“Raising A Daughter”

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For those of you who have read Jeanne Elium and Don Elium’s fabulous book, you may be interested in Jeanne Elium’s website and/or consulting service regarding parenting issues as found here:

http://www.jeanneelium.com/index.html

Thanks Jeanne for popping in on this blog!

Carrie

The Battlefield of The Mind: Anger and Parenting

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If we create a battlefield in our mind against our children, then all is lost.  By battlefield, I mean the minute we begin thinking, “My child is doing this on purpose!”  “My child is out to get me and make me miserable!”  “My child knew what they were doing and planned this!”  “My child is just wanting to push each and every one of the buttons I have!”   Keep reading to find out the implications of what I mean by that!

Mamas, I have been there and done that and I would like to share something with you that I have learned:  If we create a us versus them mentality in our mind and in our attitude before we even open our mouths, then we have lost.

We have lost the opportunity to warmly hold the space for our children, we have lost the moment to guide in peaceful energy the behavior we would like our child to show, we have lost the connection between us and our child.

For those of you who follow this blog who believe that childhood development unfolds according to seven-year cycles, the things we think in the moment of anger are then not even logical according to this framework!  To a Waldorf parent, a child under the age of 7 does not view themselves as even separate yet; they cannot at this point “do” something to “you”  because that separation from you does not yet exist.  To a Waldorf parent, a child under the age of 7 is truly not logical, does not pre-meditate and pre-plan.  Yes, they do test boundaries.  But it is most likely more spur of the moment rather than pre-planned!

For those of you who follow this blog who are attachment parenting, to you I would say that one of the foundations of loving guidance is putting respect and empathy at the core of your parenting.  Look at the situation and your child’s needs through  your more experienced life lenses ( and no, you do not have to use words to ASK them all this!  You are the wonderful, smart, intelligent adult who can figure this out without asking them!)  What did they need in that moment where they were doing something different than what you expected or wanted?  Did they need food, a break, something to do, guidance as to what was acceptable in the house or not, your attention, sleep?

And most  importantly, once this occurs and we are feeling angry, can we step back and find our needs underneath the anger?  Why are we so darned angry anyway?  Maybe we need respect, peace, quiet, a chance to sit down?

Can you take a breath and change the scenery?  Can the child make restitution, make a “healing action” to make the situation right again after everyone has calmed down?  Restitution is a very important part of parenting.  It shows the child that we all can make mistakes, but it is what we do with the mistake that is most important.

Most of all, no guilt trips on the child.  They don’t understand the extent of the emotions you are feeling, they really don’t understand all the words you are using, and all they feel is your anger.  Less words, more breathing, more warmth, more action toward the positive.

For you to meditate on is this concept of POSITIVE INTENT.  What could possibly be the positive intent behind this situation, behind this interaction?  Can I see it this way?

Because if you continue to play out the battlefield in your mind, the last person standing will be you with all the children around you out of the connection in the game.

Enjoy your children, find the joy.  You can do this!

Love,

Carrie

Waldorf Guilt

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So many times when we find a new way of doing things in our homes and in our lives, we look back at what we were doing in the past  and say, “Wow!  I can’t believe that I thought that was the right way to do things!  I can’t believe that is how we did things in our house and in our homeschool and in our lives!”  We feel guilty that we didn’t do the things then that we are doing now.  Many times we especially feel guilty about the path we walked with our older children and how we feel our younger children are getting a benefit the older ones never had.  How do we go back?

We cannot reverse time.  You were just as good a mother then as you are  now, it is just now you have different information and a different framework with which to base decisions on.   You may now have a different way of looking at the grades and at childhood now, and that is okay. 

Instead of ravaging yourself with guilt, which truly doesn’t help any household to be more peaceful, try to congratulate yourself on the steps you are taking today to bring your household into more peace, more joy and more love.  You may find yourself living with more order, but also more FUN!  (Which many people think must be a contradiction in terms before they come to Waldorf!)

