Category Archives: Development

The Seven and Eight- Year -Old: Still A Need for Protection

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The pink bubble of the Waldorf kindergarten does not last forever, that is true.  However, this does not mean that the world is so quickly expanded for the seven and eight-year old that suddenly they become miniature teenagers.   This is not what a seven or eight-year old needs, although this is the tact our society often takes.  I was pleasantly surprised to speak with a friend the other day whose second-grade daughter is doing no extracurricular activities outside of attending public school.  This, however, is the only person I have talked with where this is happening.  Around my part of town, for example, many of the first and second graders I see are on the go from early morning – up at 6 AM to catch a bus and go to school, to attending school all day, to aftercare or sports (do you all honestly remember playing competitive sports in first and second grade?  Do you?  I don’t), out to dinner with parents (at least they are all eating dinner together!), off for homework and off to bed around 9 – to start all over the next day.

I respectfully must say that this is far too much for a seven or eight-year-old.  I think there is a direct relationship between the rates of ADHD/ADD, ritalin use, behavioral problems and the fact that we are asking these small children to “put in a full day”, just like a grown-up.

I think as Waldorf homeschoolers, we have a unique opportunity to treat our seven and eight –year -olds the way they should be treated – with imagination, with creativity, with watching their skills and development unfold, providing plenty of opportunities for sensory experiences and outside play, for provoking academic work through art and music.

We also have a chance to establish strong routines and rhythms in our homes with periods of in-breath and out-breath.  We can establish a bedtime routine of 7:30 for a first grader, and 7:45 for a second grader or earlier, as suggested by this Waldorf school:  http://www.stpaulssteinerschool.org/home_rhythms.html

We have an opportunity to provide healthy food, regular snack and meal times in an unhurried setting (which is often not the case in public school where lunch may start at 10:30 AM with 20 minutes to eat).

We have the chance to bring spirituality into our curriculum and homes.  We can foster gratitude, beauty, respect, reverence and responsibility in our children through stories, example and modeling as opposed to just slogans fostered in character development campaigns.

Most of all, we still can have the influence to slow them down.  The Gesell Institute mentions in the book, “Your Seven-Year-Old” that one of the main hallmarks of a seven-year-old is the fact that the child wants to do everything, but is prone to fatigue.  In our society we often take what our seven or eight year old “wants to do” and run with that  to the point these children are so involved they are worn out, irritable and exhausted.  Their small lives, instead of being full of imagination and wonder, are full of factoids for tests, long days and to-do lists that only adults should have.

The seven and eight-year olds in our society are vulnerable. Let’s protect them a bit longer, until the true skill of reasoning and logical thinking starts to be born, until the true signs of needing separation from the adults in their lives happens.  Let’s protect them now so they can flourish later.

Thanks,

Carrie

The Mini-Rant: Discussing Food with Children Under the Age of 7

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Okay, here goes the inflammatory rant of the day:  Stop talking to your children under the age of 7 about food!  Yes, we all want our children to eat healthy food, and to understand food choices as they grow and mature.  But here is the rub:  YOU are the one buying the food, you are most likely the one deciding the meals and what part of the meal prep your child is participating in, and the food is YOUR responsibility.

Here is what set off my rant here:  Many Waldorf homeschoolers seem to be either vehement raw foodists or really into Nourishing Traditions and I personally am tired of hearing about the health benefits of either dietary choice coming from the mouths of their children.  Does a six year old honestly need to know at this point the difference between raw and pasteurized milk?  Does a five year old need to know about food combining?  Yes, I think as they grow, children need to know these things and have more responsibility for food choices – but do they really need to know all this now?

I think it is Barbara Patterson who wrote in “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge” the story about being a Waldorf Kindergarten teacher and how one child sits down to lunch and says, “My mothers says milk makes me big and strong with health bones!” and another child sits down to lunch and says, “Well, MY mom says milk makes people stuffy and congested!” and then both children turn to the teacher and say, “Well, which one of our families is right?”  The teacher wisely says, “Well, they are both right.” (and thank goodness both children are satisfied with this in this story!).

So what can you say about food?  How about the very simple, “This is what we eat in our house.” I have one friend who said her under 7 child is walking around all day asking, “Is this healthy for me to eat?  Is this healthy for me to eat?”  despite the fact they really are trying to downplay the whole food issue/choice end of it.   I told her I think I would just shut it down by saying, “Anything in our house is fine for you to eat.” 

Please stop talking to children about making “better” food choices, this so throws them into their heads – YOU are making the choices, or giving them the alternatives of two choices that are acceptable to you.  And there is nothing worse than a five-year old telling seventy-year-old  Uncle Joe that what he is eating is bad for him and what he could be eating that is better!  What I think is appropriate here is just to say, “Uncle Joe eats “X” and you may have this.”  No guilt trip about what Uncle Joe is eating, and no increased explaining to your child about food choices.  Believe it or not, your child will pick up your food values by what you serve, how you prepare it, what alternatives you do offer to foods you don’t want your child to eat.  Don’t be all defensive about someone else’s food choices in an effort to justify your own – be happy with your food choices and model them happily!  That will be so much more effective to an under-7 child than all the verbage in the world about better choices, healthy choices, red light and green light foods, organic versus not organic, fresh-squeezed versus not, grass fed meat versus not!   Please!!

I just returned from a little island where nearly all the food people eat is imported.  There was very little organic anything.   Prices were very high, and if  the boat only came in with a certain amount of something, they may have sold out quickly and then you may  not be able to get what you were looking for for another two months until another boat came in.  It really made me think that here in the mainland of America, the land of good and plenty, how truly spoiled we are.  Most people around the world eat what they can get and have a good time anyway! (Okay, granted they don’t eat to excess the way Americans do, but still YOU are the model in your home!)  Around the world, the meal is not just about what is good for their bodies and what tastes good, but about warmth of family and extended family and friends, about lingering and laughing and enjoying children.  I would love to see some of us turn our obsession toward that instead of some of the other things we tell our children about food.

