Category Archives: Adult Development

Cultivating the Early Bedtime for Yourself: The Inner Work of Advent

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I have to confess, I am not a morning person.  In college, I was pretty rhythmical and got up at 6 AM almost every day in order to go workout, but I also didn’t have to talk!  I am working hard to go to bed and get up and be pleasant, LOL.  (Again, I don’t mind being up, it is more the being up and talking :))  Are you a morning person?  Are you up before your children?

In order to have any sort of a chance to be a morning person, you have to actually go to bed at a decent time.  And to go to bed at a decent time, you have to get off your computer, stop your reading or knitting, and go to bed!  Many mothers I know seem to have no problems setting limits on the TV, but have difficulty turning off the computer or putting down their crafting.  What are your own limits for your computer time??

One thing that helps many mothers is to have a nighttime routine.  This may include making sure the kitchen is cleaned up, having  things ready for homeschool the next day, having clothes laid out for family members, taking a bath or shower if need be.  The morning sure goes so much easier when you prepare the night before!

Many mothers ask how they can get up early and ahead of their family if they are co-sleeping; in other words, the minute they put their feet on the floor their child wakes up.  That is frustrating and a challenge!  One thing I think about it is what if you used this early time to sit on a chair in your room with a small booklight and use this early time, even if it is only ten minutes, to read something that is uplifting to you?  This season of your children being small and co-sleeping will not last forever!  Your child is a precious gift, and I think when we can just approach this with a “ho-hum” attitude that “Mommy is awake and doing her special work” rather than “I can’t believe this child is up again!  I never get any time to myself!” things go so, so  much better.  Think positively on the fact that your child may sleep or rest and give you ten minutes to start this special work on preparing yourself to be a good Mommy for the day!  I think too, if you can be persistent over time, your child will see you are not up doing anything “fun” and may at least learn to rest through this time.  Too often we give up after only a few days of trying!

Some mothers say they cannot get up early because their children are already up so early.  This too, is a season that will not last forever.  How about trying to get up even 15 minutes ahead of your children?  How about using a special night light that tells children when they can be “up” and that they must rest in their beds until that light is on……Here is an example of one my husband’s friend created: http://www.goodnitelite.com/index.php?page=product   He gave us one to try yesterday and we tried it last night.  Our girls really liked it, because they knew when it was time to get up even though it was dark outside and my oldest, who is an early riser, didn’t seem to feel so preoccupied with checking the time every few minutes to see if it was time to get up.

Some mothers say they don’t want to go to bed because this is their time with their husband.  I understand that; I love my time with my husband as well!  However, one trend I notice is that husbands and wives are on their separate computers at night for several hours and then come together for talking and intimacy.  How about trying to shorten your computer, reading, crafting, or TV time so you can be together or plan to spend time together first?  Isn’t your relationship with your spouse much more important than your reading time?

Some couples also have designated nights to work on things on the computer or in reading material, and designated “nights off” where they just come together!  How wonderful!

Going to bed and being refreshed benefits you and your whole family!

Happy meditating on this important subject,

Carrie

My Plan for Personal Development As A Homemaker

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My own plan for developing myself as a homemaker includes an inner and  outer core.  Let me explain further, and maybe this will inspire you to come up with your own plan.

In Waldorf education, we look at the soul development of the child and what the child needs according to seven-year cycles.  Here are some thoughts for the first three seven-year cycles:

Ages Birth- Age 7:  Gratitude; Goodness, Imitation (the notion of the child as one large unfiltered sense organ taking all impressions in); Rhythm and Balance; Movement and Play

Ages 7-14:  Love; Beauty; love for natural authority for elders; Imagination; Feelings; Art

Ages 14-21:  Duty; Truth; Intellectual Work; Idealism

So, with keeping that in mind, then I look at what I personally need to develop or work on according to the stages of my children and also my own goals for my own inner work.  For simplicity’s sake, I develop this into two categories: an inner and our core, but you could divide it however you would like!  And yes, most of the things of the outer core absolutely do nourish the inner soul, but the outer core things I think of as more the “doing” the “physical” piece with the inner core being more the things “to meditate on” “ponder”.

