Monthly Archives: April 2010

Yelling in Parenting

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Judging by statistics I read, spanking is still a problem.  Yet, this doesn’t seem to be something the mothers I know  personally do– none of them spank. (Yes, I live in a bubble, I guess!)

Time-out and the isolation of a child due to  challenging behavior, whilst a problem in the US (and confirmed by my international readers that this really doesn’t come up in other countries), is again,  not something the mothers I personally know seem to do.  (Yes, again, I live in a bubble).

But yelling seems to be almost a commonality.  And most of all, this seems to be something that occurs with even more frequency with children who are over the age of 7 rather  than small children.

It is almost as if the lie of anger wins – you know, the lie in one’s head that says, “My goodness!  They are seven years old!  They KNOW better than that!  They are just doing this to make me angry!  They are trying to push my buttons!”

Anger looks at ONLY the negative, anger makes us feel as if we must “fix” this problem right away or our child will grow up to be this horrible human being, anger makes us feel as if the normal things that children do being children need to be squashed and stomped on instead of being calmly guided.

And underneath that anger, is our own needs.  Our own very real fear.  Our own very real fatigue and loneliness.  Our own distraction with other things that really have nothing to do with our child. 

From an attachment standpoint, yelling makes very little sense because we want to treat our children with dignity and  we know children need our guidance.  But trying to guide a child with yelling is a little like trying to drive a car by solely using the horn.  Your guidance, your message will be lost in the delivery.

From a Waldorf perspective, yelling is not a tool to use for discipline.  A small child lives in the will, the doing, and in the lower senses – and guess what?  Hearing is not one of the lower four senses that make up the willing senses of the small child! 

What can you do instead of yelling?

1. PLAN your day – children need time to let off steam, and children also need time to calm down.  Limit how many places you are trying to get your children off to, because if Mommy is less stressed then everyone is happier!  Children truly need less activities, more time at home, less lessons and classes and more time with family.

2.  CALL IT QUITS – If it is close to bedtime and everyone is falling apart, sometimes all you can do is get through it and get everyone off to bed.  Recognize the times when the lesson will be lost due to hunger, needing sleep, etc.  Raising a child is not a “one-shot” deal – your child can still grow up to be a wonderful adult even if you don’t “hammer the point” over and over.

3.  For the older children, be careful too not equate the 7-9 year old with a teenager in terms of reasoning skills!  Here are some of my thoughts regarding talking to the seven and eight year old:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/26/how-to-talk-to-your-seven-and-eight-year-old/ 

Make sure what you expect is actually developmentally appropriate.

4.  WALK IT OFF – If you feel so angry that you are going to explode, go outside and calm down and then come back and guide.  If you get angry again, go back outside.  You can only effectively guide your child when you are calm. 

5.  STICK TO THE BOUNDARY – None of this is to say the boundary should not be kept.  The boundary needs to be kept!  The behavior must be guided, but CALMLY.

6. TRY LESS WORDS – If you talk, explain, re-hash, lecture, write the book down and leave it on their pillow, you are using too many words and the child is tuning you out!  Less words!  Control your verbal spillage!

7.  MORE WORK– Yes, you will have to do chores with them when they are under the age of seven.  Yes, when they ages seven through nine they will get distracted and will need verbal reminders.  Yes, the effort is worth it, and knowing that  training a child to do chores requires effort will hopefully help you not to yell so much about it!

8.  BOUNDARIES ON FRIENDS – There should be no guilt in having “family-only” time during the week and week-ends.  Simplifying makes life less stressful and less stressful means less yelling!

9. FILL YOUR OWN TANK – It is hard when you have babies and toddlers to get time to yourself, but involve Dad and family.  Also catch those small moments.  Catch a few minutes to read after your child goes to sleep.  Sing while you do the dishes.  Keep filling up your tank, so you can be calm and centered,

10.  JUST BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS HAVING A BAD DAY DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO!  Your child will not remember ten years from now why you yelled at them; they will only remember how things felt generally and how you made them feel.  If you can model being calm and controlled, think of what a powerful life lesson that could be for your child to see and learn from!

