Christine Natale’s Musings On Saint Nicholas Day and Starting New Holiday Traditions

Posted on by
33

Christine Natale is well-known to many of you from her wonderful  blog  “Straw Into Gold”, found here:  http://threefoldwaldorf.blogspot.com/ or perhaps you know Christine’s wonderful stories.  She has a new book out on Lulu entitled “Fairy Tales” that you can find here:  http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/fairy-tales/12093029?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1.

Christine was kind enough to share with me an article she wrote about “Playing Saint Nicholas”; I thought it was a wonderful way to jump start your own ideas about creating new and meaningful holiday traditions that may be very, very different than what you have done in the past.

Without further ado, here are her wise words about her experience and a special link to her stories at St. Nicholas Center!

Thank you to Christine Natale for being so willing to share with my readers!  Happy St. Nicholas Day!

How to Play Saint Nicholas

A long time ago (late 70’s) when I was in my Foundation Year in New York, my first husband and I decided we wanted to “do” Christmas in a different way. We had both been raised with the “million presents” under the Christmas tree 1950s/ 60s/ 70s mentality and we knew we didn’t want that anymore.

We came up with our own way and continued it through our ten years together. We didn’t have any children, so we did it for each other, but we always thought it would be very much fun in a bigger family.

The first part is to “play Saint Nicholas” by baking loaves of Nicholas bread (any kind of bread you like – we put candied fruit and nuts in a yeast bread with an icing cross on top). Then we gift wrapped them and attached a card that just said “From Saint Nicholas”. Then we (yes, we really did this!) went out at night on Saint Nicholas Eve (December 5), hung them on people’s doors, rang the doorbell and ran! We never saw any reaction or heard about it at all later, but it was so much fun and adrenaline- pumping just to do! You could, of course give cookies or anything you want to. It was actually more fun than Trick-or-Treating! Many years later, I filled large gift bags with grocery goodies and left them on the doorsteps of some elderly friends. They suspected me, but I wouldn’t confess.

The next part was about our gifts to each other. We put up our tree on Christmas Eve and made a creche scene for under it. That was all – no presents. It was unbelievably hard to see it that way on Christmas morning after our lifelong conditioning, even though we knew what we were going to do!

For the next twelve days, the Twelve Holy Nights, Saint Nicholas left gifts for us!! Really! We never knew where they would pop up or when. One night, we went out to the movies and when we came home, there was a big easel in the living room for me. I never did find out how it got there! All the gifts had tags that said “From Saint Nicholas” and we hotly denied having given them to each other!

The idea, which would work especially well with children, I think, is that no one would really know who gave them the gift! But the person giving it would know, which would make it more fun in some ways for the giver than the receiver. Then, at dinner on Epiphany (Twelfth Night) everyone would have to guess who really gave their gifts and the real “St. Nicholas” would have to confess.

As I said, having grown up with “hoards” under the tree, it was really kind of awful the first year. But it got to be so much fun that we never looked back after that. Presents appeared in the refrigerator, under pillows, in the car, anywhere!

I have had many experiences, first with my own family of origin and then later as a nanny, where the children plow through the pile of presents and then burst into tears when there aren’t any more! It’s an overload and each gift doesn’t mean very much, really. Spreading it out over the Holy Nights makes Christmas last – it’s not all build up and bust. The gifts don’t need to be flashy and expensive (as you already know) and everyone doesn’t get one every day. Again, helping the children make things for each other and the other spouse and figuring out where and when to hide them keeps the momentum going.

One year, I was staying with a family in the Seattle area. I was trying to help a small school starting there and ended up meeting and living with a family of musicians with 4 (then 5) children. It happened that the night of St. Nicholas Eve, Pam and Philip had gone into Seattle to do a concert and I was taking care of the boys. Geoffrey was 8 or 9, Brenin was 6 or 7 and the twins, Morgan and Marshall were 5. Pam and Philip were and are very special and spiritual people. Pam called me and we realized that we hadn’t prepared anything. I really didn’t have anything except a loaf of cranberry nut bread I had baked and some shiny quarters. Well, I sliced and wrapped up the bread (the boys hadn’t seen me baking it) and put a slice and a quarter in their shoes. Luckily, I always travel with glitter and I sprinkled it from their shoes around the house and out the door into the forest (they live in a rural area). We also had a bunch of carrots with the leaves on and I left them for the donkey (partially eaten). Then, I wrote a scroll, with the messages for each person from Saint Nicholas, tied it with a red ribbon and left it with the shoes. Pam and Philip got in during the wee hours and the boys woke them up shortly after, full of the magic and wonder. It SO doesn’t matter how big or small the gift – it really is the magic that is important.

