Author Archives: Carrie

Toddler Nights

Posted on by
12

Nights with a toddler can be challenging….Sometimes toddlers don’t fall asleep very easily or readily. Sometimes they fall asleep easily but then wake up frequently.  Sometimes they fall asleep easily but then wake up for a period of hours during the night and then go back to sleep.

The one thing you can count on in toddler nights is that it will change every night!

Many mothers ask about night weaning their toddlers, or how to get their toddlers to sleep longer. Here are some outside resources about toddler sleeping and toddler nights that you might find helpful for you and your family.  You are the expert on your family, so take what works for you and your situation:

These are some of the links I have found helpful over the years, and I hope you will enjoy them as well.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Restlessness And Forgetfulness In The Eight To Ten Year Old

Posted on by
10

It is rather odd to me that so many mainstream parenting resources focus solely on the developmental stages and phases of the toddler and preschooler, and once a child becomes the age of children in the grades, no one seems to think these children are growing or changing in significant ways anymore!  Yet, parents of children between the ages of  7  to 14 will tell you this is a time of  incredibly rapid change.

To me, two of the hallmarks of development in the time between ages 8 to 10 involves restlessness and forgetfulness. 

It is literally so difficult for the 8 to 10 year old to settle down, to sit down, to focus at times.  It is unreasonable to think that a child in this age range will be able to sit and write and read all day long like an adult.   They are not adults, and they need a lot of movement and time to release energy.  Ways to do this include spending time in nature; neighborhood games; probably less organized sports than one thinks but more  family fun such as hiking, roller blading, roller skating, skiing, swimming, climbing; lots of breaks for movement during school; many chances for movement and DOING to permeate the subjects we are teaching in drawing, modeling, map making, painting, making models.

This is completely unpopular, but I believe strongly that media and screens for this age should be limited.  There are too many other things in life they need to experience with their hands and their restlessness is a sign of this need.

Another place this can be in conflict for homeschoolers is that  it can be very easy to want to really ramp up academics in this age range because the child seems so much more mature than earlier.  If one is not careful it is easy to lose sight that children of these ages are really in the heart of childhood and that rational thinking is not yet quite there.  Hang on, and keep including many concrete and doing ways of addressing your academic subjects.

Forgetfulness is something that very much annoys parents of children this age.  You can ask a child of this age to do something and they will forget within a moment or two. 

One of the ways we can work with this is through RHYTHM.  If the order of every morning is that we get up, we have breakfast, we get dressed and brush our hair and teeth and make our beds, then the child can follow that.  Do try to pick an order to things that works for your children.  For example, you may wish that everyone would get dressed and make their beds before breakfast but everyone wakes up starving, so craft a rhythm that takes that into account.

Chores are important, but you simply must figure out what you will do regarding the forgetfulness and dawdling around chores and what the consequences of this will be.   I have seen very individual approaches from family to family.

I think the last area surrounding forgetfulness that can be helpful is to think about bringing in habits – habits that will build character through practical life.  This takes time, and it is easy to want to work on everything at once.  Pick one area and really focus on that for forty days and see how it becomes ingrained in the child.  Sometimes for the child in this age range it can be something quite small, such as going back to making sure hands are washed before dinner, since acts of hygiene often slip around this age.  Maybe it is speaking politely; these are ages where many parents complain about the tone in which children speak.

To me, sometimes this age needs a bit of a carrot. Not a bribe at all, but more a bit of incentive.  Haven’t you ever had a really long and rough day and thought how you would try to persevere through it because you were getting to go out that night to something special, or you were going to eat something special for dinner, or you were going to call a special friend on the phone, and it made the day just a bit more bearable? To me, that is different than a bribe that is announced and “you must do this to earn this”.  It is just an incentive of something lovely that helps all days go just a little bit better and helps us keep on track.

I cannot tell you how often to try an incentive, or what that incentive even should be per say as I think that is so individual to each family and each situation, but it is just something to think about.

Just a few thoughts to ponder today!

