Category Archives: Development

A New Rant: This Just Out Today….

Posted on by
8

(This post is more about COMPUTERS than TV, but at the bottom you can read a lot of comments about TV and how different families deal with TV and other screens. This post is written from a Waldorf perspective and the Waldorf perspective actually is NOT that TV or screens are “evil” or “forbidden”, but that there is a proper time and place for these screens in development of the child according to the development of the three and four fold bodies.  That is all!)

Okay, you all can agree or disagree, but here is my rant of the day:

From Nielsen Online:

“Kids from two to 11 years of age are spending 63 percent more time online than they did five years ago, says a report released Monday from Nielsen Online. Children in that age range were online an average of 11 hours in May 2009 versus just 7 hours in May 2004.

Over the past five years, the total number of kids surfing the Net has shot up 18 percent to 16 million, says the report, while the overall Internet population has risen only 10 percent. The younger set now represents 9.5 percent of the online community.”

This just saddens and sickens me.  Really, children age 2 have nothing else better to do than to sit in front of a screen??   Is it not enough that we are already fighting  the insane levels of television watching and corresponding obesity and lack of outside play time for our children?

Are our children truly happy and carefree these days?  Are they healthy?  I would say not.  I have talked with many, many pediatric health care professionals (because I am one!!)   ranging from pediatricians to naturopaths to chiropractors to mental health care professionals who are all saying the same things: kids today are stressed out, they are seeing mental and physical health problems in our children that were never seen before except in middle-aged or elderly people, that children today are anxious and by the teenaged years can be completely depressed, “jaded”, old ahead of their time.

Stop the madness now!

What do children need?  If you all have read any post on this blog you will know what I am about to say:

For Small Children Under the Age of 9:

Imitation and having parents doing something worthy to imitate!, warmth, protection of the 12 senses, outside time in nature, free play with open ended toys, less talking, singing and music and art, practical work around the house, parents who are warm and loving and kind but yet will set limits, a rhythm that does most of the limit setting for you for the under 7 crowd especially, repetition,  less choices, education that focuses on the whole body and all the senses and not just the head, education that focuses on lighting up the imagination and not just stuffing the head with facts, keeping children in their bodies, regular sleep and rest times each day, warming and healthy foods…

Whew!  Did I miss anything??

Television and computers are not needed at such an early age.  Children who start using computers at such an early age are not going to have any more of a technological advantage over a child starting a computer later…Why our educational system has gone to using computers in the classroom for the Early Grades and even Kindergarten and Preschool, I will never know!  Children need to be in their bodies, not with their eyes focused on a screen and their hands tied to a keyboard with rapidly moving images!

This boils down to Parents Feeling They Need Something To Do With Their Children.  And We Don’t Know What To Do, so Let’s Use A Screen.  Small children do not need a screen, they need your loving presence. Instead of popping in a video to get some cleaning done, involve your child in the cleaning.  It may take twice as long, but are you truly in a rush?  Why?  Slow down!  Children are not something you can take and stuff time for them in a day planner.  Children needs copious amounts of Quantity Time.  Unhurried, unrushed time.

Yes, they need your time, in your home, in a peaceful and warm and loving environment.  They need parents who can slow down, and make hard choices to slow down if this is possible.  If you are a single parents or struggling to make ends meet, you may not have a choice whether to stay home or work.  But you do have a choice how you structure the time with your child after work  it most likely should involve not more stimulation, but learning how to be home and be okay with being home…..

Enough ranting now,

Carrie

A Waldorf Parenting Perspective: Won’t Choices Strengthen My Child’s Will?

Posted on by
2

In our society today, we tend to think that offering choices to children is what prepares them best for later decision-making. 

In Waldorf parenting, we tend to think that children under 7 can handle small choices, such as do you want your water in the red cup or the blue one but we don’t always offer an alternative to water if water is what we feel the child should be drinking.  We don’t always offer a whole heap of explanation either; it may just be built into the rhythm of the day that we have juice with breakfast and with all the other meals we have water.  The choice may be to wear a green sweater or a blue one, but not whether to wear the sweater at all as we work with the concept of warmth in the family.  The same thing goes toward such things as setting awake times and bed times, rest times after lunch and times of in-breath or out-breath.  The Waldorf parent feels the healthiest way to teach a child is not through an adversarial relationship regarding these things, not by having a battle of wills, but by having the rhythm of our day do the talking so to speak.  One does not argue with the seasons changing, the sun going down and the moon coming up, and one becomes a rhythmical being by practicing rhythm as set.  Negotiation regarding things sets in more somewhere after age 10, and certainly as the child heads into the third seven year cycle, more and more choice heads into it all.  There seem to be many Waldorf homeschoolers of age 14-16 and older who are very independent, well-adjusted individuals capable of mature decision-making.  I believe this is due to the foundation laid in these early years.