Look at your baby steps and how far you have come.  See this post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/13/baby-steps-to-waldorf-rhythm/

If you find you are getting swallowed up by Waldorf and the need for “Waldorf perfection” try this extremely popular post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/12/hopeless-with-waldorf/

Most of all, enjoy this journey, this precious time with your family and your children. You cannot get this time back, and look at what a wonderful job you are doing moving forward!

Be proud of who you are, how far you have come, love yourself and your family.

Much love to you and yours,

Carrie

Fathers and Daughters: Part Two

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In our last post we looked at the role of daughters who are ages birth through 7.  Today let’s look at further ages!

Age 8-14

  • Dads are VERY important during this time to many girls, so hopefully the foundation for a close father-daughter relationship was laid during the first seven years.
  • Daughters really want to be with their fathers and have his undivided attention.  They can be very interested in Dad’s work and what hobbies he enjoys.
  • They also want to be able to be authentic around their fathers, and to not have to be always happy or never  be angry around their fathers.  Emotional availability is important to girls.
  • Daughters need the genuine praise and love of  their fathers.
  • They need dad to help them follow through on family rules (and the rules need to be reasonable and clear).
  • They want to be included in their father’s world and do things with their father.
  • The practical management of money is one area where  many fathers take over the teaching with good results.  Another area may be sports, whether this may be team sports or individual sports.  I know families where dad coaches the team sport, and I know families where the whole family takes karate together.  It is not that mothers cannot teach their children in these areas, but these are areas where I have seen other families have success with spending time and guiding their daughters, and areas mentioned that dads may have success in the book, “Raising A Daughter.”
  • Dads really can impact how girls transition into adolescence.  A great time for Daddy-Daughter dates if that has not already been happening!
  • Dads usually are also great people to start teaching a 10 or 12 year old and up how to set goals and plan strategy!  Again, not that mothers cannot, but this may be an area where dads really excel!

Ages 14-21

  • In the book “Raising A Daughter”, by Jeanne Elium and Don Elium, they write, “The worst mistake for a father to make at this time in his daughter’s life is to withdraw himself from her, because he does not know how to deal with his own response to her developing sexuality.  Daughters need reassurance from the first man in their lives that these changes they are undergoing are okay, that their father still loves them.”
  • Emotional availability is very important to girls of this age.
  • Fathers can be a big support during this age for setting clear limits.
  • Fathers help teach girls of this age what to expect from a boyfriend or a future husband.
  • Dads need to understand that this an age when the intellect is growing, that the teenager notices the “unfairness” of things and is critically questioning and searching for answers to her questions.
  • Girls may separate less from their parents and families than boys and attempt to make their relationships more authentic, deeper.  They long for connection.  There is more about this important difference between boys and girl adolescents on page 342 of “Raising A Daughter.”
  • A best friend is very important during this time!  I am sure many of us remember this from our own adolescence, and I still see it in the teenaged girls around me.  I recommend from a homeschooling perspective that you work hard to find activities and friends for your daughter during the age range of 8-12 because  it can be difficult for homeschooled teenagers to connect to others during the high school years – some homeschooled children go on to not homeschool during these years, the activities are fewer and involve a broader age range usually (ie, adults may be included in community classes, etc.).  It can be more challenging, so something to think about and plot a course, because it will become important thing for your daughter as she matures and grows.
  • Help your teenager find balance between intellect and physical.
  • Enforce the family – as homeschoolers we typically do not have a problem with this, but other families may so it is worth mentioning. It is okay to take a family vacation and not bring along your child’s friends.
  • Hook your daughter up with mentors in career fields she is interested in, or even with other adult women that you trust and know for things such as gardening, baking, etc.
  • Encourage all work toward an achievement.  That is important to recognize the process, not just the result!
  • This is a time to talk and negotiate (and if you are doing this in the younger years, you are putting the cart before the horse! Please stop!)  Discuss in private away from friends, younger siblings.  This is important to an adolescent!
  • Dad really needs to be open emotionally to his daughter and involved in his daughter’s life.  He also needs a fulfilling relationship with his spouse or partner to really model this for his daughter. Work on your relationship together!
  • Help your teenaged get involved in volunteering, whether that it through a place of religious worship, in your neighborhood, or through a service organization.
  • Watch your daughter carefully for the plagues of the modern teenaged years – eating disorders, sexual abuse by a boyfriend or others, suicide, cutting and get help from professionals as your daughter needs it.

