Kindness In Your Home

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I personally think most people are convinced that kindness is what they want for themselves, for their families and for their homes, but they are not sure what steps to take to ensure kindness prevails even in the most pressured situations of being in the trenches of parenting, mothering, marriage and life.

Let’s delve a little deeper into the how-to’s of kindness. First, we need to know exactly what kindness is:

The Definition of Kindness:

Kindness, as listed in Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, is defined as:

1 Affectionate, loving

2A. Of a sympathetic nature: disposed to be helpful and solicitous

2B. Of a gentle nature

3. Agreeable

As you can see, many times kindness is equated with being helpful or helping someone else. In some religious and spiritual traditions, the notion of doing “charitable acts” is directly correlated with the above definitions of kindness! Kindness, then, is an action that one commits to each and every day!

Mary Ann Kerwin, one of La Leche League’s co-founders had this to say about parenting in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, “Our children teach us much more than we realize. Being a mother has taught me patience, perseverance, self-discipline, and hard work. “(page 170, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding). Kindness, as we can see from the definitions above, also involves the development of being helpful, patient and loving. Part of parenting is perhaps working at becoming a kinder person!

Why Start in Our Homes?

We start in our own homes because we set a tone for our household whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. We start in our own homes because the people we love the most are right there in front of us. We start in our own homes as part of the quiet revolution that good parenting is going to make as a mark upon the next generation of our country’s leaders, innovators and creators. We start because we want our home to be a place of warmth and love and joy for our family and friends. And most of all, we start in our own homes because we want to be the change we want to see in the world. Kindness is a wonderful place to start in setting the tone for our homes.

 

How Do I Do It?

1. Start with Yourself

If we all agree that kindness can be a foundation for “charitable action” throughout the day, a commitment that we must get up and make each and every day, then we can all conjure up that phrase, “Charity begins at home.” This is essential: that home and with ourselves are where we begin. We can only control our own actions; we must start there.

Here are some quotes to inspire you:

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding points out on page 256 that, “As the baby-child grows, he will need guidance, instruction, and sometimes correction to learn the ways of our world. If the foundation of secure love was laid when he was a baby, and if he sees his parents as kind, polite, and considerate people, he will try to imitate them, because he wants to act in ways that please them (most of the time).”

In the book Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids, author Naomi Drew says, “When we take steps in our daily lives to get along with others, work out conflicts, listen when people speak, communicate respectfully, let go of anger, and respect differences, we affect the world in a positive way. Starting gradually, with ourselves and with the people we are close to, our relationships begin to improve, causing a ripple effect. Before long, we see that by living the skills of peacemaking, we make a positive difference in our own lives and the lives of every person we touch.”

Here are some tips for the road:

· Slow down: As much as you can, slow down. Evaluate how many activities you and your family are participating in. How many times a week do you eat dinner together? Play together?

· Think about a family mission statement: We can slow down by defining our very most important priorities, and realize this may mean giving something up. Naomi Drew asks us to ask ourselves, “What do you believe are the most important things you can do for and with your children in the time you have with them?” “What memories do you want to create for your children?” “What do you want to be able to say about yourself as a parent twenty years from now?” “How do you want your children to view their childhood twenty years from now?”

This is very much akin to writing a personal and family mission statement where you and your partner can really sit down and think, “For us, for our family, what does kindness look like in our home?” This is very much akin to writing a personal and family mission statement where you and your partner can really sit down and think, “For us, for our family, what does kindness look like in our home?” Is it no labeling kinds of words? Is it never raising your voice? Is it being able to be speak kindly even in the face of everyone being a yelling mess? Is is being able to see your spouse or child’s point of view during conflict? Who does your acts of kindness extend to- your animals, the plants on your land, your neighbors? Writing a family mission statement can be a eye-opening experience – it can be surprising to find out what your spouse or partner or children really thinks is incredibly important for the family. Writing a family mission statement can also help you and your family tie your shared values in one place for all to see and refer to

 

· Focus on the positive aspects of your role as a homemaker and a parent. Try to do this at least ten minutes a day after your children go to sleep or before they wake up. Most of us have no trouble finding our negative traits as parents or the negative things we bring to the role in which we are setting the tone in our homes. Think about your positive qualities, write them down if you have to!

· Balance of all the Needs of All Family Members: Attachment Parenting talks a bit about balance as one of their Eight Ideals. This is something important to consider – what do you need to be the best parent possible? Are you having physical problems that are affecting your patience and gentleness? Do you need to talk to someone about your life’s journey up to this point in order to heal and be a better parent?

Author Naomi Drew says in Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: “Think of your own life. What can you subtract to restore greater balance? What can you add to be kinder to yourself? Remember, being kind to yourself is neither selfish nor frivolous, quite the contrary. Being kind to yourself feeds the well from which you give to others. Acts of kindness toward yourself are necessities that will enable you to be more loving, compassionate, and available to the people you care about the most.” Can you calmly sit down and discuss this with your partner about what both of you need to be kinder people and come up with a plan to make it happen?

· Think about re-framing your thoughts. “Self-control is mind control,” says author Becky Bailey of the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. “It is being aware of your own thoughts and feelings. By having this awareness, you become the director of your behavior. Lack of self-control turns your life over to other people, events and things as you careen through life on remote control.” Remember, self-discipline on your part means you can teach this to your child; you cannot teach skills you do not possess. More than anything, kindness in the home is a practice.

· Figure out what your irritation points are so you can be in charge of them and they won’t be in charge of you! Is that you are not a morning person and you cannot stand it when you get up and the children start fighting before you have a cup of coffee? Is it your own mother? Is it running errands? What really gets under your skin and how can you come up with a plan to help alleviate the situation? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result, right? Change your strategy to change your result!

· Most of all, remember that you are in charge of YOU. You can change and be the parent and partner you want to be, because you will gain control of yourself first, and be responsible for your own thoughts and actions, and model this for your children. Your family lives what they see in YOU.