The physiology behind the small choices offered to a small child have to do with Steiner’s view of the seven year cycles.  A small child functions in the will, in the body, in the limbs and not in the head.  Decision-making comes in during third seven year cycle around the age of 14.  If you need further assistance with this notion as seen through the lens of the three-and four fold human being, please do see this post regarding some of Eugene Schwartz’s wise words:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/24/waldorf-education-adhd-and-what-the-parent-of-the-normal-child-can-learn/

These words that Eugene Schwartz wrote might in particular speak to you if you have familiarity of the three-and four-fold human being:

“On what basis will a seven year-old make a choice? Invariably, on the basis of sympathy and antipathy. And whence does he get this sympathy and antipathy? From his astral body, that is, from a member of his being that should not be “activated” until adolescence. An analogy might prove helpful here:

We can think of the child’s astral body as “soul principal” which is being held in a “cosmic trust fund” until such time as the youngster’s lower members are developed enough to receive it, i.e., ages 13-15. As is the case with a monetary trust fund in an earthly bank, it is the trustee’s responsibility to see that the principal is not disturbed for the apportioned period, knowing that the interest that it generates provides sufficient funds for the beneficiary’s needs. If, however, the trustee proves to be irresponsible, and the youngster for whom the principal is intended gets hold of it long before he is mature enough to make wise financial decisions, the principal will be drawn upon prematurely. In the worst case, the entire trust will be depleted, leaving neither interest nor principal at a time in the young person’s life that they are most needed.

In the course of healthy development, the young child has just enough astrality apportioned to her to sustain those organic processes requiring movement and catabolism, and to support such soul phenomena as the unfolding of interest in the world. And where do ADHD children have their greatest difficulties? In developing and sustaining any interest in anything for very long! The environments that we create for our youngest children, the way we speak to our grade schoolers, and our inability to differentiate between what is appropriate for an adult and not appropriate for a child – all of these phenomena eat away at astral “interest” early in life and devour astral “principal” long before it has ripened. By the time many “normal” young people are twelve or thirteen they seem to have lost interest in learning, or even in life; they have “been there, done that,” and take on a jaded, middle-aged attitude toward their own future. The ADHD child is only an extreme reflection of soul attitudes that will be endemic to many American children at the century’s end.”

Powerful and sobering words for us to think about as parents.

A way to help your child’s will be strengthened is to model having a will of your own – not a dictatorship, but not being completely wishy-washy about how things are done in your home.  Being compassionate, being a good listener, but also being able to hold the space in a loving way.

I would love to hear your thoughts,

Carrie

The Waldorf Baby: The First Year

Posted on by
2

Here is a link to a great article by Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool regarding the Waldorf baby and the first year:

http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/early-years-nurturing-young-children-at-home/the-waldorf-baby.html

There is also a link on there to an article I wrote regarding the impact anthroposophy has had on my work as a neonatal physical therapist:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/early-years-nurturing-young-children-at-home/the-waldorf-baby/not-too-hot-not-too-cold.html

And, of course, as a lay breastfeeding counselor and as an AP parent, I agree with the position Christopherus has taken regarding breastfeeding and co-sleeping!

Lots of food for thought in this article!

Happy Reading,

Carrie

Parenting With Courage

Posted on by
6

You can be the parent you want to be.  Choose happiness and peace; choose to be calm in the face of a small child who is upset.  Choose to be loving and gentle.  You will never go wrong by showing your child compassion and love while also having a heart for knowing what will lift your child up and help your child within the developmental stage in which they are living.

I have some general thoughts about parenting with this kind of courage.  And this kind of parenting does take courage!  Many parents today are rushing about, attempting to placate their lack of a family life with their children through a myriad of outside the home activities and a myriad of material goods.

As always, start with yourself.  Do you have integrity?  Are you honest?  Do you have time for your family and friends outside of your immediate family who need your listening ear or your help?  Do you show your child that you help people?  Are you patient? 

Do you have a plan for parenting?  What will your child be allowed to do at what ages?  When will your child get to go to a sleepover, to see a movie, to get their ears pierced, to go on a date?   What tasks do you expect your child to do as part of the care of the household?   What things in your family are rites of passage?  Do you have a plan that encompasses an understanding of where a three or four year old is developmentally as opposed to a ten or eleven year old? 

Do you have warm and loving feelings toward your family, toward having children and raising children or do you feel trapped and isolated?  If so, how could you change that?  How could you radiate a positive attitude about mothering and about life?  Your children are watching  you and imitating your attitude!

Look at your home – is it peaceful?  Summer is here, and there are  still many weeks now before school starts (Waldorf homeschoolers at least take the summer off!)  You could really go through and organize and deep clean one room a week until school starts……Have the decluttered environment in your home you have always dreamed of!  You could also go through and put one small thing of beauty in each room – perhaps a small crystal, a flower in a small bud vase or something special to your heart.  You don’t need a lot of financial means to clear things out and put a few flowers around!  Remember, Waldorf is not about the wooden toys per say, but about understanding the essence of the developmental stages. 

Look at your children – are they happy, healthy and thriving?  What do they need to be in that place besides you centering yourself?  One area that I think helps besides just a lot of love and listening and compassion  is to give children work to do. 

