Great Read-Alouds for Waldorf At Home First Grade

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For those of you who have ever looked at a “pre-packaged” curriculum for homeschooling, there is usually a package of read-alouds that correspond to the grade level your child is in.  Waldorf homeschooling automatically  has many stories built into the curriculum, but doesn’t always have an automatic stack of read-alouds to accompany each grade.  There are some books that have suggestions for books though! One wonderful book is entitled, “Waldorf Student Reading List” by Pamela Johnson Fenner and Karen L Rivers.  Donna Simmons also has suggestions for read-alouds within her “Living Language” book, available through her website at www.christopherushomeschool.org.

From a Waldorf perspective, the most important thing to remember when choosing books and stories for the child under 9 is that the child is still one with the world and all things in it. Therefore, most appropriate are not the books and stories where one empathetically identifies with the protagonist, but ones where the archetypal images still prevail. 

Therefore, fairy tales are a wonderful basis for read-alouds. Here is a list of read-alouds we have enjoyed so far this school year or are planning on reading this year:

Grimms’ Fairy Tales

Russian Fairy Tales – we used a copy from Dover Books

Japanese Fairy Tales – we used a copy from Dover Books

All of the books by Virginia Haviland “Favorite Fairy Tales Told in (Poland, Russia, Norway, etc)”  There are quite a few of them and you can find them quite cheaply used on Amazon or possibly at your local library.

Andrew Lang’s “The Red Fairy Book” – most of the tales seem about right, some of the books in these series are best left until your child is much older!

The Junior Classics Volume One “Fairy Tales and Fables”, published in 1938 – we have read the fairy tales and are saving the fables for next year.  This volume really has especially wonderful tales from Czechoslovakia that we adore.

Isabel Wyatt’s The Seven Year Old Wonder Book – always nice to read leading up to your child’s seventh birthday, a Waldorf tradition

The Tiptoes Lightly series by Reg Down

Any and all Elsa Beskow books (picture books)

Any and all Jack Prelutsky books (poetry)

The Book of Fairy Poetry by Michael Hague (poetry)

Here are some that don’t especially fit the fairy tale mode but your child may enjoy, depending on their attention span:

Any and all of Edward Ardizzone’s Little Tim series – picture books, rather droll, where Tim goes out to sea on many adventures and everything works out well in the end.  Pre-read for sensitive readers because there are bad guys, shipwrecks, etc.  Boys especially may like these, but my girls like them as well.

Twig and Big Susan, both by Elizabeth Orton Jones

The Racketty Packetty House

And all Thornton Burgess books, although some parents leave these till second grade.

The Paddington Series of books by Michael Bond

Mr. Popper’s Penguins by R. and F. Atwater

Winnie the Pooh and other works by AA Milne

Okay, and three where you will identify with the protagonist, so not the Waldorf ideal per se,  but still lovable –

B is for Betsy by Carolyn Haywood, published in 1940.  Betsy goes to the first grade – innocent, sweet and for the adults, totally points out what is wrong with First Grade today (uh, did that political commentary slip out??!!)

Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder – save the other ones in the series till later.

and somehow my eldest found the hardback classic Heidi amongst my things so we read it last year in early December and we will read it this year as well.  Not really appropriate for a first grader, but it really speaks to my little girl.  Heidi does show an ideal rhythm though, doesn’t it?  Fresh air, goat-herding, delayed academics …..heeheeheehee. 🙂

There are other favorites I could go on about from Kindergarten, but those are probably best saved till another post.  🙂

Two  last thoughts:  Please tell stories before bedtime, don’t read!  We started with reading and I have found it so difficult to get my kids to accept storytelling in place of reading.  Start early with your storytelling, it will serve you and your children well.  Many families do reading after lunch before quiet time and tell stories before bedtime.  The best stories you tell are the ones you make up yourself!!

The second thought is this: for voracious readers, like my eldest, do not feel you have to get them new reading material all the time.  We re-read, and re-read and re-read.  First grade (and Kindergarten) should still be about being in the body.  Reading books and having to have a new book all the time can be a form of stimulation just like wanting constant entertainment, so if your little one wants to sit and read or thumb through books for hours on end, consider your rhythm and what times of the day reading is okay.

I feel another post coming on…..

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Wonderful Waldorf

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People who know my husband and I in “real life” were somewhat surprised to hear we had chosen a Waldorf-inspired path for the home education of our two children.  Most people who know a little about Waldorf say, “Isn’t that the method where children do not learn to read until they are nine?”  Other parents we knew who had actually visited a Waldorf school usually only visited a Waldorf Kindergarten, and  the “pink bubble” of the Kindergarten did not impress them as setting the stage for an academically rigorous education.  These are a few of the common but pervasive myths surrounding Waldorf education that I would like to bust today in this post.

I would like to list for you all the 10 most wonderful things I have found about Waldorf education, why I consider it the best way to educate a child, and why you truly should consider it for your own family.

1.  No other curriculum I have found takes on the task of educating the entire child – body, mind, soul and spirit – and also takes into account what the adult who went through this kind of  educational process will be like as a result.  In Waldorf Education, what kind of adult the child will be in thirty or forty years really matters.  The health of the child and the future adult the child will become is of utmost importance.

The “con” to this is that Rudolf Steiner based this upon his way of seeing the child, which may or may not be in agreement with your religious or spiritual views.  Some people would say they cannot work with Waldorf at all because the curriculum is based upon that.  I feel the curriculum is well coordinated with Piaget, Gesell and often does things that are done in European education, irrespective of Steiner’s spiritual base.  I leave that to you to decide and wade through.

2.  Waldorf education respects the stages of childhood development.  This is why formal academics are delayed until the first grade, why a nine year old in the third grade studies house building and farming, why a fifth grader studies the Greeks and Ancient History.  I appreciate the fact that nothing is random within the curriculum, and that the curriculum is built upon what will feed the child’s soul at each and every age.

3.  I am glad to see a high emphasis placed upon the arts and teaching through the arts throughout the grades.  This resonates within me that we as human beings should be close to the wonderful and beautiful things that we can create – art, music, handwork.