Hope this list was helpful, not only to dads, but to all of you.  I highly recommend Jeanne Elium and Don Elium’s, “Raising A Daughter.”  This book is highly compatible with both attachment parenting and Waldorf perspectives, and will truly make you think.  It is well-worth the money, and you can also try your local library and see if it is there.

Peace,

Carrie

Fathers and Daughters: Part One

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Fathers have a profound affect on their daughters.  Fathering impacts what kind of relationships our daughters have as they grow, and helps daughters deal with and balance the masculine and feminine elements in life.  Fathering is so important!

How can we nurture the relationship between fathers and daughters?  Here are a few thoughts for the first seven year cycle.

Birth to Age 7

  • Let dads do something!  So many mothers I see don’t really get dads involved, or if the dad tries to do something, the mother says the dad is “doing it wrong”.  If mom stays at home some families seem to see child-rearing as the sole job of the mother.  Yet, if dads are involved from the beginning of the child’s life  it becomes much easier to maintain an open and  loving relationship through the changes that menstruation and the teenaged years bring.   Many dads at this stage feel estranged and distanced by their daughter’s budding sexuality, so helping Dad build a close relationship in these early years can be a big help in the later years where daughters need to be emotionally open and treated well by the “first man” in their life.
  • Recognize that  Dad is NOT going to do it the way you do it, and that is OKAY.  They – the father and the daughter – will find their own way TOGETHER.  Their relationship is not your relationship with your daughter and nor should it be.  You married this man because you loved him, allow him to also be a parent!  Trust him!
  • If you are breastfeeding, there are still lots  of things dad can do to be involved with the baby.  This includes walking the baby around , singing to the baby, holding the baby, changing diapers, giving baths, feeding solid foods when that time comes and taking care of you so you can nurse the baby you created together.
  • Work on your own relationship with dad!  Girls within the ages of 0-7 are absorbing impressions about how relationships within the family work and about marriage as well.
  • Let Dad participate in doing fun things with his child, as I mentioned above – don’t expect dad to step into the highly charged emotional situations without having built love and trust first in spending some fun together.
  • However, don’t let dad do just all the fun things….. let dad handle the child crying and dealing with the child when the child is upset.  The child will learn that dad is as adept and marvelous as you are with handling things, and that dad really can handle things without mom there!  And yes, moms, you may have to leave sometimes or have father-daughter leave the house in order to foster and nurture their relationship without you in the way.  Many mothers say their three or four year old dislike being with dad and run to them to fix everything if the mother is anywhere in the vicinity – I hate to sound awful, and this may come around as the child gets older, but the best time for a dad and daughter to build a relationship is earlier, not later.  It is NOT attachment mothering it is attachment PARENTING.  It took two of you to make this baby, trust that dad can do this!  If dad has not built up a bank of love and care with his child before the age of 3 or 4 or 5, it can still happen but it will take consistent work and dedication.
  • Sit down together and talk with dad about his ideas regarding  such things as gentle discipline, the role of outside time, what kind of toys does he think a girl should have, television and other media, family health, family holidays and how you will celebrate them, how dad envisions the rhythm of the family, family chores, and the big issues of things such as spirituality and how spirituality and religion play into your lives everyday.  Figure out these things together!  Have a family mission statement. 
  • Dads need to give their babies and their  little girls their time, and their attention.  Little girls like to know dad is not only with them physically, but paying attention.  As your daughter grows, consider “daddy-daughter” dates or “daddy-daughter” breakfasts weekly so their relationship can continue to be nurtured and grow.
  • Dad can be a wonderful person to have humor when mother-daughter tensions run high; dad can be a wonderful person to be part of the united front of loving guidance and teaching boundaries within the home to a daughter in a loving way. 
  • The book “Raising A Daughter” by Jeanne Elium and Don Elium has this to say on page 267:  “Adjustment studies of children raised with three different parenting styles – the authoritative (NOTE here by Carrie:  NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH authoritarian, rigid and strict style of parenting), the democratic and the laissez-faire- showed surprising outcomes.  Authoritative parents make the rules, offer few choices, and expect their children to follow family principles.  Democratic families operate from a place of fairness, consider how other members feel, offer lots of choices, and place high value on cooperation.  Children whose parents are laissez-faire, are allowed to believe whatever they wish and to behave according to their own whims.  This long-term study found that children raised in laissez-faire fashion grew up to have difficulty cooperating and getting along with others.  Those from democratic families found it hard to make decisions as adults.  Those raised by authoritarian parents were the most well-adjusted adults, able to make decisions, follow rules, and cooperate with others.”  So if dad tends toward harsh and punitive, or just rather jelly-fish-ish, perhaps these are areas you can explore together!
  • For the first seven years, the Eliums recommend a style of parenting with few choices, limited media, using gentle physical help to guide a child as opposed to lots of words, and to look at our daughters from a place of kindness and understanding.  Sound like Waldorf to me, and like so many of the posts I have written on here to STOP TALKING and START DOING.  Help dad to know how to use your environment, your rhythm, stable patterns of sleep and eating and being firmly entrenched in the home.  Stop over-explaining to your three, four, five and even six and seven year old.  Let Dad in on this secret!  Let him help you, model it for him, talk about it when it comes up, get on the same page!  But don’t nag, because nagging truly doesn’t work.  Parenting is a process, and many mothers want to parent as if they are alone – there are two of you, and both of you have to be comfortable.  Talk with each other!
  • Know your developmental stages, and especially understand the developmental stages  regarding sexuality,  because for many parents most  of the fears for their little girls revolve around sexual issues.   Talk with dad and decide together how you will handle such common things as “playing doctor”, masturbation by your daughter during the early years as this is common, and how you will handle the possibility of scarier sexual subjects such as molestation and sexual abuse.  Talk about how you will work to protect your daughter’s safety.
  • Talk together about protecting your child’s infancy!   Discuss and provide fun activities for the whole family to do together that meets your needs and family values….But again, give dad the space and time to come up with his own things to do with his child during “their time”.  They will work it out, and your daughter will so benefit from fathering and seeing their parents work as partners and as two separate people who love them very much.

