Discipline, Support and Guidance of the Nine-Year-Old

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We have peeked at both the traditional and anthroposophic views of the nine-year-old in two previous posts.    Nine is definitely a time of change, a time of feeling separate from parents and family, a time when peers become extremely important, a time of developmental “rebellion” in some ways (I don’t really like that term, but there it is).  A time to question what is real, what is not real, do adults know what they are doing, why are rules the way they are, and are things fair?

I think nine doesn’t have to be incredibly difficult if you have a generally happy and calm household and if you yourself feel balanced and calm.  I think this is why in general parenting and in Waldorf, we look to the family life and ourselves  first and  if a child seems consistently way out of sorts.  Even traditional parenting resources suggest this.  “Your Nine-Year-Old” by the Gesell Institute quoted pediatrician Sanford Matthews as saying, “ [he suggests] when mothers come to [him] distraught because their disciplining of their children is going badly, that these mothers concentrate on making their own lives more rewarding, rather than emphasizing merely their relationship with their child or children.”

Having realistic expectations for each age is highly important.  I talk about that time and time again on this blog.  Nine-year-olds in general may withdraw from the family and from you.  They may complain a lot, and gradually all this anxiety and complaining diminishes as ten approaches.

Nine- year -olds need detailed instructions and need reminders.  If you ask them to do something, they may want to do it later and then they forget.  If your child is sulky or cross when you ask them politely do to something, chances are if you ignore that and don’t make a big deal about their attitude, they will do what you are asking (although it may not be with a smile!).  Most nine-year-olds think in terms of right and wrong, and do want to do what is “right”.  Fairness is a big deal, and so is what peers think.  Most nine-year-olds are very honest, and will tell you things that they did and not really hide things they did that they thought were “wrong”.

Facing the natural or logical consequences of behavior is by far the best means of guidance.  Now is also the time you can really start to put family values into words, if that hasn’t come up in some many words before.  And although your child is past the age of imitation, what you model is more important than your words.  Being positive and loving your child is really the most important thing.

You have to maintain your cool and calm self to really be that wall they can bounce off of, that boundary they can push against and realize that the boundary doesn’t crumple.  Solutions and solving problems and fixing mistakes is much more important than blaming and dwelling on what happened over and over.

The other thing to consider is now that your child is feeling a bit more separate from you and  is concerned about peers  and what peers think, now is a great time to practice either “no comment” or being able to just say supportive things.  If a child says, “My friends don’t like me” it is not an opening to ask what they did to cause that, to go into the fact you didn’t like those friends anyway,  that they need to be at home more anyway, that they will make better friends in the future, etc.  First of all, emotions still can turn on a dime.  I think we all remember from our childhood days being really angry with a friend and then an hour later we are best friends again. Secondly, you do not need to own your child’s stuff.  This is their stuff, not yours.  It is theirs to start to work through, and you are the gentle guidance and support, but not The Great and Ultimate Fixer.

Some parents begin to worry – they see their child doing something they themselves did at that age, or think their child’s personality is similar to theirs and feel badly about this.  “I don’t want my child to do what I did!”  “I don’t want my child to be like me!”  I suggest to you to keep an attitude that this is a phase, your child is headed toward ten, be positive, model what you do want to see and choose your battles and your words carefully!

The other key piece of being nine, I think, is that the child needs another adult besides you to look up to and to trust.  Steiner talks about the importance of a trusted community and role models during this time.  If you have a limited circle outside of your family, perhaps consider expanding that a bit with some trusted friends to help you.

Just a few thoughts on the nine-year-old tonight!

Many blessings,

Carrie

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The Nine-Year-Old: An Anthroposophic Perspective

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“The change in the children’s self-awareness grows stronger at the age of nine, and you find that they understand much better what you say about the difference between the human being and the world.  Before they reach the age of nine, children merge far more thoroughly with the environment than is the case later, when they begin to distinguish themselves from their surroundings.  Then you will find that you can begin to talk a little about matters of the soul and that they will not listen with such a lack of understanding as they would have listened earlier.  In short, the children’s self-awareness grows deeper and stronger when they reach this age.”

-Steiner, Lecture 7 of “Practical Advice to Teachers”

The nine-year-change is a momentous occasion in the life of a child according to an anthroposophic perspective.  Roberto Trostli writes in “Rhythms of Learning:  Selected Lectures by Rudolf Steiner”:  “Like Adam and Eve in Paradise, young children live in peace and harmony with their environment, intimately connected to their surroundings, full of trust and confidence in the world.  When children turn nine, this trusting, secure, relationship to the world begins to change.”

