Category Archives: Book Reviews

“Hold On To Your Kids”: Chapter One

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Well, here we are with a new book study!  Always exciting!

Chapter One of this book is entitled, “Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers”.    The authors lay the groundwork for this chapter in the opening scenario and write, “Children are not quite the same as we remember being.  They are less likely to take their cues from adults, less afraid of getting into trouble.  They also seem less innocent and naive – lacking, it seems, the wide-eyed wonder that leads a child to have excitement for the world, for exploring the wonders of nature or of human creativity.  Many children seem inappropriately sophisticated, even jaded in some ways, pseudo-mature before their time.  They appear to be easily bored when away from each other or when not engaged with technology.”

And what I love about this book is that it  addresses not just the way children are, but they way they can be if we change our parenting assumptions and ways, and how we really can “hold on to our kids.”  We will get into this in further chapters.  I really and truly believe that attachment parenting and Waldorf Education hold good opportunities for helping children be at the right developmental phase for their age (this seems to be something as an American society that we are losing – what happens at what age, what is appropriate to expect for each age, how do we work with children in a holistic way in order to have them grow up and be health adults?)

The authors go on to discuss how parenting today does not seem natural for many parents and how this is so ironic considering “That we have more access to courses and books on childrearing than any previous generation of parents.”

Drs. Neufeld and Mate then go on to lay the groundwork for the importance of attachment and connection in guiding a child. “For a child to be open to being parenting by an adult, he must be actively attaching  to that adult, be wanting contact and closeness with him.” They discuss the movement from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy to psychological intimacy and how our changed culture makes this more difficult than ever.  “Children are increasingly  forming attachments with that compete with their parents, with the result that proper context for parenting is less and less available to us.”  This is taking the form of attachment to peers over family.  This orientation changed around the time of World War II (I wrote about some of the other consequences of how childhood has changed since World War II here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/30/rite-of-passage-parenting-four-essential-experiences-to-equip-your-kids-for-life-heading-up-to-the-nine-year-change-and-beyond/ )  The authors argue that instead of vertical transmission of culture (from older adults to the young), culture is being transmitted horizontally within the generation from peer to peer.  The increased rates of teen suicide is correlated to the increase of peer orientation in our society.

The hopeful part of this is that our children really do want to be part of their own family, and that we can always work to strengthen the bonds of family and our attachment to our children.

I have seen in my work with literally thousands of different families from all cultures as a pediatric physical therapist, as a breastfeeding counselor, as an IBCLC, as someone involved in Waldorf homeschooling circles and such, that healing is possible.  This, to me,  is the ultimate outcome of attachment parenting, especially when combined with Waldorf Education, and what I share so much of on this blog.

But of course, it is easier to not have to work so hard in the years over the age of nine and to lay groundwork for this from the beginning the best we know how with the tools we have at the time.  Parenting is a journey and there really is no perfection, only striving.  As mothers, we all make many mistakes. Some are bigger than others.  But it is never too late to change or to start anew and afresh.  Instead of guilt taking over where you are, let your forward momentum and your plan and vision for your family carry you.

Those of you who are reading along, what did you think of this first chapter?  I would love to know your opinions!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Christopherus Waldorf Curriculum Overview for Homeschoolers: A Review

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“The Christopherus Waldorf Curriculum Overview For Homeschoolers” by Donna Simmons is an engaging resource that will take you grade by grade, topic by topic, through what is typically done in a Waldorf School, and most importantly, how to work with this in the home environment and how to use your home as the advantage that it is within your Waldorf homeschooling experience.

Homeschooling with Waldorf is not about re-creating a Waldorf School within your home; being home as advantages in its own right.  Donna Simmons writes in the preface of this work that she wrote this book “…because there seemed to be a distinct lack of material available to homeschoolers presenting Waldorf education in a meaningful, yet doable way.  I wanted to help parents catch a glimpse of the depth of knowledge that informs Waldorf education and to also enable them to find their own way of working with it, preventing burnout and feeling of overwhelm.”   She also notes on page 4 that “Waldorf-inspired homeschoolers, in my opinion, should not seek to copy what happens in Waldorf schools, but rather to understand how and especially why certain topics, subjects, methods and practice occur in Waldorf schools, and then find material that fits the bill.”  I think those statements resonate with so many Waldorf homeschooling mothers!  I like that the mission of Christopherus Homeschool Resources, and indeed this resource, is to help parents learn about Waldorf education and bring it into their homeschool experience, no matter what method they would label their homeschooling. 

