Category Archives: Family Life

Dads, Waldorf Homeschooling and Parenting

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More questions from the field!  A wonderful mother and frequent reader writes in:

“My question….. I am having trouble convincing my husband that under 7’s are best served by being pictorial and active. He is a wonderful father that likes to give big, grown-up, factual answers to questions. He also likes to read grown-up stories to our four year old (Treasure Island, The Count of Monte Cristo). He is so proud of his smart son and feels that he is bright enough to listen to these stories. I try to talk to him gently about Steiner’s ideas for I do not want to micro-manage their relationship.

Our budget is very tight, so I would love a suggestion of something to read to him (so I can save my pennies and buy the best book that I need).
Thank you!”

Here are some  ideas:

  • As far as the “adult” answers to things, I think one thing  you can do is model.  When your wee one asks questions, see if you can answer and model in a pictorial way, an active way.    It also helps to get together with other families who have children who are the same age as your children, but also with some who have older children as well  so Dad can see how very little a four-year-old really is when compared to a ten-year-old (and also how immature a ten-year-old can truly be, LOL)
  • You can also have a heartfelt talk and talk about the “normal” four-year-old or six-year-old and realistic expectations for those ages.  The Gesell Institute books, whilst not Waldorf, backs up a lot of what four-year-olds and other ages truly understand (and don’t).  It also is anti-teaching a four-year-old to read, and lays out exactly what a child of each age is likely to do at the dinner table during meals, which are also frequently Top Dad Concerns.  I also have table manners under the “Starting Solid Foods with Your Infant” post on this blog. 
  • I think it also helps to talk about what we remember doing when we were four; if Dad can’t remember perhaps his mother is still alive and can recall some things about when Dad was four.  Not only great fodder for bedtime storytelling, but also can help point out that four is really darn little.
  • As far as Waldorf books, actually, I think Jack Petrash’s “Navigating the Terrain of Childhood” is one that really speaks to fathers, and the one I would recommend to start.  The other book I thought of was “Heaven to Earth” by Sharifa Oppenheimer.  That might also be a place to start if you don’t have that one……(just ignore the references to time-out in the last chapter of the book!  :))
  • And yes, I think being gentle and not micro-managing their relationship is important.  Your little boy is very lucky he has a Dad who wants to read to him every night.  The story is most likely going right over his head, but he is getting to spend time with his father, and that is priceless.   (I did have to laugh a bit about Count of Monte Cristo though!  I remember that from the 10th or 11th grade?!   College? :))   After some of these  books are finished, perhaps you can line up a few books that might be more appropriate for a four-year-old, (NOT by saying the other ones were inappropriate, of course, but just mentioning that many four-year olds really seem to like this book)  and also perhaps encourage storytelling.  Storytelling is wonderful!   Here is a list of books for the Under-7 crowd:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/more-books-for-children-under-7/    
  • The other thing to encourage is the “physical” piece on weekends – wrestling games, playing in the yard, being in nature,  all of those kinds of things to get both of them out of their head.   Dads are so good at roughhousing and kids really need that! 
  • I like Donna Simmons’ Audio Download available here:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/audio-downloads.html   entitled “Talking Pictorially and Living Actively With Your Young Child.”   Perhaps Dad would be willing to give that a listen?
  • Above all, approach all this with love and respect; how wonderful to have such an involved Dad!   It sounds like you really appreciate the relationship Dad is developing with his son, what a great model for all the mothers who read this blog to see!

Hope that helps a bit!

Other Questions From the Field About Dads

Q.. Dad is undecided about homeschooling, please help.

A.  Please see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/12/15/a-letter-to-all-those-dads-undecided-about-homeschooling/

The other thing I would add is that many families start homeschooling on a “trial” basis for a year or so….and then they like it so much they never look back.  🙂

Q.  Dad and I have completely different styles of discipline.  What can I do?

A:  This is a tough one and unfortunately it  comes up frequently.    Really all one can do is sit down and talk about it, with the utmost respect for your partner, even if you don’t agree with his views.  After all, he only wants what is best for your children, even if his methods are different than yours.  Sometimes this boils down to realistic expectations, and for that I again refer to The Gesell Institute books (“Your Three-Year-Old”, “Your-Four-Year-Old”, etc).    Many fathers have very high expectations of their first-born child once they hit three or four or five, and don’t understand how truly little those ages are.  Once your oldest hits  “older” and you have younger ones coming up on three, four and five,  many parents realize for the first time how little those ages are (but when this age is your oldest they seem “so big now”!)

