Author Archives: Carrie

Renewal: Relationship With Your Spouse

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Almost every month I write a post on this topic, but it is so important it bears repeating every month!  How are you and your spouse doing?  Are you strong and unified and having fun or are things tense and battle-like?

Here are some questions/ ideas for this month: 

  • What is the one little nice thing you do for your spouse each and every day in front of your children?
  • When is the time you and your spouse get to sit down and have a conversation?
  • How often are you intimate?
  • How often do you compliment your spouse?  I have read studies (who does these?) that men need an average of ten compliments a day.  Do you even come close to that?
  • How often do you laugh together?
  • How is the work around the house shared by both of you?
  • How often are you plain in asking your husband what you need?  My husband often says to me, ” Honey, just tell me what you need and I will help you!  Even after almost 18 years of marriage, I can’t read your mind!”  Yep, men are not generally mind-readers!
  • What do you and your spouse love to do together?
  • What does your family do spiritually together?  Does your husband say a blessing over your meal?  Is there some special way your children see both of you honor spirituality in your home?

I do not think it is necessary to leave your baby or a toddler who has separation anxiety at home whilst you go out to “have time together.”  Your children grow up so quickly, it really is a short time.  Have a date at home after you put the children to bed!  If your children are older and you have trusted family, how about a morning or afternoon date – many times that is much more successful than going out in the  evening until the children are older…

I think the other important thing to consider in the midst of this topic of renewal with your spouse is renewal with yourself!  If you are feeling close to burned out, this is important to consider.

Just a few thoughts tonight.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Sibling Fighting

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This post is geared toward children aged 7 or 8 and their younger siblings…Sometimes it can seem as if there is bickering or fighting much of the day, especially when the younger child hits about 4 or 5.

What to do?

Here are a few thoughts, in no particular order:

1.  Always go back to looking at your rhythm; are you holding the space enough?  Are you present enough?  Many times when the children are just playing all day, they need something more structured to hang their hat on for a bit, and then some time of free play, and then something with a bit more structure.  The “structured” part doesn’t have to be anything insane; perhaps you all go for a walk together, play salt dough molding or crayoning together; perhaps you all cook something together.  Just something where you, as the parent, are involved and engaged and present.

2.  It is difficult to leave small children unsupervised; if you are in the kitchen baking and they are in their room playing, things may go well or they may not.  It may be worth it to think through what your thoughts are as to where the children can and cannot be when you are doing something; it may force you to look at the usage of space in your home such as do you have an area in which they can play in the kitchen?  How can you be present with them?  What part do they have in your work?

3.  Outside time.  I cannot stress the importance of outside time enough.

4.  Who is in a stage of developmental disequilibrium and what do they need to function best?  More rest, more outside time, more one on one time with you?  How are they eating and what are they eating?

5.  They may not be able to “work it out”.  Children under the age of 9 are pretty immature when it comes to “working it out” (sometimes mature first-born girls can be an exception and be fair).  You need to be there to help.  And to be helpful, you cannot judge what is going on.   You can distract, re-direct, and listen!

6. If this is usually  happening around dinner time, here are some suggestions and pick and choose what resonates with you:  start dinner earlier in the day with a crock pot or by at least doing prep work for dinner after lunch; make sure dinner is not too late; look at what activities are occurring around dinner time and can those be moved at all so you are not rushed; and here is the biggie:  ALL HANDS ON DECK!  Everyone eats, so everyone should be helping to get dinner ready, to set the table, to take out the scraps to the compost pile, and everyone should be helping to clear the table and do the dishes.  Chores are often the least-used method of guiding family bickering, and yet doing chores whilst you are PRESENT (NO SENDING A FOUR OR FIVE OLD OFF TO DO CHORES ALONE!) is one of the most effective methods of keeping everyone out of trouble.  🙂

7. Respect how your children feel in the moment, but DON’T read too much  into it and think their future relationship as adult siblings is going to be permanently marred by this single interaction…  Children are going to say they hate their brother or sister.  Try to help your child move forward with a hug and warmth and “Wow, that is so hard.  Something he/she did really upset you!”  Don’t add a whole lot of words into it for them either. Sometimes just saying it, and getting it out is enough.    “You REALLY didn’t like that!”     “That really bothered you!”