Children at this age often have a quiet, not verbalized, “inner crisis” where they begin to have questions about themselves and their purpose in the world, about whether or not rules are really justified, whether or not adults really do know everything, and whether or not adults believe in something higher than themselves and how is this expressed.  Steiner believed that it was of utmost importance that an adult guide the child toward a renewed sense of  confidence in the world and in their place in it.  In the Waldorf school curriculum, this is done in several areas during the ninth and tenth year: through the Old Testament stories of Third Grade, through zoology in Fourth Grade (Man and Animal blocks) and botany and through the study of geography (Trostli discusses the zoology, botany and geography at length in his book and you can read Steiner himself regarding the nine-year change and the teaching of natural history and such in Lecture 7 of “Practical Advice to Teachers”.)

Regarding the Old Testament Stories, I like what Donna Simmons says here in her book, “The Christopherus Waldorf Curriculum Overview for Homeschoolers”  (because this is where so much of our own baggage can come up!).  She writes, “”Stories from the Old Testament speak to the child’s growing independence and the first stirrings of true logical thought.  The ability to understand right and wrong is reflected in Moses giving his people the Law-and, as this is no straightforward process, the nine-year-old can inwardly relate to the way the Israelites accepted that Law!  The struggle to overcome jealousy and revenge, questions of what is right and wrong, and when to have faith in authority are all right three in the Old Testament as they are in most nine-year-olds.  By absorbing these stories the child will also gain an inner understanding of both Judaism and Christianity, something really important to an appreciation of our Western culture, even if you and your family are neither Jewish nor Christian.”  To look further at this book, please see this link: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/essential-christopherus-publications/waldorf-overview-for-homeschoolers.html   and here is a blog post regarding the greater anthroposophic detail of these Old Testament stories: http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/old-testament-s.html     )  Melisa Nielsen also has a blog post here addressing the Old Testament stories, fears of families and how this all fits with the nine-year-old change:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/01/the-stories-of-grade-three-and-beyond.html

For a further discussion of the depth of the Old Testament stories and their worth and fit to the nine-year-old, I direct you to Lois Cusick’s excellent book, “The Waldorf Parenting Handbook.”  In it she writes of the nine-year-old:  “A more intense sense of self shakes the child’s unquestioned feeling of belonging, of unity with all around him.  Suddenly the others look farther away, alien.  The thought comes, “Perhaps I do not belong.”  The increasingly aware child looks more keenly at the real world of adults around him.  Now it is up to the teachers and parents to show the child that they see and understand what is happening to him, that he does belong, and in a new, more socially conscious way.”  House-building, agriculture, gardening – all fit in well with a child during this nine-year-old change who is starting to realize the interconnectedness and interdependence of humans.

Other posts in the past I have written regarding the nine-year-old change may also be of assistance:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/11/a-few-resources-for-the-nine-year-change/  and there are a few more if you search in the search engine.

Our next post will look at the best ways to support a nine-year-old and how to deal with issues of discipline in the nine-year-old.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Searching For A Blog

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I saw this blog and I am searching for it again and hope some of you can help me.  On it was photographs of scenes this mother had set up to go with Eric Fairman’s Path of Discovery Grade One verses for the Qualities of Numbers (ie, What is One?  What is Two?)  I think it involved a wooden wolf figurine as a journey guide.  Does anyone out there know this blog?

Many thanks,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress: Chapter 6: Your Child Is Unique: All the factors that affect discipline”

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We are still plugging away through this book, do see the back posts on each chapter.  Amazon has this book for sale here:  http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264905764&sr=8-1

Today we are looking at the chapter that talks about the influences on discipline from  your child.

First up is the idea of developmental milestones and stages.  For those of you who regularly follow this blog, you know I am big into this.  Characteristics of ages three to nine are now on this blog, you can use the search engine to look up ages.  I am working on posts for the one-month-old through age two and a half as we speak, so eventually every age from birth until the nine-year-change will be represented on here and I hope that will really help many, many parents. 

Judy Arnall points out that once children reach a new stage, they can regress backward to a previous stage until they move forward again.  Parents can often view this as “misbehavior” or that the child is “just doing this to annoy me; they know better” when in reality they are getting used to this new stage and learning. 

The author addressed temperament, and how the intensity of temperament is what often counts.  I personally think that temperament, at least the traditional view of temperament, is often highly charged and read into by parents.  I know that offends some of  you, and I am sorry for that, but in my personal experience and in my observation of hanging around the attachment parenting community for a long time now, I think that we should put less “labels” on it all and focus on meeting a child’s behaviors where they are.  Sensitive children do need lots of understanding, but so do all children.  All children, even so-called “easy-going” children go through days where their behavior is more challenging and they need help and guidance and connection and warmth.  Part of the personal development and inner work in parenting is learning to be calm during these times, to help guide the child, to meet the child with warmth and understanding and connection. 