About Santa Claus – when I introduce Saint Nicholas I explain that he lived in the “Old World” called Europe, far across the ocean. When people moved to the “New World” on this side, Saint Nicholas needed a helper. So he asked Santa Claus to come to the children in America. After a while, people in the “New World” forgot about Saint Nicholas and about asking him to come. But Saint Nicholas is very magical and will come if the children and their parents ask him to. Sometimes, if Saint Nicholas has come to a family, Santa Claus doesn’t need to and he just sends his Christmas blessings as he carries on to visit the children who don’t remember about Saint Nicholas. The children always seemed pretty satisfied with this explanation.

In the Waldorf Kindergarten, I would send home a note asking the parents to send a pair of their children’s best shoes. We set up our circle of chairs before we left with our shoes on them. When we came back the next day, there was a golden nut, an orange, a cookie or small candy cane and a tiny present. I remember one year it was a little wooden top. And if Saint Nicholas couldn’t visit us in person, there was always a scroll tied with red ribbon for teacher to read what he had to tell each child.

I created a series of stories to use in the Kindergarten in the days leading up to Saint Nicholas Day on December 6. I couldn’t find stories to explain many of the European traditions such as the shoes, golden nut, etc., so I looked into my heart and came up with “fairy tale truth” which may not be worldly fact, but true in its meaning. These have been posted on the Saint Nicholas Center website for many years.

Saint Nicholas Stories

http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=437

The picture on the Saint Nicholas website with the story number five is Saint Nicholas and Knecht Rupert visiting our Kindergarten in Seattle. Saint Nicholas brought a big golden book and had something written there for each of us, including me!

Thank you, Christine, for sharing your wisdom and experience here with us today.

Happy St. Nicholas Day and many blessings,

Carrie

Re-Claiming Authority: Part Two

Posted on by
13

Many of you have written in and wanted to know how to start to be the authentic leader in your own home. 

You have authority because you are the parent!  Whether or not you choose to recognize the fact that you are the authority in their own home or exercise BEING the authority is up to you.  All you have to do is claim it and own it, that you can do this in a kind way.  Again, do not confuse “dominating and misuse of power” and otherwise being mean and nasty with authority.   You can be kind and loving and  still set boundaries in your family.  When you are being an parent who is an authentic leader, you will be guiding your child toward right action.  This is love in parenting!  Help your child learn and grow!

However, in order to have your child do the right thing you have to know what the boundaries are in your family.  What are the VALUES of your family, what kind of person do you want your child to be when they grow up and how will the boundaries you set now guide them toward that?  Love them enough to grow up to function in society as a moral human being.

This requires THINKING and TALKING to your partner.  Get on the same page, or at least agree to follow sometimes and lead sometimes.  Compromise on areas where you disagree.  Get a community behind you.  I am a proponent of having a spiritual community, or a parenting community, or some kind of community, so your child sees these moral messages everywhere, not just at home!

Here are some other “helps” for re-claiming authority:

1.  One is to believe in yourself that you can have boundaries  that make your family function in a healthier way, a way that meets the needs of everyone in the family, and that boundaries are okay and you are not being “a dictator.”  Rules are okay and it is not a dirty idea to have a healthy, happy family.  Smile 
Have confidence in yourself and the decisions you make on behalf of your family.  

2.  Forgive yourself!  Some mothers really feel badly that they have not handled guiding their children  differently.  Here are two back post to help you out: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/27/forgiving-ourselves/  and the wildly popular post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/15/my-kids-deserve-a-different-mother/ 

3.   Again, figure out what your family values; this will help you determine what boundaries are important to you.  Sometimes creating a Family Mission Statement can be a big help.  Your own inner work is essential.  Here is a Christopherus blog post about this:  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2005/12/discipline_ques.html

The main way we use our authority is by modeling RIGHT ACTION.  What are you modeling based upon the values of your family?

4.  Figure out where your children are; sit and think about them and meditate and pray about them at night.  There are so many posts on here about each age from birth through age nine and what typically happens developmentally at these stages.  These posts should give you a “heads-up” as to what typically challenges parents at these ages.  Just because something is developmentally normal does not mean it does not have to be guided, however!

5.  Love your children and make a list. What are the things that are challenging you right now about the behavior of your children? Can you pinpoint a cause that will prevent this behavior?   Does this behavior need a boundary?  What will you do when this behavior happens?  How will you walk your children through it?  What tools will you use that are right for the age of your children?  How will you be consistent about this?  How will the “consequence”  of this behavior come out consistently? 

I see from the messages in the comment box many of you are getting hung up with the idea of consequences.  Try this back post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/06/23/gentle-parenting-and-boundaries/ for help with what consequences look like by age….

By consequence, I don’t mean mean and nasty punitive punishment!  I just mean fixing the problem, working together, and being a rock when it comes to right action.  Spilled milk?  The consequence is we clean it up together.  Broke your sister’s toy?  The consequence is we fix it or we use part of your allowance money to buy a new one.  For all ages above about four and a half or five,  restitution is the key!  Here is a back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/28/the-number-two-way-to-discipline-a-child/ “

This includes being okay with “ the community” I spoke of above also providing consequences when appropriate.  If your older child doesn’t do their homework and gets a zero from their teacher, I would hope one would not go to the school and argue with the teacher.  I personally am fine with the parents I know helping to provide guidance for my children.  I welcome it because I have a community of people I trust, and I am grateful these men and women are there for my children as they grow to back up the ethics and moral character building blocks we are teaching at home.

