Waldorf and Attachment Parenting: The Mini Rant

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Wow!  I have had not one, not two, but three mothers who are raising their children according to the tenets of Attachment Parenting tell me that they did NOT chose a Waldorf-inspired education for their child as it was not “child-centered” enough, it did not seem respectful of the child,  and it was not “democratic” enough.  They are currently searching for schooling methods that are learning toward democracy and equality in the family.

I understand their concerns, and thought this was interesting as we consider ourselves an attached family – we breastfeed for years, co-sleep for years, practice gentle discipline,  seek to put respect and empathy at the core of dealing  with our children – and we have always considered Waldorf to be EXTREMELY compatible with this type of parenting.  No where in “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” or “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge” or in “Heaven to Earth” is there mention of spanking, or yelling or treating a child with anything but respect, warmth, love and delight.  . I have not read of all of Rudolf Steiner’s works yet, (which total something like 400 lectures and 40 books) but so far all I have seen mention of  is the notion that the under 7 child is one to be protected, delighted in, respected, and worked with within his or her physical body.  On the other hand, the small child is not asked to comment on the state of the world or to plan the day for the classroom either.

To me, this boils down to if you believe in Steiner’s seven year cycles and if they mesh with your view of childhood development.  Do you believe that while a child under the age of 7 COULD learn all kinds of things, be involved in all kinds of family decisions and situations but  perhaps they SHOULD NOT  be when they are under the age of 7 for their own health and well-being?  Do you perhaps, like me, view the making of children into small adults in our society as a by-product from our  society where we are more fast-paced, more stressed, and where American children are involved in more scheduled activities than ever before in history because there is no time for the children to be children?  Do you really believe the American child has “evolved” and now is a higher organism than any other child at any other point in history to now have adult understanding at the age of 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7?

I recently got a book entitled “Black Ants and Buddhists” which is about teaching within a model of democracy, peace and thinking critically in as early as in  the first and second grade.  These kids tackled things such as deconstructing the story of Columbus, touching on the slave trade, looking at homelessness and social programs – lots of different subjects that are not tackled until later within the Waldorf framework.  I wondered if these very small children, who just about sixty years ago in this country would have been having a half day of first grade followed by a nap, would understand these subjects or would they just become factoids within their brains?  How much do you remember from your early years of education? How much do you remember from your early  family life?   I often feel ashamed I do not remember more of my mother, who died when I was eight years old.  My neighbor, whose father died when she was 12, also says she has very few memories of her father and also wonders why we do not remember more from when we are little. If we cannot really remember important personal memories of  such individual life-changing events, are we really going to understand something as impersonal, far-away and  multi-faceted as Columbus and the treatment of the Native Americans who were here when we are only  six and seven years old?  Is is respectful to act like the children understand and are  ready to hear the sins of humanity?

Waldorf treats children in a respectful manner that coincides with the appropriate developmental stage of the child according not only to anthroposophical childhood development, but also traditional development as seen by Piaget and as recorded in the Gesell Institute books.  So where do these attached  mothers feel that it is falling apart for them?  I thought about this at length.  Attachment Parenting does not mean that you and your child are equals – hopefully you do have more experience and guidance to bring to the table at this point!  It seems as if many, (not all),  attachment parents are rather afraid to be a parent that sets down anything contrary to what the child wants,  in some ways,  in fear that it will damage the bond they have with their child.   Treating the child will respect does not equate to equality, nor does it equate to the child having a vote in every family issue.

To me, being a respectful parent does not only involve meeting your child’s needs, and some of the things they want, but introducing the right thing at the right time within the developmental cycles.  Many parents  worry about what their relationship with their child will look like as the child grows.  I worry that if we treat our small under the age of 7 child as an adult, then  what  will the parent-child relationship will look like in the teenaged years?    Perhaps it would be more respectful to the child to exude confidence in the decisions that the family makes and that the family does include and think about the child.  Perhaps the things that build a strong family and lead children strongly from chilldhood into functional adulthood are things that may or may not involve the child – a child-inclusive household, but not necessarily completely a  child-centered one – this may include seeing work around the house, going outside and being in nature, and having the  parents have a intimate, loving relationship so the child has a model of a marriage.   The adult does and should have responsibilities above and beyond a small child.  The adult has needs and wants that may be above and beyond that of a small child’s needs and wants.  We are not equal in so many ways.

To me, Waldorf  does mean your child’s thoughts, and feelings are heard and respected, but within the context of the whole family; and this is also the crux of Attachment Parenting.  The very best attachment parenting practices involve balance within the family for the parents and the children’s needs; this is also at the heart of many models of democratic living with children.  Just the way that Waldorf accomplishes this is often through different means.  It does not equate that the best way to be an attached family  is to let your child’s voice be the main voice in the family that is heard.  Your child’s voice can still be heard strongly within your family because you are the parents, because you are the ones who know your child best, and you can ascertain many things without talking your child’s ear off about things.  Just as you read your infant’s cues as an attached parent, you can still read your child’s cues now that they are 4, 5, 6, and even 7. 

