Can you all believe we up to Day Number 12?  I can’t believe it either!  Thank you so much to all of my readers for keeping up with this series.    This blog had almost 19,000 hits last month, so I know there are many of you out there reading along and I want you to know I treasure you all.

Today we are going to talk about warmth.  Warmth is a quality often mentioned in Waldorf and anthroposophic circles, and seems to get little attention outside of these realms.  This is a shame, because of the importance warmth has in the development of a child’s senses. 

I wrote this in a post regarding the twelve senses as seen by Rudolf Steiner:

“The Sense of Warmth –   Donna Simmons calls this one a gateway to The Higher Senses.  This sense does not fully develop until age 9 and can literally cause a hardening of creativity and new thought as the child matures, but also can refer to a literal inability of the child to be able to tell if they are hot or cold.  Warmth implies not only physical warmth, but warmth on a soul level.  Joy, humor, love, connection are all important developers of this sense along with PROTECTION from extreme and garish sensory experiences that would cause hardening.  This is a very important sense, and children need help with protecting this sense until the age of 9 or 10, so much longer than many parents think!”

I think this notion of warmth really feeds off our last post regarding the home; it is one of those qualities most needed in the  home and in the development of the child.

So, we can look at  two separate ways of generating “warmth”.  One is to think about physical warmth.  I recently wrote an entire post about mainly physical  warmth here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/27/what-happens-if-i-dont-keep-my-child-warm/

It is very important to keep children warm as  their own sense of temperature equilibrium really does not become well-established until after age nine!  So yes, this means woolens and silks and hats and layers! 

But I think the other thing to think about sincerely is how to convey EMOTIONAL warmth to our children.  How many times a day do we laugh with our children?  Hug our children or have them sit on our lap?  Smile at our children?  Say positive and encouraging things to our children?

So, my three-day challenge to you is this:

Set a goal for how many times a day you are going to try to laugh, hug, hold, smile and say positive things to your child and act on it!   This may seem very stilted and forced, but sometimes we all need that structure in order to make a behavior more automatic.   See after three days if there is a difference in not only you and your children, but in the peacefulness of your household.  Can you also  do this with your spouse?  How many encouraging things do you say to him each day?  How many times do you walk by him and touch his hand or touch him on the back or give him a kiss? 

Try it for three short days, Monday through Wednesday this week,  and let me know how it goes!

Many blessings,

Carrie

This is a topic near and dear to my heart: making your home work for you.  This whole notion of “What makes a home a home?” is profoundly interesting to me!

This probably has more to do with the “intangibles”:  the way a home feels when you walk into it.  Is there warmth, joy, laughter, playfulness – or is it all tense, anger, bitterness, misery? 

Your own inner work is of utmost importance in maintaining your home as a place of joy, humor and warmth.  How YOU feel cared for is an important part.  There was a post earlier in this series regarding how to make yourself a priority; I believe this is important to continue to try to find ways to honor yourself and the wonderful parent that you are.  Quiet confidence gives a great strength and stability to the home.

So, when we think of “home” and cleaning up, let’s clean up ourselves first.  Discern the essentials for your family!  Do you have a Family Mission Statement?  Here is that post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/

Here is our Family Mission Statement:

Our family will be a place of KINDNESS, as we love one another, help one another, and are gentle and patient with one another in words and actions.

(“Don’t ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet.” Proverbs 3:3 and “Someone with a quick temper does foolish things, but someone with understanding remains calm.” Proverbs 14:17).

Our family will be a place of POSITIVE ATTITUDES as we have hope, cheerfulness and encouragement for each other in all situations and challenges.

(“Worry is a heavy load, but a kind word cheers you up.” Proverbs 12:25 and “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, making people happy and healthy.” Proverbs 16:24)

Our family will be one of INTEGRITY as we do what we say we are going to do and act in honesty and loyalty to one another.

(“The good people who live honest lives will be a blessing to their children.” Proverbs 20:7)

You can write something in accordance with your own spiritual beliefs!  Let your Family Mission Statement reflect the utmost priorities of your family!

