Monthly Archives: February 2010

The Number Two Way To Discipline A Child

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The number two way to discipline a child under the age of 7 (and older!)  is by having the child make restitution.  Not when everyone is upset, not when everyone is crying, not when everyone is angry.  That is when you need CONNECTION first (see this post regarding connection: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/22/the-number-one-way-to-discipline-a-child/ )  But, after, everyone has calmed down, then you sit down and take up a paper and crayons and draw.  And when the child comes to see what you are doing you can quietly say (but NO GUILT! NO LECTURES! NO BOOK ABOUT THE INCIDENT!)  “I am drawing a picture for your sister because she was very sad earlier.”    Or quietly start to fix that toy and when the child comes you say, “Could you help me glue this part?  I am fixing this for your brother.”

I think this technique would work well for children that are about four or four and a half up.  For children younger than that, really they need the connection part most and as they grow older they will learn about restitution.  Of course, they can help hold an ice pack or watch you fix something though.

The point is, though, first SPACE….everyone needs to calm down.  I am against time-out for children, unless you want to take a time-out for yourself.  Nothing can be accomplished when everyone is yelling and screaming and you must be calm in  order to guide and to teach.  Then, connection.  Take that sobbing child on your lap, hold that child.  The boundary is NOT changing, the boundary is still there, but the connection is there.  The child is adapting to the boundary. (If the boundary keeps adapting to them, they are learning nothing).  Then later, when things are better, make the restitution.

Those are the keys you need for success and for guiding.  Our goal is to raise wonderful adults, not to punish a small child over an incident they will not remember years from now.  But over time, it will become engrained in them to approach conflict with a means to  provide space, to connect and to problem-solve.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Typical Ages of Disequilibrium

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According to a  traditional developmental perspective, there are ages that are prone to a sense of equilibrium and ages prone to disquilibrium.  I thought I would recap the ages of birth through age 9  here with a quick sentence or two, so you all would know what ages are traditionally considered more challenging than others.

This is of course, not an anthroposophic point of view and of course your child is influenced by their own temperament, their own personality traits and parenting and the environment also have an influence.  Some children I have known never did seem to go through these traditional stages at all, while others seemed to fit into them very well.

But, here they are for you to consider, and I think you can tuck them away and find them helpful at varying points.  If you know four is typically out of bounds in many ways, and seven is typically morose and moody and can be rather morbid, it just can help you cope a bit better.

These ages and descriptions are from the work of The Gesell Institute.  Sometimes the descriptions may sound a bit negative, but if you read the books in their entirety, they do try to paint a balanced picture of each age. 

I encourage you to read these books for yourself.  I hold more of an anthroposophic view of the child, but find these descriptions to be helpful at times, and hopefully you can pick what would be helpful to you and your family and your child out of it all.

AGES OF DISEQUILIBRIUM:  18 months ( I would say 15 to 21 months), 2 1/2 years, 3 1/2 years, 4 1/2 years, 5 1/2- 6 years, 7 years, 9 years

AGES OF EQUILIBRIUM:  12 months, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 1/2-7 years, 8 years and 10 years

More “outward” behavior generally occurs at 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 6 years, 8 years, 10 years – think expansive behavior, outward bound, silliness in older children, biting, hitting, kicking, etc.     Behavior is typically more “inward” at 18 months, 2 1/2 years, 3 1/2 years, 5 years, 7 years, 9 years. 

15 months – completely active, throws objects, “dart and dash” age

18 months – cannot wait, in the taking phase but not the giving phase, needs close and constant supervision in a baby-proofed environment, needs outlet for physical energy

The Gesell Institute says in “Child Behavior:  The Classic Child Care Manual from The Gesell Institution of Human Development”:

“Eighteen months is not one of the “better” ages if we measure goodness in terms of minding, responding to commands, keeping within reasonable bounds.  However, if we can appreciate the immaturity – of motor ability, language, and emotions – of the 18-monther, it can be fairly easy to keep his behavior within reasonable limits…..Thus, if you would like to have him move from wherever he is to wherever you are –lure him, pick him up and carry him, but for best results, do not call him. He is simply not mature enough to respond,  in most instances, to such a verbal command…..”Coat-hat-out” is about as complicated a command as the average 18-monther can follow.” 