The thing that bothered me in many of the positive discipline books (because, let’s face it – after the pregnancy and childbirth books, the breastfeeding books, the solid food books,  comes the positive discipline books for many first-time parents) was the belief and treatment of all children, no matter what the age, should be spoken to the same and the discipline techniques should be the same.  I believe in the seven year cycles that Steiner set forth:  that the first seven years are for the body, with a protection of the intellect, the next seven years are for the feeling life of the child with an emphasis on beauty, developing a relationship to the cultural morals that make us a society, stories with good morals and good people, art, music, religion, spirituality, doing!  – with the last seven years heading into reasoning, critical and independent thinking.  Why are we trying to rush through these natural stages by treating a two, three or four year old like a fourteen year old?  Is it not more respectful to the small child to set a rhythm to the day that involves real work for the child to imitate, stories and music and singing and art, cooking experiences, whole body experiences instead of burdening the small  child under the age of 7  with attempts to think like a fourteen year old?   

Is Waldorf disrespectful to a small child because it does not provide the child the space to make decisions all day long?  My thought is that it may be important to consider how decision- making can burden a small child, pull them into their heads early and therefore compromise their physical bodies for the rest of their lives, teach them a lot of verbal games early and take away the protection  and beauty of life we are trying to provide for those first seven years.   Is Waldorf disrespectful to the child because the rhythm may be set by the parent with the child in mind, but also the needs of the family?  I think the child needs to see a beautiful family, a functioning family that involves work and parents who love one another and are committed to each other and the well-being of the whole family.  This gives the child something to grow into.  It is difficult when the child is small and there are few boundaries when you are attachment parenting as the child is with you 24/7, but as the child grows, some boundaries between child and parent become important – otherwise you have a six and seven year old who is very concerned about the financial matters of the family, whether or not the parents will have another child or not, every thought and feeling of the mother, not too mention it seems many husbands and wives are craving a little more connection by this point!  Some boundaries can be important for the whole child, and when the time is right, provide an opportunity for the child to move from being under the Madonna’s cloak of the mother  into their own growth and development.

Is Waldorf as an educational method disrespectful of the child because the curriculum is not child-led?  My thought would be that because these stories and the entire, detailed curriculum is hand-picked for the proper stage of  soul development for the child, for the HEALTH of the child, to speak to the child at that stage, to not provide the child with these stories and subjects at the proper time seems like another unfair disadvantage that has been thrust upon the child .

I know many attached parents who do not hesitate to say no to unhealthy food and provide only organic food, who provide only safe toys, natural cleaning products,  have no problem modeling good manners for their child – why would they not want an educational method that is totally built around the physical and mental health their child will attain when they are grown?    Many parents are drawn toward Attachment Parenting because of the benefits of health for the child – the benefits of feeding with love, the benefits of loving touch, the benefits of listening to your child and forming a strong bond.  And I truly believe that Waldorf is a choice that is  made for the benefit of developing the optimum  health, well-being, and morality of the child.  Perhaps Attachment Parenting and Waldorf have more in common than meets the eye.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

When Babies Cry and What We Can All Learn From the High-Needs Baby and Child

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[This is a post written from an attachment parenting perspective but of course a little of my Waldorf-inspired thinking snuck in at the end!]

WHAT IS CRYING?

From THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, published by La Leche League International:

“Your baby’s cry is meant to be disturbing, for it is his most important means of communication. Only by crying can he let you know that he needs you to help him – to come to his rescue.”

From Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small:

“The biological function of crying is to signal, and as in any signal, it has import only if it affects the recipient.”

“As most parents know, crying is not just a signal of hunger. Even in newborns, it communicates much more- the need for touch seems to be especially important; and clearly a crying baby is announcing its internal state and calling for some sort of change.”

“Crying evolved to serve the infant’s purposes: to assure protection, adequate feeding, and nurturing for an organism that cannot care for itself.:

HOW MUCH DO BABIES CRY? IS IT “REAL”?

From Our Babies, Ourselves:

“The average Western infant cries twenty-two minutes per day in the first three weeks of life and thirty-four minutes per day until the end of the second month, when crying gradually decreases to fourteen minutes per day by twelve weeks.”

“Even to the casual visitor in less developed nations, it becomes apparent that babies in non-Western cultures rarely cry; I have never heard an African baby or a Balinese baby cry during my many trips to both those sides of the world. And this casual observation has been confirmed by ethnopediatric research.”

“But there is, in fact, no such thing as a fake cry. The baby is crying for engagement of some sort-for personal interaction and social contact, or because it is bored. Babies also laugh during the first month of life, which spectrographically looks more like a cry than a chuckle and is probably related to conflicting emotions or rapid shifts in state.”

CRYING AND BREASTFEEDING:

The first few days after a birth, a baby may be upset at the breast when..

Their suck is weak and they are not drawing much volume of milk

Their tummy is full of mucus from delivery.

They are experiencing difficulty with latching on.

If they are not going to the breast often enough, and showing very late signs of hunger, they may be too upset to latch.

Once the milk comes in, a baby may be upset at the breast when..

The breast is very engorged and difficult to latch-on to.

Mother has a forceful let-down or over supply that the baby is not used to.

Once breastfeeding is established, a baby may…

Have a regular fussy period, often late in the afternoon, that occurs predictably day after day.

May be fussier during growth spurts – two weeks, six weeks, three months.