If your child is three to six years of age, you may have to be right with them and holding the space, but I bet they can dress themselves with you watching, brush their teeth and floss their teeth with your help, brush their hair with your help, make their own bed with you on one side and them on the other, put plates and cups and bowls by the sink, help fold laundry and put it away, bring clothes to the laundry room for washing, dust, scrub the toilet, sweep, water plants at first with supervision and then by themselves and lots of other things!  One would never expect a three-year-old to just run off and do these things, but start building it into your rhythm.  We get up, we go the bathroom, we eat breakfast and get dressed or however you do it in your home – if it is part of the rhythm and you are there to do it first, to guide, to be there for them to imitate, it will become habit.

For seven to twelve year olds, your child could clean their rooms with help at first, doing it with you holding the space and then doing it on their own, they could wash dishes, load and unload a dishwasher, cook simple meals, and a myriad of other things. 

My almost eight year old asked my husband the other day if she would ever get a cell phone like Daddy and Mommy have.  My husband looked at her and said, “Yes, honey, when you can work and pay for the phone.”  Now, we don’t have as much need for a child to have a cell phone as we are not separated from our children due to school or at  other activities where we are not present in some form, but I still thought that was a great answer!  Teens can definitely work and pay for things – cell phones, car insurance, gasoline they use in the car and other things.  The teenaged years are practice for life, for managing money, for decision making, for understanding and yes,even experiencing the consequences of decisions.  It sounds difficult for a mother’s soul to hear when she has little ones, but it is the natural course of life. 

Summer is a great time to map out a plan to deal with whatever challenges your family is facing right now.  Be that positive light to uplift and embrace your child!

Until next time,

Carrie

“The Brain Trust”

Posted on by
2

Not too long ago, my husband took me aside and talked to me about my life.  He essentially said there were several friendships and organizations he noted I was nurturing, but he could tell the effort I was putting forth was not being met equally from the other side.  (Has anyone out there ever had that experience?)  He explained to me that he would love to see my cultivate some friendships that were especially supportive to me and nourishing to me.  He asked me, “Who in your circle of friends truly nourishes you when you spend time with them? Have you seen any of them lately?”

Well, I sat down and made a list and then I picked three ladies off my list whom I don’t get to see as much as I used to, and I picked up the phone and called them.  We all agreed to meet for dinner at a local restaurant without our children for  true night out to nurture ourselves as women and as friends.

What a delightful and illuminating evening!  What wonderful, frank conversation we had as we discussed our lives and held council together.  Three wonderful souls surrounded me that night, and I hold them as my “brain trust” – the women with whom I can speak with and garner support from.

How much time are you spending on friendships or organizations or on things that are just not nurturing your soul?  Or, conversely, do you have any close friends whom you can really talk to?  I think every woman really needs that. 

My husband is my best friend, but he often reminds me men can be true problem solvers and not always as patient regarding the “venting” of life that another woman can provide.  Other women can give us strength and wisdom as we travel this path.

I urge you to connect with your close friends and value your relationship,

Carrie

The Twelve Senses

Posted on by
24

I am going to try and synthesize a few things for you all that I recently learned from Donna Simmons at the Waldorf At Home conference held in Atlanta,  a presentation by Daena Ross for Waldorf In the Home (available through Rahima Baldwin Dancy’s on-line store in CD and DVD versions) and Barbara Dewey’s section on the twelve senses in her book “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge”. 

I am by no means an expert on the twelve senses, although I will say the twelve senses make a whole lot of sense to me due to my background as a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist.

Steiner postulated in his lectures that there were not only the five most obvious senses that we think of, but actually twelve senses that required development.  This has been proved in the medical community, although sometimes in medical literature and therapy literature you see reference to “systems” rather than “senses” although they are truly talking about the same thing!

The twelve senses are what unites the inner and outer world of the individual and what allows us healthy interaction with other people at the highest developed levels.  It takes a long time for these senses to be developed, but the foundational senses needed to develop some of the upper senses are most developed in the first seven years.  There we are, back to my soapbox about the first seven years!

The Lower Senses are seen in our will forces, they are unconscious, and they manifest in the metabolic-limbic system.  These include:

The Sense of Touch – through the organ of the skin.  This includes what is inside of me and what is outside of me.  Important ways to boost this foundational sense include vaginal birth, swaddling, holding, positive tactile experiences (NOT PASSIVE experiences, like through media or Baby Einstein! Active experiences!)  The lack of completion of this  sense is strongly related to ADHD according to Daena Ross. 

The Sense of Life or sometimes called The Sense of Well-Being – this encompasses such things as if you can tell if you are tired, thirsty, hungry.  The best way to boost this sense is to provide your children with a rhythm to help support this while it is developing.  Some children have great difficulty recognizing their own hunger or thirst cues, their own need for rest or sleep. A rhythm can be a great therapeutic help in this regard.