4.  Waldorf is one of the only methods I know that looks at what Steiner termed “soul economy.”  Steiner’s thought was this, as written in the lecture “The Waldorf School“ in the lectures compiled in Soul Economy:  “The aim of Waldorf education is to arrange all of the teaching so that in the shortest possible time the maximum amount of material can be  presented to students by the simplest means possible.”  He goes on to say:  “This helps children retain an overall view of their subjects – not so much intellectually, but very much in their feeling life.”  Some may read this last statement as evidence that Steiner did not mean for Waldorf education to be academically rigorous.  I view this as evidence that Waldorf education is more than just the rampant “Factoid-ization” that is occurring within our educational system today and causing the United States to be behind in nearly all educational standards by the time our children graduate from high school.  Memorizing facts does not equate to knowledge and the ability to problem –solve.  Waldorf education does require a lot of memorization – verses, songs, rhymes, multiplication tables, addition tables, scientific facts – but it also looks at the memorization of these facts within a bigger picture of understanding and knowledge.

5.  The beauty of music resonates throughout the kindergarten years with the pentatonic scales and rich singing through the use of a blowing instrument in the early grades leading up to use of a stringed instrument in the third grade and going through a History of Music in high school.  Music has important ties to math and should hold a high place within educational standards.

6.  The way Waldorf education approaches reading makes perfect sense to me.  Oral storytelling, verses and singing within the Kindergarten years provide that deep, rich basis for language.  Waiting until a child is likely to have the attention, handwriting skills and visual tracking abilities to successfully  read also makes perfect sense.  In Waldorf schools, children learn to read by reading what they themselves have written and drawn in a main lesson book.  Waldorf education traces the letters through how people long ago may have started to devise symbols for things and how that translates into the alphabet.  The pictures of stories of the letters really stick in the children’s minds, as opposed to them just trying to remember which way a “g” goes and how is that different than a “j”? 

There probably are always children within a Waldorf Kindergarten who have taught themselves to read, and that is fine and much different than having phonics lessons shoved down your child’s throat.  Many of the children who have taught themselves to read literally go from reading nothing to being able to read whatever they want.  It is innate and inborn, and guess what?  They still enjoy hearing the stories of the letters in first grade just as much as the other children!  Waldorf education focuses on not just the academic education needed for life, but the stories that build a child’s soul for where they are.  First Grade is still just the bridge between Kindergarten and the more rigorous work to come.

7.  Waldorf’s approach to science focuses on moving from whole to parts and involves more than giving a child a hypothesis to prove with an experiment.  For more information regarding the Gothean approach to science that Waldorf utilizes, please see the following website:  www.natureinstitute.org

8.  Throughout all of the school years, Waldorf education places utmost importance upon the child developing into a moral human.  In this day and age, how can anything be more important than that?  This is to me what schools try to approach through “character development” classes but far misses the mark compared to the beauty and morality that rings throughout all of Waldorf education in EVERY subject – including math and science! 

9.  Waldorf education takes the tiny, delicate wings of a child’s imagination and makes them fly and soar like an eagle.  The world our children will inherit will be even more fast-paced than today most likely.  The adults who will succeed in this world will be the ones who will be imaginative, creative, out-of the box problem solvers.  Will your child be one of those adults?

10.  Waldorf education, through the use of its shared values, celebration of festivals and rites of passage within the curriculum, promotes a wonderful and close knit community that families are glad and proud to be a part of!

If you would like more information regarding Waldorf Education, please visit one of the following websites:

For use of Waldorf within the home environment, please see the following:

David Darcy:  www.ddarcy.com

Barbara Dewey:  www.waldorfwithoutwalls.com

Marsha Johnson’s Yahoo! Group

Melisa Nielsen’s website (she is also a reader of this blog!) (she also has a Yahoo! Group):  http://www.alittlegardenflower.com/

Eugene Schwartz:  www.millennialchild.org

Christopherus:  www.christopherushomeschool.org

For general information regarding Waldorf, please see the following:

http://www.whywaldorfworks.org/

http://www.waldorfearlychildhood.org/

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

For All The Jellyfish In The Sea

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I recently had several “self-confessed jellyfish”  mommies contact me.  They had read my post entitled, “Developing Healthy Boundaries,” but still were unsure about what they should really enforce in their homes as “none of it seems worth fighting over.”

I am not advocating fighting with your child.  If you approach a child that way, even just in your head before you open your mouth, the whole exchange between the two of you is lost.  I am saying, however, that your child  does deserve the dignity and respect that a peaceful home and good behavior provides.  You are worthy of a child who eventually embodies self-discipline, self-motivation and self-responsibility. Your family is worthy of  having a clean, peaceful home to live in.

My suggestion for “things worth quibbling over” would include the following:

Having the child respect himself, others and the Earth with his or her body and words.  Everyone deserves to be safe. 

Keeping the home environment picked up and clean within the child’s ability and with the parent’s help.

Everyone should have the right and ability to rest when they need.  Quiet time and the need for quiet activity should not be a dirty word within the home.

Manners that will serve your child well throughout his or her life are worth demonstrating and working on.  Good manners include such things as how we speak to others, table manners, how we act in different environments outside of our home with other people, even the importance of being on time in our culture.

Some people write a family mission statement to try to embody the things that are most important to them.  This may be helpful to you.  Remember though, with small children under the age of 7, we mainly show these things through modeling and physically helping the child.  This will mean infinitely more than a bunch of  head-oriented, verbal demands.  Please see the post entitled, “Take My Three Day Challenge.”   We command by using our Authentic Leadership, we do not work with our children by verbally wearing them out!

These are just beginning thoughts and I would love to hear from all of the wonderful mothers out there:  What is vitally and essentially important for my little jellyfish of the sea to think about in their homes?

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Take My Three Day Challenge

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For those of you with children under the age of 7, have you ever thought how many times a day you are giving a directive to your child?  Even if it is a positively phrased directive, it is still a directive that causes a child to go up into his head and awakens the child into self-awareness.  Parents and teachers who understand child development from a Waldorf perspective believe that every time we bring a child into self-awareness and into the consciousness of before the seventh year, we are taking away energy that the child should be using for formation of the physical organs.  The belief is that this may not show up as harmful in the child’s life until they are adults.  Even if you do not believe this, I think we can all agree that in this fast-paced world, the stress and strain and viewing the small child as a miniature adult with just less experience is leading to incredible challenges of increased suicide rates and pyschological disorders in the teenaged years and beyond.  Think about how we parent and why we parent is really important!

Parenting is all about looking at the  doing the right thing at the right time within child development.  If you are providing lots of verbal directives to your small child, you are putting the cart before the horse by using a tool that is not really needed until later developmental stages. 

