chapters 12 and 13

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We are going to tackle these two chapters today so that we will then be ready to jump into Part Four of this book which details the whole HOW as parents we can hold onto our children or RECLAIM our children if we feel that connection has been lost.

So, Chapter 12 is entitled “A Sexual Turn” and starts by discussing that the age of first sexual activity is becoming younger and younger.  In 1997 study by the Centers for Disease Control, 6.5 percent of ninth-grade girls and 15 percent of ninth-grade boys  reported having sex before the age of thirteen.  The authors also discuss the general debasement of sexual activity and the difference between the use of sex as a primitive tool of attachment and having sexual intercourse as an expression of genuine love and intimacy.  The authors point out that even in a very short period of time a teenager’s ties with the family can weaken, for example if parents are suffering with depression or preoccupation with their careers, because that is how very vulnerable our children are today.  Children today are using sex as a way to attach to peers, how sexuality in children leads to hardened emotional states with little vulnerability. 

Chapter 13, “Unteachable Students”  documents the disruption children attaching to peers causes in the classroom with academics going downhill.  The authors write:  “The reading abilities of schoolchildren appear to have declined, despite the heavy emphasis many schools have placed on literary skills in recent years.  Our teachers have never been better trained than today, our curriculum never as developed, and our technology as sophisticated.  What has changed?  Once more we return to the pivotal influence of attachment.  The shift in attachment patterns of our children has had profoundly negative implications for education.”

The authors state that four elements are of import for a child to have a teachable mind:  a natural curiosity, an integrative mind, an ability to benefit from correction, and a relationship with the teacher.  Peer attachment undermines that as curiosity is considered “uncool” and the academic subjects being studied at school have no importance in being connected with peers so therefore become unworthy of time or energy on the part of the child.

For those of you reading along, any thoughts on these chapters?  I am looking forward to delving into Part Four!

Many blessings,

Carrie

At What Age Should Children Attend A Place of Worship?

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I have gotten this question several times in The Parenting Passageway email, so I looked up this exact question on the Internet.  Honestly, I  didn’t find much about this topic other than a few message board questions and an article about taking your child out into the hall of the church and PADDLING them when they misbehave!  (Really?! Insert my look of complete and utter HORROR here!!)

I am sure the way parents feel about this are going to be all over the map, but I thought I would throw a few things out there about this topic and maybe you all can add your experiences and thoughts to the comment section below………

I think if having a community of faith is  really  important to you, truly important to the family,   then you will make it work.  I don’t think it is so much the age of the child as it is the commitment and feeling of the parents.  If you,  as a parent,  feel so comfortable in your place of worship, that this is the place that helps you to be and become a better human being, that this is a place  of love and warmth and community, then your child will feel that as well and you will help guide your child as to the appropriate behavior and actions for that place and time.

My current personal case in point is our little fifteen month old who has no choice about attending church.  He has to go because we can’t leave him home with the dog, LOL.  He doesn’t understand the liturgy or notice the colors of the church changing with the liturgical seasons.  He doesn’t have the prayers or responses memorized.

But I think he knows this place that we go to twice a week.  He knows it is a place where the  adults love him and there is music and beauty and wonderful smells.  It is the place where every week  he is smothered in kisses by my African American friend as she says, “If he grows up to marry a black woman, this will be why!” and kisses him until he falls over laughing.  This is the place where my Polish friend speaks to him in Polish and helps me chase him down the hall.  It is the place where he hangs out in the choir room as we watch his big sisters practice singing (and the place he runs down the hallway to if he escapes out of anyone’s arms!  And then he stands there utterly disappointed if no one is singing at the time).  It is the place of meals, and the place of The Plastic Popcorn Popper  in the nursery that can sometimes entertain him for up to ten minutes as I quietly run in and out of the mass to hear his sisters sing in focused concentration and then pick him right back up again.  I think he knows there is something special and wonderful about this beautiful place where silence is respected but the people still have a twinkle in their eye and a love for the smallest of God’s kingdom.

Don’t get me wrong.  Getting small children to a place of worship, at least in my household, is no easy task.  Take Sunday – I forgot the baby’s shoes and my husband had to drop us off and go home for them, there were the inevitable tears surrounding The Doing of The Hair, the inevitable tension of trying to get to church early for the oldest to practice singing in the choir for the mass,  the waiting impatiently of the other children whilst the older one practiced.  On the car ride home, there was the loud singing  with the even  louder antagonizing remarks between siblings  and even the baby joined in with loud screams just to be heard over the din.  It was like watching our own circus and  my husband and I just laughed until I had tears rolling down my face.  (I think you had to be there to hear the comments Smile) With small children and a place of worship one needs to have a sense of humor, just like one needs to have with small children and life!