The other thing you can do is  model how you handle things and see if that rubs off at all.

I have seen several cases of this, however, that required family counseling with a neutral party in order to really come up with ground rules that both parents could live with and be happy with.  Attachment Parenting International recommends Imago therapists, see here for a therapist in your area: http://www.imagotherapists.com/default.aspx  

Peace,

Carrie

The Magic of Three Kings’ Day!

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I hope everyone had a wonderful Three Kings Day last week!  We certainly did!  I wanted to get this post out about Three Kings’ Day last week, but you all know about life with a baby, so here it is now for future planning. (By the way, here is my post from last year about this festival:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/07/three-kings-day/)

This is a holiday I just love,and there are many traditions surrounding this day (known as Three Kings Day, Epiphany or The Feast of  Theophany, depending upon what country you live in and what religious traditions you follow) and the night before (known as Twelfth Night).  There is more about all the different customs here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(holiday)

Christians celebrate is that on the 12th night after the birth of Jesus, the Three Kings were led by a star to find Him in Bethlehem.  They brought gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh.  This night marks the end of the Christmas season, and is also traditionally the time to take down the Christmas tree and all decorations (although some traditions do leave the Christmas greenery up until Candlemas on February second).

Many families make a cake for Twelfth Night, with a bean or pea tucked inside it for a little Queen or King to find! In England, Twelfth Night is a festive time for merriment and good cheer! (Wassail is a beverage associated with this night as well).

In Germany, children dress up as the Three Kings and go from house to house to collect money for a charity (and usually get a sweet or two for themselves and their fine singing!)  In Scandinavian countries, there may be a procession of singers led by “Star Singers” that move from house to house.  Russian children wait for Mama Babouschka to fill their shoes with gifts, as children in Spain wait for gifts from the Three Magi.  Italian children wait for Old Befana to bring gifts as well.  French families typically share a Kings’ Cake.

The day after Twelfth Night is Epiphany.  Epiphany is actually one of the very oldest Christian festivals.  Besides the Three Kings, also celebrated is  the Baptism of  Jesus and The  Divine Manifestation of the Holy Trinity and the Revelation of Jesus to Man.  There were some great pictures of people celebrating The Feast of Theophany (as the Orthodox church calls it), where waters are blessed and some people around the world plunge into cold waters in remembrance of this special day.  See here for the pictures for this special blessing of the waters:    http://sttheophanacademy.blogspot.com/2010/01/theophany.html

In some parts of Europe, it is customary to incense your house and cleanse it for this time.  One then writes above the front door in chalk C+M+B flanked by the year (so for this year it would look like this:  20+C+M+B+10).  The C,M,B can stand for the Three Kings themselves:   Caspar, Melchior and Balthazar, although many of German friends say the C,M,B stands for “Christ Bless This Home” or a variant of that.

If you are wondering about the Three Kings, the authors of “All Year Round” write, “In the Gospel story we hear about Wise Men guided by a star; they are never referred to as kings, nor is it said that there are three of them.  An unknown but powerful tradition has transformed these sages (the “Magoi” were Persian priests of the Zarathustrian religion) into three kings, representing them as young, middle-aged and old, and sometimes of three different races:  the African, the Caucasian, and the Asiatic.  They have also been given names:  Caspar, Melchior and Balthazar.”

In Ireland, Epiphany was a day known as “Women’s Christmas” or “Little Christmas”, celebrated with a special meal of sandwiches and little cakes.  Ruth Marshall, author of “Celebrating Irish Festivals:  Calendar of Seasonal Celebrations” comments that “The stable/crib however remains in place, with the three kings there now, until St. Brigit’s Day.”  So for those of you who have Three Kings that have traveled all around the room to get to the Infant Jesus, take note that these things can remain until Candlemas time!

So, what are some fun ways you could celebrate Twelfth Night and Three Kings Day in your family?

1.  You could bake a cake – either a Kings’ Cake or make the Epiphany Cake on page 242 of “All Year Round” or the “Galette des Rois” on page 154 of “Festivals Family and Food.”  You could also make wassail or some sort of spiced cider.

2.  You could make Twelfth Night a night of games and merriment in your family, complete with riddles to solve, puzzles, games.

