Personal Development in Parenting–Part One

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In parenting and education, we recognize that every individual brings not only a hereditary history with him or her but also an individuality. Waldorf Education recognizes the individuality in each and every child that exists from before conception and birth and recognizes that each child has a personal destiny.  I guess a Christian perspective of this would be that God knows the child before the child is born and that the child has a destiny.   

Throughout this time of childhood we are working with the whole child, with  every aspect of the child – body, soul, spirit. We work with things from the most physical to the most mysterious and strive to be continually conscious of being an upright moral example that the child can imitate. We work to not provide hindrances to the child’s development.  We also work to provide an environment conducive to development, a protected environment for optimal development of the 12 senses and the child, but yet one where the child can develop unhindered

In the second lecture of “Curative Education”, Steiner talks about The Pedagogical Law in which it is who we are that teaches and educates; how children can perceive the gesture behind our words. Steiner lectured about the great responsibility we have when we raise small children. 

In the lectures compiled in “Soul Economy”, Steiner said in the lecture regarding children before the seventh year:  ”Anyone in charge of young children – especially those who work in children’s homes- who is aware of the activity of destiny must ask, Have I been specifically chosen for the important task of guiding and educating these children?  And other questions must follow: What must I do to eliminate as far as possible my personal self, so I can leave those in my care unburdened by my subjective nature?”

This can be a tall order where sometimes just surviving in parenting is where we are – and maybe just where we should be if we have children under the age of five.  It can be a tall order where things don’t go the way one wants them to; this happens to ALL of us because we are human!  Raising children is hard work!

One thing I think that can help, though, is this idea of non-judgmental self-review (um, the key is non-judgmental, to view yourself and your actions through the eyes of being a friend to yourself).  Here is a wonderful article about self-review for the teacher that would work equally well for parents of small children:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW57schweizer.pdf

I do love how this article asks us to look at ourselves and what we do during the day with our rhythm, our work and the children.  But, remember, do forgive yourself if things were not what you wanted.  Self-forgiveness and striving (and asking for help when you need it!) is so important.

During this season of Great Lent I wonder how we can work with both  our physical body and our spiritual body in order to benefit our families.  Like all things in Waldorf parenting and education, balance is a primary goal.  Dogma and rigidity is not.  Finding the Middle Way is of great import. 

Our next post will deal with concrete ways to work with our own physical and spiritual lives.  You must want to do this work, but we must be careful to maintain balance as we strive.

More to come.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”–The Last Chapter

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We have arrived at the last chapter in the book “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.  The last chapter is entitled, “Re-Create The Attachment Village”.   The authors paint the picture in the opening of this chapter that many of us grew up in  places where neighbors knew one another, children could play within the neighborhood and be watched over by any number of parents….and how this has disappeared for many of us today. 

The authors talk about creating attachment villages and the importance of children feeling at home with the adults we entrust them to.  “In traditional attachment communities a child never had to leave home – he was at home wherever he went.  Today’s children also shouldn’t have to leave home, or at least the sense of being at home with the caring adults, until they are mature enough to be at home with their true selves.”

The suggestions of the authors include:

  • Valuing adult friends who have an interest in  our children and foster our children’s relationships with these adults. 
  • Create traditions that connect our children to extended family.
  • Have socializing that includes children, not separating them.  “As much as possible, we should be participating with our children in villagelike activities that connect children to adults whether through religious or ethnic centers, sports activities, cultural events, or in the community at large.”
  • Introduce our children to other trusted adults in a way that confers an “attachment blessing.” 
  • Work with blended families – “We need to turn what may seem to be either/or relationships into this-and-that relationships.” 
  • Making sure we connect with our children’s friends – insisting on greetings, introductions, keeping the children in a common area, and cultivating relationships with the parents of your children’s friends. 
  • I liked this quote:  “Every parents needs a supporting cast, and the less one exists naturally, the more it needs to be cultivated by design.”

This book study has come to a close; the other books I have done chapter-by-chapter in the past include “Tapestries” by Betty Staley and “Discipline Without Distress” by Judy Arnall.