So, that leads me to this next point:  one needs to find a place of worship that understands and respects children.  A place where the leaders of the place of worship have a twinkle in their eye when dealing with families and children, a place where the people you attend services with have not forgotten about this task of raising small children, a place where the educational programs and activities take into account the developmental stages of the children. 

So, perhaps it is not so much the age, but how you feel on the inside regarding the doing of your spiritual life, and the place of worship itself and how they view small children.

Looking forward to hearing what all of you think, and sharing any FUNNY stories about your children in your place of worship would be a wonderful way to brighten up this day that is so cold and dreary around much of the U.S.!

Much love and many blessings,

Carrie

An Oldie But A Goodie: Five Things Every Parent Needs

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This is an older post that I found and thought it was worthy enough to re-print for all my new readers.  So here is my oldie but goodie post of the week!

These are five things every parent needs to have right now; these are the keys to parenting!

Compassionate Connection :  Connection is the number one tool to parenting and to discipline, to that guiding of a child throughout these years at home.  You get it by choosing to connect with your child, by  choosing to view you and your child as being on the same team instead of being against each other.  You get it by choosing to love your child as you guide them over the bumps of life and development instead of being mad at them for being immature and making mistakes, which is what small children are and what small children do.

Kindness :  Kindness in the home is of utmost importance.  Your small child is watching everything you do and say and how you treat other people, including how you treat yourself.  Do you have boundaries for how other adults treat you?  Your children are watching this!  Boundaries is a part of being kind to yourself and to others.

How do you promote kindness in your home?  How do you model forgiveness for yourself for being human?  Try this one for ideas:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/

Gentleness:  Your child always deserves to have gentle hands.  If you cannot be gentle with them, you must take a parent time-out.  You can set a boundary, stick to a boundary, and still be gentle and loving.  It is possible!  You can parent peacefully!   See here for one of the many posts about this on this blog:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/05/an-emergency-how-to-how-to-parent-peacefully-with-children-under-age-9/

and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/17/raising-peaceful-children/

Patience:  Many parents will ruefully sigh and say, “I am not patient enough with my child.”  I agree it is important to have patience regarding the day to day and minute to minute interactions with your child; I have many posts about that,  but the kind of patience I am really talking about right now  is being patient with the process of DEVELOPMENT. This means not rushing a child out of childhood, and being willing to set boundaries to preserve that child’s innocence in early childhood and in the grades of school as well.     Understanding developmental stages and having realistic expectations for each age is vital.  There are many posts on this blog about this, all the developmental stages are currently covered from the age of twelve months through age nine.  There are also many posts regarding  babies under the “Baby and Toddler” header.  Here is one post regarding patience for your reading pleasure:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/15/the-power-of-patience-day-number-18-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-parent/

Maturity:  Having a baby and a small child in the home SHOULD cause a change in your lifestyle.  Please do not use the fact you are breastfeeding and can carry your child in a  sling as an excuse to drag your child to all kinds of adult places with no rhythm in sight.  Why should your toddler  behave while you have coffee with a friend?  Why should your small baby sleep through the night when biologically they are not there yet?  Why should your toddler or younger preschooler willingly separate from you when they consider themselves to be a part of you?    Have the maturity to know that this is a season, this too shall pass, and that these early years of childhood are remarkably short.

A Positive Attitude! I have written about this repeatedly.  Here are a few back posts for your reading pleasure: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/19/day-number-three-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/17/the-power-of-being-a-positive-mother/

Simple parenting entails just these five steps to start.  A great beginning!!

Many blessings,

Carrie

A Guest Post: Take Pause With The 10 X 7 Rule

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I have a lovely reader who told me about a valuable tool she uses to “keep calm and carry on”.  It was so profound that I asked her to write a guest post and share her thoughts with all of you.  Thank you, Jennifer S.!

Take Pause

by Jennifer S.

