Parenting the “High-Needs” Older Child

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This post is one that has been hard to write, as there are many varying perspectives out there.  Typically one reads something along the lines of, yes, there are children who have “difficult”  behaviors, but if Mother and Father just get through it, the child will grow up to be a wonderful person.

Sometimes it seems these authors never really had a child with “difficult” behaviors to be gotten through for years on end, right?? 

I am talking in this post about children who are essentially within normal development, not children who have been diagnosed with ADHD, sensory processing disorders or autism spectrum disorders. 

I have a few things that I have found to be helpful with my own “higher-needs, intense child”, not in any special order:

1.  Get rid of that label. When I first was a parent, I thought “high-needs” was wonderful…..Now  I think this label serves its purpose when the child may be in infancy so you don’t feel as if you are going insane, but really as the child grows, I think it is better to just accept where they are and what things are more challenging for them than labeling it.   Every child brings challenges and things that need balancing and guidance and I think that can be easy to lose sight of if you consider  your child “hard” and everyone else’s child “easy”. 

I have also heard too many parents refer to their “higher-needs” child with the child standing right there!  The child truly does understand this, and even if you think this is a nice way of saying “difficult”, the child translates it as such and feels something less than positive about themselves!  Stop it!  Stop telling the horror stories of your child’s infancy if your child is there, and even see if you can re-frame those thoughts in your head before they come out of your mouth.   How about these instead:  “We got through together the best we knew at the time.”  “We did a great job in that situation.”  “There were positive moments.”  

Positive thoughts equal positive parenting, which is often exactly what this little person needs and longs for because sometimes these children are not the first to look on the sunny side!

Secondly, think about the fact that human development takes a LONG time and that three, four and five and even six  is still little, is a period overall of rapid growth and often disequilibrium, and that in many cultures the child is perceived as  not really having a set personality from infancy onward the way we look at this in the  United States.  Ask yourself, how would I be treating my child if I thought this “higher needs”  was not so ingrained within them?  Would I be able to be calmer and patient because I was guiding them, teaching them?  Maybe not, but interesting food for thought.  Your child may be a much, much different person at 7 or 8 than even at 4,  5 or 6.  Seriously!

2.  Stop drawing individual attention to that child’s behavior as much as possible, and accentuate the positive as much as possible. Less words for judging (because even saying, “Gosh, you are feeling aggressive today!” or “You are  being so persistent” is judging in my book.  Why go there?).  Try meditating over your child while they sleep, try warm hugs and smiles, try really looking at the positive with your own warmth toward the child and finding the humor.  Humor can diffuse a lot.

3.. Understand normal developmental stages and what works best – less words and don’t reason,   more movement, more play, more imagination, more humor. 

4.  Be ready to accept your child’s behavior, pull back and be okay with that.  This can be a real challenge for the adult, and I have been there.  It was a challenge for me.    So your three-year-old doesn’t do well at playgroups, so what?  It used to be a child really didn’t have any play dates until they were over four and a half or so – maybe there was wisdom in that!    It used to be small children were mainly at home with siblings and not off to gymnastics and art and museums and such.  If your child doesn’t do groups well, look at it not as a character flaw, but normal development!  It is really okay, and again, unless your child has been diagnosed with some sort of autism spectrum, it is likely to change as they grow. 

5. Be calm and be patient.  Try to understand things from your child’s point of view, and let your RHYTHM carry things. Have some limits that just include what you do, “We will play after lunch.”  “We wash our hands after going to the bathroom.”  We works really well.

6.  Be aware of any reflux, food allergies or things within the environment that your child is sensitive to that triggers things not going well.

7.  Make sure this child is getting enough rest and sleep.  That is an absolute cornerstone of rhythm.   

8.  Are you feeling positive and centered? C’mon y’all, you knew I was going to say that one!  Work on your own stuff so you can be what this child needs.  Guard your words and your thoughts toward the positive and away from the negative. 

Most importantly, FORGIVE YOURSELF.  You are a wonderful mother, you are working hard, you wouldn’t be thinking and worried about this otherwise!  Give yourself a break!  Love yourself and use that as a model for how you can love and forgive your child!