 

Just food for thought,

Carrie

Another Three-Day Challenge: Rediscovering the Joy in Parenting

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I have written a three day challenge in the past that was very, very popular.  You can view that one here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/01/take-my-three-day-challenge/

This week, I am choosing a different focus for a three-day challenge.  I have seen so many mothers who say they like to be home with their kids, they are glad to be there, yet they seem stressed and joy-less.  Everything is extremely serious in their household, everything is taken very seriously.

So, for the three days of your choosing this week, let’s try to combat this.  Here are some thoughts to get you going:

How many times a day do I respond to my child with HUMOR?

How many times a day do I SMILE at my child and either give my child a hug, a pat on the back or HOLD my small child?

How many times a day do I let something that is not the essential part of our family life slide?  (In other words, do I know what the essential is in our family?  See the post on writing a family mission statement for help here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/ ).  This is just about choosing battles.  You cannot save your big reactions for the big things if every single thing is  a big thing!

How many times a day do I sit down and have some FUN with my kids?  Do we ever play a game, read together, sing together or make music together, roller skate together, look at stars or something in nature together?

Look for these things this week; you will be a better mother because of it!

Change your thoughts and attitude and change the tone in your household.

Peace,

Carrie

Waldorf: Educating for Excellence

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Waldorf education does provide an academically rigorous education that can take a graduate wherever they want to go, whether that be Harvard or Princeton, to art school, to medical school, or to law school.