Part One includes chapters on Waldorf Education and Homeschooling, A Visit to a Waldorf School, The Waldorf Home, Homeschooling with Waldorf.  Part Two includes a look at grade by grade and topic by topic (which includes tracing language arts, handwork/crafts/gardening, foreign language, math, music, history (including fairy tales, legends and myths), art (drawing, painting, modeling), geography, form drawing, science, and movement/games/sports through the curriculum.  Part Three includes the chapters Home is not School, Nuts and Bolts, Questions and Answers and A Peek at the Future:  High School.

Donna Simmons writes about the first three seven-year cycles of ages 0-7, 7-14 and 14-21 and provides insights into these phases that will shape your children for the rest of their adult lives.  She provides a look into a Waldorf school grade by grade (grades 1-8) and then looks at “The Waldorf Home” in Chapter Three.  This chapter has such important information regarding how to be a homemaker.  This is one of my favorite quotes from page 42:  “Play clips and pink cloths aside, it seems to me that there is a fundamental principle or understanding which surely must live in a home which strives to be “Waldorf”….Taking in, living with, thoughts around what is best for a child as she grows, what helps her develop and flourish, needs to be the basis of our family and home life as much as it needs to be the basis of our homeschooling.”    She talks about developing a rhythm in the home, about discipline and how discipline looks different depending upon which seven-year cycle the child is in,  views on media and how this changes as the child grows…really profound things for ALL parents to think about, not just Waldorf homeschooling parents.

She talks about love being the bedrock for the Waldorf-inspired homeschool, and the importance of self-development along with knowledge of child development.  In the grade by grade section, each grade is discussed with a possible schedule for the year laid out.  There are lists for resources of each topic/subject and suggestions as to how to bring these things at home.  I like the chapter entitled “Home is not School” where the differences between home and school are thoroughly discussed.    Donna Simmons writes on page 198, “To my mind, family is the number one reason to homeschool.  I feel that for many people homeschooling is the way for them to build truly healthy families which nurture healthy individuals.  Within such a setting wonderful educational opportunities can arise and by working with Waldorf, which is concerned with each individual’s health, we can watch our children and families flourish.’    Yes!

There are suggestions for child-led versus curriculum, working with multi-age children, designing a schedule.  The Question and Answers section alone probably has many of things Waldorf-inspired homeschooling parents wonder about.

This is a resource that will help you through many years, and I think one you will turn back to over and over.  It offers pearls of wisdom for beginner and veteran Waldorf-inspired homeschoolers alike.  Here is a link so you may look at it for yourself:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/essential-christopherus-publications/waldorf-overview-for-homeschoolers.html

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress” – The Last Chapter!

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Well, we did it – we are now on the last chapter of “Discipline Without Distress” by Judy Arnall and ready to move on to our new book, “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.  You can order it through Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279245565&sr=8-1

Let’s finish this book up!  This last chapter is entitled, “Technology Without Distress: Educate, Not Ban.”   Despite the title of this chapter, the author makes a great case for the fact that babies, toddlers, and school-aged children do best with hands-on learning and have no need for technology in the Early Years and Early Grades (see for yourself on  pages 368-371).

Judy Arnall writes in the beginning of the chapter about how we are currently in a generation gap due to technology.  She equates things such as instant messaging to book discussions thirty years ago, the internet to encyclopedias, books, microfiche thirty years ago.  She notes that “of all the electronic devices designed to make adult and children’s lives easier, computer and video games, as well as instant messaging and the internet, are the major concerns of disciplining and parenting.”

Her first topic to tackle is one of safety on the Internet and how to discuss this with children, how to talk about the fact that what one says in email and on the Internet is permanent (including photographs and video).  I think one could also add that the computer should be in a public place of the house, and that there should be ways to block certain content of the Internet.

In her section regarding “Games, Games, Games….What’s the Difference?” the author equates an adult getting a scrapbook kit or golf clubs and being told you can only scrapbook or  play for one hour on Saturdays.  She writes, “You are probably feeling disappointed, angry, and frustrated at the limitation, especially in spite of this whole new world opened to you.  This is probably how a child feels for the first time she experiences a computer or video game.”

I personally think this makes a great case for introducing technology later rather  than sooner.   I think that small children especially can have a rather “more”-ness about them with rather poor self-control as this is part and parcel of being a child.  Adults can be like this as well, but hopefully an adult can temper the “more” they want and look to themselves for happiness, for creativity.  I am not certain video games provide a helpful teaching tool for that, especially after all my research on boys and how boys can become easily “visually addicted”.  I will refer you to Don and Jeanne Elium’s “Raising A Son” for more regarding this. 

Judy Arnall cites the good things about gaming, including academic benefits, life skill benefits, and socialization benefits.  She talks about the need for moderation and considers if her teenagers are involved in other activities that it is all working out okay, and she advocates for a balanced life.