You can always “fall back” on a “house rule”, but this means you must have “house rules.”  Things that just are not acceptable in your family.  What are those things?  For those of you with tiny one and two year olds who are the oldest child in the family, you are MODELING those house rules for them more than just saying words and expecting them to obey your words.

8.  For those children who are a bit older and have a steady stream of complaints, you have a right to not hear all of it!  Sometimes we are just “full”, we have heard them and we will carry their feelings with us but now it is time to peel the carrots, etc.    See if you can involve them in physical work with their hands!  I have also  moved on into repetitive chores and told my kids they could draw it or go outside and tell the trees or tell the dog, but I was full for the moment. (PS, and to get your children to do this on their own, you may have to model it for them when YOU are angry! LOL). I tell them I will be ready to discuss it again after “X” but not right now.

9.  Listening is the best cure. Judging doesn’t help; most at likely you don’t know the little one was torturing the bigger child (or vice versa) up until this incident happened. With the children closer to nine, take up a pencil and write all the complaints down and read it back to them.  Don’t judge it, just read it back.  Sometimes they just want to be sure you heard them.

10.  Check out what kind of language or name-calling goes on in your house.  I have seen husbands and wives call each other some pretty nasty things when they were upset.  There should be a rule of being polite across the board, and when someone is angry, that person needs to chill out before we can even discuss the problem. Discussing things in the heat of anger rarely, if ever, solves anything, because no one can be calm or rational or discuss anything.  So see how you and your husband handle being irritated and angry. 

11. Are you comparing your children?  Again, not helpful and often leads to incredible resentment.  With older children, you can describe what you see.  With younger children, stop using so many words.  You also describe what you think the child would be feeling, such as “You must be proud of the picture you drew!” for the older child.

12.  Fair and equal can be very, very important.  Try to stress what the individual child needs.  “So you are hungry and would like more?” in response to the wailing of “He got two more apples slices than me!!”

13.  Stop labeling.  Those of you with only two children, please erase the “big boy” or “big girl” and “baby” terms.  Children move forward, regress and run the gamut in between.  Accept where they are….

I am sure I will think of more to say later; but that is not a bad start.

Blessings,

Carrie

Looking For Your Discipline Challenges

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What discipline challenges are you currently facing?  I am especially interested in those of you who have babies/toddlers and also those of you who have children who are over the age of eight.  What help do you need with gentle discipline?

Please leave a comment in the comment box if there is a particular concern you would like to see addressed…there really is no question too small because if you have a question about that, I am sure someone else does as well.

I believe as a community of mothers we should all help each other and give back to each other.  Therefore, thank you  for sharing  your “challenging” areas with us, and here’s to future blog posts!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Computer Time

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Ah, managing the beast……

No, I am not talking about my huge dog who is now learning to pull a cart, LOL!  I am talking about  this wonderful tool, this wonderful place to connect and get information, but that which  has the potential to be addicting in a way: our friend the computer!   It’s funny, but I don’t really know anyone my age or younger that has an issue managing watching television, but almost everyone I know has a harder time managing the computer.

I asked some questions in the past about computer usage here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/08/a-vacation-away-from-the-computer/

It is so easy to turn on the computer and get sucked in for hours more than you intended, isn’t it?  All those beautiful Waldorf blogs and all those rabbit trails!  All those things we MIGHT need for future homeschooling grades that we should be storing in files!  And the thing is, when we are on the computer, I think our children can really feel our life forces  just being whisked away from them.  If we are on the computer at night, we are not meditating, praying, reading, or most importantly, giving our husband the attention he deserves.

So, during these forty days of renewal between Easter and Ascension, how about experimenting with some rules of usage for yourself in relation to the computer?

  • You could plan only certain days of the week to be on the computer
  • You could plan to only check it at a certain time of the day.
  • You could plan to cut back and scale back to a few very essential blogs/yahoo groups plus your email to check daily.
  • You could set a timer for when you are on the computer and get off when the timer goes off.

In this forty days of renewal, I would love to hear how all of you are managing your computer time these days. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Commit Yourself to Gentle Discipline

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During this forty days of renewal,  re-commit yourself to gentle discipline!

