Sometimes we can smile with a small toddler as they reach for something in an obvious gesture of embrace but are still saying “no”. However, in general, many parents frequently feel frustrated when small children start using the word “no” (and yes, I do know this is because your precious one has said “no” literally 800 times today!).  It also seems as a society we rarely celebrate our older preschoolers or older children being able to say “no” to us .

No really can be a cause for celebration if you look at it in the right way.  Why do I say this?  The word “no” is a true expression of My Own Will.  Without the ability to say no, there are no boundaries between Me and Other.  And boundaries are something that can really serve your children well when they are adults!

I am reading this interesting book called “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  This book was published in 1992, so perhaps some of you have already read this.  One of the points in this book is that the word “no” is a basic word we use to set boundaries in our lives, and boundaries can help us as adults answer such questions as how can I set limits and still be a loving person, how do I answer people who would like my time/money/love/energy, how do we set boundaries without feeling guilty.  Anyway, I don’t agree with everything in this book, but it is worth a look if this is an area that is challenging for you!

I also like what Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears say in their book, “The Discipline Book:  How to Have A Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten”:  “Saying no is important for a child’s development, for establishing his identity as an individual.  This is not defiance or a rejection of your authority.  Some parents feel they cannot tolerate any nos at all from their children, thinking that to permit this would undermine their authority.  They wind up curtailing an important process of self-emergence:  Children have to experiment with  where their mother leaves off and where they begin.  Parents can learn to respect individual wishes and still stay in charge and maintain limits.  The boundaries of selfhood will be weak if the self gets no exercise.  As your child gets older, the ability to get along with peers in certain situations (stealing, cheating, drugs, and so on) will depend on her ability to say no.” (page 67)

I have also seen the opposite:  mothers who rarely say no to anything.  Saying no is not negative; I have written about “The Power of A Well-Placed No” here for your reading pleasure:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/07/06/the-power-of-a-well-placed-no/

So how can we as parents better embrace and respond to when our children say “no”? 

1. For small children, do look at what is behind the “no” a child is saying.  Maybe the no is really I don’t want to go to bed (but I really am tired).  Maybe the no is I don’t want to stop playing to go to the bathroom.  Maybe the no is something else.  So being able to look behind the no to see what is the true need or want is important, and will help everyone get their needs met.

2.  Give small children your time to help transition, and have a rhythm to things.  If small children are engaged in something, give them time to switch gears with your help.  Songs and verses for these  transition points are helpful here.  A rhythm is also helpful because then a child knows what comes after what every day. 

3.  If there is a natural consequence for a child not doing something, then  you must follow through.  I know everyone is going to write and ask for examples of this, but really this is variable family to family and also depends upon the age of the child.   Perhaps an example would be with a child who won’t wear a coat to go outside on a freezing cold day.  No coat, no outside.  When the coat goes on, the child can go outside. 

4.  Please don’t let your child’s resistance to something make you doubt yourself.  Your child is not choosing to get cavities just because they don’t want to brush their teeth.  I don’t mean this to give an excuse for some really authoritarian parenting, but I do want you to feel empowered that you do know something about what your child needs!

5.  Recognize that older children say “no” in different ways, such as the famous “You’re mean!” “You’re not the boss of me!” or things to sidetrack the whole original issue. Less words and a calm tone can be helpful here.  Don’t get sidetracked and feel as if you have to verbally respond to everything your child is saying.   Love your child, be warm, but stay the course.

Many blessings,

Carrie

I mentioned in my last blog post (https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/06/27/boys-boys-boys/)  the importance of a father or other positive male role models in raising boys into successful manhood.  Rick Johnson has a great quote in his book, “That’s My Son”:

“Manhood and fatherhood are learned behaviors.  Boys are visual creatures and learn by observing.  By watching how men react in certain situations, what they say, and how they solve problems, boys learn to become men.  Boys need to be instructed at an early age to take on their manly responsibility.  They need to develop a leadership style that appears both noble to men and endearing to women rather than dominant or abusive.  They need to understand a masculine vision of what a real man is.  They need a code of conduct teaching them how a real man lives his life.”