DOES COLIC EXIST?

  • If a baby has long periods of hard crying and seems to be in some sort of physical discomfort for which there is no apparent reason that you or your doctor can discover, he is often said to be colicky.
  • Colic = crying at least three hours a day, three days per week, for three weeks
  • -look at keeping baby on one breast only during a two to three hour period if you believe this is an issue related to foremilk/hindmilk imbalance
  • -look at vitamins, food supplements such as brewer’s yeast, large amounts of caffeine or foods or drinks with artificial sweeteners, maternal history of cigarette smoking, or a certain food (or foods containing milk- potentially allergenic beta-lactoglobulin ) in the mother’s diet that can be making baby more uncomfortable.
  • Rule out Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) -See www.pager.org for more information regarding GERD.

A Very Few of the Many Possible Signs and Symptoms of Reflux:

  • Frequent bouts of painful crying
  • Frequent episodes of spitting up
  • Nasal regurgitation
  • Painful bursts of night waking
  • Inconsolable bouts of abdominal pain
  • Again, see www.pager.org for more details or discuss with your pediatrician.

HOW DO YOU SOOTHE A CRYING BABY?

From THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING:

“When a baby cries, a nursing mother’s immediate instinctive response is to offer her breast. Whether it’s been ten minutes or two hours since baby was fed, a few minutes of sucking may be all he needs to settle down.”

From Our Babies, Ourselves:

“What seems to work best is simple human contact. Peter Wolff long ago demonstrated that picking up a baby works better than anything else to stop any baby from crying.”

Also you can look at:

  • -too warm
  • -too cold
  • -something he is wearing is causing the problem – try removing all of his clothes
  • -look the baby over carefully to make sure nothing is irritating the skin
  • -if he seems too warm, try leaving him in just a shirt and diaper
  • -if the room is too chilly, try wrapping him in a soft blanket
  • -some babies feel more secure if they are wrapped up snugly, or swaddled
  • -once he is calm, offer the breast again. This time he may just nurse off to sleep
  • -If he has downed so much milk he repeatedly spits it up, and still he cries…Try holding him against your shoulder and “baby waltz”
  • -try baby in baby carrier or sling and vacuum
  • -try a drive in the car
  • – a walk outdoors
  • -a warm bath may soothe you both
  • -rocking chair
  • -some babies cry because they are overtired but they are not happy being held as they fall asleep. Try laying your baby down and talk or sing to him softly as you pat him gently.

-“Babies are sometimes fretful for reasons that no one, not even a mother, can understand. If you can’t calm your baby right away, try not to let it upset you. Your baby will always benefit from a calm, loving mother. In handling any tiny baby, you have to move slowly and gently.” from THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING.

“SOME PARENTS ARE BLESSED WITH BABIES WHO ARE NOT SO EASY…” from Dr. William Sears. These babies are otherwise known as the….

HIGH-NEEDS BABY

Features of High-Need Babies: (As listed in Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book).

“Supersensitive” – acutely aware of environment, easily bothered by changes in environment, startle easily during day and settle poorly at night, do not readily accept alternative caregivers

“I just can’t put him down” In-arms, at-breast babies

“Not a self-soother”

“Intense”

“Wants to nurse all the time”

“Awakens frequently”

“Unsatisfied, unpredictable”

“Hyperactive, hypertonic”

“Draining”

“Uncuddly”

“Demanding”

Interestingly enough, Meredith Small, author of Our Babies, Ourselves,  points out that in other cultures :…”it is assumed that personality does not form until much later in life- until the child can talk and hold a conversation, or be trained. Babies in these cultures are viewed as blank slates, personality-less beings in the process of further development. But in other cultures, especially America, many believe each person has an inborn basic nature, one that might be molded or influenced, but which is essentially persistent through time….Although people are born not as blank slates but with a certain brain chemistry and genetic complement, it is the experience of life that molds this particular personality trait or behavior is purely genetic or purely learned – everything is a mixture of both.”  [Carrie’s note: Just a thought to ponder!].

EASY BABIES: are ones that are rhythmic in their bodily functions, adaptable to new situations, mild in their responses, and mostly in a good mood.

“DIFFICULT” (Meredith Small’s word, not mine!) BABIES: irregular, slow to adapt, intensely responsive to all stimuli and generally negative in attitude.

“…the mother’s awareness becomes an intimate part of the baby’s environment, and thus an influence on the infant’s developing personality.”

Ways to Try Soothing the Fussy Baby:

-rhythmic motion

-close and frequent physical contact

-soothing sounds

-feeding baby frequently

-responding promptly to baby’s cries

-wearing your baby

In “Raising Your Spirited Child” (Carrie’s note:  This book should be required reading for all mothers and fathers, for all types of children, not just the “so-called “Spirited Ones”), Mary Sheedy Kurcinka identifies the following characteristics:

Intensity

Persistence

Sensitivity

Perceptiveness

Adaptability

Regularity

Energy

First Reaction

Mood

She talks about ‘redesigning the labels’ .  I agree with this and feel strongly you should guard your thoughts and that you should guard your words around your “high needs” child! Over the years I have spoken with so many mothers who identified their child’s traits in rather negative terms with the child right there!  Please do not send this type of labeling and energy to your child!  They understand exactly what you are saying about them!