Our next chapter-by-chapter book will be “Love and Anger:  The Parental Dilemma” by Nancy Samalin with Catherine Whitney.  You can see the book here:  http://www.amazon.com/Love-Anger-Parental-Nancy-Samalin/dp/0140129928/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299692496&sr=1-1

Many blessings,

Carrie

Lenten Ideas

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Let’s back up a moment and start with what I wrote last year.  Here is part of last year’s “Lent in the Waldorf Home” post in case you have not seen it before.  I think the words and spirit of it still ring true: 

“I love this quote from “Waldorf Education:  A Family Guide” as edited by Pamela Johnson Fenner and Karen L. Rivers:

“As Steiner writes in “Spiritual Bells of Easter, I”:

Festivals are meant to link the human soul with all that lives and weaves in the great universe.  We feel our souls expanding in a new way during these days at the beginning of spring…It is at this time of year, the time of Passover and Easter, that human souls can find that there lives…in the innermost core of their being, a fount of eternal, divine existence.

If we can begin to penetrate the cosmic significance of the mystery of this season, the rebirth of nature, the freeing of the Israelites, and the death and resurrection of Christ, we begin to understand that Easter is as A.P. Shepherd writes.”…the Festival of the spiritual future of humanity, the Festival of Hope and the Festival of Warning.”

Shrove Tuesday was this week.  This day grew from the practice of obtaining absolution –to be “shriven” or “shrove” before the forty-day fasting of Lent.  Years ago, this was a very strict dietary fast and meat and eggs and milk were used up before Lent started.  Pancake-making and tossing was often tradition on this special day, and I am sure many of you are familiar with the custom of Carnival (Karneval in Germany) leading up to Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. 

Ash Wednesday began with the practice of wearing a sackcloth for Lent and covering one’s head with ashes. 

“All Year Round” has this to say:”Lent has been kept as a time of penance, of strict self-denial, and for contemplating the sufferings and temptations of Jesus Christ as he fasted forty days in the wilderness.  Nowadays, the imposed strictness of Lent has been largely relaxed, and more emphasis placed on using the time to strengthen the inner life through spiritual education or appropriate self-discipline.  The long fasts of Lent and Advent were once used to make pilgrimages or “progresses” to holy places.  The word “progress implies not only the outer journey, but also the inner journey of the pilgrim – his progress in self-development.”

So, without further ado, here are some traditional ways to celebrate Lent:

  • Fasting and eating cleansing foods such as dandelion, nettles, leeks, chevril.  In anthroposophic terms, we talk about doing this as an example for children for this season.
  • Spring Cleaning!
  • Spending time away from outer stimulation and more time with an inward focus.
  • For a young child, “All Year Round” recommends spending time with your child each day doing one small thing to develop a Lenten mood.  This could include sitting together and listening to the birds sing in the morning in silence, taking time to look for the moon each night.
  • Decor:   a small unlit candle, bare twigs on the Nature Table, a bowl of dry earth or ashes on the Nature Table (you could plant seeds there on Palm Sunday so something grows during Holy Week).
  • Celebrate “Mothering Sunday” –the fourth Sunday in Lent was traditionally  when young people working away from home were given the day off to visit their mothers.  Traditional gifts include Sinnel Cake (like a fruit cake) and violets.

Some of the traditions we have include eating pancakes on Fat Tuesday (Shrove Tuesday), setting up our Nature Table as above, eating cleansing food and reducing certain components of our diet, participating in a Bible study for Lent (this year I am studying a part of the book of Psalms), reducing computer time and spending more time together as a family.

One craft to consider for yourself this time of year is wet- on- wet watercolor painting.  I painted the other night for an hour or so, making purple from red and blue.  It is very meditative and calming to do this, and the pictures you paint can then be cut into crosses for your Nature Table, or you can make a transparent part in your paintings with tissue paper of different colors.”

Here are some resources I am using this year:

The Anglican response for a carbon fast during Lent:  http://www.tearfund.org/Campaigning/Carbon+Fast.htm  and the day-by-day carbon fast calendar here:  http://www.tearfund.org/webdocs/website/Campaigning/CarbonFast09/Carbon%20Fast%20Flyer%202011.pdf

Collecting alms for the Episcopal Relief and Development “Basics For Life”:  http://www.er-d.org/GiftsForLife/4/65/

Readings from the Church Fathers:  http://www.monachos.net/content/lent

I am going to make this calendar with the children today:  http://thesefortydays.blogspot.com/2008/02/project-lenten-calendar.html

We will also bury the alleluia:  http://fullhomelydivinity.org/Lenten%20customs.htm

A Round-Up of Lenten Resources:  http://www.worship.ca/easter.html  and here:  http://anglicansonline.org/special/lent.html

We will make an Easter Garden as well.