The Sense of Self-Movement – this is probably more familiar to therapists in some ways as the “proprioceptive system” in some ways.  This sense encompasses the ability to move and hold back movement, and can also encompass such sensory experiences as containment (which can be a form of massage for premature babies) and also swaddling.  Childhood games that involve starting, stopping can also affect this sense.

The Sense of Balance – This is balance in two separate realms, from what I gather from the Daena Ross presentation.  It is not only the ability to balance by use of the semicircular canals of the ears  for midline balance so one can cross midline but also refers to the  balance of life and being able to be centered, which again goes back to rhythm and the idea of in-breath and out-breath.  Donna Simmons calls this one a gateway to The Middle Senses.

The Middle Senses are seen in our feeling lives, involve us reaching out into the world a bit, they are seen as “dreamy” senses and manifesting in the rhythmic system.  THE CHILD HAS NO FILTER TO FILTER THESE SENSORY EXPERIENCES OUT IN THE EARLY YEARS.   In the later years, the arts build these senses, which is why the Waldorf curriculum includes teaching through art in the grades.   These senses  include:

The Sense of Smell –  strongly correlated with memory.  This can be an ally in education of the grades age child, but beware of scented everything when your children are in the foundational first seven years. 

The Sense of Taste – Not only on a physical plane, but an emotional plane in naming experiences (a “putrid” experience, a “sweet” experience)

The Sense of Sight  – with two different ways to visualize something:  one is the ability to distinguish color, and the other is the ability to distinguish form (which Daena Ross says is more related to The Sense of Self-Movement).  The best way to help this sense is to protect the eye from media while developing.  A way to bolster this sense in the grades, but not the Early under 7 Years, is through form drawing.

The Sense of Warmth –   Donna Simmons calls this one a gateway to The Higher Senses.  This sense does not fully develop until age 9 and can literally cause a hardening of creativity and new thought as the child matures, but also can refer to a literal inability of the child to be able to tell if they are hot or cold.  Warmth implies not only physical warmth, but warmth on a soul level.  Joy, humor, love, connection are all important developers of this sense along with PROTECTION from extreme and garish sensory experiences that would cause hardening.  This is a very important sense, and children need help with protecting this sense until the age of 9 or 10, so much longer than many parents think!

The Upper or Higher Senses develop during adolescence and require a strong foundation of The Lower Senses and The Middle Senses to come to maturity.  These senses are associated with awakening of the individual, with being concerned with other people and are seen as being centered in The Head.  These senses include:

The Sense of Hearing (which Daena Ross calls “a bridge between The Middle and Higher Senses” in her presentation)  This requires completion of The Sense of Balance – both of these senses involve the organ of the ear.

The Sense of Speech or The Sense of the Word (this is the speech of another person, not yourself) – Requires completion of The Sense of Self-Movement as you must be able to quiet your own speech in order to really hear another person.

The Sense of Thought or The Sense of Concept (again, of the other person, not your own thoughts!) – Requires completion of  The Sense of Well-Being.  Rhythm builds this ability to quiet oneself in order to hear someone else’s thoughts.

The Sense of  the Individuality of the Other (Donna Simmons also calls this the “I-Thou” relationship of boundaries) – This requires integration and completion of all senses, but particularly involves The Sense of Touch according to Daena Ross. 

The most important take-away point for my parents of children under the age of 7 is that children need rhythm, a balance of in-breath and out-breath and protection of the senses from too much stimulation, from media and boundaries set by the parents to wear clothes (VERY difficult with some little nudists!).  The development of these senses is also profoundly related to sleeping and what occurs during sleep to build all of this up.

Waldorf Education is first and foremost about health and the twelve senses provide a glimpse into some of why things are done in Waldorf the way they are!  I encourage you to investigate the twelve senses on your own.  In this age and day of skyrocketing ADHD/ADD, autism spectrum disorders, sensory processing disorders, this should be mandatory learning for all parents. 

With love,

Carrie

The Power of Being A Positive Mother!

Posted on by
12

Today we had some friends with their children  over to swim and I looked around in amazement at how much the children  had grown – how many of them have already “thinned out”, how many were all legs and such.  It was truly a time to enjoy the marvels of their healthy bodies running and playing and swimming under the sun.

And what I realized in that shining sunlight was that these were what a friend of mine would call “tender and precious” children.  It is not that these children don’t have their own bumps in the path, or their times of disequilibrium as they grow and mature, but that they are truly tender and precious – just like their beautiful, wise and wonderful mothers!

Because all of us are spiritual beings on a spiritual path.  My path is to draw closer to God throughout my lifetime.  How much are we called to be positive beacons for our children,  to lift our children up to the next level, the next place, to support and love unconditionally?  How much are we called to just love one another and these beautiful beings who chose to share their souls with ourselves and within our family?

There are so many myths surrounding motherhood in our society – that motherhood somehow forces a woman not to use all of her skills, that motherhood somehow stunts a woman’s growth in her life, that motherhood is somehow “just being a mother”.