Soothing/Calming Activities for Older Spirited Children from the wonderful book “Raising Your Spirited Child” :

Water

Imagination

Sensory Activities

Reading

Humor

Time-In

I must add here, however, that so many of Rudolf Steiner’s ideas and thoughts are applicable to the high-needs child.  The whole idea of not drawing consciousness to the child’s individuality I believe is extremely important for a high-needs child who may feel singled out by his or her parents even at an early age.  Steiner’s notion of  a parent and teacher guarding your thought and speech around a child is also paramount for this child.  The idea of establishing rhythm can also be so helpful and necessary for a high-needs child who by their very nature is irregular and therefore cannot do this themselves.  Perhaps this is another post in its entirety.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

RESOURCES

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, published by La Leche League International

The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears

Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Living With the Active, Alert Child by Linda Budd

The Gesell Institute books by Louise Bates Ames, PhD and Frances L Ilg

Peaceful Life with a Three-Year-Old

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So, after we have discovered all the developmental characteristics from a traditional childhood development standpoint and also a brief look at an anthroposophical view of early childhood development, the questions begs to be asked:  How can I make my house and relationship with my child a peaceful one?

The first thing to do is to start with yourself – your own inner work, your own physical environment and your own health.  You set the tone in your home, and how you respond to your child matters.   You are an Authentic Leader in your home.  For more posts regarding being an Authentic Leader, please see the series of posts I wrote, beginning with this one:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/.  If you hit “no spanking” in the tags section, the rest of the posts in this series will come up.  This is important, as Steiner felt that the education of the small child started with the self-education of the parent, the right thoughts, the right attitude, warmth toward your small child.

Second,  take a serious look at your environment –  is there clutter that is hindering your ability to be peaceful within your own home?  Contrary to popular opinion, Waldorf education is not about having mounds of wooden toys!  Slim down your material objects, have a home for every toy, have ways to set up scenarios for play for your child.

Third, look carefully at your rhythm.  It is a fallacy in our society that three-year olds need stimulation outside of the home.  However, that being said, then you do  need a rhythm within your home in order to carry the three-year old, particularly if the three-year old has no older siblings to help carry the tone.  You will need a rhythm that could include such elements as consistent waking, nap and bedtimes, consistent meal times of warm food, storytelling, music,singing and verses throughout the day as you transition from one activity to another and celebrate the season, plenty of outside time – it is very difficult to settle down and play if you have a lot of energy!!- and time for the child to be (or not) a part of practical work.  This is the time to develop and sharpen your own skills in gardening, baking, cooking, housekeeping, laundry and ironing, knitting, puppet and toymaking.  More than anything, these are the things your child needs to see.  Your child needs to work on being in their bodies.  Stop talking and explaining so much – just do and be.  If you need help with this, please do see my post “Take My Three- Day Challenge”.

Three-year-olds need things to turn into a story, a song, a story about when you were little or they were born, a fantasy activity, a physical activity, but not scientific explanation.  There will be a time and a place for these explanations later, but the time is not now.  Logical thought is not there at age three.  Please save your logical explanations for later when the child is older; it will be so much more warmly appreciated then!

Three-year-olds are interested in being a friend and having a friend, but as we have seen in our previous post, they are not always the best at social skills.  Some would argue children need groups to develop these skills, I would argue that they will mature just fine even without a lot of interaction with their own peers.  It is interesting to me the number of mothers who have told me the pressure they have received from well-meaning family members and friends who told them that their shy child needed social interaction or school  in order to come out of their shell and by the same token their wild child needed more social interaction or school to calm down!  Children will develop well with a solid foundation of being firmly entrenched  in the home and with their own family.

If you are going to have a playdate or playgroup, please consider that a child under the age of 7 is at the height of imitative behavior, so if we have a playdate, arrive and tell the children to just “go play” they have nothing to imitate off of and therefore have difficulty getting things going.  A Waldorf playgroup is always fairly structured for this reason.   How much better to start with some singing, some seasonal verses or fingerplays, and an activity where the adults model good manners, “please” and “thank-you”, taking turns, before the children go off to play.  And please do keep the time short, a three –year old certainly does not need a playdate that stretches out for four hours!

Playdates and playgroups are inevitable really about the mothers who need to get together and talk and get support.  If there is any way you can do this in adult only time after the children go to bed or on a weekend lunch when your family can assist with watching your children, this can be so valuable.  Then the playgroup can be who it should really be about – the child.

If you have a firm rhythm, are firmly rooted in your home, and are bringing stories, music, and practical work to your child along with lots of outside time, then do be assured you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do.  If you are fostering in your child a sense of gratitude for the Earth and all her people and things, you are doing a wonderful job. 

Which, of course, does not always mean that your child will “behave”.  Many attached parents feel like failures when their children hit three or so, as the child’s sense of self and an increased need for boundaries start to come out. As a parent, you cannot count it as a “good day” if your child doesn’t cry or melt-down or not have a temper tantrum… You can count it as a “good day” if you were calm, if you helped to de-escalate the situation, if you held it together. And even then, please be easy with yourself!  Living with small children can be challenging!  This is about the path your child is taking as he or she grows and becomes their own person, this is not about you versus them.

