The Beginning Is Now

The phone has been ringing off the hook this week for my volunteer work as a breastfeeding support counselor.  I have been one busy person fielding calls!

These calls are all related to breastfeeding, but many times the crux of the matter I find  is more related to parenting than breastfeeding. 

  • How do we let our expectations go and respond to our babies and children from our hearts?
  • How do we learn to trust our own intuition in parenting over what “the books” say or what we “think” our version of society is saying?
  • How do we learn that  we can listen to different viewpoints and that it is okay if we do not take those viewpoints into our family life?
  • How do we set boundaries with the people we love?
  • How do we slow down to the pace of a small infant?  This seems to be a genuine problem.  We are often working full-time during pregnancy, possibly even working up to or on our due date, when we are suddenly plunged into a world of slower time  after an infant is born.  This takes true adjustment.
  • How do we develop a parenting pathway that is right for us?
  • How do we handle having a positive attitude in parenting?
  • How do we learn to ask for help when we need it?
  • How do we learn how to support others in a respectful way?

Parenting starts here, with the infant, learning to trust, learning to love, learning to know what is right for our own families and our own children.  No one can forge the parenting path for your  family except for you.  It takes time, but you will find what works best for you and your family.  You will be able to take what resonates with you and leave the rest behind.  You are the expert on your own family.  You can gather wonderful suggestions and support from other people – I do all the time!-  but ultimately the work of parenting is a path that each one of us must develop for ourselves.  This is a mindful journey that you can start today; the beginning is now!

Many blessings today!

Carrie

A Parenting Plan

I talk a lot about planning for homeschooling on this blog, but today I would like to talk about developing a  plan for parenting.  How does one go about helping the child and the family love and have joy together?  

This is how my personal planning for parenting goes, and perhaps this outline will help you develop your own plan for your own family:

THE VISION:

Think of the four areas that are predominate in the child’s life:  the spiritual, the educational element (not just “school” but real-life common sense, etc), the element of work within the family life (and as the child is maturing perhaps the notion of work outside of the family), and relationships within and outside of the family.  This idea is from Rick Johnson’s “That’s My Son”, but I think it is applicable for all children, both genders.

Next, assess where your child is.  What seven-year-stage are they in?  What techniques can one use within this stage most effectively? 

Ask yourself, where is my child in each area right now and where are they going to be in the next six months?  This can be difficult if this is your first child since you may not have a great sense of the “big picture”, but try to think about this.  Meditate and pray on it. 

What areas are most challenging for my child right now?  What would make this better?  What needs to happen not only from my child, but from me, from other family members to help this child?

Then the plan comes in.  How could I help uplift my child to the next level, past this challenge?  How can I envision and think of this child at the next level?  How am I keeping my heart open with this child, and how I am showing this child my emotional warmth and love?  What is my plan?

Who do I need to help with my plan?  Do I need a mentor for my child?  Does my child need to learn a particular skill? 

I find this really helpful when I meditate and pray about each of my children, and then I add my notes to my Homemaking Notebook. 

Live big and love your children,

Carrie

A Summer Parenting Project For You

Some adults say they are not religious, but that they are spiritual.  So, my question for all of us to ponder today is how we make our religion and/or our spirituality evident to our children through  ACTIVITY?  A child is about DOING.  How does your child see you express your religious and spiritual views?  Do you even know what these are?  And, if not, can you figure them out?

I like what Donna Simmons has to say in her Third Grade Syllabus regarding festivals:  “It seems right to me that as a child develops a new relationship to authority and to his sense of self and place in the world, hallmarks of the Nine Year Change, he needs opportunities  to deepen his relationship to the spiritual worlds.  And what is most important is that this take place via you, your family and your community.  Your child needs to see his parents and significant adults standing strongly in their beliefs.  It might be that some day your child’s path takes her quite some distance from your beliefs, but her first steps need to start from standing firmly beside you.”