My problem with the labels (and I have said this before in my post on the older child with “high needs”)  is that they have a way of not disappearing as the child grows – once a “high-needs baby” then a “high-needs child” then a “high-needs dramatic teenager”.  Yes, there are those personality traits associated in much of the attachment parenting literature (persistence, sensitivity, adaptability, intensity, regularity, activity level, first reaction, mood), and everyone does have these traits to different degrees, but what a boring world it would be if we were all easy-going!  Sometimes I just feel that “high needs   I know some will totally disagree with this, I  just want to challenge parents to meet their babies and children where they are, without labels  and judging and just meet them with love.  You can use the search engine to find more posts about the “high-needs” baby and child and older child.

One thing the author does mention, which I think is totally true, is that some children are more distractible than others, and how sometimes a child who is sensitive to noise and other stimuli end up with massive temper tantrums.  Judy Arnall  puts this under the label of the “highly spirited child”.  One other thing she points out about this type of child is that rhythm, warmth, rest/sleep, physical contact, is very important for this type of child.  These are the things that Steiner saw as important for every child, and I find it interesting,  this intersection of attachment parenting and Waldorf parenting (again!)

The author talks about allowing spirited children to have their whole range of emotions, but again, I think this is important for all children. I feel that yes, some may have more intense demonstrations of emotion that last longer, but all children have emotion! In younger children, the emotions are more undifferentiated (most small children when upset just feel “bad” for example, if you ask them), and the ability to verbalize emotions increases with age and maturity.  In this chapter, the author  talks about the need for the spirited child to have boundaries that cover the important things and not to “battle” over smaller things – this is something I advocate for dealing with all children. 

Moving along!

The author tackles maturation and birth order. The birth order section was interesting to me, birth order always is. 

She recommends for the oldest to give privileges with age, to be careful of their mothering or fathering tendencies and do not put them in charge of siblings all of the time, encourage fun and spontaneity, reinforce that mistakes are okay.  For middle-born children, she recommends encouraging help with chores, asking their advice and avoiding comparisons, put them in the number one position at times and to give them some new things instead of hand-me-downs for everything.  For youngest children she recommends giving chores and responsibility, encouraging independence, and not doing less for them than you did for your oldest.  For only children, she recommends  giving lots of opportunities to develop friendships (okay, as an only child I take a bit of offense here.  Why is that all people seem to think that only children are spoiled brats and need to learn to share?  I have actually had people say to me, “Wow, you don’t act like an only child!”  I guess that is a  nice compliment in a back-handed way?! Hahaha.)  She also recommends for the only child letting them find things to do when they are bored, encouraging sharing and problem-solving skills for conflicts, and doing your best to avoid discussing adult problems and concerns with them (which I recommend for all small children under the age of 7).

She talks about the new baby-toddler syndrome (you know, where your three and four year old seem so big now that there is a baby in the house?)  The author talks about learning styles and multiples intelligences with their implications for discipline, and gender differences.  For a further look, do see back posts on the Elium’s “Raising a Daughter” and “Raising A Son.”  Excellent books as well on this.  She also discusses personality traits, love languages, sensitive children, and brain development milestones.

The brain development milestones is a section I think should be required reading for parents.  I believe today too many parents think their small child has the reasoning capability of an adult, which they strongly rely on in discipline.  This is a faulty view based upon the biology of the child.  The author here goes into every age and what they really do or don’t understand.  Here are just  a few examples, get the book to see all of them!

  • A two-year-old does not understand time-out or what they did wrong or consequences and has no impulse control.  Also has really no memory – when Mommy is gone, Mommy is gone.
  • At five years old, most seem to understand “no” means “do not do that.”  They comply with requests less than half of the time.  They still may hit or kick when frustrated.
  • At six years old, the child cannot “multi-task”.   They can do simple chores one at a time.   They are starting to understand a bit more about what is dangerous, but often doesn’t understand why something is dangerous.
  • Seven years can sit still for half an hour to forty-five minutes; begins to know what is dangerous and why but will forget in the moment if preoccupied with something else
  • Eleven years – stops hitting other person when they are angry, can understand social implication of lying and swearing
  • Twelve years – can do chores without nagging or reminding
  • Twenty to twenty five years is when the frontal lobes are still developing (the frontal lobes control logical thinking and planning, understanding consequences).

I love things like this because they really prove and demonstrate how slowly children develop. 

The author remind us that children are ego-centric, loud, messy, can put themselves in dangerous situations, don’t know how to clean up, very active until about age 12 and need that balance of physical activity versus quiet activities, they are not time focused, they don’t know how loud they are, they are honest, they do things without thinking!

Does this description sound like any of the children in your life?

Love for today,

Carrie

The Magic of Candlemas

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This is a festival that is new to many people, and really can be two separate days and in that regard can be a bit confusing.

February 1st is the day to honor St. Brigid (or Brigit, depending upon what reference you use). ( February 1st also is Imbolc or Imbolg in the Pagan tradition).

