Category Archives: Family Life

The Habit of Happiness

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To me, happiness is a habit.  Happiness is not something that comes from external sources – ie, the whole “this made me happy today” and “this made me sad” and “this made me angry”.  Yes, things happen and we sometimes feel happy, sad or angry as a first reaction – but with time and practice, we can learn to modify our inner landscape and choose how to react, help rid ourselves of stress, worry and anxiety and put in its place a sense of peace instead.  Peace, to me, is the Real Deal of Happiness.  Peace is that inner quality that occurs no matter what the circumstances of life surround you.

The way to this path is to choose to be happy and peaceful as your journey, as a conscious step every day, and not just viewing happiness as this elusive goal.  Here are some thoughts for how to do this:

1.  Practice basic meditation – Steiner has some great exercises for anthroposophical inner work and if you go here you will find the inner work of the day posted:  http://www.rsarchive.org/

2.  Do your best to not model worry, anxiety and guilt for your family members.  I would venture to say that many of us have worried, anxious and guilty thought patterns because this is what was modeled to us as children.  It is an easy thing to pass on to the next generation.

3.  Limit your hurrying:  being hurried and overscheduled can lead quickly to feeling overwhelmed, guilt-ridden and anxiety-ridden.  As homeschoolers, many of us could be so booked with activities we could be out of the house every day, morning, afternoon, and night.  Pick and choose and realize  that homeschooling can be about, and should be about, being in your home.

4.  Religious practices can provide peace – easy to knock it until you try it and create a practice.  Many people are very cynical regarding organized religion, but I urge you to investigate this if this is a stumbling block for you.  Find the religious path that works for you and work at it.  Certain faiths, such as the Catholic faith and the Episcopal faith, have a “Daily Office” where prayers are said at certain times of the day – this can be a very grounding experience to help you focus your attention off of yourself and onto something higher.  To my Orthodox readers, does this also exist in the Orthodox Church as well?

5. Exercise.  Walk, bike, swim, take the time to go to the gym if you have the financial luxury to be able to afford a gym, walk on some nature trails, do some yoga.  Make this a priority for yourself and for your children.  This is very important for dealing with depression and anxiety, and to help feel more  peaceful. 

6.  Re-frame how you look at  things, and how you say things.  Watch your words like the pearls you are, because the words you say are the reality for your children.

7.  Forge as close and intimate a relationship as you can with your spouse or partner.  Your children are NOT a substitute for the intimacy you should be experiencing with your adult partner, and your children will be better for it to see this wonderful, healthy relationship between two adults who can laugh and have fun together.  Having this relationship as a bedrock in your life will provide you with peace!

I think creating a habit of happiness for your inner work is this coming school year is very important.  I hear so many mothers who tell me up and down how fortunate they are to be able to be home during this economy, how they like being a stay-at-home mother but yet all they do is complain about their husbands, their homes, their weight and body image, their children’s behavior and themselves. 

Stop complaining; choose peace and happiness instead.  Start with yourself in small steps and model this for your spouse and your children; you may be surprised with the wonderful results!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Sexual Education for Children Under the Age of 7

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I have myself  received and seen many questions on other on-line forums and discussion groups regarding sexual education for the child under the age of 7.  Children are very curious about their bodies, about other children’s bodies and yes, about sex.  This especially occurs at age four and again at age 6.

I have no problem calling a vagina a vagina or a penis a penis or talking about how boys and girls are different.  I personally am very grateful our Creator made us different!

However, when a six year old starts asking direct and specific questions regarding  how a sperm gets into an egg or how “males and females mate” or something very direct along those lines, I have a few thoughts.

From an anthroposophical perspective, the child is a spiritual being on a spiritual journey.   We address the under-7 child with these questions the same way we address other questions children under-7 child asks.  We provide pictorial imagery through fairy tales (think of the number of fairy tales where a baby just “shows up” after the parents wish for a baby- Thumbelina comes to mind, the Polish tale of The Hedgehog Prince and many, many of the Grimm’s tales).   These really point to the spiritual longing for a child to be a part of the family and I  think is a lovely thing not to bring in right the moment a child asks a pointed question, but at bedtime or at other times since you know this is on your child’s mind!  (Yes, nothing like asking a pointed question that like in line at the grocery store and you launching into a repetitive version of The Hedgehog Prince right then and there, LOL). 