"Our behavior is a reflection of who we are at the moment. Hating your child’s behavior is like saying you don’t love the part of your child that wants to behave that way." Author Unknown

My mother was a gem. She mothered me like a lot of others mothers did in the early 70’s – the natural way. Quite frankly, she mothered me in the spirit of Rudolf Steiner’s teachings without knowing who Rudolf Steiner was. My memories of how I was mothered, coupled with my inherent nature and my experience teaching Waldorf preschool have all shaped how I mother my 22- month –old- daughter. I’d venture to say to that I am doing an exceptional job. But I do have my moments. We all do. After all, we are mothers which typically means we wear a couple of hundred hats a week. We are allowed to be human and to have not so stellar mothering moments.

For me, the hardest part of mothering is not having that knee jerk reaction to behavior I consider bothersome or unwanted. I get in a tunnel sometimes and when my daughter does something that pulls me out of my mothering tunnel, I find that I react with an immediate exasperated sigh. I hate this. I do it more when I am tired and feeling like the weight of the world is upon me. (Which it is – I am, after all raising a human being!) I am conscious of the fact that I do this and I am also conscious of the downcast look on my daughter’s face.

I know mothers who do this very same thing and often times their reactions are even more extreme. Dealing with unwanted behavior (and by unwanted, I am referring to behavior that is annoying to us as mothers, not behavior that can cause harm to the child or others) is a daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute challenge. So how can mothers put their negative reactions in check in an effort to be a peaceful parent to their child?

When I asked myself this question about a year ago, I thought back to my gem of a mother and some pearls of wisdom she provided me with long ago as I struggled with little ones both as a nanny and in a preschool setting. She told me to “take pause” and consider what impact your child’s behavior will have in seven different increments of time. I asked her what she meant by “seven increments of time.” It turns out that it is very simple and quite frankly works. When your child acts in a way that causes you annoyance, exaggeration, anxiety and the like, take pause and consider the following:

  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 seconds?
  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 minutes?
  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 hours?
  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 days?
  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 weeks?
  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 months?
  • What impact will your child’s current behavior have on you and others in 10 years?

For me, I usually calm down and am no longer irritated with my child by the time I hit “10 days.” I very rarely have to look much further down the timeline.

Taking the time to play out the effects of my child’s behavior is a calming moment in and of itself and it almost always makes me realize how trivial my child’s actions are and that it is some problem in myself that I need to address. Using this ten by seven rule simply lets a mother catch her breath before she expels it in an exasperated sigh (or worse!)

Honestly, my daughter is too young to know what I am doing but she watches me and realizes that I am taking a moment to push myself into a better parenting space. And she appreciates it. I know this because she will often give me a hug or a snuggle along with a grin that says “you’ll miss my antics when I outgrow them!” And she is right! I will miss her sneaking onto the top of the couch, just to fall off moments later. I will miss her dumping over the entire contents of the cat’s food bowl. I will miss her taking all of the trash out of the trash can. I will miss her unstuffing all of her cloth diaper inserts. I will miss her smearing her food all over the table. I will miss her dumping all of her water on the floor. I will miss all of these things and more because someday she will be off living her grown -up life and I will long for the pitter patter sound of her little feet followed by the perverbial “uh oh.” And I will wish that I had taken more time to savor those moments which caused me annoyance. The ten by seven rule allows me to do this because I ultimately realize that my daughter is just being her “age” and that I need to take pause and enjoy it for it is a mere fleeting moment.

It’s funny but I have seen similar concepts circulating around blog land recently. I would like to think that my mother was the mastermind behind this idea but hence, it really does not matter. What matters is that she gave me a tool to became a better mother. I hope that I have given this to you in turn. And on that note, I leave you with another great quote: “Believe in your child beyond today’s problem or behavior.” Author Unknown

Carrie here:  The other thing I love about this is the demonstration of passing on how we parent to the next generation.  Grandmother to mother to granddaughter. 

What kind of legacy are you leaving for your children in the way you parent?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Two Ideas for First/Second Grade Blocks

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I love the book “Where the Mountain Meets the Moon” by Grace Lin.  It would make a great read-aloud for Waldorf homeschoolers in the second grade.  You could also make a language arts block out of it.  My friend Jen over at Ancient Hearth did just that, and you can see the spectacular results here:  http://ancienthearth2.blogspot.com/2011/01/la-block-where-mountain-meets-moon.html  I am so pleased looking at Jen’s pictures; her block turned out so beautifully!

I also wanted to share a little idea I am working on for my First Grader’s form drawing blocks for fall.  I want to use the little mice of Brambly Hedge to do our form drawing and I may also move the idea of mice into our math blocks for the four processes. 