“But what do I use then?”  you cry. “Children need direct instruction!”

Rudolf Steiner did not think so. He wrote in his lecture, “Children Before the Seventh Year,” found in the book Soul Economy, the following passage about the first two and a half years:

“During the first two and a half years, children have a similar rapport with the mother or with others they are closely connected with as long as their attitude and conduct make this possible.  Then children become perfect mimics and imitators.  This imposes a moral duty on adults to be worthy of such imitation, which is far less comfortable then exerting one’s will on children.”

He then goes on to describe the period of the ages from two and a half through age five as one that “can be recognized externally by the emergence of an exceptionally vivid memory and wonderful imagination.  However, you must take great care when children develop these two faculties, since they are instrumental in building the soul.  Children continue to live by imitation, and therefore we should not attempt to make them remember things we choose.”

He ends with a few thoughts about the period from age five to age seven:

“Previously, unable to understand what they should or should not do, they could only imitate, but now, little by little, they begin to listen to and believe what adults say.  Only toward the fifth year is it possible to awaken a sense of right and wrong in children.  We can educate children correctly only by realizing that, during this first seven year period until the change of teeth, children live by imitation, and only gradually do they develop imagination and memory and a first belief in what adults say.”

So, if any of that resonates with you, come along with me and take my three day challenge.  For three days, try to bring a consciousness to the words you choose with your children.  How much chit chat do you do all day with your children?  Can you replace that with peaceful  humming or singing? 

How many directives do you give that could be either carried by your rhythm, done with no words at all (for example, instead of saying, “Now let’s brush our teeth!” could you just hand Little Johnny his toothbrush?) or could your words be phrased in a way that involves fantasy or movement?  For example, if you need your child to sit down at the table to eat, you could ask your baby bird to fly over to the table and sit in its nest.  “Mama Bird has food for you!”  Could you redirect your child into some sort of movement that involves their imagination that would satisfy the need for peace in your home?

Music through singing and the poetry of verses are wonderful ways to provide transitions throughout the day along with the strength of your rhythm.  Many of the old Mother Goose rhymes are fabulous for all parts of the daily routine.  Songs provide a peaceful energy and a needed source of warmth for the young child’s soul.

A mother asked, “What do I do if my child is doing something harmful to me or to another child? Don’t I need to use direct words then?”

I believe this depends on the age and temperament of the child.  As mentioned in other posts, many times the most effective method is to be able to physically move the child away from the situation or to physically follow through in a calm way.  You would never expect your words to be enough in a highly charged emotional situation for a child under 7.  A Complete and Unabridged Lecture on the Harms of Hurting Others is often not what is needed in the moment.

Perhaps in this case, helping the child to make amends after the emotions of the situation have decreased would be a most powerful means to redemption.  When we make a mistake, even an accidental mistake, we strive to make it right.  An excellent lesson for us all, no matter what our age.  We do not let this behavior slide, but we do work toward setting it all right again.

“What about giving my child a warning that an activity will change?  Don’t I need words then?”

If you are at home, your rhythm should carry many of the words you would otherwise use.  There may be older children of five or six that appreciate a warning, again dependent upon their temperament, and there may be some children that think they need to know everything that happens in advance but in reality it only makes them anxious and they talk of nothing else. 

These are all important questions, and perhaps this three day challenge will assist you in sorting out the answers for you and your family as you strive toward a more peaceful home.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

They Come With Their Own Ideas

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This was a fairly hilarious exchange between my first grader and I yesterday (see if you don’t get a chuckle out of it at least!)

Daughter:  “When I grow up, I want to draw, paint, write books and be an illustrator and paint big pictures on walls – what’s that called, Mommy?”

Me: “Painting murals.”

Daughter: “Yes, that’s it.  I had an idea for this picture I could paint over our fireplace and it would perfectly coordinate and everything.”

Me:  “That would be nice.”

Daughter: “Yes, and when I grow up I am not going to college.  I am going to Italy!”

Me (searching my mind wildly, I swear I have not heard this one before): “Italy?  Why Italy?”

Daughter:  “Italy is where Leonardo DaVinci painted.  I read about that.  I am going to go there and paint.  What language do they speak in Italy, momma?”

Me:  “Italian, boo-boo.”

Daughter: “Okay, I need a tutor so I can start learning Italian!”

Okay, kiddo, guess that will be your next language to learn….The ideas they have, and the plans!  Gotta love it!

More About Fostering Creative Play

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“I could go out in the yard and entertain myself for hours when I was a child!  With one stick!  With half a stick!”  you exclaim. “Yet, my child can’t entertain themselves for five minutes!”

Many parents feel this way and wonder what they are doing wrong, or what they can do to foster more imaginative, independent play.  There are several things to think about regarding the child under 7 and play.  To me, the child under age 7 is an imitative creature:  therefore,  it makes perfect sense  that a child under 7 is not developmentally ready to go off and initiate play for hours on end. 

However, there are several things you can do to help the process.

The first step is to consider that a child needs a play environment as discussed in the previous post, “Fostering Creative Play.”  Most of all, think about seriously streamlining the amount of toys available to your child at one time, make sure there are places and spaces for the toys to be placed neatly, and do make sure there are small places where like items can be grouped together for play.

The second step is to provide your child with something worthy to imitate.  Your child under the age of 5 is probably not going to follow you around the house peacefully while you “get your work done”, at least at first.   Being child-inclusive but not child-centered does not mean that you never play with your child, nor does it mean you never help your child get started with play.

With small children, you may only get fifteen minutes of work done at a time.  You  may, without any words, then be able to take down something for your child  to play with and start the play off and  then wander back to your work.  I say without any words because the moment you say, “Let’s play with the wooden kitchen now..” they will screech, “Nooooo!  I don’t want to play that!”  However, if you get engrossed in playing or setting something up  without words, they will watch you and start to do what you do.  Imitation at its finest.