Many blessings,
Carrie

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma”–End of Chapter 6

Posted on by
2

The very last part of this chapter is entitled, “The “Special” Child Challenge”.  It opens with a scenario about a little boy called Eben who was born prematurely and as a result had faced a variety of physical problems that lasted into childhood and affected his ability to play and participate in everyday life.  His mother related how she tried so hard to hold it all together in front of him that she realized she never showed him some of her authentic emotions. 

Many of the long-time readers to this blog  know that I was born prematurely (and my husband was as well!), we also  have one daughter who was born prematurely and my work as a neonatal physical therapist involved feeding and development for infants in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  Children who are facing special challenges, whether these be physical or emotional or spiritual (and how can we tease every thing out so separately!  It is all part of the holistic human being!) are very close to my heart.

This chapter points out “many parents [of children with challenges] admit that the deeply felt emotions of rage, unfairness, and resentment never completely go away.  Even the strongest parents could find their anger triggered anew by a reminder that their disabled child would never experience – or share with them-the normal daily pleasures.”

The authors go on to point out that the anger some parents experienced lessened once they could let go of the “why” and the need to find answers and move more into acceptance and the realization that this challenge, whilst sad and upsetting at times, it is only a small part of the essence of the child.   The  child is bigger than “only” the disability or challenge.

I have known many parents and families whose children have had challenges that have been walking a long road in helping to heal their children.   I wondered how you felt about anger, special challenges, and what helps.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Developing Resiliency In Children

Posted on by
7

I have been thinking a lot lately about the development of resiliency in children.  Resiliency in childhood seems to be an area of great psychological research currently and if you start to search for it on the Internet a lot of information will come up.  Resiliency is essentially how a person sees challenges and obstacles in life; and how that person rises up to meet those challenges and obstacles.

The first place I saw this concept recently, (which spurred me to think more about it), was in this free on-line ebook called “Developmental Signatures” at the On-Line Waldorf Library.  I have mentioned it before in a back post, but here is the link to the 159- page book in case you want to read it for yourself:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/pg/focusSearch/focusSearch.asp?keywordType=general&keywordValue=developmental signature&page=1&showItem=1&ResourceID=1335

One thing that struck me in this book was the notion that the spirit, part of that three-fold organization of the human being that Steiner so eloquently lectured and wrote about, was treated in this book as having much to do with resiliency:

“The spiritual organization is strengthened to master problems through
experiences of coherence. It is an unconditional requirement for developing courage and security in life. In wellness research this is usually referred to as “resilience”  (Opp 1999). This means the individual can meet the hardships and adversities of life because he or she views them not as unchangeable facts, but as challenges that must be met. Resilience is rooted in the knowledge that one’s own forces will grow in strength through conflict and that challenges provide opportunities for self-development.”

Doesn’t this make you stop and think about yourself for a moment?  I mean, are you a resilient person?  When life, parenting or homeschooling throws you a curveball, can you muster up your own inner will and initiate solving problems or facing challenges?  How do you do that?  How do you model this for your children?  Do you see this quality in your older children at all?

In digging around, I found our friends at Resiliency Canada have already done quite some research into intrinsic and extrinsic pieces that make up resiliency and how parents can help.  To see more, try this link http://www.resiliencycananda.ca

Intrinsic qualities seem to involve the child feeling safe enough to express who he or she authentically is, with the child feeling capable and having a sense of purpose (uh, do you all remember a back post in which I asked if your child was gone what tasks would go undone?), self-control, social empathy and compassion, and an ability to accept the fact that not everyone is like themselves in terms of spirituality, or race or socioeconomic background.

We can help foster these intrinsic qualities, in my mind at least, by:

Connecting with our children and loving them for who they are, even if their behavior is not what we are searching for in the moment.  Behavior does not reflect upon the essential core of the child.  I think we need to show children how we make mistakes and how we fix things but yet still maintain the authority of being the parent.  Researchers also found a child’s participation in spiritual or religious activities was really important in developing these intrinsic qualities.