February 1st is seen as the first day of Spring.  I know this seems very odd indeed when in many parts of the Northern Hemisphere people are dealing with ice and cold, but within the agricultural realm, this day is the day that marks the days getting a bit longer.  This is a traditional time to prepare for lambing, and usually spring sowing begins.

Brigid was originally viewed as a Celtic goddess, at least according to the Irish tradition as counted in “Celebrating Irish Festivals” and then Brigid became revered as a Saint within the advent of Christianity in Ireland.  There are stories about Brigid as the daughter of  the innkeeper that gave the holy family shelter in the stable, that she helped Mary escape with an infant Jesus by distracting guards who searched on King Herod’s orders…

She is associated with having a cloak of miracles.  In some stories, Brigid requested to have land given to her by the King of Leinster, and when the King said she could have whatever her cloak covered, she laid it down and the cloak covered a large parcel of land!

Here are some ways to celebrate:

  • Make Brigid Crosses as protection from evil, fire,  lightening, disease.  There are many instructions for this one the web. Here is what they look like if you are not familiar:  http://janegmeyer.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/fifth-century-weaving-a-saint-brigids-cross/
  • Leave out a cloak for Brigid to bless as she comes by that will give the wearer protection. 
  • Leave out a bowl of milk, butter, salt, for Brigid to bless as she comes by.  Leave out a bowl of oats or blessed food.  If you leave out seeds, these will be blessed for Spring Sowing.
  • Food may include freshly churned butter and braided bread. (Brigid was known as a cowherd and also a beekeeper).  Making some sort of bread with honey may also be appropriate.
  • Snowdrops and dandelions, white and yellow, might be festive for your table with white or green candles and your Brigid’s crosses. 

 

February 2nd is Candlemas, and this is traditionally the day that celebrates the ritual cleansing of Mary after the birth of Jesus and also when Mary presented the infant Jesus in the temple as according to Jewish tradition.   Simeon called Jesus a light, thus tying Him to this day.   There are some stories that say Mary was uncomfortable about presenting Jesus in the temple and the attention that this would bring, and Saint Brigid walked ahead of Mary with a crown of lighted candles in order to divert attention from Mary and Jesus.  Some sources also say that Brigid wore a crown of candles in order to divert attention from Jesus when Herod’s soldiers were hunting Him.  Therefore, Candlemas is celebrated as a festival of lights and also is seen as a day to celebrate the lights of Saint Brigid and her role in helping Mary and Jesus.

“All Year Round” always has such a nice way of putting things.  The authors write here:  “At the beginning of February, when the infant light of spring is greeted thankfully by the hoary winter earth, it seems fitting we should celebrate a candle Festival  to remember that moment when the Light of the World was received into the Temple, when the old yielded to the new.”  Indeed, this day in Eastern churches is “The Meeting” – the festival of the old meeting the new.

Candlemas is the day the Church officially blesses the candles for the year. People used to also put candles around the beehives that they had on this day. 

Of course, Candlemas is also Groundhog’s Day in the United States, and there is much weather lore surrounding that event.  There is also lore surrounding weather and Candlemas in general.  “Festivals, Families and Food” recounts this weather verse:

“If Candlemas Day be fair and bright

Winter will take another flight.

If Candlemas Day be cloud and rain

Winter is gone and will not come again.”

Here are a few ways to celebrate Candlemas:

  • Make candles, of course.  Earth Candles are lovely if  your ground is not frozen – essentially you dig holes, put in a  weighted wick and melted beeswax and help give light to the coming Spring.
  • Making floating candles are nice (there are instructions in “All Year Round”) and dipping candles is a lovely way to spend the afternoon of Candlemas.
  • This is also a great day to make your Nature Table look more toward Spring.  The first flowers, pussywillows or catkins, all those things bring us toward the season of Lent.  Also a great time to make some small flower fairies for your Nature Table and put them out.  There are instructions in “All Year Round” and also in “The Nature Corner”.
  • “Mrs. Sharp’s Traditions” suggests enjoying a candlelit dinner and reading a short story after dinner by candlelight. 
  • Crepes or pancakes are traditional for breakfast.

Many blessings in your celebrations,

Carrie

Blog Round-Up

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Lovey has a new site with some interesting things on it….See here:

http://loveyfinkelstein.blogspot.com/

Nice to have you back, Lovey! 