9.  It is okay to help your child play.  Children under the age of 7 are in the height of the imitative phase, and may NOT be able to come up with what to play out of their heads.  It is okay to help them out – set up play scenes, give them ideas (“I am the old woman of the villager who is washing dishes and you are coming to my village on  a train!  Here is a train cap and train whistle!”)  Invite them to help you with practical work.  Tell them stories and things that may spur their play.  Your oldest child might really need this help, your younger ones will have the older one to imitate.

10.  Try to spend some time alone with this child every day in a positive way.  Whether this is just curled up together reading a book, tossing a ball, rolling around on the floor, just be together. The more you are together in positive ways  the more  you can love each other.

11. Again, this post was not geared toward children who have been diagnosed with something specific, but if you think your child is having issues with anger, or processing sounds or textures, or whatever, get help.  Don’t wait!  Trust your gut instinct because you are the expert on your child,  you know your child best, and you are the advocate for your child!

Peace and cyber – hugs,

Carrie

Some Quick Ideas for September for the Waldorf Kindergarten Crowd

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Here are some fast ideas for September for the Waldorf  Kindergarten crowd:

Have some verses or songs to call your child to a circle/fingerplay time:  Come, Follow, Follow is a classic one that comes to mind along with this easy verse (that seems to have a few variations out there, so don’t fret if this is not the version you know!):

Good morning Dear Earth,

Good morning Dear Sun,

Good morning Dear Trees and Stones every one,

Good morning Dear Beasts and Birds in the Tree

Good morning to You and Good Morning to me!

What songs will you be bringing to your child for the whole month of September?  You can bring the same songs for a month!  I like to base our songs of the month around what festivals are upcoming.  There are many wonderful pentatonic Michaelmas songs one can play on a recorder, Choroi flute or pennywhistle.  Classics include “A Knight and  A Lady”,   This is a great chance for  you to practice learning your own blowing instrument so you will be able to teach your child in first grade!

Choose some fingerplays or plan out a whole circle time with songs and verses if your family likes circle time.  Common circle time themes for September, at least in the United States, include squirrels and other little forest creatures getting ready for Winter, harvesting,  apple picking and apples, leaves and changing of the colors of leaves, ponies going to and from the harvest and pulling carts of the harvest.  Fingerplays can include such things as counting, colors, shapes.   

You may want to go into your  practical work for the day here, or you may want to sing a song and transition into a fairy tale.  For a three or four year old, this would be either a very repetitive, simple tale or a nature tale.   www.mainlesson.com has a number of wonderful tales.  For a five or six year old, you could start getting into the Grimm’s fairy tales.  Fairy tales that have repetitive phrases or songs are usually attention-getters and pleasers.  The book “Let Us Form A Ring” has some tunes set for some of the Grimm’s fairy tales, along with “pre-made” circle times and a few stories that include music in the back of the book.  For example, the story “The Pancake Mill”is in this book, complete with music and that would be a lovely fall story.  What props, puppets or craft items will you need to complete this experience for your child?  Do you have a song or verse to transition into a time of listening and sharing your told story?

Next, what practical work will you be doing?  Housekeeping, wet on wet watercolor painting, baking, gardening, arts and crafts?  Again, for September in the United States much can center around apples, the star inside an apple, baking and cooking with apples, apple drying, the changing of the seasons so perhaps leaf painting, rubbing, leaf banners, dipping leaves into glycerin wax to make a leaf banner, making little figures out of pinecones, collecting things from outside and making little “carpets’ with them on the ground……Just as a note, six year olds need longer and more complex projects than a three-year old! Think a bit on it!

Work in your outside time, creative inside play time (what can you add to your indoor space for fall, what will change, what play scenes will you arrange),  preparations for the time of Michaelmas if you celebrate that festival and wa-la!  A very loving Waldorf Kindergarten in your own home!

You also need a simple closing verse!  Don’t let your school time just fade away into nothing!  Close it up, and be satisfied at a job well-done!

There is a lot more to say on this subject, but that literally is a very fast skeleton to plan from for a small child. 

Many Blessings,

Carrie

Getting Good Fats Into Kids

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Infants and children who are breastfed get their first source of good fats through human milk.  According to  Lawrence and Lawrence’s “Breastfeeding:  A Guide for the Medical Profession”, children who were breastfed show “more advanced development” at not only 1 year, but 8 to 10 years and at 18 years.  During the first year of life the brain more than doubles in weight with 85 percent of this growth in the cerebrum; 50 to 60 percent of this is lipids.