Extrinsic qualities, to me,  are supported by things outside of the child:  the family, friends, school life, communities and BOUNDARIES.  Researchers have pointed out that this means as parents we should be modeling  being healthy and functioning within the context of a family or community and having time to spend with their children. 

Here are some other interesting links I found regarding resiliency in children.

Here are tips for parents to help promote resilience in older children:  http://www.nasponline.org/publications/cq/cq343resiliencytips.aspx

10 ways to make your child more resilient: http://www.nasponline.org/publications/cq/cq343resiliencytips.aspx

The section on “Individual Factors”  in this article are especially interesting: http://www.practicenotes.org/vol3_no1/promoting_resiliency_in_families_and_children.htm

The ResilienceNet Virtual Library:  http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library.html

A Guide to Promoting Resilience in Children: http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html

I think Waldorf education and mindful parenting has a lot to offer in this area of creating resiliency for our children throughout the different seven year cycles of childhood.

Happy Reading!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Threefold Teaching For Your Waldorf Homeschool

Posted on by
3

One often reads in literature pertaining to Waldorf Education about a threefold structure occurring in  something in nature or in life. As a Christian, I often think of seeing this threefoldedness in life, the Trinity as a reflection of the Divine in what I see. What you might not have thought of is a threefold approach to how we teach within our homeschools.

Jorgen Smit elucidates this beautifully in his book, “Lighting Fires:  Deepening Education Through Meditation.”  He writes about the polarity in education today.  Some believe a teacher must have complete mastery of his subject and constantly developing these skills and be able to impart what he knows best to his students.   Other people believe that the attitude, the world outlook of the teacher is what is most important and that this religious or ethical belief is what really gives a backbone to education.  He goes through many examples of how these theories may or may not be true, but notes that one essential piece is what a person is doing right here and right now in their life.  He asks us as readers, “For in an actual situation there always arises the question as to how I can take the substance of my life into my own hands, so as to develop to a new stage beyond myself.” 

In teaching, it is not enough to master the material.  It is not even enough to know the material and be able to impart that to the children.  We must have the material permeate our souls, our lives, our thinking so it can be new and creative.  And we must have a feel for childhood development and when it is the right time to bring in this knowledge, and how to bring this knowledge into practical life for the children.  Steiner felt idealism would arise from experience and engagement in the world.

Anyway, the book I mentioned is wonderful book if you have not had the opportunity to read it.  My homeschooling group will be discussing this book over the weekend and I am so looking forward to it.  I hope to post some notes from our discussion.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Waldorf Perfect

Posted on by
25

This is the time of year when my homeschooling mothers get stars in their eyes looking at the different Waldorf curriculum choices, blogs, and they start to feel more than inadequate.

“We don’t have a good rhythm because my four year old cried over everything during the day and the baby needs to be changed about twenty times a day!”

“My house doesn’t look like those beautiful blogs!”

“I don’t feel calm in my house like a Waldorf teacher; I yell at the kids a lot.”

So, I am here, in my perfectly plant-dyed silk cape, to help you realize that “Waldorf Perfect” is a myth.  I wrote a post awhile back about “Hopeless With Waldorf” addressing these same sorts of issues.

I find the sweet “Waldorf-inspired”  mothers who have children under the age of 7 are often the mothers who are so interested in Steiner’s educational ideas but also seem to be the most impressionable.  Blogs, books, consultations, curriculum – you all have seen it or are looking at it all.  I worry a bit about this, because not one of these people who put out these products are perfect.  Some of the things you all are reading are not true to Waldorf Education or Steiner’s thoughts about education, but you don’t know these things are not really true or typical of Waldorf Education or Waldorf Parenting.  Somewhere along the line,  nature and beautiful surroundings of natural materials have become substituted for an actual curriculum.  It is not so much that Waldorf Education is as dogmatic as you might think, but there are essential truths to work with.  However, you have to know what some of these essential truths are in order to have discernment.