 But again, the age and developmental stage of your child matters!  Do not use tools for a 12 year old with your three year old.  Your three year old needs connection and needs you to help him or her meet the boundary that you have decided upon  by regulating the environment, the rhythm of eating and sleep, the amount of physical activity, the amount of supervision you are providing.  There are many, many posts on this blog about the Early Years and how to infuse your guidance with singing,verses, imagination, stories whilst STILL sticking to the BOUNDARY.  These are not mutually exclusive things!!

This leads us to…..

6.  Know your parenting tools.  Connection and attachment are the first foundational keys!  For the under-7 crowd you also  have such things as prevention,  imitation, working in pictorial imagery and movement, less words, less choices, rhythm, using your gentle hands to help move your child, singing and verses, outside time, distraction  and having the child make restitution with you helping them.   Restitution is really important: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/28/the-number-two-way-to-discipline-a-child/

Pictorial imagery is one that can be difficult for parents to put into practice.  I have written about pictorial imagery before here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/01/talking-in-pictures-to-small-children/     and here is a lovely blog post from a mother who put this into practice with her children: http://flowingwithmyducklings.blogspot.com/2010/12/talking-pictorially.html

7.  Commit yourself to 40 days of Being Queen Of Your Home. Cultivate that energy and attitude of a peaceful rock;  here is a back post that may assist you:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/19/cultivating-how-to-hold-the-space-the-inner-work-of-advent/

Love your children, build that foundation of fun and love and trust, and be ready to be THE ROCK that weathers the storm!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Ideas For The Second Week of Advent In The Waldorf Home

Posted on by
3

The second week of Advent is upon us already! Here is the verse attributed to Rudolf Steiner  that goes with the second week:

“The second light of Advent is the light of plants–
Plants that reach up to the sun and in the breezes dance.”

Here are a few fast ideas regarding the second week of Advent:

Many blessings for a lovely week,

Carrie

Re-Claiming Authority: Part One

Posted on by
34

We have just had an interesting discussion about the differences between power, authority and respect.  To see that discussion, see here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/01/power-authority-and-respect-in-parenting/

Where do things go so wrong for parents? My original thought in the post above was that there are two kinds of parents who have problems with all this:   harsh parents who have a hard time connecting with their children and who shove their children aside emotionally; and attachment parents who do wonderful with attachment and connection but not so great in setting boundaries for their children.

I have mentioned before what a  big shift I see in attachment parenting as that first child approaches three and a half or four.  Parenting really shifts at this point, or it should.   I find some attachment parents make the leap well, and some don’t.  If it doesn’t shift at this point with the first child, then you will have catch-up work to do later on, which I will talk about in tomorrow’s post.

What leap?  I am so glad you asked!  Here you go:

2010-11-08 at 01-18-18

(Thank you to my friend Samantha Fogg for letting me use this picture).

This is moss growing on a big rock.  Now, before you think I have lost my mind, let me explain!

This rock is steady; it is not sagging because it has moss on it.  It is not crumbling because it has moss on it!  It is steady.  It is calm; the rain comes down on it, the snow, the wind – and there it sits calmly.  It doesn’t get all upset when the weather is not nice.

The forces of nature do help mold it and wear on it over time, yes, but the original essence of the rock is there and untouched.

Good parenting is like this.  We are like calm, immovable stones.  Our children do shape us, but our essence remains the same because just like a rock cannot help being a rock, we cannot help but be a parent.  Just as moss lives on a rock, we are creating and shaping life for our children.

Small children deserve dignity, respect, unconditional love, gentle hands and gentle voices.  They also deserve the gift of boundaries. I find many parents are reluctant to place boundaries in their lives with their children, but then blow up at the child when the boundary should have been placed and kept the first of the twenty times the child does something.  Why are you blowing up at your child when you failed to set the boundary and help the child stick to that boundary the first time?

One of my dear friends, a terrific mother of three boys, gave a parenting workshop several years ago that I attended.  She related how one day she had her boys in the car and they were in line for the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.  One of the boys spit on the floor of the car.  The boys were all talking and did not notice her easing out of the line.  In fact, they didn’t notice until she was almost home.  They protested, “Hey!  We were going to get some food!”  Their mother replied, “I don’t buy food for boys who spit in my car.”

Well, when she told this story, this sweet little mother with an only child that looked to be about three or four, piped up and said, “Well, if they apologized and calmed down, would you turn around and bring them back to the drive-through?”

Uh, no.

As parents we absolutely have the right to give children second chances.  Absolutely and yay for being human!  But if you give second chances for everything, always couch things without a direct rule involved, make up for your child every time they do something that wasn’t morally good …well, then you are not being a rock!