People who do not look beyond the Kindergarten Years of Waldorf education typically do not understand the scope and sequence of the curriculum and how invigorating and challenging it is.  The fact that subjects within the grades are taught within active movement, art, rhythm. music, hands-on work, where the active always proceeds the passive writing part, where the curriculum is tailored toward the fact that logical thought doesn’t come into play until the teenaged years (and this is based on a number of psychological studies, not just a bizarre Waldorf notion) is baffling to people who think learning can only take place within workbooks and a group of children the same age sitting together in a classroom.

Donna Simmons wrote several really good posts about the academic rigorousness of Waldorf here:

http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2007/09/educating-for-e.html

And here:

http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2009/05/from-norse-myths-to-beowulf.html

Some folks wonder with the delayed start to academics how children ever “catch up”.  In this regard, Waldorf education has something in common with our friends the unschoolers.  A friend of mine was telling me a story about her friend who has grown children who now have Master’s degrees in technically demanding fields – engineering, etc.  The foundation the mother had provided was lots of creative play, going to the museum (and NOT dissecting everything there, just LOOKING!  What a novelty!)  The children learned to read around the age of 11, and essentially “caught up” in reading and mathematics to their grade level and beyond in SIX MONTHS.

I liken the fact that the Waldorf curriculum is so precisely orchestrated, everything does build on each other, starting in the Kindergarten (and yes, those sensorial experiences are the hands-on basis of science and other subjects as the child moves on).  Look at the curriculum and see the in-depth choices that make up the curriculum.

Donna Simmons pointed out to me the other day that the Classical movement is based upon being academically rigorous and I would add somewhat more “serious” schooling, modeling off a Greek style of education…….The Greeks did not start formal education until the change of teeth and relied on movement, rhythm, and other elements to bring the learning in.  Sounds an awful lot like Waldorf to me!  Investigate, and do not blindly believe!

Waldorf works because it is a support of the unfolding that is there within the child.  My mother-in-law remarks that almost every four, five, six year old she has taught in her million years of teaching is “bright”.  However, the truly gifted children come out later, around the ages of 9-11, the children who truly can take the concepts learned, manipulate those concepts and come up with something new.  In my opinion, Waldorf builds the very best foundation for that.  Einstein thought fairy tales was the basis of being a better scientist.  There is a reason for that.

I fully expect my children to go and do whatever it is they want to do when they are grown, and if they want to go to a top-rated University, they will have the skills to do it.  However, Waldorf will allow things to unfold in its own time without burning them out academically  by the time they are 8 or 9.

Be careful with the educational choices you make in your homeschool; your homeschool can be anything you want it to be, but please keep in mind the developmental stages of childhood and how children learn best – they don’t learn the same way a 40 or 50 year old would learn because they are not 40 and 50 years old.  Just food for thought today.

Peace,

Carrie

Let’s Finish Up “Tapestries”: Ages 56-63

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No, life does not end at age 63, but for the purposes of our study we will be stopping here.  Betty Staley entitles this chapter, “Getting Older, Getting Better?  The Active Years: 56-63.”

She mentions some of the more salient points regarding this life phase:

We have a new-found peace, calm and simplicity in this stage.

We are living out the depth of our inner experience and emotional maturity.

We develop enthusiasm in this stage through conscious effort.  “The challenge now is to develop a new kind of idealism, what Steiner calls “achieved or mature idealism.””

Another challenge is to respond with empathy to things instead of with ego.

This is a time to prepare for the later years, but it may not be the time to retire.  Betty Staley recites the studies that correlate death and retirement; for example, the peak in the male death rate is two years after retirement.  Therefore, it is important during this phase to think about one will do after retirement and develop new interests, relationships, social outlets.

Marriage in the late 50s, sixties and beyond has the quality of devotion emerging.  “The love of partners and friends has a depth at this period that can rarely be experienced in earlier years when we are oriented much more towards the outer world.  Appreciation and tolerance also characterise this phase.” (page 236)

Betty Staley has several more chapters in this book, including “Looking Back, A Different Perspective:  Beyond 63” and “The Threshold of Death.”