However, the need for boundaries is there at age three.   If the child is hurting themselves or others, if the child is destroying property, if the child is just plain wild and irritating you or others – then the behavior needs to be guided.  In order to do this, you must be calm.  This is not a battle of wills, and if you as a parent think that way, you have already lost sight of what you should be doing as an Authentic Leader. 

Your child needs your calm, warm physical presence and sense of humor to help bring them back into their bodies when they are out of control.  They do not need sarcasm, judgment, guilt, bargaining, or separation to help them.  They need your warmth, your ideas for play, your smiles and hugs and love.  They don’t need a lot of explanation or adult burdens of the world.  Every child has a birthright to have his or her golden age of innocence and time of play and time of wonder.

Parenting a three-year old requires physical perseverance, emotional stability, calm words, creativity and a remembering what it is like to be small and full of wonder.  Cherish each day as your child passes through the stages; it all goes rather quickly,  even on the days when parenting seems like a repetitious, physical challenge.  On those days, call a friend and get some support; come and read the posts on this blog. I hope they are inspiring to you and give you some food for thought.  Talk with your spouse and find some time to have off for even half an hour.  Figure out between you and your spouse how all of you can be receiving enough sleep so you can be at your best.   Set the tone in your home and for your family.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world; please do pass this on to any mothers of three-year-olds that you know!

I welcome your comments and inquiries below.

Three-Year Old Behavior Challenges

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What is life like with a three-year-old?  There is something quite magical about the three-year-old year, and often something quite difficult.  I have had three mothers contact me recently about life with a three-year-old – its ups and its downs..

This is how the Gesell Institute Book “Your Three-Year-Old” characterizes some of the qualities of a three and three and a half year old”

Three Years:

Conforming, decreased physical aggressiveness, happy most of the time, friendly, pleasing

Loves new words

Likes to make a choice within realm of experience

Sure of himself

Tries to meet and understand social demands

Gets along well with mother

Helpful around house

Like to relive babyhood

Beginning of interest in babies, wants family to have one

If sibling is on the way, most really do not understand baby growing inside mother

Expresses affection readily

Desires to look at and touch adults, especially mother’s breasts

Father can take over in many situations, although Mother still favored parent

Child clings less at bedtime and may go to sleep better for father

Usually enthusiastic about other children but still immature in their social reactions

Children may be more comfortable with adults other than other children – they approach adults with requests for help or information

From page 55, “ Much of a child’s conversation with any adult is still self-initiated. He may respond to what grown-ups say to him, or sometimes, he may not.”

Temper tantrums decline

 

Three and a Half Years:

Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simples event or occasion can elicit total rebellion

Strong and secure gross motor abilities may turn more into stumbling, falling, at this age

New- found verbal ability “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining

Loves silly rhymes and rhyming words, sentence length is increasing, acquiring a large vocabulary

May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things

Three and a half to four may be the height  for the most “WHY?”  “WHERE?”  “WHAT?” kinds of questions

Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity

Mother-child relationship difficult but may also cling to mother

May refuse to take part in daily routine – may do better with almost anyone than Mother

Inwardized, insecure, anxious

Determined and self willed; emotional extremes predominate

Emotional and physical insecurity

Anxious; lots of tensional outlets such as nose-picking, nail-biting, boys may be pulling almost constantly at their penises,  etc; can see stuttering and tremors of muscles at times, visual strain

May not eat well, may still have problems with bed-wetting, may wake up in the middle of the night and walk around

Afraid of almost anything and everything

Beginning of prolonged play with dolls, house building, tricycle riding

Girls may propose to Daddy at this age

If your child tells you stories, they may have violent elements in them (page 102)

THINGS THREE-YEAR OLDS DO:

Wonder at things!

Play a lot

Invent stories to tell

Talk a lot and ask a lot of questions

Love their mommies and daddies and pets!

Get all those new words and new skills!

THINGS THAT MOTHERS SAY ARE DIFFICULT ABOUT THE THREE-YEAR-OLD:

Whining

Frequent changing of mind

Wanting to play games constantly with mother and wanting her attention all the time

The difficulty that comes with dressing, eating, going to bed, taking a nap

The asking of “Why?” over and over and over

STEINER’S VIEW OF THE THREE –YEAR -OLD

For an anthroposophical view of the three-year-old, let us consider the following.  Rudolf Steiner had much to say about the period of two-and-a-half until age five; this is the age that “an exceptionally vivid memory and wonderful imagination” starts to happen.  He discusses how children continue to live by imitation, and how the best things to do with children between these ages involve anything that invokes imagination.  This is where Waldorf teachers and followers of Steiner start looking toward more open-ended, homemade kinds of toys due to their beauty and warmth and how much the child can add to this out of the child’s own imagination.

Steiner felt that the child of this period “is by  no means in a position to take in ideas which bear on the moral life.  And it follows that he should not be taught to him.”  In the book “Understanding Young Children; Excerpts From Lectures by Rudolf Steiner Compiled for Use of Kindergarten Teachers”, this story is told: “Two disconsolate parents once came to Dr. Steiner and complained that their child, generally very good, had stolen money that the mother had put in the cupboard, bought sweets and distributed them.  Dr.  Steiner explained that [the child] merely copied what [the child] had seen its mother do.  And this had nothing whatever to do with stealing.  The child becomes what its environment is.”

