Category Archives: Development

How Not To Be The Angry Parent

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To read  this in Spanish, please see here:  http://fabiolaperezsitko.blogspot.com/2010/01/eres-un-padre-enojon.html

Are you ever an angry parent?

Conflict is a part of life, and anger is not a BAD emotion – it is just a feeling like other feelings.  However, many parents choose to discipline their children when they are angry or hurt.  Some parents choose to hit their children when they are angry.  Hitting a child is wrong, (if you need an argument for this please see this post:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/20/getting-past-fear/ )  and when we lose control and responsibility for our actions when we are angry we lose that teachable moment.  A  split-second action in anger can also cause a parent to have remorse and guilt.  It can necessitate an apology!

Instead of losing control, I would like to talk to you today about how not to be the angry parent.  I personally believe the number one reason parents get angry with their children is that their children “are not listening.”  Many times this happens in conjunction with having to complete something on a tight time table.  Sometimes it just seems as if the child is endlessly negative, or the temperament of the child in conjunction with the parent leads to a fragile relationship between the child and the adult.

However, aren’t children supposed to be immature?  Children are noisy, messy, and yes, often immature.  Otherwise they would be born as adults and age backward, right?

I believe anger issues actually are OUR problem, the parent’s problem.  Usually we are trying to do something in a tight time frame, we are carrying in baggage from our own childhood (“I NEVER would have talked to MY parents that way!), we are tired and stressed out over things that may or may not even have to do with that child, we are carrying unrealistic expectations of that child’s behavior, or just in general our needs are not being met.

In the heat of the moment, what one needs is the ability to calm down.  This may entail taking a “parent time-out”.  Many parents complain about this because they are ready to explode, they are trying to get away to calm down for a minute, only to have  a screaming child follow them!  Ah, that  youthful immaturity again – an adult probably would give you the space to calm down whereas a child may not!

What do you do then?

My personal vote is to go outside.  I pull a lot of weeds in yard when I am angry, and that helps me calm down before I do something stupid.  My children can be out there, but will often give me a bit of space in an open area (as opposed to going into the bathroom with everyone yelling and screaming on the other side of the door!). 

The question becomes:  What do we want our CHILDREN to do when they are angry and how can we model that for them?  If we walk around yelling and slamming doors, how can we be surprised when our six-year old does that?

After you are calm, hopefully you can return to the situation and work to solve the problem. Help the child, guide the child.  Breathe in and breathe out.

Patience is developed over time.  I am certain I am more patient with this third child than I was with my first child.  Learning to relax into parenting and how to let go of the mentality that every single thing must be addressed so the child will not become a Detriment To Society is also learned.  Set a timer and see if you can keep your patience for half an hour if that is where you are, and work up from there. You can do this!  Fill your own tank so you have something to give.  Get your children into a rhythm with an early bedtime so you have time for you and time for you and your spouse. 

Most of all, be thankful.  Go look at your children while they are sleeping, those small faces, realize how very little ages three, four and five really are.  And in this time of dwindling light and moving into darkness, work to cultivate yourself as a light for your family.

Blessings,

Carrie

Mealtime Rhythms and Routines

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This is a lovely post by Annette that is sure to give you inspiration:

http://natural-childhood.blogspot.com/2009/11/mealtime-rhythms-and-routines.html

Thanks Annette!

Carrie

An Anthroposophic View of Walking

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Anthroposophy views the tasks of the child’s first three years to be learning to walk in the first year; speech in the second year; and the emergence of thinking in the third year (and yes, a later post will address why we start academics around age 7 when thinking begins to emerge before that time).  Today we are going to look specifically at walking and why this is important in anthroposophic terms.

I am currently re-reading Karl Konig’s “The First Three Years of The Child:  Walking, Speaking, Thinking.”  For those of you new to Waldorf and anthroposophy, Karl Konig was a physician who founded the Camphill Movement in Scotland in 1939.  The Camphill Movement includes schools for children who are differently abled and also villages for adults who are  differently abled.

