Last post we addressed being able to set calm limits.  Part of that calmness comes from knowing what are realistic expectations for each age.  This by itself could be a small book, but let’s point out a few highlights for age three up through age eight in this three-part post!

AGE THREE:  Three is very, very little.  According to Waldorf parenting and pedagogy, the first three years are for the establishment for walking (which takes about two and a half years to be a very mature walker without needing the arms for balance, being able to run, etc); the development of speech and the development of thinking as first seen by use of the term “I”.

Some parents get very upset around the three and a half year mark as children start to exert some will and push against the forms of the day and the rhythms you have crafted.  This is not something to be annoyed with, this is something to be celebrated!  Seriously!

Typical developmental things about the three and a half -year-olds include (this is according to the Gesell Institute, not necessarily my personal opinion!):

• Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simplest  event or occasion can elicit total rebellion; strong and secure gross motor abilities may turn more into stumbling, falling, at this age; new- found verbal ability such as  “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining
• May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things
• Three and a half to four may be the height  for the most “WHY?”  “WHERE?”  “WHAT?” kinds of questions
• Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity
• May refuse to take part in daily routine

SO, expect some pushing against what you do daily, and have some distraction plans at hand. 

Sit down and make a list of animals and how they move, so you can pull out some creative animal games to “hop over here like a kangaroo” or other animal movements you will need to get something accomplished.  Think about what appeals to your boy or girl with moving objects or occupations so you can round up blocks like  a shepherd rounding up sheep (clean-up) and other tasks.  Think about how to structure your environment so less toys are immediately available without your help; this avoids much clean-up.   Think about setting up play scenarios; at three they are just learning how to start fantasy play and making believe and they may need your help to get started!

Expect some struggles around bedtime perhaps; think about how to shorten your bedtime routine and how you will handle things when they are not going well and everyone is just tired.  Think about less choices  and less words all the way around for this age.

Think about the amount of outside time you will include in your day – this is very important!

Figure out how to be strong and carry the work and rhythms of the day even if your child does not participate!

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: from a traditional physical therapy/occupational therapy perspective – According to traditional childhood development sources, a three-year-old may most likely be able to:

• At three and  a  half to age four, may use a spoon for liquids; may use a fork with some spilling; may refill his or her glass from a container that holds less than the glass does; can drink from a water fountain an adult turns on.
• Can distinguish between a bowel movement and urination; around three and a half may or may not go to the bathroom at  regular intervals
• Can turn off water in bathroom when you ask; may be able to put toothpaste on toothbrush and wet the toothbrush; can put comb or brush in hair; can pull pants up; can get clothing out and put it on by around three and  a half, although the average age for complete dressing is age 5.  Can pull off shoes and unzip and unsnap clothing.
• Probably knows own name and names of siblings, may know if they or their family members  are male or female.
• Can string large beads; roll clay or other modeling material into a snake shape, probably can match objects, cut paper with scissors, may know primary colors, may be able to roll clay into a ball.
• May be able to play a game with another person, such as rolling a ball back and forth;  they can usually talk about a game  that just finished and start a new game; can take turns in a game at least 25 percent of the time
• Can sit quietly for at least one minute; this moves up to five minutes at three and a half
• Can say please and thank you; request help when needed
• COMPLETES 10 PERCENT OF A TASK WITH ATTENTION AND REINFORCING BY AN ADULT; will start a task only when reminded at around three and a half and at that point may be able to complete 10 percent of the task with little input from an adult.  Carrie’s note:  Waldorf expectations and ways of working with a child’s will is often more in line with this than mainstream methods we see out there!
• May sing parts and phrases of familiar songs.
• (These milestones came from the Hawaii Early Learning Profile for Children ages 3-6).

How did you do?  Were you expecting MORE?

Another thing to consider is I have seen parents whose oldest is three and they are so eager to jump into Waldorf homeschooling that they are setting up things much more suitable for a five or six year old.  Three is very, very little!  Think rhythm, warmth, them watching you work and joining in here and there, some festival preparation and singing, getting them outside a lot and into their bodies.  The other parts will come.  In a Waldorf Kindergarten (school) a three-year-old may be trying to do many things with a large group of older children to carry them; at home this is not the case usually!