Here are two mothers that recently implemented some things I have written about with success; thought you all might like a peek:

http://plattdiscoverycottage.com/blog/2010/01/28/negative-children/

and here:  http://mommyerin.blogspot.com/2010/01/random-bits_22.html

Eileen has a very heartfelt post here about Waldorf Afterschooling, and the agony that often goes into a decision about whether to send our children to school or to homeschool:  http://eileensplace.blogspot.com/

There is always something beautiful over at Are So Happy:  http://aresohappy.squarespace.com/   and here at Uncommon Grace:  http://uncommongrace.typepad.com/uncommongrace/  and here at That Artist Woman:  http://thatartistwoman.blogspot.com/  and over here at Catherine’s: 

http://catherine-et-les-fees.blogspot.com/

I also like Melisa Nielsen’s blog here:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/   and Annette’s blog here:  http://natural-childhood.blogspot.com/   and  glimpsing into the lives of the Tan family:  http://syrendell.blogspot.com/

I try not to  stop to look at other people’s blogs daily, because that is too much time on the computer for me and I get sucked into Rabbit Trails (and Rabbit Holes that I can’t get out of!)  I really only have enough time to sweep through email and write a bit, but I really do appreciate all the beautiful and informative things people put on their blogs and I appreciate all of you who make this blog one of your few daily stops as you get on with living and doing!

Many blessings and In Much Gratitude,

Carrie

The Nine-Year-Old: A Traditional View

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These are some things characteristically associated with nine-year-olds from a traditional standpoint.  For further information, please do see “Your Nine-Year-Old” from The Gesell Institute.  I am a fan of these older books, because I think developmentally they hit the nail on the head many times.  Also, I find that many of their observations dovetail with what Steiner said about different ages.  So, these writings resonate with me as both an attached parent and also as a Waldorf parent, even without an anthroposophic perspective.  I think you will find these things are true about your nine-year-old as well! 

Take a look:

“Perhaps the outstanding characteristic of the Nine-year-old is the fact that the child is emerging from his long, strong preoccupation with his mother (or other caretaking parent).”   (page 1).   Essentially the nine-year-old frequently resents his mother, her demands etc and is looking for increased responsibility and independence.  Nine is a pulling in and a pulling away from mother and other figures of authority.

More anxious, more withdrawn  than an eight-year-old but still has varied interests, driven by time and wanting to do everything but unable to give anything up.  Wants to do things just right.  Takes himself and his interests a bit seriously perhaps.  They have a strong NEED to finish things. 

So, completing tasks are very important.  Competition comes out, but they are also a bit more careful and cautious.  Will estimate something before they dive into it, although still not above complaining about how hard something is.

Lots of social criticism and self-criticism. 

Lots of mood swings, tends to worry and complain. (but not as complaining, moody and morose as age 7).  

“They no longer blame others, at least not as much as they used to.  They want things to be run fairly, and they themselves try to be fair.  The beginning of conscience is in the making.”  (page 6). 

May be impatient and quick to anger, but the anger flare-up typically doesn’t last that long.

Individual characteristics come to the forefront.  “There appear to be tremendous individual differences, seemingly more noticeable here than at many other ages.”  (page 9)

Mother-Child Relations:  Not especially interested in Mother, less disappointed if Mother doesn’t live up to their expectations

Father-Child Relations:  Less involved, less demanding of attention, growing respect for Father and his work

The infallibility of the parent is questioned, questioning whether the rules are right or not, slight withdrawal from the family circle, the child is more interested in their own separateness and independence

The nine-year-old objects to any references to what they liked when they were a little baby, they do not react well to anything they consider patronizing or condescending, they may want distance from their parents in public places.

Increased reliability and maturity are noted.

Typically does well with younger siblings but may fight with siblings close in age.

Friends are very, very important.  The nine-year-old s strongly oriented to a group and identify themselves with their friends.  Forming a “club” is a very nine-year-old kind of thing.

The nine-year-old is very proud of and loves his or her grandparents.

The nine-year-old needs someone to kind of bounce off of and work against at the stages of growing independence and separation.

EATING:  better appetite control than at eight, table manners are improving,

SLEEPING:  Will balk about going to bed if the child feels the bedtime is too early.  “Nine o’clock is a customary bedtime for boys and girls of this age.”  Most children this age need about nine hours of sleep a night.

BATHING and DRESSING:  Most still need to be reminded to brush their teeth or wash their hands.  They typically still throw their clothes on the floor when they take them off, and need to be reminded to hang things up.  Interest in clothing is there, but usually are still okay with whatever Mother picks out in the store and brings home.

HEALTH:  Typically in good  health with quick rebound from illnesses.  May hurt or have to go to the bathroom in related to a disliked task or chore, but parents should still pay attention to mention of the child being uncomfortable because “The Nine-year-old is very much aware of inner symptoms that  he feels when overexerted or strained.”

TENSIONAL OUTLETS:  Fewer at nine than there were at eight.  Boys let off extra energy by wrestling around, girls are more likely to be moody. 

SENSE of SELF:  Most nine=year-olds feel good about themselves and their family, although they may still burst into tears if they feel they have failed

PLAY:   Able to enjoy more competitive games, plays hard; boys tend to like building models or rough housing and girls still tend to like dolls.  Hiking, biking, soccer, ice skating, swimming, sledding, bowling are all liked.  They are apt to do one thing until they are completely fatigued and exhausted.

Most do not believe in Santa Claus by this point.  There is little interest in the Big Questions of faith/deity/God or death.