Much of this has been attributed to fatty acid and lipid components and has led to supplementation of formula with cholesterol (human milk is full of cholesterol and artificial baby milk typically has little to no cholesterol) and DHA.  Lawrence and Lawrence point out, “These compounds function in a milieu of arachidonic acid, lipases, and other enzymes, and no evidence indicates that they are effective in isolation or that more is better.”

We know cholesterol is important for cell membrane function and that infants who are breastfed have higher cholesterol levels than formula-fed infants.  Animal studies suggest this may protect against high cholesterol later in life.  We also know that in breastfeeding, the amount of fat delivered is not static and adjusts to the baby for a customized fat and calorie milk.

As children grow, we know that foods that contain essential fatty acids remain important – sources of these include fish, flax oil, seeds, nuts and nut butters, olive oil, avocado, hummus and wheat germ all provide good fats according to Dr. William Sears’ “The Family Nutrition Book.”  Obviously, eating too much fat regardless of the type of fat can cause obesity, but I find parents are mainly interested in replacing the “junk food” fats with “good fats”.

Some of my favorite good fats include coconut oil and avocado.  Coconut  butter/oil  got a very, very bad rap for year, but it is now known that the medium-chain fatty acids in coconut milk are an energy source and that coconut has powerful antibacterial and antiviral properties.  Coconut water, while not high in fatty acids per se, is high in Vitamin C, B vitamins, proteins and electrolytes.  Coconut milk is now being used in the United States to make coconut milk yogurt (very good in smoothies!), coconut milk that is sold in a carton just like bovine milk (great for folks with dairy allergies) and of course our friend the young Thai coconut (the white ones with the pointed tops) are more and more readily available.

Smoothies are a great way to get coconut water, meat or milk into your kids.  Coconut meat, water, lime juice, vanilla and a little sweetner can make an excellent smoothie for a snack.  My personal favorite involves coconut milk/yogurt mixed with frozen mango, some honey and banana.  Yum!

Avocado is another great source of fatty acids, and this can be made into a pudding by mixing it with cocoa powder,sweetner, vanilla, and coconut meat and water.

Happy eating,

Carrie

Breastfeeding, Pregnancy, Fish Oil Supplementation and Infant Allergies

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(THE DISCLAIMER:  I am not telling anyone to take ANYTHING, any supplement, but looking at these studies has been interesting and may give you fuel to want to look on your own and speak to your health care provider regarding these studies.  There are many more studies coming out on this subject that you can search on the website PubMed, which has abstracts of medical journal studies). 

Here is something of interest I have been reading lately (yes, I love to read medical journal abstracts in my free time, don’t laugh).  Anyway, on the topic of human milk feeding, fish oil supplementation and infant allergies here is one study I just found:

This was published out of Sweden, I believe  in their pediatric journal June 1, 2009  (I found the abstract on PubMed):

Aim: To describe the effects of maternal omega-3 long-chain PUFA supplementation during pregnancy and lactation on the incidence of allergic disease in infancy. Methods: One hundred and forty-five pregnant women, affected by allergy themselves or having a husband or previous child with allergies, were included in a randomized placebo-controlled trial. Daily maternal supplementation with either 1.6 g eicosapentaenoic acid and 1.1 g docosahexaenoic acid or placebo was given from the 25(th) gestational week to average 3-4 months of breastfeeding. Skin prick tests, detection of circulating specific immunoglobulin E (IgE) antibodies and clinical examinations of the infants were performed. Results: The period prevalence of food allergy was lower in the omega-3 group (1/52, 2%) compared to the placebo group (10/65, 15%, p < 0.05) as well as the incidence of IgE-associated eczema (omega-3 group: 4/52, 8%; placebo group: 15/63, 24%, p < 0.05). Conclusion: Maternal omega-3 fatty acid supplementation may decrease the risk of food allergy and IgE-associated eczema during the first year of life in infants with a family history of allergic disease.

PMID: 19489765 [PubMed – as supplied by publisher]

This is not a huge study group (140 mothers), and this study is just one of the studies that are coming out on this topic.  You may consider doing your own PubMed search, and also talking to your health care providers regarding some of these studies.  I, of course, am not telling anyone to take or not take ANYTHING, I just thought these studies were interesting enough to share a bit.