Let’s think about “de-cluttering” in how we take care of OURSELVES; can we discern the essentials and leave the non-essentials behind?  Have we been ignoring the essentials in regards to ourselves?    Are you going to bed and getting enough rest?  Are you eating well?  Keeping up with your own doctor’s appointments?  Are you exercising at all (and no, walking at the pace of a two-year-old who stops every foot to examine things on the ground probably does not qualify to increase your own cardiovascular health!)  How could you work these things into your rhythm?  Could your spouse or partner help make this happen?

Now we are onto the physical beauty that is our home!  I think the issue is that as homeschooling mothers we are in our home ALL DAY, so the physical way our home looks and feels can really affect us! 

We have looked in the past on this blog at de-cluttering your home and also how to homeschool and have a clean house.  Those posts are here:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/11/housecleaning-and-homeschooling/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/12/is-your-home-a-sanctuary/

I also encourage all of you to not only come up with a rhythm for your de-cluttering and your cleaning, but for chores for your children.  In a homeschooling family, all the housecleaning cannot be just on the mother.  It takes a team!  That being said, many children need you to do chores WITH them until the nine-year-change at least.  We are doing things TOGETHER and you are singing and having FUN!  That is what makes a home a home; the beauty of caring for one another!

But most of all, remember a home is built of those soul qualities.  One book that may be of use to you all is “The Spiritual Tasks of the Homemaker”.  For a study of this book, please see AnthroMama’s blog here: http://anthromama.wordpress.com/spiritual-tasks-of-the-homemaker-study/

Many blessings,

Carrie

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This is the third and final installment of “Day Number 10” of our series “20 Days Toward Being A More Mindful Mother”.  I just wanted to briefly cover the seven and eight year olds.  These are ages that are often seen as “older” in our society, and I am here to tell you these ages still need protection and also require appropriate developmental expectations.

Here is a prior post to ponder:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/08/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-still-a-need-for-protection/

Realistic Expectations for the Seven-Year-Old:

• EXPECT a seven-year-old still needs PROTECTION of their senses and of how much they are doing in any one day.  A seven-year-old wants to do everything and anything, but as the Gesell Institute points out, a hallmark of the seven-year-old is fatigue.  They need you to establish good bedtimes (7:30 is not too early for a busy seven-year-old!) and they need you to help them limit their activities.
• EXPECT physical movement to still  be REALLY important, and I am not talking about organized sports.  I am talking about PLAYING and being outside in nature where they create the games themselves.  Seven-year-olds should still be playing!  The Gesell Institute mentions that adult supervision is still important when they play because sevens become excited and wild which can often end in “destruction of  material or personal altercation.”  Also, be aware many seven-year-olds are not too compassionate of those they deem “different” and while they thrive on group praise per Gesell Institute, most sevens also do not seem to “need” friends the way they did when they were six.
• EXPECT a seven-year-olds to be more contained and quiet than at six, but also expect that they tend to cry easily “at any, every, or even no provocation.”  Be careful becoming irritable or critical of the people a seven-year-old says is picking on them or hates them….Sevens rather like being gloomy and complaining.  Try not to take it too seriously, unless you really do think it is a bullying issue at school or something else more serious.  However, not taking it too seriously does not mean you do not treat the complaints that no one likes me, etc, etc as if they are real.  The feelings are real to your child!  So, don’t get dragged too far into it all, but also acknowledge how your child feels.
• EXPECT a seven-year-old to  think about death, dying, killing, violence.  This is why the archetypal fairy tales found in the Waldorf curriculum are wonderful for this age.  Take all the wild talk calmly!  You can sometimes say something to the effect that children think these things, but add in that, “Of course we wouldn’t do that here in our house.”
• EXPECT the fear stages that go with many seven-year-olds.  A seven-year-old is likely to be fearful of many things; again, these feelings are real to the child so you can be sympathetic and compassionate without being completely dragged into it all.  Don’t YOU be frightened of your child’s fears; that provides the child no sense of security at all!
• EXPECT that a seven-year-old still will most likely touch, manipulate and play with anything that catches their eye.
• EXPECT most sevens to be procrastinators, have short memory spans per Gesell (which makes perfect sense to we Waldorf people that memory is forming and being placed into play as something important now); and expect that they have a tendency to get very distracted easily.  Sevens also try to be perfect and need reminding that no one is perfect or should be perfect.
• EXPECT your seven-year-old to argue with you in a sense, asking “Why?”  “Why?” over and over, more almost as a stalling technique for whatever you asked them to do.  Do NOT overtalk to them!  If you need help, see my post entitled, “Stop Talking!  (”https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/14/stop-talking/)  But do make sure your child has heard you- sometimes they really don’t hear you!