There are others of you who are really interested in Waldorf Education and Waldorf Parenting, but are really put off by the idea of limited to no media, or by not bringing in academics directly until first grade, or by being home more than you might think you want to be.  It is a journey, and I think if you can keep an open mind, then things go along.  I have seen some mothers who are attracted to Waldorf Education and Waldorf Parenting go every direction but for the reasons I just mentioned; they go off into Classical homeschooling or Unschooling or whathave you but eventually they circle right back around to where they started because the attraction is so strong for them.  They need the healing impulse of Waldorf Education right along with their children.

They still have to do the work to figure things out though. Sometimes it is just if you are ready to do the work now or ready to do it later.

But have you noticed that the common denominator in all of this is you?

So, I really encourage you to take the time to work on YOU.  YOU are the essential piece of the parenting and homeschooling puzzle, whether you are “Waldorf-inspired” or not.

I wrote a series of posts on Inner Work, I have written quite a bit about faith and religion and spirituality in parenting, and we are now talking about topics surrounding parental anger.  These are all good places to start.

You do not need a curriculum for the Kindergarten years.  I encourage homeschooling families to actually do only one or two years of “kindergarten” at home.  It may be your child’s five year old year or it may be your child’s six year old year depending upon when that child’s birthday falls.

The heart of the Waldorf Early Years at home include protection, warmth, giving the child something worthy to imitate, lots of practical work, singing, getting your child in their body through lots of physical activity outside and rhythm.  To this list, I would add a sense of community with other families starting at about age four and a half to five.  Four and a half was the traditional age Waldorf Kindergartens used to start children, and it is a good time to look for more social things that are short and have a little structure that the parents create,  not just “go off and play whilst I talk in the corner to all these other parents”.  If you need more social time, schedule it without your small children.

The heart of Waldorf is actually not play silks, wooden toys, having a perfectly plastic-toy free house.  These are all wonderful in and of themselves, but without the true heart of it, they can all become rather empty gestures.

Start with your inner work.  Start with rhythm.  Read some Steiner and see what you think. Let things digest.  Take the one thing that is most challenging for yourself right now, whether that be anger, having patience, setting boundaries and put those terms into the search engine box on this blog and read those posts and work on that one area for forty days.

Start and work in baby steps, and never, ever get intimidated that Waldorf Education and Waldorf Parenting is not for you because someone you don’t even know in real-life seems perfect.  I assure you they are not.  I am not perfect either!  We all have our strengths  and weaknesses and things we are striving for. 

Start somewhere, work with the essential truths of Waldorf Education and Waldorf Parenting, pare down your blog list and computer time and get out and just do it!

Many blessings,

Carrie

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma”–Chapter Six: “High Hopes And Shattered Expectations” Part One

Posted on by
Reply

I loved this chapter because I felt like it really got to the crux of so many parenting issues and challenges, and maybe even hits on some of the reasons parents get angry when they don’t know why they even feel angry.

The chapter opens with a picture of a two little boys.  One, an eight-year-old, wants to play instead of practicing the piano where the mother recognized how pleased she would be to sit in the audience and hear her son play beautifully.  The other scenario was of a little five year old in kindergarten who was having a harder time separating from his mother than the other children in the class.

“It’s so easy for us to get stuck in false ideals for our children, ideals based on what we’ve heard from others or the way we’ve seen others behave.  We’re embarrassed if our children don’t seem to be doing as well as we imagine other children are doing.”

The authors go on to say, “Often children need special help when they don’t easily adjust to their environment.  But what constitutes real help?  Sometimes when we think we are helping them, we are inadvertently communicating to them that they have let us down by not accomplishing what we think they should.  This message can damage a child’s self-esteem. Dorothy Corkill Briggs, a noted expert on the subject of self-esteem in children, writes in Experts Advise Parents, “If a child believes he is unlovable or lovable only on condition, he may develop all kinds of competence.  However, these skills are hollow victories.  No amount of competence ever substitutes for lovability…Each child needs to be cherished for his sheer existence.”  So the question becomes:  How can we learn to set aside our disappointment and relate to our children as unique individuals with special needs of their own?”

