Parenting Exhaustion!

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I think many parents look back at the baby and toddler years fondly and say things like, “If only my teenager’s problems could be solved by a nice warm bath”  “If only I could distract them with a pail and shovel in the sandbox” but I think these parents have forgotten the sheer physicality that prevails in parenting in these Early Years.

  • It is exhausting to change a baby’s diaper when they hate it and are crawling away (or when they are a toddler, running away!)
  • It is exhausting to chase your toddler down the street because they left the park.   Again.  With a baby on your hip and an older child racing beside you.
  • It is exhausting when you have literally saved your toddler from death about fifty times in one day despite the fact you have “child-proofed” everything in sight.

Just plain tiring.  Nursing, rocking, holding, co sleeping, co bathing, chasing, playing, feeding and starting all over again and again all night and all day.

So here are my Top Secret Super Survival Tips!  (Eh, not so top secret, but doesn’t that sound fun??!)

  • Keep it simple.  Toddlers do not need a lot of excursions, play dates and trips to the store.  Try to run errands later or have someone else do it; if there is one place you go that is repeatedly a problem, for example, a certain park or a store parking lot, then by all means skip going there for awhile.  Only time can add maturity.  It is that simple.  Running away and being chased is just plain fun, and that behavior really can persist until they are five years of age or so.  It is hard to leave when you are having a good time!  Same thing with places with  too many overwhelming choices; I was at the library the other day where a little boy (older toddler, probably close to three)  was just sobbing because his poor Mommy wanted him to choose books and he was completely and utterly overwhelmed!  He probably  would have been happier if she had just stopped at the library herself and brought the books home and snuggled with him.   Trying to be quiet AND not run AND pick books out of what probably looked like MILLIONS of books to him really was not working for this little guy. So I guess what I am saying is, please don’t expect too much too soon!  🙂
  • Understand toddler behavior and developmental ages.  There are so many posts on this blog about each age I can’t even count anymore!  Check them out; there is also a whole listing of baby/toddler posts under the Baby/Toddler header.
  • Have a set of tools for dealing with common toddler behaviors.  See here; this one covers running away in public places and face slapping and other fun behaviors (but also look for an upcoming post): https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/11/common-toddler-challenges-and-how-to-solve-them/
  • Structure the environment; your older baby/ toddler pretty much does need to be with you and under your eye at all times.  Don’t be afraid to put up a gate to block off where your little one needs to be.
  • Continue nursing if you can.  Nursing is a great toddler tool.  “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” is a classic La Leche League book about the nursing toddler; and many  La Leche League groups have Toddler Meetings.  That is a great place to go and get support because everyone is going through what you are going through!  See this link to find a group in your area: www.lalecheleague.org
  • Continue to cultivate use of a sling if your little one will still ride in a backpack.  That really does help during preparation of food and such.  If this child is two or so, they may enjoy helping out with simple chores and running little errands for you around the house (like putting something in the trash, or wiping up a little spill).  They do want to please you, you are not on opposing teams here!
  • Stay away from negative people who tell you that your older baby or toddler is “manipulating” you or “defying” you.  I know this sounds really harsh, and I am sorry, but these people are unfortunately generally  uninformed regarding the development of the brain, childhood psychology and childhood development and just seem to lack a good sense of humor about children to boot!    Please see this post for help: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/
  • Ask for what you need and get help.  Fathers are parents too!
  • Get outside every day.  Babies can crawl on the ground, it really is okay.  Toddlers can toddle.  Good times for all!
  • Work hard on rest, sleep and meal times.  These basic things are very important for small children. There are posts under the Baby/Toddler header regarding sleep.
  • Don’t be afraid to take naps and go to bed when your toddler goes to bed.  This is a short period and it is okay to do that!
  • Stay positive, sing and sing and have finger plays and Mother Goose rhymes at the ready.  Distraction is your number one tool!
  • Here is a post that addressed burn-out and some other intensive mothering issues:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/21/day-number-five-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

The last major tip I have is to think of these Early Years in this way:   most of us are in at least our fourth or fifth seven year cycle of life (look at those back posts on the Tapestries book, it was very interesting!), and these little ones are only in the beginning of their first.  It is very hard for us in general to enter this consciousness of the toddler.  Many times we give it way too much adult weight!  It takes a lot of practice, and  the more you can think humor and play and love, the less stressful the toddler years become! 