AGE FOUR:  Please see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/05/realistic-expectations-for-the-four-year-old/

and here are a few milestones: 

• Usually can go to the toilet when needed and has few accidents; may be able to wipe after toileting, by four and a half or close to five may be able to tear toilet  paper appropriately and flush toilet after use.
• Can allow hair to be washed without getting upset; wash and rinse body areas with verbal help; run comb or brush through hair by age 5; can typically put on clothing when told, by age 6 may be able to dress at a designated time without being reminded; usually can do zippers by almost age 5, can unbutton clothing now, pull pull-over clothing off completely; may be able to unlace shoes
• Can spit toothpaste out and rinse toothbrush and put cap back on toothpaste by age four and a half.
• Can tell month of birth before age 5 usually. also may know street name or father and mother’s first and last names possibly.  By age 5 may know phone number.
• Can usually string small beads; spread glue on one thing and turn it over to stick it to another piece of paper; can cut across the paper following a straight or curvy line; can fold paper in half with edges meeting
• Can walk down stairs with alternating feet while holding a railing, may be able to jump off bottom step, stand on tiptoes, kick a stationary ball, jump at least two feet forward with feet together; balance on one foot for at least five second with eyes open, can gallop; can ride tricycle without running into things, can do a somersault; can maintain momentum on a swing; can hop at least 10 feet on one foot
• Can try again if a change in activities or a disappointment occurs and time elapses or if reassured; by age five will take turns in a game 50 to 75 percent of the time; can sit quietly for 10 minutes; can share toys by around four and a half years of age;
• By age four, attends  to a  task for 5 minutes without supervision and completes 25 to 50 percent of the task with little attention or prompting (I am not so sure this would be typical in a homeschooling environment with little exposure to a large group environment; what do you all think?)
• May march in time to music, shift rhythm if the tempo of music changes.
• Again, this is a traditional perspective of children involved in a classroom setting so keep that in mind!

Many blessings, on to ages five through eight later!

Carrie

The posts in this series regarding rest and sleep brought up the issues of learning how to set boundaries calmly.  This is actually coming up quite a bit in my personal existence as many of my friends seem to be having their second child and are dealing with how to set limits calmly and patiently for their older child.

I think for many parents setting limits is such a hard thing.  First of all, as an attached parent, we have to learn how to surrender to this wee being.  We have to make the  transition from being perhaps an outside-the-home career woman who has a schedule and deadlines to meet to slowing down to the home environment where we are lucky to get a shower!  We have visions based upon these parenting books we read that the baby will sleep a lot and we will have all this time to clean our house and walk on our treadmills or something and quickly realize that is not reality with an infant.  It can take time to transition into relaxing into our baby’s cues for breastfeeding, for sleep.  Once we do that, and are nursing and sharing proximity in sleep and realizing that the child does not view himself as separate from us, we learn to surrender and have an ebb and flow of connection with our child.

However, then there comes the assertion of will from the child.  We start to realize that the child is pushing against the forms of the day, the rhythm we have so carefully crafted.  Some people see this as defiance, but in the land of Waldorf and even in the land of traditional childhood development that pushing against the forms of the day is not seen because the child is malicious or planning things our or devious!  The child is learning, the child is realizing they are a person onto themselves and starting to think!  If you need further help, here is a post to help you:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/

We start to realize the child is not the same as us, not a psychological extension of us.  We start to realize that the needs of the whole family absolutely do count.  Some parents realize these things earlier than others.  Some parents come to this rather late.

But this can be a frustrating time in parenting a small child because the child does have an idea of what they want, they live in the moment without much thought of what happens before or after an action.  Some parents get truly frustrated because they say, “I tell them what to do and they run the other way!” or other parents say, “I get frustrated because I am so mad and ready to lose it and they SMILE at me or LAUGH!”

They are probably smiling or laughing at you because they do not understand the emotions on your face other than, boy, there is a lot of intensity there and I have no clue what to do.  If you show small children different adults with different non-verbal gestures and postures that we as adults can read well, they cannot.  The small children came out of the womb three years ago!  Seriously!  They laugh and smile because they don’t know how else to react!  Or, they imitate you and react being angry back and then the parent is completely enraged that the child is reacting that way instead of reacting like a calm, rational adult who would say, “Of course I will help you pick up the big mess I made down.  In fact, why don’t you go put your feet up with a cup of tea!”  Children imitate what they see; their entire being is an eye at this point that takes everything in without a filter.