I personally feel most of the suggestions in this chapter, especially the section on gaming, was aimed more at teenagers (except for the pages 368-371 listed above) than smaller children.  However, one certainly is seeing a big push for computers and games for small children in pre-school and kindergarten and certainly in the elementary school years, at least here in the United States.

Judy Arnall admits she has a “pro-gaming” stance.  For the other side of this argument, I will direct you all to this post from the Alliance For Childhood:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/learning-more/articles-on-aspects-of-waldorf-education/fools-gold-a-look-at-children-and-computers.html

Please share with other mothers how you handle media (TV, computers and gaming) in your homes along with the ages of your children.  Help other mothers make informed decisions for their families.

And please do look for the first post in our next book study!

Many blessings,

Carrie

What’cha Readin’ This Summer??

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I have been reading quite a bit this Summer (you all do remember I am Master of Small Chunks of Time), and I wondered what everyone else has been reading….

Let’s see, here is what I have been reading so far with some all-too-brief notes.  I read way more non-fiction than fiction, as you will note.

  • First of all, the Bible – Psalms and Proverbs and the book of James (a good place to start!),  parts of Mark, chapters of Isaiah.  I just wait to see where God leads me in my Quiet Time and go there!
  • Bible Study – Beth Moore’s “Stepping Up: The Psalms of Ascent”.  This has taken me forever, lots of breaks in between doing some here and there, and I have no idea what study of Beth’s I would like to do next.   Any suggestions out from you all out there?
  • “How to Have A Mary Spirit in A Martha World” – –I don’t know why, but it didn’t totally resonate with me.  I left it with Grandma in St. Croix to see if she would like it.
  • “That’s My Son” –by Rick Johnson.  A quick, wonderful read with lots of food for thought.  A Christian perspective, but readable for everyone.   I have already been lending this one out to friends.  Here is a link to it at Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Thats-My-Son-Influence-Character/dp/0800730771
  • “Love As A Way of Life”  by Gary Chapman, Christian author and counselor:   http://www.amazon.com/Love-Way-Life-Transforming-Aspect/dp/140007259X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278815885&sr=8-1
  • “Growing Grateful Kids” – by Susie Larson.  I enjoyed this book and have gone back to it several times.  This one is a keeper.  A strong Christian perspective, with lots of things to really think about and ponder.  Here is a link to it at Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Growing-Grateful-Kids-Appreciate-Extraordinary/dp/0802452825   I would like to go on and read more things that this author has written. 
  • “Mennonite In A Little Black Dress” – Funny in a wry, droll and self-deprecating kind of way.  It didn’t set me on fire, but it was okay…   I would recommend you obtain it through your local library. It is not probably one that will hang around my bookshelves, to be honest.
  • Re-reading right now:  “The Family You’ve Always Wanted:  Five Ways You Can Make It Happen” by Gary Chapman.  I especially liked Dr. Chapman’s take on the “Five Steps To Intimacy” where he talks about intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual and physical intimacy in marriage.  He also has a section of this book about “Parents Who Guide” and really nails gentle discipline with boundaries and a whole section of effective modeling for children.  He also has a good section about the importance of fathers.  I disagree strongly with Dr. Chapman’s take that occasional spanking  may sometimes be justified, but if you can disregard that one part (and he DOES say that spanking is often “evidence of a parent’s misguided anger rather than a reasoned response to a child’s behavior”), I think there are many things in this book that are worth thinking about. 

Related Works to Waldorf Education: 

(My biggest accomplishment was that I read “Practical Advice to Teachers” and “Discussions With Teachers” in the Spring LOL).

  • I am on the last lecture of  “The Agriculture Course” right now.  This is an amazing set of lectures, and I have been reading them and re-reading them and taking notes.  Just wonderful.  I really cannot say enough good things about these lectures.  You will think about Agriculture in a whole new way.
  • Next on tap:  Soseman’s “The Twelve Senses”. 

What have you all been reading?  What have you liked?  I am always in the mood to read!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Loving Children In Their Love Language

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Many of you have heard about the book, “The Five Love Languages:  How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate” by Gary Chapman.  It was a runaway success, and after that book Gary Chapman teamed with Ross Campbell to write “The Five Love Languages of Children.”

The thought behind this book is that each child has a “primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best.”  When you read this book, you go through ALL the love languages, because children benefit from all expressions of love, and also because over time your child’s love language might change. 

I like this particular quote as to why love and connection are important: “In this book we will emphasize the importance of love in rearing your child.  The ultimate goal is to rear your child (or children) to become a mature adult.  All aspects of a child’s development require a foundation of love.  For instance, a child’s feelings of anger can be channeled positively when he senses a parent’s love.  He is more likely to consider and accept your suggestions when he perceives your love as genuine and consistent.”