Nature tales, not pointed factoid nature tales of animals mating, but of animals creating a family and a space for new life also come to mind.  Looking for animal babies on nature walks, looking for baby birds in nests, rejoicing at all the new life about and around is an important part of establishing reverence for

Some families answer these types of questions from a religious or spiritual  perspective and say that God helped put the baby inside Mommy, or that the baby choose the Mommy and Daddy and big brother or sister and how lucky we all are!  Sometimes if you are just calm, warm and silent for a moment the child will provide their own answer to their very own question!  That is a special thing to be witness to!

You may say, well, if my child is asking a very direct and pointed question, isn’t it my job to answer that question?  Yes, but in an age appropriate way.  A six-year old is not ready to hear an intricate accounting of sexual intercourse and is at the height of sexual curiousity and  play, so  providing pictorial imagery that coincides with the wonder and beauty of new life is most appropriate.  The more factual (and often devoid of wonder and reverence) descriptions found in “child discovery” kinds of books can be kept for later as the child reaches greater depths of understanding and maturity than an under-7 child possesses.

Sometimes children ask us innocent questions and are not asking us to provide the factual answer we as adults think they are asking.  The point is not to pull them into their heads regarding all this, but to point out this journey of new life that is created by love.  Honor that, cherish that, nurture that, and provide the right information in the right way at the right time.

Blessings,

Carrie

Parenting the “High-Needs” Older Child

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This post is one that has been hard to write, as there are many varying perspectives out there.  Typically one reads something along the lines of, yes, there are children who have “difficult”  behaviors, but if Mother and Father just get through it, the child will grow up to be a wonderful person.

Sometimes it seems these authors never really had a child with “difficult” behaviors to be gotten through for years on end, right?? 

I am talking in this post about children who are essentially within normal development, not children who have been diagnosed with ADHD, sensory processing disorders or autism spectrum disorders. 

I have a few things that I have found to be helpful with my own “higher-needs, intense child”, not in any special order:

1.  Get rid of that label. When I first was a parent, I thought “high-needs” was wonderful…..Now  I think this label serves its purpose when the child may be in infancy so you don’t feel as if you are going insane, but really as the child grows, I think it is better to just accept where they are and what things are more challenging for them than labeling it.   Every child brings challenges and things that need balancing and guidance and I think that can be easy to lose sight of if you consider  your child “hard” and everyone else’s child “easy”. 

I have also heard too many parents refer to their “higher-needs” child with the child standing right there!  The child truly does understand this, and even if you think this is a nice way of saying “difficult”, the child translates it as such and feels something less than positive about themselves!  Stop it!  Stop telling the horror stories of your child’s infancy if your child is there, and even see if you can re-frame those thoughts in your head before they come out of your mouth.   How about these instead:  “We got through together the best we knew at the time.”  “We did a great job in that situation.”  “There were positive moments.”  

Positive thoughts equal positive parenting, which is often exactly what this little person needs and longs for because sometimes these children are not the first to look on the sunny side!

Secondly, think about the fact that human development takes a LONG time and that three, four and five and even six  is still little, is a period overall of rapid growth and often disequilibrium, and that in many cultures the child is perceived as  not really having a set personality from infancy onward the way we look at this in the  United States.  Ask yourself, how would I be treating my child if I thought this “higher needs”  was not so ingrained within them?  Would I be able to be calmer and patient because I was guiding them, teaching them?  Maybe not, but interesting food for thought.  Your child may be a much, much different person at 7 or 8 than even at 4,  5 or 6.  Seriously!

2.  Stop drawing individual attention to that child’s behavior as much as possible, and accentuate the positive as much as possible. Less words for judging (because even saying, “Gosh, you are feeling aggressive today!” or “You are  being so persistent” is judging in my book.  Why go there?).  Try meditating over your child while they sleep, try warm hugs and smiles, try really looking at the positive with your own warmth toward the child and finding the humor.  Humor can diffuse a lot.

3.. Understand normal developmental stages and what works best – less words and don’t reason,   more movement, more play, more imagination, more humor. 

4.  Be ready to accept your child’s behavior, pull back and be okay with that.  This can be a real challenge for the adult, and I have been there.  It was a challenge for me.    So your three-year-old doesn’t do well at playgroups, so what?  It used to be a child really didn’t have any play dates until they were over four and a half or so – maybe there was wisdom in that!    It used to be small children were mainly at home with siblings and not off to gymnastics and art and museums and such.  If your child doesn’t do groups well, look at it not as a character flaw, but normal development!  It is really okay, and again, unless your child has been diagnosed with some sort of autism spectrum, it is likely to change as they grow. 