One thing to consider is that in the decades before families had two cars, most mothers were home all day with their children – they had no car to go anywhere else!  There were tasks to be completed around the home and the children were there to see this.  Some families carry this tradition on today, and work hard at staying home and providing their children with real work.  For example, you could wash on Mondays and let your child help wash toys in the playroom or the linens from his room.  He could help fold napkins or washcloths from the laundry or hang things out on a small line to dry.  On Tuesdays, if you bake bread , your small child could help you put the ingredients in the bowl, assist with the mixing and the kneading and later with the shaping of the bread (and the eating, of course).  Cleaning up the kitchen could also be a part of this day while the bread is rising.  If you do handwork on Wednesdays, your child could also have a small basket with scraps of felt or yarn.  An older kindergartner could learn to finger knit.  Some families garden every day or at least once a week; small children can help plant or pick produce or pull weeds in between their investigations for bugs.  Fridays in many families is housekeeping day.  On this day, your small child could help polish wooden toys or help you clean.  Every family has a rhythm to the week that is unique to them and to their children; the above are just random examples for you to think about.  These everyday, mundane kinds of tasks come out in their play. Baking day can turn into the play of  cutting out homemade dough shapes to “cook” on a red play silk, for example.

The third step is to carefully and mindfully consider the amount of screen time your small child is viewing.  Many parents find that the problem with TV is that there are things that their children are not doing by watching TV.  In the book “Alternatives to TV Handbook” by Marie McClendon, she states, “Children now play about 2 hours less a day on average than they did 10 years ago.  Yet those who play more have richer vocabularies, better problem-solving skills, more curiosity, higher intelligence, longer attention spans and better abilities to see the perspectives of others.”  Regardless of what the content of the TV show is, the images are re-drawn or scanned about 60 times a second.  TV-induced alpha brain waves are considered by researchers as a non-learning mode of brain behavior.  If your child is showing such behaviors as poor school performance, poor attention span, lack of imaginative play and spontaneous play, aggressively talking back to adults, hitting or pushing other children or frequent nightmares, please consider the amount of media your child is watching.  

The fourth step is to consider the amount of time you spend outside every day; this is vitally important in your child’s creative play.  If you are outside, nature will provide the backdrop for the child’s indoor play.  Whether this is in the simple worms and pillbugs your child delights in, providing food for the birds, picking flowers or produce out of the garden, it will all show up in your child’s play and the songs they make up to sing.  I know families with three and four year olds who spend the vast majority of their day outside.

The fifth point to consider the overall rhythm to your day – it should not be just “play all day” for your child.  We have discussed involving your child in your work.  However, the rhythm to all of this is quite important as there should be times for in-breath and out-breath, times of expansive physical movement and play grounded with time for quietly listening to a story that mother is telling or for rest.  An example rhythm for small children under the age of 7  may be a period of playing outside, snack,  work focus for the day, lunch, quiet time/down time, storytelling , perhaps something involving art either inspired by the story or some sort of seasonally– based art, snack again, free play or outside play again, dinner preparation and dinner and then a bedtime routine.  Every family’s daily rhythm looks different, but if you take the time to meditate on it and think and yes, even plan, you may come up with a wonderful, peaceful day that enhances the quality of life for every member of the family.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Top 10 Must Have Tools for Gentle Discipline

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So, we arrive at the point where we must think about the gentle discipline tools we have in our toolbox to replace physical punishment, yelling, nagging.  This post is especially applicable to those families with small children under the age of 7, although many of these techniques will work with school-aged children as well.   A brief note before we get to our Top 10, though.

Barbara Patterson and Pamela Bradley say in their book, “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge – Nurturing Our Children from Birth to Seven” this:

“In The Kingdom of Childhood, Rudolf Steiner says that the child in the first seven years is really an eye. If someone has fits of temper and becomes furiously angry either with the child or in the presence of the child, the child will have the picture of this outburst throughout his entire being.   ….Everything we do in the presence of the child goes in deeply.  Scolding, threats, and yelling do not help in disciplining young children.  This approach may actually weaken their ability to deal with situations later in life.”

So the first thing to remember is that we always guide the under-7 child with the principle of imitation.

Imitation – Rahima Baldwin Dancy says this in her book, “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher”:  “If you want to teach a certain behavior to your child, one of the best ways is to actually do it in front of (or with) him.  This demands that we as adults get up and actually do something, rather than giving the child orders or directions.”

This idea of imitation is so important, it doesn’t even get a number!  It is the basis for so many things in life with a small child.  A small child will imitate in their play the exact way you do things down to how you throw a cleaning rag in the sink, how you roll your eyes when you are upset, and everything and anything else.  So, when you see a behavior, look first to yourself

So, without much further ado, let’s look at some other tools you can pull out in the moment:

1. Humor – Lots of parents take parenting very seriously.  But please don’t take every word that comes out of your small child ‘s mouth so seriously and feel whatever they say is in deep need of serious explanation and weight. 

Here is an example of a “loaded statement” a child may make.  I had a friend recently ask me about her three-year-old saying “I hate you!” when the child was upset.  Fun?  No, but I would give it about as much weight as a three-year-old telling me they can ride their tricycle over hills in the Land of the Giants.  A three-year-old simply does not understand the depth and weight of that statement, and to imply that the child does is not in accordance with their developmental stage or maturity level.  They are mad; but don’t digress from the original situation and get sidetracked!

I think for children of all ages, a better tact to try sometimes, particularly with children under the age of 12, is humor.  I have a wonderful friend whose parenting I really admire, and humor is her number one tool.  I so enjoy watching it at work.  One day her daughter was in the backseat of their car with some other children,  just playing,  when suddenly she looked  like she lost her balance and sort of fell into the corner of a book.  She was holding her eye and getting upset.  There was no blood, no visible bruising, the eye was not teary or red…….

Daughter:  “Mom, someone hit my eye with their foot!”

Mom:  “I thought it looked like you fell a little into that book.”

Daughter:  “No, no, it was a foot!  It was someone’s foot!” (wailing, gnashing of teeth)

Mom:”Hmmm…..Oh well, in that case – Was it a stinky foot?  Does your eye smell?”

(Little brother is now giggling).  Daughter, still teary:  “I don’t know if it was stinky or not. I didn’t get a chance to smell it.”  (Little brother and adults now laughing).

Mom, grabbing daughter for a hug:  “A stinky foot might cause a stinky eye, let’s see!  Um, yup, definitely stinky!”

This could have gone another way – complete escalation as all the adults were certain it was a book corner in the eye, the daughter was sure it was a foot in the eye (like it matters, still hurts!),  it could have deteriorated into reasoning (well, it couldn’t have been a foot as no one was near you at the time), or just being overly serious and pulling out ice packs and lots of concern (remember, there was no blood, or redness) or it could have turned into a small Treatise On The Danger Of Playing in Close Quarters with Others.