I urge you to make one of your projects this summer to explore your own religious and/or spiritual beliefs – really figure out what resonates with you!  Then, can you use the summer to explore places of worship or other venues where you can be with people who have the same spiritual beliefs you do?  But the catch is this:   that place, that venue should  also  be a community  in which your children can participate.  Yes, this has to be something the family participates in, the child participates in, and something the child can see and do. 

The other catch is that you cannot bring your adult perfectionism to the table or your past experiences.  Pick what resonates with you from a clean slate and leave your baggage behind!  Try it! 

Children need this place of religious and spiritual orientation to start from.  Give them that boat to start in and show them which way to paddle.  If in the future, if they decide to throw away the oars and jump off the boat, that is okay – but you at least are giving them a place to start. 

A great meditative summer project!  Would love to hear what happens!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Four Temperaments

In Waldorf Education, the four temperaments are seen as a tool to help us understand the child as a “whole” human being.  The idea of the four temperaments was not new in Steiner’s time;  it came about during the Greek times and again during the Middle Ages (some of you may remember hearing about the four humors or the four fluids).

Roberto Trostli writes in “Rhythms of Learning”:  “Our temperament mediates between these two streams; it allows us to reconcile our hereditary characteristics with out destiny.” 

Here are a few things to be aware of with the temperaments:

  • You cannot tell what temperament your child is before the change of teeth.  You may see glimmers here and there, but things do change over the years.  So , if you have small children under the age of 7, please save this information for the future.  I would even argue you can see the temperament of your child best as they approach the nine-year change.
  • According to Steiner, each period of the lifespan has a temperament associated with it:  childhood-sanguine (most sources say sanguine, some sources say choleric; I say sanguine);  adolescents- choleric; adulthood-melancholic and old age-phlegmatic.
  • As an adult, the goal is for all your temperaments to be in harmony with none of the temperaments.  So if you see one thing predominating in  yourself, then you may have to work to cultivate the other temperaments and bring yourself into more harmony.

The workshop I attended required some artistic work and rendering of the temperaments, so know that is an option for home.  We worked with a color wheel and the temperaments and drawing.  It was very interesting, and now,  without further ado, let’s talk about each of the temperaments:

CHOLERIC: (colors:  black, reds).  Cholerics are associated with fire, summer and a predominance of “I” for an adult… (in a child, the astral body is said to predominate in this temperament).  Cholerics are people such as Napoleon (okay, he was a badly unchecked choleric), Nero, President Teddy Roosevelt, Donald Trump.   They are strong people who “DO” – the leaders of our times.  Some Waldorf teachers feel less of these cholerics are coming to us as we see less leaders and people wanting to step forth and lead during our times, as opposed to times such as World War II. 

At any rate, these fast, fiery, strong-willed and quick-tempered individuals are also very fair and associated with the mathematical process of division.  They can have great warmth and can be exceptional leaders.  They are also very hard workers and are very goal-oriented.

From a physical standpoint, cholerics can be short-statured, with shorter necks. They also  can be associated with  having health problems involving the heart.

The challenges of an individual with a choleric temperament includes being bossy or stubborn, quick-tempered and then regretful afterwards, not listening to others well.

SANGUINE:  (colors: yellows, the rainbow!)  Sanguines are associated with spring, air, sweetness, and a predominance of the astral body for the adult (for children, the etheric body predominates).  Sanguines are such people as President John F Kennedy and President Clinton.  They are full of life, they have lots of ideas, they are the social glue of a classroom,  the social  movers and the shakers  of society.  They notice everything, they respond to everything and move quickly from one thing to another. They are personable, light-hearted people. Sanguines are often associated with the mathematical process of addition.

Physically, they are often have balanced, graceful body types and are beautiful or handsome.   They can be drawn to smoking, and have health problems associated with the lungs.

The challenges of an individual with a sanguine temperament includes starting many projects but not finishing, being prone to social pressures, possibly one could see a teenager with this temperament being predominate that they would seek out inappropriate things in adolescence in order to ground them.  They can also be seen as shallow, superficial and fickle.