5. Be calm and be patient.  Try to understand things from your child’s point of view, and let your RHYTHM carry things. Have some limits that just include what you do, “We will play after lunch.”  “We wash our hands after going to the bathroom.”  We works really well.

6.  Be aware of any reflux, food allergies or things within the environment that your child is sensitive to that triggers things not going well.

7.  Make sure this child is getting enough rest and sleep.  That is an absolute cornerstone of rhythm.   

8.  Are you feeling positive and centered? C’mon y’all, you knew I was going to say that one!  Work on your own stuff so you can be what this child needs.  Guard your words and your thoughts toward the positive and away from the negative. 

Most importantly, FORGIVE YOURSELF.  You are a wonderful mother, you are working hard, you wouldn’t be thinking and worried about this otherwise!  Give yourself a break!  Love yourself and use that as a model for how you can love and forgive your child!

9.  It is okay to help your child play.  Children under the age of 7 are in the height of the imitative phase, and may NOT be able to come up with what to play out of their heads.  It is okay to help them out – set up play scenes, give them ideas (“I am the old woman of the villager who is washing dishes and you are coming to my village on  a train!  Here is a train cap and train whistle!”)  Invite them to help you with practical work.  Tell them stories and things that may spur their play.  Your oldest child might really need this help, your younger ones will have the older one to imitate.

10.  Try to spend some time alone with this child every day in a positive way.  Whether this is just curled up together reading a book, tossing a ball, rolling around on the floor, just be together. The more you are together in positive ways  the more  you can love each other.

11. Again, this post was not geared toward children who have been diagnosed with something specific, but if you think your child is having issues with anger, or processing sounds or textures, or whatever, get help.  Don’t wait!  Trust your gut instinct because you are the expert on your child,  you know your child best, and you are the advocate for your child!

Peace and cyber – hugs,

Carrie

Some Quick Ideas for September for the Waldorf Kindergarten Crowd

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Here are some fast ideas for September for the Waldorf  Kindergarten crowd:

Have some verses or songs to call your child to a circle/fingerplay time:  Come, Follow, Follow is a classic one that comes to mind along with this easy verse (that seems to have a few variations out there, so don’t fret if this is not the version you know!):

Good morning Dear Earth,

Good morning Dear Sun,

Good morning Dear Trees and Stones every one,

Good morning Dear Beasts and Birds in the Tree

Good morning to You and Good Morning to me!

What songs will you be bringing to your child for the whole month of September?  You can bring the same songs for a month!  I like to base our songs of the month around what festivals are upcoming.  There are many wonderful pentatonic Michaelmas songs one can play on a recorder, Choroi flute or pennywhistle.  Classics include “A Knight and  A Lady”,   This is a great chance for  you to practice learning your own blowing instrument so you will be able to teach your child in first grade!

Choose some fingerplays or plan out a whole circle time with songs and verses if your family likes circle time.  Common circle time themes for September, at least in the United States, include squirrels and other little forest creatures getting ready for Winter, harvesting,  apple picking and apples, leaves and changing of the colors of leaves, ponies going to and from the harvest and pulling carts of the harvest.  Fingerplays can include such things as counting, colors, shapes.   

You may want to go into your  practical work for the day here, or you may want to sing a song and transition into a fairy tale.  For a three or four year old, this would be either a very repetitive, simple tale or a nature tale.   www.mainlesson.com has a number of wonderful tales.  For a five or six year old, you could start getting into the Grimm’s fairy tales.  Fairy tales that have repetitive phrases or songs are usually attention-getters and pleasers.  The book “Let Us Form A Ring” has some tunes set for some of the Grimm’s fairy tales, along with “pre-made” circle times and a few stories that include music in the back of the book.  For example, the story “The Pancake Mill”is in this book, complete with music and that would be a lovely fall story.  What props, puppets or craft items will you need to complete this experience for your child?  Do you have a song or verse to transition into a time of listening and sharing your told story?