11. CONNECTION – keep connecting with this child; love this child.  That is the most important key to discipline.

12.  SOLVE THE PROBLEM – If your older child is always being noisy during a younger child’s naptime, and you yell, what could you do to solve the problem instead?  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different to happen!

Don’t let the big lie of anger get you!  You don’t have to yell.  Model this calmness during the “breaking points” and your whole family will benefit! During this period of renewal between Easter and Ascension, commit to not yelling.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Adult Will And How To Develop It

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The development of will for personal issues, such as being able to go to bed, get up on time, stick to a flow of the day, to me, can be much further addressed in several areas:

1.  Use of forty days to establish a new habit.  Not just twenty-one days, but forty.  To work on one thing at a time!

2.   The will is an outward gesture of DOING.  I think it was Zig Ziglar who said, “Do it, and you will be motivated to do it.”  Sometimes we think too hard, plan too much, and we just need to do it. 

3.  I think handwork is a perfect place to develop your will.  Anytime you “eyeball” something and work with doing, you are developing those faculties of will.

4.  Try it, and if you fail, try again! The key is in the striving!  Pick a friend or have your spouse help you be accountable!

Many blessings to you on this new day, this new moment! 

Carrie

Renewal: Personal Development

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This is the plain and sad  but true fact:  many of us have invested many hours and dollars in vocational training or college degrees, but many of us never go on to spend much money or time to  develop ourselves personally after that. 

For example, in college, you probably spent hundreds and even thousands of dollars on textbooks and classes and hours of  time reading.  But after college, have you spent any money at all on your own personal development?  Have you spent any time reading to learn?  Have you taken any classes regarding parenting?  Sought out any mothers who parent the way you want to parent?

We all are busy, and some of us do carry harder burdens than others.  That is true.  However, we can really bless our families by choosing to educate ourselves.    I know it is hard, but you must have been drawn to parent differently than your parents for a reason.  You must have drawn to Waldorf homeschooling for a reason.  Honor that intuition; commit to it and own it.   Can you read for five minutes in the morning after you get breakfast done and cleaned up?  Five minutes while the kids play outside?  Five minutes before you go to bed?  Set a timer if need be, but can you try just for five minutes a day?

This is the thing:  I know you want to be a great parent.  I know that because otherwise you would not be here reading this blog!  You may be reading this because you  want to homeschool.  I am here to tell you no matter what method of homeschooling you choose, Waldorf or not, you will have to do some planning!  Yes, there are things that are “open and go” but you will still have to tailor things for your child, and if you take the time to really holistically evaluate your child and plan around that, the experience will be so much richer.   If you are a Waldorf homeschooling mother, take the time to read and decide for yourself such things as will the order of these blocks work for my child, will they work for where I live geographically? Take the time to figure out what the curriculum is saying to your child at their developmental level.

.So, please,  in this time of renewal between Easter and Ascension, please, consider making time to read a little bit.  Make a commitment to plan for your child’s education next year.  Your child and your homeschooling experience  is worth your time in planning.  If you start and do an hour a week now plus a little bit of reading each and every day, you will be all ready by the end of summer!

You might be wondering, well, what should I read?

Here are my suggestions, please do take what resonates with you or add your suggestions in the comment boxes below!

For parenting and gentle discipline, see here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/27/favorite-books-for-gentle-discipline/

For the six/seven year old change, try “You’re Not the Boss of Me!  Understanding the Six/Seven Year Transformation” edited by Ruth Ker, and available here at Bob and Nancy’s:  http://www.waldorfbooks.com/edu/child_development_health.htm  (scroll down)

For understanding Waldorf Education in light of child development, I recommend “Soul Economy” and “The Education of the Child”

For Waldorf grades one and two (and three! and beyond!), I recommend “Practical Advice to Teachers” and “Discussions with Teachers”

Many of the parenting books can be found at your local library or used on Amazon or other booksellers.  Many of Steiner’s works can be found for free on-line.