PHLEGMATIC:  (colors: greens and blues) Phlegmatics are associated with winter and water and a predominance of the etheric body (in children, the physical body predominates).  Phlegmatics are slow, steady people who love their physical comforts, order, repetition.  They have a hard time starting things, but once they get started, they become engaged and will stick with a project until it is completed.  They tend to be loyal, patient, dependable.  They can be deep thinkers that come up with great ideas. 

I always think of phlegmatics and digestion and inner bodily processes (due to being associated with water, like the tides going in and out and the inner rhythm of the etheric body.  Physically, there is often a softness to how a person with a predominantly phlegmatic temperament looks.  They tend toward obesity.  They can be prone to such health problems as gout and problems associated with the lymphatic system. 

The challenge of this temperament is to interest them in something besides comfort and food.   They can be rather lazy – or are they just taking it all in and thinking deeply?  Transitions can be a problem, for once they are started and caught up in something, they do not want to stop.  But most of all, the  phlegmatic individual can have a temper!  A temper that makes a choleric look like a kitten.  People who have a predominantly phlegmatic temperament are very patient indeed, but once they are angry – look out, because it all explodes.

MELANCHOLIC: (colors:  indigo, purples, violets)  Melancholics are associated with the fall and earth, along with the mathematical process of subtraction.  They have a predominant physical body, although in children one sees a predominance of the “I”.  A melancholic person is introspective, thoughtful.  They tend to be insightful people and take everything to heart and are often sad or despondent.  They can have a great capacity for sympathy and tend to be perceptive about other people’s pain.  They typically can articulate their thoughts and feelings well.

Physically, a melancholic is often tall and thin and can be prone to rheumatism and arthritis.  Due to their sensitivity, they often make good workers in the health care field.

The challenge of the melancholic is that they can become self-absorbed and feel their problems are like those that no one else in the world  has ever experienced.  They also can get lost in details and lose the big picture.  They can be prone to perfectionism.

In the next post, we will talk about some ways to work with each temperament effectively.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Mission Statements

This is the time of renewal, this sacred and new time between Easter and Ascension.  This is a great time to take stock and start planning; plan for your personal development; plan for homeschooling (Waldorf mothers who are homeschooling the grades – have you ordered your materials yet?  Have you started laying out a flow to your blocks for the fall?); plan for what you would like to see happen between now and fall.

You are the architect, you are the designer, you are the artist of your life and the lives of your children.  If things are overwhelming right now,it is okay to say no to things.  It is okay to set boundaries.  It is okay to be real and authentic and honest about what you can and cannot handle!

One thing that always helps me is  to go back to our Family Mission Statement.  Here is a back post about writing a family mission statement, you can see that here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/  Once you have this piece of paper, please do make sure to review it, use it, keep it in your mind as you make decisions.  It should be like a guiding compass for your family and the things you choose to do as a family. 

The other thing that can keep you centered is to have your own Personal Mission Statement or what some people call a Personal Vision Statement.  The more you can develop yourself, learn about yourself, and calm and center yourself (which means actually figuring out what makes you feel calm and centered to begin with :)), your family will absolutely benefit.  Children want a mother that is calmly in control of things and can be a resource, a guide, a boundary, a wall to bounce off if need be – but a gentle, calm and nurturing presence.  What children don’t want is out- of- control, screaming and yelling parents where the whole atmosphere of the house feels stressed and falling apart.  You can get to the first thing, but you have to stop and think. 

  • Think about what would make the biggest difference in your life to make yourself more calm.
  • Think about what your priorities really are, and how your life could reflect that. 
  • How could your marriage be a priority?  What would that look like?
  • If your children are small, they must be a priority.  They are depending upon you to guide them and to love them and to teach them.
  • What do you want your homeschooling adventure to look like?  Have you assessed your child and know what they need to work on – not just “skill-wise” but also emotionally, physically, spiritually?  What do they need to develop into “whole” human beings?  What would your homeschooling look like to reflect that?  Now is the time to assess for next year’s planning.  You cannot figure out what you are going to do in homeschooling next year unless you have assessed where your child is right now, and some of the biggest homeschooling lessons have nothing to do with academic skills at all.

Just a few thoughts for today.