Next, what practical work will you be doing?  Housekeeping, wet on wet watercolor painting, baking, gardening, arts and crafts?  Again, for September in the United States much can center around apples, the star inside an apple, baking and cooking with apples, apple drying, the changing of the seasons so perhaps leaf painting, rubbing, leaf banners, dipping leaves into glycerin wax to make a leaf banner, making little figures out of pinecones, collecting things from outside and making little “carpets’ with them on the ground……Just as a note, six year olds need longer and more complex projects than a three-year old! Think a bit on it!

Work in your outside time, creative inside play time (what can you add to your indoor space for fall, what will change, what play scenes will you arrange),  preparations for the time of Michaelmas if you celebrate that festival and wa-la!  A very loving Waldorf Kindergarten in your own home!

You also need a simple closing verse!  Don’t let your school time just fade away into nothing!  Close it up, and be satisfied at a job well-done!

There is a lot more to say on this subject, but that literally is a very fast skeleton to plan from for a small child. 

Many Blessings,

Carrie

Getting Good Fats Into Kids

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Infants and children who are breastfed get their first source of good fats through human milk.  According to  Lawrence and Lawrence’s “Breastfeeding:  A Guide for the Medical Profession”, children who were breastfed show “more advanced development” at not only 1 year, but 8 to 10 years and at 18 years.  During the first year of life the brain more than doubles in weight with 85 percent of this growth in the cerebrum; 50 to 60 percent of this is lipids.

Much of this has been attributed to fatty acid and lipid components and has led to supplementation of formula with cholesterol (human milk is full of cholesterol and artificial baby milk typically has little to no cholesterol) and DHA.  Lawrence and Lawrence point out, “These compounds function in a milieu of arachidonic acid, lipases, and other enzymes, and no evidence indicates that they are effective in isolation or that more is better.”

We know cholesterol is important for cell membrane function and that infants who are breastfed have higher cholesterol levels than formula-fed infants.  Animal studies suggest this may protect against high cholesterol later in life.  We also know that in breastfeeding, the amount of fat delivered is not static and adjusts to the baby for a customized fat and calorie milk.

As children grow, we know that foods that contain essential fatty acids remain important – sources of these include fish, flax oil, seeds, nuts and nut butters, olive oil, avocado, hummus and wheat germ all provide good fats according to Dr. William Sears’ “The Family Nutrition Book.”  Obviously, eating too much fat regardless of the type of fat can cause obesity, but I find parents are mainly interested in replacing the “junk food” fats with “good fats”.

Some of my favorite good fats include coconut oil and avocado.  Coconut  butter/oil  got a very, very bad rap for year, but it is now known that the medium-chain fatty acids in coconut milk are an energy source and that coconut has powerful antibacterial and antiviral properties.  Coconut water, while not high in fatty acids per se, is high in Vitamin C, B vitamins, proteins and electrolytes.  Coconut milk is now being used in the United States to make coconut milk yogurt (very good in smoothies!), coconut milk that is sold in a carton just like bovine milk (great for folks with dairy allergies) and of course our friend the young Thai coconut (the white ones with the pointed tops) are more and more readily available.

Smoothies are a great way to get coconut water, meat or milk into your kids.  Coconut meat, water, lime juice, vanilla and a little sweetner can make an excellent smoothie for a snack.  My personal favorite involves coconut milk/yogurt mixed with frozen mango, some honey and banana.  Yum!

Avocado is another great source of fatty acids, and this can be made into a pudding by mixing it with cocoa powder,sweetner, vanilla, and coconut meat and water.

Happy eating,

Carrie

Breastfeeding, Pregnancy, Fish Oil Supplementation and Infant Allergies

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(THE DISCLAIMER:  I am not telling anyone to take ANYTHING, any supplement, but looking at these studies has been interesting and may give you fuel to want to look on your own and speak to your health care provider regarding these studies.  There are many more studies coming out on this subject that you can search on the website PubMed, which has abstracts of medical journal studies). 