If your child has massive food allergies, then probably food discussion will have to entail that earlier than age 7 for safety reasons.  My oldest knows what her food allergies are, and she knew from a pretty young age, and we checked things out together.  That may be a necessity with deadly food allergies.  But, I didn’t tell her dairy, soy, peanuts or tree nuts were horrible for all of mankind either!  “Those things make you not feel well, but you can eat this.” was essentially what I said. 

As children grow, of course we can talk more about food choices, better food choices, the merits of our chosen diet…..but let’s not let food become a polarizing issue between our children!  When we talk about diet, let’s also talk about what different cultures eat, what people eat around the world.  Let’s talk about how in many places generations of  family sit down to eat and laugh and talk.

I have one dear friend who has lived in the United States, France, Saudi Arabia, China, Japan and visited a myriad of places around the world.  You can bet he didn’t always get organic food, you can bet typical breakfast foods were different in each culture…..but, he always exercised, he didn’t typically overeat, and he always had lots of friends and family to share meals.  He probably will live forever!

Let’s use food to bring us all together, not drive us all apart.

Okay, now you all can throw tomatoes at my head……….:)

Carrie

Your Super Seven-Year- Old: Traditional and Anthroposophical Viewpoints, Part One

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We spent four posts looking at the six-year old, the six/seven year old transformation and the “how’s” of doing Waldorf Kindergarten, specifically the six-year old year, at home. If you missed those posts, here is your chance to go back and read them here:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/23/the-six-year-old-waldorf-kindergarten-year-at-home/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/20/the-six-year-old-an-anthroposophical-view/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/18/the-snazzy-six-year-old/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/23/peaceful-living-with-the-six-year-old/

There is also this one about understanding the six/seven year transformation:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/15/understanding-the-sixseven-year-old-transformation/

Those may be of help to you and put in in the right framework to study more specifically about the seven-year old.

The Gesell Institute’s fabulous book, “Your Seven-Year- Old” brings some of the characteristics regarding the seven-year old to light:

  • In general, this is an age of inwardness and withdrawing.  However, the seven-year-old doesn’t know where to stop with that and seems to often appear so silent and withdrawn that “ it seems that he might be more comfortable and content if there were actually no other people in the world.”
  • People do not behave in a way that pleases a child of this age.  The child thinks people are mean, picking on him or her, unforgiving, unfair, hateful.  The child also thinks people do not like them.
  • The child of this age is an intense worrier – more worries and fears than any other age.
  • Moody, morose and melancholy are other adjectives the Gesell Institute uses to describe this age.
  • The Seven-Year-Old feels strongly that parents like the other children in the family better than him. 
  • It is an age of easy crying, easy disappointment. 
  • He lives in a world of thought where he likes to think things through, and he takes in everything around him and reflects on it although he may not talk about it to you!
  • There is a new sense of independence, but also a sense of not being especially adventurous.
  • Seven is not known as an age for humor per the Gesell Institute (although I personally think that this may depend on the temperament of your child!)
  • Less selfish than at six, but very self-absorbed.
  • Time alone with special pursuits is prized, as is a room of their own to “retreat and protect their things.”
  • Has high standards, high ideals, wants to do everything right.  Some teachers call this the “eraser age” as they erase so much, are anxious, want to do everything right.
  • Increasing control of the body, the temper, the voice, the striking out of six
  • An age where the child can fatigue quickly and may need help in protecting themselves from their own demands.
  • Gets along well  with mother at this age, less demanding of their mothers, although there can be arguing with mother and the child can engage in a real battle of wills.  The child cares what the mother thinks of him or her.
  • Fathers are needed.  Girls are very sensitive to reprimands by their father, and may be jealous of the attention their father gives to their mother.  Boys enjoy their fathers and time alone with him is greatly treasured.  Both genders will seek out their fathers for information on things outside of the home.
  • Seven fights less than age six with siblings.  They are at their best with babies age 2 and under.  The most enthusiasm is for a baby not yet born!  Seven also is good with siblings much older than they are.  With siblings close to the same age, the argument is that things are not fair.
  • With friends, less fighting and squabbling although play is still not completely harmonious.  The good news is that Seven is starting to be aware of his friends’ reactions to things.  Group play can still end with destruction of materials or fighting – this age needs adult supervision.

OTHER AREAS: 

  • Eating:  May leave the table frequently if distracted by something, but better able to sit still and eat. 
  • Sleeping: Most seven-year olds are headed to bed around 7:30 and can often get ready for bed by themselves
  • Health: Tend to be healthier than at six.  Fewer colds usually.
  • Increased understanding of sense of time – clock time, months, season, birthdate,
  • Academic work:  It is important to keep in mind that  a seven-year old is easily fatigued and must be protected from so many demands.  Reading may be coming along at this stage, spelling is usually not great, a seven year old is typically not ready for cursive, far fewer number reversals,  requires the teacher to be close.

In Part Two of this post, we will look further at the anthroposophical point of view of the seven-year-old.

“Breastfeeding the Right-Brained Way”

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This is a great article circulating some of the breastfeeding forums I am on, and I wanted to share it with you.  Many thanks to my friend Anna for sharing it with me!

 

Breastfeeding the Right-Brained Way
By Kathleen Kendall-Tackett (PhD, IBCLC) & Nancy Mohrbacher (IBCLC),
co-authors of Breastfeeding Made Simple

In modern Western cultures, mothers have more information about
breastfeeding than any time in human history. Unfortunately, most of this is
information for the left side of the brain, which is fine for lots of tasks.
But too much left-brained information can make you anxious about
breastfeeding.