Realistic Expectations for the Eight-Year-Old:

On to Day Number Eleven!

Carrie

AGE FIVE:  Often referred to as a “Golden Age” in development with five-and-a-half being a time of disequilibrium according to traditional childhood development texts.

Five is the average age to be able to:

• Carry an open container without spilling
• Go to the toilet by themselves with no accidents
• Use a towel to dry themselves after a bath
• May be able to wash their own hair
• Able to get dressed with reminders
• May know left and right
• Can cut out pictures following outlines
• Will recognize missing or incongruous elements in pictures
• Can walk down stairs carrying an object (no railing)
• Can complete one sit-up and one push-up
• Can adjust behavior to fit rules and routines of different situations
• Can sacrifice immediate desires for a delayed reward
• Act in accordance to social rules
• Typically can control temper fairly well
• Can play and work without disrupting others
• Will comfort those in distress
• Can cooperative in simple group games
• Will protect other children and animals
• Will offer to help
• Will say “excuse me” when interrupting
• Can wait to be acknowledged before speaking
• Can answer telephone and carry on conversation
• Can wait until designated time to leave table
• Attends to task without supervision for 15 minutes
• Can sing whole songs

AGE SIX:  Here are some pointers for age six:

Hope these tips will help you have realistic expectations for those five and six year olds!

Carrie

Last post we addressed being able to set calm limits.  Part of that calmness comes from knowing what are realistic expectations for each age.  This by itself could be a small book, but let’s point out a few highlights for age three up through age eight in this three-part post!

AGE THREE:  Three is very, very little.  According to Waldorf parenting and pedagogy, the first three years are for the establishment for walking (which takes about two and a half years to be a very mature walker without needing the arms for balance, being able to run, etc); the development of speech and the development of thinking as first seen by use of the term “I”.

Some parents get very upset around the three and a half year mark as children start to exert some will and push against the forms of the day and the rhythms you have crafted.  This is not something to be annoyed with, this is something to be celebrated!  Seriously!

Typical developmental things about the three and a half -year-olds include (this is according to the Gesell Institute, not necessarily my personal opinion!):

• Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simplest  event or occasion can elicit total rebellion; strong and secure gross motor abilities may turn more into stumbling, falling, at this age; new- found verbal ability such as  “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining
• May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things
• Three and a half to four may be the height  for the most “WHY?”  “WHERE?”  “WHAT?” kinds of questions
• Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity
• May refuse to take part in daily routine

SO, expect some pushing against what you do daily, and have some distraction plans at hand. 

Sit down and make a list of animals and how they move, so you can pull out some creative animal games to “hop over here like a kangaroo” or other animal movements you will need to get something accomplished.  Think about what appeals to your boy or girl with moving objects or occupations so you can round up blocks like  a shepherd rounding up sheep (clean-up) and other tasks.  Think about how to structure your environment so less toys are immediately available without your help; this avoids much clean-up.   Think about setting up play scenarios; at three they are just learning how to start fantasy play and making believe and they may need your help to get started!

Expect some struggles around bedtime perhaps; think about how to shorten your bedtime routine and how you will handle things when they are not going well and everyone is just tired.  Think about less choices  and less words all the way around for this age.