This is a powerful book, and I hope you all have enjoyed going through the seven year cycles from age 21 onwards. 

Yours till next time,

Carrie

Where Do I Go Now?

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What do you do when you realize your method of homeschooling has been more detrimental  than the goodness you thought it was bringing to your child? Or that your child just has tremendous imbalances between their body, their head, their social and emotional skills?   I am talking about parents of very,very bright children who were reading at age three fluently, the very smart child who is so incredibly “gifted”, the children who are so ahead of themselves and so logical…..

Until the parent begins to notice that this very bright child can relate to no one of his own age at all.  That the child has poor gross motor skills.  That the child is only drawn to books and textbooks and such.  That this child has very little creative ability, is very serious, has difficulty playing.  That the child seems very in their head, worried about adult things, in fact seems more like an adult than not…..

In my experience many of these children do  feel isolated, depressed, anxious – and they are still children and whether they can verbalize it or not, they are looking to you to take the lead, to make it better.  They are still small, they still need your protection.

And the parent is thinking now this child is 7,8 or 9, what to do, what to do?  Can Waldorf education help this child?

My first recommendation is this:  Call one of the national Waldorf consultants for a consultation.  This is important, because  sometimes you are dealing with an out of the ordinary situation, not just where the child is coming in late to Waldorf, which also may have its own challenges, but there may be therapeutic issues to be dealt with.   Here is the link with all the names of consultants I know:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/03/waldorf-consultants/

My second recommendation is to look at yourself!  This will take hard work, change, motivation, being matter of fact and peaceful with your child as things change and they complain about the change!  Can you:

1. Stop talking and putting adult decision making on them?   Do not ask them if they want to “do Waldorf homeschooling.”  It is not their choice at this point.  They should have completely limited choices at this point on life issues.  They already have had enough pressure and the decision making process has worked on their psyche to the point where they are no longer children.  Help them reclaim their childhood by being the Authentic Leader in your home. You set the tone right now.

2.  Can you read some of Steiner and really penetrate what teaching first, second or third grade is  about?  What level these children are normally at in these grades in Waldorf? And there is more than academics at stake here – where are they gross motor wise, emotionally, socially, artistically, fine motor wise?     It is probably going to be very different than what you are used to.    Can you be okay with that while you take a year to heal and to shift toward balance?

3.  Can you be okay with balancing the child without the use of textbooks in these early grades, with the use of outside time, hiking, gardening, being in nature without identifying trees and bushes to death?  Woodworking, knitting, dyeing things, having an aquarium without all the plant and fish identification, having an art farm or worm farm, looking at the stars with the naked eye with Native American legends and stories as the backdrop would all be healing.  Apple picking, berry picking, making jelly, going to the zoo and aquarium (without writing reports or taking one of the those damned nature journals around with them to draw and identify everything by the latin name? just looking and being and seeing how those animals move), swimming, singing and jumping rope would all be very healing.

4.  Can you show them how to play by setting up stations for playing in your home?  Most eight year old girls still like to play with dolls.  Maybe your child has forgotten how to play!  Copious outside time will help.  Can you set up a woodworking bench, a knitting area, a sewing area, an area for art?  Can you work on some handwork yourself for an hour in the afternoons and set up that model, that expectation for your son or daughter?

5.  Think about warmth – less words, stop explaining, can you show your delight in your child WITHOUT words at all?  Smiles, hugs, fun!  Can you as a family go and have fun?  Hiking, ice skating, roller skating, picnics, – is this child’s seriousness coming from you?  This child is small and needs to be joyous!

6.  Think about early bedtimes, consistent meal and snack times with warm food.  Lots of fresh air and fresh unprocessed foods.

7.  Bring in stories to heal your child’s soul – fairy tales, legends, nature stories, stories from your childhood and from when your child was very, very small.  Lots of storytelling.  Remember, the academics in Waldorf can be adjusted to where your child is, but the stories for each grade is designed for the child’s soul development.  And while we would want to focus on what a child needs for that age, and not go backward, I see nothing wrong with lighting a candle and telling a fairy tale at night to a third grader!  Adults love fairy tales too!

