In our last post we looked at the role of daughters who are ages birth through 7.  Today let’s look at further ages!

Age 8-14

• Dads are VERY important during this time to many girls, so hopefully the foundation for a close father-daughter relationship was laid during the first seven years.
• Daughters really want to be with their fathers and have his undivided attention.  They can be very interested in Dad’s work and what hobbies he enjoys.
• They also want to be able to be authentic around their fathers, and to not have to be always happy or never  be angry around their fathers.  Emotional availability is important to girls.
• Daughters need the genuine praise and love of  their fathers.
• They need dad to help them follow through on family rules (and the rules need to be reasonable and clear).
• They want to be included in their father’s world and do things with their father.
• The practical management of money is one area where  many fathers take over the teaching with good results.  Another area may be sports, whether this may be team sports or individual sports.  I know families where dad coaches the team sport, and I know families where the whole family takes karate together.  It is not that mothers cannot teach their children in these areas, but these are areas where I have seen other families have success with spending time and guiding their daughters, and areas mentioned that dads may have success in the book, “Raising A Daughter.”
• Dads really can impact how girls transition into adolescence.  A great time for Daddy-Daughter dates if that has not already been happening!
• Dads usually are also great people to start teaching a 10 or 12 year old and up how to set goals and plan strategy!  Again, not that mothers cannot, but this may be an area where dads really excel!

Ages 14-21

• In the book “Raising A Daughter”, by Jeanne Elium and Don Elium, they write, “The worst mistake for a father to make at this time in his daughter’s life is to withdraw himself from her, because he does not know how to deal with his own response to her developing sexuality.  Daughters need reassurance from the first man in their lives that these changes they are undergoing are okay, that their father still loves them.”
• Emotional availability is very important to girls of this age.
• Fathers can be a big support during this age for setting clear limits.
• Fathers help teach girls of this age what to expect from a boyfriend or a future husband.
• Dads need to understand that this an age when the intellect is growing, that the teenager notices the “unfairness” of things and is critically questioning and searching for answers to her questions.
• Girls may separate less from their parents and families than boys and attempt to make their relationships more authentic, deeper.  They long for connection.  There is more about this important difference between boys and girl adolescents on page 342 of “Raising A Daughter.”
• A best friend is very important during this time!  I am sure many of us remember this from our own adolescence, and I still see it in the teenaged girls around me.  I recommend from a homeschooling perspective that you work hard to find activities and friends for your daughter during the age range of 8-12 because  it can be difficult for homeschooled teenagers to connect to others during the high school years – some homeschooled children go on to not homeschool during these years, the activities are fewer and involve a broader age range usually (ie, adults may be included in community classes, etc.).  It can be more challenging, so something to think about and plot a course, because it will become important thing for your daughter as she matures and grows.
• Help your teenager find balance between intellect and physical.
• Enforce the family – as homeschoolers we typically do not have a problem with this, but other families may so it is worth mentioning. It is okay to take a family vacation and not bring along your child’s friends.
• Hook your daughter up with mentors in career fields she is interested in, or even with other adult women that you trust and know for things such as gardening, baking, etc.
• Encourage all work toward an achievement.  That is important to recognize the process, not just the result!
• This is a time to talk and negotiate (and if you are doing this in the younger years, you are putting the cart before the horse! Please stop!)  Discuss in private away from friends, younger siblings.  This is important to an adolescent!
• Dad really needs to be open emotionally to his daughter and involved in his daughter’s life.  He also needs a fulfilling relationship with his spouse or partner to really model this for his daughter. Work on your relationship together!
• Help your teenaged get involved in volunteering, whether that it through a place of religious worship, in your neighborhood, or through a service organization.
• Watch your daughter carefully for the plagues of the modern teenaged years – eating disorders, sexual abuse by a boyfriend or others, suicide, cutting and get help from professionals as your daughter needs it.

Hope this list was helpful, not only to dads, but to all of you.  I highly recommend Jeanne Elium and Don Elium’s, “Raising A Daughter.”  This book is highly compatible with both attachment parenting and Waldorf perspectives, and will truly make you think.  It is well-worth the money, and you can also try your local library and see if it is there.

Peace,

Carrie

Fathers have a profound affect on their daughters.  Fathering impacts what kind of relationships our daughters have as they grow, and helps daughters deal with and balance the masculine and feminine elements in life.  Fathering is so important!

How can we nurture the relationship between fathers and daughters?  Here are a few thoughts for the first seven year cycle.