I saw one study regarding how the introduction of eating fish itself seemed to be protective against atopic dermatitis (and again, I think this study came out of either Norway or Sweden).  Over here in the United States, fish is typically considered one of those foods mothers are advised to wait to start due to high allergic reaction and incidence.  Any of my Scandinavian readers, I would love to hear your thoughts regarding introduction of fish and allergy incidences in your country!

Carrie

Foundations For A Healthy Childhood

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Waldorf education is all about health; the health of the child and where that child is today and where that child will be in the future.  I urge you to go and listen to this FREE audio download regarding Waldorf as a Therapeutic Education if you have not discovered it  already, here is the link:   http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/audio-downloads.html   This talk has a playtime of about 67 minutes so you can plan accordingly.

As you are planning for fall for the big and the small kids, let’s take a moment to remember some of the essentials for  a healthy childhood:

  • Happy parents comes to mind first.  Your work on your marriage or partnership, your own inner work is of utmost importance.  I know I keep saying it over and over, but it is so important.   Your child only starts to separate from you beginning at age 9, and views themselves as part of you.  If you are unhappy, not joyous in the home, unhappy in parenting, then please take the time to meditate, pray, talk to a counselor or whatever you need to do to get yourself centered and peaceful and joyous.   I hear from parents all day long who truly seem to be miserable being home.  This is why many families evaluate their decision to homeschool their children year-by-year, child-by-child.  No, I do not believe sending a child to school gives one more time “to work on oneself” or fixes the problem typically.  I have heard some parents say the worse thing they ever did was send their child to school for a year and then try to come back to homeschooling (and other children and families seem to handle this fine!!).    However, the recognition that there are things going within the family and the family dynamic is of utmost importance.
  • Within your planning of your rhythm for fall, please do plan in some time just for you.  I  am not one of those people who believes that one needs to be away from one’s children to be fulfilled or recharged, but some people do need that and I respect that, and I do think many mothers are very guilty of not scheduling appointments for their own teeth, their own physicals, time with their spouse or partner which does lead to problems later on.  These are things that also have to happen.  Make them happen, and you won’t be sorry!
  • RHYTHM.  Children who are high-needs, children who have sensory processing disorders and other challenges often actually need a bit of a tighter rhythm than others.  A rhythm should not be a stranglehold schedule, but it should provide a flow to the day.  Younger children may have a rhythm that includes different practical work or activities each day, while older children may work within a head-heart-hands approach where some of the same activities are repeated over a block of time more than once a week (otherwise it would be hard for them to complete any projects, wouldn’t it, if the child was only working on said project once a week!). 
  • Sleep and rest.  These are biggies.  All children who are not napping, and this includes the biggest children of them all, the adults, should have quiet time after lunch.  As a homeschooling parent, you will need this break.  And, if you cannot figure out why your four, five or six year old who is no longer napping cannot settle down during quiet time, I have to ask you:  What are YOU doing?  Are you laying down quietly and resting, or are you running around, on the computer, on the phone, doing chores?  If you lay down and rest, your children will imitate you!
  • Healthy diet.  In this day and age, there are so many food allergies, food sensitivities.  If your child is having behavioral issues, many parents have shared with me that the child’s diet needed adjusting in some way.  Perhaps an allergist, a homeopath or other health care provider can steer you in the right direction. 
  • Many folks believe that Waldorf for the Early Years involves children being able to totally entertain themselves, but I personally find in this age of the “restless child” that they need a rhythm and a play area set up to assist in this.  They may even need you to not be involved in play, but to at least give them a bit of an idea. “I am the elderly woman washing dishes, and you are the traveler coming to my village.”  They may need you to set up play scenarios at night after they have gone to bed, or to move the playroom around so the toys seem “brand new”.  Fostering creative play is very important, and there are ways that as adults we can help that process along.
  • Time in nature, nature games that use all senses, and gardening is very important.  Another thing to consider in your planning as this forms such an important basis of childhood. 

 

Cheers!

Carrie

Down and Out: The July Doldrums

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Last year, I remember a group of us in our Waldorf  homeschool group were going through the  July doldrums.  The kids were cranky, we mothers felt cranky, everyone seemed ready for a change of pace.