3. You could take down your Christmas Tree and all greenery.  In “All Year Round”, the authors suggest “If the Tree disappears from the house mysteriously overnight, the place where it stood will appear less empty if a bowl of sprouting crocus or hyacinth bulbs are found there – a token of springtime yet to come.”

4. You could remember Three Kings Day in a quiet way and read the Gospel accounts of the Three Kings, perform a play as a family, and sing songs special to the occasion.  You could also tell a story – the Legend of the Baboushka, or “An Epiphany Story of the Tree” on page 157 of “Festivals Family and Food”.

5.  You could prepare for Plough Monday, the Monday after Epiphany.  This used to be the official start to ploughing in England, and is often seen as a general “clean up” day to officially end the Christmas season.

Blessings,

Carrie

January Focus On The Home: Meal Planning

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Hi there!  Do you know where your meals are?

A very important part of both La Leche League, Attachment Parenting and Waldorf is a focus on nutrition derived from whole foods.  Waldorf also brings in the concept of warmth through food.

I don’t like to dwell specifically on HOW one should each – that really does make me bonkers and you can see my post when I was ranting about this here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/05/the-mini-rant-discussing-food-with-children-under-the-age-of-7/  , but I do think no matter how one chooses to eat, it should involve mindfulness. 

I will at some point post some things about an anthroposophic view of eating, just for fun, but here are a few things to ponder to help you get organized:

First, do you have a menu plan each week?  If you abhor making your own and making the grocery lists that go with it, here are a few options for dinner:

Do you have a plan for breakfasts, lunches and snacks?  If you say that the first snack of the day always involves the grain of the day or is always cut-up vegetables with a homemade dip, this simplifies meal planning.  If you are searching for the grain of the day and trying to incorporate that into your week, try this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/23/steiners-grain-of-the-day/

Melisa Nielsen has a lovely post about her “Snack Tray” here:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/03/behold-the-wisdom-of-the-snack-tray.html

Do have a rhythm as to what day of the week you shop and what you buy when?

For the way we eat, and for those of you who want to eat with whole foods, many times there are no cost-savings coupons available.  I suggest connecting with your local farmers or farmers market and eating what is in season.  I have farmers now to supply any meat my family would eat in bulk, eggs, cheese, raw milk, vegetables and there is a farmer’s market (granted 41 miles away!) where I can buy cases of organic oranges and young coconuts, for example.  Sometimes smaller ethnic grocery stores also have good deals.

If you do shop in a store or at a farm, don’t rush.  This is a great opportunity for your small children to learn in life.  Make a morning of your “market day.”  Too often I see parents rushing through shopping and I wonder why. Nourishing our families in warmth and love should be important enough to teach our children about it in an unhurried manner.

Third, do you have a daily rhythm to how you cook?  I think with small children as much preparation ahead of time is good as many children are not happy around meal time – that witching hour!

Here are some suggestions for dealing with the dinner hour:

  • For those of you who are not eating raw and are cooking things, I suggest using a crock pot for wonderful bean soups and other warm meals.
  • Try feeding the children a small snack whilst you cook.
  • Involve the little ones in your cooking as much as possible – keep your gestures light, warm and loving.  Start dinner early so you have time.
  • Give your children some leftover spices or dough or whathave you to make their own concoctions!
  • Try also setting up a small play scenario near the kitchen so your little ones can weave in and out of work and play.

Please don’t forget that an integral part of cooking is the tender way you wipe the counters down, clean off the cabinets, dry dishes – sing, hum, immerse yourself in the task and your children will see the revernce and love one can find in the ordinary.

Much love,

Carrie

An Emergency How-To: How To Parent Peacefully With Children Under Age 9

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(This post is geared toward those times when you are feeling angry daily with your children, not so much for the occasional angry moments.  This is sort of like “Emergency Management for Chronic Anger”…)

If you are having an emergency in attempting  to parent peacefully, here is a top 10 list of how to do this:

1.  Start with understanding your own triggers for anger.  Write down the things that are “making” you angry.  If every item on that list is child-related, please check and double-check if your expectations are realistic.  Underneath anger are usually other feelings such as fear or sadness.