For those of you not familiar with the  Brambly Hedge books, they are small pocket- sized books with intricate watercolor illustrations about  families of mice who make their homes in the roots and trunks of Brambly Hedge, “a dense and tangled hedgerow that borders the field on the other side of the stream.”  The main first four books go through each season with the assorted activities of gathering food, storing it for winter, and all the feasts and festivities that go with each season.

These were first published in Great Britain in 1980.  You can see the first four books here: http://www.amazon.com/Year-Brambly-Hedge-Jill-Barklem/dp/0007371667/ref=pd_sim_b_8

My thought is to make a giant wall mural of the hedge and the assorted  places of the hedge and then to use the stories as a springboard for the imagery of form drawing lines and curves.  There is  also a Brambly Hedge Pattern Book to sew fabric versions of the mice characters here:  http://www.amazon.com/Brambly-Hedge-Pattern-Book-Dolman/dp/0399211942/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1295721650&sr=8-8

Many blessings today,

Carrie

“Friends and Lovers” by Julian Sleigh

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My dear friend Lovey from over at Loveyland lent me this book.  I really wanted to write a review for you all but am finding it a bit  difficult as it  is the kind of book where so many things are profound you want to underline every other sentence and tab the pages and ponder what the authors says.  (Okay, I guess that is something of a review right there.  Smile)

This book is called “Friends and Lovers:  Working Through Relationships” and is written by Julian Sleigh who is a priest in the Christian Community, the renewal of religion that in part accepts the work of Rudolf Steiner and celebrates the traditional seven sacraments in renewed form.  Steiner’s work is referred to here and there in this  book, but I think even if that is not your worldview you will find much sensitive food for thought in this book.

This is not a huge book, about 191 pages total.  There are 24 chapters in this book including:   Setting out, Being a complete person, How am I doing?, Openness, The dynamic of affection, Friendship, The wonder of the soul, Helps and hindrances, Soul-mating, Forging bonds, It takes work to be social, Feeling, Not for myself, The way of love, Exploring the feminine, On being a man, Confiding, Sexuality:  a very personal matter, Creation or recreation?, The question of marriage, The music of marriage, Difficulties and challenges, From rapture to rupture, The community of the future.

The author begins this book with the description that there are “warm places in every person’s soul” that can be filled with feeling for others, and those others have awareness of these feelings.  How then do we become able to master interacting and communicating with others in harmony?  How do we relate to ourselves and how do we use this as the basis for relating to others?  How do we harness and tame anger and anxiety in our interactions with others?

One of my favorite parts of the book is about friendship.  On page 37, the author writes, “A friend is a person who is prepared to suffer in support of you:  to suffer for you and sometimes even to suffer because of you.  Your friend will give you space within his soul, and carry you in this space.” 

Another of my favorite ideas from this book is that relating to one another is a discipline and how feelings are part of our emotional life but feeling (as in willing, feeling, thinking) “is a stream of spiritual force that enters our soul when we are at peace with ourselves and with the world around.” 

There are some wonderful lists peppered through this book; the nine things for success in relating to others comes to mind as well as the 22 causes of possible break-down in a marriage.

The author talks about the crisis at age 28 that many people go through, adjusting to the first pregnancy,  infidelity and divorce and much more.

All in all a very interesting read! Has anyone out there also read this book and have any comments on it to share?

Here is a link to it on Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Friends-Lovers-Working-Through-Relationships/dp/0863152678/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1295545806&sr=8-1

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”–Chapters Ten and Eleven

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Chapter Ten takes a look at the epidemic of childhood aggression and its etiology.  The authors start this chapter by pointing out not only the number of rising incidents of violence, the fear adults have in confronting gangs of children or teenagers that was unheard of in the past and the violence of teenagers against each other.  They also point out that aggression is not only limited to attacking each other, but  also includes attacking oneself through self-deprecating remarks, self-hostility, self-harm and suicidal thoughts and impulses.

The key to these unlocking the reason behind these behaviors, the authors contend, is to understand the frustration of unmet attachment needs.  “There  are many triggers for frustration, but because what matters most to children- as to many adults- is attachment, the greatest source of frustration is attachments that do not work:  loss of contact, thwarted connection, too much separation, feeling spurned, losing a loved one, a lack of belonging or of being understood.”  When peers replace parents, frustrations mount even higher for a variety of reasons discussed within the chapter.