Start with your partner or spouse

· Understand the stages of adulthood and marriage: The first thing to realize is that while children go through developmental stages, so do marriages and so do adults. Growing and maturing does not stop at age 21! We hear much talk about “mid-life” crises, but there are whole bodies of works devoted to talking about the cycles of adulthood. Reading and understanding about these cycles may benefit you and your partner with new understanding and compassion for the other person and the most complex of all relationships, marriage.

· Also understand what type of family you are forming – according to Barbara Coloroso’s book “Kids Are Worth It!” this includes the brickwall, jellyfish A and B and the backbone family. There are also other models of family out there, including Linda Budd’s model in the book “Living With the Active Alert Child.” Knowing what kind of family you came from , what your partner came from, and what kind of family you are forming now can help you as you forge a kinder and more peaceful path.

· Re-evaluate your view of conflict. Having a relationship with no conflict at all is not realistic and avoids an opportunity to see the benefits that conflict provides.

· Practice using kind words in your home and making your home a place where you focus on the positive that you see. Practice saying kind things to others as well as yourself – be a good model by showing that you honor yourself!

· Instead of statements that address someone’s character, use statements that describe what you see and how you feel about it. Naomi Drew writes, “When we start from “I”, we take ownership of our feelings and perceptions. “You” places blame on the other person and makes them the brunt of our feelings. “You” puts the other person on the defensive; “I” opens communication.”

· You may investigate Non Violent Communication as a framework takes this even a step further.

· Eliminate sarcasm from your home; when you use sarcasm with your spouse your children see it and hear it.

· Just as you would assume positive intent behind the behavior of your child, assume positive intent for your spouse or partner.

· Model and be “a light” for your family: One wise mother told me on the subject of spouses, “Model what you want to see, but do not nag. Nagging causes rifts and defensive mechanisms and accomplishes nothing.”

· Learn how to handle anger. Can you walk away and regain control? Can you be calm when things are crazy? Can you speak calmly to your partner or spouse about what is bothering you and work it out? Can you be calm as your partner gets upset?

Start with your children

· A very important part of parenting is knowing and understanding childhood development, and what typically happens at what age.

· Understand your child’s specific temperament. Make a sincere effort to accept your child for who they are at every age.

· Avoid labeling your child, even if it is with a label you think is kind.

· You can set clear standards of behavior for your children, but for them to know, you need to decide what those standards are and you need to know how to guide your child toward those standards in a loving way.

Something to inspire you on this subject: “Bear in mind that to say children are equally deserving of dignity and respect does not have to mean that the relationship itself is of equal power. As a parent, you have a broader view and more life experience to draw from, and these are assets you bring to the child as his adult caretaker. You also bear more responsibility for choices surrounding your child than he does.” (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 11).

The question is, can you set the limit with kindness? Without lecturing, over-explaining or defending yourself, being hostile if your child resists? Can you be matter of fact and have peace about the limit you are setting?

There are many times where explanations just don’t work, particularly for a younger child who does not have logical thought yet as part of their developmental maturation .

Nancy Samalin also brings up another reason why sometimes explanations do not work as she writes in her book, “Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works”, “Why don’t explanations work? Because we often give children explanations in an attempt to change their minds and make them agree with us. We hope they’ll buy the explanation and not be angry with us. But after a thousand explanations, children still want what they want as much as they wanted it before. And we just have to deal with not giving them what they want.”

In other words, if we are not careful a detailed explanation is just a justification for our demand.

· Re-evaluate and re-commit to gentle discipline.

Okay, quick!  When I say the phrase, “Gentle Discipline” what comes into your mind – the first thing? No censoring!  For many of us, gentle discipline equates with permissiveness and the thought of a Kids Gone Wild Video!  For others of us, gentle discipline equates with being the parent, who, for lack of better phrasing, is the “valium parent” –you know, the parent who never raises their voice, the parent who is always calm and composed.  “Okay, you just pierced your little brother’s nose with a screwdriver in the garage?  Okaaaay, maybe next time you should ask before you do that!”

Maybe some of us are sad when we hear this phrase, because we would like to not be yelling at our children, or hitting our children, but we are not sure what other tools we have in our toolbox to use.

What if I told you I see gentle discipline in a completely different light?

Many parents equate discipline to punishment.  My Webster’s Dictionary defines discipline some other ways, including as “instruction”; “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”.  I love the idea of discipline being a way to guide or lead a child.  There are consequences to the behaviors we choose as individuals, but many times we punish children for being in a developmentally normal state.

Eda LeShan, in her wonderful article, “Please Don’t Hit Your Kids”, published in Mothering Magazine in Spring of 1996, writes:  “We actually tend to hit children who are behaving normally.  A two year old bites because he doesn’t yet know better ways to deal with problems.  A five year old steals crayons at school because five is too young to control the impulse to take what she wants when she wants it.  A 10 year old lies about having joined some friends in teasing a newcomer at school, since at this age it’s normal to want social approval more than fairness.  It takes many years to learn self-restraint.  This is not a crime.  And making children feel guilty and bad doesn’t solve the problem.  What is called for is help in making retribution, having adults explain why such behavior must be overcome.”

Guiding with loving firmness.  THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, page 257 states: “Discipline is a much maligned word, often associated with punishment and deprivation. Yet discipline actually refers to the guidance which we as parents lovingly give our children to help them do the right things for the right reasons- to help them grow into secure, happy, and loving persons able to step out in to the world with confidence in their own ability to succeed in whatever they set out to do.”

So, there is another oft-maligned word that  I believe needs to be attached to the idea of discipline as a way to guide a child – and that word is AUTHORITY.  Authority is a word that leaves a bad taste in many parents’ mouths.  “Authority?  We don’t need any of that here!  Our home is not a police state!”

Well, when I looked up authority in my Webster’s Dictionary, it said that authority is “a citation from a book or file used in defense or support”, “a decision taken as a precedent”, or finally, “power to influence or command thought, opinion or behavior.”   Influencing my child’s behavior is part of my job as a parent, but I felt it did not get across everything I wanted to say in this situation.  Then I noticed that authority and the word a few entries above, authentic, share the same root.  The dictionary says that authentic is “authoritative” and “worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to fact of reality: TRUSTWORTHY.”