I found these pages really interesting.  I think there often can be a finer line than parents want to admit in meeting a child where they are and lifting that child up to where they need to go in terms of behavior.  I have seen parebts who have done a great job in connecting with that child and fostering love, but had such a hard time in expecting any right action from that child.

In terms of activities outside the home, I am sure we have all seen the split between parents who enrolled their children in all kinds of things at fairly early ages but also the parents who seemed to not want to let their children  spread their wings with activities or within the community at all.

I guess I found it interesting that the authors’ mixed parental anger regarding activities and how children manage (or not) parental expectations and the requirements for that activity (and whether this is intrinsic to the child or parent-pushed) and parental anger regarding behavior and developmental differences.  I think if I was the editor of this chapter I would have insisted these issues be addressed separately.  They seem like two very different things!

However, upon reading the next section of the chapter entitled, “Wanting The Best”, it struck me that the common ground between these two areas is that how parents do want the best for their children, and how do we as parents react when we feel disappointed in our children’s behavior, abilities, actions.  Do we meet it with anger or do we meet it with love?  Do we meet it with a sideways sort of plan to help lift the child up if this is needed, or do we lecture?  How can we be allies and the authority in our homes?

I would love to hear your experiences and also thoughts on this chapter if you are reading along…In the next post, we will skip ahead in this chapter to address the section entitled, “The “Special” Child Challenge”.

Many blessings,

Carrie

My Waldorf Homeschool Planning

Posted on by
5

So, are you into planning for next year yet?  I wrote a simple post about getting ready for Waldorf homeschooling with eight steps here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/04/04/what-to-do-this-month-more-about-planning-your-waldorf-homeschooling-year/

I think the next thing to do after that, if you have children in the grades, is to outline what blocks you will be doing during the school year.  You can see where I did that, at least a tentative plan, here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/29/a-skeleton-plan-for-waldorf-homeschooling-first-and-fourth-grade/

I think the next step is to look at what a typical week might look like.  This is a difficult thing for me right now since sign-up for fall activities are not even taking place yet, but I am gathering ideas in my head as to what I would like the week to look like, what day I might grocery shop, what day I want to run errands on, how many days a week I think we can be out of the home and how many days we really need to be home to get things done.

In my area, there are so many activities for homeschoolers that it can actually be very hard to say “no” to things, so I have to cultivate my own will in doing just that!

Then I have been looking at a flow for the day.  I am thinking something along the lines of this right now, completely subject to change:

  • Up, chores, music practice
  • Bible study/prayer
  • Opening verses/seasonal songs/toddler verses and songs or story
  • Main Lesson for First Grader/variety of work for Fourth Grader
  • Snack/Movement from Christopherus “Joyful Movement” or Movement for Childhood website
  • Main Lesson for Fourth Grader with reading aloud last 10 minutes or so of Main Lesson time/ variety of projects or play for First Grader
  • Break for practical work, gardening, play
  • Prepare and eat lunch with noonday prayer, quiet time
  • Read aloud to First Grader
  • Half hour of subject of choosing
  • Handwork, cooking, or gardening
  • Tea, closing verses, special Bible or Feast Day activities

This may look long on paper, but one must remember a main lesson for a first grader need not take longer than an hour and most things will take a half hour or so.

Now I am up to daily planning where I start laying out each day in detail.  What will the seasonal song be?  What do we need to do in this block?  What will the handwork project be?  What will we be doing in the garden?

What I have done in past years is to create my own curriculum and then take the pages and have them bound at an office supply shop in order to have my own personalized syllabus.  This year  I planned everything on my computer, but I didn’t love that.   I certainly did not want to pull my laptop out during school and sometimes I just didn’t get the pages I needed printed out or my printer malfunctioned for some reason. 