One of  most important things you can give your child is the gift of knowing THEIR ACTIONS MATTER.  What they do counts.  What they do has consequences.  And if you do not let them experience this when they are with you and there to help guide them, the world is going to be far harsher in teaching this when they grow up.  Even things that are developmentally normal still need guidance!

You and your child will have moments where neither of you are at your best.  A loving, attached relationship is the basis of grace, humility and forgiveness.  But, if the more negative moments of your relationship with your child is  outweighing everything, or the negative moments are just so intense and color the world of the family, go back and look at boundaries:

What boundaries exist?

When I set a boundary how do I follow through? 

Do I do this EVERY TIME?

What is the “consequence” of my child’s action?  Does this happen every time?

Food for thought,

Carrie

Power, Authority and Respect in Parenting

Posted on by
11

So we are headed into Chapter Five of “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Kids” by Neufeld and Mate, but I had such an interesting comment on Chapter Four that I thought it really deserved a post.  It was regarding the relationship between power and authority and the difference between the two.  Fascinating stuff, and it really got my brain cells ticking!  Thank you so much kind reader! 

This book is a good, thought-provoking read for all parents.  It really is an ultimate attachment book, but because it is dealing with the battle of peers versus the family unit, it may be one that  says things and rubs parents the wrong way until they have the experience of their children being a bit older.  After all, it is hard sometimes to think of authority and boundaries and peers when you have a precious two-year-old who is still such a big part of you.  However, it is very important information for parents of small children to have because the foundation for this attachment is laid within the early years, and also because if one has the idea that gentle discipline does involve boundaries, that this is coming, it is not such a shock when the need arises for the functioning of the family and for the functioning of the children in society.  Those of you who have read this book and have smaller (under the grades) aged children, is this book bothering you or making you think or are you disagreeing with it all?  Please leave a comment!

I have to say I think that most of the chapter four in this book  is right in line with this blog and my thoughts on parenting.  Please do let me explain how I look at it; you all know I usually have a different way to look at things than most people, LOL.

I think this goes back to the question of what is power in parenting?  What is authority in parenting?  And the unspoken question of what is respect in parenting?

I respectfully disagree that power is typically exercised for the benefit of the powerful.  That is misguided and abused power at its best.  Power, in the hands of a moral and ethical person, carries great responsibility. Power is not something we hold over our children’s heads, but is intertwined with the authority we carry.  Webster’s Dictionary says that authority IS power, “ the POWER to influence or command thought, opinion or behavior”, (you can see this definition from one of the very first posts I ever wrote, updated here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/06/back-to-basics-the-framework-for-gentle-discipline/). 

I don’t believe I can earn authority.  Authority in a formal setting or a job is granted.  Authority in parenting comes just because you ARE the PARENT.  The child is always worthy of dignity, of respect, of love, but YOU are the parent.  And just by being the parent you have the authority and the power to guide your child. 

The problem I see is that many parents do not lay down a basis of connection and attachment to their child and then have this rather empty gesture of trying to use force and “power”  in the worst term and way as they become completely frustrated with their child’s behavior.  They try to “power over”  their children, and create this giant battlefield against their child.  (You can see my post about The Battlefield of The Mind here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/the-battlefield-of-the-mind-anger-and-parenting/    )  These parents  don’t see the child as one who has a different level of consciousness than an adult but as someone who needs coercion to do what needs to be done and be “obedient”.  So yes, the parental “power and authority”,(which shouldn’t be dirty words but words that make the child feel safe in his or her world), get demonstrated badly.

Or contrast this to the other type of parents I see:  those who do a stellar job of attachment and connection, but who do not hold any authority or power in their own homes.  Their little children know no boundaries, and what was developmentally immature  behavior turns into behavior that is disrespectful and impolite to adults outside of the family and infringes upon the needs of parents and  the family as a whole.  I alluded  in my last post to the difficulty some parents have in switching gears in their parenting life once their first child goes through the first show of true “will”.  This developmental stage is only followed by other stages where the child begins to show changes as they come into their bodies and themselves at the six/seven transformation, the nine year change, the twelve year change, not to mention the other developmental stages along the way!

What is lacking in both of these cases is the parent using power and authority as AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP. One of my very first blog posts was this one regarding “Discipline As Authentic Leadership” : https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/.   I just want to underscore that attachment and authority and providing boundaries and being consistent and  yes, protection and bringing things in at the right time (which involves you stepping up and guiding your children according to your beliefs and values) are still hallmarks of good parenting. 

Leadership uses authority and power in an authentic, loving, kind and constant way to guide the child.  It cannot be earned, it is there because you are the parent!  However,  RESPECT can be earned and is important for the child to feel a sense of respect. 