Steiner also discusses how speech is the foundation for thinking, and how physical mobility is the foundation for speech.  Therefore, a child learns to walk, to speak and then to think.  “In the beginning, “Steiner says, “ the child merely repeats the sounds it hears, sounds that are more or less rhythmic and melodious and in accordance with the peculiar relation between its groping arms and legs.  Thinking can only arise out of speech and not before.”

In Steiner’s view, one of the most important things we can do in the first seven years for our children is to teach the child gratitude.  This becomes the basis of love, the virtue belonging to the second seven year cycles, and duty, the basis of the third seven year cycle.

“If [the child] sees that everyone who stands in some kind of relationship to him in the outer world shows gratitude for what he receives from this world; if, in confronting the outer world and wanting to imitate it, the child sees the right kind of gesture that express gratitude, then a great deal is done towards establishing in him the right moral human attitude.  Gratitude is what belongs in the first seven years.”

One thing that the Gesell Institute book points out on page 12 is this gem of a sentence, “The first is that, as we have tried to emphasize, even though he may be difficult at times, your child is not your enemy.  It is not you against him.”  They point out that the mother matters most to a three-year-old and is therefore the child is often at his best and worst with his own mother. 

Here it is again – how we are mothers respond to our children and set the tone in our home is a determinant in the lives of our family. It is not whether or not our child “behaves”; it is how we ACT toward our child.  Three is so very, very little.  Please do let your child feel your warmth toward them; it goes a long way at three.  The other piece of advice that can be offered for dealing with three is to not turn things into a personal battle between the two of you…it is not you and your child, it is just “this happens when we do this”, “we must do x in order to do x”. Sing, hum, wonder together, and love one another.   The more peaceful, matter of fact energy you can muster will really help in the day-to-day life with a three-year-old.  The more we can create for our child that sense of wonder at life, gratitude for life, the better laid the foundation is for the rest of the child’s life.

The next post will discuss some tips for more peaceful living with your three-year-old.

Waldorf and Learning to Read

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This is a great article by Barbara Dewey regarding Waldorf and learning to read.  The Waldorf grade level is based upon development, not academic skill level.  This is why if you have a first grader who can read well, you do NOT jump into second grade material.  Second grade material is designed to speak to children who are seven and a half or eight, just as third grade material is designed for those children going through the nine-year-old change.

Please take a few minutes to read this article:

http://waldorf2.intercast-media.com/2008/06/post_1.html

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Just Some Random Thoughts About Newborns

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A newborn baby is already a person.

New mothers need special care.

All your energy goes to the new baby at first.

Your baby needs your help when she cries.

Your baby needs you close by day.

Your baby needs you close by night.

You really do have intuition.

Things will never be “normal” again.

You can get the baby’s father involved.

Some babies are more challenging than others.

Continuing to breastfeed is worth the effort.

You are the expert on your baby.

You need people to lean on.

How you mother your baby does make a difference!!

Irritation Points for Parents of Children Birth – Age 4

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(This post today is geared toward attachment parenting and gentle discipline, but of course my Waldorf influences come out a bit!)

One of my favorite gentle discipline books is the book “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline” by Becky Bailey.  She writes in this book about the concept of “irritation points” – you know, those lovable and quirky behaviors that after awhile become not so lovable and quirky…

from Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

Well, first of all, we need to begin with you.  You are the parent and it all starts with you.  This is by Becky Bailey, page 219

“Here are the warning signs, that you as the adult and grown-up are equating MISBEHAVIOR with DISRESPECT. If parents equate misbehavior with disrespect, they definitely set themselves up to be irritated by typical developmental issues.

These are the warning signs for parents:

– You act like a nut. You scream, shout, threaten, bargain, plead, beg, spank, bribe or cry.

– -You focus on what is wrong and what your child is NOT doing

– -You attribute negative intent to your child

– You blame your child for your upset and try to make her feel bad through guilt, fear, use of force. You refuse to own your own upset.

– You forget the Power of Acceptance (this moment is as it is) and think:

– “This child should know better than this.”

– “I shouldn’t have to give constant reminders. She ought to be able to {fill in the blank}

– “I shouldn’t have to tell her again. She should do what I say when I say it.”

– You become alarmed and wonder, what happened? What have I done wrong to make my child act like this {forgetting the Power of Free Will}? How can a delightful child one month become a monster the next? If she’s this bad now, what will her teen be like?”

(Carrie’s note:  These could be signs you need a break, a parental time-out, more sleep and better nutrition for yourself.  Have life-lines available – a friend who you can call when you are just ready to lose it, someone you can talk to if you need that or just gather everyone up and head outside if that is possible and calming to everyone.  You cannot solve your child’s behavior challenges when you are not in charge of your own behavior!)

Irritation Points from Becky Bailey, all in her book, “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.”

INFANCY: The First Year of Life – Irritation Points

-Failed communication

-Face exploration

-Biting or pinching

TODDLERS: The Second Year of Life – Irritation Points

-Anger and frustration

-Temper tantrums –Becky Bailey says,  “If you can stay calm during a toddler temper tantrum, you have half the problem solved – yours.”