Read, learn, plan and enjoy!

Much love to you,

Carrie

Grammar In The Waldorf Curriculum

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This morning Mrs. Johnson posted a wise response on her list (waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com – please join if you are not on this list) to a mother.  This is a post regarding spelling/ grammar within the Waldorf Curriculum:

“Waldorf is just so different, often. This is one of those areas.
Here are a couple insights to get you thinking inside the Waldorf box.

1) the spelling words come from the curriculum. They are part of the block, part of the ‘story’, part of the telling you are doing in your story-sharing time. They are not ‘disconnected’ random words. They certainly can lead to word family lessons and discussions to cement and explore spelling and phonemes. So the grade three child is hearing the Old Testament and the Practical Arts block stories all year long and the spelling words come from these areas.

2) the grade three child learns about Naming words (nouns) and Doing words (verbs), most often in the telling of the story of Creation as Adam names each animal as they are created.
You are Rabbit! Rabbits jump!
You are Goat! Goats leap!
You are Snake! Snakes slither.
You are Fox! Foxes slink.
And so on. Simple Naming and Doing, great basis for movement exercises, too.
3) In the grade 4, we begin with the nine parts of speech. We bring this from the Nine Worlds of the Norse gods, the Nine Days that Odin hung on the tree to obtain the ability to write, and the inclusion as we can see for that post-nine year change child of being able to step back and divide things into their parts now….fractions, music, and so on. So we have the ability to divide a bit and that is when we bring the Nine Parts of Speech. But we do this with games and directly from the curriculum as well.
He is Odin.
He is the wise Odin.
He is the wise Odin who sees.
He is the wise Odin who sees so clearly.
He is the wise Odin who sees so clearly and speaks so calmly.
etc etc

Dissecting abstract language concepts into diagrams is meant for the middle school child. The younger ones need to stay in their imagination and in the story of the moment. We can see with each Norse god, unique characteristics that create a personality and a ‘type’. This is also true of our spoken language, each one has a personality and even a culture embedded in every single sound. Some languages do not have all the elements of English, others do. In some, the word order is quite different. In English we say I I I at the first, I am the most important. In others, the I is hidden or unspoken or ignored….

Children can be taught many things. We know this, but it is HOW we bring it that makes it Waldorf or not. Creating images, living pictures, in our hearts before we bring it to the children is very important.

For example….why are some verbs regular and others not? What are irregular verbs like, then> I am, you are, he is, she is, we are, they are………why, they are a bit individualistic aren’t they? Yes, why they are quite independent and not very easy to rule over, they are like the sons and daughters of Moses who don’t really pay attention to what he says when he is not there! They go their own way…and over here, so many good little words….I fly, you fly, he and she fly, we fly and they fly. Good little fly, way too obedient! Good two shoes? Or a good student? Always minds his manners, that fly.

And so we can see, can we create a town or a land where these characters live, some decent and easy to understand, others quite persnickety and rebellious but cute as bedbugs! Little rascals. Well we must make friends with them all, shan’t we?

Yes, bring in the materials, but do bring it on a platter of the imagination and this will create in the child a mood of play and drama and pure fun.
Mrs M”

Hope this brings blessings to you,

Carrie

Readiness for Waldorf Homeschool First Grade

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Planning away yet? It is that time of year!   For those of you with six- year- olds who are considering starting Waldorf first grade in your  fall homeschool, this is an important decision.  The standard “rule” in Waldorf education is that your child should have been alive for seven springs/seven Easters  before starting first grade.  I highly recommend starting first grade when your child is as close to seven as possible, so that your child is seven for most of first grade.

There are several reasons I recommend this, and you can agree or disagree.:)  Homeschooling is much different than Waldorf school, as there is no group or older children in the class to “carry” the younger six-year-old at home.   The second  issue with starting first grade at an early age  six, then second grade at an early age seven and third grade at an early age eight  means that you are basically off a year in the Waldorf Curriculum.  The Third Grade’s Old Testament stories are really for a nine-year old, that whole third grade year is to speak to the nine year old change.  The Norse myths of Fourth Grade are pretty dark and are really  best for a child past the nine year change or pretty darn  close to it.  I think the children who are past the nine year change handle the Norse myths better than the ones who have not…just my limited experience.