The five love languages are

1. Physical Touch

2.  Words of Affirmation

3. Quality Time

4.  Gifts

5.  Acts of Service

Loving your child in their language on a consistent basis helps a child feel loved through the more challenging times.  Loving your child in an unconditional way and keeping that connection filled, but still holding fast to the boundaries you set, is very important.  These principles hold the  keys for good parenting; I have written about this time and time again on this blog.  Gentle parenting does not mean an absence of boundaries.

You are the parent.  You have more life experience with which to guide your children.  You should know yourself what boundaries there are in your own home and with each other.  Children without any boundaries do not grow up to do well in the world because they have had everything handed to them on their whim and demand.  You can be a gentle parent, an authentic parent, AND you can still do the hard work of keeping the boundaries you have set in your home.  In fact, this is a must for your children to grow up to be healthy adults.

However, your children must feel loved in order for these boundaries to work, and  love languages are a huge piece of this.  You can say you love your child all you want, but if they do not “feel” loved, that is their perception.  Love languages can be this bridge between your world and the world of your child.  It can help provide that connection that forms the basis of a healthy family.

In the next post, we will take a peek at the characteristics of all five of the love languages.  In that, you may learn something about your child, your spouse and yourself.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Teenagers and “Discipline Without Distress”

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Ah, we are down to the LAST two chapters in this book and then we will be ready to start “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Ned To Matter More Than Peers” by Neufeld and Mate.

This chapter is an interesting one from my perspective because I have a few things to add from  not just an attachment parenting perspective but also from  a Waldorf parenting perspective. 

The title of this chapter is “Discipline Tools for Teenagers 13-19: Negotiate”. (Which okay, I have to admit, when I first read the title, I sort of thought, yes, negotiate, but not just negotiate!  But let’s see what Judy Arnall says first).   The author starts the chapter by saying, “I believe most rebellion and power struggles among teenagers and their parents result from the lack of change of discipline techniques that should occur when children grow, particularly the use of non-punitive discipline from the time children are born….The problem occurs when parents use punishments and bribes liberally through the school-aged years, and then find out those methods aren’t working anymore with the children who are more resourceful and bigger than they.”    Agreed!

Another quote:  “…there are plenty of studies that also show teen rebellion, risk behavior, and crime are linked to harsh physical punishment and neglect.”  Agreed.  I have also seen this first-hand in my  work with children and families.

“Some anecdotal evidence comes from the home-schooling community.  It’s interesting to see the peer pressure that engulfs school teens is relegated to the sidelines in homeschooled teens. Family is still front and center in their lives.  I’ve noticed that influence and warmth of family togetherness is still a priority in some home-schooled families’ lives with teenagers.  …..Even in families whose children attend school, I’ve seen close parent-child relationships if the parenting style was nurturing and democratic.  It’s even more important in non-home schooling families due to increased peer pressure.”  Yes!  And this is another reason for the “Hold On To Your Kids” book study coming up!  Attachment can benefit all families, no matter what age the child!

The author talks about how much of the moodiness, sensitivity, etc of the teen years are due to hormones.  This, of course, not being that kind of book, does not take into account the four-fold human being (head back to this post if you need refreshing as to what the four-fold human being entails:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/27/the-four-fold-human-being/    )  Yes, teenagers have hormones, but that only takes into account the PHYSICAL body.  We know that teenagers are in the midst of the  astral body – the seat of emotions, passion, antipathy and sympathy.  Even if you don’t believe in Steiner’s view, how about this idea that something else is developing besides just the  physical body’s progression toward different hormone levels?  The teenage years are about individuality, about discovering one’s identity, one’s likes and dislikes, where one fits.    It is a wild ride!

The author Judy Arnall lists the following parenting techniques that would be helpful for this stage:  listening,  making sure your teenagers knows no topic is off-limits, sharing fun, talking about your days together, being comfortable with disagreeing, offering your advice as an option and not the “ONLY” answer, using humor, telling them what they can do as opposed to what they cannot do, rehearsing strategies with them for situations that would involve risk-taking behavior.

She talks about the development of teenagers, that they do go in and out of the stages of childhood (and therefore are not completely mature), that we must  recognize that their body clock does want to stay up late and sleep late, and many more tips.  This list is on page 125.

She has a whole wonderful list of “living together issues” and “values collisions” and what to do.  There are things such as “Be prepared to seek community support and information should sexual activity, drug use, or other risk taking behaviors go beyond teen experimentation.” 