Look  at your child as this small being who has a completely different consciousness than an adult and work with that child to guide that child and leave everyone’s dignity intact.  Small  children really don’t look at things the same way that you do as an adult, because they do not have logical reasoning.  No matter how verbal they are, they still have a different consciousness than you do as an adult if they are small. 

You are the leader, the guide, on this journey because you have more years of living.    Commit yourself to looking at discipline as guiding instead of punishing.  You are trying to raise a capable, responsible, loving, compassionate adult.  Please do not give them a childhood that lands them distanced from you, please do not give them a childhood where they feel badly for being a child and being immature and making mistakes because that is what all children are and that is what all children do.

Think of connection and attachment as your number one key to discipline.  There are going to be rough spots, places of disequilbrium as your child grows.   Your child is not you, your child is not the psychological extension of you, and this can be painful as your child grows.  But please don’t mistake the fact that a child can have their own mind, their own will, as something that is horrible that should be broken.  You are there to guide and work with this child, not to break this child!

Here are your helpers in the guiding of a small child under the age of six: (these are in no special order).

1. Connection and attachment

2.  A good rhythm with lots of outside time – hours of outside time a day!

3.  A healthy diet and rest and sleep.

4.  Low stimulation

5.  Less words on your part,  more action, more imaginative phrasing than just a direct verbal command.  I wrote a post on using your words like a paintbrush to paint a picture just a few days ago:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/01/talking-in-pictures-to-small-children/

6.  Having the child make restitution for their mistakes if it is fixable

7.  Having realistic expectations for the child’s age.

8.  Warmth toward this child on your part – the more the child is acting out of sorts, the more you need to connect with this child.

9.  The setting of boundaries that are not movable. You can still be gentle and set a boundary.  They are going to push against the rhythm, against the boundary,  and you can still be gentle.

10.  A parental time-out when you need it.

11. Time-in when they need it.  There are quite a few posts on this blog about time-in. 

12.  You taking care of yourself!  A frazzled mommy cannot effectively and gently guide their small child.  Take a breather and slow down. 

13.  The ability to forgive yourself and start over the next minute if you need to.  It is never too late to start over, to collect your child and connect to your child. 

What would you add to this list?  Leave a comment in the box below!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Renewal: Rhythm

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So, we will be taking these forty days between Easter and Ascension as our time to discuss all things related to the renewal of your life and your family culture.  For today, I want to circle back around to rhythm.

I think many Waldorf homeschoolers are feeling this sense of renewal regarding rhythm!    Melisa Nielsen had a lovely post here about “Rhythm Or Routine”: http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2010/04/rhythm-or-routine.html .   Everything she says is right on!  I especially liked the part where Melisa talks about developing our own will enough to STAY HOME.  When you have children under the age of eight, it is important that you firmly entrench children in the home.  It is important that they learn how to create their own play and fun at home instead of relying on going, going, going, to stimulate themselves and to change their emotions.

In a family, there is a daily rhythm, a weekly rhythm, and a yearly rhythm.  This is there whether you create it or not, so I feel it is worth it to take an intentional look at these areas along with parenting.

The yearly rhythm is celebrated through the festivals of the year and is seen as a yearly process of in-breath and out-breath. How you implement this is up to you, I find it lovely to celebrate with the liturgical year of our church.

For a weekly rhythm, one must decide how many days a week one is going to go outside of your home/yard/neighborhood (because even if we stay home we still go outside for many hours a day!).  This is important for small children, to be home,  and it is also important in homeschooling once you reach the grades..  If you are interested in homeschooling, I would say it is very difficult, if not impossible,  to throw homeschooling on top of a completely chaotic flow of events to the day, and also on top of a chaotic house that is cluttered and dirty.  No, your home does not have to be perfect, we actually live in our houses because we are home!  However, keeping the house up and running is part of the rhythm to it all, and in order to do that, we have to be home.  We need to plan when to get groceries, what to cook,  when to do laundry, when to run errands,  so that not everything is completely last minute.  Therefore, it is never too early, nor too late,  to create a bit of an order or flow that suits your family life.