With joy,

Carrie

Looking For Waldorf Blogs

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Hi all!  I am looking for first through fourth grade Waldorf Blogs.  If you are having an adventure through one of those grades and posting activities of what you are working on, please leave your blog in the comment box below so others may find you!

Thank you!

Many blessings,

Carrie

New Christian Curriculum

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Here is a new curriculum from the wonderful Orthodox Christian mothers whose blogs I often read:

http://evlogia.typepad.com/letters/

(Update 12/10 — a kind mother pointed out to me this link is not working…here is the most up to date website I have:  http://evlogiaonline.com/.  Update 8/2014 – these links are not working.  I believe the author has a new blog no longer focused on this curriculum and the work of this curriculum has been picked up by a different Orthodox mother.  I think if you run a search you should be able to track it down).

This is a Orthodox Christian curriculum with some elements we find in Waldorf Education.  The authors have been working on this for awhile, and now it is officially “unveiled”.  I like how they showed so much honor to teaching through art, and their opening story of turning seven and being ready for more formal learning.  Very inspiring, and I hope helpful to some of you out there!

I am always on the look out for the names of any curriculums that are Christian with some alliance with the principles of Waldorf education, or any other religious affiliation with Waldorf elements, because mothers ask…It would be nice to have a resource here with a listing.  I know Judaic and Islamic families who  are also searching for a more tailored Waldorf curriculum. 

A few other Christian with Waldorf element kinds of curriculum/special occasion ideas:

http://ebeth.typepad.com/serendipity/along-the-alphabet-path-1.html

And Annette at Seasons of Joy’s wonderful Advent ebook:

http://naturalfamily.50megs.com/custom2_1.html

Please leave a comment!  I also know some of you have strong spiritual beliefs and have beautiful blogs, please feel free to leave those in the comment box as well.   🙂

Thank you for helping your fellow mothers and for everyone supporting each other,

Carrie

Renewal: Relationship With Your Spouse

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Almost every month I write a post on this topic, but it is so important it bears repeating every month!  How are you and your spouse doing?  Are you strong and unified and having fun or are things tense and battle-like?

Here are some questions/ ideas for this month: 

  • What is the one little nice thing you do for your spouse each and every day in front of your children?
  • When is the time you and your spouse get to sit down and have a conversation?
  • How often are you intimate?
  • How often do you compliment your spouse?  I have read studies (who does these?) that men need an average of ten compliments a day.  Do you even come close to that?
  • How often do you laugh together?
  • How is the work around the house shared by both of you?
  • How often are you plain in asking your husband what you need?  My husband often says to me, ” Honey, just tell me what you need and I will help you!  Even after almost 18 years of marriage, I can’t read your mind!”  Yep, men are not generally mind-readers!
  • What do you and your spouse love to do together?
  • What does your family do spiritually together?  Does your husband say a blessing over your meal?  Is there some special way your children see both of you honor spirituality in your home?

I do not think it is necessary to leave your baby or a toddler who has separation anxiety at home whilst you go out to “have time together.”  Your children grow up so quickly, it really is a short time.  Have a date at home after you put the children to bed!  If your children are older and you have trusted family, how about a morning or afternoon date – many times that is much more successful than going out in the  evening until the children are older…

I think the other important thing to consider in the midst of this topic of renewal with your spouse is renewal with yourself!  If you are feeling close to burned out, this is important to consider.

Just a few thoughts tonight.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Sibling Fighting

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This post is geared toward children aged 7 or 8 and their younger siblings…Sometimes it can seem as if there is bickering or fighting much of the day, especially when the younger child hits about 4 or 5.

What to do?