 

 

Breastfeeding is a right-brained activity. What do we mean by that? Think of
left-brained instructions as head knowledge. Right-brained learning yields
heart or body knowledge. To illustrate the difference, think about riding a
bike. Did you learn by reading about it? Talking a class? Talking to other
people about it? Or did you learn by just getting on a bike and doing it?

The Right-Brained Dance of Breastfeeding
Mothers and babies have physiological responses that draw them to each
other, that encourage them to look at each other, touch each other, and
interact. Much of this behavior is guided by the right side of the brain.
This is the side that has to do with affect or emotion.

A problem with the heavily left-brained, instructionally-oriented way that
many mothers learn to breastfeed is that it doesn’t allow mother and baby to
take advantage of their natural responses. So much breastfeeding education
focuses on all the things mother must to do get the baby to breastfeed,
which ignores the baby’s role. That type of instruction can be helpful to
solve a particular problem, but it can be a definite drawback when one
technique or strategy is applied to all mothers. It also discourages mothers
and babies from using their hardwiring.

Worse still, this kind of education can encourage them to tune out their
natural responses or to violate their instincts. It can be upsetting for all
who are involved, sometimes creating a crisis where none existed before.
Another problem with highly instructionalized left-brained approaches is
that they can leave some mothers feeling incompetent because it feels as if
there are 10,000 things they need to remember.

A different way to think about this is to consider how mothers throughout
human history managed to breastfeed without all of the information we have
now. When breastfeeding was the norm, girls learned about breastfeeding as
they were growing up by seeing women actually doing it. Dr. Peter Hartmann,
a well-known breastfeeding researcher, makes this point well. He asked a
young Australian Aboriginal mothers, “When did you learn about
breastfeeding?” She answered, “I have always known how to breastfeed.”

How exactly do you use a right-brained approach to breastfeed your baby?
First, take some deep breaths and let go of those worries about doing things
“wrong.” Instead of thinking of breastfeeding as a skill you need to master,
or a measure of your worth as a mother, think about breastfeeding as
primarily a relationship. As you spend time with your baby, you’ll be more
adept at reading her cues. As you hold her, your baby will be more
comfortable seeking your breast. Breastfeeding will flow naturally out of
your affectionate relationship.

Based on her extensive clinical experience with mothers and babies,
pediatrician and board-certified lactation consultant Dr. Christina Smillie
has developed some strategies that can help you help your baby. Here are
some specific things you can do:
* Start with a calm, alert baby– One mistake that many women make is to wait to try breastfeeding until their babies are either sound asleep or
screaming. Think about yourself. Do you learn best when you are asleep or
upset? Probably not. The other reason to start with a calm baby has to do
with physics. When a baby is screaming, her tongue is on the roof of her
mouth. You will never get your breast in her mouth when her tongue is like
that.
* Watch for early feeding cues– These cues include turning her head when
someone touches her cheek and hand-to-mouth. Take note of when she starts
smacking her lips or putting her hands to her mouth. This is an ideal time
to try breastfeeding.
* Use your body to calm your baby– One way to calm a crying baby is by
placing your baby skin to skin vertically between your breasts. Your chest
is a very calming place for your baby. Try talking and making eye contact.
All of these activities can get her to calm down, allowing your baby to seek
the breast on her own.
* Follow your baby’s lead– When a calm, alert baby is held vertically
between her mother’s breasts, often she will begin showing instinctive
breast-seeking behaviors, bobbing her head and moving it from side to side.
Once your baby starts these behaviors, help her in her efforts. Following
your baby’s lead, support her head and shoulders. Move her rump toward your
opposite breast. Encourage her explorations with your voice.
* Play while you learn to breastfeed– Play is something that is largely
absent from the mothers we see. It all seems so serious and they are
terrified of doing something wrong. If you are feeling frustrated, we’d like
to encourage you to look at this another way. Focus on your relationship
with your baby and consider breastfeeding as a part of the larger whole.
Breastfeeding will flow naturally out of your affectionate relationship.
In summary, if your baby is healthy, she is wired to know how to breastfeed.
It all doesn’t depend on you getting everything right. Relax and just focus
on getting to know your baby. The rest will follow.

Breastfeeding Made Simple is an awesome book, and I encourage you to search out the other books written by these two women.  Kathleen Kendall-Tackett in particular has done a lot of work with postpartum depression, depression and other less than positive feelings dealing with motherhood.  The works of these two wise women are well worth checking out!

Thanks,

Carrie

Starting Solids With Your Infant and Picky Toddler Eating

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This post is for all mothers who wonder about infant and toddler feeding and what is “normal”.  Remember, human milk is the primary source of your infant’s nutrition throughout the first year and solids is mainly a sensory (read teaspoons to tablespoons) kind of experience.  In our society we act as if infants should be putting away jars upon jars of baby food a day!  This is not how the human digestive system was designed!

Early Solids WILL NOT help your baby sleep through the night, make your baby less fussy, make your baby grow up later or develop earlier or provide better nutrition than breast milk!