For a small child, the weekly rhythm includes what PRACTICAL work takes place when and planning on your part regarding HOW they may be included.  In cleaning, can they scrub the bathtub whilst taking a bath?  Can they manually grind a cup of flour to add to more flour to bake bread?  Can they use water to clean the sidewalk whilst you plant flowers? 

For a daily rhythm, this is where one needs to think about the flow of the day for times of in-breath and times of out-breath.  For example, when will rest and meal times will be, and when bedtimes and awake times will be?  If the baby needs a nap, will they sleep in a sling?  If you put them to sleep in a room, where will your older children be and what will they be doing?  When are the outside times and when is it time to tell a story?

But most importantly, how will you show reverence and the sacred parts of life throughout these rhythms of life?  When will there be singing and joy, when will there be silence, when will there be time to go outside and look at one small bug or bird and listen and feel the wind?  Reverence and gratitude is the thread that winds itself through all of these yearly, weekly, and daily rhythms. 

Many blessings during these forty days of renewal,

Carrie

More About Easter in the Waldorf Home

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Mrs. Marsha Johnson wrote about this on her list, for those of you who are not members of list, please go sign up here:  waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com.  This is a lovely perspective on celebrating Easter in the Waldorf Home, even if you are not Christian. 

Here is what Mrs. Johnson wrote:

“As Easter approaches, many people begin to wonder about the role of this festival in their homes….memories of traditional religious practices resurface, concerns about melding two streams of traditions often arise, we wonder about the seemingly cruel aspects to the Christian history of Jesus, affixed to the cross of wood, a far more violent and cruel story than any Grimm’s tale, really.

How do we, as parents and adults in 2010, recognize the fundamental need for the sacred in our lives, in our children, in our communities? A need as deep as hunger, as real as weather, as great as other basic human needs.
Many turn to the voracious maw of the commercial devils, waiting with open grasping bony fingers to take attention and focus into their own mad schemes of materialism and self-gratification…buying gifts, buying toys, buying or even making a literal mountain of things to add into the already present mountain of things that occupy every square inch of giant Mc-Mega style homes. Store windows, mail order, on line, shopping screams at us to purchase our festival happiness and then we sit, in the discarded packaging, wondering where the Normal Rockwell moment went.

Children need to feel the divine, to see the sacred, to experience the feeling that reverence has value, that we can ‘perceive’ the invisible power of the cosmos, that we are held indeed by the larger impossibly infinite unknown, the sacred.

 

How can you help your children, your class, your community to feel this sacred allowance, this space dedicated to the ‘temple’, the room that has been allotted and set aside for the ‘shrine’? Shall we rise above the commercial and the material and create a real home for the sacred in our festivals and in our homes?

 
Yes, we can do this. We can take a small table and cover it with the seasonal colors, for Easter, using soft chick yellows and golds, along with fresh lily purples and whites, and we can drape that small table and add a few elements that remind us of the events hand, times remembered, perhaps a few small wooly lambs, or carefully made beeswax lilies with green leaves, a small vase with a few easter egg bright tulips, some small dishes filled with dirt and wheat grass planted, and a candle, rising, in a small candle holder…here we can place a tiny dish of thorns perhaps taken from the rose bush, along with a few hips left over, bright red, from last fall, that help us visually recall that nothing comes without great striving and challenges in this life, nothing is sewn together without a few pokes from a sharp sticker, we can accept this situation in a visual sense without lengthy verbosity, feeling inherently that the soft wooly lambs and chicks recognize the sharp thorns of the rose….

Creating a special space, and then before supper, to gather in the soft dusky time of eve, to stand before this space and light the candle and quietly speak of old Easters, remembered customs, those people who made it all happen, how it was to find a hand made sugar egg with a scene inside on the table every Easter morning, how it was to rise before sunrise to go to the service on the hill in the dark, how it felt to sit with the Passover table and how grand-dad made everyone laugh with his antics, how sweet the dishes were, how the country home or the city apartment resonated with our love and those loved ones, now out of sight and away in the starry heavens…

Besides the sacred table or corner, you can also create some rhythms with routines that fill that need in your family during these special times of year: a walk through a deep forest at a certain time, a visit to a recognized holy space or shrine, a grotto, a labyrinth, a special geographic location that has meaning in the greatest sense of the world. Holding hands in a circle and saying aloud a small prayer, a verse, a song, a poem, giving space to individual contributions and allowing children to really feel part of such a ceremony will have positive life long consequences.