One of the main things I have done this year is to make my calendar as empty as I can so I have time to pray, time to study the Bible, time to do my readings of the Church Fathers, time to be present in the small things, time to thank God for his blessings.  This has been my main resource this year: creating that time to be present in Lent.

Many blessings,

Carrie

A Lenten “Rule of Life”and A Parenting Plan for Renewal

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Lent begins this week, a time of spiritual journeying.  Where are you going in your spiritual life and your parenting life right now?  I have some ideas and suggestions for you in this post to ponder and meditate on.

I have been thinking about Lent as this spiritual journey.  In the Episcopal tradition, we think of preparing for Lent and Lent as this spiritual journey in preparing for Easter.  On any journey, one would pack bags and prepare for travel. Lent is much the same way; we use something called “a rule of life” to prepare for Lent and Easter.   There is a lovely article about what this entails here: http://fullhomelydivinity.org/articles/Preparing%20for%20Lent.htm   but the main components for Lent include:

**Self-examination and repentance and specifically attempting to reconcile with those we have hurt or alienated throughout this year  (also the use of sacramental confession to a priest)
**Prayer, fasting, and self-denial
**Reading and meditating on God’s holy Word.

In parenting, I wonder what creating a ‘rule of life” for Lenten parenting would look like for you?

Would your self-examination of yourself led you to reconcile with yourself?  Would it lead you to forgive yourself for not being perfect?  Would it lead you to forgive your partner for not being perfect?  Would it lead you to a Family Mission Statement or a parenting plan to do things better?  Anglicans have a strong belief in responsible freedom.  How will you be responsible in making yourself better in setting the tone for your family? 

If you fast and deny yourself, can you deny yourself negative self-talk?  Complaining?  Too much explanation to small children?  Can you take up a journey of prayer and meditation?  Can you focus on finding a spiritual path even if you do not have one currently?

In reading and meditating, can you read something spiritual that is uplifting to you?  Can you read something positive that will help you in your parenting?  How can you renew and refresh yourself after the long dark days of Winter?

More about Lenten parenting and Lent traditions tomorrow.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Wonderful Links and FREE Resources to Check Out!

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A big thank you to Cypress over at Cypress Space (http://bobbinsandbrambles.blogspot.com/)  for alerting me that Joan Almon’s “Overview Of The Waldorf Kindergarten”   is available as a free e-book:http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/overview1.pdf   
This little pink book is wonderful; I highly encourage those of you with young children to read it!

There are two other free e-books also available from the on-line Waldorf Library.  The first one is WECAN’s  “Working With the Angels” available here: 
http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW2workingangels.pdf  and a new one I have recently read called “Developmental Signatures”:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/DevSig.pdf  

I also would like to point out the wonderful, truly wonderful post by Kara Fleck regarding the nine year old and homeschooling, called “The Nine Year Old Is The Lesson”:   http://www.rockingranola.com/2011/03/nine-year-old-is-lesson.html  Homeschooling at its finest!

And here is a call for mothers who are homeschooling Fourth Grade in Waldorf Education to share resources and ideas for local geography and history:  http://naturenest.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/do-you-have-any-local-geography-or-history-resources-you-can-share/

Finally, the last thing I wanted to share is that I am presently reading five lectures by Michaela Glockler, MD called :  “A Healing Education:  How Can Waldorf Education Meet The Needs of Children?”  This little book contains five very interesting lectures. 

I have written A LOT this year about discipline, authority, developmental stages and I  would like to spend some time in March  focusing on Waldorf homeschooling and how I believe an education inspired by Steiner’s ideas about development could be helpful for children in the home environment.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Hold On To Your Kids”–Chapter 17

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This chapter is entitled “Don’t Court The Competition”  and talks about how a child having friends/peers is NOT the enemy, it is peer ORIENTATION that is the enemy.  That is a large difference!