The last reason for starting first grade at six and a half at the earliest and as close to seven as possible, is that, I hate to see the end of this cycle “cheated” out for lack of a better word.  The first seven years of really being in  the body will lead to greater academic success later on…If parents need help for more ideas for the six year old year, I am sure we can all contribute ideas!

Here are some articles regarding First Grade readiness:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/firstready.pdf

And here:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/Gateways56FINALDRAFT.pdf

And here:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/learning-more/articles-on-aspects-of-waldorf-education/articles-by-donna-simmons/first-grade-readiness.html

http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/learning-more/articles-on-aspects-of-waldorf-education/first-grade-readiness-help-your-child-by-getting-the-timing-right.html

Here is a whole book on the subject: http://www.steinercollege.edu/store/product.php?productid=18362&cat=845&page=1

Here is a list and I cannot figure out where I originally found it, so I can’t link you to it; I hope it is okay to reprint it here……

First Grade Readiness Guidelines

 

Bodily Proportions and Characteristics

  • Head to body ratio of 1:6
  • Loss of baby fat and the “pot belly”
  • First stretching growth of legs
  • Waist and neck incisions in the trunk
  • Visible joints (knuckles) and kneecaps instead of dimples
  • Arch in foot
  • Individualized facial features instead of baby features (a child who has not been able to undergo childhood diseases may be hindered in this development)
  • S curve in spine

Second Dentition

Usually a first grade child should have at least one loose tooth.  (If both parents, however, were very slow in reaching dentition, this factor should not be weighed as heavily for this particular child)

Physical Abilities

  • Walk a beam, log (or line) forward
  • Catch and throw a ball
  • Hop on either foot
  • Bunny hop (both feet together)
  • Habitually walk in cross pattern (i.e. swing opposite arm when stepping out with one foot)
  • Climb stairs with alternating feet on each stair
  • Tie knots and sometimes bows; button and zip own clothing
  • Use fingers dexterously (sew, finger knit, play finger games, etc.)
  • Have established dominance (eye/hand dominance most important) though this may not be firmly established until age 9
  • Not be unduly restless or lethargic
  • Shake hands with thumb separated from fingers rather than offering the whole hand

Social/Emotional Development

School ready child develops feelings for others’ needs – social awareness, doing things for others, goal oriented play – planning, thinking things out; does not need objects in play (can now visualize play rather than needing to collect many items as younger children did; this shows separation of concept – the inner world – from precept – the outer world); begins long term friendships; play of horses and dogs (shows readiness for authority of first grade, obeying a master”)

Other social/emotional abilities:

  • Ability to join in offered activities
  • Ability to look after own eating, drinking, washing and toileting needs
  • Ability to share a teacher’s or parent’s attention and wait for a turn
  • Ability to follow instructions and carry through a task or activity
  • Not unduly dependent on a security item (thumb sucking, blanket, etc.)
  • Not regularly the aggressor or victim; accepted by most other children

Drawing and Painting

Conscious goal in drawing pictures

In painting becomes goal conscious, attempts forms or special effects such as dots; paintings become stiffer, less beautiful for a time but may free up again a child consciously discovers how to mix and blend colors and develops designs or forms appropriate to the medium; symmetrical designs similar to crayon drawings may appear

Content of Picture (Primarily Drawings)

Two-fold symmetry, indicating that two-fold function of the brain has come about; symmetrical houses, often with a tree or flower on each side; symmetrical designs in which the paper is divided into halves; symmetrical color arrangements

Change of teeth pictures, containing horizontal repetitions such as birds flying, rows of mountains, etc. reminiscent of rows of teeth

Strip of sky and earth, showing child’s awareness of above and below, rather than the child’s feeling of wholeness