The next part is sections is negotiate your “no”, focus on the child’s strength, speak respectfully (and insist on being spoken to respectfully), offer a one-time consultation, reflective questions (and I would add NonViolent Communication can be a good tool for those 14 and up), keep communication lines open, reconsider the situation with new information, have a few clear rules, decide what you will do, take a parent time-out, separate the big issues from the small issues (and mentions figuring out the three things you will uphold  no matter what), reduce the reasons for rebellion, respect privacy, change the environment, stimulation, model behavior, decide on problem ownership (this reminds me of Barbara Coloroso’s book), connect and then direct, problem-solve, use I-statements, active listening, spend time together, don’t lecture over a casual question about a “hot”topic, encourage capability, contracts, welcome your teenager’s friends,  developing humor and acceptance, and holding, cuddling and hugs (still important!).

She remarks, “Teens still want  two critical elements of attachment theory:  freedom to explore and a secure base.”  “Teens still need and want  their parents very much but in different ways than in the past.”

She delves into handling “attitude” (both your child’s AND yours!), how to influence a behavioral change (which, always ironically, means to start with changing yourself), dating, driving, school problems, teen pranks, teen peer groups and then high-risk behavior:  sexual  behavior, drugs, suicide, crime, weapons possession, eating disorders.  One sobering statistic noted is that the “average age of first marijuana use in the US is age 14, and many teens abuse alcohol by age 12.”   Also, the US, the UK and Canada, suicide is one of the top three leading causes of death for 14 to 19- year -olds.   Another sobering fact.

The high-risk section was most interesting to me, and I would like to talk about it a bit more in my next post. 

We are almost through this book and I highly encourage you to read this book if you have not been reading along with us before now!

Would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter if you do have the book!

Many blessings,

Carrie

More Christian Resources for Your Waldorf Home!

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(Hi, If you are not Christian, you are not left out today!   I still have a little thought for you at the bottom that you can meditate on, so please keep on reading or at least jump down to “The Question” at the bottom of the page!)

(These resources are more general Christian resources and not specific to one denomination; please see past posts for some wonderful Roman Catholic and Orthodox Christian blogs I love for direction there….  And do go over and join Elizabeth Foss on her Kind Conversation forum for wonderful ideas as well.  Many blessings.)

Update 2011 We have since switched to an Episcopalian parish, so some of these links are no longer pertinent to our family but perhaps will be to yours..

I don’t always write too directly about my personal faith.  However, for those of you seeking Christian Resources for your homeschool adventure, I have written several posts with different resources in the past regarding this subject, but I want to keep adding more so you all can add resources to your own files to use.

You might remember this post where I discussed what we using for our morning, lunch and bedtime devotion time here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/21/summer-planning-christian-education-for-the-waldorf-home/  Would you all believe we are STILL not through our bedtime bible stories as mentioned in this post?  I probably won’t know what to pick after we are done with that one!!  I wrote a follow-up to that post here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/21/a-new-christian-resource/

So, here is my update!  For our mornings, we finished “Step Into the Bible:  100 Bible Stories for Family Devotions” by Ruth Graham.  This book is about 220 pages long, and each day is a glossy photographed two-page spread with a reference to a passage in the Bible, a Memory Verse (we picked one for a week), and questions for understanding which I think would be great with the grades-age child and with a child under the age of 7 I would just let them hear and absorb and not use the questions. 

We then used the book, “Five-Minute Devotions for Children:  Celebrating God’s World As A Family” by Pamela Kennedy with illustrations by Amy Wummer.  This book is 47 pages long with a two-paged spread for each day, so my main complaint is that everyone LOVED this book and it was too short!  The Biblical theme is related to an animal of the day.  There are a few questions, but many of the questions involved finding something in the illustration, and the other questions were about either the animal or the Biblical theme.  There is also a Bible verse you could memorize.  (Again, we picked one Bible verse for the week, and we limited the “understanding” questions to our grades-age child).

So this is where we are now:  “The Big Book of Animal Devotions:  250 Daily Readings About God’s Amazing Creation.”  I don’t like it as much as the other animal devotion book; the animal descriptions are pretty detailed and the tying in to God’s word seems short. However, we are only seven days into this book, so I will let you know as we go along!

I am enjoying praying along with The Anglican Office of the Day (Grandpa is an Episcopalian priest, so we have a long Anglican history in our family). Here is a link for those of you seeking:  http://www.commonprayer.org/offices.cfm    We also are enjoying the feasts, fasts and Saints found here:  http://www.churchpublishing.org/products/index.cfm?fuseaction=productDetail&productID=473 

I am also enjoying these simple Bible verses for my little one:  http://totallytots.homestead.com/InMyHeart2.html  Thank you to Kara at Rockin’ Granola for pointing this blog out to me! 