Here are a few thoughts, in no particular order:

1.  Always go back to looking at your rhythm; are you holding the space enough?  Are you present enough?  Many times when the children are just playing all day, they need something more structured to hang their hat on for a bit, and then some time of free play, and then something with a bit more structure.  The “structured” part doesn’t have to be anything insane; perhaps you all go for a walk together, play salt dough molding or crayoning together; perhaps you all cook something together.  Just something where you, as the parent, are involved and engaged and present.

2.  It is difficult to leave small children unsupervised; if you are in the kitchen baking and they are in their room playing, things may go well or they may not.  It may be worth it to think through what your thoughts are as to where the children can and cannot be when you are doing something; it may force you to look at the usage of space in your home such as do you have an area in which they can play in the kitchen?  How can you be present with them?  What part do they have in your work?

3.  Outside time.  I cannot stress the importance of outside time enough.

4.  Who is in a stage of developmental disequilibrium and what do they need to function best?  More rest, more outside time, more one on one time with you?  How are they eating and what are they eating?

5.  They may not be able to “work it out”.  Children under the age of 9 are pretty immature when it comes to “working it out” (sometimes mature first-born girls can be an exception and be fair).  You need to be there to help.  And to be helpful, you cannot judge what is going on.   You can distract, re-direct, and listen!

6. If this is usually  happening around dinner time, here are some suggestions and pick and choose what resonates with you:  start dinner earlier in the day with a crock pot or by at least doing prep work for dinner after lunch; make sure dinner is not too late; look at what activities are occurring around dinner time and can those be moved at all so you are not rushed; and here is the biggie:  ALL HANDS ON DECK!  Everyone eats, so everyone should be helping to get dinner ready, to set the table, to take out the scraps to the compost pile, and everyone should be helping to clear the table and do the dishes.  Chores are often the least-used method of guiding family bickering, and yet doing chores whilst you are PRESENT (NO SENDING A FOUR OR FIVE OLD OFF TO DO CHORES ALONE!) is one of the most effective methods of keeping everyone out of trouble.  🙂

7. Respect how your children feel in the moment, but DON’T read too much  into it and think their future relationship as adult siblings is going to be permanently marred by this single interaction…  Children are going to say they hate their brother or sister.  Try to help your child move forward with a hug and warmth and “Wow, that is so hard.  Something he/she did really upset you!”  Don’t add a whole lot of words into it for them either. Sometimes just saying it, and getting it out is enough.    “You REALLY didn’t like that!”     “That really bothered you!”

You can always “fall back” on a “house rule”, but this means you must have “house rules.”  Things that just are not acceptable in your family.  What are those things?  For those of you with tiny one and two year olds who are the oldest child in the family, you are MODELING those house rules for them more than just saying words and expecting them to obey your words.

8.  For those children who are a bit older and have a steady stream of complaints, you have a right to not hear all of it!  Sometimes we are just “full”, we have heard them and we will carry their feelings with us but now it is time to peel the carrots, etc.    See if you can involve them in physical work with their hands!  I have also  moved on into repetitive chores and told my kids they could draw it or go outside and tell the trees or tell the dog, but I was full for the moment. (PS, and to get your children to do this on their own, you may have to model it for them when YOU are angry! LOL). I tell them I will be ready to discuss it again after “X” but not right now.

9.  Listening is the best cure. Judging doesn’t help; most at likely you don’t know the little one was torturing the bigger child (or vice versa) up until this incident happened. With the children closer to nine, take up a pencil and write all the complaints down and read it back to them.  Don’t judge it, just read it back.  Sometimes they just want to be sure you heard them.

10.  Check out what kind of language or name-calling goes on in your house.  I have seen husbands and wives call each other some pretty nasty things when they were upset.  There should be a rule of being polite across the board, and when someone is angry, that person needs to chill out before we can even discuss the problem. Discussing things in the heat of anger rarely, if ever, solves anything, because no one can be calm or rational or discuss anything.  So see how you and your husband handle being irritated and angry. 