Here are some personal examples of what I consider Outer and Inner Core:

OUTER CORE:

  • Setting a rhythm that work for my family.  I say this all the time, but it seems to bear frequent repeating:  cut back on your outside activities, cultivate your ability to be home, start with a rhythm around waking/sleeping/rest times and meals, and build up from there. If this all new to you, try the “Rhythm” tag in the tags box for back posts.  It also bears repeating that Life Before Children is not the same as Life After Children.
  • The other outer piece is to develop skills.  Part of Waldorf homeschooling is learning to teach a variety of skills that seem to be rather lost in our society today – knitting, crocheting, all kinds of art, music, singing, cooking, baking, gardening.  If you would like a complete list for what to be working on when your children are under 7 years of age please see the skill list Lovey and I came up with here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/09/a-mothers-job-in-the-waldorf-homeschool-kindergarten/

So perhaps you pick just one skill for Fall and one skill for Spring and work on those.  Seek out teachers if you need to, buy that book on the subject, watch that YouTube video.  The point is, once you have identified the skill, you can break it  down into what you need to do to make it happen!

  • Time to be outside and observe the seasons, festival preparations and celebrations that are the marker of your family’s traditions and yearly rhythm.

INNER CORE:

When I think of inner core, I am working toward things that nourish the “soul life” of my home.  I am also thinking of the things that add into our Family Mission Statement.  Here is our Family Mission Statement:

Our family will be a place of KINDNESS, as we love one another, help one another, and are gentle and patient with one another in words and actions.

(“Don’t ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet.” Proverbs 3:3 and “Someone with a quick temper does foolish things, but someone with understanding remains calm.” Proverbs 14:17).

Our family will be one of INTEGRITY as we do what we say we are going to do and act in honesty and loyalty to one another.

(“The good people who live honest lives will be a blessing to their children.” Proverbs 20:7)

Our family will be a place of POSITIVE ATTITUDES as we have hope, cheerfulness and encouragement for each other in all situations and challenges.

(“Worry is a heavy load, but a kind word cheers you up.” Proverbs 12:25 and “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, making people happy and healthy.” Proverbs 16:24)

If you need help writing your Family Mission Statement, here is a back post on that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/ 

Your family mission statement can help guide you as to the “intangibles” you need to develop in fulfilling this.  For me, part of kindness is also warmth and  being present.  So  those are the things I choose to focus on and develop in order to fulfill part of our Mission Statement.  Maybe your things to work on are different but I think you can see how this works.

Most of all, KEEP IT SIMPLE.  All of this simply cannot happen overnight; it takes years.  If your children are very small and you are drowning yourself in books and research and plans but no action, I suggest several simple steps:

  • Read Steiner for yourself
  • Pick one main resource for homeschooling help if you are that point (ie, for example, if you are using a Waldorf consultant’s work, pick ONE consultant to follow and consult with!)
  • Pick one skill to develop per semester or year
  • Remember that your own intuition and inner work, along with developing rhythm and being present with your family counts first and foremost.
  • Anything can be done if you break it up bit by bit!

Cultivating the FUN: The Inner Work of Advent

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Why is it that FUN is the first thing that often seems to run out the door when trying to “get it all done”?  I alluded to this in my last post about trying to put people before things, think about this time with small children as a season so as to not get so upset that every single thing is not being done from scratch right at this point.  It takes time to build traditions in the family, your children will  be watching you for many years as you build up the time you spend crafting, sewing, knitting, as they grow!  They will not remember that when they were two years old you did not knit all their winter sweaters by hand!  I promise!

So  where is the FUN??

I think FUN should be as much as a priority as crafting, sewing, cooking and cleaning.  And judging from the mothers I speak with, this is an area that is highly challenging for many of them and  they find this  difficult to develop.  “I just am not silly.  I can’t be silly.”  “It is hard for me to relax and spend time with my children without seeing everything else I should be doing.”  “My husband is the one that really can get down on the floor and have fun with them!”