We have the unique opportunity to model for our children the very best qualities of ourselves and our society.  We have an incredible opportunity for self-examination and self-discovery.  Why does this behavior bother me so?  How can I surrender myself and decrease myself and increase my neutral, calm, centered peacefulness more?  How can I be a better listener?  How can I use less words but still gently guide my child as needed?  Motherhood  provides us the opportunity to ask the difficult questions of our own values and priorities and really solidify that.

Being a positive mother is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give your children.  Use your words so wisely, so carefully with your tender and precious children.  We are all adept at finding one another’s faults, those weaknesses.  Back off and also see the good, see the wonderful moments as they are.  See the things that people say to you with the best underlying intention that you can imagine. See the things your children do with the best underlying intention possible.  As a Waldorf parent, I believe that small children are truly neither good nor bad, but again, on this spiritual path and learning.  I have tremendous influence here.  I am a woman of worth for my children and my family. 

Encourage your children, encourage other mothers, encourage your spouse and encourage yourself. 

Be wonderful in living this moment together,

Carrie

Common Toddler Challenges and How to Solve Them

Posted on by
24

Common Toddler Challenges:

“Into Everything”:

Options:

  • Child-proof, child-proof
  • Model how to explore fragile things with your help and put away
  • Keep less things out, access to art supplies, toys, etc should truly be limited

Your Ideas:

Picky Eating:

Options:

  • Rule out a physical cause; check food allergies and sensitivities
  • Limit high-fat and high-sugar choices, have many healthy choices
  • Look at your child’s food intake over a week, not just one day
  • Have a schedule/rhythm for mealtime and snack time  and sit down with your child to eat in an unhurried manner
  • Serve smaller portions – your child’s stomach is the size of their fist
  • Serve your child’s favorite foods as a side dish to a main meal
  • Do not feel ambivalent about your child’s ability to eat what you serve
  • Allow an option to have toast or cereal for one night a week
  • Try frozen vegetables, such as peas and corn right from the bag or raw veggies with dip if your child is old enough and this is not a choking hazzard
  • Let the kids have a vegetable garden – children often will eat what they have grown
  • Start calling green veggies “brain food”
  • Sneak veggies and fruits into smoothies, or finely grate or chop and mix into foods the child likes
  • Fill a muffin tray or ice cube tray with different healthy kinds of snackable foods that the child can pick from
  • Model good eating yourself – eat a wide variety of foods!

Your Own Ideas:

Poor Sleeper:

  • Rule out physical problems  – many children had reflux when they were younger and are off of medications by the time they are a year or so, do make sure reflux has not reared its head again.  Check www.pager.org for more details regarding gastro-esophageal disease.
  • Educate yourself regarding normal sleep behavior – segmented sleep throughout the night was the norm until the Industrial Revolution
  • Expect disruptions in sleep around change, stresses, developmental milestones
  • Try a more consistent routine during the day calming and soothing techniques for naptime and bedtime
  • Try lots of daytime sunlight and dim the lights after sundown; put your house to sleep after dinner
  • Limit afternoon over-stimulation, be home and have a consistent routine where things are structured around getting ready toward sleep
  • Look at the foods your child eats
  • Hug, sleep, hold your child – parent them to sleep
  • Co-sleep
  • Remember that many toddlers and preschoolers are poised for an early nap and an early (6:30 to 7:30 PM) bedtime – sometimes we just miss the window!
  • Watch out for TV and other media exposure
  • Many normal, health co-sleeping children do not sleep a 7 to 9 hour stretch until they are 3 or 4 years old.

Nurses all the time:

Options:

  • Review normal nursing developmental milestones – 1 and 2 year olds do nurse frequently!
  • Check to see if there are stressors, changes, developmental milestones coming into play
  • Evaluate at what other times your child gets your complete attention
  • Perhaps your child is ready for a more consistent routine, more and varied things to do, more physical activity outside
  • Keep a consistent rhythm to the day and night but varied playthings available
  • Limit your own phone and computer time as this is when many children want to nurse!  LOL!

Your Own Ideas:

Refuses bath:

Options:

  • Use bubble bath, toys
  • If she fears soap in her eyes, use swimming goggles or sun visor
  • Try bath in the morning instead of at night
  • Try a shower
  • Get in tub with child
  • If child fearful of drain, can drain tub after child out of tub or after child  leaves room

Bites adult:

Options:

  • Do not take it personally, do not over-react
  • Most common between 18 months and 2 and a half years
  • Re-direct behavior
  • It is not okay for your child to hurt you!
  • Do not bite for biting!