11. Are you comparing your children?  Again, not helpful and often leads to incredible resentment.  With older children, you can describe what you see.  With younger children, stop using so many words.  You also describe what you think the child would be feeling, such as “You must be proud of the picture you drew!” for the older child.

12.  Fair and equal can be very, very important.  Try to stress what the individual child needs.  “So you are hungry and would like more?” in response to the wailing of “He got two more apples slices than me!!”

13.  Stop labeling.  Those of you with only two children, please erase the “big boy” or “big girl” and “baby” terms.  Children move forward, regress and run the gamut in between.  Accept where they are….

I am sure I will think of more to say later; but that is not a bad start.

Blessings,

Carrie

Looking For Your Discipline Challenges

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What discipline challenges are you currently facing?  I am especially interested in those of you who have babies/toddlers and also those of you who have children who are over the age of eight.  What help do you need with gentle discipline?

Please leave a comment in the comment box if there is a particular concern you would like to see addressed…there really is no question too small because if you have a question about that, I am sure someone else does as well.

I believe as a community of mothers we should all help each other and give back to each other.  Therefore, thank you  for sharing  your “challenging” areas with us, and here’s to future blog posts!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Computer Time

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Ah, managing the beast……

No, I am not talking about my huge dog who is now learning to pull a cart, LOL!  I am talking about  this wonderful tool, this wonderful place to connect and get information, but that which  has the potential to be addicting in a way: our friend the computer!   It’s funny, but I don’t really know anyone my age or younger that has an issue managing watching television, but almost everyone I know has a harder time managing the computer.

I asked some questions in the past about computer usage here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/08/a-vacation-away-from-the-computer/

It is so easy to turn on the computer and get sucked in for hours more than you intended, isn’t it?  All those beautiful Waldorf blogs and all those rabbit trails!  All those things we MIGHT need for future homeschooling grades that we should be storing in files!  And the thing is, when we are on the computer, I think our children can really feel our life forces  just being whisked away from them.  If we are on the computer at night, we are not meditating, praying, reading, or most importantly, giving our husband the attention he deserves.

So, during these forty days of renewal between Easter and Ascension, how about experimenting with some rules of usage for yourself in relation to the computer?

  • You could plan only certain days of the week to be on the computer
  • You could plan to only check it at a certain time of the day.
  • You could plan to cut back and scale back to a few very essential blogs/yahoo groups plus your email to check daily.
  • You could set a timer for when you are on the computer and get off when the timer goes off.

In this forty days of renewal, I would love to hear how all of you are managing your computer time these days. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Commit Yourself to Gentle Discipline

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During this forty days of renewal,  re-commit yourself to gentle discipline!

Look  at your child as this small being who has a completely different consciousness than an adult and work with that child to guide that child and leave everyone’s dignity intact.  Small  children really don’t look at things the same way that you do as an adult, because they do not have logical reasoning.  No matter how verbal they are, they still have a different consciousness than you do as an adult if they are small. 

You are the leader, the guide, on this journey because you have more years of living.    Commit yourself to looking at discipline as guiding instead of punishing.  You are trying to raise a capable, responsible, loving, compassionate adult.  Please do not give them a childhood that lands them distanced from you, please do not give them a childhood where they feel badly for being a child and being immature and making mistakes because that is what all children are and that is what all children do.

Think of connection and attachment as your number one key to discipline.  There are going to be rough spots, places of disequilbrium as your child grows.   Your child is not you, your child is not the psychological extension of you, and this can be painful as your child grows.  But please don’t mistake the fact that a child can have their own mind, their own will, as something that is horrible that should be broken.  You are there to guide and work with this child, not to break this child!

Here are your helpers in the guiding of a small child under the age of six: (these are in no special order).