You have to be calm as a parent!  You must be able to detach yourself enough from your emotions to address the behavior you do not want, and to focus on the behavior you want in a creative way- through song, movement, helping the child through your GENTLE physical touch.  That is where they live!  They don’t live in the verbal commands you direct from the kitchen while you are doing something else!  Your ability to take care of yourself, to dialogue with your spouse or partner and family so they can help you, your relationship with your spouse or partner, your physical home, your health and diet and exercise habits all greatly impact this ability to be calm.   You need your inner work!   Look at the inner work series of Melisa Nielsen’s I just highlighted.    If you are burned-out, tapped-out, stressed out – it is much more difficult to remain calm and connected to your child in the moment.

Parenting is saying and doing the same thing over and over with the small child.  This is how they learn, and it takes time.  They do not have the impulse control or logical thought when they are small to do otherwise.

Also, to have realistic expectations is EXTREMELY important.  You may be expecting something completely out of the realm of normalcy for that age.  The minute those “My child SHOULD be able to _____” starts in your head, breathe and take a step back!  I wrote one post regarding realistic expectations regarding the four-year-old and we will take a peek at some other realistic expectations for different ages next post in this series.

Many, many blessings,

Carrie

  Getting children outside is a key part of daily rhythm.  In a few of the previous posts, I mentioned that I bank on a extraordinary amount of outside time for small children under the age of 7.  Young children need these sensory experiences of being in their bodies, pushing, pulling, tugging, lugging, digging, moving, rolling in order to establish their lower 12 senses in the proper foundation for later academic experiences.

Since pictures are worth a thousand words, here are a few of my children on a Playdate with Nature: (many thanks to my friend Samantha Fogg for taking these pictures!):

Here is a very, very  popular post regarding connecting your child to nature:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/24/connecting-your-children-to-nature/

Check it out if it has been awhile since you read it; it may spark some ideas anew.

We can start in infancy with our babies by letting them nap outside and getting them outside every day.  Nokken in Denmark has a good model for this, see more here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/31/nokken-a-review-of-two-books-and-a-few-thoughts/

Toddlers and preschool-aged children need time outside every day with sand, water, mud, grass and sticks to just play and be in nature.

Here are my two favorite resources for children Kindergarten aged (age 5  through older) regarding nature exercises to heighten the senses:

http://www.amazon.com/Sharing-Children-Anniversary-Revised-Expanded/dp/1883220734/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253879640&sr=8-1

and this resource by Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool:

http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/essential-christopherus-publications/from-nature-stories-to-natural-science.html

These two books will give you lots of fodder for nature.  If this post sparks questions in your head regarding the Waldorf approach to Science, I am a Science person and have written about this topic numerous times on this blog for your reading pleasure.

Many blessings, and get your children outside!

Carrie

Sometimes I am on the Mothering Community Forums.  What I see in some  of the threads over there is that mothers who want to homeschool recognize that they have  a “restless” toddler (ie, the 18 to 24 month-old)   whom they think needs more stimulation – and then they try to channel that into a curriculum or some sort of head-oriented work.

Possibly another place to start is to consider a rhythm to your day.

The easiest way to start a rhythm is to work around waking up times, rest/nap times, bedtimes and meal times.  After these things are down and consistent, then work towards regular times to be outside daily and what practical work one does on what day of the week.  Then one can work toward festival preparation for whatever festivals speak to you and your family.

A rhythm is not a scheduled noose around your neck but rather an idea of what occurs when and a way to keep a  balance in your day of in-breath and out-breath.

Many wee people under the age of 7, because they are or should be living in their bodies, do not get nearly enough outside time.  I would say four hours a day is not in the least too much for the under 7 child!  This time is out-breath, but there should also be time to have quiet time, listen to a story or other in-breath activities within the day.  There needs to be a balance for the small child who often is prone to excess in either wanting all out-breath or all in-breath activities.  You may need to look at yourself and see what you tend to model as well!  Do you display a good balance of in- and out -breath?

There are two other issues that frequently come up with the subject of rhythm.  One is that the mothers themselves who have irregular rhythms and perhaps have childhoods that were devoid of rhythms have difficulty with the whole concept.  They truly feel it is like the noose around their neck!  Remember, a rhythm is not a schedule with times – it is a flow of the day, of the week and of the month.

So, I would say to those mothers is that a rhythm is adjustable, but also a great opportunity to work on YOURSELF.  Can you get to bed at the same time every night?  Try it for ten days and work on your own self-discipline!  Then work on your morning routine, your meal times and the whole notion of quiet time.  Baby steps!