I have written on this blog before about the difference between mothering and fathering, and the importance of both (see:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/23/the-necessity-of-mothering-and-fathering/ )   .  If you are in a situation where you are a single parent or your child’s father is uninvolved, Rick Johnson, suggests looking at Boy Scouts of America (and yes, I know there are varying opinions about Boy Scouts), Little League and soccer, and male teachers. He also suggests attending things with your son in which men are involved, such as sporting games, etc.

To understand the role of older men in nurturing boys better, I like how authors Don and Jeanne Elium outline the progression of maternal attachment to entering the world of men in their book, “Raising A Son”.  They talk about the importance of fathers being involved with their son even though a small child is primarily attached to the mother during the early years.  They write, “The father who is active with his son in the early years is making a huge investment for the future.”  They note through culture that boys are frequently begin subconscious separation from their mothers around the age of three. 

The psychological identification of boys with their Father begins somewhere between the years of five and eight.  The Eliums write that this does not mean a boy no longer wants, needs or wants attention from his mothers, but that the child often experiences a “push-pull” relationship with their mother and that the boys are often craving a relationship with their fathers.  Rick Johnson pinpoints the ages of around five and adolescence as times where mothers and sons experience challenges as a boy tries to head toward manhood.  Mothers must not take this push and pull personally!

Around the age of nine can often come a time where the young boy is challenging authority more and really needs copious amounts of time with other positive adult males.  At this time, the boy’s relationship with his mother must be expanded and transformed.  The Eliums write that “Boys have to be pulled into the responsibilities of the adult male world with compassion, firmness and father-love……From Dad the son learns not only about his male body, but about the masculine workings of the mind, soul, and spirit.”

John Eldredge, author of “Wild at Heart”  says that “The idea, widely held in our culture, is that the aggressive nature of boys is inherently bad, and we have to make them into something more like girls.”  Indeed, this idea of “shaping behavior” comes up frequently.  Christina Hoff Summers talks about how boys do not need to be “ pathologized” and that whilst aggression and such needs to be channeled into constructive ways, we are forgetting that some of these exact traits are what contributes goodness to society.

What the Eliums bring up is that we often ignore the soul of the boy as he transforms into a man.  Author Rick Johnson argues that boys, and later men, have needs to have significance in their lives and to have a cause to fight for.  I have written time and time again on this blog about children having chores and contributing to the family so there is something bigger than just themselves.  I have written time and time again about the need for children to see spiritual ideas in ACTION, so they see there is something bigger than themselves in both the spiritual realm and also in the sense of community.  Boys also  crave heroes, and stories about our founding fathers, pioneers, frontiersman, soldiers, athletes for boys ages 7 and up really can be helpful.

It is important that mothers let their boys take risks; that they understand that getting physically hurt to a boy frequently just means they need to try again; that taking risks and attaining success is an important part of developing into manhood.  Johnson says, “A man’s role in life often requires him to persist in the face of adversity.”  Boys do need guidance, but smothering love and over-protectiveness does not help.  The Eliums describe boys as needing parents who are courageous and who can set firm and appropriate boundaries for their sons based upon complete connection and lots of time spent together.

Lots more to say in the next post.

Live big and love your children!

Carrie

Let’s talk about raising boys for a few days!  For those of you raising daughters, I did a few posts specific to fathers and daughters here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/18/fathers-and-daughters-part-one/  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/20/fathers-and-daughters-part-two/

Here is another one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/23/raising-a-daughter/

For this topic of raising boys, I really like the book (once again!) by Don and Jeanine Elium entitled “Raising A Son: Parents and the Making of A Healthy Man”.  You can find this book here: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Son-Parents-Making-Healthy/dp/1587611945/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276131538&sr=8-1

My husband and I also recently read “That’s My Son:  How Moms Can Influence Boys To Become Men of Character” by Rick Johnson.  This is a quick read, and very interesting.   My husband and I really enjoyed this one.   You can find this book here:  http://www.amazon.com/Thats-My-Son-Influence-Character/dp/0800730771/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277684591&sr=8-1

I was wondering what mothers out there are finding most challenging about raising boys?  I would love to hear from you, please do leave me a comment in the comment box!  