Many blessings to you,

Carrie

The Adult Will And How To Develop It

 

The development of will for personal issues, such as being able to go to bed, get up on time, stick to a flow of the day, to me, can be much further addressed in several areas:

1.  Use of forty days to establish a new habit.  Not just twenty-one days, but forty.  To work on one thing at a time!

2.   The will is an outward gesture of DOING.  I think it was Zig Ziglar who said, “Do it, and you will be motivated to do it.”  Sometimes we think too hard, plan too much, and we just need to do it. 

3.  I think handwork is a perfect place to develop your will.  Anytime you “eyeball” something and work with doing, you are developing those faculties of will.

4.  Try it, and if you fail, try again! The key is in the striving!  Pick a friend or have your spouse help you be accountable!

Many blessings to you on this new day, this new moment! 

Carrie

Renewal: Personal Development

This is the plain and sad  but true fact:  many of us have invested many hours and dollars in vocational training or college degrees, but many of us never go on to spend much money or time to  develop ourselves personally after that. 

For example, in college, you probably spent hundreds and even thousands of dollars on textbooks and classes and hours of  time reading.  But after college, have you spent any money at all on your own personal development?  Have you spent any time reading to learn?  Have you taken any classes regarding parenting?  Sought out any mothers who parent the way you want to parent?

We all are busy, and some of us do carry harder burdens than others.  That is true.  However, we can really bless our families by choosing to educate ourselves.    I know it is hard, but you must have been drawn to parent differently than your parents for a reason.  You must have drawn to Waldorf homeschooling for a reason.  Honor that intuition; commit to it and own it.   Can you read for five minutes in the morning after you get breakfast done and cleaned up?  Five minutes while the kids play outside?  Five minutes before you go to bed?  Set a timer if need be, but can you try just for five minutes a day?

This is the thing:  I know you want to be a great parent.  I know that because otherwise you would not be here reading this blog!  You may be reading this because you  want to homeschool.  I am here to tell you no matter what method of homeschooling you choose, Waldorf or not, you will have to do some planning!  Yes, there are things that are “open and go” but you will still have to tailor things for your child, and if you take the time to really holistically evaluate your child and plan around that, the experience will be so much richer.   If you are a Waldorf homeschooling mother, take the time to read and decide for yourself such things as will the order of these blocks work for my child, will they work for where I live geographically? Take the time to figure out what the curriculum is saying to your child at their developmental level.

.So, please,  in this time of renewal between Easter and Ascension, please, consider making time to read a little bit.  Make a commitment to plan for your child’s education next year.  Your child and your homeschooling experience  is worth your time in planning.  If you start and do an hour a week now plus a little bit of reading each and every day, you will be all ready by the end of summer!

You might be wondering, well, what should I read?

Here are my suggestions, please do take what resonates with you or add your suggestions in the comment boxes below!

For parenting and gentle discipline, see here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/27/favorite-books-for-gentle-discipline/

For the six/seven year old change, try “You’re Not the Boss of Me!  Understanding the Six/Seven Year Transformation” edited by Ruth Ker, and available here at Bob and Nancy’s:  http://www.waldorfbooks.com/edu/child_development_health.htm  (scroll down)

For understanding Waldorf Education in light of child development, I recommend “Soul Economy” and “The Education of the Child”

For Waldorf grades one and two (and three! and beyond!), I recommend “Practical Advice to Teachers” and “Discussions with Teachers”

Many of the parenting books can be found at your local library or used on Amazon or other booksellers.  Many of Steiner’s works can be found for free on-line.

Read, learn, plan and enjoy!

Much love to you,

Carrie

Parenting Burn-Out and Chaos!

Did you ever feel that homeschooling or even just parenting little ones should be FREEING, in a sense, but that it is not?  I mean, after all, every day COULD be a blank slate of whatever you would like it to be!  How disappointing, then, sometimes, when you realize that you are busier than when you worked outside the home.  When you realize that your schedule is way too full.  How disappointing when you can’t say no to things. How disappointing when your house is always a disorganized mess.  And that knowing that  burn-out is always there in the background (and sometimes in the foreground?) – we won’t even mention that!

