We have arrived at the last chapter in the book “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.  The last chapter is entitled, “Re-Create The Attachment Village”.   The authors paint the picture in the opening of this chapter that many of us grew up in  places where neighbors knew one another, children could play within the neighborhood and be watched over by any number of parents….and how this has disappeared for many of us today. 

The authors talk about creating attachment villages and the importance of children feeling at home with the adults we entrust them to.  “In traditional attachment communities a child never had to leave home – he was at home wherever he went.  Today’s children also shouldn’t have to leave home, or at least the sense of being at home with the caring adults, until they are mature enough to be at home with their true selves.”

The suggestions of the authors include:

• Valuing adult friends who have an interest in  our children and foster our children’s relationships with these adults. 
• Create traditions that connect our children to extended family.
• Have socializing that includes children, not separating them.  “As much as possible, we should be participating with our children in villagelike activities that connect children to adults whether through religious or ethnic centers, sports activities, cultural events, or in the community at large.”
• Introduce our children to other trusted adults in a way that confers an “attachment blessing.” 
• Work with blended families – “We need to turn what may seem to be either/or relationships into this-and-that relationships.” 
• Making sure we connect with our children’s friends – insisting on greetings, introductions, keeping the children in a common area, and cultivating relationships with the parents of your children’s friends. 
• I liked this quote:  “Every parents needs a supporting cast, and the less one exists naturally, the more it needs to be cultivated by design.”

This book study has come to a close; the other books I have done chapter-by-chapter in the past include “Tapestries” by Betty Staley and “Discipline Without Distress” by Judy Arnall.

Our next chapter-by-chapter book will be “Love and Anger:  The Parental Dilemma” by Nancy Samalin with Catherine Whitney.  You can see the book here:  http://www.amazon.com/Love-Anger-Parental-Nancy-Samalin/dp/0140129928/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299692496&sr=1-1

Many blessings,

Carrie

This chapter is entitled “Don’t Court The Competition”  and talks about how a child having friends/peers is NOT the enemy, it is peer ORIENTATION that is the enemy.  That is a large difference!

I liked this quote found on the first page of this chapter:  “…today’s parents and teachers view early and extensive peer interaction in a positive light.  We encourage it, unaware of the risks that arise when such interaction occurs without adult leadership and input.  We fail to distinguish between peer relationships formed under the  conscious and benign guidance of adults and peer contacts occurring in attachment voids.”

The authors have a list in this chapter to help parents avoid the problem of peer orientation:

1.  “Don’t be fooled by the first fruits of peer orientation” – ie, it is wonderful to have children entertain each other, and the authors point out that a child who is used to peers will go to school and learn more easily at first because they are used to other children and not anxious about being with other children, away from family  but how later on, the negative effects of peer orientation really kicks in.  “In the first days of school in kindergarten, a peer-oriented child would appear smarter, more confident and better able to benefit from the school experience.  The parent-oriented child, impaired by separation anxiety would, by contrast, appear to be less adept and capable – at least until he can form a good attachment to the teacher…..In the long term, of course, the positive effects on learning of reduced anxiety and disorientation will gradually be canceled by the negative effects of peer orientation.  Thus follows the research evidence that early advantages of preschool education are not sustainable over time.”

Carrie’s note – I don’t think anyone in the mainstream media of the US are aware of the research studies regarding preschool!  Do you?

I also want to throw a note in here:  I see some homeschooled families who really isolate themselves in the Early Years.  Being home does not mean not interacting with neighbors, it does not preclude being involved with your place of worship, your extended family, etc.  It does mean around the age of five, if you have not before, there should be short playdates that are STRUCTURED.  It does mean that by age 7, most children can operate in a small group setting without falling apart, even the boys that could not do this before.  Social skills do have value! 

If you have a very socially anxious child, I think this is a great thing to work on in the six year old kindergarten year, starting small, being steady and fully present and structuring things.  The world needs to open up a bit around six if it has not already. 

Friendships become increasingly important headed into the nine year change and I feel parents who have not worked on this at all, ie, no social opportunieis for their children at all, are doing their children a disservice.

And again, this is all my opinion so take what resonates with you for your family.

2.  “Shyness is not the problem we think it is” – “Adult-oriented children are much slower to lose their shyness around their peers.”  Psychological maturity is what eventually tempers shyness.

Carrie’s note:  Again, though, I think there is a difference between shyness and anxiety.

3. “The stress of day care in the absence of attachment. “

4.  “Getting along with others does not arise from peer contact.” -   “Many parents seek playgroups for their toddlers.  By the preschool age, arranging peer contacts for our children has often become an obsession. …The belief is that socializing – children spending time with one another- begets socialization:  the capacity for skillful and mature relating to other human beings.  There is no evidence to support such an assumption despite its popularity.”

A very interesting section.

5.  “It is not friends that children need.” -  “Until children are capable of true friendship, they really do not need friends, just attachments.”

6.  “Peers are not the answer to boredom.”  Also a good section. 