We are all human, and we do get angry.   Here is a great post about the opportunity that occasional episode of  anger affords children in learning:   http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2008/08/dealing-with-anger.html  , just to remind you that the complete elimination of anger is not a realistic goal, and that occasional anger is normal and even healthy.  The important thing is to show your child constructive ways to deal with anger AND how one can transfor oneself from “Angry Person” back into “Normal Person” without hurting anyone physically or verbally in the process!

2.  Get support.  Find your local La Leche League group here: www.llli.org and find your local Attachment Parenting group here:   http://www.attachmentparenting.org/.   Call these Leaders on the phone and talk to them.  Both La Leche League and Attachment Parenting put loving guidance/gentle discipline as a main philosophical tenet.  Get a family counselor’s assistance as well.  Many health care professionals will work on a sliding fee scale.

3.  Get support from your family, friends and neighbors.  If you are out of control angry everyday with your children, you may need more support right now.  Even the 10 year old down the street who could come and play for an hour with with toddler while you are there could be helpful.  Investigate all possibilities for help.  Call in your friends and explain that you need extra help right now.

4.  Check out what is going on with you and your family members physically.  Is there a physical reason why you are so tired or depressed?  Is there something going on with your child?

5.  Check your environment – visual clutter can wind many children up.  Clean up their sleeping areas to be restful.

6.  Make a list of what you will do to calm down when you are angry and post it somewhere prominent.  There is no problem that cannot wait a moment to be solved, and on top of that, how many problems can be solved anyway with everyone yelling and crying?  That is not a teachable moment.  It is okay to take a moment before you address the situation.    Remember that your role is to teach and to guide your children toward being capable, loving, responsible adults.

7. Check out your food; dyes and preservatives and common allergens can make behavior worse.

8.  Check out the amount of outside active  play your children are getting!  They need to get some energy out before they can sit still.

9.  Check out what you are requesting of your children; particularly with chores, which seem to particularly anger parents, children under 9 need you there to supervise and assist, to show them how to do it.  Children under 7 need to most likely do it with you to have it done to your satisfaction.  Children should be expected to work round the house as part of the family; however, for small children we view the parent working and the child weaving in and out  and then moving into chores that you have helped them to learn over time, and at under 9 they may still need some supervision or they will get distracted by something else along the way.  Check how many times a day you are requesting your children to do something; if it is constant nagging and asking a child to clean up or assist in household chores, that to me is a signal that there 1. Is too many things out in the environment to clean up and/or  2.  is no consistent rhythm to chores on a daily basis or a weekly basis.

Watch what you say to your children!  Use your words like pearls: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/19/using-our-words-like-pearls/

Promote kindness in your home: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/

10.  Learn how to forgive yourself.  See this post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/waldorf-guilt/

and this one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/15/my-kids-deserve-a-different-mother/

Much love and peace to you,

Carrie

Joy For January!

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I ADORE January!  There is something about the new year, fresh starts, blank calendar pages, the whole lure of cleaning and organizing,  that I just love!  And the gardening catalogs and seed catalogs start to show up!  Did I mention that?!  Another reason to linger extra long over a cup of hot tea!

I invite you to take a look at some focus areas for the month that may help your life run a bit smoother in the New Year.

How about this wonderful home cleaning plan from the Organized Home website?  I plan on following this and thought some of you may be interested as well:  http://organizedhome.com/clean-house/2010-new-year-grand-plan-cleaning-challenge

From the Waldorf end of life, I know January can be a very cold month for many of you and harder to get the children outside for long periods of time.  So, in that spirit, I propose to spruce up the play spaces.  Can you rotate some toys in or out?  Can you set up some play scenes with silks and other natural objects?  Here are some back posts to get you  started if this is new to you:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/05/fostering-creative-play/

and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/more-about-fostering-creative-play/

If it is really cold where you are, how can your children get their energy out and their sensory needs met?  Do you have a little trampoline, a small plastic box for tabletop sand play, a swing to hang in a corner, pillows to jump on, creative and active singing games? Will they be kneading bread, rolling out cookie  dough with a rolling pin, crawling under tables like a puppy, jumping like a toad, playing with salt dough?

For my Down Under readers who are in the height of summer, how about this back post?      https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/01/celebrating-summer-with-small-children-a-waldorf-perspective/   

As far as your own work, what new practical skill are you going to learn or work on this January through May time frame?  Knitting, hand sewing, cooking, baking, weaving?  I have some plans for sewing some dolls’ clothes for Valentine’s Day.   Our Waldorf homeschooling group will be making Rose Windows in honor of Valentine’s Day, which I am excited about as I have never done that.  I also am in the mood to knit so I will continue making hats for everyone in the family.  What are doing with your hands this season to show your children work?  Even showing a child ten or fifteen minutes of work is of value!  Start with small time frames when you have wee ones about!