And although I thought it was a one-time engagement,  it seems to be back!! The July Doldrums are here again!  What is it about this month?!

Last year, I really felt it was because in the region of the US where I live, we were in a drought.  No rain equated to going to the pool every day and even with a strong rest time during the day, it seemed like one giant outbreath.

This year, we have had rain and I still  feel about the same way as last year.  Tired, hot, and cranky, LOL!  Is anyone else feeling this way?

The question becomes, of course, what to do about it?  Here are some of my random thoughts that I am trying out myself:

1.  Circle the wagons close to home so to speak and really limit going out.

2.  Work hard on getting back into a rhythm (if you have lost it). 

3.  Stick as closely as possible to rest times and bed times so everyone is getting enough rest.

4.  Go back to the basics of good diet, one step foods that require little processing to eat, if that  is something that has gone awry.

5.  Inner work for Mama!  Don’t slack off of meditation and prayer just because it is summer.

6.  Take some time out of the busy Summer and do something just for you – yes, you really can do this, and yes, it is  necessary.  Plan something, have your spouse or partner or a neighbor take the kids for a few hours and relax!

7.  Get inspired for the coming school year if you start in Fall like many of us in the US do.  Read,  mediate and pray, plan. 

8.  Get support from other like-minded mothers to give you a holding hand (or a kick in the pants) should you need it, LOL!

Let’s all get inspired for fall!

Much love,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”: Chapter 3 “Discipline, Not Punishment”

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This chapter talks about the differences between discipline and punishment.  Punishment means to hurt by causing physical, emotional or social pain whereas discipline means to teach. 

I like this quote:  “Punishment disconnects parent and child.  It also produces anger, resentment, retaliation, fear, submission or passive aggression in the child.  It produces  guilt, remorse, and inconsistency of action in the parent because no one likes to see their child suffer for very long.  Discipline, on the other hand, is respectful, caring, and gives attention to the relationship.  Discipline does not intentionally hurt.  Both sides are left feeling connected.”

I think this is a major point; in Waldorf parenting we talk about how if you start out thinking you versus child in your head that you have already lost.  The magical and sacred connection between a child and a caring adult is broken, and no good teaching or imitative example for the child to follow can come from that. 

This chapter also talks about the difference between praise and encouragement and how encouragement is what one gives another during the process, and how praise is given at the end of a project.  Praise is frequently a judgment of the child, and in a way a kind of bribe as the child must “earn” the praise by doing the “right” thing (which is judged by the parent).  Encouragement, on the other hand, is something you can give a child that is not doing well, a child who is making mistakes, a child who needs to feel accepted and capable. 

The author talks about “overindulgent children.”  She mentions in this quote:  “Overindulgent children are ones not embraced in love, caring, and  nurturing their feelings.  They are not picked up when they cry as babies and don’t have anyone to acknowledge their feelings or care about what they think as children.  They are undernourished in caring, love and attention, and over-nourished in consumer goods.”  The author goes on to paint a very specific picture of what a overindulged child looks like, and what an overindulgent parent looks like.    This involves the whole concept of boundaries, which is something that Donna Simmons of www.christopherushomeschool.org talks about with frequency. 

The reality is that parents and other family members do have needs, and it is okay to teach your child that other people have needs!  Setting limits can be for the safety, health and sanity of all family members. 

The author writes, “The essential component of setting limits is sometimes we have to say “no” to our child’s request.  True discipline is not about making a child do what he is told, making a child come when called, or making a child keep his room clean.  It’s about helping him to be an interdependent person in charge of his future.  It’s about raising him to respect other people and to be responsible and caring also to himself.” 

She goes on to write, “Somehow, we expect our children to accept our “no” with pleasantness and  politeness, which is pretty  unrealistic when we can’t even muster that as adults!  The key is to stay calm after you say “no”.  You are dealing with a child’s anger.  You’re modeling self-control and self-discipline and that will go a long way in teaching a child to handle theirs.”

Children are  often verbally corrected many times a day, and the author points out that “no” can lose its impact.  Save your “no” for the big things, and let your rhythm carry the day.  Save your “no” for the things your family has decided is important in your family mission statement. 

Till next time,

Carrie

More On Marriage: How Do You Work With The Differences?