Bringing love and light to the children, even for a few minutes, is just as important in parenting as are food, shelter, clothing, encouragement, guidance, financial support, and so on. Doing nothing is really a kind of deprivation in my point of view. Take responsibility as the parents of that child or those children and make some decisions about your plan to provide for the sacred and then commit to those traditions and keep them alive for your dear ones.

Not much, really, to do as some kind of onerous task. Just gathering, holding hands, lighting a candle and a simple verse, can allow the child to feel closely held by the eternal arms of the sacred.
Mrs M

Hope you enjoyed that perspective!”

I added the bolded areas; and I hope you too enjoyed that.  It is worth contemplating for the next 40 days, this time of renewal between Easter and Ascension:  what is your spiritual path? How do you show this to your children?  How is the sacred manifested in your life?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Talking In Pictures To Small Children

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A small child under the age of seven needs to hear you paint a picture with your words instead of a direct command.  This can really be a very difficult thing for us to do as adults, and as such we find ourselves barking commands (politely, of course :)) at our small children all day long.  “Come to breakfast!”  “Use the potty!”  “Get your shoes on!” “Now please!”  “Stop doing that!”  Even if we frame things positively and say what we do want, the point is that a million times a day we are asking our child to do something.  And when we only use a command, we are essentially giving the small child a chance to think, a chance to decide their behavior, and then we get angry when they don’t do what we want when we want it.  How funny how that goes.

Small children are often in a fantasy, imaginative world much of the day as they play and create games.  They are not adults, they do not view time as adults do, they do not have the sense of urgency that you do.  And nor should they.

A small child lives in the physical realm and in their bodies.  So, to most effectively parent, we must reach to that for the small child as often as possible instead of playing commander, or worse yet, trying to drive the car with our horn by yelling at the small child. 

Here are some examples:

  • Think of animals that involve what you need.  Can the child hop like a bunny, run as fast as a roadrunner bird, swim like a fish?  Can they open their big  crocodile mouths to have all those teeth brushed?  Can you be a bear that needs a big winter coat ?  (And as you say this, you help put the child’s arm into the coat)….It is the imaginative movement plus the physical piece that gets it all done.
  • Can you involve their dolls or their imaginary friends?   Quietly take their favorite doll and start to get it ready for bed and sing to the doll. “ You and Tim (the imaginary friend) can sit right for dinner “( and lead the child by the hand to the table).
  • Can you employ gnomes, fairies, giants, leprechuans?  Today a four- year- old and I looked for leprechuan shoes by my back door….  Oh, look at these leprechuan shoes sitting here, do these fit YOU?  Oh my, look at the turned up toes on your shoes, I wonder if those shoes will lead you to a pot of gold!  How about gnomes exploring the mouth cave for teeth brushing?  Big giant steps to settle into a big giant bed?

You do not have to do this to the point where it is tiring to you, but do try here and there, because I find most parents employ very little imagination with their children during the day and the children really do respond to it well and do just what needs to happen.

Your part though, is to plan enough time so things are NOT rushed.  Rushing is the death of imagination and the beginning of stress.  Please plan ahead! 

Also, rhythm is your friend.  It is in that space to help you and your child.  If you do something different every night to get ready for a meal, to get ready for bed, what cues does your child have for when things are going to happen?  Again, their sense of time and urgency is not that of an adult.  Also, please seriously evaluate how many places you are dragging a small child.  Are these places for them or errands and would your child just rather be home?   I am just asking you to consider this piece of the puzzle; only you know the answer for you and your family. 

The last piece is the physical end of it, DOING something with a child whilst using the imagination and movement goes much better!  Yes, it is tiring that that is what small children need.  But better to do that than to complain and moan and groan that your small child, who is perfectly  normal, is “not listening”. 🙂

Try it out, I think you will find life to be much easier. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

How To Make A Decision About Homeschooling

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It is that time of year…the time when parents start to think about homeschooling!  Contracts may be due back at private school, or you may be interested in not sending your child to school next year.  You have thought about homeschooling, read some things on the Internet, but you are still deciding.