I liked this quote found on the first page of this chapter:  “…today’s parents and teachers view early and extensive peer interaction in a positive light.  We encourage it, unaware of the risks that arise when such interaction occurs without adult leadership and input.  We fail to distinguish between peer relationships formed under the  conscious and benign guidance of adults and peer contacts occurring in attachment voids.”

The authors have a list in this chapter to help parents avoid the problem of peer orientation:

1.  “Don’t be fooled by the first fruits of peer orientation” – ie, it is wonderful to have children entertain each other, and the authors point out that a child who is used to peers will go to school and learn more easily at first because they are used to other children and not anxious about being with other children, away from family  but how later on, the negative effects of peer orientation really kicks in.  “In the first days of school in kindergarten, a peer-oriented child would appear smarter, more confident and better able to benefit from the school experience.  The parent-oriented child, impaired by separation anxiety would, by contrast, appear to be less adept and capable – at least until he can form a good attachment to the teacher…..In the long term, of course, the positive effects on learning of reduced anxiety and disorientation will gradually be canceled by the negative effects of peer orientation.  Thus follows the research evidence that early advantages of preschool education are not sustainable over time.”

Carrie’s note – I don’t think anyone in the mainstream media of the US are aware of the research studies regarding preschool!  Do you?

I also want to throw a note in here:  I see some homeschooled families who really isolate themselves in the Early Years.  Being home does not mean not interacting with neighbors, it does not preclude being involved with your place of worship, your extended family, etc.  It does mean around the age of five, if you have not before, there should be short playdates that are STRUCTURED.  It does mean that by age 7, most children can operate in a small group setting without falling apart, even the boys that could not do this before.  Social skills do have value! 

If you have a very socially anxious child, I think this is a great thing to work on in the six year old kindergarten year, starting small, being steady and fully present and structuring things.  The world needs to open up a bit around six if it has not already. 

Friendships become increasingly important headed into the nine year change and I feel parents who have not worked on this at all, ie, no social opportunieis for their children at all, are doing their children a disservice.

And again, this is all my opinion so take what resonates with you for your family.

2.  “Shyness is not the problem we think it is” – “Adult-oriented children are much slower to lose their shyness around their peers.”  Psychological maturity is what eventually tempers shyness.

Carrie’s note:  Again, though, I think there is a difference between shyness and anxiety.

3. “The stress of day care in the absence of attachment. “

4.  “Getting along with others does not arise from peer contact.” -   “Many parents seek playgroups for their toddlers.  By the preschool age, arranging peer contacts for our children has often become an obsession. …The belief is that socializing – children spending time with one another- begets socialization:  the capacity for skillful and mature relating to other human beings.  There is no evidence to support such an assumption despite its popularity.”

A very interesting section.

5.  “It is not friends that children need.” -  “Until children are capable of true friendship, they really do not need friends, just attachments.”

6.  “Peers are not the answer to boredom.”  Also a good section. 

The authors are careful to point out at the end of the chapter that their intent is not to tell parents that children should not have friends, but that parents should view play time with children as fun, and that’s it and that we should connect with our children after every peer interaction.  They go on with sections regarding peers not being the answer to eccentricity, and how peers cannot be relied upon to sustain a child’s self esteem, and how peers are NOT the same as siblings and how a more appropriate substitution for siblings in the case of an only child are not peers, but cousins.  A very interesting section!

Did you like this chapter?  Thoughts?

Many blessings,

Carrie

This Week In Discipline–MAPIT

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M-  Movement.  Approach your under the age of 7 child with an idea about movement.  Use movement with your words to get done what needs to be done.

A- Attachment.  You can be home all day with your child, yet never really connect.  Connect with your child.

P- Positive Attitude and Patience.  Children are little, you are going to have to go over and over and over this.

I- Imitation.  Children imitate your every gesture, and what you do in your work in nurturing your family.

T- Take your time.  Calm down, breathe, give a minute to answer.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Third Grade and The Nine Year Change

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Well, this year in Third Grade has been an interesting ride.  I have some advice for all of you coming up to Third Grade, but please keep in mind I am only basing this on my personal experience and your child may not experience any of this at all.