Here is something of interest I have been reading lately (yes, I love to read medical journal abstracts in my free time, don’t laugh).  Anyway, on the topic of human milk feeding, fish oil supplementation and infant allergies here is one study I just found:

This was published out of Sweden, I believe  in their pediatric journal June 1, 2009  (I found the abstract on PubMed):

Aim: To describe the effects of maternal omega-3 long-chain PUFA supplementation during pregnancy and lactation on the incidence of allergic disease in infancy. Methods: One hundred and forty-five pregnant women, affected by allergy themselves or having a husband or previous child with allergies, were included in a randomized placebo-controlled trial. Daily maternal supplementation with either 1.6 g eicosapentaenoic acid and 1.1 g docosahexaenoic acid or placebo was given from the 25(th) gestational week to average 3-4 months of breastfeeding. Skin prick tests, detection of circulating specific immunoglobulin E (IgE) antibodies and clinical examinations of the infants were performed. Results: The period prevalence of food allergy was lower in the omega-3 group (1/52, 2%) compared to the placebo group (10/65, 15%, p < 0.05) as well as the incidence of IgE-associated eczema (omega-3 group: 4/52, 8%; placebo group: 15/63, 24%, p < 0.05). Conclusion: Maternal omega-3 fatty acid supplementation may decrease the risk of food allergy and IgE-associated eczema during the first year of life in infants with a family history of allergic disease.

PMID: 19489765 [PubMed – as supplied by publisher]

This is not a huge study group (140 mothers), and this study is just one of the studies that are coming out on this topic.  You may consider doing your own PubMed search, and also talking to your health care providers regarding some of these studies.  I, of course, am not telling anyone to take or not take ANYTHING, I just thought these studies were interesting enough to share a bit.

I saw one study regarding how the introduction of eating fish itself seemed to be protective against atopic dermatitis (and again, I think this study came out of either Norway or Sweden).  Over here in the United States, fish is typically considered one of those foods mothers are advised to wait to start due to high allergic reaction and incidence.  Any of my Scandinavian readers, I would love to hear your thoughts regarding introduction of fish and allergy incidences in your country!

Carrie

Down and Out: The July Doldrums

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Last year, I remember a group of us in our Waldorf  homeschool group were going through the  July doldrums.  The kids were cranky, we mothers felt cranky, everyone seemed ready for a change of pace.

And although I thought it was a one-time engagement,  it seems to be back!! The July Doldrums are here again!  What is it about this month?!

Last year, I really felt it was because in the region of the US where I live, we were in a drought.  No rain equated to going to the pool every day and even with a strong rest time during the day, it seemed like one giant outbreath.

This year, we have had rain and I still  feel about the same way as last year.  Tired, hot, and cranky, LOL!  Is anyone else feeling this way?

The question becomes, of course, what to do about it?  Here are some of my random thoughts that I am trying out myself:

1.  Circle the wagons close to home so to speak and really limit going out.

2.  Work hard on getting back into a rhythm (if you have lost it). 

3.  Stick as closely as possible to rest times and bed times so everyone is getting enough rest.

4.  Go back to the basics of good diet, one step foods that require little processing to eat, if that  is something that has gone awry.

5.  Inner work for Mama!  Don’t slack off of meditation and prayer just because it is summer.

6.  Take some time out of the busy Summer and do something just for you – yes, you really can do this, and yes, it is  necessary.  Plan something, have your spouse or partner or a neighbor take the kids for a few hours and relax!

7.  Get inspired for the coming school year if you start in Fall like many of us in the US do.  Read,  mediate and pray, plan. 

8.  Get support from other like-minded mothers to give you a holding hand (or a kick in the pants) should you need it, LOL!

Let’s all get inspired for fall!

Much love,

Carrie

More On Marriage: How Do You Work With The Differences?

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Many mothers complain that their husbands are so lazy and so incompetent (which, to be fair, seems many times to be true!) but then these same mothers also wonder why their children are disrespectful to both parents.  Whew.  Many mothers also seem disappointed in their sons,  and what they perceive as such large differences between sons and daughters where the daughters seem more well-mannered/more intelligent/ etc than their sons.    Sometimes the differences between genders seems almost insurmountable in the home!  Small children are absorbing these impressions, how we talk to one another, the non-verbal communication, and really do understand the heart of how we feel in our own homes about one another.

Let’s tackle first things first.   Have you all noticed that many men do seem to be rather confused as to what their role is in this day and age?  It seems as if many of them wonder should their role be to work and make money or should it be to be sensitive and loving and able to care for the children?  Some men do seem to handle these roles well, but some do not……  Or is it that none of the roles “fit” and Dad ends up  just unhappy (and then it seems that some  Dads try to escape their own unhappiness through addictive or controlling  behaviors).  In this way, Dad is clearly not the head of the household in any way, shape or form and almost removes himself from family life.  It is Mom holding everything together.