So, for this year, I am using a paper planner and am very happy.  I am using the green planner from Carson Dellosa made for classrooms.  Here is a link so you can see it:  http://www.carsondellosa.com/cd2/Products/CarsonDellosa/PID-104300.aspx  I took some of the “classroom teacher” kinds of pages and changed them to reflect, for example, Feast Days for each month or what I would do with my toddler each month.

It is obviously not a homeschool planner, and there are those on the market and many other planners for teachers too! This one I just happened to pick up when I was out and I like it.   I am enjoying writing things down and really meditating on what this particular child needs, why would I do this and not that. It takes time, but in my experience, it saves so much time during the school year and really can save me when I don’t have time to plan during the school year.

I would love to hear where you all are with your ordering and planning!

Many blessings,
Carrie

“Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma” -Chapter Five: “Going It Alone”

Posted on by
7

Calling all my single parents!  I would love to hear from you and if you thought this chapter was right on or not. I do find it interesting that the authors also did not make notes about mothers who are single because they never married or mothers who are single due to death of a spouse or partner.  Also, even if you are not single I thought there were quite a few nuggets to be gleamed for all families in this chapter, so read on!

First, the authors open this chapter with the talks they held with a group of single mothers and she notes, “All of the women were the primary caretakers for their children.  Even in-joint custody arrangements, the women reported that they still performed all the essential functions of shopping for clothes, arranging doctor appointments, getting children haircuts, and the like.  When emergency calls were made from school, it was almost never the father who left work to pick up the child.  The joint custody was not entirely “joint” and certainly not equal.”

This chapter has sections on Shattered Ideals,  The Guilty Party, Everyday Conflicts, The Lonely Parent, and Making Peace as a Family.

I think one section that could be beneficial to all families is the section on “The Lonely Parent.”  I liked the mother who said on page 117, “As one mother reflected, “The hardest thing is letting go, especially since I sometimes feel lonely. I want us to share more.  But I believe that children retreat from “needy” parents.  If we are personally fulfilled, they pick up on that and are more willing to be open with us….”  The authors go on to talk about how it is not that children are incapable of “empathy, love, or generous gestures – just that their egocentricity is a basic reality.”  In the view of Waldorf Education, a child is not  considered full grown until age 21, and I think the authors have noted well that whilst children have capacity for all sorts of things, we should not expect them to rise up and  be adults because these children are not.

I also liked this on page 117:  “I have heard parenting described as a “thankless” task, and often it seems that way.  Many a parent has complained that their children do not seem to understand or appreciate all the time and effort that goes into making their lives better.  So much energy and emotion is invested in trying to fill our children’s needs and make them happy that sometimes we grow furious when children seem lacking in gratitude.”

There were also good nuggets for all parents to think about in the last section of this chapter.  What did you all think about it?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Some Ideas Regarding Sibling Relationships

Posted on by
15

I had such a lovely response from all of you mothers from this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/05/07/quick-responses-to-sibling-rivalry-new-baby-in-the-house-and-more/, which was generated by Chapter Four “Kids Versus Kids” in our chapter by chapter look at the book, “Love And Anger:  The Parental Dilemma”.

I have talked to many mothers locally and on-line regarding sibling relationships.  It is all well and good to know that siblings fight, many mothers say, but what do you do when the behaviors children display between one another are literally tearing the family fabric apart or worse yet, driving a wedge between spouses or partners?

These are my personal ideas; I guess I view things differently than many of the parenting books.  These ideas may or absolutely may not work in your family and they may not resonate with you in the least possible way.  Every child, every sibling relationship and every family is different.  I will some words about the blended family in just a moment, so if you are in that situation, then please bear with me.

To me, name-calling, teasing, fighting, and those kinds of behaviors all have pretty strong limits in my home because I find it hard to function in  an environment that is not kind.  It frustrates me pretty quickly, and so for me, I had to set boundaries on it.  I expect my children to treat each other kindly and if they don’t rise up to the occasion, I expect them to rectify the situation.  I have hammered into their heads (not Waldorf at all by a longshot! LOL) that friends will come and go, but siblings are forever and whilst it is the job of a mother and father as parents to take care of all of their children, siblings also take care of each other because that is what families do.  I also expect the children that are older to have tolerance and treat the younger children kindly and protectively, especially if that younger child is under the age of 7.  However, I also expect the younger children to be able to respect the boundaries an older child may need on spending time alone or with friends his or her own age.