Your Own Ideas:

Bites other child:

Options:

  • Watch child closely during playtime but realize children of this age do not need many playdates if any at all – limit the exposure and situations you are putting your child in!
  • Give attention to the victim
  • Usually biting stops by age 4

Your Own Ideas:

Slaps faces:

Options:

  • Re-direct behavior
  • Do not hit for hitting
  • Model non-aggression

Your Own Ideas:

“Demanding, exacting, easily frustrated”

Options:

  • Review normal developmental milestones and behavior
  • Check how many choices you are giving and how many words you are using and use LESS
  • Try to get in a lot of outside time
  • Go back to the basics of rhythm, sleep, warm foods, nourishing simple stories and singing

Your Own Ideas:

Will not get dressed or put on shoes:

Options:

  • Plan ahead and use easy to put on clothing, check for tags, seams
  • Sing a song, look for body parts, dress by a window
  • Dress together
  • Put clothes on when you arrive at destination

Your Own Ideas:

Running Away in Public Places :

Options:

  • Limit the number of public places you take child
  • Bring along a second adult to help if possible

Your Own Ideas:

Temper Tantrums:

  • It is OK to feel angry or frustrated; accept the feeling
  • Look for the triggers – hungry, tired, thirsty, hot/cold, over-stimulated
  • Try to avoid situations that set your child up to fail
  • Give YOURSELF a moment to get centered and calm
  • Remove yourself and child from scene if possible (if a public place)
  • Can get down with child and rub back or head if child will allow,  can just be there
  • Once child has calmed down, can nurse, give him a hug, get a snack or drink
  • If child is mainly upset and gets wants you near but you cannot touch child, consider doing something with your hands to keep that peaceful, centered energy in the room!  Hold the space for your child!
  • Do NOT talk – for most children this just escalates things!
  • If child is okay with being picked up, can go outside for a distraction

Your Own Ideas:

Refuses Car Seat

Options:

  • Let child have a bag of “car toys” that can be played with as soon as seat belt is buckled
  • Have a contest who can get in the fastest
  • Be a policman, fireman, truck driver

Your Own Ideas:

Roughness with Pets:

  • Model gentle behavior for child with pet
  • Child can help do things for pet (but remember, a child younger than 12 does not have the physical and mental capabilities to fully take care of an animal!)
  • Separate pet and child

Your Own Ideas:

Aggressive Behavior:

  • Try to understand need or trigger beneath the behavior
  • Have a rule such as we hit, we sit – Child must sit by you
  • Help the children involved get  their needs met  by structuring turns, etc.
  • If fighting happens with one friend, you may have to have them stop playing
  • together for a time.
  • If the hitting involves a new baby or young sibling, your first goal is to protect the baby
  • Have a “calm chair” or “calm place” with books, drawing materials where everyone can go together until they are calmed down.
  • Your child may need way less playdates, time outside of the home than you think – be very careful and clear that the places you are bringing your child are truly for them and not for you!  If you need times with other mothers, focus on getting bedtime down so you may be able to go out after your child is asleep and have some adult time!

Your Own Ideas:

Separation Anxiety:

  • Do not force your child to jump into situations he is nervous about – allow him to watch from the sidelines for awhile, and respect his choices.
  • Provide opportunities for your child to take small steps toward independence
  • Do not overprotect your child – do not be the hovercraft
  • Acknowledge and respect your child’s feelings
  • Give your child permission to stay with you – “You can stay here as long as you want to, or you can play and come back for a big hug.”
  • Allow the clingyness to run its course – it may be developmentally normal, or it may come out in a time of stress or change
  • Give your child something of yours to hold on to and keep close
  • Reassure your child by being confident you can walk 10 feet from her and it really is OK – If you say, “Don’t worry, I will be right here if you need me” implies there is something to worry about! Try positive, quiet phrases.
  • Again, I truly feel children in the toddler years are NOT meant to be away from their families and that we as a society really push the classes, lessons, independence of this age – Please do be careful the things you are doing are really for your child and not for you and not because “other people are doing it”!

Your Own Ideas:

Tooth Brushing:

Options:

  • Start early
  • Model good dental habits yourself
  • Make it fun – try electric toothbrushes, an egg timer, different kinds of toothpaste
  • Use the dentist as the authority on how many times a day to brush the teeth
  • Talk to the dentist regarding frequency of cleaning, putting sealants on the teeth
  • “Look” for sugar bugs or parts of food from dinner in a playful way, count teeth while brushing

Your Own Ideas:

Resources:

  • Ames, Louise Bates. Your One-Year-Old.
  • Ames. Louise Bates. Your Two-Year-Old.
  • Budd, Linda. Living With the Active Alert Child.
  • Bumgarner, Norma Jane. Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.
  • Cohen, Lawrence. Playful Parenting.
  • Coloroso, Barbara. Kids are Worth It!
  • Dettwyler, Katherine. “Sleeping Through the Night.” http://www.kathydettwyler.org
  • Flower, Hilary. Adventures in Gentle Discipline.
  • Kohn, Alfie. Unconditional Parenting.

As always, take what works for you and your family. Thanks for reading,

Carrie

Tripping Into The Toddler Years

Posted on by
11

(This post is written more from an attachment parenting perspective).

Toddlerhood IS a time where children have a lot of energy and curiosity, and a time when many parents feel there is a shift in parenting going on – the wants and needs of the toddler are becoming two separate things!

Before you can decide how you want to channel the energy of toddlerhood, it is helpful to know two things: 1. What type of family are you? (this is a determinant in how you perceive and handle typical toddler challenges) and 2. Normal developmental milestones of a toddler ages 12 months to about age 3 and 3.  How do you view guiding your child?  What are your foundational principles?