Use of the diagonal (related to perspective).  Frequently seen in triangle form of roof or in drawing of stairs

Square form in base of house

Windows with crosses

Chimney with smoke (birth of the etheric)

People and houses resting on grass at bottom of the page

Soul Life

Signs of First Grade readiness in the WILL

Conscious goals appear in play, drawing, handwork; consciousness of self as creator results in awareness of the distinction between inner (desire) and outer (result).  At “first puberty” this leads to characteristic feelings of loneliness and inability which may be expressed as “I’m bored.”  This is an important stage, as it leads to the basis for natural respect which is to be found in the grade school years – the realization by the child that there are some things he can’t yet do as well as an adult.

Use of limbs is vigorous, active; the child likes to move furniture and heavy stumps and use all available play cloths

The child likes to run errands (again, goal consciousness)

Signs of First Grade Readiness in the FEELING LIFE

  • Stormy period of first puberty proceeding to more calm; can handle feelings better, needs less adult intervention
  • Wrapping of objects as gifts (child “wraps himself around the object”)
  • Loves humor, limericks, rhymes, play on words, silly words
  • May say verse faster than the rest of the group, or hold note longer at end of song (is beginning to grow aware in the realm of rhythm)
  • Likes to whisper, have secrets (distinction between inner and outer)
  • May like to tell of dreams (souls has made a step inwardly), awareness of inner and outer life.  (Be careful this isn’t imitation of adults or just telling a story; don’t question children about dreams.)

Signs of First Grade Readiness in the THINKING/COGNITIVE REALM

  • Development of causal thinking (use of “if”, “because”, and “therefore”, for example).  “If I tie these strings together, they will reach the play stand.” Also shown in the wish to tie things together with yarn (signs of tying thoughts together shows causal thinking)
  • Correct use of verb tense (“I stood”, not “I standed”)
  • Enjoys cunning, planning and scheming
  • Enjoys humor and making up or repeating simple riddles (typical for this age mentality is “Why was the cook mean?”  “Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream.”)  It is best that the teacher not introduce real riddles at this stage; they are appropriate for older children 
  • Memory becomes conscious; children can, at will or upon request, repeat songs and stories with accuracy
  • Speaks fluently and clearly and can express ideas easily and fully
  • Can concentrate on a chosen task for 10 to 15 minutes
  • Image formation is no longer dependent on objects in play, but can visualize (e.g. may build a house and then, instead of collecting dishes, food, etc., may simply talk through the play).  Conversations and discussions among the children become important to them.
  • Appearance of “real: questions (not the typical younger child’s constant asking of “why” or other questions for the sake of asking)

                                                                                                                                Detroit Waldorf School, 1999                                                                                                                               

My personal  rule is that a child should be seven for most of first grade, eight for most of second, etc and if one must start in January, then aren’t we glad to be homeschooling? LOL.

This is such a really important question, so please think about this carefully.  If you need help, I suggest you arrange a phone consultation with one of the national Waldorf homeschool  consultants  – I recommend Christopherus Homeschool Resources or A Little Garden Flower.

Children Who Slap Faces And Other Fun Behaviors

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(This is the tabloid edition of The Parenting Passageway today, you know, kind of like, Men Who Do Terrible Things And The Women Who Love Them or something like that…)

Let’s see…the fun behavior of the toddler…I am sure you all can help me out here with the behaviors and challenges!   Some of these  behaviors keep coming up over and over here when I asked for feedback regarding discipline challenges and also in My Real Life from mothers in my local area, so I thought I would address them here with a few suggestions and you can take what resonates with you.  Pick and choose, add your own creative ideas!  There is No One Answer, the Right Answer is the One That Works For Your Family!  Seriously!  As long as it is gentle and keeps to the boundary, then there you go!  Check out the toddler discipline posts under the Baby/Toddler header, several of those posts literally have every discipline situation that could come up with a toddler.