-Negative oppositional behavior

-Impulsive behavior

-Possessiveness

-Aggressive behavior

-Nothing seems right

-Endless rituals and love of repetition

PRESCHOOLERS: Ages Three to Five – Irritation Points

Becky Bailey says, “A key developmental task faced by all preschoolers is to acquire power and an identity.”

-The simplest event or routine may trigger total rebellion

– Your child may be shy one minute and impossibly bossy the next.

-Whining

-They may begin to swear and to use elimination swear words

-They exaggerate and brag

-They tend to be aggressive with friends and siblings

-They hate for mom to talk on the phone

-They do not do what they are told to do

-When they know an action is wrong, they may do it anyway.

-They are gloriously funny and love the ridiculous…but they ask lots of questions. (the average four-year old asks 400 questions a day!)

This is a really wonderful, gentle book for parenting.  This is not a Waldorf book, but does have so many truths and practicalities in it!

Reading something like this, or the Gesell Institute Books (“Your One-Year-Old”, “Your Two-Year-Old”, etc) sometimes provides parents a great deal of relief just to know that these behaviors are common!

Waldorf would look at these situations in terms of starting with the parent and what the child is seeing to imitate, keeping to a rhythm with plenty of home-cooked meals of whole, warming foods, warm bed with lots of sleep, not many activities outside of the home (in fact, I would venture to say children under the age of 5 really need no activities outside of the home), plenty of fresh air and time outside in nature, storytelling of simple stories, plenty of opportunity to help with daily chores.  A Waldorf parent and teacher has great respect, warmth and delight for the child, and a great deal of understanding and empathy for the child’s feelings.

I am currently piecing together a post on three-year-old behaviors and challenges from some questions mothers have asked me, and if you would like to leave an “irritation point” that is challenging you, in the comment section, I would be happy to address it!

Warmly,

Carrie

Another First Grade Poem

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Yesterday my first grader asked what the sky was made of, and today she wrote this poem:

Little Blue Sky

Little blue sky,

How are you up there so high?

Come down to me,

We will play games.

I love you,

Little Blue Sky.

Understanding the Six/Seven-Year Old Transformation

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I had a question from a mother regarding a  six year old child (almost seven) who she felt was speaking disrespectfully not only to her but to other elders within the family.

I responded to her that I felt some of the passages from the book “You Are Not the Boss of Me!  Understanding the Six/Seven Year Old Transformation”  may be helpful to her; while much of this book is aimed at Waldorf Kindergarten teachers, I think it is still well-applicable to the home environment.

“This transition time, often called “first puberty” or “first adolescence” is a time when children go through an abundance of transformations.  These can bring symptoms of chaotic behavior manifesting in even the most well-adjusted children……..(if) we as caregivers can be prepared inwardly to see and meet the new behaviors of the children, then the children and their parents are more at ease in our presence. The children can then have a safe place to test out their newfound need to push for boundaries, we are braced to meet them and the parents can have trust that we truly understand their children.”  (Of course, this is written for classroom teachers, but I think the idea still stands.)

“Sometime between the age of five and one half  to seven we begin to see that children are asking for something more from us in addition to our continued working out of imitation.”  (page 4)

There is the crux of it; changing from using imitation and modeling to a bit more direct of a disciplinary style.  This does not mean reasoning!  But it does mean a matter-of-fact, peaceful energy around the fact that you are the parent. 

From Page 8 – “One of the most common responses I’ve witnessed is the need of children to be the boss.  Parents, teachers, and their peers are no longer safe from being corrected at every mistake.  This, coupled with an arrival of a sense of time (before, after, and so on), can show itself at circle time when a child speeds up the verse to be finished before the others or on the morning walk when the child slows down her walking so that she can arrive way behind the others.  Going along with what everybody else is doing is no longer an unconscious priority……..A Matter of fact response is needed (then).  “Teachers know the rules of the land, “ or , as I have said to my own children. “That is my job. Your angel asked me to be your helper.”  Children benefit immensely by being met directly at this time, and a neutral, informing tone of voice can reassure them that the boundaries are still in place even though their whole being is in upheaval.  What a relief this is for them!”

This passage is specifically about boys in the kindergarten – “In the kindergarten we can see that boys need to know who is the “boss”. They easily establish a social pecking order with one strong “captain” at the top.  This behavior is even more evident during the six-year-old change.  It is important that an adult take on this role of “captain of the ship.”  There are far fewer problems with bullying and social dominance if it is very clear to the boys that the adult is the boss.  Boys need clear, strong boundaries and limits firmly established.  They do better when the rules of conduct are simple and do not require elaborate explanations.” (page 119)

From page 271 – “Remember, you, as the parent, are the child’s loving authority. Do not be afraid to claim that role.  Your guidance with strengthen, not suppress, your child’s will.  This child is reassured by a warm, confident adult who knows how things work in the world and can show him or her the way.”

Waldorf teachers of this child would think about carefully choosing the battle, trying to transform this situation into a game or offering assistance but also not being afraid to state things a very matter of fact manner regarding  what needs to happen.