I am very pro-homeschooling.  Specifically,  I am very pro Waldorf homeschooling, bur  this is directed toward anyone investigating homeschooling, no matter what method they intend to use (although you may see my leanings come out here and there, LOL!)

1.  Find out the laws in your state!  Many times parents are panicked about “homeschooling” their small children, only to find out the law in their state says that compulsory schooling starts at age six or something.  You need to know the laws, how to file for homeschooling, what the requirements are and if you really need to be doing anything other than living together at all!

2.  If you don’t know what method you are going to use to homeschool, you must investigate.  Go to your library, or on-line and look at ALL the options.   Really understand what drives some of these methods if their is an underlying philosophy, and look BEYOND the Kindergarten years if you only have small children.      Homeschool is NOT about re-creating a classroom in your house (although some people do!)…There are many, many advantages to homeschooling and using the home as a learning environment – things can be much more practical and hands-on than in a classroom.  You can involve a lot of cooking, gardening, building, hands-on science.  Please do, (and this is just  my basis coming out, so fair warning), think about more than just worksheets or “school in a box” or “a math program.”  Think about human development, think about a holistic approach.

3.  Understand that if your child is coming home from school OR if you are switching homeschooling methods, it can take six months (or some estimates say two months for every month your child was in school even!) to really relax into homeschooling.  So my advice is to start SIMPLE, and to plan to time around holidays, family trips, etc.

4.  If you have very small children, consider the approach you want to take carefully and how you feel  about when and how academics  should be introduced.  How do you feel about art, music, movement, nature?  Are these things integral to you and to your child’s development?  Is your approach regarding education more a “fill them up” or “it will unfold with support”? 

5.  Start with establishing a basic rhythm to your home with mealtimes, nap times, bedtimes, outside time, working together – part of schooling at home means helping with meals, cleaning up the house, etc.  Those things are part of school and of life. 

6.  Please, please do understand that the “pre-K” through second grade phase can be pretty relaxed. Look at the standards for your state or neighboring states; skills are just being developed.  I find many parents freak out a bit with their first child (or they have a little person in Kindergarten who thinks they need to keep up with big brothers and big sisters!) and are just not relaxed at all and are much too strict and moving too fast.  Develop depth and flexibility in your teaching.  Learning should be fun!

Please add your suggestions for parents, especially for those with very small children, in the comment box; I would love to hear from you!

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Discipline For Preschoolers 3-5 Years”: “Discipline Without Distress”

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We have followed the anthroposophical book “Tapestries” on this blog, which is a look at the seven-year cycles through the adult life span, and we are slowly making our way through this book.  I want to finish this book up as I would like to move forward to our new book soon!  Stay tuned for a surprise announcement as to what that next book will be!

Judy Arnall kicks off this chapter by reminding us of the world of the preschooler.  Children this age: are  learning about reality versus fantasy (although I would argue that elements of that fantasy world hang on strongly until the nine-year change; how many six and seven year olds still believe in Santa; how many still have that innate ability to feel one with nature?  But I digress..);   are having experiences with the natural consequences of their behavior:are  becoming aware of power and are  learning about that by engaging in power struggles (please do NOT confuse this with willful manipulation or defiance!  If you need a primer on “defiance” in the under seven crowd please see this post to help you out: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/ ); beginning to learn about socially acceptable behavior; beginning to learn about rules (Carrie’s note: the knowledge of right and wrong really begins at about age five and it is just beginning; your three and four year olds  still don’t have a great grasp on it all!); are engaging in fantasy play and may have imaginary friends and such; may lie as a result of wishful thinking and fantasy but NOT MALICE (remember, four year olds are Master Boasters and Exaggerators, not liars! :))

She runs through the developmental milestones for age three (here are posts on this blog about that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/   and this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/18/three-year-old-behavior-challenges/   and realistic expectations for a three year old here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/28/realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/).  She mentions improved appetite, using a fork (although I know many a four year old who would rather eat with their hands :)), very, very active; may drop afternoon nap, can take off all clothes and put on simple clothes; imitates speech of others, can peddle a tricycle.  Judy mentions a three year old can play cooperatively with children. I disagree, unless there are other adults to model off of and hold that space  or older children about to help carry it all. There is a reason school used to start around age five!   She mentions children this age  are beginning to express feelings with words, that three year olds are egocentric in thought and action with some empathy beginning to develop, anxious to please, accepts self as an individual.  The author also writes that no logical reasoning is present, a child this age believes inanimate objects are real, and  that “mythical and magical explanations are readily accepted for natural phenomena”, attention span is about fifteen minutes. 