  • You cannot earn your child’s respect if you never set any boundaries or if you set a boundary and never enforce it.  (The side note and digression here:  That sounds mean, but I disagree  with the authors here when they say that parenting tools are not needed if connection is good. I think there are parenting tools for each seven year cycle, I think there are ways to talk to children in each of these cycles, and this is where I feel tools CAN be helpful to parents.  We have lost so much of this view of what normal childhood development is that we need a bit of a reminder with what works best when).
  • You cannot earn your child’s respect if you have no respect for yourself and put yourself completely dead last as a martyr taking care of your family and you have no boundaries for yourself.
  • You cannot earn your child’s respect if you disintegrate into a ranting, yelling lunatic every time your child says they won’t eat their peas or wear their boots.
  • You cannot earn your child’s respect if you never listen to them or spend time with them.
  • You cannot earn your child’s respect if you and your partner cannot get on the same page regarding parenting and life. Sometimes in partnerships we lead, sometimes we follow.  Model this for your child.
  • You cannot earn your child’s respect if you have no rules and no ideas as to what sorts of things should happen when.  When should your child have a Facebook page or a first sleep-over or get their ears pierced or be able to bike to the store?  If you don’t know these things, how will your child?

Constancy.  Authentic Leadership.  Knowing what your values are as a family and guiding your children with that.  Understanding the differences between parenting a three-year-old and a ten-year-old.  Having tools at your disposal.

Anyway, thank you dear reader for a great comment and a great thought-provoking chapter!  Take what resonates with you and your family.  You are the expert on your own family.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”–Chapter Four

Posted on by
9

The book we are currently going through chapter by chapter is Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate’s “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.”

We have done Chapters 1,2 and 3 so far if you need to catch up:

Chapter Three: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/09/25/hold-on-to-your-kids-chapter-two-2/

Chapter Two:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/09/26/more-about-chapter-two-of-hold-on-to-your-kids/  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/29/hold-on-to-your-kids-chapter-two/

Chapter One:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/04/hold-on-to-your-kids-chapter-one/

This chapter is really interesting,and I think a thought-provoking one for many parents today as it addresses the power and authority involved in parenting.  The opening scenario is about a seven-year-old where the parents have very little control.  The authors point out:

“Too often the children are blamed for being difficult or the parents for being inept or their parenting techniques for being inadequate.  It is generally unrecognized by parents and professionals that the root of the problem is not parental ineptitude but parental impotence in the strictest meaning of that word:  lacking sufficient power.

The absent quality is power, not love or knowledge or commitment or skill.  Our predecessors had much more power than parents today.  In getting children to heed, our grandparents wielded more power than our parents could exercise over us or we seem to have over our children.  If the trend continues, our children will be in great difficulty  when their turn comes at parenting.  The power to parent is slipping away.”

The authors take GREAT PAINS to point out that power is not to be confused with FORCE or ABUSE but that is it simply the spontaneous authority to parent that comes from a connected relationship with the child.  “The power to parent arises when things are in their natural order, and it arises without effort, without posturing, and without pushing.  It is when we lack power that we are likely to resort to force.  The more power a parent commands, the less force is required in day-to-day parenting.  On the other hand, the less power we possess, the more impelled we are to raise our voices, harshen  our demeanor, utter threats, and seek some leverage to make our children comply with our demands.”

As parents, the authors note, we need to do three things:

1. Command our children’s attention – Carrie’s note:  I think this is directly related to so many parents revolving everything and anything around the  child, and putting the child in an equal relationship with the parent as opposed to considering the needs of the whole family and that the parent-child relationship is one of dignity and respect but not equality as we hopefully do have more experience with which to guide and protect our children, especially our small children.   Small children do not need to be privy to every adult conversation and happening!

2.  Solicit their good intentions – Carrie’s note:  we need to attribute positive intent to our children’s actions, even the more challenging behaviors, and most of all to be calm ourselves and help the child solve their problems and challenges.  We must uplift our children and lead them forward.

3.  To evoke their deference and secure cooperation – Carrie’s note:  We must model what we want to see, we must work together as family and figure out what our vision for our family and our family’s values are.  Without you and your partner getting very clear as to what is most important and demonstrating how the family can work together, the child will not know how.  Reverence and respect and dignity are an important part of securing cooperation, but so is setting boundaries between the world of the child and the world of the adult.  The move from your precious child being “part” of you – a nursing, co-sleeping symbiotic being attached in a sling to a three or four year old with a will and ideas of their own is often a hard shift for many first-time attached parents because there were very few boundaries erected in the beginning and now the boundaries need to be in place for the family to function.  Not in a mean way, but in a logical way!  Children have a need for you to lead and guide them.  They need boundaries to push against that will not fall or crumple. 

Most of all, these things can be done in LOVE if you have an attached, connected relationship with your child; the kind of relationship where your child is part of a larger structure of the family.  The authors point out that the “power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs.  We cannot truly take care of a child  who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns.  We cannot emotionally support a child  who is not leaning on us for his psychological needs.  It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating to assist one who is not seeking our help.”