So, perhaps you could view your path in gentle discipline as a way to authentically guide your child.  You, as a trustworthy, authoritative guide.

Truly AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP.

· Using gentle discipline methods and thinking of discipline as guiding and teaching can be helpful in setting a tone for your home that is kind.

“Gentle discipline means, quite simply, placing empathy and respect at the very center of your parenting.”  (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 3).

Here is a recap of some of the tools you can use in gentle discipline:

1. Humor – Lots of parents take parenting very seriously.  But you can still think about humor, think about not taking it all quite so seriously.  There are many situations where humor can save the day.  Humor helps de-escalate things and also models for your child a positive way to look at the sunny side of things and a way to deal with a stressful or frustrating situation.

Many parents say, Save your big reactions for the big things in life! I agree, but in order to do this, you must know what is BIG in your family and to you.  This goes back to the first things we talked about, starting with yourself and your spouse or partner to think about what is BIG for you and your family. Then you will know where to use humor, where to be serious, and what things really matter!

2.  Distraction – this is a viable tool for all children under 7, and even children that are 7 or 8  can still be fairly distractible.  However, this takes creativity in the heat of the moment to think of an appropriate distraction.  Distraction is not a bribe; it is a way to change to scene to your advantage.

Distraction can also show itself by changing the environment.  Some children just need to be outside when they are upset!

3.  Hugs and kisses and being held – solves lots of things without a lot of words. Sometimes you do not need to say much of anything to your child; just holding them lets them know you are there for them.

4. Use of the word “may”  – as in, “Little Johnny, you may bring your plate to the counter for me.  Thank you!”  Be sincere, and this word works well as you set the tone for your own home. Some parents love this, some parents hate this.

6. Limited choices, less words or no words at all –Try just helping your child get into their coat while you sing a song that you usually sing when you go outside.  Try just handing your child their toothbrush after their bath instead of a whole book about the necessity of dental hygiene.  Children under the age of 7 generally do not do well with verbal words alone; they need your warm and gentle physical presence to follow through on what needs to happen.

7.  Consider the value of time-in. Some families have a place where adults and children can sit together until they all calm down, some mothers just have their child sit near them while they do some sort of rhythmical work.

8.  Ignoring – yup, you heard me right.  The Gesell Institute books routinely recommend turning a blind eye to some of your child’s behaviors if it is not hurting others or themselves (or just driving you plain crazy!).

9.  Physical follow-through – If you say something to a small child, you should expect to have to physically help them follow through.  You should expect to have to physically hold an upset child if they need it.  The physicality of life with a small child is always there – hugs, kisses, a lap to sit on and help to do things as needed.  The child’s respect and dignity always needs to be respected, so you need to be calm and gentle when you are following through, but please remember a young child under 7 is probably not going to function well on verbal directives alone.

10.  FREEZE!  One of the best tools in parenting is learning to take that quick pause in your mind’s eye and ask yourself if what you are about to do is going to help your child be the adult they were meant to be; is it going to escalate or de-escalate the situation, is it going to teach your child something or is it just a moment of anger for you that will pass?

· Understanding anger in parenting and how to deal with it is very important. Vimala McClure, in the book, “The Tao of Motherhood,” has this to say about anger in parenting:

“When you feel angry with your child, know that something rational must be done. State your feelings honestly, then withdraw to process your own emotions and make a plan.

Striking out, either physically or emotionally, may succeed in getting through to the child, but it will also plant the seeds of guilt. Guilt is followed by resentment and bitterness. A victory can therefore end in failure. Too many victories and you will witness the death of your child’s trust.”

You can use “I statements” and talk about how you feel at that moment, you can leave the area for a moment (which is very difficult I think with children under the age of 7), you can make amends when the storm is done. You can “erase” what happened, and start over together.

And besides learning how to deal with our own anger, we must teach our children how to “cool-off.” Some families have a “cool-off” corner where everyone can sit together, some families encourage children to draw their feelings out or do something physical to release the anger. Every family is different and find what works for each individual child through trial and error.

· A rhythm to your day can be your friend, especially when you have small children under the age of 7. If every day has different awake, meal, snack, nap and bedtimes, it can become frustrating when everyone is falling apart, yet you feel like you have not gotten anything done and everyone needed to eat 10 minutes ago. Or conversely, if you have so tight a schedule, then the minute your child doesn’t want to hurry or wants to stop and play, this can be stressful. Try to find the happy medium!

· Learn How to Let Go – Nancy Samalin writes in her book, “Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works”: “We readily accept the fact of physical separation but often we forget that a child is not a psychological extension of ourselves, not our possession, not merely a reflection of us.”

As children mature and grow, we have to be willing to let them have more choices and to make mistakes. Nancy Samalin writes, “Our reluctance to let go of our children’s emerging identities comes from our need to have children do things our way, not theirs. If we let them make their own choices, we run the risk of being embarrassed or feeling helpless when they make mistakes. It can be frightening to let a child face the consequences of her own decisions. But in the end she will learn more from the experience of living with her choices than from our nagging, intervening or rescuing.”

Some of this also goes back to knowing and understanding developmental stages. Natural consequences should not be a punishment for a small child (ie, my child who is three does not want to wear a coat in Winter, so I will leave the coat at home – is that a natural consequence or a punishment?) but yet a teenager may need opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. It also goes back to deciding the heart of what is important for you and your family.

Nancy Samalin points out that we can often be hardest on the child who reminds us of ourselves. The less personally you can take the behavior, the more kind you can be. I always say to new mothers of toddlers, It starts off that it is a “good” day if your toddler doesn’t melt down and cry or scream; in later parenting it becomes a good day if you held it together through the melt down or the crying or the screaming. With a child that is older, over seven, you can try to listen more and solve the problem less.