What artistic work are you doing?  Have you tried your hand at wet-on-wet watercolor painting, modeling or drawing?

Where are you with parenting?  This month I will be writing about children and chores, the realities of life with the one and two-year old, more about quiet time, and more, more, more!  What do you need to hear this month?  Leave me a comment and I will be happy to see if I can work it in!

Meditate over your children at night and any challenges you may be facing. Talk about these challenges with your spouse.  Grow in your intimacy as you share your parenting journey together. 

As far as inner work, “Joy for January” is a great title and a great start to the New Year!  What brings you and your family joy?  What can all of you do together, as a family, that will bring you all good memories and lots of joy?  Take that blank calendar and pencil in some dates for fun!  Ice skating, sledding, skiing, hiking, going to the seashore for my Down Under readers – all wonderful!

I think it is a myth that  in Waldorf that “we never play with our children” (um, at least it is a myth in my home!).  I sure do!  I love to play:  board games, card games, make believe with the children’s fairies and fairy house and dollhouse.  If you have a child that is under the age of 7 and they are your oldest, they will need some help with playing as they are at the height of their imitative phase.  They may not spontaneously generate ideas to  play without you to imitate, at least to start!  So brush off your creativity and see what comes up!

This month, in the light of the candlelight and firelight of your warm and snug home, tell your children some stories.  Make up some, tell them stories of when you were little and when your parents and grandparents were little.  Sing and make music.  Play some games.  Snuggle up together and read some books.  Delight in being together, and find the joy in this journey as we go through the cold winter.

Joy for January’s Journey,

Carrie

For Mothers In The New Year

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I hope this is the year you are “good enough”

I hope this is the year you have more joy than ever before.

I hope this is the year you investigate your faith and find a faithful community to join and pray with.

I hope this is the year you have the cleaner, more organized home that you have always wanted.

I hope this is the year you fall in love with your spouse again and again.

I hope this is the year you will enjoy your children and have fun with them.

I hope this is the year you will learn some new skills and enjoy the process.

I hope this is the year you will start telling stories to your kids instead of reading them all.

I hope this is the year you are outside and active as a family in all seasons.

I hope this is the year you sing to your children and teach them singing games.

I hope this is the year you draw closer to your own family; your own parents and siblings.

I  hope this is the year you spend time with the friends you hold dearest.

I hope this is the year you take a vacation, no matter how short and close to home.

I hope this is the year you start a garden.

I hope this is the year you set the tone in your home and become the Queen that you are.

I hope this is the year you will be the most gentle parent you can be.

I hope this is the year you forgive yourself.

I hope this is the year you become healthier by exercising and eating healthy foods.

I hope this is the year for all your dreams to come  true.

In 2010, I am committed to encourage and inspire you to do all of the above.  Thank you for reading my words and for all the gifts you bring here and  to your own families.  This blog is only a little over a year old, and has brought me much joy.

In Joy, and Happy New Year!

Love,

Carrie

More About Celebrating The Twelve Days of Christmas

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Reader Juliane from Sweden has a beautiful blog with many activities and stories for The Twelve Days of Christmas.  Here is a link to Day One:  http://frokenskicklig.blogspot.com/2009/12/stars-twelve-days-of-christmas-number.html.  Follow along with me!

Thank you Juliane!

Carrie

Inner Work for The Holy Nights

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What inner work have you done for The Holy Nights so far?  This is one thing I have been playing with, and perhaps you will find it of use.  This was inspired by Lynn Jericho’s meditation for The First Holy Night found here:  http://innerchristmas2009.blogspot.com/2009/12/december-25th-first-holy-night.html  I am going to work with this meditation throughout the Holy Nights this year.