I am currently reading  “The Hole In The Gospel.”   This is a very, very interesting, emotional read about a man who was CEO for Lenox (fine china) and is now CEO of World Visions, a nonprofit organization.   All of you who read this blog can probably guess I have a big heart for helping people, and I have a big heart for children and their parents.   I have been looking at different mission ministries that really help children and their families. We are currently attending a non-Anglican church and  I really appreciate our current denomination’s long history of mission work and their emphasis on respectful interaction with the culture in which they are sharing.  (Their principles are here:  http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?pid=5858)  That is on my mind as well…. ..just waiting for my children to grow. 🙂

Here is a great FREE resource from an evangelical mission-minded blog  that was meant for around New Year’s to really  help you check in, to really  take stock and see where you are, where your life is, but I think it could be used any time that you would like to stop and assess where your life is.  Here is the link: http://harvestministry.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/2010-mission-7.pdf     I printed this out and put it in my Homemaking Journal (you can see what else I have in my journal here:   http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/22/my-notebook/  – much of my Homemaking Journal is still the same as when I wrote this post, only a little bit has changed! I will update you all on that at some point soon!)

Whilst my husband and I work to impact our local community, I would like for our family to think “more internationally” about children and parents whose community could use help as well.  A friend recommended this organization to us, so we are checking it out: http://www.compassion.com/  I am kind of torn between something like this and supporting a specific missionary for our own denomination like this:   http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?pid=1552

So there are some resources in as close to a nutshell as I could muster 🙂

THE QUESTION FOR ALL:

So here is my question for all of you to meditate on today:  What are the most essential priorities in your life, and does your life reflect your essential priorities?  Could your children pick out your priorities by what you are MODELING for them (not your words, your actions!)  If not, what could you do to change your  life and activities so it matches your values even better?

Many blessings to you all,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”: Ages 6-12

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The title of this chapter is “Discipline Tools for School-aged Children 6-12:  Talk and action”.  I know many of you have been clamoring for information and ideas regarding guidance of the “older” child, so let’s see if this chapter can be of any help.  I am hoping to finish this book up this month, so in June we can start our NEW book, “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Neufeld and Mate here:  http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272674694&sr=1-1  This is a great book, and I think many of you will find it useful!

Back to “Discipline Without Distress.”  You can use the search engine to search for reviews of previous chapters.

First of all, the author starts this chapter with this quote, “There is a reason children don’t start their formal education until age six.  Their brains are not mature enough to handle formal learning. So why then do we expect children zero to five to instantly learn and behave from discipline, when we know they can’t remember four times five yet?”

The author remarks that the SCHOOL-AGED years are the right time to start to teach children right from wrong (which fits in with Steiner’s view that this could only begin to be awakened around age five).  These are the best years to teach and guide.

The author starts the chapter by reviewing typical school-aged behaviors and remarks that children this age “need to experiment with and explore social rules and roles.  They learn to argue, question and honor rules.  They also learn to test and negotiate rules.  What are they for?  How are they made?  What happens when rules are broken?  How different are other families’ rules?”  She has a long list of physical, psychosocial and cognitive milestones and then a list of unhelpful parenting behaviors and helpful parenting behaviors. 

Here are a few:

  • “Stay with your no’s, but your no’s should be getting further and farther in between as  your child makes choices and decisions on their own behalf.”   I would personally argue that this is for the child past the nine-year change and that six, seven and eight is still pretty little.
  • Ignore provocations.  She writes, “Refusing to participate in the power struggle doesn’t mean that you lose.  It means you are the adult and can think and remain calm enough to take a break from the emotional situation.”  Well-said, in my opinion!
  • She talks about asking reflective questions, and I really think this is a tool for those past the nine-year change, not before. In fact, this is probably even more appropriate for a child who is nearing the twelve-year change and has a stronger sense of logic and consequences, which even an eight year old doesn’t really have in full force yet.

The author gives a whole list of guidelines for family meetings.  I would love to hear from some of you who hold family meetings and whether or not you think this is a valuable tool for children who are above age 7 – please do leave a comment in the box!

Judy Arnall remarks that children need supervision at least until age 10. Please, please do keep that in mind!  It is important!  It is also very, very important to spend time with your child at this age and to connect with them!  She talks about using humor, walking away from “attitude” and teaching “calm-down” tools.    She also talks about the importance of  NOT over-scheduling this age group, and the importance of downtime.  She writes, “Children who are enrolled in nothing other than school have just as equal chance of success in life as an overscheduled child. Perhaps more, in that they have had much more downtime to reflect, dream, process information, and relax.”  I love this, and I think THIS is a true benefit of homeschooling, to be honest!

There are further sections on solving school problems, consequences, peer pressure and dealing with negative peer pressure, and handling bullies.