For the four and five year old milestones, she notes such things as proficient with fork, spoon and cup (and again, I know many four and five year olds who would be  very content to eat with their fingers :)); no naps but sleeps 12 hours at night; very active with skipping and hopping on one foot; can throw overhand, can ride a scooter or two wheeled bike with training wheels (and some can ride a bike without training wheels as well is my note); hates to lose games, beginning of sex identification; has beginning emotions tied to social interaction with others such as guilt, insecurity, envy, confidence, humility; begins to respect simple rules (Carrie’s note is that four is the height of many out of bounds behavior, see the defiance post!); tensional outlets can be high, very honest and blunt; don’t really understand cause and effect at all; asks many questions about everything; beginning to distinguish between edible and non-edible substances; sentences are three and four words long; memory is rote and must start from the beginning to remember items in their order such as numbers or song verses; often confuses sequences of events; attention span is about 20 minutes.  Judy Arnall writes, “Does not recognize limits.  Just beginning to learn them.”  “Learning self-control but takes much practice.”  For further information about the four year old, see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/discipline-for-the-four-year-old/  and for the five-year-old see here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/    

She writes an UNHELPFUL parenting behavior is “Expecting more reason, understanding, and logic at this stage.  Not within the child’s capacity yet.”  Ways to parent helpfully for a child of this age include responding to questions simply, teaching and modeling appropriate behavior, talking about a limit (and I would add along with physical re-direction; words alone are not going to do it!); having predictable routines and rituals; nurturing child through touch, words, actions, feelings; parental self-care and all the helpful behaviors she listed in the babies and toddlers chapters.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCIPLINE TOOL FOR THIS AGE ( I would say outside of CONNECTION) is the ability to set a boundary and stay with that boundary.  You must honor your words, you must have thought things through ahead of time, and if you agree to do something, you must do it.  Judy does mention, “Again, at this age, use as few words as possible.”  (page 248). This backs up my view that we work with the BODIES of small children.    The author advocates choices; I would say many children do not do well with choices at this age and become frustrated as they pick something and then want the other thing, etc.  Please do think about what works for your child.  “Tell your children exactly what specific descriptive behavior you expect.”  I would add, SHOW THEM, do it WITH them.  This is important.  Judy Arnall advocates asking reflective questions; I think less questions for this age group actually.  The author talks about how changing the environment, so effective for younger ages, still works wonders for this age group.  Other helpful tools mentioned include parental time-outs, being polite and firm and kind, picking your battles and giving positive feedback.  There are other tools the author mentions, but I picked those out to highlight. 

Modeling is very important!  Judy Arnall writes, “Watch especially how you treat other people, from your partner all the way to the grocery clerk who gave you the wrong change.  Your children are picking up tone of voice, words, actions, and reactions, and they will copy them.”  “Modeling is such a powerful force, that it’s included as a tool in all age categories.  In fact, if all parents did was model correct behavior and didn’t correct their child on any negative behavior, children would be keen to learn how to behave properly in society, based on how the adults act.” Love this!

There is so much more in this chapter, including a checklist of natural consequences, a discussion regarding preschoolers and self-control, power struggles, how to nurture your child’s creativity, stages of play and how friendship evolves, timeless toys for all age groups, strategies to prepare your child for the arrival of a new baby, remedies for sibling rivalry, how to resolve issues without resentment, manners, chores or allowances or both?,  building a healthy self-esteem.

This is a great chapter, pick what resonates with you.  Parent with COURAGE!  You can do this!  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/05/parenting-with-courage/

Moving along to the six to twelve year old!

Many blessings,

Carrie