Normal Course of Appetite (Ames) up to age 6:

  • Usually infant doubles birth weight by the time they start solids
  • Usually the birth weight is tripled by the end of the first year
  • Cup feeding may be started in middle of first year
  • At 12 to 15 months, the gross motor drive is strong – may be difficult to sit and eat a meal, may want to stand in highchair if family using one
  • After 12 months, toddler may go through phase of not being interested in cup
  • 15 to 18 months toddler very interested in self-feeding
  • May throw food
  • 21 month old may have definite preferences, such as a certain bib, a certain spoon, a certain dish – but may not have the words to express it! Easily distractible
  • 24 months – preferences are high, may be related to taste, form, consistency, color – Think small helpings, teaspoon sized! Ritual demand of eating the same things reaches its height at 2 ½. Food jags prevalent.
  • 3 years old – Eating better, appetite fluctuates less, the child has become a good chewer . On the downside, may dawdle if eats with whole family.
  • May prefer raw vegetables, desserts, may accept green vegetables.
  • 4 years old – Chief problems are talks too much, usually has to interrupt meal to go to bathroom, has much trouble sitting still
  • 4 ½ to 5 – A distinct rise in appetite, can listen as well as talk at the dinner table, may use a knife for spreading but not for cutting
  • 6 years – Perpetual activity! Cannot sit still, wiggles in chair, eats with finger, talks with mouth full, cannot finish meal. Preferences and refusals very strong.

Signs of Developmental Readiness to Start Solids as per La Leche League:

  • Usually middle of first year
  • Your baby has at least doubled his/her birth weight or weighs at least 14 pounds
  • Your baby can sit up with support
  • Your baby has control of his/her head and neck
  • Your baby has the ability to transfer food from the front of the mouth to the back of the mouth (tongue-thrust reflex has disappeared)
  • Your baby may have a tooth or two
  • Your baby is capable of refusing food
  • Your baby likes to imitate people and showing distinct interest in food, not just the silverware
  • Your baby can reach and handle food, toys, objects
  • Your baby has increased saliva production necessary for digestion
  • Your baby is not ill and has no rashes

WHAT FIRST FOODS  SHOULD I FEED MY INFANT?

  • Different cultures start with different first foods – you may want to think specifically about foods that provide decent mineral quality for supplemental foods.
  • La Leche League typically says to start with banana, pears, applesauce (make your own), cooked carrots, sweet potatoes and winter squash, avocados.  Some cultures start with meat as a first food!
  • Use your own clean finger as the first spoon
  • Offer new foods in the morning  in case of allergic reaction

 

One book you may consider on this topic is the classic “Feeding the Whole Family:  Recipes for Babies, Young Children, and Their Parents” by Cynthia Lair.  It takes recipes the whole family can eat, and suggests how to take all or parts of the recipe to make food your infant can eat as well.  All recipes are centered on fresh, whole foods ingredients.

Top Asked Questions Regarding Sources of:

Iron (per Dr. Sears Family Nutrition Book)

Beef (4 ounces) 3.5 mg

Ground beef (4 ounces) 2.5 mg

Lamb (4 ounces) 2.5 mg

Turkey, dark meat (4 ounces) 2.5 mg

Beans (1/2 cup) 2.0 mg

Chickpeas

Best Plant Food Sources of Iron (per Dr. Sears Family Nutrition Book):

Tofu (1/3 cup) – 7 mg

Iron-fortified cereals (1 ounce) 4-8 mg

Cream of Wheat (1/2 cup cooked) – 5 mg

Lentils (1/2 cup cooked) – 3 mg

Prune Juice (8 oz) – 3 mg

Dried Peaches – 3.1 mg for 6 halves

Pumpkin Seeds, 1 ounce – 4.0 mg

Signs of Anemia (Iron-Deficiency Anemia): paleness, weakness, fatigue, shortness of breath, irritability, difficulty concentrating, increased susceptibility to infection, intolerance of cold temperatures, constipation, brittle nails

Zinc (per Dr. Sears Family Nutrition Book)

Top Zinc Veggies:

Tofu (1/2 cup) – 2.00 mg

Artichoke – 1.47 mg

Chickpeas (1/2 cup canned) – 1.25 mg

Beans (kidney, lima, ½ cup) -0.75 mg

Dr. Sears writes in his book that many children with ADHD have lower levels of zinc and essential fatty acids; this may be worth looking into if your child has that challenge! 

Tips for Picky Toddler Eaters

DO NOT USE FOOD AS A BRIBE TO EAT OTHER FOODS OR AS A REWARD OR PUNISHMENT.

Serve food attractively, give small helpings, serve food without comment, do not stress amount of food to be eaten, be aware some food refusals may indicate an allergic reaction to that food, try to maintain a calm and unworried attitude toward your child’s eating, do not stress table manners with young children, allow finger-feeding until child has become proficient at eating and is interested in food.

Try:

1. Offer a nibble tray – put out a muffin tin and put a little food in each tray (apple moons, avocado boats, banana, broccoli trees, carrots, cheese cubes, hard boiled egg, little o shaped cereal)

2. Offer dip – made from cottage cheese, tofu, yogurt

3. Try smoothies

4. Serve it attractively

5. Respect that a child’s stomach is about the size of their fist

6. Let the kids eat at a child sized table where their feet can touch the ground

7. Let the kids cook or help prepare food

Food Allergies per La Leche League:

Top foods to cause allergic reactions: beans, berries, cabbage, chocolate, cinnamon, citrus fruits and juices, coconut, corn, cow’s milk, eggs, nuts (especially peanuts – and peanut allergy is a type of allergy that children do NOT outgrow as they age), onions, pork, shellfish, tomatoes, wheat.