The authors are careful to point out at the end of the chapter that their intent is not to tell parents that children should not have friends, but that parents should view play time with children as fun, and that’s it and that we should connect with our children after every peer interaction.  They go on with sections regarding peers not being the answer to eccentricity, and how peers cannot be relied upon to sustain a child’s self esteem, and how peers are NOT the same as siblings and how a more appropriate substitution for siblings in the case of an only child are not peers, but cousins.  A very interesting section!

Did you like this chapter?  Thoughts?

Many blessings,

Carrie

This is entitled, “Discipline That Does Not Divide” and starts off by stating that “Imposing order on a child’s behavior is one of the greatest challenges of parenting.  How do we control a child who can’t control himself?  How do we get a child to do something she does not want to do?  How do we stop a child from attacking a sibling?  How do we handle a child who resists our directions?”

The authors go on to state that behavioral approaches with artificial consequences, imposed sanctions, and withdrawal of privileges are adversarial and there are other effective ways of changing a child’s behavior.  After all, discipline itself is about teaching, self-control, rules not just punishment. 

The authors say we must start with ourselves as parents.  “Our ability to manage a child effectively is very much an outcome of our capacity to manage ourselves.”  I agree with this, and have talked extensively about this on this blog.  However, I wish the authors had also pointed out right here that children are developmentally immature and children do pull out things that parents do not demonstrate.  They do say several paragraphs later that “It is not our children’s fault that they are born uncivilized, immature; that their impulses rule them or that they fall short of our expectations.  The discipline for parents is to work only in the context of connection.”  So I guess they do sort of mention what I had hoped, but I wish they had provided some good examples so parents don’t feel like failures in modeling behaviors when their children do things that children just do!

The authors go on to list seven principles of natural discipline that the authors outline in this chapter:

1.  Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line.  You all know how much I hate time-out, so this section is right up my alley.  Connect before you correct.  Breathe before you connect would be what I would add here.  Take a moment and pull yourself together before you react. 

2. When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident.  This section addresses what I call “dog training”  as applied to children:  ie, if we don’t correct the behavior immediately, right now, then our children will obviously grow up to be Great Delinquents In Life.

I think this is true, that a sideways approach can work but again, I wish there more examples for parents here of what needs to be handled right away and directly and what could use a sideways approach.  I also think this section could be mistaken for “you don’t need to do anything”.  Understanding developmental phases is really important, but boundaries are still there whether the behavior is associated with development or not.  What development gives you is the right tools to use in conjunction with connection and your own inner work as a parent.

3.  When Things Aren’t working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson.  They don’t mean to draw tears by doing something to the child, but how it is necessary to present things firmly and to not justify, explain, reason it all away and sometimes that makes the child upset and causes tears.  “Your sister said no.”  “I can’t let you do that.”  This may very well draw tears, but you still have to be lovingly firm.  Boundaries! 

Not sure I really liked the wording of this section, but I guess it does underscore the important place that sadness and anger does have and how it is not beneficial to shield our children from being sad or angry by over-explaining and not enforcing any boundaries at all.

4.  Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior.  Provide something for the child to hang on to that gets them going in the direction you want – ask for their help, redirect, garner cooperation, with older children share your own values.  For an older child (I would say over twelve for some of these statements), they have such statements in this section as the parent saying, “I’m always proud of myself when I can feel frustrated without insulting anyone.  I think you’re old enough to try it now.  What do you think?  Are you willing to work on it?”  This section is thought- provoking and worth a read.

5.  Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior.  “Trying to stop impulsive behavior is like standing in front of a freight train and commanding it to stop.  When a child’s behavior is driven by instinct and emotion, there is little chance of imposing order through confrontation and barking commands.”  Isn’t that truth?  The authors talk about neuropyschologists who have uncovered that much of a child’s responses are driven by instinct and emotion, not from conscious decision making.  (Which is what I have said time and time again in this space!  See the back post on defiance, it is ever popular!)  The authors talk about how to use mixed feelings to bring order out.  Again, I think this tactic is  for much older children.

6.  When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity.  “Children who have trouble with self-control also lack the ability to recognize the impact of their behavior or to anticipate consequences.  They are incapable of thinking twice before acting or of appreciating how their actions affect other people.”    We help our children by providing cues with models.  “Many kinds of behavior can be scripted:  fairness, helping, sharing, co-operation, conversation, gentleness, consideration, getting along.”

7.  When unable to change the child, try changing the child’s world.  The authors give some great examples, but also provide the caution that some parents use this technique to extreme lengths and remind us that this should never be used to the exclusion of the other six discipline methods mentioned.

Lastly, the authors point out that “the use of structure and routine is a powerful way of imposing order on a child’s world, and thus on the child’s behavior.” This was a traditional function of culture that is being eroded away.

“Structures need to be created for meals and for bedtimes, for separations and reunions, for hygiene and putting things away, for family interaction and closeness, for practice and for homework, for emergent self-directed play and for creative solitude.  Good structures do not draw attention to themselves or the underlying agenda, they minimize bossing and coercion.”  Sounds like what Waldorf education says about the use of rhythm to me….

Interesting chapter!  Thoughts, comments from those of you reading along?

Many blessings,

Carrie