1. Connection and attachment

2.  A good rhythm with lots of outside time – hours of outside time a day!

3.  A healthy diet and rest and sleep.

4.  Low stimulation

5.  Less words on your part,  more action, more imaginative phrasing than just a direct verbal command.  I wrote a post on using your words like a paintbrush to paint a picture just a few days ago:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/01/talking-in-pictures-to-small-children/

6.  Having the child make restitution for their mistakes if it is fixable

7.  Having realistic expectations for the child’s age.

8.  Warmth toward this child on your part – the more the child is acting out of sorts, the more you need to connect with this child.

9.  The setting of boundaries that are not movable. You can still be gentle and set a boundary.  They are going to push against the rhythm, against the boundary,  and you can still be gentle.

10.  A parental time-out when you need it.

11. Time-in when they need it.  There are quite a few posts on this blog about time-in. 

12.  You taking care of yourself!  A frazzled mommy cannot effectively and gently guide their small child.  Take a breather and slow down. 

13.  The ability to forgive yourself and start over the next minute if you need to.  It is never too late to start over, to collect your child and connect to your child. 

What would you add to this list?  Leave a comment in the box below!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Rhythm

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So, we will be taking these forty days between Easter and Ascension as our time to discuss all things related to the renewal of your life and your family culture.  For today, I want to circle back around to rhythm.

I think many Waldorf homeschoolers are feeling this sense of renewal regarding rhythm!    Melisa Nielsen had a lovely post here about “Rhythm Or Routine”: http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2010/04/rhythm-or-routine.html .   Everything she says is right on!  I especially liked the part where Melisa talks about developing our own will enough to STAY HOME.  When you have children under the age of eight, it is important that you firmly entrench children in the home.  It is important that they learn how to create their own play and fun at home instead of relying on going, going, going, to stimulate themselves and to change their emotions.

In a family, there is a daily rhythm, a weekly rhythm, and a yearly rhythm.  This is there whether you create it or not, so I feel it is worth it to take an intentional look at these areas along with parenting.

The yearly rhythm is celebrated through the festivals of the year and is seen as a yearly process of in-breath and out-breath. How you implement this is up to you, I find it lovely to celebrate with the liturgical year of our church.

For a weekly rhythm, one must decide how many days a week one is going to go outside of your home/yard/neighborhood (because even if we stay home we still go outside for many hours a day!).  This is important for small children, to be home,  and it is also important in homeschooling once you reach the grades..  If you are interested in homeschooling, I would say it is very difficult, if not impossible,  to throw homeschooling on top of a completely chaotic flow of events to the day, and also on top of a chaotic house that is cluttered and dirty.  No, your home does not have to be perfect, we actually live in our houses because we are home!  However, keeping the house up and running is part of the rhythm to it all, and in order to do that, we have to be home.  We need to plan when to get groceries, what to cook,  when to do laundry, when to run errands,  so that not everything is completely last minute.  Therefore, it is never too early, nor too late,  to create a bit of an order or flow that suits your family life.

For a small child, the weekly rhythm includes what PRACTICAL work takes place when and planning on your part regarding HOW they may be included.  In cleaning, can they scrub the bathtub whilst taking a bath?  Can they manually grind a cup of flour to add to more flour to bake bread?  Can they use water to clean the sidewalk whilst you plant flowers? 

For a daily rhythm, this is where one needs to think about the flow of the day for times of in-breath and times of out-breath.  For example, when will rest and meal times will be, and when bedtimes and awake times will be?  If the baby needs a nap, will they sleep in a sling?  If you put them to sleep in a room, where will your older children be and what will they be doing?  When are the outside times and when is it time to tell a story?

But most importantly, how will you show reverence and the sacred parts of life throughout these rhythms of life?  When will there be singing and joy, when will there be silence, when will there be time to go outside and look at one small bug or bird and listen and feel the wind?  Reverence and gratitude is the thread that winds itself through all of these yearly, weekly, and daily rhythms. 

Many blessings during these forty days of renewal,

Carrie

More About Easter in the Waldorf Home

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Mrs. Marsha Johnson wrote about this on her list, for those of you who are not members of list, please go sign up here:  waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com.  This is a lovely perspective on celebrating Easter in the Waldorf Home, even if you are not Christian. 