If you have ever felt like that, then this post is for you.

First of all, please be easy with yourself.  The mothers I see that are hardest on themselves are the ones with babies ( “I should be doing just what I did before I had a baby!”) or the ones with multiple children under the age of 7.  Be easy!  Your most important job is to take care of them, and also yourself! But part of doing this is developing your own will….read on!

If your children are under the age of 7, in order to take care of yourself, you are going to need to ask for help and  to plan ahead. That is hard for people, but that is the only way it is going to happen.  Ask your spouse for help!  Ask a grandparent!  Ask a friend!  “Honey, could you please take the children to the park for an hour and a half so I can do some homeschool planning for fall?”  “Honey, I know you worked all day and you are tired, but this pile of clean laundry is driving me crazy! Could you please help me put it away?”  “ I really need to get some stress out.  Could you watch the children so I could go walk for half an hour?  I would feel so much better!”

However, in order to ask, you have to know what you need!  And I find many mothers are down so low, they don’t know where to start or what even to ask for help with!  Meditate, make a list – what are three things that would  make your life better right now?  Start there.

I have one for you that probably would make your life better (outside of exercise for yourself!): how about getting rid of STUFF?  It is hard to be restful with too much stuff.  If every room has too much furniture for the size of the space, if every flat surface is covered, if every closet and drawer is bulging, then it is time to start there.  It is hard to pay attention to your children,  to plan for homeschool, to do homeschool, if there is stuff everywhere.  And your children cannot rest in rooms that are overflowing!

But in order to get your own  house in order, you have to be HOME.  What would happen if you took a two week vacation and just said “no” to outside things, and made a huge dent in getting your house in order?  Really go through things and get RID of things. 

What would happen if over the summer you just planned to be home?  What would happen in the fall if you plan to be out one day during the weekdays (this is not including the weekends) and otherwise you were at home?  What would life look like then?  Babies, toddlers, preschoolers, really do need to be home – a walk around the block, playing in the neighborhood, being outside; yes- but really at home! 

Perhaps you can meditate on this and find the middle road, the common ground that really works for you.  Start small if that is where you are, but conversely, don’t be afraid to jump in and make a big change.  Your life, after all, should work for you.  If you are feeling resentful, stressed, not happy – change it, you are in control of at least some of it.  And your own attitude you are fully in control of!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Parenting Exhaustion!

I think many parents look back at the baby and toddler years fondly and say things like, “If only my teenager’s problems could be solved by a nice warm bath”  “If only I could distract them with a pail and shovel in the sandbox” but I think these parents have forgotten the sheer physicality that prevails in parenting in these Early Years.

  • It is exhausting to change a baby’s diaper when they hate it and are crawling away (or when they are a toddler, running away!)
  • It is exhausting to chase your toddler down the street because they left the park.   Again.  With a baby on your hip and an older child racing beside you.
  • It is exhausting when you have literally saved your toddler from death about fifty times in one day despite the fact you have “child-proofed” everything in sight.

Just plain tiring.  Nursing, rocking, holding, co sleeping, co bathing, chasing, playing, feeding and starting all over again and again all night and all day.

So here are my Top Secret Super Survival Tips!  (Eh, not so top secret, but doesn’t that sound fun??!)