What Happens When Things Are Not Going Well? (Or, The I Really Can’t Do This):

If you are feeling overwhelmed by what you perceive as the negative in your family or in your parenting, the question really becomes what do we do? Here are a few thoughts:

We can try.  We set the tone in our home whether we set it unconsciously or consciously. Each day, each moment, we can try to set the tone in our home toward our ideal.  It is never too late to change, to try, to stop in the middle of a sentence and do something different.  It is never to late to take your child and love them. 

We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.  We are not perfect, we are human.  We all fall short at times.  We can be kind to ourselves and show our children how to have grace when we make a mistake. 

We can get help. We can ask for help from our family, our friends, our neighbors. We can get counseling, we can go to support groups like La Leche League or Attachment Parenting International and get support for our parenting, we can talk to the spiritual leaders who speak to our hearts.  We can investigate if our physical health is impacting our minds, our patience.  Many medical professionals are available to help. 

We can take it easy.  Maybe this is the day we just need to relax and recharge.

We can focus on bedtime and catch some precious moments to ourselves after the children go to sleep and use that to meditate, pray or engage in spiritual work.

We can do our best to go to sleep; I am convinced many of the challenges mothers are facing could be helped if mothers would go to bed and get some rest.  We so often feel we have to satisfy everyone’s needs but our own; our own sleep is paramount to do this!

It is important you can show your family about how to recover from a mistake, a you that shows them we can still do things wrong and make it right, a you that is resilient in the face of life.

 

Kindness within your home is a process, a journey and a practice. You can form relationships for support from other like-minded parents, you can always also talk to your local La Leche League Leader, Attatchment Parenting International Leader or supportive mental health professionals who can help you brainstorm different ideas regarding kindness and peacemaking in your home. As always, take what works for you and your family from these ideas.

Peaceful Parenting,

Carrie

Help! My Child Doesn’t Seem to Know Right From Wrong!

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I have gotten several questions from local mothers lately regarding their (usually four year old) lying or stealing…..And the mothers are rather frantic about this, and are convinced their children are going to grow up to be juvenile delinquents.

First of all, let’s take a brief peek back at the four-year-old, (because it usually is a four-year old):  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/04/fantastic-four-year-old/

Secondly, let’s veer to what Steiner says for a moment.  In his lectures in the book, “Soul Economy”, he is very specific and clear that the child can only start to distinguish between right and wrong starting somewhere around five years of age.  Traditional childhood development resources such as The Gesell Institute states that a child will “blame” every one else for what happens when they do something “wrong” – ie, “You made me do that!”  In the Gesell Institute book “Your Seven-Year-Old” remarks, “Seven is definitely concerned about the wrongness of lying and cheating, especially in others.  He is somewhat less likely to blame others for his misdeeds than earlier, but is quick to tatttle about any breach of the ethical code on the part of his parents and friends.  If he himself missteps, he is very ready with an alibi:  “I didn’t mean to,”  “I forgot,”  “I was just going to do it,”  “That’s what I meant.”  So what are you asking of your four-year-old?

From  a Waldorf perspective we believe that the child under the age of 7 doesn’t have that individual consciousness yet, that a young child is in an imitative phase and that a young child is also in a phase of being physically in their bodies.  In an example to illustrate this, Steiner spoke in one of his lectures about distraught parents who came to him because their under seven child was “stealing” money from a place where they normally stored it in the house.  Steiner pointed out that the child had seen the mother take money from this place to pay for things, and that the child was simply imitating the mother.  The Gesell Institute points out that even a seven-year-old is likely to pick up and play with whatever catches their eye – yes, a seven-year-old!

So here we go back to the question I pose nearly every post:  Are you expecting your four-year-old to act like a ten-year-old?  You cannot parent an under 7 child with verbal directives from a chair.  Do not “ask” your four-year-old to do something, leave the room, come back and ask”, “Why didn’t you do why I asked?”  They are going to say, “I did!”  This is NORMAL from a developmental perspective.

The other issue is to know and understand when to make a BIG deal over things and when not to – yes, we need to guide behavior.  But, we probably need to guide less of this then you think, at least in words.   We tend as parents to be oh-so-serious about these issues in the three, four year –old.  If you “Head Talk” to your under six child about lying, stealing, etc it will not make much of an impact at all because of the above things we mentioned developmentally – if you are physically there to help your child follow through with what you ask, if you do not draw so much individual consciousness to them at such an early age, if you remember normal childhood development, then your physical presence will hold the space and decrease these behaviors.

Your child is learning how to be a moral person in their early childhood and needs your strong, and warm physical presence in the Early Years.  In Waldorf, we would work with this through less words, and more doing.   More physical presence, more being there with the child, more being present.  And knowing what to make a big deal of and knowing when to clean up the mess with the child and  not talk it to death!  

Please re-think your overly verbal and head-oriented approach to the child in the younger years as they develop their ethics and sense of morality.  Reassure your child they are loved no matter what behavior that they try on, but SHOW them that you are the adult in this situation, you have the control, and you can help them by being there.

In Peace,

Carrie

CDC’s Recommendations Regarding Swine Influenza A and Pregnancy and Breastfeeding

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You can get a look at the latest information we have here:

http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/clinician_pregnant.htm

Thanks,

Carrie

The Mini-Rant of Boundaries, Balancing and More

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My dear friend came over yesterday and while our children played we were just talking.  She mentioned some of her experiences whilst tutoring children in German, her native language,  and commented that some of the brightest, most academic, most verbal boys were also “the most difficult to work with”  within a tutoring situation.    When I queried her further, she said she felt that these boys, while often  very bright, were often VERY behind in other areas, including understanding of boundaries and personal space, manners, gross motor skills and fine motor skills.  (Oh, but they can read!  They have read since they were three!)

Donna Simmons just wrote this insanely good post about boundaries on her blog, have you all read it?  Here is the link in case you haven’t  yet:  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2009/04/boundaries.html

This is an excellent reminder of what so many parents are doing with their children in our society (and not doing) and boundaries are there throughout all of our lives. 