She also writes about the importance of modeling INTEGRITY for this age group.  This is right up my family’s alley, and is part of our Family Mission Statement (Kindness, Positive Attitude and Integrity!)..”Integrity is about doing the right thing when it’s not always convenient, cheap, or easy to do so, and even when no one is looking or there is no way to get caught.  It’s about whether one can face {oneself} in the mirror and feel good about {his or her} actions.  It’s about being honest and integral to the self-image of who they are.”   The author even throws in a simple quiz for you, the parent, to take regarding your “Integrity Quotient.”  See page 315!

Great food for thought in this chapter – two more chapters to go!

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Discipline For Preschoolers 3-5 Years”: “Discipline Without Distress”

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We have followed the anthroposophical book “Tapestries” on this blog, which is a look at the seven-year cycles through the adult life span, and we are slowly making our way through this book.  I want to finish this book up as I would like to move forward to our new book soon!  Stay tuned for a surprise announcement as to what that next book will be!

Judy Arnall kicks off this chapter by reminding us of the world of the preschooler.  Children this age: are  learning about reality versus fantasy (although I would argue that elements of that fantasy world hang on strongly until the nine-year change; how many six and seven year olds still believe in Santa; how many still have that innate ability to feel one with nature?  But I digress..);   are having experiences with the natural consequences of their behavior:are  becoming aware of power and are  learning about that by engaging in power struggles (please do NOT confuse this with willful manipulation or defiance!  If you need a primer on “defiance” in the under seven crowd please see this post to help you out: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/ ); beginning to learn about socially acceptable behavior; beginning to learn about rules (Carrie’s note: the knowledge of right and wrong really begins at about age five and it is just beginning; your three and four year olds  still don’t have a great grasp on it all!); are engaging in fantasy play and may have imaginary friends and such; may lie as a result of wishful thinking and fantasy but NOT MALICE (remember, four year olds are Master Boasters and Exaggerators, not liars! :))

She runs through the developmental milestones for age three (here are posts on this blog about that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/   and this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/18/three-year-old-behavior-challenges/   and realistic expectations for a three year old here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/28/realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/).  She mentions improved appetite, using a fork (although I know many a four year old who would rather eat with their hands :)), very, very active; may drop afternoon nap, can take off all clothes and put on simple clothes; imitates speech of others, can peddle a tricycle.  Judy mentions a three year old can play cooperatively with children. I disagree, unless there are other adults to model off of and hold that space  or older children about to help carry it all. There is a reason school used to start around age five!   She mentions children this age  are beginning to express feelings with words, that three year olds are egocentric in thought and action with some empathy beginning to develop, anxious to please, accepts self as an individual.  The author also writes that no logical reasoning is present, a child this age believes inanimate objects are real, and  that “mythical and magical explanations are readily accepted for natural phenomena”, attention span is about fifteen minutes. 

For the four and five year old milestones, she notes such things as proficient with fork, spoon and cup (and again, I know many four and five year olds who would be  very content to eat with their fingers :)); no naps but sleeps 12 hours at night; very active with skipping and hopping on one foot; can throw overhand, can ride a scooter or two wheeled bike with training wheels (and some can ride a bike without training wheels as well is my note); hates to lose games, beginning of sex identification; has beginning emotions tied to social interaction with others such as guilt, insecurity, envy, confidence, humility; begins to respect simple rules (Carrie’s note is that four is the height of many out of bounds behavior, see the defiance post!); tensional outlets can be high, very honest and blunt; don’t really understand cause and effect at all; asks many questions about everything; beginning to distinguish between edible and non-edible substances; sentences are three and four words long; memory is rote and must start from the beginning to remember items in their order such as numbers or song verses; often confuses sequences of events; attention span is about 20 minutes.  Judy Arnall writes, “Does not recognize limits.  Just beginning to learn them.”  “Learning self-control but takes much practice.”  For further information about the four year old, see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/discipline-for-the-four-year-old/  and for the five-year-old see here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/    

She writes an UNHELPFUL parenting behavior is “Expecting more reason, understanding, and logic at this stage.  Not within the child’s capacity yet.”  Ways to parent helpfully for a child of this age include responding to questions simply, teaching and modeling appropriate behavior, talking about a limit (and I would add along with physical re-direction; words alone are not going to do it!); having predictable routines and rituals; nurturing child through touch, words, actions, feelings; parental self-care and all the helpful behaviors she listed in the babies and toddlers chapters.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCIPLINE TOOL FOR THIS AGE ( I would say outside of CONNECTION) is the ability to set a boundary and stay with that boundary.  You must honor your words, you must have thought things through ahead of time, and if you agree to do something, you must do it.  Judy does mention, “Again, at this age, use as few words as possible.”  (page 248). This backs up my view that we work with the BODIES of small children.    The author advocates choices; I would say many children do not do well with choices at this age and become frustrated as they pick something and then want the other thing, etc.  Please do think about what works for your child.  “Tell your children exactly what specific descriptive behavior you expect.”  I would add, SHOW THEM, do it WITH them.  This is important.  Judy Arnall advocates asking reflective questions; I think less questions for this age group actually.  The author talks about how changing the environment, so effective for younger ages, still works wonders for this age group.  Other helpful tools mentioned include parental time-outs, being polite and firm and kind, picking your battles and giving positive feedback.  There are other tools the author mentions, but I picked those out to highlight. 