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Many mothers complain that their husbands are so lazy and so incompetent (which, to be fair, seems many times to be true!) but then these same mothers also wonder why their children are disrespectful to both parents.  Whew.  Many mothers also seem disappointed in their sons,  and what they perceive as such large differences between sons and daughters where the daughters seem more well-mannered/more intelligent/ etc than their sons.    Sometimes the differences between genders seems almost insurmountable in the home!  Small children are absorbing these impressions, how we talk to one another, the non-verbal communication, and really do understand the heart of how we feel in our own homes about one another.

Let’s tackle first things first.   Have you all noticed that many men do seem to be rather confused as to what their role is in this day and age?  It seems as if many of them wonder should their role be to work and make money or should it be to be sensitive and loving and able to care for the children?  Some men do seem to handle these roles well, but some do not……  Or is it that none of the roles “fit” and Dad ends up  just unhappy (and then it seems that some  Dads try to escape their own unhappiness through addictive or controlling  behaviors).  In this way, Dad is clearly not the head of the household in any way, shape or form and almost removes himself from family life.  It is Mom holding everything together.

Let me be clear, I am not condoning addictive behavior.  I am not condoning spouses who verbally or physically abuse their wives or children.  I am not writing this to make those who are going through a separation or  divorce feel guilty.  And although I did mention addiction issues above, really I am talking in this post  more about “normal” marriages where things are not going quite as well as one wishes.

To start with, let’s call a spade a spade.  A man is not a woman, and if woman expect a man to behave as a woman that is not understanding the differences!   Besides the obvious differences in physical appearance, weight, weight of the brain, ways the brain works, there are obvious social differences between men and women.  In my church, we have been doing a study of a biblical marriage based on the movie “Fireproof” (Has anyone seen that movie??).   According to my pastor, there was a study done through Harvard University that cited a man speaks, on average, 10, 000 words a day.  A woman speaks, on average, 25, 000 words a day.  (So, in my mind, a man has probably used up many of his words at work before he even comes home, LOL).  A different study cited that women stated they felt having at least a half an hour to forty-five minutes to talk with their partner was ideal.  Men felt about 10 to 15 minutes – a WEEK!- would be sufficient.  So there are some obvious differences!    However, perhaps there are ways to talk with your spouse or partner and at least come to an understanding of what each of you needs to be happy.

What does one do when Dad is not acting as the head of what is going on in the family?  I talk a lot on this blog of how many times the tone of the home needs to begin with the mother, how we are the light of the family, how we set a peaceful tone, how we model what is to be done with the children, etc.  But the truth is that there are two of us involved in making a baby, and there are two of us involved in parenting and two different perspectives to consider.  Mothers often get very upset when fathers do not do things the way they do, but are we the same people? No, of course not, so why would we do things the same way?   Have we shut Dad out by not letting him do anything because it is not “right”?  Have we belittled his efforts in front of our children? 

And what do we do when Dad is not really  participating in household life at all?  (And again, this is NOT about Dads who are fighting addiction issues.  This is more about the normal ups and downs of marriage that we all go through).

I wonder several things:

  • I wonder if mothers can meditate and clarify what they specifically need from their husbands and can these mothers make a specific request that would be responded to by their husbands?  Not just the whole “everything is terrible” but something small and specific to start.
  • Secondly, I wonder about what the husbands need and how those needs are being met in the home.  Men very frequently operate based upon a code of respect.  Is the home a place of nagging, a place where things are falling apart, a place where the man is not the champion of the home?  What would happen if the husband was treated as if he was the champion of the home and respected?  Would that change anything at all (it might not, I am just throwing it out there).   What can you do this week to make your husband feel respected in his own home? 
  • Third, I wonder about family mission statements.  Have you all sat down and figured out a mission statement for your family – which would include what is important to ALL of you.  There is a popular post on this blog regarding writing a mission statement for your family here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/
  • Many times counseling is extremely important for getting through the stage where you are both stuck because otherwise the same patterns play over and over and over.  One type of counseling  I am aware of  is this one: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/ called Imago Therapy. 
  • I also wonder if the man has any physical things going on that is impacting his health, his mental health.  What kind of friends does he have?  Does he have any strong models for fathering at all?
  • I wonder if  resentment is taking over in a marriage, can one start just by loving one’s spouse (again, NOT talking about abusive or addictive situations here!).  There is a very old saying that love is a verb.  Sometimes we don’t feel “loving” but as we do actions that show love and respect for the other person, then that “feeling” starts to grow again. 