2 years – loving, affectionate, cannot share

2 1/2 years – a peak age of disequilibrium typically, typically rigid and inflexible, wants everything done according to what they want, when they want it, domineering and demanding, violent emotions, no ability to choose between alternatives or make a choice and stick to it

3 years – the age of “we” (mommy and me), no longer rigid and inflexible,

3 1/2 years – new motor incoordination, new stuttering, tensional outlets, emotional insecurity, crying, whining, frequent questions, demanding

4 years – “out of bounds” – hit, kick, throw things, break things, run away.  Out of bound emotionally, rage/loud silly behavior, shocking language, out of bounds in relationships, “swaggers, swears, boasts, defies.”  Height of imagination,

4 1/2 years – Height of mixture of reality and imagination, can be a time of catching up in motor/language, play is less wild than at age 4, fine motor coordination improved and will often begin to be interested in drawing,

5 years – equilibrium, mother center of the world, an enjoyable age

5 1/2 years  to 6 years – violent emotions, emotional outbursts, mother no longer center of the world,  the child wants to be the center of his own world now, demanding, rigid, “negative, rude, resistant.”   They typically have to be right, to win, to be praised.

The Gesell Institute writes, “Whatever the situation, we can make it a little easier for the 5 1/2 or 6 –year-old, and for ourselves, be respecting ourselves, by respecting the fact that he is having a difficult time within himself as well as in his relations with others.  Use techniques where you can.  Bypass as  many unhappy incidents as you can.”

6 1/2 to 7 years –  more calm, more withdrawn, more complaining, moody, moping

8 years –  exuberant, enthusiastic, often will not finish a task, speedy, may have tears of “I never do it right!”, “needs protection both from trying to do too much and from too excessive self-criticism when failures occur.”

9 years – quieter, calmer, very independent, less arguing back, more interested in friends than family, interested in excursions and what adults will do with/for him but not as interested in the relationship itself, worries and complains

10 years – equilibirum, enjoys and listens to parents, tries to “be good”, pleased with the world.

That is a quick overview of each age; do look up the Gesell Institute Books (“Your One-Year-Old”, “Your Two-Year-Old” etc.) for more information from a traditional developmental viewpoint.  I also would like to point out the list of gentle discipline/development books I posted here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/27/favorite-books-for-gentle-discipline/

Blessings,

Carrie

How To Talk To Your Seven and Eight-Year Old

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My friend and I were talking about this today:   how exactly do you talk to a seven or eight year old about things?  In Waldorf, we say to speak to the young child under age seven as if painting pictures with our words.  We strive for keeping the young child  dreamy and not just handing the five or six-year old piles of information for which they have no context.  We try to work through movement,through  their bodies, through music.

But what does one do with this age of seven and eight?  A seven or eight year still feels as though they are a part of the world, not separate.  A part of that rock, that tree, that root over there, a part of you and a part of me.  The world is still a beautiful place.   But yet, the world is opening up and they are changing.  We are supposed to be providing more information at this point because they are past that six/seven year transformation. 

What I finally thought of was this analogy:  sometimes with weaning a child, you hear the phrase don’t offer, but don’t refuse.  In other words, if the child initiates a nursing session, go with it if you can but don’t offer if you don’t have to.  I always thought this was a rather simplistic way to approach weaning (and you can see the two weaning posts on here if you would like to see more of my views on weaning!) but today I thought about the spirit of this.

If your seven or eight year old asks things, answer them as simply as possible. Now is the time to start answering things.  However, do take into account that they don’t need a book on the subject, and in fact, most children of this age are satisfied with just a sentence or two about their subject of inquiry.

When offering information, one must always be thinking:  is this topic something they need to know everything about right now?  In a year, when this topic comes up again, can I address it further?  Will this topic come up again in everyday life and can I address it little by little as it comes up?

If I want to bring something up with my child, I always ask myself, do they need this information now?  Is it essential information for them right this minute?  In a year, when they have more maturity, will it be better received at that point?

Parenting often has more of an art to it than people suppose and these are the questions I ask myself.  When to lead, when to follow my child’s lead, how much information to provide and when.  I firmly believe there should be a difference in what we tell an eight-year-old and a fifteen-year-old on  a given topic. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Simple February: Hospitality in The Home

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Hospitality is the art of  offering a “generous and cordial reception of guests” according to Webster’s dictionary.  Another definition of hospitality, according to Webster’s, is “offering a pleasant or sustaining environment”.  Hospitable can also allude to being open and receptive.

Making our homes a place of generosity, cordial reception is a wonderful goal.  Perhaps the best way to start this is to do so with our closest family members – our spouses and our children.