What Kind of Family Are You??

 

In the  book Kids Are Worth It! Barbara Coloroso defines three types of families:

  1. Brickwall – This type of family has a definitive hierarchy of control with the parents being in charge, has lots of strict rules, a high value on punctuality, cleanliness and order, a rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual or threatened violence, the use of punishment to break the child’s will and spirit, rigid rituals and rote learning, use of humiliation, extensive use of threats and bribes, heavy reliance on competition, learning takes place with no margin for error, love is highly conditional, gender roles are strictly enforced, children are taught what to think but not how to think.
  1. Jellyfish A families – most likely raised in a Brickwall family, this parent is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but does not know what to replace it with. So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits and tends to smother his children. Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs. The lack of structure can then lead to a frustrated parent who ends up resorting to threats, bribes, punishments.
  2. Jellyfish B families – May be struggling with personal problems that keep her almost totally centered on herself. No one is around to provide a nurturing, caring, supportive environment.

In both types of Jellyfish families, the following characteristics prevail: Anarchy and chaos in the physical and emotional environment, no recognizable rules or guidelines for the children, arbitrary and inconsistent punishments and rewards are made, mini-lectures and put-downs are the main parenting tools, second chances are arbitrarily given, threats and bribes are frequently used, everything takes place in an environment of chaos, emotions rule the behavior of parents and children, children are taught that love is highly conditional, children are easily led by their peers.

  1. Backbone families – Democracy is a learned experience where children see their feelings and needs are respected and accepted and they also see that it is not always easy to juggle the wants and needs of all members of the family, mistakes are viewed as opportunities to grow, rules are simply and clearly stated, consequences for irresponsible behavior are either natural or reasonable (see attached handout), children are motivated to be all they can be, children receive lots of smiles and hugs, children get second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and to act responsibly on those feelings through a strong sense of self-awareness, competency and cooperation are modeled and encouraged, love is unconditional, children are taught how to think, children are buffered from sexual promiscuity/drug abuse/suicide by three messages: I like myself, I can think for myself, There is no problem so great, it cannot be solved.

Linda Budd, Ph.D., looks at three traits central to all families in her  book “Living With The Active Alert Child”: who’s in charge, what the family values, and how the family handles emotion. She breaks families down into the following categories:

  1. The Closed Family – There is someone clearly in charge, and the others are expected to follow and be obedient. The family values stability. There are many traditions and rituals to create this strong sense of family unity. The family has a hard time with the intensity of emotions. Benefits of this family type include the children growing up with a strong sense of order and feeling secure within the family structure.
  1. The Random Family – Control in this family changes hands frequently- no one person is in charge. This family values freedom, choice, competition, challenge, creative expression. Individuals are valued over the family unit. People in this family express themselves passionately, intensely, authentically. Children in this system have few limits and limited supervision, but their creativity and intensity are confirmed.
  1. The Open Family – The family values equality. Control is cooperative, participatory and persuasive. Consensus is used to make decisions. The family values dialogue, tolerance, adaptability. The family needs are balanced with individual needs. The child is valued as a partner who needs help in discovering her own limits. Parents and child negotiate limits and collaborate in problem solving. Cooperation and responsibility are valued. Children feel as if they have mutual power, and that their feelings are acknowledged.
  1. The Synchronous Family – Control is understood without one person being the source. Control comes from a shared goal or value system, not from an individual. Adults assume children will learn what is correct and what is expected by watching the parents’ example. Emotions are reserved. Children gain a strong sense of security, order and routine.

Food for thought: What kind of family is your family according to either Barbara Coloroso’s or Linda Budd’s structure?

Are you and your significant other different according to Barbara Coloroso or Linda Budd’s structure? What was the family you grew up in like?

NORMAL DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES FOR THE ONE AND TWO-YEAR OLD

Age 12 months – Typically…

Nurses very frequently, almost like a newborn at times

Many mothers pick a code word for nursing at this time

Cannot accept delays or explanations regarding nursing

Heads into period of disorganization (waking up at night, separation anxiety) prior to new developmental milestones.

The drive to stand and walk takes precedence over all other activities

Loves an audience, sociable

Control over feeding is (SHOULD BE) the child’s

Molars coming in; chewing on everything

Very few distinguishable words, points and gestures

Separation and stranger anxiety

Age 15 months – Typically…

Still nursing very frequently, almost like a newborn at times

The dash and dart and fling stage

Demanding, tends to grab, cry, scream

May be rather asocial, undemonstrative

Temper tantrums emerge (if they have not already)

Cup and spoon mastery may be happening

Attention span is short but will examine objects with real interest (but for less than 5 minutes)

Age 18 months-Typically…

Negativism prevails – wants what he wants, when he wants it

Turns to mother when tired, unhappy

Likes to mimic household activities

Not interested in other children – to large extent ignores them or tries to explore them by poking their eyes, pulling hair