“Now comes a quantum jump.  Successful fourth-grade work demands a new kind of thinking, a new kind of abstracting, a new way to use information that up  till now may have been more or less memorized.    Teachers recognize this big extra requirement that fourth grade makes of most pupils, but many parents are not aware of it.  Thus many are surprised when their child, successful in school up till now, suddenly runs into unexpected difficulties.  It is is in part because of this extra demand of fourth grade that we warn parents  of the importance of being sure that their children are properly placed, in a grade that meets their basic maturity level, right from the beginning.  This is true because even though he may be overplaced, a bright child from a reasonably good home background can often slide through the first three grades.”  (page 87).

Look for an anthroposophical view of the nine-year-old and discipline tips for the nine-year-old to follow!

Many blessings,

Carrie

HELP! How to Waldorf Homeschool With My Grades and Kindergarten Child?

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Question from the field:

I have an 8 year old second grader and a 5 year old. We all come together for morning lesson and it used to be that my little one had his own work – puzzles, play dough, stringing beads. But recently he has been joining the lesson, drawing the lesson picture into his sketch book, he’s trying out copying letters and he has learned to write his name. He does not want the other work right now. The reality in our home is that there is no separation when I read a second grade story they both listen, when we do second grade work, my 5 year old is right there. It’s been this way since the very beginning. Whatever work or story we’ve been doing for my older son, my younger son is a part of it too. We share our day and I love that! But it sure feels like everything revolves around my older son. I feel guilty! We already include some things in our day that are geared more toward the younger, I guess maybe I should step that up. And I do get little moments in my day to cuddle or play a quick game with my little guy. It’s hard to keep it simple, especially when I think about the future! I visualize a Waldorf-one-room-homeschool-house where both boys get what they need and feel (obviously!) overwhelmed!

This is a great question, and it comes up so frequently that I would like to address it in a blog post for everyone to see and read.

First of all, take a deep breath.  Part of homeschooling is more relaxed than a Waldorf School, and that is okay because there are many other advantages to being home.  One of the main advantages is that instead of being separated from each other all day, your children will form a strong bond by being together day in and day out.  The other thing to think of is not only is there an advantage for the younger one to see what the older one is doing, it is an advantage for the older one to see and be a part of what the younger one is doing.  So, please do start with a very positive attitude that this is very best set up for both of your children.

That being said, I agree with your caution regarding running your homeschool just to suit your oldest.  If your oldest is 9 or under, I think we must be especially careful to allow for time for the oldest to play, play, play and be outside and to do other things.  A 7 or 8 year old is still small and has energy to get out, for sure.  This is an advantage

Several things to think and meditate on:  How long is the Main Lesson?  I would say for first and second grade one  to two hours is typical (don’t forget daily practice of math as part of your Circle/Opening!).  How many days a week are you doing school?  Most people do four days a week in these very Early Grades.

Where do you put the Kindergarten Circle/verses, Kindergarten Story and Activity of the Day for the Kindergartener?  You could do baking one day, soup making one day, etc either in the morning before you start the older one’s school or in the afternoon.  It should be the type of thing that the child can join in on or not, and that the oldest can participate in as well or even lead a few songs or verses for the younger child.

In contrast, the older child should have several days a week to devote to handwork or playing a musical instrument and not work with a different activity each day.  They need consecutive days to get things done, projects completed.

How active is your Main Lesson?  There should be singing, movement, oral recitation, cooking, painting, modeling, drawing (not all at once, of course!)  The movement, etc are all things a younger child could join in on.  And don’t go crazy, keep it simple, short, “economical.”

Some Waldorf homeschooling families also have a “Kindergarten Day” a week, where that day the Kindergartener’s activities move to the forefront for that day and the Grades child joins in. 

I think too, the longer one homeschools, the more one is not afraid to be “rigid”, in other words, if the children are playing well, to let them play and start school in a bit or go hiking if the weather is gorgeous….But then also, on the flip side, to know when your Grades child really does need to buckle down and get to work. 

As far as a five or six year old listening in on the Main Lesson, try not to worry too much.  Children under 7 are at the height of imitation, and they are imitating what they see around them.    Give them a “Main Lesson” book and respect if they want to draw in it, but also respect when they are running off to play and are tired of “playing” school.  Writing one’s name and copying down a few  letters does not mean they are ready for formal Grade One lessons yet!  When it is their turn for First Grade or Second Grade, they may vaguely remember some of the stories, but the stories will speak to them on a much deeper level at that point because they are at the right age for them.  And your older child gets the benefit of listening in to the stories for a second time and deepening how they view things as well.  I think that is a very enjoyable part of homeschooling!

That being said, though, do carry on with typical Kindergarten activities, lots of movement, Circle Time and other things that nourish your Kindergartener’s soul.  Meet them where they are developmentally.