Typically tolerated foods include:

Fruit – apples, apricots, bananas, peaches, pears, plums

Vegetable – asparagus, beets, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes

Rice and grains such as oats, barley, millet

Common Signs of Food Allergies: (Dr. Sears)

Skin – Hives, Red Sandpaper-Like Facial Rash, Dry/Itchy/Scaly Skin on face, Swelling in Hands and Feet, Puffy Eyelids, Dark Circles Under Eyes, Lip Swelling, Tongue Soreness and Cracks

Respiratory – Sneezing, Runny Nose, Stuffy Nose, Wheezing, Watery Eyes, Rattling Chest, Persistent Cough, Congestion, Bronchitis, Recurring Ear Infections

Intestines– Burnlike Rash Around Anus, Abdominal Discomfort, Mucusy Diarrhea, Constipation, Intestinal Bleeding, Poor Weight Gain, Bloating/Gassiness, Excessive Spitting Up, Vomiting

Behavior – Fatigue, Migraine Headaches, Hyperactivity, Crying, Irritability, Night Waking, Anxiety, Crankiness, Sore Muscles and Joints

The scoop on juice: (La Leche League)

For ages six to twelve months, no more than four ounces of juice a day (That’s half a cup!)

For toddlers and preschoolers, no more than six ounces a day (3/4 of a cup)

For school age children, no more than eight ounces (1 cup of juice a day)

Water, water, water!

Please do see the post on this blog regarding WHY fresh juice made by YOU is much better than the pasteurized stuff from the store!!  Here is the link:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/18/give-us-our-daily-juice/

You may also be interested in this post regarding Steiner’s grain of the day from a Waldorf perspective: 

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/23/steiners-grain-of-the-day/

A neat solution for grain rotation for the health of your family should you choose to eat grains!  According to Dr. Sears, the grains highest in iron are quinoa, amaranth, oats, enriched rice, millet and barley.  The grains highest in zinc per Dr. Sears are wild rice, rye, amaranth, oats and quinoa.  Tops for folic acid are millet, wild rice, rye, amaranth and oats.

Happy infant and toddler feeding,

Carrie

More About Melisa Nielsen’s Workshop

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Some more interesting points from Melisa’s workshop that  I attended over the weekend that I am still digesting:

She talked at length about getting comfortable with the idea of Spirit/Source/God as a foundation of your Waldorf homeschooling experience and what that might look like in your home and family life (Please see the post entitled “Refreshed and Renewed” for more details about that!)

She talked at length about reading Steiner for yourself and/or listening to the audio archives of Steiner’s available on the Web as the second part of your foundation for Waldorf homeschooling.

She talked at length about taking care of yourself, your family, self-care for the homeschooling mother, the role of the father, finding alone time, how to handle chores for children of different ages, allowances, feeding the whole family.  How to get all this done so you have time to homeschool, LOL!

Melisa talked about the question of is it possible to combine Waldorf homeschooling with Unschooling or with Classical approaches.

She talked about the differences between providing a Waldorf education at home based upon Steiner’s indications versus attendance at a Waldorf school.

There was so much more that was so interesting, but it might be thought-provoking for you, dear Reader, to look at some of those topics above and think about how you feel about those things, how those things look in your family.

If you have comments, please do leave them in the comment section.  I would love to hear what you  have to say!

In Peace,

Carrie

Peaceful Living with the Six-Year-Old

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Now that we have peeked at the traditional childhood development of the six-year-old and the anthroposophical view of the six-year-old, it is time to get down to the nitty gritty of peaceful living with the six-year-old.

The first we need to do is establish a framework in which to work.  If you have not read these posts in the past, please do so now and then come back to this post:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/top-10-must-have-tools-for-gentle-discipline/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/05/thoughts-on-challenging-developmental-stages/

There is also a  post on “Anger in Parenting” if you have not read that one.

So now that you are being held within the framework of being an Authentic Leader within your own home, now you are ready to tackle some of the methods for peaceful living with your six-year-old.

Here is a great quote from the article “Meetings with Parents On the Topic of Discipline” from the book “You’re Not the Boss of Me!  Understanding the Six/Seven-Year-Old Transformation” to start us off:

The young child instinctively expects guidance and when it is not forthcoming, the child tends to feel  insecure and frightened.  Growing up without guidance, without boundaries, often translates into being left alone to flounder in a world that the child is not experienced enough to understand.  Constantly being consulted by adults about what the child  wants is not only bewildering, but can create an egoist, unprepared for the world awaiting him or her.  Many parents believe that choices strengthen their child, but, on the contrary, too many choices can undermine a child.