Let me be clear, I am not condoning addictive behavior.  I am not condoning spouses who verbally or physically abuse their wives or children.  I am not writing this to make those who are going through a separation or  divorce feel guilty.  And although I did mention addiction issues above, really I am talking in this post  more about “normal” marriages where things are not going quite as well as one wishes.

To start with, let’s call a spade a spade.  A man is not a woman, and if woman expect a man to behave as a woman that is not understanding the differences!   Besides the obvious differences in physical appearance, weight, weight of the brain, ways the brain works, there are obvious social differences between men and women.  In my church, we have been doing a study of a biblical marriage based on the movie “Fireproof” (Has anyone seen that movie??).   According to my pastor, there was a study done through Harvard University that cited a man speaks, on average, 10, 000 words a day.  A woman speaks, on average, 25, 000 words a day.  (So, in my mind, a man has probably used up many of his words at work before he even comes home, LOL).  A different study cited that women stated they felt having at least a half an hour to forty-five minutes to talk with their partner was ideal.  Men felt about 10 to 15 minutes – a WEEK!- would be sufficient.  So there are some obvious differences!    However, perhaps there are ways to talk with your spouse or partner and at least come to an understanding of what each of you needs to be happy.

What does one do when Dad is not acting as the head of what is going on in the family?  I talk a lot on this blog of how many times the tone of the home needs to begin with the mother, how we are the light of the family, how we set a peaceful tone, how we model what is to be done with the children, etc.  But the truth is that there are two of us involved in making a baby, and there are two of us involved in parenting and two different perspectives to consider.  Mothers often get very upset when fathers do not do things the way they do, but are we the same people? No, of course not, so why would we do things the same way?   Have we shut Dad out by not letting him do anything because it is not “right”?  Have we belittled his efforts in front of our children? 

And what do we do when Dad is not really  participating in household life at all?  (And again, this is NOT about Dads who are fighting addiction issues.  This is more about the normal ups and downs of marriage that we all go through).

I wonder several things:

  • I wonder if mothers can meditate and clarify what they specifically need from their husbands and can these mothers make a specific request that would be responded to by their husbands?  Not just the whole “everything is terrible” but something small and specific to start.
  • Secondly, I wonder about what the husbands need and how those needs are being met in the home.  Men very frequently operate based upon a code of respect.  Is the home a place of nagging, a place where things are falling apart, a place where the man is not the champion of the home?  What would happen if the husband was treated as if he was the champion of the home and respected?  Would that change anything at all (it might not, I am just throwing it out there).   What can you do this week to make your husband feel respected in his own home? 
  • Third, I wonder about family mission statements.  Have you all sat down and figured out a mission statement for your family – which would include what is important to ALL of you.  There is a popular post on this blog regarding writing a mission statement for your family here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/
  • Many times counseling is extremely important for getting through the stage where you are both stuck because otherwise the same patterns play over and over and over.  One type of counseling  I am aware of  is this one: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/ called Imago Therapy. 
  • I also wonder if the man has any physical things going on that is impacting his health, his mental health.  What kind of friends does he have?  Does he have any strong models for fathering at all?
  • I wonder if  resentment is taking over in a marriage, can one start just by loving one’s spouse (again, NOT talking about abusive or addictive situations here!).  There is a very old saying that love is a verb.  Sometimes we don’t feel “loving” but as we do actions that show love and respect for the other person, then that “feeling” starts to grow again. 

Fathers do need to re-claim their place within the home.  It is important for a wife to show her husband respect, but it is equally important for a husband and father to show not only respect to his wife, but love.  It is important for a husband to create  a space where his wife feels safe.  Is this happening for you, what would this look like for you and what would you need to make this happen?

One small example I can think of this is where many fathers I have seen  will take their children aside when they are being disrespectful to  their mothers and simply say, “ I cannot and will not have you speak in that manner to the woman I love.”  This carries powerful weight to a child and suggests to the child the importance of this sacred marital relationship. 

My husband has said to me that there are no perfect wives and no perfect husbands (and therefore no perfect marriages!).  However, I hope that if you are at the point of resentment in your marriage, you could both go to counseling, you could both talk, you could both love and forgive each other through this and re-build on your marriage off the foundation that already exists  (and again, this is NOT to make those who are going through or who have gone through a separation and/or divorce feel guilty!).  So many important and wonderful things exist in this sacred marital union that cannot be fulfilled other places – the physical intimacy that is truly emotional intimacy, the communication and partnership that exists between two people committed for the family – it is worth fighting for, isn’t it? It is worth some effort, and it takes some effort, outside of parenting and homeschooling to make this happen. 