Okay, yes, but  think back to some skill you had to learn – knitting, sewing, parenting in general! etc.  Did you just throw up your hands and say, “I can’t knit!  I just am not a knitter!” My point is that these things take time to develop.

Here is my Advent Adventure for you.  And here is the best part:  you only need ten minutes a day!  Set a timer if you have to, and set aside five minutes a day to just roll around on the floor with your kids climbing all over you.  Maybe the dog will join in!  Call it Monster or whatever you want to call it and just hug each other and wrestle and have fun!  If that doesn’t appeal to you, how about a five minute game of hide and go seek or tag?  Or five minutes of horsie rides?

For your second five minutes, try to cultivate a playful and FUN attitude whilst you are doing some of that work.  Make pancakes as part of a restaurant, do laundry as part of a pretend dry cleaners, use a silly voice, sing a silly song whilst you are doing something.  Too often we show our children that work is not fun; show them that anything can be fun if one has the right attitude!

Be in Joy this holiday season!

Carrie

Cultivating Boundaries: The Inner Work of Advent

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Like so many of my posts, they just come to me in a spurt of doing something else and I am drawn to sit down and write.  What came to me today is this notion of working on boundaries, and today I would like to talk about boundaries for ourselves.

I see so many mothers who seem to feel almost defeated by parenting and homeschooling, or often feel apologetic for “not doing more”.  I think we need to set a boundary on our own negative thoughts!  Why we are kinder to strangers than to ourselves??

When a child is learning to walk or ride a bike, we provide support and encouragement, not a bunch of comments that will tear that child down.  Let’s vow to give ourselves that same kind of  support and encouragement as we learn and grow.

I have spoken with mothers who literally cannot find one nice thing to say about themselves.  If this is you, ask the people who know you best what nice things they would say about you, your best traits and your best talents.  Write it down if you have to!  Affirm yourself, and have confidence!  You are a wonderful human being and a wonderful parent!  Your child picked you to be their parent for a reason!

Let us also learn to set boundaries with those who are negative toward us.  People who quiz our children on what they are learning in homeschool, people who have only negative things to say about the way we do things or our opinions need the boundaries that we provide them!

Stop expecting perfection out of yourself, your family and your homeschooling.  No one is perfect, yet how often do we act as if the world is coming to an end when things don’t go as we planned?  We all do the best we can do at that moment with the information we have at the time.

And do not compare! It is very easy to look at more experienced homeschooling families who have older children and think they must do everything perfectly.  Every family and every homeschool has its own strengths and weaknesses; just like teachers in a public or private school have their own strengths and weaknesses.  Be content that your children are right where they should be!

Cultivate a few good, trustworthy friends; the kind of friends who will tell you if you are doing something that really does need a second opinion!  But most of all, learn to trust yourself.  Pray and meditate, learn to trust what God is telling you and learn to trust your own gut responses.  How often we negate our own responses to things instead of being confident in our own intuition!

Let your quiet confidence lead you!

Carrie

Cultivating Rhythm: The Inner Work of Advent

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I hear from many mothers of small children who are concerned about their ability to homeschool because their lives are “chaotic” without much rhythm.  They wonder, can I homeschool if I am hopelessly disorganized and lacking in rhythm?

My first answer to this is to be easy with yourself.  If you have three or four small children under the age of 5, know that your life will look so much different than when those same children are much older.  Be easy, forgive yourself.  Sometimes it really does deserve a medal just to get through the day with everyone fed!

However, my second answer to this is yes, think how one can cultivate order and rhythm out of chaos.  Please don’t just throw up your hands and give up and not try.    Children by their nature are often irregular and need your help to obtain some kind of rhythm to their days and weeks.  And yes, Waldorf homeschooling in the grades will certainly be much more successful if you have basic rhythms for rest, food, outside time in place!