The six and seven-year old transformation is the harbinger of what the seven to fourteen-year-old needs.    Many parents out there are using a very direct method of guidance with children younger than six, and this is putting the cart before the horse.  However, as your child moves closer to seven and into the second  seven year cycle, you can have confidence that a direct, clear rule is often called for and needed.

As adults, we do not feel happiness all the time and we do not always speak respectfully at all times to one another.  This child may need to have some other needs addressed – sleep, rhythm, diet, is the child getting sick, what is being modeled in the environment, is this child expending enough physical energy, is something unusual going on at home that is upsetting to the child, is the child involved in some sort of practical work that engages him – but there can also be a place for a simple sentence, and a place for the child to draw a picture to make retribution if he particularly hurt a family member’s feelings with his words.  No guilt trip, no judgment on the child or the child’s behavior in a wordy way.  Just a simple phrase of how we treat one another  and restitution by the child’s hands and body through movement and doing  if this is called for.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Follow-Up to “The Need to Know”

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A mom wrote in response to the original  post “The Need to Know” (the original post I wrote can be found here:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/12/31/the-need-to-know/ )  and talked about how her first child was very verbal and thrived on lots of explanations.  She recognized she has explained many things to this child and she also recognized her second child doesn’t seem to need all this.  This led to the question below, that I wanted to share with you all:

As I was pondering all this, I thought about the future, and how it may be possible that I would have both older and younger children at the same time, and how the younger children might end up hearing explanations given to the older ones… I wonder how one would work out the differences in parenting that would be given to all the children and how to keep the younger ones from getting involved in the more grown-up conversations of the older children.

This is a great question, and I have several thoughts on this and other matters after reading her comment.

My first thought actually is in relation to the first child’s verbosity.  I am not trying to make generalizations here, but I have heard this MANY  times from mothers with first daughters (not all mothers with first-born daughters, but certainly many).  We are a gender that revolves around feelings, words and explanations, and relationships, and  since the first child has no older siblings to imitate and pattern off, they only have YOU to imitate.   This is, as mentioned above, at least partially  a gender issue for these first time verbose children, as I have not only heard this from many attached parents whose  first child is a girl but I have also heard this from mothers who have had two, three or four boys and then they have a girl!  These parents are blown away at how verbal, and explanation-seeking and  different these girls are from their boys.  However, this can  be  not only a gender issue but also a parenting issue and a parenting challenge as well.

If there is a chance that our girls, especially our first girls, are geared toward being in their head early and being very verbal and over-involved in adult matters early, I think that it  is even more reason to STOP TALKING SO MUCH.  Girls tend to take everything you say and remember it and think about and come back to it.  A child under the age of seven, and even under the age of 9, does not need this awareness.  Period.  It does nothing for most mother-daughter relationships except provide the child with lots of words to press against and strong emotions to ensue.

But I digressed for the moment -back to the original question poised above!  The way that this works with older and younger children in the same household is that as your child gets older, you can actually say to the older child, “Honey, please take your little sister into the other room and play for a few minutes while Daddy and I talk.”  This is certainly hard to do with a three or four year old, but not that hard to do with a seven or eight year old.

If there is something that you need to discuss with an older child, but not a younger child, chances are the younger child will go to bed before the older child and you will have a chance to talk without the younger child present.

As all children in the family grow and give up naps, there is a better chance of them going to bed at an early hour and you having some time to spend with your partner to talk about things without the children present.  There is also a better chance at this stage that you will be able to have some time away from your children to spend with other mothers without the children present.  This will feed your soul, and will keep you from overloading your children with adult information and questions.

Lastly, though, I want to point  out that even 7, 8 and 9 year olds do not need to know everything going on all the time and decisions are still the responsibility of the parent.  One example that came quickly to my mind was the election.  I saw during the election how the public schools made a huge deal about the election, held mock elections and really talked about the election and the candidates.  The result of this for many of the 7, 8 9  and even 10 year olds I saw was either complete joy or tears on election day, not understanding how their friend and their friend’s family could like one candidate and their own personal family did not , not really understanding how all this worked but feeding off the emotions everywhere– this, to me, underscored how again society takes a 7, 8 and 9 year old and tries to put them into the position of an adult – this time the position of a voting adult! 

Steiner talks about the age of reasoning starting at age 14.  When my great-grandmother was 16, she was married, working  with her own business and starting a family.  This may not be ideal in this time and place, but I do think the way we often treat small children is like adults in this country but then we micro-manage  and over-manage our teenagers when they are supposed to be making decisions, (even in the area of small decisions where making a mistake is not harmful!).  This is rather baffling – teenagers are at the beginning of logic and reason, but this is still the time to gain experiences and reasoning skills – but not at the age of 7 or 8 or even 9.

Small children deserve to be treated with respect and delight; please do not dump the adult decision-making process on them at this point.  That is your job as a parent.

So, hopefully this not only answered the question but also provided a bit more to ponder and meditate on.  Are you treating your 4 year old like a 9 year old?  Are you treating your 9 year old like a 16 year old?  Are the tools and explanations and choices you are providing appropriate for the age of your child?

One place to garner more information is through the wonderful compilation of Steiner’s lectures in “Soul Economy’.  These lectures really do trace the birth through teenaged years and provide many practical points of knowledge for you to take away and use in Waldorf homeschooling and in life.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.