The second issue that comes up is “How Do I Fit Everything In?”  Well, here is the rub.  You cannot do it all!  I still find mothers of children under the age of 7 are planning too many things within their homeschool, and also too many outside activities.

Can you run your errands for groceries once a week either on a weekend when your husband can keep the children?  Or could you go at night after the children are asleep?  Or could your husband do the grocery shopping?   Can you have dry goods delivered to your door?  Would a friend be willing to do part of your list at one store if you do part of their list at a different store if you feel you must go to two stores?

What about health-related errands?  Many folks have chiropractic or homeopathic appointments or allergy shots or something that has to occur weekly.  How will you fit those in?

How many things are you personally involved in?  And how many things are your children involved in?  Because let’s face it, whatever your children are involved in are also your activities (on top of the activities you feel are really your own!)  Do you have anything for yourself at all?  I think this is important as well; something to call your own!

What age do your children get to start activities in your family?  Many mothers seem to sign their smaller children up for something because the older children are doing something.  This is not a good reason to sign a four-year-old up for something! It may be better to say, “Yes Jimmy, and you will do something like that too when you are seven like your big brother!”

I have also written on this blog before about how a four-year-old, a five-year-old, etc can be very content with simple things as opposed to lots of outside “field trips”.  They will get so much more out of excursions to places when they are over 7.  When they are four, a whale shark at the aquarium may hold their interest for ten minutes and then the kid down the aisle who has a piece of gum, the woman’s red sweater and the whale shark all register about the same on the Awe Scale.  Think about it carefully and watch and observe your child.

The caveat to all this is that children who are 7 and 8 years of age and older, while still needing protection from fatigue, DO need to start getting out and seeing some things.  Every family will handle this need differently as they balance the needs of the younger children to be home, but it is worth thinking about!

There are many, many posts on this blog about rhythm and creating rhythm.  Have a look under the rhythm tag in the tags box.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Sleep and rest are extremely important cornerstones of Waldorf parenting and education, and one area that it seems many attachment parents struggle with.  Let’s take a closer look at sleep today and see if we can improve things for all members of the household!

First of all, a Waldorf perspective is that a small child may be born without much rhythm to their sleep and wake cycles.  I think that  those of us with what the Attachment Parenting’s movement terms “higher needs” infants, toddlers and children can attest to that many times the lack of rhythm seems to almost carry on through past the point where it is biologically protective.  For example, we don’t want a small baby, or even a baby up until 10 months or so sleeping through the night.  You say, wow, 10 months, really?  Why 10 months?  Because studies have shown that breastfeeding babies at 10 months are receiving ONE-QUARTER of their calories at night!  Many people say their babies “self-weaned” under a year and I think this is due to a highly distractible baby in many cases who is completely wrapped up in gross motor movement during the day and not as interested in nursing – and if they are sleeping through the night, that really cuts down on their calories!  Remember, human milk is the number one source of calories throughout the entire first year if not LONGER!   So I don’t want to shortchange that.  I also don’t want to have a 2 to 5 month old baby who sleeps through the whole night when the risk of SIDS is highest.  However, do remember that many in the medical community do regard “sleeping through the night” as a five-hour stretch, not the seven to nine hour stretch many of  us regard as a full night’s sleep!

However, there is something to be said regarding gently helping your child to establish sleep and wake cycles.   A child who is very irregular and has no rhythm may really need your help in this area!   For those of us attachment parenting with multiple older children along with babies,  many of us have found it easier to have a napping child in a sling while we do things with older children as opposed to “getting the baby” to bed multiple times a day and then work toward that as the number of naps decreases.  Even after a nap is “gone” (and I daresay in the olden days children did nap for longer than they seem to today!), we replace it with quiet time for the children and ourselves.  Especially with homeschooling, one needs this break!  And children need to learn the value of being quiet without someone or something electronic entertaining them!

Here are some posts regarding sleep from an attachment parenting perspective:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/   including parameters for safe co-sleeping and includes an interesting dialogue about what happens if co-sleeping doesn’t work for you!

And here are some posts from a Waldorf perspective:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/12/bringing-rhythm-to-your-baby/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/14/part-two-of-a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/13/a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

I would love to see a lot of dialogue on this topic; sleep becomes a crucial part of teaching with the Waldorf educational process with the three-day rhythm, so these are important issues to think about early on!

Blessings,

Carrie