  • Keep it simple.  Toddlers do not need a lot of excursions, play dates and trips to the store.  Try to run errands later or have someone else do it; if there is one place you go that is repeatedly a problem, for example, a certain park or a store parking lot, then by all means skip going there for awhile.  Only time can add maturity.  It is that simple.  Running away and being chased is just plain fun, and that behavior really can persist until they are five years of age or so.  It is hard to leave when you are having a good time!  Same thing with places with  too many overwhelming choices; I was at the library the other day where a little boy (older toddler, probably close to three)  was just sobbing because his poor Mommy wanted him to choose books and he was completely and utterly overwhelmed!  He probably  would have been happier if she had just stopped at the library herself and brought the books home and snuggled with him.   Trying to be quiet AND not run AND pick books out of what probably looked like MILLIONS of books to him really was not working for this little guy. So I guess what I am saying is, please don’t expect too much too soon!  🙂
  • Understand toddler behavior and developmental ages.  There are so many posts on this blog about each age I can’t even count anymore!  Check them out; there is also a whole listing of baby/toddler posts under the Baby/Toddler header.
  • Have a set of tools for dealing with common toddler behaviors.  See here; this one covers running away in public places and face slapping and other fun behaviors (but also look for an upcoming post): https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/11/common-toddler-challenges-and-how-to-solve-them/
  • Structure the environment; your older baby/ toddler pretty much does need to be with you and under your eye at all times.  Don’t be afraid to put up a gate to block off where your little one needs to be.
  • Continue nursing if you can.  Nursing is a great toddler tool.  “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” is a classic La Leche League book about the nursing toddler; and many  La Leche League groups have Toddler Meetings.  That is a great place to go and get support because everyone is going through what you are going through!  See this link to find a group in your area: www.lalecheleague.org
  • Continue to cultivate use of a sling if your little one will still ride in a backpack.  That really does help during preparation of food and such.  If this child is two or so, they may enjoy helping out with simple chores and running little errands for you around the house (like putting something in the trash, or wiping up a little spill).  They do want to please you, you are not on opposing teams here!
  • Stay away from negative people who tell you that your older baby or toddler is “manipulating” you or “defying” you.  I know this sounds really harsh, and I am sorry, but these people are unfortunately generally  uninformed regarding the development of the brain, childhood psychology and childhood development and just seem to lack a good sense of humor about children to boot!    Please see this post for help: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/
  • Ask for what you need and get help.  Fathers are parents too!
  • Get outside every day.  Babies can crawl on the ground, it really is okay.  Toddlers can toddle.  Good times for all!
  • Work hard on rest, sleep and meal times.  These basic things are very important for small children. There are posts under the Baby/Toddler header regarding sleep.
  • Don’t be afraid to take naps and go to bed when your toddler goes to bed.  This is a short period and it is okay to do that!
  • Stay positive, sing and sing and have finger plays and Mother Goose rhymes at the ready.  Distraction is your number one tool!
  • Here is a post that addressed burn-out and some other intensive mothering issues:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/21/day-number-five-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

The last major tip I have is to think of these Early Years in this way:   most of us are in at least our fourth or fifth seven year cycle of life (look at those back posts on the Tapestries book, it was very interesting!), and these little ones are only in the beginning of their first.  It is very hard for us in general to enter this consciousness of the toddler.  Many times we give it way too much adult weight!  It takes a lot of practice, and  the more you can think humor and play and love, the less stressful the toddler years become! 

With joy,

Carrie

Renewal: Computer Time

Ah, managing the beast……

No, I am not talking about my huge dog who is now learning to pull a cart, LOL!  I am talking about  this wonderful tool, this wonderful place to connect and get information, but that which  has the potential to be addicting in a way: our friend the computer!   It’s funny, but I don’t really know anyone my age or younger that has an issue managing watching television, but almost everyone I know has a harder time managing the computer.

I asked some questions in the past about computer usage here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/08/a-vacation-away-from-the-computer/

It is so easy to turn on the computer and get sucked in for hours more than you intended, isn’t it?  All those beautiful Waldorf blogs and all those rabbit trails!  All those things we MIGHT need for future homeschooling grades that we should be storing in files!  And the thing is, when we are on the computer, I think our children can really feel our life forces  just being whisked away from them.  If we are on the computer at night, we are not meditating, praying, reading, or most importantly, giving our husband the attention he deserves.

So, during these forty days of renewal between Easter and Ascension, how about experimenting with some rules of usage for yourself in relation to the computer?

  • You could plan only certain days of the week to be on the computer
  • You could plan to only check it at a certain time of the day.
  • You could plan to cut back and scale back to a few very essential blogs/yahoo groups plus your email to check daily.
  • You could set a timer for when you are on the computer and get off when the timer goes off.

In this forty days of renewal, I would love to hear how all of you are managing your computer time these days. 

Many blessings,

Carrie