In Waldorf, rhythm is extremely important. Steiner recognized 12 senses (if you need a remedial on this, please hit the “12 senses” tag in the tag box).  We look for development for the lower four of these senses during the first seven year cycle in particular and rhythm is important in developing three out of these four senses – The Sense of Life, The Sense of Movement, and The Sense of Balance.   The Sense of Life is the Sense of Well-Being, of feeling “all is well with the world”, a sense of wonder and awe, an inner flexibility.   On The Association for A Healing Education website, Nettie Fabrie, who I believe is a Waldorf Remedial teacher on the West Coast, was quoted as saying that children who do not have this Sense of Life/Sense of Well-Being often have feelings of being unsafe, of fear and of guilt, sometimes with heightened addictive tendencies.  The Sense of Life/Well-Being has direct correlation and development to the Sense of Thought later on.  The Sense of Movement provides qualities of industry, purpose, healthy purposeful movements, connectedness to the body and knowing where one’s space is and ends. I am a physical therapist, and in one sense we would call this the proprioceptive system, but it also is so much more! The lack of  Sense of Movement can manifest itself in children as failure to pick up nonverbal or societal subtleties, depression and inwardness, inattentiveness and fidgety movements.  The Sense of Movement is intimately connected to language later on.   The Sense of Balance provides a feeling of inner balance, an ability to move between tension and rest, a sense of appropriateness, the ability to calm oneself, the ability to give focused attention.  An obvious lack of development of this sense would include impulsivity, inability to slow down, inner agitation.  The sense is connected to the Sense of Hearing later on.  Obviously, this is a glance at this topic, but something to consider and think about.   A sense of rhythm is one thing that is very important to developing all three of the four of these lower senses! 

In practical terms, the foundations we lay are the foundations that our children may keep later on and come back to, even if they are rejected at points as the child grows.  I liken this to this small example:  I had one child who dealt with sleeping in a sling a lot with no set nap schedule, and one child who had a consistent nap schedule.  Guess which child took naps longest?  The one where it was part of the routine.   I am not saying rhythm is the only reason why this was so, but rhythm certainly can be your helpmate.

Rhythm can provide you with a balance.  If you never take time to care for yourself, always going from one thing to the next until you fall over at night, how will your children learn balance?  They are watching and imitating you!  Remember, rhythm is not about a Schedule with Checkboxes.  But it is about a general order, a general flow and that balance of rest and energy, tension and ease.

Here are some open-ended questions regarding rhythm:

  • Do you have rhythms set around mealtimes and rest and bed times?
  • What is your rhythm for  your own inner work, your own work you may do for pay, and other roles you may play besides Wife and Mother?
  • What kind of rhythm do you have for spending time with your partner? 
  • Do you have a general rhythm for taking care of your own health?
  • What is your rhythm for homeschooling?
  • What is the rhythm for balancing being home and being outside of your home?  Are you always going, going, going?  Do you find it difficult to say no to outside things?
  • Do you have seasonal rhythms?  What festivals speak to you –why and why not?

Perhaps as part of your work during this Advent, you can meditate on the concept of rhythm and what that means to you, what it means to your children, and how what rhythm means to you and your children may change as your children age.

Many blessings and peace on this wonderful Advent night,

Carrie

Cultivating Gratitude: The Inner Work Of Advent

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There is a lot of buzz these days around the word gratitude.  Gratitude journals, counting things to be thankful for, making lists of things we are grateful for before meals, an Attitude of Gratitude,  have all been popularized.

Gratitude is an important piece of this time of year, and a work for exploring the inner soul of Advent.  As a Christian at this time of year, I have gratitude for  a Creator who  experienced  life as a mere man.  He is always accessible and ever-present within me, as He has walked this path and experienced the heart ache, the challenges, the temptation, the joy and the sadness of being human.  Such openness and intimacy in that relationship.

John F. Kennedy reportedly said this:  “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

How often do we fail to live up to that highest challenge?  How often do we complain to our girlfriends about what our husbands don’t do?  About the challenging spots our children are in developmentally?  About the never-ending chores of maintaining a home?  The never-ending planning for homeschooling and the actual hours spent in lessons, sometimes with children who seem far from appreciative?

How can we live in gratitude?  If we can model this, then our children will surely imitate what is in our hearts.  Our home will have a different tone as we do this. 

To me the key is this:  if I can radiate a positive attitude within  myself  no matter what the circumstance, then I am expressing gratitude.