To me, this inability of children to deal with boundaries of which my friend was speaking, (which, by the way,  I see more and more of), is directly tied into the lack of rhythm of the early years in children under 7 where no boundaries are set. The Early Years are the foundation for the rest of life.  Bedtime is when the child is  over- tired.  Naptime may or may not happen.  Meals and snacks are a different time each day.  Caregivers may be different with the rotation of the small child from room to room in daycare as they mature and grow.  Instead of being firmly entrenched at home, the small child is more and more likely to be going to the mall, the play area at the mall, out to lunch, and on every errand.

Instead of placing importance of the small child learning boundaries, becoming rhythmical, being rested and fed whole foods, living in their bodies and experiencing things through their senses,  we place the emphasis on “Have they started preschool yet?  Do they know their numbers and letters?”  If this is so beneficial for the long run, why is the United States behind other countries in academic indicators as the grades progress?  I had a dear Dutch neighbor who was amazed at the things her daughter learned here in the United States in the second and third grade and remarked that some of the things her child was learning was not taught until much later, sometimes in the SEVENTH grade, in the Netherlands.  If our emphasis on academic prowess in the early years and the early grades is so wonderful, why do we have such a high rate of ADD/ADHD, why do we see so many school-aged children who are having health issues related to stress, why do we see so many teenagers who are battling that feeling of “I have already done it all, I know everything, I have seen it all”?

I feel the problems we are seeing in the areas of boundaries with small children who are oh –so -smart and who can chatter incessantly oh- so -well has to do with our direct inability as a society to set boundaries with our children. 

We seem to have lost as a whole in our society the ability to distinguish the need to set boundaries that will keep the child a small child.  Instead, a small child is enmeshed in an adult world, with adult ideas and explanations and adult hurrying. 

Instead of letting the child be a small child, and realizing that a first, second, and third grader is still small and there is time to learn certain advanced concepts when the child is ready, there is this notion that if we start early and we just practice enough and repeat it enough, the child will get it!  Yes, the child may memorize it –but does it feed the child’s soul? does it speak to the child and the level of experience the child has?  Does it relate to what is in the child’s everyday life that they know?  Oh, hang developmental and physiological maturation anyway, we must know better than Mother Nature and our Creator, right?

This is one of the absolute major hang-ups I have with The Well-Trained Mind for the Early Grades – and my problem with it is not the idea that the child won’t  enjoy the  stories of ancient history, because they probably will.  They will probably enjoy spending time with you and listening to whatever you have to say!   But they probably will enjoy fairy tales, legends, nature tales just as much and take these truths into their souls more than just the story of how someone said it was some time ago.   Again, I think that learning some of these concepts early is just a symptom of the “expose the child early enough, drill it through several different times through the educational process and it will eventually stick” that we are seeing everywhere…….But does this lead to creativity and problem-solving that the technical nature of our society requires now and will require even more in the future?  As a science person, these are the questions that keep me up at night.

I hear parents worry about the academic rigorousness of Waldorf.  Waldorf education IS academically rigorous, at least in my household, but it is RESPECTFUL of where the child is.  Who says first grade should be as academically rigorous as the tenth grade?  This makes no common sense at all.   The things that are laid out in the Waldorf curriculum will have more impact and more meaning on their lives  than other methods, and yes, Virginia, you can still get in all your academic concepts through the wonderful stories and art and movement  in the Waldorf curriculum.  There are still matters of grammar, punctuation, writing, math, learning to play music, art, and all those other skills in the early grades in Waldorf.  That perceived pink bubble of Waldorf kindergarten does not last forever!  But that to me, is more where a small child SHOULD be!

And maybe, if we focus on the whole picture, the whole child, the idea of what a child needs outside of academics to function in our society, then we will be on to something.

Spend some time thinking about boundaries in your family.  Are the boundaries of people respected in your house?  What is done for the good of the whole family?  If someone has a need for rest, is this respected?  How about the ability to finish a sentence without interruption? Is your child learning manners, learning reverence, learning gratitude, experiencing things through their bodies and their senses? Boundaries are things children are learning over time, with GENTLE and LOVING guidance – they don’t happen overnight!  But they are every bit as important, if not more so, than the whole notion of being able to decode a symbol on a page at an early age.

So much for my rant of the day,

Carrie

More Inspirations from “Tapestries”: Ages 49-56

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Yes, we are going to finish going through the seven-year life cycles as they apply to adults ages 21 and older as seen through the eyes of Betty Staley in her wonderful book “Tapestries”.  If you missed the older posts on this and would like to read them, please do hit “seven year cycles” in the tags box and catch up!  There is also a post based on the cycles that occur in marriage and you can find that by hitting “Challenges in Marriage” in the tags box.

We are up to ages 49-56, a time Betty Staley labels as “Reassessing Our Priorities”.    She notes the following things about this stage:

  • We draw closer to our childhood experiences in this age and have a renewed interest in our roots and our family.  We question things such as “Why was I born into this particular family?  This particular culture?  This country?”
  • Through an understanding of our relationships, accomplishments, and struggles, we are able to bring wisdom to these experiences and also gratitude.
  • She remarks that, “By the time we enter this phase, middle-age is a fact of life.  Many of the strong emotions of earlier stages seem far away and even a bit silly.  In fact, it’s hard to remember some of the reasons for our disagreements with friends or partners.  We find ourselves forgiving those who caused us great pain.”
  • The strong urge to compete has diminished.  With it comes freedom to reform our own lives, ourselves, to live according to our own values. 
  • “Unwillingness to look at ourselves objectively and accept criticism will only block our further growth. “  We have to take responsibility for our behavior, and often flexibility decreased during this period of life.  “The big question during this period is whether we will have enough flexibility to learn from the past, or  become too rigid and replay past errors.”
  • Career change is common at this point of life.
  • Often men go through this stage and career change dramatically.  In the past, he may have been the provider and now savings may get used for daily living while he re-tools for a different career.  “It is a strong wife who can keep her family together at this time….”
  • If a woman has been mainly at home and now feels the need to make a career change while a child is still at home, her decision affects the entire family.    All the family is more on their own, and “the feeling of being nurtured is weakened.” 
  • If the woman has been mainly at home, a change will come when her children leave home.  Some women feel abandoned as their children leave the nest one by one, some cannot wait to have time for themselves again. 
  • Children leaving home can also be a challenge to a couple’s relationship.  “It can be a delightful experience to get to know each other again, to have time for each other; or it can spell the ruin of the marriage if a couple discovers that their relationship has deteriorated and was only held together by routine and concern for the children.” 
  • Betty Staley talks about how childhood trauma can cause problems during this period, that early traumatic experiences are woven into the body itself.  Fear of death can be intense during this time period. 
  • Men who come through what is called “the pivotal years” (40-50) are often in three groups – those who had unhappy childhoods and know how bad things can get and who are not frightened by much; those who have a strong sense of responsibility to other people; and then the third group composed of men who never had much ambition, optimism or confidence – since they didn’t set very high goals for themselves, not reaching these goals doesn’t seem so disappointing.  The men in the first two groups seem to come through this seven year phase much better than men in the third group. 
  • This seven year cycle is really about the balance between flexibility and rigidity, the balance of the soul with the art of living, the use of rhythm, the balance between stability and newness.

 

Happy pondering,

Carrie

Age for Waldorf First Grade

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If you are confused, well, join the rest of us!  Some Waldorf resources say the child is six in first grade, other sources say seven.  The general guideline I have used is that the child should be at least six and a half by the time the First Grade starts.  This means if your child has a summer birthday, they may be seven when first grade starts.  Most early six- year -olds are still in Waldorf Kindergarten (or should be). 

Do not rush, you can never get the Waldorf Kindergarten six –year- old year back!  And most children will benefit from the extra time to just “be” without having to focus on a main lesson for two hours.  No need to rush the end of that first seven-year cycle.

Hope that helps,

Carrie

Thoughts for Homeschooling Waldorf Grade Two

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I personally am very excited to prepare for Grade Two!  A Grade Two child should be close to eight years of age and the Waldorf curriculum for this age reflects the increasing separation (but not complete)  of the child from the dreamland of the first seven-year-cycle.  A second-grader should still be open and trusting about the world, although not nearly as dreamy as your First Grader should have been.  Second Grade is a  deepening of what has been taught in the First Grade, and we have the privilege of making sure our child really does know all their phonetic sounds of the letters, sight words, going deeper with our four math processes, increased and more realistic Science.  We have the opportunity to make sure the child is learning these things through movement, art, and music and rhythm instead of dry, mind-numbing workbooks and reading comprehension paragraphs.

Stories of the Saints sometimes throw parents during this year.  The Saints are NOT taught within the context of the Catholic Church (although if you wanted to do that at home, I suppose you could!)  There are also  Hindu saints (see Hear the Voice of the Griot! by Betty Staley for suggestions) and Donna Simmons has some suggestions for Saints and Heroes from Russia, Native America, China and other places. Donna Simmons writes in her “The Christopherus Waldorf Curriculum Overview for Homeschoolers”:

“Stories of the Saints is a wonderful Main Lesson found in most Waldorf schools.  Here one is telling stories from the lives of people who were not quite of this world – whether this is Brendan braving the waves to sail to new lands,  Francis addressing the wolf at Gubbio or Bride traveling to another life via the well.  This is not a block on good people or people who have done good deeds.  This is about other-wordly people, messengers from the spiritual world – a place the eight year-old still relates to.”

Second Grade material also could include the Buddhist Jataka Tales from India, myths and legends of the world, Native American or African trickster tales, Robin Hood or King Arthur, Mungo.   The moral lesson of the tale, as far as trickster tales and fables,  is NOT directly said – the child will figure it out!  Remember what Steiner said about supplying the child of this age with conclusions (and if you forgot, see this post here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/17/inspirational-words-from-steiners-the-education-of-the-child-regarding-teaching-of-the-7-14-year-old/).

Language Arts is centered around starting to learn the types of speech (the four kinds of words – name words, doing words, how words and color words.  You can see Dorothy Harrer’s “An English Manual” by Dorothy Harrer), punctuation, writing paragraphs, more word families, sight words.  All of this is taught creatively through stories and movement, not through dry workbooks. 

Eric Fairman has many examples of how to tackle the four kinds of words in his book regarding second grade and is a good resource.

Math this year has the following goals, taken from Ron Jarman’s “Teaching Mathematics in Rudolf Steiner School for Classes I-VIII”:

a) Rhythmic learning by heart the rest of the multiplication tables (up to 12 times) and in many ways: 12 is three times 4, three 4s are 12, 4 into 12 goes three.  Rhythmic clapping, speaking, etc of sequences, both forwards and backwards, of sequences like 3  6 9  12

b)Intensive mental arithmetic, and practical problems where is has to be used.  Use of the familiar terms “a half of”, “a quarter of”, “the difference between”.  Playing store with money.

c)Written arithmetic in units, tens, hundreds and thousands – with addition, subtraction, short multiplication and short division; all involving carrying.

d)  Simple money sums

e) Development of symmetrical form drawing – using several shapes on the same piece of paper with one vertical axis of symmetry, extension to horizontal plus vertical axes, with horizontal axis alone.

f) freehand drawing of various symmetrical shapes – ovals, pentagons, pentagrams and interlacing figures

g) Experience of directions of space N, S, E and W

h)Factor multiplication and division

i)  Predicting the rough answer of a sum before doing it

j)  Translating large numbers into words and vice versa.