Konig talks about the progression to being upright as starting with controlled eye movements amidst that generalized chaos of random lower extremity movement that begins in the first few days of life.  The sequence of walking begins from the head down, and Konig remarks that “This process seems to be patterned after that of actual birth.  Just as in birth the head is the first part of the body, so here , out of the womb of dissociated movements, coordinated movement is born and oriented step by step toward standing and walking.  At the end of the first year the process of the birth of movement is completed.”

The head occupies an important place with learning to walk because as long as the head is “restless and wobbly”, as Konig puts it, walking cannot be attained.  Other important things leading up to the development of walking and seen in newborn includes a positive support response (ie, a newborn will take weight on his or her legs when the soles of the newborn’s feet come into contact with the ground), a stepping response and a crawling response.  These responses disappear and then come back as the true crawling, walking and standing.  Konig writes, “The ability to stand, the reflex walking movements, crawling and the athetotic movements of premature births differ fundamentally from the new phenomenon of walking.  They must disappear in the course of the first year to make walking possible.”

Most of all, anthroposophy sees walking as very important for several reasons.  Walking upright differentiates man from animals.  “Endowed as they are with a horizontally oriented spine, the animals remain part of the world.  They are overwhelmed by sense impressions and the abyss between self and world does not open.”  In anthroposophic terms, walking is also related to the ability to control feelings and moods and also the conscious use of memory.

Happy hmusings for your baby’s first year of life,

Carrie

Be The Beacon!

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An announcement from Melisa Nielsen:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/11/big-announcement-be-a-beacon.html

This is essentially a new program regarding inner work for mothers that will look through many spiritual traditions and look at the philosophical works of Steiner and others to help you, the mother, learn how to be a light for your family.

Here are the details from Melisa from the link above, please go and check it out:

“Monthly Membership includes:

  • Special access to newly recorded shows available only to those participating in the program.  These shows are meant to get you started on this journey and to get you thinking about what inner work means to you. These recordings include:
    • Welcome to “Be a Beacon”
    • Catalysts for Change
    • Personal Gurus
    • The Importance of Inner Work
    • How to Meditate
  • Bi weekly lessons and discussions delivered via private yahoo group
  • 2 monthly private live radio shows/interactive chats
  • Archives available for duration of membership
  • Planning and goal setting tools geared directly to Waldorf homeschooling
  • In depth inner work study covering many faith groups, including in depth Steiner and other modern inner work experts.

Some of the monthly themes include: getting started right, relationships, balancing, knowing when to cut back and how, Steiner’s basic 6 in depth,  festivals and inner work meanings, exploring biography, mediation through Waldorf art and so much more.

When you join, you will also receive recommended reading and tools to get you started along with an invitation to join the private group.” – end of quote

THIS STARTS THIS THURSDAY, November 12th, 2009 so please do go and register if you are interested!

And please let Melisa know I sent you!

Blessings,

Carrie

Links for Dangers of Media for Children

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This is a great article that describes the phenomenon of “age compression” as viewed by a Kindergarten teacher and some things she did to combat this:

http://www.rethinkingschools.org/archive/23_03/six233.shtml

Here is an article from TIME:

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1914450-2,00.html

The sad statistics regarding how much media children are watching:

http://blog.nielsen.com/nielsenwire/media_entertainment/tv-viewing-among-kids-at-an-eight-year-high/

The best antidote you can provide to your children besides the obvious step of limiting media exposure from screens includes providing opportunity for time in nature and plenty of time and open ended toys for imaginative play.

Peace,

Carrie

The Baby Update

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Well, our little guy is now two weeks old!  Time flies!  In one week he gained 26 ounces so as  to now be 1 pound, 3 ounces above birth weight and he also grew a half an inch.  Obviously, nursing is not a big  problem for him.  🙂

We wanted to thank everyone for your well wishes!  It is so much fun to have a baby in the house again!  I will try to post another picture soon!

Love,

Carrie

The Baby’s Intense Need For Mother

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The baby has an intense need to be with its mother throughout the early years.  In traditional terms, the biology of the baby and, in anthroposophic terms, The Madonna Cloak, deems this to be so.  The baby and mother are one.