A mother within Melisa Nielsen’s “Be A Beacon” program had a wonderful idea regarding stopping negativity. She said one thing to consider would be to wear a bracelet, rubber band, etc on your wrist and if you had a negative thought, just take it off and switch it to the other wrist.  No judging, just move the bracelet. The goal, of course, would be to see how many minutes, hours or days one could keep the bracelet on the original wrist.

Back to JJFK’s statement!  This week, can you show your family how much you appreciate them?  Even better if you can do this with joyous action, not only  words.  Show your spouse how much you love and respect them.   Show your children your respect and love for them.  Enjoy cleaning your home and making it nice for your family!  By taking care of the people, pets and things that we love, we are showing our gratitude that they are in our lives.

Is there someone that helps bring back the spark within you after it has been extinguished?  Your spouse, for certain, but perhaps also a close friend?  Does that person know that?  It is never to late to tell them! 

With your children, can you start to cultivate gratitude in them?  An excellent start is by modeling a positive attitude and taking care of your family and  environment in a joyful manner.  Then, can you reach out to help others in your neighborhood, within your circle of friends or within your community?  This helps to build gratitude and appreciate for what gifts we have and can use to help others.  Every day, bit by bit, year by year, we build our children’s hearts.  Let us be thankful for the opportunity!

Many blessings,

Carrie

PS – Please see Melisa Nielsen’s excellent comment below!  It is not too late to join her program if you are interested!!

Are You Moving Forward Or Just Treading Water?

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Do you have family or friends where the same issues keep coming up over and over and over?  Someone who has health problems, for example, yet does nothing to help himself or herself get better?  Someone who constantly has issues with basic routines of household care but who cannot seem to pull it together despite talking, planning and help?  Someone who wants to change something and complains about said something but just cannot seem to change it?

What is holding them back?  What holds you back?  How can you move forward instead of just treading water?

1.  Get support!  I think this is the number one way to become accountable. For years I was involved in lifting weights, and it was always so much easier to go the gym at 6 AM if I knew someone was there waiting for me.  The same is true for developing habits!  Get support, get a partner, get accountable to someone besides yourself.

2.  Develop your own inner will power.  This is difficult, but sometimes the only way to do something is to just do it! Sometimes in parenting and in life we have to do things we don’t want to do. Don’t want to get up early? Put your feet on the floor and sit on the edge of the bed a minute.  Don’t want to knit?  Do ten stitches.  Work in those baby steps and if you fall get back up again.

3.  Stop using excuses. They only limit you!  Work toward solving the problem, not going around and around about why you can’t. Low on cash and need Waldorf curriculum?  Save 5 dollars each week from the grocery money, save spare change, ask for books for holiday gifts, sell something you own, scour the used Waldorf curriculum list, look on the Internet for free resources, join the national Waldorf Yahoo!Groups and ask questions.  If you want it badly enough, you will work to make it happen!

4.  Make a decision!  Sometimes you just have to stop researching and gathering information, and start doing.

5.  Know when to let go – we cannot be responsible for anyone but ourselves and our own household.  Know when to lighten up; know when to respect other people’s ideas even if it is not what you would have picked or done.  And know when to let go.  If someone feels the need to bring up “that thing” which they love to complain about but have done nothing about, respect that they may only want a listening ear (and it is okay to not have it be YOUR listening ear!)

Keep moving forward toward your dreams!  You can do it!

Carrie

How Not To Be The Angry Parent

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To read  this in Spanish, please see here:  http://fabiolaperezsitko.blogspot.com/2010/01/eres-un-padre-enojon.html

Are you ever an angry parent?

Conflict is a part of life, and anger is not a BAD emotion – it is just a feeling like other feelings.  However, many parents choose to discipline their children when they are angry or hurt.  Some parents choose to hit their children when they are angry.  Hitting a child is wrong, (if you need an argument for this please see this post:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/20/getting-past-fear/ )  and when we lose control and responsibility for our actions when we are angry we lose that teachable moment.  A  split-second action in anger can also cause a parent to have remorse and guilt.  It can necessitate an apology!