Think about humor, think about not taking it all quite so seriously.  There are many situations where humor can save the day.  Humor helps de-escalate things and also models for your child a positive way to look at the sunny side of things and a way to deal with a stressful or frustrating situation.

Many parents say, Save your big reactions for the big things in life! I agree, but in order to do this, you must know what is BIG in your family and to you.  Think about the developmental stages and what fits where and decide what is BIG….Go back and re-read the post on “Big Tools for the Big Picture of Positive Discipline.”

2.  Distraction – this is a viable tool for all children under 7, and even children that are 7 or 8  can still be fairly distractible.  However, this takes creativity in the heat of the moment to think of an appropriate distraction.  Distraction is not a bribe; it is a way to change to scene to your advantage.

Distraction can also show itself by changing the environment.  Some children just need to be outside when they are upset!

3.  Hugs and kisses and being held – solves lots of things without a lot of words. Sometimes you do not need to say much of anything to your child; just holding them lets them know you are there for them.

4. Pictorial imagery –  This is a Waldorf tool that is very useful with small children.  Instead of pulling children into their heads and into a thought-decision kind of process, try using phrases that paint a picture instead.  This can be anything from “Turn that siren down!” for a noisy little one or “Hop like a bunny over here for some food.”  You are re-directing behavior into something more positive through the images that arise from these types of phrases.  For those interested in more about pictorial imagery, please do see Donna Simmons’ bookstore and look under her audio downloads for her CD entitled, “Talking Pictorially” at www.christopherushomeschool.org. 

5. Use of the word “may”  – as in, “Little Johnny, you may bring your plate to the counter for me.  Thank you!”  Be sincere, and this word works well as you set the tone for your own home.

6. Limited choices, less words or no words at all – Sometimes just a look suffices more than a hundred words.  Try just helping your child get into their coat while you sing a song that you usually sing when you go outside.  Try just handing your child their toothbrush after their bath instead of a whole book about the necessity of dental hygiene.  This idea leads to…

7.  Time-in.  According to Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting,

“Sometimes parents are advised to use a time-out instead of spanking their kids – as though these were the only two options available. The reality, as we’ve seen, is that both of these tactics are punitive. They differ only with respect to whether children will be made to suffer by physical or emotional means. If we were forced to choose one over the other, then, sure time-outs are preferable to spankings. For that matter, spanking kids is preferable to shooting them, but that’s not much of an argument for spanking.”  -Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting, page 65-66.

“Time-out is actually an abbreviation for time out from positive reinforcement. The practice was developed almost half a century ago as a way of training laboratory animals….When you send a child away, what’s really being switched off or withdrawn is your presence, your attention, your love. You may not have thought of it that way.” -Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting, page 26-27.

So, consider the value of time-in instead.  Some families have a place where adults and children can sit together until they all calm down, some mothers just have their child sit near them while they do some sort of rhythmical work.

8.  Ignoring –yup, you heard me right.  The Gesell Institute books routinely recommend turning a blind eye to some of your child’s behaviors if it is not hurting others or themselves (or just driving you plain crazy!).  There are times to draw a line in the sand, but if you nit-pick every behavior, you are on the verge of demanding, and not commanding as an Authentic Leader.

9.  Physical follow-through – If you say something to a small child, you should expect to have to physically  help them follow through.  You should expect to have to physically hold an upset child if they need it.  The physicality of life with a small child is always there – hugs, kisses, a lap to sit on and help to do things as needed.  The child’s respect and dignity always needs to be respected, so you need to be calm when you are following through, but please remember a young child under 7 is probably not going to function well on verbal directives alone.

Rahima Baldwin Dancy states in her book, “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher”:  “It isn’t until elementary-school age that a child is ready to respond consistently to authority that is expressed only through the spoken word without being accompanied by actions. With the preschool age child, you need to correct and demonstrate again and again, but you can’t expect children to remember it.  Their memories simply aren’t that mature yet.”

10.  FREEZE!  One of the best tools in parenting is learning to take that quick pause in your mind’s eye and ask yourself if what you are about to do is going to help your child be the adult they were meant to be; is it going to escalate or de-escalate the situation, is it going to teach your child something or is it just a moment of anger for you that will pass?

This series of posts about being an Authentic Leader has been great fun for me to write.  I would love to hear from all of you what situations you could use help with in being an Authentic Leader in your own home; please leave it in the comment section and I would love to address it in a future blog posting!

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Big Tools for the Big Picture of Gentle Discipline

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In the past few posts, we have looked at providing discipline to our children within the context of being an Authentic Leader.  Part of being the leader of your home is that you have a vision in mind for the future and also that you have a vision in mind for what is happening right here, today, within your own home.

Here are some ways to invoke the big picture of guiding your children’s behavior within your home:

First and foremost, you must start with yourself.  There was recently an article in my local newspaper regarding Alcoholics Anonymous and other support groups for alcoholics.  A mother wrote in and said that she had been sober and attending AA meetings for 22 years.  She started attending Al-non as well and stated, “I was dating a crack addict.  It was the most insane things I could do.  I knew I loved alcoholics; that’s the gist of it.  They’re fabulous people, exciting.  In Al-non, you learn to focus on yourself because your part is the only thing you have control over……I have the freedom to do anything I want to do, to be anything I want to be…….”

Most of us have not had this extreme of an epiphany, but I am asking you today, right now, to consider what kind of parent would you like to be to your child and what is holding you back? 

Vimala McClure, in  her book “The Path of Parenting” writes,”We all have  the power to change the scripts we have been given, to alter them so they accurately reflect our values and the timeless principles we decide to  consciously embrace.”

In order to do this, we have to make conscious choices about what we believe and how we live.  Many mothers do this through some form of inner work.  How you do your own inner work is up to you….Some mothers work through prayer, meditation, drumming, reading books of a spiritual or self-help nature, walking meditation, study circles, tai chi, yoga, journaling or the use of exercises created by Rudolf Steiner and laid out in his book,

If you don’t know where to begin, start thinking about some of the very necessary qualities for parenting. This might include working on patience, gentleness, self-discipline, compassion, your flexibility in situations, your ability to stay in the present with your children. 