On page 133 the authors write that despite frustration,  “it is not a given that frustration must lead to aggression” (which, by the way, I am so glad the authors put that in there because that was exactly what I was thinking!)  They go on to say, “The healthy response to frustration is to attempt to change things.  If that proves impossible, we can accept how things are and adapt creatively to a situation that cannot be changed.  If such adaptation doesn’t occur, the impulses to attack can still be kept in check by tempering thoughts and feelings – in other words, by mature self-regulation.” 

A part of this chapter is subtitled “How Peer Orientation Foments Aggression” and cites three ways peer orientation contributes to aggression. Overall, peer orientation seems to dilute a child’s natural apprehensiveness and caution.  Emotional self-numbing is a goal of many peer oriented children and combined with the intake of alcohol can lead to aggression. 

Chapter Eleven is entitled “The Making of Bullies and Victims” and begins with the thought that whilst bullying has always been around, it has recently reached epic proportions in that a quarter of all US middle-school children (grades 6,7,8 for my foreign readers)were either perpetrators or victims of bullying.

The authors cite the lack of adult attachment for these children and note bullying can be reproduced in animal studies where the generational hierarchy is destroyed.  One of the studies the authors cite involve a group of monkeys in which they are separated from adults and raised by each other with the result being self-destructive and aggressive behavior.

The authors distinguish that some children are “psychologically set” to become bullies before peer orientation sets in.  They look at situations that may foster a child’s longing and drive to be dominant over peers in the absence of attachment, including:

  • The child was hurt or abused whilst in a dependent role.
  • The parent has failed to give the child a secure sense that there is a “competent, benign, powerful” adult in charge.
  • The parents has failed to attach to the child.
  • The parent puts the child in charge and in the lead and “looking to them for cues how to parent.”
  • The parent does everything possible to make everything work for the child in order to avoid upsetting the child.
  • The parents gives many choices and explanations “when what the child really needs is to be allowed to express his frustration  at having some of his desires disappointed by reality, to be given latitude to rail against something that won’t give.”
  • Parents are not present for children due to being preoccupied with stress.
  • Parents are too passive, too needy or too uncertain to “assert  their dominance” and the children move into the position of being dominant.

The authors also have an intriguing section in this chapter on “The Unmaking Of A Bully” in which they assert that “the bully’s only hope is to attach to some adult who in turn is willing to assume the responsibility for nurturing the bully’s emotional needs.” 

I will stop there but encourage those of you reading along with me to leave a comment as to what you thought about these two chapters…

Many blessings,

Carrie

Part Two of “Contemplating Homeschooling For Waldorf Kindergarten”?

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I think it is a sign of our times that I see mothers getting so very anxious, so very worked up about what to do, what curriculum to use for their three, four and five year olds, even in a Waldorf-inspired environment.

Please don’t.

Your main job with small children under the age of first grade (six and a half or seven) is to have a healthy home life and to do your own inner work and personal development in order to help set the tone for that healthy, joy-filled home life.

You might be wondering how to get started on inner work and personal development.  I have encouraged mothers over and over to really look carefully at discerning a spiritual path and to get involved in the DOING of an active spiritual life at a place of worship with a community. This is so important for your children as they grow, especially heading into the grades. 

Some parents have told me they have no idea what spiritual path to even try.  I suggest talking to your partner or spouse about your spiritual leanings or desires and comparing notes.  Possibly then you could make a shorter list of possible spiritual matches and go visiting alone or together as a couple  if it is hard to visit different places each week with small children in tow.  Sometimes the visiting process is confusing to small children, and discerning where you need to be as a family is important to do alone or as a couple and then involve the small children. Of course, with older children, visiting as a family can be a lovely experience.

A spiritual path can help direct your prayer life, your meditative life, your hours of the day and the festivals of the year.  Many religions have a Daily Office where certain things are prayed at certain hours, and a year of feasts and festivals to deepen one’ walk of faith throughout the cycle of the year. 

I have a large number of Orthodox, Roman Catholic and Anglican readers on this blog, along with quite a few Jewish and Islamic readers (and other spiritual paths!).  Perhaps they could comment as to what has been most meaningful to them on their spiritual path over the years in the comment box.  Not as a religious debate, of course, but as an example of personal journey!

Another way to work with personal development, I think, is to work with the concept of biography.  Where have you been, where are you now, where are you going?  Look at your seven year cycles and where you have been; I have many back posts on the book “Tapestries” on this blog that details each seven-year cycle through adulthood and also the stages of marriage.  You can find them by putting “Tapestries” into this blog’s search engine.  (And with close to 750 detail-packed posts, this blog needs a search engine! Ha!)

Love to all,

Carrie