  • So, my first thought for you is to develop your own internal framework for handling Authentic Leadership.  This takes inner work, inner thought and talk with your spouse or partner.  You must also take care of yourself- if you are angry, resentful, not getting enough sleep, eating poorly,  frustrated—all of these things affect your relationship with your child and how well you set the tone in your home for your child.
  • For your six-year-old, you must be the wall  off which your child can bounce.  (In a nice, quiet and calm way, not a mean or authoritarian scary kind of way!)  Six-year-olds will test the boundaries of what is expected and allowed.  You must show them that you are dependable and they can lean on you as they need to as they sort things in life out.  If you crumple and fall, this shows them that you do not hold the authority and answers for life that they desperately are searching for at this point.  Be the calm wall. Choose how you will respond to your child.
  • Six-year-olds are DOERS.  They are not deep thinkers.  They do not need a lot of words.  With something you need done, it helps to walk them physically through what you need with movement and imagination.  Get the child moving before you speak, writes Nancy Blanning, a well-known Waldorf teacher.
  • Remember, a six-year-old can also have direct words to help them – but very short, to the point and POSITIVE.   Again, think of these “rules” as skills they are learning, not just something they must do or if they don’t do it they will fail and need to be punished.  Change your framework.
  • A six-year-old may be picky about what they asked to do, not wanting an activity that is “for babies”.  Think about what you are asking your child to do before you ask them and how your child might respond.
  • Go back to your rhythm. Six-year-olds need a strong rhythm.  They need to know the home for things, that every thing does have a place, so they can put things away for themselves.
  • Do not offer choices if there is really no choice. If it is time to leave or go to the bathroom, it is time to leave or go to the bathroom.  Maybe the choice is they can hold your hand to leave or hop like a bunny to leave, but it is still time to leave. 
  • Use stories to help your child do things, and help your child physically along as you tell that story.
  • Nancy Blanning also writes that from a Waldorf perspective, “Each adult responsibility you take care of for your child allows his or her energy to be available for growing.  We do a child a great service by pre-thinking and pre-planning how things will happen – by creating a “form”- which will support both the child and ourselves, so there is order and predictability.”   My personal  note to this is:  This does not in any way mean the child shouldn’t have to do things for themselves or help the family or help around the house, but it does mean that you, as the parent, have thought through how, when and where the child will take over their own routine or chore or whatever they are being asked to do, and that you have shown them step-by-step how it needs to happen.
  • Pick your battles.  The minute you engage in a struggle with your child, your battle is lost.  Help your child, and come up with ways both of you can win if it is possible.  Use matter-of –fact phrases and say what you need, and wait.
  • Think about warmth; how can you show your child warmth?  This is important when you are in one of those stages where you just are not liking your child’s behavior most of the time.  Try and find something you can say that they did that you actually did like, no matter how small.  Find time for smiles, hugs, kisses, being present to play a game, walks in an unhurried manner and just be there.  It will pay off in your relationship with your child!
  • Give as few direct commands as possible; this goes back to picking your battles and letting your rhythm and order carry things.  Think to yourself, if I ask them this, and they say, “NO!” do I have the time, the energy, the patience, to see this through at this moment and do I want to pick this as my focus today?  If it is very important to guiding your child’s life and future development as an adult, then by all means, go ahead.  But if not, please think about it.  And even if you ask something,  and they say “NO!  Make me!” you can honestly change your mind.  I would not do this too often, but everyone can make a better choice, right?  Even us!
  • A six-year-old will take things that are not theirs and will often not tell the whole truth.  Help them. Ask them how something happened, not if they did that.  Put away those things that are tempting to them to take.  Remember that a six-year-old is restless, can be destructive, often can be at the height of sexual play and may need a bit more oversight than they did before if they are like that.  This is a developmental phase that will not last forever, and as a parent, it is still your job to keep your child safe and your property safe as well!
  • You may consider limiting time with friends, playdates and certainly the size and activities of a birthday party.  Six-year-olds are aggressive with friends, belligerent, go wild quickly and have strong emotions that often ends up with the child in tears.  Keep things easy, small and short.
  • Do not carry around baggage about your child saying “I hate you!” at this age or acting as if you are the most unfair mother in the whole world.  A six-year-old will do this, a six-year-old will take out things on their Mother, and it is not up to them to fill your cup.  Do things outside of your child to fill your own cup.  Be fair, be calm, hold the space and try to think compassionately even when they are not being nice.  You are the adult.
  • Do not get into verbal games – “You don’t love me, Mommy.”  Give them a hug and a smile and move on.  Likewise, you can listen to the drama of a six-year-old for so long, and then give them a hug and say.”I have heard you.  I am going to do the dishes now, and I know how sad you are.  I can listen more to you later. Come and have a snack.”  Be calm and limit your words!

This list was not in any particular order, I hope some of the points were valuable to you and yours.  If you have other techniques that have worked particularly well with your six-year-old, please do share in the comment boxes.  Let’s all help each other!

Your until next time,

Carrie

The Six Year Old: An Anthroposophical View

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We peeked at a traditional view of the six-year-old child in one of our last posts and now it is time to look at the Waldorf view of the six-year-old.

Six is obviously the end of one seven-year-cycle and at the cusp of beginning a new seven-year-cycle.  It is also traditionally the time the child should be in the last year of Kindergarten within the Waldorf school system and getting ready to transfer over to the first grade by the age of six and a half or seven. I have heard lately of Waldorf schools transitioning early six-year-olds into first grade and feel this is incredibly wrong.  Just wrong!  From a traditional point of view it makes no sense at all; Gesell Institute is pretty firm about what a rocky age this can be, it is an age already full of tensional outlets and all kinds of misery, they are firm that it is a terrible age for teaching numbers and letters and writing, most six-year-olds can’t sit still to save their own lives – so yes, by all means, let’s throw academics into the picture!  That make perfect sense from a developmental standpoint!  And, from a Waldorf standpoint, it makes even LESS sense to have an early six-year-old in the first grade.  I have two more posts to write in this series about the six-year-old – one about peaceful living with a six-year-old, and one is going to be about what to do that last year of Waldorf  homeschooling kindergarten,  so stay tuned!  I feel very passionate about the little six-year-old! Okay, done with my rant now…….

Back to the anthroposophical viewpoint of the six-year-old. 

In Waldorf Circles, this time is often called the “first puberty” or “first adolescence”.  The book “You’re Not the Boss of Me!  Understanding the Six/Seven-Year-Old Transformation”, edited by Ruth Ker, mentions some of the following characteristics:

  • The appearance of the permanent teeth are seen as a more obvious and outward sign of all the things going on internally with the child.
  • The six-year-old year is a time when the etheric of the child begins to separate from the parent.  If you are confused about what etheric means or have forgotten, please do go back to the post about “Peaceful Life With a Four-Year-Old” – that explains the fourfold human being and may be helpful to you.
  • For the first time, thinking and feeling are just as strong as the will in the child.
  • This is seen in Waldorf circles NOT as the time to provide adult intellectual reasoning, more complex explanation but to instead latch on to the child’s sense of fantasy and imagination.
  • Steiner wrote that children at the change of teeth need “soul milk” from us; Ruth Ker has interpreted this to mean authenticity.
  • Children race around, have frenzied movements, and seek out plenty of movement.
  • The child’s limbs begin to lengthen, body fat begins to disappear, waistlines become present, formation of the “S” shape of the spinal curve.
  • The children of this age enjoy physical challenge and enjoy work
  • This may be a crisis time of play where the child literally cannot play.
  • Children of this age are working  to develop symmetry, balance, dominance, crossing over midline – still!
  • Children of this age want to be the boss.  They are bossy, they correct people (including parents!)
  • They may try to “play” with “adult” themes that are not so lovely to us – weddings, drinking, trying to get others to do things that are not right, rhymes with off-color words and phrases, being silly and giggly. The word “hate” enters the vocabulary now.
  • You may see play that excludes other children.
  • A six-year-old plays with boundaries.