Work on framing things in a positive way.  I see mothers every day who say they love mothering, love being home, but yet complain quite a bit.  When you were out in the work day, was every day a fabulous day?  Every day may  not be a fabulous day at home unless you frame it that way.  When you are a mother of small children, you start out measuring the days of your toddler and preschooler by how THEY acted that day; start measuring your day by how YOU acted that day.  If you kept your cool no matter what your child was doing, then it was a great day!  Start with you!

Second, you must begin to look at the spiritual reasons behind being a wife, a mother and a homemaker.  Many mothers never look at this and wonder why they do not feel fulfilled within the home environment.  I highly suggest the book, “The Spiritual Tasks of the Homemaker” by Manfred Schmidt-Brabant in order to stimulate some questions for you to ponder and meditate on.  This is available through the Rudolf Steiner College Bookstore or through Bob and Nancy’s Bookshop, www.waldorfbooks.com.  If you come to the belief that you were called to the role of being a wife and mother, that creating peace in your home is the best and most wonderful way you can make this world a better place, then you will see the things you need to do to care for your home and your children in a different light.

Be committed to making your home a peaceful place – this may involve being the calm one when your spouse or your kids are not feeling calm, it may involve compromise.  It can be hard work, be committed to it!

Third, create a peaceful atmosphere within your home by creating a physical environment of  beauty. People new to Waldorf in particular worry about their lack of wooden toys and play silks for their children, but that is not really what Waldorf is all about.  Waldorf is about creating a place of beauty within your home in simplicity.  This may involve seriously less stuff than what you have now.  It may also involve organizing things and implementing a daily and weekly cleaning regime.  There are many resources to assist with this, my personal favorite is www.flylady.net.  There are also many books on the market detailing weekly, monthly, seasonal and yearly cleaning agendas.

Fourth, you must develop a rhythm.  A yearly, weekly and daily rhythm. Schmidt-Brabant writes in “The Spiritual Tasks of the Homemaker”, “Rhythm is strength.  And strength arises where time and life are formed  rhythmically….Life is tension.  Tension arises through contrasting elements. If we succeed in moving rhythmically within this tension, then strength will arise.”

A rhythm is meant to give you stability so you and your child know what is coming next.  Future posts will look more carefully at the way to craft a rhythm and make it work for you and your family.

Fifth, you must learn to understand childhood development.  Many folks like the Gesell Institute Series Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, etc.  These titles are slightly outdated in many of its references as it was written in the 1960’s but the portions regarding childhood development are spot on and helpful.  From a more anthroposophical point of view, you may want to try some of these books: You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy, Beyond the Rainbow Bridge by Barbara Patterson, or Lifeways: Working With Family Questions by Gudrun Davy and Bons Voors.  Other excellent places to look when you are ready include Rudolf Steiner’s The Kingdom of Childhood, The Education of the Child, and the wonderful Soul Economy (my personal favorite).   These books look at the overall picture of the small child and the role of the homemaker. 

Being with a small child all day requires an integration of developing inner fortitude, a rhythm to help carry you and your child, an understanding of child development and being able to shape and guide your child’s behavior through gentle tools. For a small child under the age of 7 or 8, these tools would include the ability to make the environment one the child can be in without so many “no’s”, the ability to have a good sense of humor and creativity in response to typical childhood situations; these tools do not involve reasoning with a small child or physical punishment.  More about these tools in the next post!

The five concepts mentioned about are for the big picture to help you be an Authentic Leader within your own home.  The next post will take a peek at what to do when you feel close to losing it with your child and some techniques you can pull out at the drop of a hat to make life more beautiful for everyone in the house.

Developing Healthy Boundaries

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My last post was written toward an audience of parents who are using spanking, hitting or yelling as their main disciplinary tools.  Today we are going to tackle the opposite problem – that of a child with a parent who feels almost overpowered or overwhelmed by their child’s behavior.  Becky Bailey, in her book entitled,”Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline”, writes that in the past, if a child’s needs and an adult’s needs collided, the adult’s needs would take precedence, mainly because the parent considered any strategy that negated the child’s  needs a success.   She notes that this has reversed in our society today:  “Powerful, strident children seem to dominate powerless adults.  Parents who know that they do not want to repeat the patterns that governed their childhoods, but lack a better approach, have simple flipped the equation.  They have negated their own needs and let the children rule.”

There are certainly situations where children have special issues and needs that cause the parent to feel overwhelmed, but this post is focusing on the parent feeling this way because of the choices they make in their parenting. Barbara Coloroso, in her book, “Kids Are Worth It!  Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline” discuses two types of families that she terms “Jellyfish A” families and “Jellyfish B” families.  “Jellyfish A” families are described below; “Jellyfish B” families are composed of parents who are having personal problems of such magnitude that preclude them focusing on their children, such as parents recovering from addiction issues or other personal issues.   Of interest, she also includes in “Jellyfish B” families parents who are intense work-a–holics or pursuing personal and professional goals at the expense of their children.

Of the “Jellyfish A” families, Barbara Coloroso writes, “The first kind of jellyfish parent was taught what, when and how to speak, act, and react; he was not taught how to think  So when it comes time to develop a backbone structure in his own home, he doesn’t know how…..He is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but doesn’t know what to replace it with.  So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits, and tends to smother his children.  Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs.”

Parenting advice columnist and family psychologist John Rosemond (whom, I have to say, is not at all attachment oriented and someone with whom I certainly do not agree with most of the time) had this to say in a newspaper column entitled, “Parents need to be husband, wife first” (October 4, 2008).  He writes:  “ The 1950s mother went about her child rearing with an almost casual attitude.  It was “all in a day’s work,” as opposed to being all of her day’s work.  She exuded a sense of confidence in her authority; therefore, her child recognized her authority.  She established a clear boundary between herself and her child (as in, “I don’t have time for you right now, so go find something of your own to do”) that today’s mother feels prohibited from doing.  Thus, today’s mother often feels as if she is under assault from her children from the time they wake up until they consent to occupy their beds.”

These are  interesting perspectives to think about, even if you do not agree or feel that way in your own family at this time.  These quotes got me thinking!  However,  if you are feeling slightly stressed by your own children -who seem to never get to bed on time, who don’t want to eat what food you have, who seem to do the opposite of everything that you desire and suggest, and you are feeling powerless to change the situation – I have a few encouraging thoughts for you.