I feel my husband is worthy of my respect.  Do you respect your husband?  Do you respect the way he handles the children or are you always stepping in? Do you find fault with your husband frequently?

Can you start by making your home a place of hospitality for your husband?  Can you be cordial and generous with him?  How could you make your home a place of greater comfort for him?

Perhaps he needs some downtime when he walks in the door instead of being jumped on by children.  What could you do to facilitate that?

 Are you hospitable to your children?  Are most of your words to them commands or demands or nagging or yelling? 

Children under the age of 7 learn by imitation; they learn how to treat other people by watching how you treat your husband, how he treats you, and how you treat them.

That being said, treating a child kindly is not enough to make them always treat you back respectfully.  They are learning!  Remember to have appropriate expectations for their ages and to respect the fact that they are indeed learning.

Is your home place of comfort?  Are there things of beauty, things that bring joy into your eyes in your home?  These do not have to be expensive things; an old table worn by good meals, a single flower in a small vase are all wonderful.  What do you have of beauty?

Is your home a warm and  nourishing place where time slows down?

Finally,  what are you doing to be hospitable to yourself?  Are you expecting too much of yourself?  What is nourishing you these days?  Crafting, writing, having time to sit down and read all can be nourishing.  Do you have wonderful, close friends to love and share with?

Simple times,

Carrie

Social Isolation For Stay-At-Home Mothers?

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Many, many mothers have told me their day goes smoothest for their children when they stay home but that there is an issue of feeling isolated themselves when they only go out  two times a week or once a week!  It really is a fine line, isn’t it, between doing what is really good for small children, who do need to be firmly entrenched in the home, but also keeping our sanity!  Do you all remember that post where I wrote the average woman speaks 25,000 words a day or something like that?  I  mean, those words have gotta come out somewhere, right?  It can be hard when we only have a small child around, and then we tend to start talking just to hear ourselves talk and we overtalk that poor child to death!

Ladies, again, I think this is a fine line.  For many mothers I know who suffer from post-partum depression, they have to be around some people to keep them on an even keel, so this whole forty days at home doesn’t work well for them unless they have a strong support system of folks willing to come to them.  I also encourage mothers to get their friend fix without their small children if possible, because let’s face it, to get support we want to talk about the challenges of parenting and I think that is so hard to do with all your children listening!  Perhaps that is a possibility for you!  (Obviously I am all for breastfeeding infants and toddlers coming along because they have such an intense need for their mothers!)

So, I think of this depends upon where you are in your parenting journey, and some of it depends upon your personality.  I am completely extroverted, (uh, other than I need my quiet time at night so I can write!) but I LOVE people, I love to hear their stories and all these connections go off in my head.  It is like pinballs bouncing around in my head, ping, ping, ping.   I bet you all could hear that in that Waldorf Connection Radio Show, LOL!   I am very lucky that   I have a pretty great circle of friends.  However, that took time to build up! 

So what do you do if you have no friends locally yet?  I don’t think entrenching your children in your home means you never go out of your home – can you walk to the park?  Play outside in your subdivision or street?    Do you have neighbors?  Is there a homeschooling group you could attend?  Can you go to a La Leche League meeting or an Attachment Parenting meeting and meet some mothers?  Do you have ANY friends that you could take turns going to their house one week and them coming to you one week so you both could be home one extra day during the week?  Just remember that small children really need you to hold that space in the beginning with a structured activity, and to really keep those times with other children short!  There are many posts on this blog regarding “playdates” for small children, perhaps those would help you to have a successful time of it!

Some mothers feel very isolated when they have that first child, because maybe their friends haven’t had children yet, so it is like building a circle of friends all over in many ways.  That is a challenging time of transition!  At the time you are challenged by finding your way in parenting, you are also feeling separate from all your former friends!  I think in  that case you do need to get out and meet some new people – neighbors, people at your place of worship whom you don’t know well but would like to get to know, people you run into with children at the store even!

Make a list – do you know women whom you would like to get to know better?  Can you call them up and arrange a meeting?  What qualities do you want in a friend?  Write them down!  I have seen mothers post flyers at their local health food store, yoga studio, etc  asking for mothers with children of certain ages to call them to arrange a meeting… Yes, it is a risk in some ways, but sometimes one has to be proactive!    Sometimes mothers meet over message boards, forums…Did you all know my local Waldorf homeschooling group actually started with three of us who met on-line?  It was like this:  “What, you are in Georgia?  I’m in Georgia!  We live really far apart, but so what, let’s form a group! Probably there will only be the three of us!” (now we have about 25 families as members! Never thought that would happen!)  Everything has to start somewhere!