 

Of course, with some of these children, these behavior do not show up until age seven (hence the title the six/SEVEN-year-old transformation) and some children may hit it early, but these are some general characteristics of this age from a Waldorf perspective.

In our next post we will look at what to do to guide these behavior and be an Authentic Leader.  If you need inspiration until then, do hit the “No Spanking” tag in the tag box and that will bring up the series of posts I wrote about being an Authentic Leader.

Until next time,

Carrie

A Book for Parents of the Five-to-Seven-Year-Old

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I recommend this book time and time again to parents, so now you will know about this secret gem as well:  “You’re Not the Boss of Me! Understanding the Six/Seven Year Transformation” with Ruth Ker as the Editor.

This book was borne out of a question Ruth Ker from the Sunrise School in Duncan, British Columbia had:  were Waldorf Kindergartens truly meeting the needs of the older Kindergarten students?  (Recall that five and six year olds are typically still in Kindergarten, with First Grade starting closer to seven years of age in accordance with Steiner’s views on the seven year cycles of life).  This book contains a series of articles written by teachers, doctors and parents of Kindergarten children.

This is the Table of Contents:

Foreword, Susan Howard

Introduction, Ruth Ker

Section One Picture of the Six/Seven Year Old Change

Observations of the Six-Year-Old Change, Ruth Ker

The Birth of the Etheric, Nancy Blanning

Dentition: A Mirror of the Child’s Development, Helge Ruof and Jorg Ruof

Seeing the Wholeness of the Child, Nancy Blanning

Is Our Educational System Contributing to Attentional and Learning Difficulties in Our Children?, Susan R. Johnson

Section Two:  Meeting the Challenge – The Role of the Teacher

Old Man Trouble, Tim Bennett

Our Role in  Meeting the Children, Barbara Kloeck

Soul Milk, Ruth Ker

Essential Oil Baths, Louise deForest

Extract from Work and Play in Childhood, Freya Jaffke

Section Three:  Building the Social Fabric of a Mixed-Age Kindergarten

You Can’t Play With Me, Barbara Kloeck

The Six-Year-Old in a Mixed-Age Kindergarten, Laurie Clark

The Raft, Louise deForest

The Little Ones in the Classroom, Barbara Kloeck

Girls and Boys- Feminine and Masculine, Louise deForest

Beer and Lollipops, Melissa  Borden

Section Four:  Meeting the Child’s Needs- Suggestions for Working in the Classroom

A Working Kindergarten, Louise deForest

Creating A Flow In Time, Barbara Klocek

Sailing Our Ship in Fair or Stormy Weather, Tim Bennett

The Daily Blessing of the Older Child in the Kindergarten, Ruth Ket

Movement Journeys: Enticing the Older Child to Intentional Movement, Nancy Blanning

The Role of Handwork, Barbara Klocek

Little Red-Cap:  The Overcoming of Heredity and the Birth of the Individual, Louise deForest

Section Five:  Activities and Resources for the Classroom

Mother Goose Movement Journey, Nancy Blanning

Through the Snow:  A Winter Movement Journey, Nancy Blannning

Briar Rose Circle, Janet Kellman, after the Brothers Grimm

The Gnomes, Janet Kellman

Star Money, Elisabeth Moore-Haas, adapted by Ruth Ker

The Magic Lake at the End of the World, adapted by Barbara Klocek

The Pumpkin Child, submitted by Ruth Ker

The Legend of the Babouschka, adapted by Ruth Ker

Activity Ideas for Older Children in the Kindergarten, compiled by Nancy Blanning and Ruth Ker

Transitional Games, Verses, and Songs, compiled by Barbara Klocek and Ruth Ker

Jump Rope Rhymes, compiled by Barbara Klocek and Ruth Ker

Section Six:  Parents As Partners

Waldorf Education for the Child and the Parent, Devon Brownsey

Working with Parents:Ideas for Parent Meetings, Ruth Ker and Nancy Blanning

A Bouquet of Wishes for the Rosemary Kindergarten, Tim Bennett

Meetings with Parents on the Topic of Discipline, Louise deForest

Working with the Will of the Young Child, Nancy Blanning

How to Get the Young Child to Do What You Want Without Talking Yourself to Death, Nancy Blanning

Handouts for Parents, Susan R. Johnson, MD including:

The Importance of Warmth

The Importance of Breakfast

The Importance of Sleep

The Meaning of Illness

Fever

The Earache

Parenting a Young Child-What My Formal Education Never Taught Me

Confronting Our Shadow

Product vs. Process

Notes on the Contributors

References

This is a great book and all the articles should be required reading for the parent of the five-to-seven-year old.  This book definitely belongs on your bookshelf as a wonderful reference to be turned to again and again.

Happy Reading,

Carrie

The Snazzy Six-Year-Old

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Ah, six.  The beginning of the six/seven year transformation as described in Waldorf circles, and judged even by traditional childhood development experts as the age that is completely different than the other ages before it.