Modeling is very important!  Judy Arnall writes, “Watch especially how you treat other people, from your partner all the way to the grocery clerk who gave you the wrong change.  Your children are picking up tone of voice, words, actions, and reactions, and they will copy them.”  “Modeling is such a powerful force, that it’s included as a tool in all age categories.  In fact, if all parents did was model correct behavior and didn’t correct their child on any negative behavior, children would be keen to learn how to behave properly in society, based on how the adults act.” Love this!

There is so much more in this chapter, including a checklist of natural consequences, a discussion regarding preschoolers and self-control, power struggles, how to nurture your child’s creativity, stages of play and how friendship evolves, timeless toys for all age groups, strategies to prepare your child for the arrival of a new baby, remedies for sibling rivalry, how to resolve issues without resentment, manners, chores or allowances or both?,  building a healthy self-esteem.

This is a great chapter, pick what resonates with you.  Parent with COURAGE!  You can do this!  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/05/parenting-with-courage/

Moving along to the six to twelve year old!

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”: Discipline Tools for Toddlers 1-2 Years: Action

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Judy Arnall starts this chapter with this observation that I  see all the time, “Parents believe if they don’t nip many behaviors in the bud at this stage, the behaviors will grow and become monstrous later on and their children will be destined to become criminals because they were too lenient when they were toddlers.  NOT TRUE!”

The toddler stage does not involve reasoning.  There is no reasoning yet.  Toddlers are just realizing they can’t always get what they want, and this leads to temper tantrums.  Your toddler is “doing” and the best you can do as a parent is to childproof, supervise, redirect, distract, provide substitutions, pick up your toddler and move them around with your gentle hands away from danger or situations that they shouldn’t be into. 

Toddlers can sometimes follow two word commands.  On this blog, I write from a traditional perspective and also a Waldorf perspective.  The Waldorf perspective on this would be to engage the child’s body and not expect a tiny child to follow a verbal command only.  You cannot parent a toddler from the couch. 🙂  GET UP!

A toddler is going to express negativity. “ No”  has power, “no”  has meaning.  Toddlers often use their body to express their negativity – hitting, biting, pushing – because their words are not totally there yet.  Even the ones that are “verbally” advanced lose their words when they become upset!  They want to be independent (the “me do it” stage), but still need help.  They don’t play with other children yet, they have fears of things such as thunder or animals or vacuum cleaners.  Their thinking really is “this is here, this is now” without much  memory involved.  They do, however,  IMITATE what YOU do!

Saying no frequently is not helpful in guiding your child – tell them what you would like to see, and better yet, SHOW THEM.   Childproof your environment so you don’t have to say NO fifty times a day.  Also, Judy Arnall points out that “parents have no control over eating, sleeping, toileting, and learning.  The parent can facilitate those processes, but not force them.”  This is something important for a parent to come to grips with.

She lists a page of discipline tools for toddlers including staying with your no, changing the environment, planning ahead, having routines, holding and carrying and restraining the child as needed, giving encouragement, ignoring some things if you can, time-in (see my take on “Time In for Tinies” here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/  ), saying no another way, letting the child have their feelings (my note is that you can’t “fix” how another person feels!  Let them have their feelings!), supervision, parent time-outs, modeling, redirection, holding, hugs and many more tips. 

The author recommends anticipating problems ahead of time and planning ahead.  She also says “avoid play places if you know they get frustrated and hit other children.”  Provide toys whilst changing a diaper or change the diaper standing up or in front of a mirror.  She talks extensively about the fact that toddlers love routines, and also gives examples of some “routines” that small children can do – for example, hanging towels after taking a bath, putting clothes in the basket, everyone carrying their things in from the car.  Essentially, you are laying down the house rules and chores that will become embedded in the existence of a three and four year old.  A three and four year old really knows and understands how things work in your house!

Judy Arnall has sections in this chapter regarding toilet learning, handling emotion, toddler sleep problems, why toddlers don’t understand rules, separation anxiety and how to deal with it, picky eating, toddler aggression and tips for handling this….Another great chapter!

This book deserves a home on your shelf!  Check out Amazon for a copy!

Many blessings,

Carrie