Category Archives: Family Life

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma”–Chapter 8: “Mad Is Not Bad”

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“One of the most difficult things for a parent to do is to acknowledge a child’s intense expressions of anger – and to validate that anger as real.”

Have you ever struggled with that? Or with helping your child manage what behavior is acceptable when they are angry?

The authors validate in this chapter that as parents we can be very uncomfortable with anger as an emotion coming from our children.  And mothers in the audience, we can be even more uncomfortable at times because many women are peacemakers by nature and by conditioning.  The authors relate many stories within this chapter where parents recount how they were not allowed to express anger.

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Musings on 19 Years Of Marriage

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Happy Anniversary to my husband!

I cannot believe we are almost in “double decades” of our marriage; that used to seem like a number only old people could attain.  Yet, here we are.

It has been such a journey and such an adventure we have undertaken.  Who would have thought that any “ordinary life” could be anything but ordinary?  Every day is a walk along this road together with amazing vistas and spectacular sunsets.

One thing I know for sure is that our sense of humor and the way we are laid back about things has helped us smooth the roads we ventured forth on.  The way we have been able to put ourselves first as a couple together  but also have had respect for who we are as individuals has also been a cornerstone as we have grown together over the years has also made the journey light.

It is funny, endearing and yes, scary,  when we can have a conversation with no words but I know exactly what you are thinking or when we can pass a glance between us and  you know exactly what I am  thinking.  How did this happen that we know each other so well? 

Thank you for teaching me the  secrets to a happy marriage as we walk together:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/30/secrets-of-a-happy-marriage/

Most of all, thank you for journeying with me.  I love you!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Struggling At Bedtime

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I have gotten quite a few comments and emails from parents lately about bedtime being a struggle.  I wonder if this  is in part due to just the time of year it is now, being light later at night here in the Northern Hemisphere.

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“Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma”–Chapter 7: “An Unthinkable Rage”

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Was this chapter hard for anyone else to read?  Parts of it were so hard, to see the deep pain (I think the authors call it that at one point) of these mothers with their small children.

And didn’t this chapter just make you mad?

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Summer Stories and Summer Nature Table

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Sometimes it is hard to know what to do with summer and the small child under the age of 7:  is it better to keep the Circle Time/Story Time intact and going or to take a complete break?  Some mothers decide to stick to one or two seasonal songs and fingerplays and not do a full Circle Time, and to still tell a story a few days a week.  They leave the other days open for outings in berry pickings, lake swimming, creek exploring or beach fun.

There is one festival coming up to prepare for, and that is St. John’s Tide.  You can read more about  summer and  that particular festival here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/01/celebrating-summer-with-small-children-a-waldorf-perspective/  and here:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/09/midsummers-day-st-johns-tide-day/

To me, this is a very important festival.  It is the day in which the sunlight hours begin to actually decrease, and exactly a half year later we celebrate Christmas.  The book “Festivals With Children” by Brigitte Barz has many interesting suggestions regarding how to celebrate this special day and its significance.  She recommends a festival table set with a picture of St. John with a white lily to the left of the picture and a rose to the right of the picture to represent the beginning , the innocence of man versus the earth, the transformation of man into the future.

This book makes a beautiful comment about the Feast of St. John on page 74-75:

“John the Baptist was the one who prepared the way for Christ.  He serves this function still today…”The way in which the inner soul of man is to be prepared is indicated by Luke’s invocation of the prophet Isaiah:  Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.  Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be brought low, and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough ways shall be made smooth.” (Luke 3:4f)  Mountains and valleys are not only external objects of nature, they are also images of conditions within the soul.  We experience them in the life of feelings, as we swing between the heights of jubilant ecstasy to the depths of depression and despair.  The task of John is to hold the balance between these two extremes…..Of course, we cannot present the powerful words of John to children, at least not their content.  However, we can provide an image for them of the path of  inner development, in the form of the lily and the rose.”

Here are some suggestions for stories and songs.  Please add your favorites in the comment box!

Summer Stories:

  • For the five and a half and six year old:  “Goldener”  and “The Three Oranges” found in “Plays For Puppets” by Bronja Zahlingen.
  • “The Castle Under The Sea” for ages 6 and up – see Main Lesson
  • A simple “Midsummer’s Eve” story of half a page can be found in the Wynstones Summer book.  It may work for ages four and up depending upon your child.
  • “Holidays” – a story in the back of “All Year Round” for the pre-school child
  • Suzanne Down had a lovely story about a fish that was in a back issue of Living Crafts…Does anyone out there remember the exact title or issue?