Think about the amount of outside time you will include in your day – this is very important!

Figure out how to be strong and carry the work and rhythms of the day even if your child does not participate!

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: from a traditional physical therapy/occupational therapy perspective – According to traditional childhood development sources, a three-year-old may most likely be able to:

• At three and  a  half to age four, may use a spoon for liquids; may use a fork with some spilling; may refill his or her glass from a container that holds less than the glass does; can drink from a water fountain an adult turns on.
• Can distinguish between a bowel movement and urination; around three and a half may or may not go to the bathroom at  regular intervals
• Can turn off water in bathroom when you ask; may be able to put toothpaste on toothbrush and wet the toothbrush; can put comb or brush in hair; can pull pants up; can get clothing out and put it on by around three and  a half, although the average age for complete dressing is age 5.  Can pull off shoes and unzip and unsnap clothing.
• Probably knows own name and names of siblings, may know if they or their family members  are male or female.
• Can string large beads; roll clay or other modeling material into a snake shape, probably can match objects, cut paper with scissors, may know primary colors, may be able to roll clay into a ball.
• May be able to play a game with another person, such as rolling a ball back and forth;  they can usually talk about a game  that just finished and start a new game; can take turns in a game at least 25 percent of the time
• Can sit quietly for at least one minute; this moves up to five minutes at three and a half
• Can say please and thank you; request help when needed
• COMPLETES 10 PERCENT OF A TASK WITH ATTENTION AND REINFORCING BY AN ADULT; will start a task only when reminded at around three and a half and at that point may be able to complete 10 percent of the task with little input from an adult.  Carrie’s note:  Waldorf expectations and ways of working with a child’s will is often more in line with this than mainstream methods we see out there!
• May sing parts and phrases of familiar songs.
• (These milestones came from the Hawaii Early Learning Profile for Children ages 3-6).

How did you do?  Were you expecting MORE?

Another thing to consider is I have seen parents whose oldest is three and they are so eager to jump into Waldorf homeschooling that they are setting up things much more suitable for a five or six year old.  Three is very, very little!  Think rhythm, warmth, them watching you work and joining in here and there, some festival preparation and singing, getting them outside a lot and into their bodies.  The other parts will come.  In a Waldorf Kindergarten (school) a three-year-old may be trying to do many things with a large group of older children to carry them; at home this is not the case usually!

AGE FOUR:  Please see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/05/realistic-expectations-for-the-four-year-old/

and here are a few milestones: 

• Usually can go to the toilet when needed and has few accidents; may be able to wipe after toileting, by four and a half or close to five may be able to tear toilet  paper appropriately and flush toilet after use.
• Can allow hair to be washed without getting upset; wash and rinse body areas with verbal help; run comb or brush through hair by age 5; can typically put on clothing when told, by age 6 may be able to dress at a designated time without being reminded; usually can do zippers by almost age 5, can unbutton clothing now, pull pull-over clothing off completely; may be able to unlace shoes
• Can spit toothpaste out and rinse toothbrush and put cap back on toothpaste by age four and a half.
• Can tell month of birth before age 5 usually. also may know street name or father and mother’s first and last names possibly.  By age 5 may know phone number.
• Can usually string small beads; spread glue on one thing and turn it over to stick it to another piece of paper; can cut across the paper following a straight or curvy line; can fold paper in half with edges meeting
• Can walk down stairs with alternating feet while holding a railing, may be able to jump off bottom step, stand on tiptoes, kick a stationary ball, jump at least two feet forward with feet together; balance on one foot for at least five second with eyes open, can gallop; can ride tricycle without running into things, can do a somersault; can maintain momentum on a swing; can hop at least 10 feet on one foot
• Can try again if a change in activities or a disappointment occurs and time elapses or if reassured; by age five will take turns in a game 50 to 75 percent of the time; can sit quietly for 10 minutes; can share toys by around four and a half years of age;
• By age four, attends  to a  task for 5 minutes without supervision and completes 25 to 50 percent of the task with little attention or prompting (I am not so sure this would be typical in a homeschooling environment with little exposure to a large group environment; what do you all think?)
• May march in time to music, shift rhythm if the tempo of music changes.
• Again, this is a traditional perspective of children involved in a classroom setting so keep that in mind!