I was very inspired by the idea of drawing what my soul inhales – what have I taken into my soul this year?  I found I took in much joy, laughter. support and love from my friends, love from my children, intimacy and love and laughter from my spouse, warmth, the quiet and stillness of nature.  I made a very conscious effort this year to let go,  plan for things that bring me joy, plan things with friends and to be easy with myself.  Overall, this is one of most joyful years I have experienced in my life and in my 17 years of marriage.   But it would also be honest to draw the moments of extreme sadness and despair for a friend ‘s experiences, moments of feeling anger or feeling overwhelmed, and also to draw those “steely” moments of intense determination and preservation.  What did I breathe out to those around me?  What did I breathe out to my spouse, my husband, to my Beloved Creator?  What did I breathe out to my friends?  To strangers?  These things I will draw tonight.

And over the duration of these Holy Nights, I will be drawing what I want to take into my soul this year,and most of all. what I want to breathe out this year.  In the past two years, I really worked with being easy with myself (essentially, being “good enough”, not perfect! Can any of you relate to that at all?)  This year I added being able to “let go”.  One thing I am really meditating on is just being able to listen with “no comment.”  (Do you all remember the “No Comment” post here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/11/cultivating-no-comment-the-inner-work-of-advent/    )

I will be drawing and then moving into wet-on-wet painting to express this.

So, what have you taken in this year?  What have you breathed out to those around you?  What do you want to take in more of this year, and how will you make this happen?  What will breathe out to those around you this year and how will you do this?  What will your inner work look like this year?  What will your parenting and your homeschooling look like this year?

If you feel inclined, please do share what work you are doing!

In Gratitude for You on this Special Day,

Carrie

When Both Parents Need A Break

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I hear the following scenario(s) a lot:  Mom and Dad have a preschooler; Mom is at home: Dad has a lot of commitments: Dad would like to have some time to himself; Mom would like some time to herself and therefore would like Dad to spend some time with preschool-aged child OR Dad would like to spend some time ALONE with Mom but Mom is very attached to their child and finds it difficult to leave.(And I know some mothers who feel Dad cannot handle their child and won’t leave child with Dad or child doesn’t seem to want to stay with Dad).  Whew!  Lots of different things going on here!

I have many thoughts on these scenarios; let’s see if I can sort them out bit by bit.

Scenario #1 – Dad has many commitments. Mom would like a break when Dad gets home but Dad is rather tapped out.

Here are some thoughts:

The first thing my husband said when I said, “Quick!  What comes into your head with this scenario?” was this:   “Life before children is not the same as life after children.  Can Dad back off on some of these commitments for these Early Years?”

Yup, he said that.  No prompting, just honesty!  I love that man!

So, Number One:  BOTH of you look honestly at your commitments  outside the home and ask is it essential or not?  What is essential right now is  raising your child.  That has an expiration date and the time to this child-raising is now.

Also, these times may call for tough choices if all these commitments are economically necessary.  Could you move to something smaller to live in?  Could you go to one car?  Could you cut back anywhere?

Okay, moms, before you get all happy over that (“See honey, I told you so!  You need to be home!”) please consider this:  Dad may need some time to switch gears prior to walking in the door and being handed a child. There may be several ways to handle this:   Dads, can you stop on the way home and work out?  Listen to something that settles you down on the commute home? Or Moms, can Dad have some time when he walks in the door to switch gears – sometimes feeding the children a snack or having a craft at the ready keeps the children from attacking Dad the minute he walks in the door.

And Moms, make home a place Dad wants to come home to.  If all you do is nag and complain, why would he want to be there?  Think about this, meditate on it, pray on it.

The other facets of this scenario to consider include these three things:

1. Many small children really only want their mothers at bedtime unless you have worked to make Dad the main bedtime person.  Bedtime may not be the best time for daddy-child relationship success and yet it is the time of the day when mothers are completely tapped out.

2. So, if the end of the day is everyone (including the adults)  falling apart, it may be your child is completely overtired.  If you have a three or four year old who is not napping, they most likely will be ready for sleep at 6:30 or 7. Stop trying to keep them up to see Dad get home from work at 8 PM unless your child gets up late in the morning.

3.  Moms, if you are that worn out at the end of the day, look back to your rhythm.  Does it have a balance of out-breath and in-breath?  Can you gear your whole afternoon toward bedtime?  Dinner in the crock pot so  you can spend a good amount of time outside in the afternoon?  Switch up the routine so your child has a nice warming bath with a lavender foot massage, warm food, warm bed?  Snore.

Scenario #2 – Dad would like some ALONE time with Mom, Mom is reluctant to be away from child.