Lots of fun, good times, and holistic educational progress is the key!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Waldorf Homeschooling With Large Age Gaps Between Children

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This continues our vein of Waldorf homeschooling, Unschooling, and “What Does Waldorf Look Like In Your Home?”  Today’s post is written by Lauri Bolland, a veteran Waldorf homeschooling mother who is a frequent contributor to Melisa Nielsen’s Yahoo!Group ( see homeschoolingwaldorf@yahoogroups.com to join Melisa’s list).  Lauri has a wealth of experience in this area and I asked her to guest blog for me and share her thoughts about this area that scares so many people away from Waldorf Homeschooling.

Lauri writes:

I have three always-homeschooled children, with 4 1/2 years between the first two and 4 years between the second two. So they were 8 1/2 & 4 when my youngest was a newborn, and they are now ages 20, 15 1/2 & 11 1/2.

It may seem with that kind of age gap (and considering the Waldorf curriculum) that I would be teaching three separate grades all the time, and – for the most part – that’s been true. However, there have often been many times when I could combine my children. When my middle child was in 1st Grade, for example, he spent most of his time hanging out while my eldest did a 5th grade study of the ancients. (With the toddler in the sling or blocked in the room with us with toys.) My eldest was still a non-writer at that point, and a very limited reader, so everything was done aloud – with LOTS of hands on. My middle child now has a tremendous love for history, and I think it was his sideways participation in that year that inspired it. He still remembers how we constructed the Nile River Valley from sand, dirt, seeds, and Legos – and then FLOODED it – and the grass seeds grew like the Delta grows after the rainy season.

When my middle child was in 7th and my eldest was in 10th, I kept them together for a Creative Writing block and a Grammar Intensive Block, both of which I ran like a workshop. We actually had a blast!

Then when my middle child was in 8th and my eldest in 11th, I decided to do Movies as Literature for English/Literature for both of them. 

True, the timeliness of the curriculum was geared more towards my middle child, but I brought the Waldorf inspired thinking and discussion skills to my eldest – so both were well served. I was able to gear questions and discussion toward the developmental level of each child – which sounds very lofty, but wasn’t! LOL! It was a matter of asking one kind of question for one child, and other kinds of questions – according to Waldorf pedagogy – for the other. I required varying amounts of writing, and graded each child’s work differently. Again, I did a “workshop” type of format with discussion, cooperation, shared writing, reading aloud together, and more discussion. Interestingly, when my eldest began college classes in the Autumn, she said her English 101 class was just like homeschooling in that workshop/discussion format!

I put together a semester long block for my eldest’s last year of homeschooling, where we circled the Eastern Hemisphere (Asia, Africa, & Oceana) as a family. It was my choice to do one last thing en masse before she was off to college. For my youngest (4th grade) we focused on the food, clothes, games and Native People’s Myths & Stories of the lands we visited. My 8th grader focused on the geography of the world, weather patterns, native peoples, and the details of these continents – all “on time” for the Waldorf schedule. My 12th grader focused on the beliefs and the great thinkers who arose from these places – or traveled TO these places. We slanted it toward our faith a bit, as she had already covered the historical and geographical sweeps. She (my eldest) lead the majority of the crafts and the cooking for the other two, which gave me a nice break and allowed her to have some teaching responsibility. It was a beautiful way to end our time together, and one of those times I had to go with my “gut” on what to do, but could still tailor it to the underlying philosophies of Waldorf. I think my busiest year was when they were 15, 11 & 7, and I was teaching 9th, 5th & 1st simultaneously – all very demanding years!

I think the primary trick to working with larger age gaps is to be organized. As a woman, I really need our home and our relationships to be running right, or I feel discombobulated and out of sorts. If our cleaning, laundry, meals and shopping are in a shambles, or our relationships are rocky, I just can’t concentrate on school stuff. So I try to be very well organized in regard to what days we do what, and who does what. Also, I’m a bit of a stickler for the way people treat each other. Because it takes a lot of time to run a household and keep relationships pleasant when children are very little, I had to do my best with the small amount of time left for homeschooling.

When they were 9, 5 & 1, for example, I didn’t have two hours for doing the eldest’s schoolwork, so I had to make it a VERY GOOD 45 minutes at the table. Often we needed to move outside for some studies, or to the living room floor for others. It was so much better for my kids in the long run, and helped me to make the most of our days. Steiner had to do this with one of his students when he was a private tutor, and it contributed to his philosophy of teacher preparation.

My second trick for working with large age gaps is planning out every lesson. I know myself pretty well (I’m weak willed) and if I don’t have EVERY lesson planned out, I’ll buckle. As soon as the kids start to balk, I become tempted to drop it all and go do something fun.

I’ve done it more times than I can count! However, if I have all my lessons tidily planned for each and every child, I can hold firmer.