Instead of losing control, I would like to talk to you today about how not to be the angry parent.  I personally believe the number one reason parents get angry with their children is that their children “are not listening.”  Many times this happens in conjunction with having to complete something on a tight time table.  Sometimes it just seems as if the child is endlessly negative, or the temperament of the child in conjunction with the parent leads to a fragile relationship between the child and the adult.

However, aren’t children supposed to be immature?  Children are noisy, messy, and yes, often immature.  Otherwise they would be born as adults and age backward, right?

I believe anger issues actually are OUR problem, the parent’s problem.  Usually we are trying to do something in a tight time frame, we are carrying in baggage from our own childhood (“I NEVER would have talked to MY parents that way!), we are tired and stressed out over things that may or may not even have to do with that child, we are carrying unrealistic expectations of that child’s behavior, or just in general our needs are not being met.

In the heat of the moment, what one needs is the ability to calm down.  This may entail taking a “parent time-out”.  Many parents complain about this because they are ready to explode, they are trying to get away to calm down for a minute, only to have  a screaming child follow them!  Ah, that  youthful immaturity again – an adult probably would give you the space to calm down whereas a child may not!

What do you do then?

My personal vote is to go outside.  I pull a lot of weeds in yard when I am angry, and that helps me calm down before I do something stupid.  My children can be out there, but will often give me a bit of space in an open area (as opposed to going into the bathroom with everyone yelling and screaming on the other side of the door!). 

The question becomes:  What do we want our CHILDREN to do when they are angry and how can we model that for them?  If we walk around yelling and slamming doors, how can we be surprised when our six-year old does that?

After you are calm, hopefully you can return to the situation and work to solve the problem. Help the child, guide the child.  Breathe in and breathe out.

Patience is developed over time.  I am certain I am more patient with this third child than I was with my first child.  Learning to relax into parenting and how to let go of the mentality that every single thing must be addressed so the child will not become a Detriment To Society is also learned.  Set a timer and see if you can keep your patience for half an hour if that is where you are, and work up from there. You can do this!  Fill your own tank so you have something to give.  Get your children into a rhythm with an early bedtime so you have time for you and time for you and your spouse. 

Most of all, be thankful.  Go look at your children while they are sleeping, those small faces, realize how very little ages three, four and five really are.  And in this time of dwindling light and moving into darkness, work to cultivate yourself as a light for your family.

Blessings,

Carrie

Be The Beacon!

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An announcement from Melisa Nielsen:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/11/big-announcement-be-a-beacon.html

This is essentially a new program regarding inner work for mothers that will look through many spiritual traditions and look at the philosophical works of Steiner and others to help you, the mother, learn how to be a light for your family.

Here are the details from Melisa from the link above, please go and check it out:

“Monthly Membership includes:

  • Special access to newly recorded shows available only to those participating in the program.  These shows are meant to get you started on this journey and to get you thinking about what inner work means to you. These recordings include:
    • Welcome to “Be a Beacon”
    • Catalysts for Change
    • Personal Gurus
    • The Importance of Inner Work
    • How to Meditate
  • Bi weekly lessons and discussions delivered via private yahoo group
  • 2 monthly private live radio shows/interactive chats
  • Archives available for duration of membership
  • Planning and goal setting tools geared directly to Waldorf homeschooling
  • In depth inner work study covering many faith groups, including in depth Steiner and other modern inner work experts.

Some of the monthly themes include: getting started right, relationships, balancing, knowing when to cut back and how, Steiner’s basic 6 in depth,  festivals and inner work meanings, exploring biography, mediation through Waldorf art and so much more.

When you join, you will also receive recommended reading and tools to get you started along with an invitation to join the private group.” – end of quote

THIS STARTS THIS THURSDAY, November 12th, 2009 so please do go and register if you are interested!

And please let Melisa know I sent you!

Blessings,

Carrie

Another Lovely Post About Inner Work

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See here:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/09/ups-and-downs-my-own-journey.html

Melisa is always coming up with new ideas and products to support the Waldorf homeschooling community, including a Web-based radio show, ebooks, DVD’s and more – all whilst she is homeschooling her large family!

Much food for thought in the above post,

Carrie