Dependency needs of children do not vanish – they only can shift from parents to someone else:  a peer group.  What looks like a shift to independence is actually just a shift in dependence.  “Since humans have a lengthy period of dependence, attachments must be transferable from one person to another, from parents to relatives and neighbors and tribal or village elders.  All of these, in turn, are meant to play their role in bringing the child to full maturity.”  In other words, children are meant to be able to attach to other responsible adults, but in our society this has too often turned into children transferring their dependence into peers. 

This brings up a question from me to all of you with children is what are you doing to foster a community of responsible adults that you can trust your children with?  This is important, and becomes increasingly important as your children grow older. This is not about dependence of a child just on its mother, but on a responsible community. This, of course, does not negate that the strongest and most critical  attachment  is of a child to its family (not just to an attached mother).

One of the last points I would like to pull from this chapter is that the authors point out that parenting is not a set of skills to be learned and that we must as a society stop thinking of parenting in this way.  “The reasoning behind parenting as a set of skills seemed logical enough, but in hindsight has been a dreadful mistake. It has led to an artificial reliance on experts, robbed parents of their natural confidence, and often leaves them feeling dumb and inadequate…..We miss the essential point that what matters is not the skill of the parents but the relationship of the child to the adult who is assuming responsibility.”

There is more in this chapter, but I will stop there.  Those of you following along with the book, what did you think of this chapter?

Many blessings,

Carrie

The First Week of Advent: More Ideas!

Posted on by
10

Here is a round-up of ideas for the first week of Advent with many links for free resources on the Internet:

Here is the “Children’s Song of the Nativity”.  The music and words are traditional; one written version can be found in Candey Verney’s “The Singing Year” book (with accompanying CD).  Here is a version on YouTube sung by the St. Patrick Cathedral’s Boy Choir in Dublin:

I was unsuccessful in locating any other song from the Winter Wynstones on YouTube, so if anyone else has leads as to where an audio for these Winter songs are, please do leave a comment so we all can listen.  I know these books can be very tough if you do not read music well!

For this week, some families are telling stories about  Mother Mary (many families are also using song/ring games that have to do with Mother Mary). Some are telling Saint Nicholas stories in preparation for Saint Nicholas Day on Monday (I believe the Orthodox Church celebrates the Feast day of this saint later in the month).  Here is a link to all the stories over at the St. Nicholas Center:  http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=890.  You might also consider the festival stories by Eugene Schwartz here: http://members.millennialchild.com/products/catalog_page/Resources_FestivalStories.html

Good crafts for this week include making an Advent Wreath if you have not already, making an Advent Calendar, crafts for Saint Nicholas (see this link for ideas:  http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=122), baking Christmas treats and cookies, starting Christmas gifts from the children to others, making homemade wrapping paper.

Most of all, have fun together and await with reverence this magical time of the year,

Carrie

Gratitude On Thanksgiving

Posted on by
4

Hello all my dear readers!  In the United States today we are celebrating Thanksgiving.  This came across Marsha Johnson’s Waldorf Home Educators Yahoo!Group and I thought is was a nice thought for today. 

She wrote:

Dear Friends!

Warm thoughts are flowing towards all of you, each and every precious one, who has chosen to come and be present in this group, on the earth, in your communities, in your families, in your own very self! This is the American Thanksgiving Holiday, a unique festival of gratitude for what has been given and what has been provided, roots deep in a religious tradition, yes, but one that has become a national holiday of harvest to a great degree, with the largest focus on family, food, and the gathering….in groups, as friends, as families, as communities, as humans.

The children are quite excited by all the to-do, with much cooking happening with traditional foods of roasted turkeys (a large fowl), harvest foods such as mashed potatoes & gravy, stuffing (a bready dressing with vegetables, fruits, more), a dish made with sweet potatoes, often, salads, baked desserts such as pumpkin pies served with whipped cream, often many other side dishes, appetizers, drinks, and so on.

It is a time that celebrates an event in our American history when the first immigrants came to the eastern shores and were essentially starving and the native people came with food to share. These foreigners were ill equipped to survive in the new country, nearly starving to death while surrounded by food sources well known to the native peoples, large beds of seafood practically swimming into your hands, native foods unknown to the Europeans such as corn, squash, and so on….

It is a celebration that has some rather bleak images for the native peoples here who subsequently lost their entire ‘country’ and most of their population due to strange imported diseases for which they had no resistance whatsoever….it was this generous provision of food which in some ways contributed directly to their own demise.

Can we be grateful in the moment, unaware of what is to come? Can we teach our children to experience and express thankfulness as a virtue? In today’s competitive world, is promoting this virtue a viable choice or is it perceived as some kind of weakness?

In the Waldorf Way, we are filled at every conscious moment with the love of the ‘other’, the ‘other’ who has come to be near us, with us, around us, befriend us, play with us, spend time with us…..we are so aware of the gift of the ‘other’, the children and their parents, who come willingly and whole hearted, to spend precious time in the school and in the classes, in conferences, and meetings….it is a gift to be together and I am acutely aware of each passing moment, now lost in time, that has been spent with me…

Teaching thankfulness is the job of the adult in all communities, taking time to pause and be very public about the grace that has fallen down upon us in each moment, we can express this for the child and of course, the feelings are present in the youngest child and we can provide a model for imitation, in our vocal quality, in our facial expressions, in our everyday ordinary moments…not just once a year.