Fathers do need to re-claim their place within the home.  It is important for a wife to show her husband respect, but it is equally important for a husband and father to show not only respect to his wife, but love.  It is important for a husband to create  a space where his wife feels safe.  Is this happening for you, what would this look like for you and what would you need to make this happen?

One small example I can think of this is where many fathers I have seen  will take their children aside when they are being disrespectful to  their mothers and simply say, “ I cannot and will not have you speak in that manner to the woman I love.”  This carries powerful weight to a child and suggests to the child the importance of this sacred marital relationship. 

My husband has said to me that there are no perfect wives and no perfect husbands (and therefore no perfect marriages!).  However, I hope that if you are at the point of resentment in your marriage, you could both go to counseling, you could both talk, you could both love and forgive each other through this and re-build on your marriage off the foundation that already exists  (and again, this is NOT to make those who are going through or who have gone through a separation and/or divorce feel guilty!).  So many important and wonderful things exist in this sacred marital union that cannot be fulfilled other places – the physical intimacy that is truly emotional intimacy, the communication and partnership that exists between two people committed for the family – it is worth fighting for, isn’t it? It is worth some effort, and it takes some effort, outside of parenting and homeschooling to make this happen. 

Marriage is a powerful and sacred connection.  All of us want to be loved for a lifetime, and I hope in the “busy-ness” of parenting and homeschooling, that both husbands and wives can stop and cherish the wonderful partnership that they  have together.

Much love,

Carrie

Sibling Rivalry and Fighting: How Much to Intervene

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Many parents have the question of if my children are fighting, how much do we step in and intervene?  Many parents have the attitude that the children need to “work it out.”

I think children who are under the age of 7 often do not have the skills to “work it out.”  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.   Sometimes it will be “worked out” mainly to the satisfaction of the older child, which can be okay if the younger child is happy (and you are not judging whether or not the solution is “fair” from an adult perspective!).  However, please do remember that ages  4 and 6 are especially bossy, aggressive ages for many children and leaving them to “work it out” without your physical presence and perhaps some guidelines often leads to some sort of physical altercation with someone in tears.

To me, when small children fight, it may mean that they need you to hold a stronger presence around them.  They may need you to say, Oh, I need help in chopping these vegetables for dinner or Oh, I need your help in planting seeds or whathave you.  It may mean you need to go and look back at how present you are, and also where your rhythm and the place of very physical, outside time is within your rhythm. 

Being a listening ear with loving arms can go a long way toward soothing strong emotions and tears even without providing much of a solution.  Just having an adult understand how upsetting a situation can be is helpful.  You really don’t need a lot of words, just a calm presence

I like the positively-phrased aspect of working with two small children regarding conflict resolution:   “We share” or “You may have a turn when your sister is done”, but the truth of the matter is that you  also need to be right there to help the children follow-through.  Some children really do need to hear an adult count out the length of a turn so the turns are “fair.”

Fairness can be a big deal, but it also should be understood over time by children that fair is not always equal and different members of the family have different needs.  I truly believe that when you have children over the age of 7 and also children under the age of 7, setting rites of passages helps immensely because the younger children can see that certain things happen when one is 6 or 7 or 8 that do not happen before.  A two-year-old and a six-year-old are at different development stages and should be treated as such.

Conflict between siblings will probably never stop, and to frame it more positively this is the first place where children really learn about dealing with another person, how to deal with conflict, the concepts of fairness, equality, how to deal with jealousy and other strong emotions.  It can be hard, but it can be a time of extreme growth.

Many mothers attempt to instill the notion of the older as the protector and caretaker of the younger sibling as a way to defuse argument.  I agree with this to a certain extent, and have seen this work successfully within many families, but I think we also need to be careful to understand that a six or seven or eight year old can really take this concept and run with it to the point of being incredibly bossy and demanding of the younger child in the guise of being the “Mommy” or “Daddy” figure if Mommy and Daddy are not right there.  I think we also have to be careful not to push our oldest daughters into the position of feeling as if they are raising children or doing much of mother’s work.