There have been lots of other times we’ve worked together. Believe it or not, we did daily circle time together until just this year. With older children it was more about doing Brain Gym type movement, memorizing facts or poetry, talking walks together, and doing elaborate (and not so elaborate) indoor and outdoor obstacle courses for each other. This year my 9th grader gets started on his High School work early, so it’s just my 5th grade daughter and I. We call it “Movin’ Time” and take walks, do Brain Gym, Form Drawing, etc.

However, she and I did have a two week color-intensive Watercolor painting block which my college student managed to join us for most of! 🙂

Very often over the years, I found life overlapped with homeschooling and homeschooling overlapped with life. By being flexible and organized, we’ve enjoyed quite a bit of family-centered (and still  Waldorf) learning in spite of the age gaps between my children.

Carrie Here:  I love to hear the voices of veteran Waldorf homeschooling mothers – they have so much to offer!  So, what does Waldorf look like in your home?  Getting over your fears enough to jump in and develop a relationship with this most healing form of education?

Many blessings, and much thanks to Lauri for sharing!

Carrie

What Does Waldorf Look Like In Your Home?

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If there is ONE thing I wish I could tell mothers about Waldorf Education in the Home, especially for those mothers whose OLDEST child is under the age of 9, is to keep it simple!  Mothers really, really overwhelm themselves much of the time.  I have been speaking with four separate mothers recently who feel completely overwhelmed even with a prepared curriculum that they bought!

You really don’t have to be an expert in every single thing to start with!

If your oldest child is under 9 and you have multiple children, please do relax.  And maybe here is where the intersection of Waldorf and Unschooling appears a bit more….I think it is okay if your children are playing well and you don’t stop them and gather them for school right away.  I think it is okay to take days on end and cook and bake for Christmas.  I think it is okay if your children spend hours playing in the woods.  If you have multiple children under the age of 9, hey have energy to burn and need the doing. Yes, they need rhythm as balance, but there is also an energy to the cycles of the year that comes out as well.  As they grow older though, hopefully you (and they) will buckle down and get to work,  There is something about cultivating perseverance in our children that is especially important in our “instant happiness and success without any work” society.

Use your younger ones’ nap periods to do the more formal stuff.  When it gets really crazy with the younger ones, take everyone outside and school outside.  Cut back at times when you need to and don’t worry about doing much more than the Gathering Time (be it a Circle Time, Verses and a poem to memorize, active and mental math) and your Main Lesson.  Yes, you can paint and cook and bake as part of your Main Lesson as the “doing” part in this holistic educational art, but if you are trying to bring this as a separate Middle Lesson and it is all  making  yourself feel crazy, why  not let it rest for awhile?  Bring some handwork in during the afternoons, and get outside.

So before you decide you can’t do Waldorf because you are overwhelmed by it (because in the beginning you want to do it all and do it all right and perfectly), please consider this:  you are going to teach Language Arts, Math, Science, Social Studies anyway, so why not bring it through the most “economical” way – Waldorf Education?  Why not bring it in through art, music, movement?  It is wonderful.  That being said though, if there is a season where you need to use something else because you are on bedrest or everything is literally falling apart and you are just hanging on by your fingernails, perhaps consider that you can come back to Waldorf in six months or so, and add in as many things as possible to include holistically educating your whole child in the meanwhile!

You too, decide this relationship: how much Waldorf?  A toe in, all in, up to your middle in the Waldorf Pool?  To me, if I have to teach, then I am going to teach this way because it makes the most sense to me.  Waldorf Education and parenting addresses the whole child throughout all the stages of development. 

People do many different things in conjunction with Waldorf, Waldorf homeschooling looks different in different  homes.  But, as Waldorf homeschoolers, we all share a respect for the protection that childhood deserves, a respect for educating holistically, a respect for teaching through art and movement and music, a respect for nature and our place here and in the Cosmos and a respect for the cycles of life in macro and microcosm. 

I love to read Waldorf blogs by homeschooling parents.  They really put the most beautiful things on their blogs, their lives look so beautiful (and please know most bloggers do put the most hopeful and wonderful things on their blogs!  These mothers are absolutely wonderful, but  really are not completely perfect, so please don’t compare and get depressed about it all!   That is easy to do!  And then you start thinking, wow, if I can’t bring my family THAT then I am not going to do it at all!)

If you are starting out,please  don’t think all that will happen when you have four kids under the age of 6!  It might, but if it doesn’t, that is okay. Your homeschool will look much more refined when your YOUNGEST is over 7 ( or when your older ones are really, really helpful with the little ones! LOL!)

The most important thing in homeschooling is the joy of the family, the development of the WHOLE three fold and fourfold person.  Being together, being outside, being warm with each other.    Your beautiful homeschool really is beautiful and may gain some additional structure as the years go by, but the basic joy of family living is always there.

Take  Joy in What You Have,  Baby Steps,

Carrie