Here is a re-cap of some of the ones mothers have been asking about recently (but please do go look at the back posts!):

Face-slapping:

  • Set child down if you are holding them.
  • Turn it into a “high-five”
  • Tell the child that hurts and show them how you would like to be touched instead.
  • Watch out for signs child is getting frustrated in order to prevent  and use your tools of movement and channeling into work and help to move on
  • Know this phase is limited usually once the toddler  has more speech
  • Know this may take 500 times!
  • What would work best for your family?  Your ideas here:

Running away at the park or other public places:

  • Limit outings for right now. Sorry about that!
  • Bring a second adult who can help you corral your children
  • Many parents have a natural consequence in place, such as if you run away, we immediately leave the park.  However, a child younger than four and a half or five  may really not understand that very well.
  • Do errands at night or another time without the toddler.
  • Practice holding hands and looking for cars at all times.  Have a verse or rhyme that goes with the holding hands/looking.
  • What would work best for your family??  Your ideas here:

Child is stuck on a  “bad word”:

Sitting Still:

  • Figure about three to five minutes for every year of the child’s age, and really look  at your child.  Are they a “mature” acting three or four year old, or rather immature?  That will give you a clue as to what might be a realistic expectation.
  • Bring something with you to do for the small child.  Make up a special little “Sunday bag” for church, let them bring a stuffed animal or doll with them.
  • Practice times of sitting quietly at home for a story, thirty seconds before you light the candle for dinner, thirty second in silence after you say the blessing over the meal..
  • What would work best for your family?  Your ideas here:

Hitting, Kicking:

Ah, no one’s favorite.

  • You cannot let the child hurt you (or anyone else!).  If it is toward you, step away or hold the child if you can do it and be calm!  If the child is hitting someone else, they must come and be with you in a time-in.
  • Connect with this child during other times in a warm way.  Are they feeling poorly physically or emotionally?  This does not excuse the behavior, but provides a clue as to what they need!
  • If this is occurring during play dates and such, please think strongly about whether or not your small child needs this social experience at this point.  You can see my take on social experiences for the four year old in back posts, so you can guess what I think about toddlers from that….
  • Go back to your basics – rhythm, outside time, warm and nourishing meals.
  • If you need help dealing with hitting and kicking as part of a temper tantrum, please see here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/
  • Here is a back post on boys and hitting:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/28/boys-under-age-7-and-hitting/
  • What would work best for your family?  Your ideas here:

Biting

Also no one’s favorite.

  • If it is biting at the breast, pull the baby close to you – this will block their nose and make them loosen the biting.  However, GIVE them something they CAN bite on.  A wet washcloth that you threw in the freezer works fine.  Biting is a normal behavior, it is just the object that the child is biting that makes it good or not good, so you don’t want to tell them never to bite!  If they are biting at the breast and it is usually toward the end of a feeding, try to catch them before the end and gently  remove  them from  the breast.
  • If the biting is generally part of just being aggressive, try this outside resource regarding the types of biters and such:   http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/linda_passmark.html
  • Never bite a child for biting!  That does not help.
  • Remain as calm as possible.  It is no fun when your toddler or preschooler bites another child over a toy, and it is not fun when your child is the one who was bit, but these things do happen and one must be calm.
  • If your child is in a biting phase, think carefully about your child’s level of frustration with social outings.  🙂  If you frequently read this blog, you know where I stand on that!  The whole “playdate” thing really should not apply to children under the age of four and a half, but that is just my opinion.  🙂 Take what works for you and your family.

Hope these ideas help your family think of what would work best for you in these situations.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Waldorf Second Grade Handwork

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In Waldorf Second Grade, I believe in working with casting on, knit stitch, casting off, and the simple sewing necessary to finish a project.  I strongly believe both purling and dry needle felting should be left alone until the nine year change.  You can see more about the indications for Waldorf Handwork, written by our homeschool group’s wonderful, wonderful Handwork Teacher here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/28/handwork/ 

I feel very, very fortunate to have found a Waldorf Handwork teacher whose views are similar to mine, and I am thrilled she is part of our homeschooling group. 