Your oldest child also has needs, and with homeschooling, I feel many times those older over 7 and 8 year old children do need a few social outlets with children mainly of their own age since they may be spending a lot of time at home with younger siblings.  I know this could be an extreme source of controversy, and not every parent feels this way, but I have certainly noticed my oldest daughter appreciates things here and there that involve mainly her own age group and being  a part of that.  As a child heads toward the nine-year-change and beyond, building a sense of trusted community outside of the immediate nuclear family in limited doses can become important. 

Of course, siblings and the close intimacy of the family are the most important relationships your child can experience in many ways.  To me, siblings is one of the greatest gifts I feel you can give your child!

All family members treating one another with respect, courtesy and having a peaceful household is so important in setting the stage for how we treat those outside of our family.  Let us be as kind to one another in our home as we would be to strangers requiring our help.  What a wonderful model for our children!

Blessings today,

Carrie

Carrie

Carrie’s Laws of Childhood

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7

I am sure many of you have read Dr. Helmut von Kugelgen ‘s famous article “The Laws of Childhood”, published in the WECAN publication “The Developing Child:  The First Seven Years:  The Gateways Series Three” .  It is an excellent article and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  It really got me thinking about  my own “laws of childhood” or “Truths in Parenting for the Under 7 child”.  Lots of fun.

1.  You must start with yourself.  If you are not happy, if you are not joyous, if you are finding the transition to mothering difficult, then get some inspiration and some support for you.  Make some time for you as well.  If you need professional help for your own baggage, for depression, for a physical ailment, for your marriage – get it!  Your children are relying on you,  on finding a centered and peaceful you, and you can do this!

2.  Get connected and stay connected with your child.  Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing are all  important  tools to do  this, as are consistent and loving, gentle limits as your child grows.  Get clear about gentle discipline:  what it is and what it isn’t.  I do not advise “time-out” for any small child at all (and we won’t even mention other so-called discipline tactics such as hitting, spanking, yelling, verbal abuse, sarcasm, etc.)  Also, watch your words like the pearls they are!  Have positive things to say about your small child and their temperament!  Build up the positive image of them in your head, and all their capabilities and wonderful traits!

3.Development takes a long time, and infants and small children are not miniature adults.  Do not rush developmental phases.  If you do everything before they are 7, what is there to look forward to?  Keep asking yourself, is this activity or  this information for a four-year-old, a six-year-old or a ten-year old?

4.  Protect your child’s childhood!  Keep things light and use lots of creative humor; protect their 12 senses, keep them from being over-stimulated.  The most important thing the under-7 child experiences is NOT field trips, or vacations to exotic places or early learning, but being home and learning how to be a rhythmical being.  Which leads us to……

5.  It is part of your job to set limits and a flow to things, ESPECIALLY if you have a high-needs child who by definition needs help in this area.  It is okay to set a general flow, and it is very important that this flow includes ample time for rest and sleep and plenty of physical activity outdoors.

6.  It is also your job to foster your child’s feeling that the world is beautiful, and that there is something Higher Than Man.  Check your adult religious baggage at the door and do not dump it on your children!  Explore your own path, you are a spiritual being on a spiritual journey just like your child! 

7. If you are in a committed relationship, keep working on that relationship.  You are modeling adult relationships for your child who is soaking all of these impressions in.  Your child is not a replacement for the intimacy of your spouse or partner.  Check out what communication patterns you and your partner are using and modeling for your children to see.

8.  Work with your small child out of your sense of their need for rhythm, less stimulation, imitation, movement, imaginative play, and quit talking to them out of your head and dumping explanation upon explanation on top of them!  This sounds harsh, but please receive it in the spirit of love with which I intend it:  I can tell you your child does not honestly care about all the explanations that you are providing and many times are puzzled, but they just learn this question and explanation game  is a lovely verbal game to play and  a way to get attention from their parents who communicate this way!

9.  Help your child to play, and show them what real work looks like!  Learn something to show them that you can do with your hands!  Bake, knit, sew, paint, fix things, clean!  There are posts on this blog regarding the fostering of creative play, and look for some more coming up!

10.  Spark your child’s soul through music, finger plays, rhymes and verses, festival celebrations, snuggling together, special warming foods, outside time in nature to be free, the telling of  stories and fairy tales.  This can be hard work for many of us who have forgotten these things or never had these things from our own childhood, but it is worth recapturing!

Catch the joy of childhood,

Carrie