Stories For the Feast of St. John:

  • The Six Swans by Brothers Grimm (ages 7 and up)
  • The Goose Girl by Brothers Grimm  (ages 7 and up)
  • Faithful John (ages 9 and up)
  • The Journey To The Sun, a Slovak folktale (ages 7 and up)

(These recommendations come from the book, “The Easter Story Book” by Ineke Verschuren)

  • St. John’s Gift in the Wynstones Summer book – ages six and half and up

Songs for Summer:

Song of the Midsummer Sun found in “All Year Round” – page 106

“Over In The Meadow”

Activities:

  • A St. John’s Tide walk
  • Inner work for the adult around raising our children with reverence and gratitude
  • Making Herbal bath bags, collecting and drying herbs
  • Making rose petal jam and rose petal sandwiches  – see “All Year Round”
  • Making a gold spiral or suns to hang up – see “All Year Round”

The Nature Table:

Beehive with bees and Summer Fairies for St. John’s Tide

For a more regular summer nature display, shells, a sand castle made from starch and wet sand, little boats of bark and twigs, little birds or swans with a pond are all suggested in the book, “The Nature Corner” on page 51, older edition.

Hope that helps you get planning.  For those of you wanting to read more, there is a little book entitled simply, “St John’s:  An Introductory Reader” by Rudolf Steiner where Matthew Barton has added commentary that may be valuable to you.  An important thing for Christians to do would be to attend church and celebrate this wonderful day!

Please take what resonates with you –

Many blessings,

Carrie

Toddler Nights

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Nights with a toddler can be challenging….Sometimes toddlers don’t fall asleep very easily or readily. Sometimes they fall asleep easily but then wake up frequently.  Sometimes they fall asleep easily but then wake up for a period of hours during the night and then go back to sleep.

The one thing you can count on in toddler nights is that it will change every night!

Many mothers ask about night weaning their toddlers, or how to get their toddlers to sleep longer. Here are some outside resources about toddler sleeping and toddler nights that you might find helpful for you and your family.  You are the expert on your family, so take what works for you and your situation:

These are some of the links I have found helpful over the years, and I hope you will enjoy them as well.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma”–End of Chapter 6

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The very last part of this chapter is entitled, “The “Special” Child Challenge”.  It opens with a scenario about a little boy called Eben who was born prematurely and as a result had faced a variety of physical problems that lasted into childhood and affected his ability to play and participate in everyday life.  His mother related how she tried so hard to hold it all together in front of him that she realized she never showed him some of her authentic emotions. 

Many of the long-time readers to this blog  know that I was born prematurely (and my husband was as well!), we also  have one daughter who was born prematurely and my work as a neonatal physical therapist involved feeding and development for infants in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  Children who are facing special challenges, whether these be physical or emotional or spiritual (and how can we tease every thing out so separately!  It is all part of the holistic human being!) are very close to my heart.

This chapter points out “many parents [of children with challenges] admit that the deeply felt emotions of rage, unfairness, and resentment never completely go away.  Even the strongest parents could find their anger triggered anew by a reminder that their disabled child would never experience – or share with them-the normal daily pleasures.”

The authors go on to point out that the anger some parents experienced lessened once they could let go of the “why” and the need to find answers and move more into acceptance and the realization that this challenge, whilst sad and upsetting at times, it is only a small part of the essence of the child.   The  child is bigger than “only” the disability or challenge.

I have known many parents and families whose children have had challenges that have been walking a long road in helping to heal their children.   I wondered how you felt about anger, special challenges, and what helps.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma”–Chapter Six: “High Hopes And Shattered Expectations” Part One

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I loved this chapter because I felt like it really got to the crux of so many parenting issues and challenges, and maybe even hits on some of the reasons parents get angry when they don’t know why they even feel angry.

The chapter opens with a picture of a two little boys.  One, an eight-year-old, wants to play instead of practicing the piano where the mother recognized how pleased she would be to sit in the audience and hear her son play beautifully.  The other scenario was of a little five year old in kindergarten who was having a harder time separating from his mother than the other children in the class.

“It’s so easy for us to get stuck in false ideals for our children, ideals based on what we’ve heard from others or the way we’ve seen others behave.  We’re embarrassed if our children don’t seem to be doing as well as we imagine other children are doing.”