Birth to Age 7

• Let dads do something!  So many mothers I see don’t really get dads involved, or if the dad tries to do something, the mother says the dad is “doing it wrong”.  If mom stays at home some families seem to see child-rearing as the sole job of the mother.  Yet, if dads are involved from the beginning of the child’s life  it becomes much easier to maintain an open and  loving relationship through the changes that menstruation and the teenaged years bring.   Many dads at this stage feel estranged and distanced by their daughter’s budding sexuality, so helping Dad build a close relationship in these early years can be a big help in the later years where daughters need to be emotionally open and treated well by the “first man” in their life.
• Recognize that  Dad is NOT going to do it the way you do it, and that is OKAY.  They – the father and the daughter – will find their own way TOGETHER.  Their relationship is not your relationship with your daughter and nor should it be.  You married this man because you loved him, allow him to also be a parent!  Trust him!
• If you are breastfeeding, there are still lots  of things dad can do to be involved with the baby.  This includes walking the baby around , singing to the baby, holding the baby, changing diapers, giving baths, feeding solid foods when that time comes and taking care of you so you can nurse the baby you created together.
• Work on your own relationship with dad!  Girls within the ages of 0-7 are absorbing impressions about how relationships within the family work and about marriage as well.
• Let Dad participate in doing fun things with his child, as I mentioned above – don’t expect dad to step into the highly charged emotional situations without having built love and trust first in spending some fun together.
• However, don’t let dad do just all the fun things….. let dad handle the child crying and dealing with the child when the child is upset.  The child will learn that dad is as adept and marvelous as you are with handling things, and that dad really can handle things without mom there!  And yes, moms, you may have to leave sometimes or have father-daughter leave the house in order to foster and nurture their relationship without you in the way.  Many mothers say their three or four year old dislike being with dad and run to them to fix everything if the mother is anywhere in the vicinity – I hate to sound awful, and this may come around as the child gets older, but the best time for a dad and daughter to build a relationship is earlier, not later.  It is NOT attachment mothering it is attachment PARENTING.  It took two of you to make this baby, trust that dad can do this!  If dad has not built up a bank of love and care with his child before the age of 3 or 4 or 5, it can still happen but it will take consistent work and dedication.
• Sit down together and talk with dad about his ideas regarding  such things as gentle discipline, the role of outside time, what kind of toys does he think a girl should have, television and other media, family health, family holidays and how you will celebrate them, how dad envisions the rhythm of the family, family chores, and the big issues of things such as spirituality and how spirituality and religion play into your lives everyday.  Figure out these things together!  Have a family mission statement. 
• Dads need to give their babies and their  little girls their time, and their attention.  Little girls like to know dad is not only with them physically, but paying attention.  As your daughter grows, consider “daddy-daughter” dates or “daddy-daughter” breakfasts weekly so their relationship can continue to be nurtured and grow.
• Dad can be a wonderful person to have humor when mother-daughter tensions run high; dad can be a wonderful person to be part of the united front of loving guidance and teaching boundaries within the home to a daughter in a loving way. 
• The book “Raising A Daughter” by Jeanne Elium and Don Elium has this to say on page 267:  “Adjustment studies of children raised with three different parenting styles – the authoritative (NOTE here by Carrie:  NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH authoritarian, rigid and strict style of parenting), the democratic and the laissez-faire- showed surprising outcomes.  Authoritative parents make the rules, offer few choices, and expect their children to follow family principles.  Democratic families operate from a place of fairness, consider how other members feel, offer lots of choices, and place high value on cooperation.  Children whose parents are laissez-faire, are allowed to believe whatever they wish and to behave according to their own whims.  This long-term study found that children raised in laissez-faire fashion grew up to have difficulty cooperating and getting along with others.  Those from democratic families found it hard to make decisions as adults.  Those raised by authoritarian parents were the most well-adjusted adults, able to make decisions, follow rules, and cooperate with others.”  So if dad tends toward harsh and punitive, or just rather jelly-fish-ish, perhaps these are areas you can explore together!
• For the first seven years, the Eliums recommend a style of parenting with few choices, limited media, using gentle physical help to guide a child as opposed to lots of words, and to look at our daughters from a place of kindness and understanding.  Sound like Waldorf to me, and like so many of the posts I have written on here to STOP TALKING and START DOING.  Help dad to know how to use your environment, your rhythm, stable patterns of sleep and eating and being firmly entrenched in the home.  Stop over-explaining to your three, four, five and even six and seven year old.  Let Dad in on this secret!  Let him help you, model it for him, talk about it when it comes up, get on the same page!  But don’t nag, because nagging truly doesn’t work.  Parenting is a process, and many mothers want to parent as if they are alone – there are two of you, and both of you have to be comfortable.  Talk with each other!
• Know your developmental stages, and especially understand the developmental stages  regarding sexuality,  because for many parents most  of the fears for their little girls revolve around sexual issues.   Talk with dad and decide together how you will handle such common things as “playing doctor”, masturbation by your daughter during the early years as this is common, and how you will handle the possibility of scarier sexual subjects such as molestation and sexual abuse.  Talk about how you will work to protect your daughter’s safety.
• Talk together about protecting your child’s infancy!   Discuss and provide fun activities for the whole family to do together that meets your needs and family values….But again, give dad the space and time to come up with his own things to do with his child during “their time”.  They will work it out, and your daughter will so benefit from fathering and seeing their parents work as partners and as two separate people who love them very much.

Just food for thought,

Carrie

I have written a three day challenge in the past that was very, very popular.  You can view that one here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/01/take-my-three-day-challenge/

This week, I am choosing a different focus for a three-day challenge.  I have seen so many mothers who say they like to be home with their kids, they are glad to be there, yet they seem stressed and joy-less.  Everything is extremely serious in their household, everything is taken very seriously.

So, for the three days of your choosing this week, let’s try to combat this.  Here are some thoughts to get you going:

How many times a day do I respond to my child with HUMOR?

How many times a day do I SMILE at my child and either give my child a hug, a pat on the back or HOLD my small child?

How many times a day do I let something that is not the essential part of our family life slide?  (In other words, do I know what the essential is in our family?  See the post on writing a family mission statement for help here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/ ).  This is just about choosing battles.  You cannot save your big reactions for the big things if every single thing is  a big thing!

How many times a day do I sit down and have some FUN with my kids?  Do we ever play a game, read together, sing together or make music together, roller skate together, look at stars or something in nature together?

Look for these things this week; you will be a better mother because of it!

Change your thoughts and attitude and change the tone in your household.

Peace,

Carrie