Nine is the age of DOING.  I read that over and over and over places, did my best to put it into practice with practical life skills, music and singing, crafts, handwork, doing math with games and hands-on application in addition to more regular work.

And it was interesting, because it seemed as if nine has been one large outbreath.  It was an age of writing and drawing skills regressing for my child, to the point where she looked at her Second Grade Main Lesson books and said, “I did a much better job last year.”

It was the year of “Mommy, I am trying to be careful and not rush……but I just want to be done.”

It was the year of frustrations and tears in the late fall especially, and now things seem to have evened out.

So, here are my suggestions:

Here are some posts about homeschooling Third Grade: 

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/04/waldorf-third-grade-student-reading-list/

        and here: 

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/07/26/a-brief-note-about-waldorf-third-grade/

         and here:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/11/layout-of-blocks-for-waldorf-grade-three/

         and here: 

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/27/waldorf-third-grade-handwork-projects-for-fall/

         and here: 

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/30/waldorf-homeschooling-third-grade-first-old-testament-block/

    Many blessings to all,
    Carrie

The Overwhelming Year

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Has anyone else been experiencing the Overwhelming Year?  It has been an interesting school year for us; it was hard for us to settle into a rhythm the first half of the year and then when we were finally settling in  my husband started to travel and I was solo.  It was the year when it became apparent that the activities my oldest child was involved in ramped up to levels that were beyond what I was capable of sustaining with the other small children. It was the year many of our friends’ family lives unraveled.  It was the year that things I wanted to get off my plate still remained.  It was the year I got asked back to work in physical therapy twice and I had to make the very difficult decision to not do that.  Twice.    It was the year things were not smooth; they were not always wonderful.

Yet, there were pockets of joy.  There have been times this year  I have acknowledged my weakest areas and met them head on.  There have been times of learning and growing and finding out about myself and delving more deeply into my values.    There have been times of connection and community that sustained me.  There have been people who have loved me just for being me.   I thank them.

In spite of times that are sometimes overwhelming, I  do not wish to  have a simple life.  I doubt my life will ever be simple; I am too enmeshed with raising small children and  helping mothers and  a myriad of other things for life to be simple.  Sometimes I  wish for balance, I always hope and look  for connection, but I do not  wish for things to be so simple that there is not striving.

If you are experiencing a complex year, an overwhelming year, I encourage you not to find the nearest exit and crawl out, but to work and strive to let these times mold you and shape you.  I encourage you to find humor, joy, truthfulness goodness and beauty.  I encourage you to find support in real-life people, not just the Internet.  I encourage you to become the expert on what YOU need and to become the expert regarding your own family and your own life.

Always striving, live big!

Carrie

Interesting Observations About The Five Year Old

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Those of you who have read this blog for a long time know I rather disagree with The Gesell Institute book “Your Five-Year-Old” where five is seen as the golden age.  To me, five actually can be rather quirky and some five year olds seem stuck back at four with exuberant, out of bounds behavior and still on potty words….or they can be forging ahead to the six/seven year change.  Either way, it seems anything but golden to many parents I speak with. 

I have been observing a group of five year olds recently and have  noticed some interesting behaviors for five.  For those of you with five year olds, do any of these things ring true for you?

  • There is a big issue with birthdays – hard time with sibling birthdays, very sad indeed.
  • The other issue with birthdays is that the older five year old/early six year old wants to play only with people of the exact age of the child herself.  So, therefore, it is really concerning when a friend has a birthday and therefore obviously won’t want to play with the child anymore (“Because now Fanny Friend will be SIX!”) or the child doesn’t want to play with a child  younger or older. 
  • Five is the height of nightmares, and usually the child will wake up and scream but can’t seem to get out of bed well or wake up well or go back to sleep well.  The Gesell Institute does note that bad dreams persist until about age 8, with a lull at age 8 and then a  rise again  at age 9.
  • Typically tensional outlets are at a low, but increase again around five and a half.
  • Five is not an exceptionally fearful age, but six is full of fear.
  • There is a rise in marked rise in appetite at four and a half to five….  Many of the children I have been observing seem to ask to eat all the time.

I have several back posts about the five year old that you may find helpful:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/22/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-five-year-old/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/

There are also many post if you use the search engine regarding the six/seven change. 

Many blessings,

Carrie