Here is a list of potential words to begin to include in your speaking and in your conscious thinking, listen and see if your child(ren) will imitate you and use these, frequently…
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so very much.
I am so thankful.
I am so thankful that you thought of me (us).
I am grateful.
I am so very grateful for your help (thought, intention, action).
I feel so grateful for you.
How thoughtful!
How kind!
How sweet of you to remember me!
I appreciate that.
I appreciate you.
I appreciate what you have done.
I appreciate your help.
I appreciate your concern.
I appreciate your attitude (help, presence, questions, assistance).
Don’t we appreciate what you have done!
I am so pleased with you.
I am so happy with what you have done today.
I give thanks to you.
I give thanks to God for you.
I am so happy that you are here with me.
Isn’t it wonderful that “name” has helped us!

Those kinds of remarks can make a deep impression on the child and support the growth of gratitude as a virtue in a time when civility as a custom has been a bit replaced by sarcasm and cynicism

.

Grateful for your friendship,
Mrs. M

Here is toward fostering gratitude in our children, in our homes, and appreciating every day what is right in front  of us as opposed to waiting for the “If Onlys” of the future – “if only” I live somewhere else, “if only” our family had more income, “if only” this or “if only” that.  Gratitude can start in the here and now.

Gratitude for today, gratitude for you!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Ideas for The First Week of Advent In The Waldorf Home

Posted on by
14

Next Sunday begins the Season of Advent.  I love this long season of Light that culminates in the Twelve Holy Nights and Epiphany.  My family is currently  settling into a new church, and it is exciting that there are many preparations underway for the Season of Advent, culminating in a large Epiphany pageant for the children.  This emphasis upon the liturgical year and the resources that this large parish has to organize, plan and lead these festivities has me as excited and giddy as any small child!

Steiner  himself acknowledged the different festivals revolving around light for the darkness of the year, but also wrote how different Christmas is from other winter festivals in that:

“The birth of the light will be followed by life in the light. Christians, therefore, should not see in the Christmas festival something that passes. It is not a memorial festival commemorating what has occurred in the past. The Christmas message does not say, “Christ has been born, Christ was born.” It says, “Today Christ is born.” Today is always emphasized. This is significant. The emphasis on today should be understood in the sense in which Christ has spoken, “I am with you always even unto the end of days.” This confronts us anew each year and reveals to us the connection between man and the heavens.” (From Signs and Symbols of the Christian Festival, Lecture One, available here:  http://wn.rsarchive.org/Lectures/SignSymbols/19041219p01.html)

Advent in the Waldorf Home is something that is frequently celebrated by people of every religious background, every faith, every spiritual path as part of the festivals of the cycle of the year.  This quote is attributed to Rudolf Steiner, although I don’t think anyone has been able to show exactly where Steiner said this:

The first light of Advent is the light of stone–.
Light that lives in crystals, seashells, and bones.
The second light of Advent is the light of plants–
Plants that reach up to the sun and in the breezes dance.
The third light of Advent is the light of beasts–
All await the birth, from the greatest and in least.
The fourth light of Advent is the light of humankind–
The light of hope that we may learn to love and understand.”

From this, many Waldorf schools and families celebrate Advent by looking each week at the natural kingdoms on Earth: minerals the first week, plants the second week, animals the third week and humans the fourth week, all waiting for the birth of Christ. This can be a lovely idea, and certainly one that has been fairly well-fleshed out within the Waldorf community with many resources available on the Internet.

Since the first week of Advent is fast approaching, here are some ideas:

** -I highly recommend reading the Advent devotions of your religion if you have a religious path and focusing your Advent activities around the activities of your place of worship.  What could be more meaningful for your small child or older children to be immersed in a community that is preparing and waiting together?

**- I highly suggest you take the things your community has to offer, the things your religious community has to offer, and mark them on the calendar and make them a focal point for this quiet time of preparing and waiting.  Our calendar right now has marked on it an Advent Spiral, St. Nicholas Day, Wednesday night dinners at our parish complete with the church baking as a community, Advent lessons and caroling at a special liturgy, Santa Lucia Day, and special liturgies up to Christmas Day, through the 12 Holy Nights and Epiphany.

There are several ways to count down to Christmas or all the way to Epiphany:

This is a good week to focus on the mineral kingdom preparing for the birth of the Christ Child. There is a song I like in the Winter Wynstones book where the lyrics say (my emphasis on the one line):

Hush-a-bye, hush-a-bye, holy night,

angels have brought the Child of Light:

All mankind shall gently bear Him;

all the beasts shall nestle near Him,

all the flowers shall adore Him,

all the stones shall kneel before Him,

all the world shall worship Him,

cherubim and seraphim.