Can play alone

Temper tantrums

Nighttime waking appears with new stresses

Walking may still be a bit uncertain, loves to go up and down stairs, squat, climb into chairs or sofas

Will lug, tug, push, pull, pound things

May run away from parents in public places

Protests violently at separation from parents

Parallel play with peers

May see biting, hair pulling, scratching, hitting toward other people

Play is child’s most powerful way to learn

Age 21 months…Typically…

Can be one of the hardest ages – wants are more definite

May be height of wakefulness at night

Height of taking clothes off and running around naked

Still easily frustrated with lots of temper tantrums

Understand which objects belong to individual family members

Cares about “mine”

Knows where household items belong

Can solve some of their own problems themselves when playing

Age 2 years – Typically…

Many still need to nurse often in order to calm themselves, but some children may nurse only around bedtimes and naptimes

Some children can begin to adjust their requests for nursing to places and times that are most comfortable for the whole family

May have difficulty going to bed/falling asleep

Warm, social

Can run little errands within the house

Touches and tastes everything

Uses sentences with verbs and is beginning to use adjectives and adverbs

Parallel play with other children

 

 

Age 2 and a half – Typically…

Much improved coordination – can walk on tiptoes, jump with both feet, climb, slide, speed up, slow down, turn corners, make sudden stops

Tense, rigid, explosive, bossy, demanding – (but unsure of himself/environment)

Demands sameness, routine

May stutter, have increased tensional outlets

May have frequent night waking, talking in sleep, night terrors, difficulty going to sleep

Self-feeding with lots of messiness prevails, smearing of food, may throw dishes on floor

May be interested in potty training

Masturbation and genital exploration common

Violent mood shifts – will suddenly become angry and out of control

Can most certainly help around the house

Closer to 3 years old, may get tired easily, easily fatigued, wants to be carried

Interacts with other children but may be in aggressive manner, possessive of his things

Hitting, slapping, pushing, screaming

Suggestions:

Accept need for sameness

Bypass head on confrontations

Divert with conversation

Distract, change the scene

Talk in advance about what will happen

Use music – sing, use verses

Age 3 years – Quick look ahead: Typically..

Can usually go along with your nursing preferences most of the time

Is tranquil, cooperative

Can help set table, prepare simple foods, clean up afterward

Usually potty trained by this point, at least for the daytime

Can be fearful and have phobias

Imagination begins to take fire, may develop imaginary friends

Has a newfound sense of humor and is able to show empathy

Friendships become more important

Will focus completely on one parent and ignore the other and then switch

Help Channel the Energy:

15 to 18 months

Gross motor activity

Loves to swing and bounce up and down (no walkers or such, please!)

Pounding toys, xylophones

Lots of time outside

Remove all breakable objects from reach

Loves to fall on purpose, slide down or bounce down a small slide

Loves to rock on a rocking boat

Loves to push furniture or toys

Two Year Olds-

Water play

Likes routine, imitating grown-up tasks

Play with homemade playdough

Stacking toys

Sand play

Blocks

Enjoys music, rhythmical activity

Acts out their own eating or sleeping

Doll play

Daily walks with opportunity to touch everything

FOUNDATION OF LOVING GUIDANCE

Use the least intrusive strategy for a situation – you will never err by being gentle

Distraction

Remaining calm and being patient is VERY important

Model what you want and set the example

Attribute the best possible motive to your child’s behavior

 

See the positive intent behind your toddler’s behavior,

Carrie

A Vacation Away From the Computer!

Posted on by
6

Don’t get me wrong, I like computers.  I love writing and researching and my computer is a wonderful tool and means to do this. 

However, I have been thinking a lot about the generally addictive nature of the computer in relation to Waldorf.  Part of the issue with Waldorf Education is to put in rhythm and times of in-breath and out-breath for our small children so they can develop balance and health.  Mothers sometimes talk to me about their little people who would be happy to do nothing but look at books all day or color all day or what have you.  This goes back to YOU, the mother, being the one to set the tone in your home by having times for those types of activities and times we don’t do those activities.  It takes effort to provide a rhythm, but what a wonderful payback for the effort invested!

So, now let’s jump ahead to us, the adults in the family.  There was an article in my newspaper this weekend about folks being addicted to Facebook, and it made me think about my own computer habits.  Stop for a moment and think about your own computer habits.

How many times a day do you check email?

Do you wake up in the middle of the night and want to go check email or Facebook?

Can you turn your computer off at 8 PM and be done for the night or does the computer keep beckoning to you to come and look at something else on it?

Interesting questions, aren’t they?  One thing many people are doing is taking time away from the computer – whether that is one day a week without turning the computer on or if that means closing down the computer at a certain time every night – that is up to them. 

If we want our children to achieve balance in their adulthood, the best thing we can do is to model this for them in our own lives.  In addition, if we follow the thought of having times of  in-breath and out-breath in our own homes in order to bring rhythmical qualities to our children so they can then take over these forms themselves, we are doing them a huge favor toward health.

Food for thought today,

Carrie