My first thought is that for many attached parents, the want and need to set some boundaries actually takes time to develop, and many attached parents do feel challenged by the shift in parenting that must occur as the baby grows up.  The relationship between mother and baby in an attached relationship is a unified one.  This is because the biology of the baby actually screams for the mother and baby to be one unit.  I think this is the main point that John Rosemond actually misses in many of his columns when he discusses the need for leadership and boundaries before establishing involvement and connection.  In my opinion, he misses the fact that a human baby is hard-wired for connection from the point of birth,  and, that if we follow the baby’s cues at all, connection must take place first.  All infant reflexes are present in order that once the baby is born, the baby can make its way alone to the mother’s breast and attach to the breast without assistance.  Connection!  We are mammals who by the very nature of the fat content of human milk are going to be frequent feeders.  Connection!  Human babies are born essentially underdeveloped neurologically because they cannot remain inside their mothers any longer and still pass through the birth canal. Connection!   Human beings mature slowly compared to most other mammals and need support for a much longer period of time than other mammals.  A mother who has practiced listening to her baby’s cues, breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping in order to satisfy frequent breastfeeding has worked with the biology of her baby to foster a close bond that will serve this baby well over time.

Again, connection to our children is so important and the connection between the mother and father and baby sets the stage for wonderful social adaption in the later years and for good health in so many ways.  I do not in the slightest want to downplay the connection that babies and all children need from their parents.  Yet, as these attached babies grow, many mothers I have met seem to  feel their slightly older toddler (who was and is still a baby), is not perhaps their equal, but almost a small friend or semi-peer.  They seem to  feel their small child’s every opinion needs to be seriously weighed and measured.  Sometimes parents are then caught off guard when the toddler or preschooler’ behavior does not live up to the picture of the child as a small friend – the first time the child yells,”I hate you” when they are a preschooler, the first time the child has a huge temper tantrum, the first time the child hits or bites or kicks – the parent feels like the wind has been knocked out of them because they realize the relationship is changing and that the child is not as mature as they thought!  Or perhaps the child’s ever-changing opinions are just a source of fatigue!  All of this is the beginning of the gentle shift toward more boundaries that happens as the child grows and can also help signal where a child is in their own maturity.  It can be challenging to move from that “one-ness” of babyhood and early toddlerhood into an area of a bit more structure, a few more boundaries, a sense that there are certain limits within the family and to hold that space and those limits with gentleness and love.

The toddler and preschooler is certainly deserving of dignity and respect and of being guided in a way that is gentle and loving.  We will continue to talk about these tools in future posts.  However, another thought in this picture is this:  in my stance from a Waldorf perspective,  the best way to preserve your toddler and preschooler’s dignity and show them respect is to understand they were just a very little  baby a year or so earlier and to not expect them to make decisions that an adult should be making and to not burden the small child with adult concerns.   Please do not give them the burden of adult decision-making in the guise of being fair and respectful to your child.  Provide a wonderful, child-inclusive environment, love your child, find humor and wonder with your child, but do not equate the child as your equal in this loving relationship. 

Eugene Schwartz, a Master Waldorf Teacher, has this funny little scenario regarding what we do to our children every day, published in the book Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, page 115:

“Good morning, dear.  What do you want to wear?

A sleeveless jumper, a short-sleeved dress, or long-sleeve dress?  Flared skirt, denim skirt, or flowered skirt? Short-shorts, capri pants, hiking shorts, or pants?

Pants and a shirt.  Good.  Which ones?

Red, blue, green, striped, checked or plaid pants? Straight-legged, flared, roll-up, or regular-cut designer jeans? Tank top, turtleneck, short sleeved, or long-sleeved shirt? A shirt with a cartoon character, cereal box hero, or plain front?100% cotton, cotton-polyester mix, cotton with lycra or spandex?

Let’s have breakfast.  What would you like to eat today?

Orange, cranberry, grapefruit, or mango-tangerine-guava juice? Granola with nuts, honey, brown sugar, or with organic fruit? Served with 2%, 1%, soy-based milk, cream, or low-fat yogurt? Regular or cinnamon toast, English muffin, or bagel?”

And the list goes on.  It is one of those scenarios that is funny but rings true for so many of us.

I have parents who tell me they never “pick battles” with their children, that there is really nothing that big to get upset about. I do understand.  But there are times when your children will need to know and see that you can be a wall for them to bounce off of when they are spinning out of control and that you will not crumple because they need you to be the parent, the more experiences adult,  at that moment.  There will be the time when you realize, as a parent, that all the things they want are not all the things they need.  There will be times when they will not like you – this is part of parenting and part of transitioning from the “oneness” between mother and baby to the separation required for a child to go out into the world and have his own experiences.  Waldorf looks at the child separating from the parents later than most developmental sources, with what is called the nine-year change frequently typifying the beginning of separation. In looking at childhood development, we expect the parent to understand more about life than a small child under 7 and to use their wisdom and experience to guide their child.

So, in my view, the best way to be attached to your young child is to be the authentic leader, the model of the emotions you own, the person who thinks about the rhythm of the day, the person who sets a gentle and loving tone for your very own home.  And you see your wonderful small child as just that – a small child who has an intense need to be  home, a need to be loved by his or her parents, and yes, a need to be treated as small.

I know many attachment parents who would disagree with this view (and I said in my very first post that everything you read here may not resonate with you and your family!)  However, if you think I am on to something, try it out for a few days.  Offer very limited choices if you have to offer choices at all, stop talking so much and explaining so much to your small child and just let your child be in the wonder of your day – working, playing, being outside, listening, resting.  Structure your rising times, nap times, bed times and meal times.  Have a rhythm to your day that involves your child.   Work toward that earlier bedtime so you can have some time to just be, and to be with your spouse.   It is difficult to present being on the same parenting page if you never get a chance to talk to your spouse without your child present and listening.  

Just as a parent who is working to develop patience needs to stop and think before they open their mouth, a parent working to develop a more authoritative (not authoritarian, not demanding!) parenting style needs to think and have something to say that involves a bit of direction to the child that is younger and has less experience.  This is your job as a parent.

Remember these wonderful words from Adventures in Gentle Discipline:“Bear in mind that to say children are equally deserving of dignity and respect does not have to mean that the relationship itself is of equal power. As a parent, you have a broader view and more life experience to draw from, and these are assets you bring to the child as his adult caretaker. You also bear more responsibility for choices surrounding your child than he does.” (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 11).

Work toward parenting your child toward the wonderful adult you know he or she will be, and respect the natural progression of childhood.  Give your children a childhood that is free from adult concern, but yet asks for respect and responsibility from your child within your family and home.  It can be done!