The authors go on to say, “Often children need special help when they don’t easily adjust to their environment.  But what constitutes real help?  Sometimes when we think we are helping them, we are inadvertently communicating to them that they have let us down by not accomplishing what we think they should.  This message can damage a child’s self-esteem. Dorothy Corkill Briggs, a noted expert on the subject of self-esteem in children, writes in Experts Advise Parents, “If a child believes he is unlovable or lovable only on condition, he may develop all kinds of competence.  However, these skills are hollow victories.  No amount of competence ever substitutes for lovability…Each child needs to be cherished for his sheer existence.”  So the question becomes:  How can we learn to set aside our disappointment and relate to our children as unique individuals with special needs of their own?”

I found these pages really interesting.  I think there often can be a finer line than parents want to admit in meeting a child where they are and lifting that child up to where they need to go in terms of behavior.  I have seen parebts who have done a great job in connecting with that child and fostering love, but had such a hard time in expecting any right action from that child.

In terms of activities outside the home, I am sure we have all seen the split between parents who enrolled their children in all kinds of things at fairly early ages but also the parents who seemed to not want to let their children  spread their wings with activities or within the community at all.

I guess I found it interesting that the authors’ mixed parental anger regarding activities and how children manage (or not) parental expectations and the requirements for that activity (and whether this is intrinsic to the child or parent-pushed) and parental anger regarding behavior and developmental differences.  I think if I was the editor of this chapter I would have insisted these issues be addressed separately.  They seem like two very different things!

However, upon reading the next section of the chapter entitled, “Wanting The Best”, it struck me that the common ground between these two areas is that how parents do want the best for their children, and how do we as parents react when we feel disappointed in our children’s behavior, abilities, actions.  Do we meet it with anger or do we meet it with love?  Do we meet it with a sideways sort of plan to help lift the child up if this is needed, or do we lecture?  How can we be allies and the authority in our homes?

I would love to hear your experiences and also thoughts on this chapter if you are reading along…In the next post, we will skip ahead in this chapter to address the section entitled, “The “Special” Child Challenge”.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma” -Chapter Five: “Going It Alone”

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Calling all my single parents!  I would love to hear from you and if you thought this chapter was right on or not. I do find it interesting that the authors also did not make notes about mothers who are single because they never married or mothers who are single due to death of a spouse or partner.  Also, even if you are not single I thought there were quite a few nuggets to be gleamed for all families in this chapter, so read on!

First, the authors open this chapter with the talks they held with a group of single mothers and she notes, “All of the women were the primary caretakers for their children.  Even in-joint custody arrangements, the women reported that they still performed all the essential functions of shopping for clothes, arranging doctor appointments, getting children haircuts, and the like.  When emergency calls were made from school, it was almost never the father who left work to pick up the child.  The joint custody was not entirely “joint” and certainly not equal.”

This chapter has sections on Shattered Ideals,  The Guilty Party, Everyday Conflicts, The Lonely Parent, and Making Peace as a Family.

I think one section that could be beneficial to all families is the section on “The Lonely Parent.”  I liked the mother who said on page 117, “As one mother reflected, “The hardest thing is letting go, especially since I sometimes feel lonely. I want us to share more.  But I believe that children retreat from “needy” parents.  If we are personally fulfilled, they pick up on that and are more willing to be open with us….”  The authors go on to talk about how it is not that children are incapable of “empathy, love, or generous gestures – just that their egocentricity is a basic reality.”  In the view of Waldorf Education, a child is not  considered full grown until age 21, and I think the authors have noted well that whilst children have capacity for all sorts of things, we should not expect them to rise up and  be adults because these children are not.

I also liked this on page 117:  “I have heard parenting described as a “thankless” task, and often it seems that way.  Many a parent has complained that their children do not seem to understand or appreciate all the time and effort that goes into making their lives better.  So much energy and emotion is invested in trying to fill our children’s needs and make them happy that sometimes we grow furious when children seem lacking in gratitude.”

There were also good nuggets for all parents to think about in the last section of this chapter.  What did you all think about it?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Some Ideas Regarding Sibling Relationships

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I had such a lovely response from all of you mothers from this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/05/07/quick-responses-to-sibling-rivalry-new-baby-in-the-house-and-more/, which was generated by Chapter Four “Kids Versus Kids” in our chapter by chapter look at the book, “Love And Anger:  The Parental Dilemma”.

I have talked to many mothers locally and on-line regarding sibling relationships.  It is all well and good to know that siblings fight, many mothers say, but what do you do when the behaviors children display between one another are literally tearing the family fabric apart or worse yet, driving a wedge between spouses or partners?