This is also the age where many parents I have spoken with feel a bit of despair, as if all of their good parenting up until this point was in vain, because now their six-year-old is “defiant”, “physically aggressive”, “mouthy and disrespectful”, “good in school but terrible at home”, “drama over everything and anything”.  Tensional outlets, sexual play and the ilk that signifies significant disequilibrium is back, only it seems worse to parents at this point because after all, six is the age of schooling and being grown-up, not like when the child was two or four.

Hhhmmm.

I urge you to strongly consider six the way Waldorf circles view the age of six – a transitional phase as the child moves into the grades at school and into a new seven-year-cycle.  I urge you to look carefully at the traditional and anthroposophical behavioral characteristics of this age so you do not over- react to this age.

Let’s start with a quick quote from The Gesell Institute’s “Your Six-Year-Old”:

“Your typical Six-year-old is a paradoxical little person, and bipolarity is the name of his game.  Whatever he does, he does the opposite just as readily.  In fact, sometimes just the choice of some certain object or course of action immediately triggers an overpowering need for its opposite.

The Six-year-old is wonderfully complex and intriguing, but life can be complicated for him at times, and what he needs most in the world is parents who understand him.  For Six is not just bigger and better than Five. He is almost entirely different.  He is different because he is changing, and changing rapidly.  Though many of the changes are for the good – he is, obviously, growing more mature, more independent, more daring, more adventurous- this is not necessarily an easy time for the child.”

Typical Developmental Characteristics of the Six-Year-Old, Traditional Perspective

  • Usually ambivalent, wants two opposite things and cannot make up mind
  • Frequent reversals of numbers and letters (The Gesell Institute says that six is NOT the age to do formal teaching of reading at home or at school.  So why the United States school system is so heavily focused on this, I do not know!)
  • Stubborn, hard to make up his mind about things but once his mind is made up it is difficult to get child to change his mind
  • Adores his mother, but at the same time,when things go wrong it is usually Mother’s fault and the Six year-old will take out everything on their Mother.
  • The child is now the center of their own universe; the Mother is not the center of the child’s universe – the six-year-old wants to be close to Mother but at the same time wants to be independent so there is conflict, ambivalence in this relationship but also increased growth and maturity
  • The Six-year-old wants to win, wants to have everything
  • Worries about everything as he moves to be separate from his mother
  • Can be violent, loud, demanding, expects perfection from parents – but not to be “bad”, mainly because he is anxious to be first, to be loved the most, to be the best. (In other words, a very insecure age).
  • Insecure, and high emotional needs.
  • Cannot bear to accept criticism, or bear to lose.  Very small failures, small comments or criticisms hurt them deeply.
  • Cries a lot about physical hurts.
  • Lots of enthusiasm, loves to ask questions, loves to be read to.
  • Can be very happy, warm, full of laughs and smiles.

TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE SIX-AND-A-HALF To SEVEN-YEAR-OLD, TRADITIONAL PERSPECTIVE

  • Increased equilibrium
  • Lively intellectuality
  • Amusing, has a good sense of humor
  • “A certain maturity”
  • Loves new places, new things, new ideas
  • Enjoys life

 

Many parents I have spoken with found early six to be fine, and some of the characteristics that the Gesell Institute describes not to come in until six-and-a-half.  Like so many things in life, your child’s own individuality plays into all this.

Some Further Characteristics of the Six-Year-Old:

TEACHERS:  If the child attends school, the teacher is well-liked, well-respected, what the teacher does is right,  typically the child behaves well in school (but may fall apart at home).

SIBLINGS:  Most six-year-olds are  not at their best with younger siblings.  May enjoy teaching a younger sibling things, but overall may be very competitive, combative (I personally think though that this has much to do with the age of the younger child, although Gesell does not seem to take this into account).  Tends to be very jealous of any attention or objects given a brother or sister.  May argue, tease, bully, frighten, torment, get angry or hit siblings, according to The Gesell Institute.

FRIENDS:  Friends mean a lot to children of this age, but again, it is often hard for the six-year-old to get along with friends.  “Children of this age tend to be very aggressive both verbally and physically.  They are also quarrelsome, belligerent, boisterous, argumentative, excitable, emotional.”  Six wants to “boss and win.”  Usually very little sense of humor with their friends, finds it hard to forgive.

EATING:  May stuff mouth with food, talk with mouth full, grab for food, knock over his milk, dribble, kick chair leg, teeter and totter in chair, fall off chair.

Tends to eat very slowly, but likes to eat and may eat all day long.

SLEEPING: Usually goes to bed well, naps are done, child ready for bed by seven o-clock or eight o’clock according to Gesell Institute.  Most sleep through night well.

TENSIONAL OUTLETS:  At a high:  wriggling, kicking, and swinging arms, sharp verbal comments to outright temper tantrums. Biting and tearing of fingernails, scratching, grimacing, grinding teeth, chewing pencils, nose picking are all common tensional outlets as well.  Child is generally restless,

HEALTH/PHYSICAL ABILITIES:  Child suddenly very clumsy.  May have many complaints about physical health, even when not sick.  Allergies are high, mucous membranes are frequently sensitive and inflamed, communicable diseases are at a high, scalp very sensitive to brushing, child tires easily and fatigues easily.  Baby teeth may fall out and secondary teeth may come in.

SEX PLAY:  Also at a high, just like at age four.

SENSITIVITY TO CLOTHES:  Usually peaking at six and seven years of age.

That’s a quick view of child development at this age from the Gesell book; there is much more in this book and I highly recommend you buy this book and have it on your bookshelf for reference.  It can be found very cheaply used on Amazon and it well worth the price!

Our next posts will look at the anthroposophic view of the six-year-old and then at how to have a peaceful life with a six-year-old, and what homeschooling a six-year-old in Waldorf homeschool kindergarten may look like.

Happy reading until next time,

Carrie