Marriage is a powerful and sacred connection.  All of us want to be loved for a lifetime, and I hope in the “busy-ness” of parenting and homeschooling, that both husbands and wives can stop and cherish the wonderful partnership that they  have together.

Much love,

Carrie

Sibling Rivalry and Fighting: How Much to Intervene

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Many parents have the question of if my children are fighting, how much do we step in and intervene?  Many parents have the attitude that the children need to “work it out.”

I think children who are under the age of 7 often do not have the skills to “work it out.”  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.   Sometimes it will be “worked out” mainly to the satisfaction of the older child, which can be okay if the younger child is happy (and you are not judging whether or not the solution is “fair” from an adult perspective!).  However, please do remember that ages  4 and 6 are especially bossy, aggressive ages for many children and leaving them to “work it out” without your physical presence and perhaps some guidelines often leads to some sort of physical altercation with someone in tears.

To me, when small children fight, it may mean that they need you to hold a stronger presence around them.  They may need you to say, Oh, I need help in chopping these vegetables for dinner or Oh, I need your help in planting seeds or whathave you.  It may mean you need to go and look back at how present you are, and also where your rhythm and the place of very physical, outside time is within your rhythm. 

Being a listening ear with loving arms can go a long way toward soothing strong emotions and tears even without providing much of a solution.  Just having an adult understand how upsetting a situation can be is helpful.  You really don’t need a lot of words, just a calm presence

I like the positively-phrased aspect of working with two small children regarding conflict resolution:   “We share” or “You may have a turn when your sister is done”, but the truth of the matter is that you  also need to be right there to help the children follow-through.  Some children really do need to hear an adult count out the length of a turn so the turns are “fair.”

Fairness can be a big deal, but it also should be understood over time by children that fair is not always equal and different members of the family have different needs.  I truly believe that when you have children over the age of 7 and also children under the age of 7, setting rites of passages helps immensely because the younger children can see that certain things happen when one is 6 or 7 or 8 that do not happen before.  A two-year-old and a six-year-old are at different development stages and should be treated as such.

Conflict between siblings will probably never stop, and to frame it more positively this is the first place where children really learn about dealing with another person, how to deal with conflict, the concepts of fairness, equality, how to deal with jealousy and other strong emotions.  It can be hard, but it can be a time of extreme growth.

Many mothers attempt to instill the notion of the older as the protector and caretaker of the younger sibling as a way to defuse argument.  I agree with this to a certain extent, and have seen this work successfully within many families, but I think we also need to be careful to understand that a six or seven or eight year old can really take this concept and run with it to the point of being incredibly bossy and demanding of the younger child in the guise of being the “Mommy” or “Daddy” figure if Mommy and Daddy are not right there.  I think we also have to be careful not to push our oldest daughters into the position of feeling as if they are raising children or doing much of mother’s work.

Your oldest child also has needs, and with homeschooling, I feel many times those older over 7 and 8 year old children do need a few social outlets with children mainly of their own age since they may be spending a lot of time at home with younger siblings.  I know this could be an extreme source of controversy, and not every parent feels this way, but I have certainly noticed my oldest daughter appreciates things here and there that involve mainly her own age group and being  a part of that.  As a child heads toward the nine-year-change and beyond, building a sense of trusted community outside of the immediate nuclear family in limited doses can become important. 

Of course, siblings and the close intimacy of the family are the most important relationships your child can experience in many ways.  To me, siblings is one of the greatest gifts I feel you can give your child!

All family members treating one another with respect, courtesy and having a peaceful household is so important in setting the stage for how we treat those outside of our family.  Let us be as kind to one another in our home as we would be to strangers requiring our help.  What a wonderful model for our children!

Blessings today,

Carrie

Carrie

Some Inspiration for Summer Planning and Parenting

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Try this link from Lovey-land  to Melisa Nielsen’s “Planning” topic on her show (the show is audio, so fold some laundry and listen!)

http://lovey-land.blogspot.com/2009/07/key-to-waldorf-homeschooling.html

She has some great things to say that will inspire you, and would be great just for general parenting and homeschooling as well!

Be inspired today!

Carrie