Science focuses on the characteristics of animals, taken from the Fables and Saint Stories as part of the three –day rhythm. If you are confused how to do this, I highly suggest you join Marsha Johnson’s Yahoo!group waldorfhomeedcuators and access her second grade files regarding how to do this.  Other blocks may include working with the four elements.  Gardening is a practical way to incorporate Science in second grade at home.  I have a complete post regarding the scope and sequence of Science throughout the years in the Waldorf curriculum:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/28/science-in-waldorf-homeschooling/

Form Drawing has been mentioned, with a focus of mirrored or symmetrical forms on a vertical axis, crossing the axis, working with a horizontal axis and then work with both axis lines toward the end of Second Grade.

Knitting in some schools included projects with purling now; some schools move into crochet.  Hand sewing can still be done as well.

Music should be continuing with singing and your blowing instrument and more songs.  Piano is not included in the Waldorf curriculum and a stringed instrument is introduced in the Third Grade, but some homeschooling parents do start piano lessons here.

Modeling, as taken from Arthur Auer’s wonderful book “Knowing About the World Through Modeling”, include wonderful ideas for working with the animals of many of the fable and Saint stories. 

Wet-on-wet painting lessons often link up with the stories of saints and fables.  Dick Bruin and Attie Lichthart write in their book “Painting in Waldorf Education”,  that in order to keep the painting from becoming a representation of something from the story instead of a color conversation, sometimes the painting exercises are done a few months after the stories are told.

Gardening, as mentioned before, should be an important part of your curriculum in the home environment.  Working with the four elements is also laying the foundation for later physics of the sixth grade, so do that work carefully.

All in all, a wonderful year with lots of material to choose from!

Carrie

Determining the Essential

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A lovely mom recently wrote in with a comment about how to handle establishing rhythm while working part-time. 

I think this boils down to sitting down with your partner and choosing the essential things for your family.  Some partners actually sit and write a family mission statement (if you have written one and are willing to share it as inspiration for others, please do write a comment in the comment box!)  Once you know what is absolutely essential for you and your family, it becomes easier to discern what to say “No” to and what to say “yes” to.  Also, the age of your children is important as older children can deal with a bit more flexibility in the routine than the younger child can.

So, my suggestion if you are a working -outside- the- home mother and you have children under the age of 7, is to get a piece of paper and a pen and really meditate on what is most important for you and your family?  Is it your family’s spiritual path?  Is it spending time in nature?  Is it health?  Is it serving others?  Is it creating and holding a steady, warm space at home for your little ones?

These are important questions and probably every family will have a bit of a different slant on things, but the other food for thought I can offer for determining what is essential is to determine the totally necessary things for your children. If you have children under the age of 7, you probably know from this blog some of those things – rhythm (which may dictate saying “No’” to activities that are at a bad time or whatever), bedtimes, warm foods that are not processed, outside time, play, stories and music. If you have children in the 7-14 year old range, you are going to start thinking about creating a trusted circle of adults and friends, spiritual life, protection from fatigue, forming good habits and memory, art and music.  If you have children over the age of 14, you will be thinking of even different things.  If you have children that span mixed age ranges, you will have to take into account all these different ages and what they need and figure out the best way to accommodate this in probably the most limited way so you don’t go crazy trying to be all things to all people.

The point is, though, that we all have things that are essential.  We cannot do everything, and nor can our children.  We must pick and choose.

Rhythm is essential in itself.  Some people profess that they are not rhythmical at all, yet we all breathe in a rhythmical manner, we all have hearts that hopefully beat in a rhythmical manner, women have menstrual cycles that are hopefully rhythmical.  If you are not rhythmical, I would suggest that you need rhythm even more than the average person.  If you find you cannot stick to a rhythm, you may be trying to make it so complex to start and trying to do everything without saying “No” to anything.  Rhythm without discernment of your most important priorities is difficult at best, if not impossible. 

Determine your essential things – whether this is through writing, journaling, meditating, praying, or drawing.  I would love to hear your progress, what is essential to you, and what you have had to say “No” to in order to fulfill the essential.

Please do share,

Carrie

Peaceful Living with Your Super Seven-Year-Old

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The seven-year-old is entering a new phase in life in many ways, and there are some specific ways that they need support from you as the parent:

  • A seven-year-old still needs PROTECTION of their senses and of how much they are doing in any one day.  A seven-year-old wants to do everything and anything, but as the Gesell Institute points out, a hallmark of the seven-year-old is fatigue.  They need you to establish good bedtimes (7:30 is not too early for a busy seven-year-old!) and they need you to help them limit their activities.
  • The Gesell Institute also mentions that many seven-year-olds with fall birthdays may not be ready for second grade at all.  This is not typically a problem in the Waldorf curriculum due to most second graders should be close to eight in second grade, but do take heed if school is not going well.
  • A seven-year-old needs PROTECTION from dry facts, boring teaching, and adult intellectualization.  A seven-year-old is still not in the realm of logical thought.  Steiner strongly felt this age should be taught through parables, stories, stories about great men and women (pretty forward thinking for that day and age, adding the “great women” in there!), and not providing dry conclusions of “this is the way it is”.  His thought was this really stifled the thought process and independent judgment making that a teenager of aged 14 and up would go through at that time.
  • Therefore, it goes without saying, your seven-year-old still does not need too much explanation about things.  Simples explanation, yes, but still needs stories and analogies about things in life.
  • Physical movement is still REALLY important, and I am not talking about organized sports.  I am talking about PLAYING and being outside in nature where they create the games themselves.  Seven-year-olds should still be playing!  The Gesell Institute mentions that adult supervision is still important when they play because sevens become excited and wild which can often end in “destruction of  material or personal altercation.”  Also, be aware many seven-year-olds are not too compassionate of those they deem “different” and while they thrive on group praise per Gesell Institute, most sevens also do not seem to “need” friends the way they did when they were six.
  • Steiner felt the most important things to provide this age outside of stories was showing the child through pictorial imagery that something exists above Man (his idea of showing the child the  “supersensible” ), community and having a circle of people the child can trust is important, beauty, art, music and rhythm, the formation of good habits and the development of memory.  If you would like more information on this, please refer to this post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/17/inspirational-words-from-steiners-the-education-of-the-child-regarding-teaching-of-the-7-14-year-old/
  • Seven-year-olds are more contained, quiet, and tend to cry easily “at any, every, or even no provocation.”  Be careful becoming irritable or critical of the people a seven-year-old says is picking on them or hates them….Sevens rather like being gloomy and complaining.  Try not to take it too seriously, unless you really do think it is a bullying issue at school or something else more serious.  However, not taking it too seriously does not mean you do not treat the complaints that no one likes me, etc, etc as if they are real.  The feelings are real to your child!  So, don’t get dragged too far into it all, but also acknowledge how your child feels.
  • Seven-year-olds think about death, dying, killing, violence.  This is why the archetypal fairy tales found in the Waldorf curriculum are wonderful for this age.  Take all the wild talk calmly!  You can sometimes say something to the effect that children think these things, but add in that, “Of course we wouldn’t do that here in our house.”
  • If your child is rude, please do be calm.  Treat the rudeness in the  matter-of-fact manner as you would any other bad behavior.
  • A seven-year-old is likely to be fearful of many things; again, these feelings are real to the child so you can be sympathetic and compassionate without being completely dragged into it all.  Don’t YOU be frightened of your child’s fears; that provides the child no sense of security at all!
  • Know that a seven-year-old still will most likely touch, manipulate and play with anything that catches their eye.
  • Most sevens are procrastinators, have short memory spans per Gesell (which makes perfect sense to we Waldorf people that memory is forming and being placed into play as something important now); they have a tendency to get very distracted easily.  Sevens also try to be perfect and need reminding that no one is perfect or should be perfect.
  • Help your child take mistakes as calmly as possible, and if possible how to laugh at themselves a bit when they do make a mistake.  Help your child to work toward best effort as an achievement and not the whole win-lose thing.  Stories that involve these notions can be very helpful, also stories where the person has to work hard to get a result, since most sevens would like to do something perfectly right off the bat.
  • Your seven-year-old will argue with you in a sense, asking “Why?”  “Why?” over and over, more almost as a stalling technique for whatever you asked them to do.  Do NOT overtalk to them!  If you need help, see my post entitled, “Stop Talking!  (”https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/14/stop-talking/)  But do make sure your child has heard you- sometimes they really don’t hear you!
  • As always, pick your battles as to the things that are MOST important for your family.

 

Here is to peaceful and respectful living with our children,

Carrie

Your Super Seven-Year-Old: Traditional and Anthroposophical Views of Development, Part Two

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We took a peek at the seven-year old through a model of traditional childhood development with our friends at the Gesell Institute in their wonderful book, “Your Seven-Year-Old”.  Today we are going to look at the seven-year-old through an anthroposophical lens of Waldorf parenting and education.  Please take what resonates with you; if you are not familiar with Waldorf education some of these ideas may seem startling.  Some of these ideas may not mesh with your own religious beliefs or your viewpoint, so you must decide if these ideas even work for you.  I tend to view the child from more of a body/soul/spirit Judeo-Christian perspective, but I put this here so you can decide how you feel. 

The seven-year-old is beginning the second seven year cycle of their life.  The child is seen as still incarnating into the physical body, but now the etheric body is forming and developing.  If you have forgotten all about the notion of Steiner’s four-fold human being, here is the quick review of the four components from the book “The Physiology of Childhood” by Schoorel:

  • The physical body – the physical body takes and requires space.  The physical body is born into the inner world  during the first month of pregnancy, and is born into the outer world with the birth of the physical body of the infant.
  • The ether body – maintains all life in the human being, animal, or plant.  It encompasses such diverse things as breathing, biochemical processes.  When the ether body is gone from the physical body, the physical body is dead.  The ether body is not visible to the human eye (this makes sense, doesn’t it, if the ether body is all chemical reactions and such) but some of the ACTIONS of the ether body we CAN see, such as biorhythms, heartbeats, brainwaves, the menstrual cycle of the female.  The ether body is born into the inner world of the child when the child starts to take care of their own life processes outside of the mother – breathing, digestion, warmth, metabolism.  The ether body is seen being born into the outside world around the age of 7, as signaled by the appearance of the permanent teeth.
  • The astral body – the bearer of abilities: behavior, the ability to think, to feel, to will; sympathy, antipathy, the ability to have wishes, desires, passions.    In anthroposophy, the astral body cannot be seen, but some of the ACTIONS  of the astral body can be seen within the inner organs and the nervous system.  Schoorel goes on to write on page 26 that:

“The astral body is, among others, the carrier of desires, emotions, and egoism.  During the first years, the astral body does not work in the body of the child under the child’s direction.  During the first three years, children are not egoistic but innocent, neutral, and objective in their behavior and actions.  The first three years lay the physical foundation of the three main functions of the soul – willing, feeling, and thinking.  This foundation is laid through the fact that children learn to walk in their first year, learn to speak in their second year, and learn to  think in their third year.”

At about the age of three, the astral body is born into the inner world of the child; it is born into the outer world at the age of 14.

  • The I-organization- is a system of intentions, directions, goals.  The I-organization is the bodily foundation of the human I.  The human-I is a spiritual being where one learns how it can do good out of free choices.  Steiner believed that when the physical body died, the I would go toward further incarnation and leave the I-organization behind.  The I-organization activity is internalized around the age of 10 and is then born into the outer world around the age of 21.

So, the child is growing and changing and needing different things to support the etheric body as it forms and also to  consolidate the incarnation into the physical body.  In Kindergarten, the emphasis is on WILLING.  Now the emphasis is on FEELING.  In Kindergarten, the main goal included creating a sense of GRATITUDE.  Now the goals center around the child’s response to AUTHORITY (remember, not mean nasty authority, but a natural love for teacher, people they can trust).  This is the time to foster a sense of community, of LOVE, of beauty.

I have written many posts on the six/seven year transformation, and you can access those in the tags box.  That will provide needed background so you can understand what the seven year needs for peaceful living.

Peace,

Carrie