Sometimes Waldorf homeschoolers have a hard time getting together with other families because they feel the other families won’t understand the way they parent.  That can be true, if the other children are really media-saturated and can only play in reference to media, but I have to say:  search for that common ground.  You may be a really positive influence for someone else!  Also, check with your Unschoolers!  I find in the Early Years, we often have quite a bit in common with our unschooling friends as far as more of that unfolding gesture in our educational philosophies!

This is SUCH an important issue, please, please leave a comment and talk about how you handle this balance – being home, making new friends who might be conducive to your parenting style, what to do!

Connections make the world go round,

Carrie

“I Bet Ma and Pa Ingalls Never Had This Problem!”

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Some mothers have said to me :  why did  Mary and Laura Ingalls seemed to pretty much always do what they were told?  And they never really “talked back” either!  What was the secret of Ma and Pa Ingalls and what are we doing wrong?!

Kim John Payne says that this question actually came up when he spoke, and at first he didn’t know what to say….And then he realized the answer was quite simple:  Pa Ingalls didn’t say too much, so when he did say something, he was listened to by the children!  You can read about this in the book “Simplicity Parenting” (the review is here:) https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/26/favorite-waldorf-resource-2-simplicity-parenting-using-the-extraordinary-power-of-less-to-raise-calmer-happier-and-more-secure-kids-by-kim-john-payne-and-lisa-ross/

Personally, I think there were other factors as well…..Read on!

First of all, I think in our society we equate talking small children to death as a sign of respect.   We believe we are providing dignity to the young child, giving them a voice, when in fact we are giving them choices, options and a give and take way beyond their years and developmental level.  Why is singing to our child, or giving our children a strong rhythm not seen as a measure of respect for where they are in our country? 

Second of all, we seem to think that the more peer interaction a child has, the better off a child will be.  They then become peer-oriented and peer-dependent at an early age.  Gordon Neufeld addresses this beautifully in his book, “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Matter More Than Peers”, available here:http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267010344&sr=1-1      ..I am re-reading this right now, and it spoke to me when my children were very small, and it speaks to me now that my children are a bit bigger but still small.  It should be required reading in this country, where we seem to think it is normal to send a two-year-old off to “school”.  It baffles me that separation from the family, the pressure for an adult day, the academic foisting on small children has changed so much in the generations since World War Two

Third of all, the reason our children don’t listen is that we talk WAY too much and we give them WAY too much insight into how we make decisions instead of just telling them the decision!  We don’t listen enough, and then when we do listen and “factor” this into our decision-making, we prattle on through all the adult choices, all the adult reasoning (and this three or four-year old is listening, and unfortunately, they really don’t see our decision-making process as such I am afraid) and I think it comes off as not being decisive to them simply because they cannot process this adult reasoning pattern. 

So what can we do?

Connect with your children!  Connect with them in the morning!  Connect with them during the day!  How do we connect?  Hold them, laugh with them, sing to them, play with them.  LOVE them, delight in them!  Stop separating them from you when they do something not right – love them and guide them through it!  Have them make restitution, that means much more than sending them off to sit in a chair!  Have them own the problem and fix the problem, and leave their dignity intact!

Listen more and talk less!  Here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/04/a-mouthodometer/   and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/14/stop-talking/

Go through the decision-making process in your head, not out loud.  Say what you mean and do what you say.  This is called  INTEGRITY, and this is  a good thing to model for small children so they will grow up to be people of integrity.

Have confidence.  It continually amazes me that in this day and age, there is so much complete MIS-information about the small child, the baby.  I have heard parents say their five-month old is “manipulating them” or their one’-year-old is “defiant”.  What??!!  This is wishful thinking, folks!  See back posts on defiance in the small child here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/

Develop yourself and have a PLAN for how to improve your parenting.  What is your plan for becoming the parent you want to be?  In business or in your career, you might have had a goal, but you also would have made a plan to get there!  Make a commitment, write it down – what needs to happen in your home and how will you get there? Enlist a friend to keep you accountable!

Many blessings,

Carrie 

PS see the many interesting comments below…some of them focused on the physical punishment part of the Ingalls family….hard for many of us to fathom and painful to read…Steiner talks about the evolution of humanity and human consciousness and how we really don’t understand the consciousness of another time and place because we are different now…something to that effect.  Very interesting stuff, but for the sake of this post I wasn’t really focused on that end of it, more the communications end of it, but thanks for your comments!  It’s just that a lot of  mothers bring up Ma and Pa Ingalls and their listening children…that’s all, nothing really deeper than that!  🙂

Lots of New!