Boys are wonderful.  I happen to very much love a little boy who grew up to be a terrific man.  🙂  But, the question for many parents of boys seems to exactly be “how to raise a good man.”  After all, the statistics regarding boys quoted in Rick Johnson’s “That’s My Son” are rather dire:

• Boys are six times more likely than girls to have learning disorders
• Boys are three times more likely to be drug addicted
• Boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed
• Boys are twelve times more likely to commit murder
• Boys have a 50 percent greater risk of dying in a car accident
• Boys are five times more likely to commit suicide
• Young boys are seven times more likely to be admitted to mental hospitals and juvenile institutions than girls of the same age/socioeconomic background
• Boys are twice as likely as girls to have autism and six times as likely to be diagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder
• Boys stutter more than girls and are diagnosed with more speech disorders than girls
• Boys are more likely to have birth defects, mental retardation and even genetic diseases.

When boys seem to have so much stacked against them, how can we go about raising a good man?

I think one of the first places to start is to understand what makes a boy tick.  Physically, boys are different than girls.

For example, a boy or a man uses mainly one hemisphere of the brain at a time.  Women’s brains have a larger corpus collosum that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain, so we tend to use both.  This may account for differences in perceiving emotion and multi-tasking.

Males have less serotonin than females and  have up to twenty times more testosterone.  Testosterone is a cause of more dominant behavior, and also causes more muscle growth and hair.  Males are bigger, faster, stronger.  Rick Johnson writes:   “Due to higher levels of testosterone, males tend to act out in times of stress.  Females tend to become withdrawn in similar circumstances.  In stressful situations (during their parents’ divorce, for instance), adolescent males often become angry and aggressive, getting into trouble and acting act, whereas adolescent females are more prone to becoming depressed and withdrawn.”   Males also have a larger amygdala, the portion of the brain that orders the adrenal glands and other glands into action during times of stress.  This also contributes to increased dominance as compared to females.

But this is just the physical side, and we know that people are more than just their physical bodies.  Males *typically* are better at math, science, spatial relations, logic and reasoning as shown by brain scans. 

The Eliums write in “Raising A Son”:  “…a man tends to fix problems first and consider his relationship with his spouse or partner later, whereas most women consider the relationship in the solution.  Men tend to focus on one problem or task at a time (as at a bull’s-eye on a target) and see any other occurrences in their lives as distractions to ignore.”   Men tend to take in less sensory input from their environment and have shorter overall attention spans than females.

Competition, rules and order are more important to boys.   Clear, firm but loving guidance is really important to boys.  In Chapter One of “Raising A Son”, the authors point out that boys want to know things.  They want to know who is the boss, what the rules are, and are you going to enforce the rules.  “To have a strong relationship with a boy, you have to be the boss, and a very kind one.  Only set rules that you can enforce, and always enforce them.  Then you have the basis for the relationship.  From here comes respect, and more importantly, trust.  Then you can be kind, he’ll listen, and he knows that you are on his side.”

Obviously, all children, boys included, are developed through biology, psychology,  culture, the unique and individual “I” that every person has.   However, firm, kind, consistent are words that have come up over and over in the literature I have researched in dealing with the guidance of boys.  Some of you have wonderful boys who may not have needed this approach, but most of the literature seems to support these traits in raising boys. 

The other thing that has come up over and over and over in my research is that boys need a man mentor.  A woman just cannot teach a boy to be a man.  Positive male role models are extremely important in a boy’s life.  Typically a boy starts identifying more with their fathers than their mothers around the age of five.  It is important that fathers have an active relationship with their sons.   This does not mean that mother is no longer important, or the tie to mothers must be severed, but that the relationship of a boy to other men is important in learning how to be a good man.  The Eliums point out in their book that “Ancient peoples wisely anticipated the first show of testosterone’s power.  When boys became unruly, hard to handle, aggressive, and difficult, community members knew the time was ripe. It was time to make a boy into a man.”

Lots more to say, but will stop there tonight.  Thoughts?

Many blessings,

Carrie