I say this a lot  on this blog:  It is Attachment PARENTING, not just Attachment Mothering.  A relationship with your child is not a substitute for the intimate relationship with your spouse.  Check out the back posts on marriage here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/27/more-on-marriage-how-do-you-work-with-the-differences/

and https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/08/parenting-as-partners/

and https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/17/using-your-first-year-of-parenting-to-fall-deeper-in-love-with-your-spouse/

However, I think there are many ways one can accomplish this without leaving your child with a babysitter.  Much of this hinges on an early bedtime though.

Intimacy needs to happen sooner rather than attempting two hours after a small child falls asleep and is likely to wake up.  This time needs to be a priority for both of you.  The crafting, the computer, the TV, the reading can wait – let those things be the things that are interrupted, not the special time that holds couples together!

Scenario #3 – Dad is ready for a outings with child; Mom and/or child not sure about child having an outing with just Dad.

Mothers, you have to feel secure.  If you loved this man enough to marry him and have children with him, (and assuming things have not changed and you still love and trust this man), please give Dad a chance to do things his way with his child.  You may not choose to take your child to Chik- fil- A for lunch, but if Dad does, let that be Their Thing.  Please do not micromanage their relationship.

Experiment.  Is it better if you leave the house and have Dad and child do something at home or is it better to have Dad and child go out of the house while you stay home?  Can Dad take child for a walk regularly to build up confidence on both sides of the coin before a big date out? 

The other question is how involved is Dad in regular day-to-day care in general – it is parenting by both Mom and Dad that count. 

Dads, be patient. Sometimes you have to get through “mommy-only” phases of development.  As our older two grew, my husband and I had a phrase called “PPW” (Preferred Parent of the Week).  Sometimes the PPW was him, sometimes it was me.  Sometimes it is hard not to take it all personally, but don’t, because it just is.  These phases come and go and pass.

And please, Dad pick things that are not too over–stimulating or crazy for the under-7 crowd.  An under-7 child would be just as happy going to see a construction site for free rather than a huge tour of the museum or a carnival.  Remember that under-7 children, while they love “new” and “special” don’t need to do everything under the sun whilst they are little.  New can be a walk where they see something new, a trip to a construction site, shooting hoops in the park…it does not have to be “big and better and best” to get a child’s attention. 

Just a few thoughts in this subject,

Carrie

The Twelve Days of Christmas

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In times ago, Christmas was celebrated as a festival of twelve days and thirteen Holy Nights.  Christmas Eve is actually the first of the Holy Nights, with the first day of Christmastide being Christmas and then the Holy Nights extend until Twelfth Night on the eve of January fifth (anyone remember Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare?)  January 6 is of course Epiphany.

These Holy Nights, is one of my most personally fulfilling times of the whole year.  It is a very inward time, a time to dream and a time to plan.  I do a lot of reflecting and thinking about what I want to see in my family life during the next year and what I want to see in myself.   I try very hard to schedule nothing during this time, and to have copious amounts of time to just be.  We hike a lot during this period if the weather holds up, and otherwise just enjoy being together.  You can see my thoughts about the Holy Nights and where I was in inner work last year at this time here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/12/24/the-holy-nights/

Some families give gifts on only Three Kings Day, and some give a small gift every day throughout the Twelve Days.  It might be nice to spread out your gift-giving.  This Wikipedia definition has more about these days in general:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve_days_of_Christmas

Many Waldorf families mark this time by setting up a path of stars for the Three Kings to travel on to reach the infant Jesus.  Some families make an Advent-type calendar to mark these days.  Some families make a Weather Tree, and have fun guessing what the weather will be like each month of the new year based on the weather of each of the Twelve Days.

This is a great time to play card and board games with your family, to catch up with your family and friends, to grow more intimate with your spouse or partner as you plan and dream together.

Where are you right now in your inner work?  Where are you in parenting and homeschooling? Planning for the next school year (assuming you will be starting another school year in September of 2010) is right around the corner.  Perhaps you can use some time during these Twelve Days to talk finances with your spouse regarding your homeschooling budget.  This is important; there would be expenses even if your children were in school, so you should also be thinking and planning for Spring purchases for Fall.

Where is your house?  Perhaps during these Twelve Days you can consider what projects around the house might need to get done.  Where is your rhythm, your menu  planning?

This is your time to slow down, to take stock.

Enjoy this quiet, introspective time –

Love,

Carrie