Here is what Mrs. Johnson wrote:

“As Easter approaches, many people begin to wonder about the role of this festival in their homes….memories of traditional religious practices resurface, concerns about melding two streams of traditions often arise, we wonder about the seemingly cruel aspects to the Christian history of Jesus, affixed to the cross of wood, a far more violent and cruel story than any Grimm’s tale, really.

How do we, as parents and adults in 2010, recognize the fundamental need for the sacred in our lives, in our children, in our communities? A need as deep as hunger, as real as weather, as great as other basic human needs.
Many turn to the voracious maw of the commercial devils, waiting with open grasping bony fingers to take attention and focus into their own mad schemes of materialism and self-gratification…buying gifts, buying toys, buying or even making a literal mountain of things to add into the already present mountain of things that occupy every square inch of giant Mc-Mega style homes. Store windows, mail order, on line, shopping screams at us to purchase our festival happiness and then we sit, in the discarded packaging, wondering where the Normal Rockwell moment went.

Children need to feel the divine, to see the sacred, to experience the feeling that reverence has value, that we can ‘perceive’ the invisible power of the cosmos, that we are held indeed by the larger impossibly infinite unknown, the sacred.

 

How can you help your children, your class, your community to feel this sacred allowance, this space dedicated to the ‘temple’, the room that has been allotted and set aside for the ‘shrine’? Shall we rise above the commercial and the material and create a real home for the sacred in our festivals and in our homes?

 
Yes, we can do this. We can take a small table and cover it with the seasonal colors, for Easter, using soft chick yellows and golds, along with fresh lily purples and whites, and we can drape that small table and add a few elements that remind us of the events hand, times remembered, perhaps a few small wooly lambs, or carefully made beeswax lilies with green leaves, a small vase with a few easter egg bright tulips, some small dishes filled with dirt and wheat grass planted, and a candle, rising, in a small candle holder…here we can place a tiny dish of thorns perhaps taken from the rose bush, along with a few hips left over, bright red, from last fall, that help us visually recall that nothing comes without great striving and challenges in this life, nothing is sewn together without a few pokes from a sharp sticker, we can accept this situation in a visual sense without lengthy verbosity, feeling inherently that the soft wooly lambs and chicks recognize the sharp thorns of the rose….

Creating a special space, and then before supper, to gather in the soft dusky time of eve, to stand before this space and light the candle and quietly speak of old Easters, remembered customs, those people who made it all happen, how it was to find a hand made sugar egg with a scene inside on the table every Easter morning, how it was to rise before sunrise to go to the service on the hill in the dark, how it felt to sit with the Passover table and how grand-dad made everyone laugh with his antics, how sweet the dishes were, how the country home or the city apartment resonated with our love and those loved ones, now out of sight and away in the starry heavens…

Besides the sacred table or corner, you can also create some rhythms with routines that fill that need in your family during these special times of year: a walk through a deep forest at a certain time, a visit to a recognized holy space or shrine, a grotto, a labyrinth, a special geographic location that has meaning in the greatest sense of the world. Holding hands in a circle and saying aloud a small prayer, a verse, a song, a poem, giving space to individual contributions and allowing children to really feel part of such a ceremony will have positive life long consequences.

Bringing love and light to the children, even for a few minutes, is just as important in parenting as are food, shelter, clothing, encouragement, guidance, financial support, and so on. Doing nothing is really a kind of deprivation in my point of view. Take responsibility as the parents of that child or those children and make some decisions about your plan to provide for the sacred and then commit to those traditions and keep them alive for your dear ones.

Not much, really, to do as some kind of onerous task. Just gathering, holding hands, lighting a candle and a simple verse, can allow the child to feel closely held by the eternal arms of the sacred.
Mrs M

Hope you enjoyed that perspective!”

I added the bolded areas; and I hope you too enjoyed that.  It is worth contemplating for the next 40 days, this time of renewal between Easter and Ascension:  what is your spiritual path? How do you show this to your children?  How is the sacred manifested in your life?

Many blessings,

Carrie