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There are now three new pages at the top of this blog where the “Home” and “About” tags are.  One details posts available in Spanish, one is a fast primer on discipline, and one lists the pregnancy/breastfeeding/baby/toddler links on this blog.

Thanks for checking it all out!

Blessings,

Carrie

Planning 101: Planning for Fall

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In the United States, the school year typically runs from fall (August/September) through (May/June).  This means that many mothers start to order homeschooling materials for fall in March or April.

There are many questions out on the lists and forums regarding curriculum for Waldorf homeschooling.  Here is a back post in which I listed the Waldorf consultants who have been around for a time and whom I feel at least have read Steiner and stick truly to Steiner’s indications for the grades…there may be others now since this list was written, but at least it gives you a starting point:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/03/waldorf-consultants/

I typically take pieces of this and that and write my own curriculum    Many veteran mothers write their own curriculum over the summer, so that by fall they have their own custom and individualized curriculum for that child! 

Here are some suggestions for planning:

There is actually more on planning, but that’s a good start!

Blessings,

Carrie

The Number One Way to Discipline A Child

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….is through connection and attachment, not through separation.  This is why threats, time-outs, and other traditional discipline methods fail.

Attachment and connection with your child is the number one way to guide a child.  You can sure  hold them when they cry because Grandma can’t come to dinner.  You can sure hold them as they learn it is hard sometimes to share.  You can help them adapt, but you cannot help them if you send them into a time-out.  You are not changing the realities of life, you are not  changing the boundary, but you are recognizing the very human struggle that goes into learning something.  You are  recognizing  the strong bond between the child and the parent. 

How do you connect?  A young child is in  their body – hug them, kiss them, rub their backs, massage their hands and feet, pat them on the back, tickle them, rough house with them, hold them, carry them, treasure them – and do it at the times when things are falling apart.  Get down to their eye level and love them and support them, even if you don’t feel they are being lovable.

The relationship with this child is what carries the discipline.  Help your child to learn and to grow; you are raising a child to become an adult of brilliance.

Peaceful guiding,

Carrie

Multiculturism in Waldorf Early Grades

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Annette wrote a lovely post about using stories beyond just The Brothers Grimm here:  http://natural-childhood.blogspot.com/  Please do take the time to go and read it; Annette has some great thoughts about how to bring all this to your children!

Please do keep in mind that modern Waldorf schools in the United States and Europe now pull from a variety of cultural traditions for fairy tales, folk tales and legends besides just the Brothers Grimm.   I know our local Waldorf school here in Kindergarten and First Grade uses a large number  of African and Asian fairy tales.  Besides that, different cultures, religions and places in world geography are addressed each year in the journey through the grades.

Luckily, in homeschooling, we can pick and choose the best for our family!

Here are some resources to assist you:

  • If you are Waldorf homeschooling, you really should have Betty Staley’s book, “Hear The Voice of the Griot!” which is a Waldorf  resource for teaching about  Africa for Kindergarten all the way through high school.    I wrote a review here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/10/hear-the-voice-of-the-griot/
  • Here is a wonderful article “Diversity and Story in the Kindergarten” from Gateways:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW3303.pdf
  • Here is an article by Donna Simmons tracing geography through the grades:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/waldorf-homeschool-publishing-and-consulting/curriculum/subjects/geography.html
  • There is a wonderful little booklet called, (can you guess?LOL) Multiculturism in Waldorf Education…In it are fairy tales from around the world appropriate for the Kindergarten Years – the tales are from Africa, Zulu, East Africa, Japan, Tlingit, and Micmac traditions.  THere is also a list of multi-cultural picture books.
  • Teach your children foreign languages, there are several posts on this blog about that.  It is a great way to absorb information about new cultures.  We are learning Spanish and German in our homeschool and interact with native speakers from Spanish and German speaking countries. 
  • Cooking is a great place to add in different types of foods from different lands in connection with festivals from those places. 
  • Music is another wonderful place to add in languages and ideas about how people from other cultures do things.
  • Do work consciously to provide tales from many different traditions,and to really study cultures and geography in the grades.  There are many wonderful archetypal tales out there for the younger crowd; you see similar themes appearing again and again.

Many blessings,

Carrie