8.  Can you bring in music?  The joy of having music as a family?  This is so important.

9. Can you make a big deal about preparing for festivals where school does not go on as usual?  Festival preparation is an integral part of life for the Early Grades child.

Your Waldorf consultant will have other suggestions based upon your child’s needs.  Waldorf is a healing method of education, but it takes commitment and a matter of fact peaceful kind of energy.

Peace and may goodness go with you,

Carrie

Does Your Child Know What Is Best?

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Okay, nationally syndicated family psychologist John Rosemond and I do not agree most of the time when I read his column and approach.  (Sorry, Mr. Rosemond, I am not sure if this is because of a gender gap or a generational gap or what).  But, as I read his column in my local newspaper  this past Saturday, I had to agree with him.

Here is something he wrote that I think is excellent food for thought for today’s parents:

“A child, lacking farsightnedness, does not know what is in his best interest.  He is apt to prefer that which is bad for him and reject that which is good for him.  His parents and teacher must provide the restraint and direction he cannot provide himself.

Proper restraint and direction are essential to turning the anti-social toddler into a disciple who will trust and look up to his parents, follow their lead and subscribe to their values.  And “proper” means with lots of love.  (My bolded added), (and yes, I wince I bit with the whole “proper restraint “ phrasing but do read on and here is the punchline……).

…..In this regard, all too many of today’s parents are trying to pull the horse with the cart.  They think discipline is all about shaping proper behavior by manipulating reward and punishment.  That’s not discipline; that’s behavior modification.  Discipline is the process by which a child is taught to think properly.  A child who thinks properly will behave properly, but the converse is not true.  A child who only learns what behaviors are appropriate to what situation may become nothing more than a clever manipulator.”

He goes on to say, that in effect, until the child’s values are formed, the child has to be guided and directed.

Okay, so I don’t always agree with Mr. Rosemond’s wording, but I agree in some sense with the spirit of what he wrote.

There are several  challenges  that I see with parents and their attempts at guiding their children  today. One is that parents frequently over-explain themselves and in essence try to guide their three, four, and five year old by speaking to them in  they way they should be speaking to a ten year old.  It is a real problem that I see.  The explanation is essentially, many times, not just a reason for doing or not doing something, in a short sentence,   but in essence a long debate trying to garner the child’s agreement with what the parent needs instead of just being kind, being gentle, but sticking to what the parent said in the first sentence.  The children  really don’t need the essay!  It does not mean you are not loving, kind and gentle – but you can do this without so many words!  Be warm, use humor, SMILE!    I know you can!

The other challenge that I see is that parents have no grasp on developmental stages.  “Why won’t they listen?”  “When do they understand no?”   comes up all the time on the gentle discipline boards I am on for children under the age of 7!    Waldorf understands this so well, and has so many gentle techniques to assist in non-wordy guidance for your small  child.

You must have the gentle, physical presence and follow through with a small child, and even for the very ephemeral, short-memory, easily distracted seven year old.  Steiner’s stages of development were right on, and if we think of seven and eight year olds at at the beginning of a new stage and  not so much as the “old school aged” children we will do much better.

The last challenge I see is the reluctance of parents to set any boundaries at all.  There has to be boundaries, as this is the only way we can all function in a household together, and boundaries help a child learn how to function in the society we live in where it will not be all about them.    And guess what, because you are the parent, because you have the most experience in life, because you bear more responsibility for the things that happen in your household, you get to set the boundaries.  Step up to the plate and set the boundaries in a loving way!

None of this means we don’t listen to our child, that our child doesn’t have input, that our child is not loved and cherished.  But it does mean that we understand the process by which a child develops, that we understand the process by which a child develops values and develops morality is not all at once, and we cannot speed up this developmental process by talking a child’s ear off anymore or providing punishments and rewards any more than we can speed up when they are mature and capable enough to drive a car.

A few thoughts,

Carrie