These are my personal ideas; I guess I view things differently than many of the parenting books.  These ideas may or absolutely may not work in your family and they may not resonate with you in the least possible way.  Every child, every sibling relationship and every family is different.  I will some words about the blended family in just a moment, so if you are in that situation, then please bear with me.

To me, name-calling, teasing, fighting, and those kinds of behaviors all have pretty strong limits in my home because I find it hard to function in  an environment that is not kind.  It frustrates me pretty quickly, and so for me, I had to set boundaries on it.  I expect my children to treat each other kindly and if they don’t rise up to the occasion, I expect them to rectify the situation.  I have hammered into their heads (not Waldorf at all by a longshot! LOL) that friends will come and go, but siblings are forever and whilst it is the job of a mother and father as parents to take care of all of their children, siblings also take care of each other because that is what families do.  I also expect the children that are older to have tolerance and treat the younger children kindly and protectively, especially if that younger child is under the age of 7.  However, I also expect the younger children to be able to respect the boundaries an older child may need on spending time alone or with friends his or her own age.

My main response to situations  where feelings are hurt, names are said, physical things is simple redirection, work and reminders and looking carefully at over-stimulation, hunger, sleep, or if the child really needs to get some physical energy out. 

But, if these behaviors persist, my thoughts (and again, these absolutely may not work for your family so take what resonates with you!)  go in this pattern (and this would work more for situations where one child is over 7 and the other siblings are smaller, or perhaps situations where one is a teen and the others are smaller):

1.  The children must need more structure and work on my part.  Busy children are too busy to fight out of boredom and such (obviously this does NOT apply well to a three year old and a baby or a five year old and a toddler!). 

2.  If you are ugly in the house, we cannot take that outside the home, so any playdate or fun thing for the afternoon is gone.  We can’t take that ugly out into the world with our friends!

3.  Or I may be thinking they have not acted in a way where I want to go with other children in the afternoon, but maybe they need to come with me and go hiking or go sit by  stream and just be.  Sometimes that can soothe the hardest of days.

4.  I think about who may need one on one time with either me or my husband, and I also think about if they need something separate for themselves. I have really seen my nine year old spend time with a special close friend just themselves, no younger siblings about, and be really just so satisfied to be able to play an uninterrupted game on their level.  I can’t always make it happen frequently, but I do try when I see the need for that!

5.   If you have children nine and above along with children smaller than age 9, one thing I have seen other families use is to set up social times where both children have a playmate to play with.  ie, the nine year old of the house would have a nine year old over to play, and the six year old of the house would have a six year old to play.  I think this can also work well with smaller siblings when you have teens in the house and the smaller siblings are just hanging around with nothing to do and wanting to be with the teen.  There needs to be time together as a FAMILY, but it is also important, especially I think if you have a smaller family of only two or three children all spaced out, for children over the age of 9 to have time with peers of the same age without younger siblings.  It can also be fun if you have a bigger family to mainly have social time with other bigger families where everyone can be together or pair off…This is one of those areas I think you will find your own way based on your own family.  But I do caution against expecting your teenager to want to include your five year old, and that if your five-year-old is the only other child in the house, then you may need to have a project for that five-year-old and take charge of that time so things go smoothly.

6. Restitution.  If you hit each other, then your hands will work for each other. If you are four and you hit the baby, I will redirect those hands into work but also into doing something positive with your hands for the baby.  And then I will do my part to make sure the baby is in a sling or something so you don’t have to control yourself all day long, but only in bits and pieces.  If you are over 7 and using your mouth to tease your younger siblings, you must need to do something for that sibling to show love because in this family we love each other.

7.  So more DOING, less WORDS.  What I just outlined is my thought process, not necessarily what I would say to my children.

A special note for my blended families:   I think it all starts with you and your partner.  You must talk about these issues ahead of time and have agreed-upon ways to handle things.  You must get very, very clear TOGETHER what behaviors you both accept and what you will not. I have some blended families really benefit from counseling to go through this process, because otherwise they can get in a situation where they are just going around and around about his child and her child and not much action is getting accomplished.  In the end, it is about creating a NEW family.  Attachment Parenting International recommends Imago therapists:  http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/  I would love my blended families to chime in here!  I think having a blended family requires the parents to really be a united front, to really think things through, to work with compromise as well.  What has been your experience?

Lastly, I found this decent handout regarding sibling conflict from University of Iowa, and I think it brings up good points about siblings in general, although the wordiness of the techniques I would not use with children under the age of 7.  It also brings up things about sibling abuse, which is something no one seems to talk about: 

http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1651.pdf

Many blessings, hope that helps and again, take what resonates with you and your family.

Carrie