Many blessings, on to ages five through eight later!

Carrie

The posts in this series regarding rest and sleep brought up the issues of learning how to set boundaries calmly.  This is actually coming up quite a bit in my personal existence as many of my friends seem to be having their second child and are dealing with how to set limits calmly and patiently for their older child.

I think for many parents setting limits is such a hard thing.  First of all, as an attached parent, we have to learn how to surrender to this wee being.  We have to make the  transition from being perhaps an outside-the-home career woman who has a schedule and deadlines to meet to slowing down to the home environment where we are lucky to get a shower!  We have visions based upon these parenting books we read that the baby will sleep a lot and we will have all this time to clean our house and walk on our treadmills or something and quickly realize that is not reality with an infant.  It can take time to transition into relaxing into our baby’s cues for breastfeeding, for sleep.  Once we do that, and are nursing and sharing proximity in sleep and realizing that the child does not view himself as separate from us, we learn to surrender and have an ebb and flow of connection with our child.

However, then there comes the assertion of will from the child.  We start to realize that the child is pushing against the forms of the day, the rhythm we have so carefully crafted.  Some people see this as defiance, but in the land of Waldorf and even in the land of traditional childhood development that pushing against the forms of the day is not seen because the child is malicious or planning things our or devious!  The child is learning, the child is realizing they are a person onto themselves and starting to think!  If you need further help, here is a post to help you:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/

We start to realize the child is not the same as us, not a psychological extension of us.  We start to realize that the needs of the whole family absolutely do count.  Some parents realize these things earlier than others.  Some parents come to this rather late.

But this can be a frustrating time in parenting a small child because the child does have an idea of what they want, they live in the moment without much thought of what happens before or after an action.  Some parents get truly frustrated because they say, “I tell them what to do and they run the other way!” or other parents say, “I get frustrated because I am so mad and ready to lose it and they SMILE at me or LAUGH!”

They are probably smiling or laughing at you because they do not understand the emotions on your face other than, boy, there is a lot of intensity there and I have no clue what to do.  If you show small children different adults with different non-verbal gestures and postures that we as adults can read well, they cannot.  The small children came out of the womb three years ago!  Seriously!  They laugh and smile because they don’t know how else to react!  Or, they imitate you and react being angry back and then the parent is completely enraged that the child is reacting that way instead of reacting like a calm, rational adult who would say, “Of course I will help you pick up the big mess I made down.  In fact, why don’t you go put your feet up with a cup of tea!”  Children imitate what they see; their entire being is an eye at this point that takes everything in without a filter.

You have to be calm as a parent!  You must be able to detach yourself enough from your emotions to address the behavior you do not want, and to focus on the behavior you want in a creative way- through song, movement, helping the child through your GENTLE physical touch.  That is where they live!  They don’t live in the verbal commands you direct from the kitchen while you are doing something else!  Your ability to take care of yourself, to dialogue with your spouse or partner and family so they can help you, your relationship with your spouse or partner, your physical home, your health and diet and exercise habits all greatly impact this ability to be calm.   You need your inner work!   Look at the inner work series of Melisa Nielsen’s I just highlighted.    If you are burned-out, tapped-out, stressed out – it is much more difficult to remain calm and connected to your child in the moment.

Parenting is saying and doing the same thing over and over with the small child.  This is how they learn, and it takes time.  They do not have the impulse control or logical thought when they are small to do otherwise.

Also, to have realistic expectations is EXTREMELY important.  You may be expecting something completely out of the realm of normalcy for that age.  The minute those “My child SHOULD be able to _____” starts in your head, breathe and take a step back!  I wrote one post regarding realistic expectations regarding the four-year-old and we will take a peek at some other realistic expectations for different ages next post in this series.

Many, many blessings,

Carrie