Next up, Big Tools for the Big Picture of Gentle Discipline.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.  Thanks for reading!

Command, Don’t Demand

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If you are a parent who is trying to orient your compass to more gentle points than hitting your child or yelling at him or her, this is the post for you!  We are going to take the time to talk about why hitting a child  or yelling at him or her does not solve the problem of unwanted behavior. 

Children are immature and not fully developed, and yet we expect them to control their impulses.  It takes lots of time  (years, decades!) to learn self-restraint, and many of us would admit we are still working on impulse control ourselves in different areas.   However, hitting and yelling for conflict resolution is not a skill you can bring to work with you or use with your spouse, and many parents would like to work toward having different tools to use as they guide their children. 

There are excellent reasons for wanting to leave spanking, hitting and yelling behind.  Eda LeShan, in her wonderful article. “Please Don’t Hit Your Kids”, published in Mothering Magazine (www.mothering.com) in Spring 1996, outlines seven points regarding why hitting or spanking a child is not the way to attempt to manage behavior.  Her thoughts include these:

  • We should not hit a child because it leads to the belief of a child that hitting is a decent, ethical and moral thing to do and it is not.
  • Any time we hit or spank a child they believe they are bad and unlovable.
  • When children are spanked, they feel their behavior is something they could have controlled, which is not always the case.  She writes, “It is the nature of childhood to be immature and unable to control one’s impulses.  That’s what adults are for: to help children deal with impulses they will eventually learn to control themselves.”
  • Being hit is demeaning.
  • Nobody learns anything of value by being hit.  “All spankings and beatings do is prove that as soon as one is big enough and strong enough there can be retribution by hurting others.  Hitting produces fear, anger, feelings of rejection, and perhaps most of all, confusion.”
  • The way children learn civility is to have it modeled for them by the adults in their world.
  • There are many other ways to handle the misbehavior of a child.

MORE REGARDING SPANKING:

THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, page 259, says the following regarding spanking, “Spanking does not help a child learn self-discipline…….Of course, there are other things parents do that can be harmful to a child. Physical punishment is only one aspect. Parents can undermine a child’s self-esteem in other ways, too. Nancy Samalin, author of Loving Your Child Is Not Enough, explains: “Children take criticism from a parent very personally. They feel attacked by someone whose admiration they crave…Children need appreciation and praise, not indifference and punishment.”

A Word About Yelling:

“Yelling frightens children. Being yelled at is an attack that triggers the fight or flight response. Some children defend by fighting- yelling back at us. Some children defend by fleeing – trying to escape either physically or emotionally….Intentionally yelling at children to get them to do what we want is bullying. It teaches children to yell at people to get them to do what you want. Unintentionally yelling at children is the loss of control. It teaches children that yelling at people is an acceptable way of dealing with frustration.” (Connection Parenting, pages 104-105). 

Some parents are truly baffled at this point.  I have actually had parents say to me, “Well, if I can’t hit my child and I can’t yell at my child, what do I do?  How do you punish your children if you don’t hit and you don’t yell?”

Again, there is that word:  punishment.  Marshall Rosenberg, author and founder of NonViolent Communication says this regarding parenting,

“Somehow I had gotten it into my head that, as a parent, my job was to make demands. I learned, however, that I could make all the demands in the world but still couldn’t make the children do anything.”

Guiding your child does not mean your child gets to do whatever he or she wants.  However, how you view the process of  teaching your child the skills needed to grow into a mature adult makes all the difference.

Alfie Kohn, in his book Unconditional Parenting, discusses a view of conditional parenting.  This is a view in which the child is looked at in terms of his behavior, the overall view of human nature seen by the parent is negative, the view of parental love is that it needs to be earned and that the strategy involves “doing something to” a child.  This is in direct contrast to unconditional parenting, which focuses on the whole child including thoughts, reasons, feelings,  the view of human nature by the parent that human nature is good, the view of the parent regarding parental love is that it is an unconditional gift and that the strategy used involves working with the child..

He goes on to point out a study done on more than a hundred mothers of grown children: “Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults.  Remarkably, though, they tended to use the identical approach once they became parents.  The mothers used conditional affection “with their own children in spite of the strategy (ies) having had negative effects on them.”  He comments that parenting styles can be passed on to one’s children.  My personal  thought is that how you teach and guide your children is planting the seed for the next generations. Therefore, it is important to stop and think about what discipline is for you.

DISCIPLINE MEANS TO GUIDE.  Discipline does not equate to punishment.  As parents, we are to guide our children…They are in some ways, like a foreigner showing up in a brand new country or culture without understanding the language, the rules, what is accepted and what not is accepted.  It is our job to guide them, and show them lovingly what it acceptable.

However, using gentle methods to guide behaviors does not mean we let behaviors slide; it does mean that we keep working on what we are modeling for our children,  that we understand the developmental stages and that we have the tools to deal with common developmental challenges.  It means that we understand our own temperament and that of our child.  It means that we teach our children and that we guide our children’s behavior.  It means moving past fear-based tactics and being a truly Authentic Leader within your own home. 

I implore you to keep going back to the framework of being an Authentic Leader for your child.  If this framework is new to you, expect that you will have to keep repeatedly aligning your compass to this new point .  Parenting can be wonderful, but also challenging and frustrating.  It is wonderful to read about being a gentle parent in books and quite another thing to pull it out of your tool box when everyone in your house is crying, screaming or yelling over something, the dog is barking, the phone is ringing, the toilet is overflowing and you are at your wit’s end.  I have seen parents who have walked into the backyard or the bathroom and pulled the door shut for a few moments just so they could calm down enough to not spank or hit their child.   I applaud them.   It can take a long time to change your own behavior.  You are worth it to learn how to change and acquire new tools for your parenting.

Parenting requires a great deal of inner work, and some of the qualities that parenting best develops within ourselves seems to take a long time to mature.  But, as Becky Bailey writes in her book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, “Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve.” 

Keep your compass on that guiding star of alternatives to punishment,  and keep reminding yourself that gentle discipline is worth it as you strive to keep not only a peaceful home, a home where you set the tone, but to teach your children skills they can use for their whole life.

Our next post in this series will take a look at how some parents have fallen into the hole of permissive parenting and reasoning with small children and then we will finally look at creating a roadmap for gentle discipline within your own home.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.