Many breastfeeding mothers talk about wanting to give their baby a bottle so “Dad can feed the baby and be involved.”  I understand mothers wanting their partners to be involved, and I especially understand first-time mothers who may be viewing this bonding experience between father and infant as something that needs to occur right away.  And I agree that too many attached mothers forget that the baby is attached to the family, not just the mother.

However, just like everything under the sun, there is a time and a place and a way.  Dads are wonderful at taking care of mother while she does the job that only she can do – nurture their baby at the breast.  Dads can cook and clean and help with the older siblings.  Dads can help bathe the baby, do diaper changes with the baby, walk the baby around, sing songs to the baby and hold the baby after the baby has nursed.  Dad can establish connection with the whole family!  Dad can feed the baby solids when that time comes.  (If you have questions regarding that, please see this insanely popular post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/11/starting-solids-with-your-infant-and-picky-toddler-eating/). Dad truly does not have to feed the baby a bottle to be connected!

After three children, my husband now sees this newborn period as a time to  nurture me and our older children.  He is involved with the baby in terms of holding, walking the baby around and other tasks, but he also shrugs his shoulders and says to  our little guy, “ Especially when you get a bit bigger, what a wonderful time we are going to have together!”  He recognizes that in this early period, there is a connection between mother and child that is paramount.  He also recognizes the critical role of fathering for both boys and girls, but knows that right now the needs of the infant are best met at the breast.  For more about mothering and fathering, please see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/23/the-necessity-of-mothering-and-fathering/

I have heard many first- time mothers talk about the changes in their marriage and relationship with their spouse  having a baby  causes.  I have written many posts regarding this,  and here is one of the most popular ones for your reading pleasure:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/17/using-your-first-year-of-parenting-to-fall-deeper-in-love-with-your-spouse/

You do not have to leave your baby behind in order to nurture your marriage. If you only have one baby, you can work toward having a special dinner and a movie cued up for when your baby goes to sleep.  You can have great conversation while your baby nurses.  If you have older children as well, many attached families are still comfortable with being together at home after the children are in bed.  If an attached couple with multiple  children does feel the need to “go out”, many times the older children  may stay with a trusted relative or friend, but the baby comes with the mother. This is not my personal choice for babies due to my Waldorf leanings, but at least we see respect  for that biological and cosmic unity in this scenario.  Perhaps protection from assaults on the senses can occur if the mother and father either celebrate being together at home or somewhere quiet!

At this point, I personally am committed to being home for at least 40 days if not a bit longer.  I am so thankful to my husband, family and friends who are supporting me in this endeavor.  I know the baby appreciates it as well.  🙂

Think about how you can meet the needs of the youngest member of your family today.

Love,

Carrie

The Parenting Passageway is about Parenting, afterall

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Hello and Welcome to all of Carrie’s Readers!

I wanted to share with you a special time in our lives: The introduction of the newest member of our family, Robert Kaj Dendtler (Kaj).  Kaj was born this morning (October 9th) at 8:25A and was 7lbs 11oz!  (Sorry to all of Carrie’s readers outside of the United States, I can’t do the conversion to grams in my head :))

Kaj's Birthday 086I want you all to know how much this Blog means to Carrie.  She enjoys sharing her philosophy on parenting and Waldorf homeschooling.   This little blog has become a true passion for her, and a year after its launch the blog is receiving in excess of 18,000 hits a month!

Thank you all for making that possible and I hope that you not only continue to read, but share this blog with others.   That’s one of the pillars that makes this blog so much fun, the sharing of life stories and all the tips and tricks you provide!

 

 

Peace to all, we’ll be back soon!

For Parents of Intact Boys

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For those of you searching, here is a good article:

http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/library_page1/only_clean_what_is_seen_reversing_the_epidemic_of_forcible_foreskin_retractions/401/1

and another good website:

www.nocirc.org

and a link to their 2009 newsletter:

http://www.nocirc.org/publish/2009nocirc_newsletter.pdf

The NoCirc website also has a whole section devoted to the issue of religion and circumcision.

Hope that is helpful to those of you searching for information on this topic.  There is also a very active sub-forum regarding this issue over at the MotheringDotCommunity Forums:  http://www.mothering.com/discussions/

Many blessings,

Carrie