My main response to situations  where feelings are hurt, names are said, physical things is simple redirection, work and reminders and looking carefully at over-stimulation, hunger, sleep, or if the child really needs to get some physical energy out. 

But, if these behaviors persist, my thoughts (and again, these absolutely may not work for your family so take what resonates with you!)  go in this pattern (and this would work more for situations where one child is over 7 and the other siblings are smaller, or perhaps situations where one is a teen and the others are smaller):

1.  The children must need more structure and work on my part.  Busy children are too busy to fight out of boredom and such (obviously this does NOT apply well to a three year old and a baby or a five year old and a toddler!). 

2.  If you are ugly in the house, we cannot take that outside the home, so any playdate or fun thing for the afternoon is gone.  We can’t take that ugly out into the world with our friends!

3.  Or I may be thinking they have not acted in a way where I want to go with other children in the afternoon, but maybe they need to come with me and go hiking or go sit by  stream and just be.  Sometimes that can soothe the hardest of days.

4.  I think about who may need one on one time with either me or my husband, and I also think about if they need something separate for themselves. I have really seen my nine year old spend time with a special close friend just themselves, no younger siblings about, and be really just so satisfied to be able to play an uninterrupted game on their level.  I can’t always make it happen frequently, but I do try when I see the need for that!

5.   If you have children nine and above along with children smaller than age 9, one thing I have seen other families use is to set up social times where both children have a playmate to play with.  ie, the nine year old of the house would have a nine year old over to play, and the six year old of the house would have a six year old to play.  I think this can also work well with smaller siblings when you have teens in the house and the smaller siblings are just hanging around with nothing to do and wanting to be with the teen.  There needs to be time together as a FAMILY, but it is also important, especially I think if you have a smaller family of only two or three children all spaced out, for children over the age of 9 to have time with peers of the same age without younger siblings.  It can also be fun if you have a bigger family to mainly have social time with other bigger families where everyone can be together or pair off…This is one of those areas I think you will find your own way based on your own family.  But I do caution against expecting your teenager to want to include your five year old, and that if your five-year-old is the only other child in the house, then you may need to have a project for that five-year-old and take charge of that time so things go smoothly.

6. Restitution.  If you hit each other, then your hands will work for each other. If you are four and you hit the baby, I will redirect those hands into work but also into doing something positive with your hands for the baby.  And then I will do my part to make sure the baby is in a sling or something so you don’t have to control yourself all day long, but only in bits and pieces.  If you are over 7 and using your mouth to tease your younger siblings, you must need to do something for that sibling to show love because in this family we love each other.

7.  So more DOING, less WORDS.  What I just outlined is my thought process, not necessarily what I would say to my children.

A special note for my blended families:   I think it all starts with you and your partner.  You must talk about these issues ahead of time and have agreed-upon ways to handle things.  You must get very, very clear TOGETHER what behaviors you both accept and what you will not. I have some blended families really benefit from counseling to go through this process, because otherwise they can get in a situation where they are just going around and around about his child and her child and not much action is getting accomplished.  In the end, it is about creating a NEW family.  Attachment Parenting International recommends Imago therapists:  http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/  I would love my blended families to chime in here!  I think having a blended family requires the parents to really be a united front, to really think things through, to work with compromise as well.  What has been your experience?

Lastly, I found this decent handout regarding sibling conflict from University of Iowa, and I think it brings up good points about siblings in general, although the wordiness of the techniques I would not use with children under the age of 7.  It also brings up things about sibling abuse, which is something no one seems to talk about: 

http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1651.pdf

Many blessings, hope that helps and again, take what resonates with you and your family.

Carrie