Here are some of the projects my second grader has done this year:

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Above:  A special pouch necklace to hold treasures!

Below:  A sachet; slip your favorite- smelling tea bag inside!

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Below:  A rainbow ball

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Below:  A child-sized scarf:

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Below:  A scarf for Beloved Bear!

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In progress right now is a doll poncho, since the scarf for Beloved Bear is now finished. 

Hope this gives mothers out there some ideas for longer and shorter projects for the second grade year.

Blessings,

Carrie

Earth Day In The Waldorf Home

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My post on this subject is over at The Magic Onions, so head on over and take a look:

http://themagiconions.blogspot.com/2010/04/discovering-waldorf-earth-day-in.html

Thank you and many blessings on this beautiful day,

Carrie

Parenting Burn-Out and Chaos!

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Did you ever feel that homeschooling or even just parenting little ones should be FREEING, in a sense, but that it is not?  I mean, after all, every day COULD be a blank slate of whatever you would like it to be!  How disappointing, then, sometimes, when you realize that you are busier than when you worked outside the home.  When you realize that your schedule is way too full.  How disappointing when you can’t say no to things. How disappointing when your house is always a disorganized mess.  And that knowing that  burn-out is always there in the background (and sometimes in the foreground?) – we won’t even mention that!

If you have ever felt like that, then this post is for you.

First of all, please be easy with yourself.  The mothers I see that are hardest on themselves are the ones with babies ( “I should be doing just what I did before I had a baby!”) or the ones with multiple children under the age of 7.  Be easy!  Your most important job is to take care of them, and also yourself! But part of doing this is developing your own will….read on!

If your children are under the age of 7, in order to take care of yourself, you are going to need to ask for help and  to plan ahead. That is hard for people, but that is the only way it is going to happen.  Ask your spouse for help!  Ask a grandparent!  Ask a friend!  “Honey, could you please take the children to the park for an hour and a half so I can do some homeschool planning for fall?”  “Honey, I know you worked all day and you are tired, but this pile of clean laundry is driving me crazy! Could you please help me put it away?”  “ I really need to get some stress out.  Could you watch the children so I could go walk for half an hour?  I would feel so much better!”

However, in order to ask, you have to know what you need!  And I find many mothers are down so low, they don’t know where to start or what even to ask for help with!  Meditate, make a list – what are three things that would  make your life better right now?  Start there.

I have one for you that probably would make your life better (outside of exercise for yourself!): how about getting rid of STUFF?  It is hard to be restful with too much stuff.  If every room has too much furniture for the size of the space, if every flat surface is covered, if every closet and drawer is bulging, then it is time to start there.  It is hard to pay attention to your children,  to plan for homeschool, to do homeschool, if there is stuff everywhere.  And your children cannot rest in rooms that are overflowing!

But in order to get your own  house in order, you have to be HOME.  What would happen if you took a two week vacation and just said “no” to outside things, and made a huge dent in getting your house in order?  Really go through things and get RID of things. 

What would happen if over the summer you just planned to be home?  What would happen in the fall if you plan to be out one day during the weekdays (this is not including the weekends) and otherwise you were at home?  What would life look like then?  Babies, toddlers, preschoolers, really do need to be home – a walk around the block, playing in the neighborhood, being outside; yes- but really at home! 

Perhaps you can meditate on this and find the middle road, the common ground that really works for you.  Start small if that is where you are, but conversely, don’t be afraid to jump in and make a big change.  Your life, after all, should work for you.  If you are feeling resentful, stressed, not happy – change it, you are in control of at least some of it.  And your own attitude you are fully in control of!

Many blessings,

Carrie

How Do I Instill Inner Discipline In My Child?

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Many parents see the ultimate goal of guiding and  parenting a child to be that the child will have an ability to “discipline” him or herself, an ability to have initiative but also be able to  think before acting, and that the child/ young adult will ultimately  take responsibility for his or her own actions.