Wet felting stones, making star shaped candles, pulling out your crystals, geodes, and other nature finds for your table are all appropriate here.  Here was a post I wrote last year about how we celebrated the first week of Advent: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/29/the-first-week-of-advent/

Here is an idea for a Nature Table display:  http://waldorfwithoutwalls.com/articles/advent

Possible stories for this week include The Star Money from the Brothers Grimm,(and if you have the book “Rose Windows”, there is a lovely idea for a window transparency in there); other possible stories include the ones from “The Light In the Lantern:  Stories for Advent” from Wynstones Press; another possibility would be to read “Saint Nicholas” by Jakob Streit since St. Nicholas Day is on December 6th. If you would like more information regarding St. Nicholas, please see this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/26/saint-nicholas-day-in-the-waldorf-home/

I have been wholly unsatisfied with the Advent Circles I have been finding in books.  There is something about this time of year that seems difficult to really place into a circle kind of format, at least in my opinion.

Here are some resources though because even though these things didn’t strike me, perhaps they will strike you!

Reflections on an Advent Circle from the Waldorf Kindergarten:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW3213.pdf

Hope that helps plan out your first week of Advent.  I would love to hear your ideas, circle time ideas, or anything else that strikes you this first week of Advent.

Many blessings to you!

Carrie

The Nine-Year Old Girl

Posted on by
9

I have had the great privilege and honor of being able to observe a group of nine-year old girls this year.  It has been very interesting to watch their transformation and challenges.  Here are some of the things I have observed regarding the nine=year-old girl and what is going on developmentally:

  • This whole notion that they are separate from their families, mothers.  Not completely separate, but the inkling is there.  You hear phrases from them about “perhaps” they were really left in a basket on a doorstep, or a basket floating in a river, or “wouldn’t it be neat” if really they were a princess and one day they were taken back to their real family’s castle.  My daughter wondered perhaps  if I was an alien in disguise one day! 
  • Peer relationships become more important than before.  There are sleep-overs going on in my neighborhood amongst the nine-year-olds.   Some mothers have told me there is even the emergence of “cliques” at their place of worship or in other activities.   I have observed there can be  a little bit of cattiness sometimes when a “new girl” enters an activity, something the adults have been really careful to step in and guide appropriately with simple rules and being present.
  • Nine –year-olds have a strong sense of fairness, and of what is “good” and what is “bad”.  They want to do the right thing.
  • Some nine and  a half year old girls really seem to be going through bodily changes that take some adjusting to on both a physical and emotional level.  They may be gaining weight, or getting taller, or, if they became heavier at age eight, may actually be slimming down.
  • Nine-year-olds have questions about God, death,  birth, life and everything in between!
  • Nine-year-olds many times do want some separation from younger siblings.  Not all the time, but at least to have a few times here and there with just children of their own age.  I have seen this in families whether the children are homeschooled or go to public or private school.
  • Some nine-year-olds like something competitive, but nine-year-olds are also pretty hard on themselves when they cannot do something well.  They are beginning to notice what friends is good at what.
  • There is some borderline (or more) talking back to parents that does seem to occur around this age.  They know what the rules of the house are, but they don’t mind letting you know they don’t like that rule. 
  • Nine-year-olds may be interested in small businesses, making money.

Here are some suggestions for the age 9 for girls:

  • Spend time with your girl where you can focus on her and listen to her.  It may be hard for her to open up to you with smaller siblings running around and listening, and she may need time with you just the way a smaller child does.
  • Build up a supportive community for your nine-year-old that includes other adult women who are good role models for your daughter.
  • Keep reinforcing the positive things about what your daughter can do with her mind and her body.
  • Nine-year-olds really benefit from having involvement in a religious or spiritual community.  Investigate your own beliefs and work to make this happen for them.  Festivals and holidays can be carried to new heights when a nine-year old has responsibilities different than the smaller children.  They are ready!
  • Talk to your nine-year-old about money and earning money and saving money.  One resource our family has used and likes is this one from Doorposts:  http://www.doorposts.com/details.aspx?id=26
  • Talk to her about popularity and exclusion and what your values are as a family in how you treat others, how to stand your group in a group that is doing something different – and be around to supervise!
  • Daughters need their fathers.  Fathers can also talk about these issues and sometimes it carries much more weight than coming from mothers.
  • Recognize your daughter’s need for some separation as normal.  Family time is so very important, but having a time to play with children their own age here and there is also valuable.
  • Keep limiting the media.  Nine-year-olds still take things pretty concretely, the messages they see regarding body image still really affect them, and no nine-year-old needs to be propelled into teenager land.  Choose media wisely if you do it at all. 
  • Get a foundation of physical activity going.  This is important to deal with bodily changes, as well as laying a good foundation for movement prior to the heaviness and density that the age of 12 brings.

What have you noticed about your nine-year-old recently?

Many blessings,

Carrie