The question is how to do get to this, of course.  Parenting sites all over the Internet talk  about the “obedience” of the small under-7 child, “defiance” and every other thing out there that makes it seems as if children are not part of a family, not part of following the mother and father, but this Oppositional Force To Be Reckoned With.

We have to think of discipline in the light of two things: CONNECTION, and DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES.  I have written about these two things over and over, and I guess I will keep saying it until more parents hear.

Connection is your number one key to discipline and guiding of a child.  Didn’t you ever do or not do something as a grades school child  because you were so connected to your family, to the expectations of your family’s culture?  Not through shame or coercion, but because of love.  That is what I am talking about.  Looking up to a loving authority because it is so.

Small children are not really at this point yet.  Their impulses often far outweigh their thoughts.  It is not that small children do not ever think, please do not misunderstand, but  their physical impulses and lack of impulse control is really, really strong.  They need a lot of physical help from you, a lot of repetition, to really do the right thing.  They are more likely to do what you do rather than to do what you say.  You cannot drive the car of the small child by  using your horn (yelling)- you also have to use the steering wheel (involve their bodies!)    They are SMALL.  A child under the age of 7 is SMALL. 

So, to instill self-discipline or inner discipline in a child is a much longer process than people in American society would like.  They would like the child to be self-disciplined, “obedient”, yet able to problem-solve and think for themselves and be mature, pretty much from the womb.  Be independent, yet fold right into the family culture without so much as a peep.  From birth.

Let me assist you for a moment with my vision of working with a child toward inner discipline, based upon attachment parenting and Waldorf parenting.  Pick what resonates with you and your family’s culture.  You are the expert on your own family.

Birth – Age 7: These are the years to establish TRUST with this child.  This will make a PROFOUND difference in the years of 14-21 if you will just do this one step.  Do not be afraid to breastfeed, sleep with, bathe with, hold this child.    Show this child GOODNESS.  We do this by giving them something worthy to IMITATE.  They are not ready to run around and be independent yet, but they are ready to learn things with you, by your side.  The child is in a period of remarkable PHYSICAL development, and that is the realm in which we must work with the child. Being outside is important from this physical perspective.   This is also your time as a parent to really discern the ESSENTIAL things in your family life, and to find that it is okay to not do everything all at once.   Rhythm is your helper and friend.  Less choices, more relaxed presenting of clothing, food, but also knowing when it is okay that your child wants this over that.  Also, this notion of PROTECTING the child and the child’s senses.  It is okay to do this!  That is the fine art of parenting, and it takes practice!

Age 7-14:  These are the years to present to the child a LOVING AUTHORITY.  Show this child BEAUTY in the world through artistic work, creative work and by being outside, seeing that beauty in nature; children at this point FEEL things so strongly.    This is also the time for community, for other trusted and like-minded adults.  This is also a time for a spiritual practice, a child coming up on nine has many questions about the world, about their Creator, about religion – it really is important that you become clear about how you feel about all this.  This is the time to think hard about doing things at the right time: is it the right time for my child to go to see a movie? Have a cell phone?  Walk to the store alone?  Most of all, these are the years to really cultivate WARMTH toward your child and where they are.  Some mothers wrote in under the post asking for discipline challenges about their negative 10 and 11 year olds – can we have warmth for these children?  It is vital in this stage.  After the ninth year, the child has a MUCH better sense of natural consequences, a stronger sense of self, and now is the time to give weight to his ideas, thoughts, perhaps relax that rhythm a bit, but also to give MORE RESPONSIBILITY.  Negotiation and compromise become more important, but BOUNDARIES are still there.  Finding that Middle Way between the polarities of life.   

Age 14-21:  These are the years to present to the child TRUTH.  They are THINKERS; the teenager can make decisions and take responsibility for his or her decisions.  Boundaries are there to push against, parents are there to help and to guide.  Keep connecting with this child through the gift of time and listening.    I highly recommend Barbara Coloroso’s “Kids Are Worth It!  Giving Your Child The Gift of Inner Discipline”  as a framework of gentle discipline for these years, really from twelve up.

Many blessings as you discern what is right for your family.

Carrie