Sometimes we just yearn for peace and all we feel is frustration. Maybe we are frustrated with the developmental stage of our child – you know, that rough patch that we hope will pass soon, or maybe we are frustrated with our partners or spouses. Our bodies, our lack of exercise, our homes, our less than perfect lives. Did I cover it all? Continue reading
It is rather odd to me that so many mainstream parenting resources focus solely on the developmental stages and phases of the toddler and preschooler, and once a child becomes the age of children in the grades, no one seems to think these children are growing or changing in significant ways anymore! Yet, parents of children between the ages of 7 to 14 will tell you this is a time of incredibly rapid change.
To me, two of the hallmarks of development in the time between ages 8 to 10 involves restlessness and forgetfulness.
It is literally so difficult for the 8 to 10 year old to settle down, to sit down, to focus at times. It is unreasonable to think that a child in this age range will be able to sit and write and read all day long like an adult. They are not adults, and they need a lot of movement and time to release energy. Ways to do this include spending time in nature; neighborhood games; probably less organized sports than one thinks but more family fun such as hiking, roller blading, roller skating, skiing, swimming, climbing; lots of breaks for movement during school; many chances for movement and DOING to permeate the subjects we are teaching in drawing, modeling, map making, painting, making models.
This is completely unpopular, but I believe strongly that media and screens for this age should be limited. There are too many other things in life they need to experience with their hands and their restlessness is a sign of this need.
Another place this can be in conflict for homeschoolers is that it can be very easy to want to really ramp up academics in this age range because the child seems so much more mature than earlier. If one is not careful it is easy to lose sight that children of these ages are really in the heart of childhood and that rational thinking is not yet quite there. Hang on, and keep including many concrete and doing ways of addressing your academic subjects.
Forgetfulness is something that very much annoys parents of children this age. You can ask a child of this age to do something and they will forget within a moment or two.
One of the ways we can work with this is through RHYTHM. If the order of every morning is that we get up, we have breakfast, we get dressed and brush our hair and teeth and make our beds, then the child can follow that. Do try to pick an order to things that works for your children. For example, you may wish that everyone would get dressed and make their beds before breakfast but everyone wakes up starving, so craft a rhythm that takes that into account.
Chores are important, but you simply must figure out what you will do regarding the forgetfulness and dawdling around chores and what the consequences of this will be. I have seen very individual approaches from family to family.
I think the last area surrounding forgetfulness that can be helpful is to think about bringing in habits – habits that will build character through practical life. This takes time, and it is easy to want to work on everything at once. Pick one area and really focus on that for forty days and see how it becomes ingrained in the child. Sometimes for the child in this age range it can be something quite small, such as going back to making sure hands are washed before dinner, since acts of hygiene often slip around this age. Maybe it is speaking politely; these are ages where many parents complain about the tone in which children speak.
To me, sometimes this age needs a bit of a carrot. Not a bribe at all, but more a bit of incentive. Haven’t you ever had a really long and rough day and thought how you would try to persevere through it because you were getting to go out that night to something special, or you were going to eat something special for dinner, or you were going to call a special friend on the phone, and it made the day just a bit more bearable? To me, that is different than a bribe that is announced and “you must do this to earn this”. It is just an incentive of something lovely that helps all days go just a little bit better and helps us keep on track.
I cannot tell you how often to try an incentive, or what that incentive even should be per say as I think that is so individual to each family and each situation, but it is just something to think about.
Just a few thoughts to ponder today!
Many blessings,
Carrie
I have been thinking a lot lately about the development of resiliency in children. Resiliency in childhood seems to be an area of great psychological research currently and if you start to search for it on the Internet a lot of information will come up. Resiliency is essentially how a person sees challenges and obstacles in life; and how that person rises up to meet those challenges and obstacles.
The first place I saw this concept recently, (which spurred me to think more about it), was in this free on-line ebook called “Developmental Signatures” at the On-Line Waldorf Library. I have mentioned it before in a back post, but here is the link to the 159- page book in case you want to read it for yourself: http://www.waldorflibrary.org/pg/focusSearch/focusSearch.asp?keywordType=general&keywordValue=developmental signature&page=1&showItem=1&ResourceID=1335
One thing that struck me in this book was the notion that the spirit, part of that three-fold organization of the human being that Steiner so eloquently lectured and wrote about, was treated in this book as having much to do with resiliency:
“The spiritual organization is strengthened to master problems through
experiences of coherence. It is an unconditional requirement for developing courage and security in life. In wellness research this is usually referred to as “resilience” (Opp 1999). This means the individual can meet the hardships and adversities of life because he or she views them not as unchangeable facts, but as challenges that must be met. Resilience is rooted in the knowledge that one’s own forces will grow in strength through conflict and that challenges provide opportunities for self-development.”
Doesn’t this make you stop and think about yourself for a moment? I mean, are you a resilient person? When life, parenting or homeschooling throws you a curveball, can you muster up your own inner will and initiate solving problems or facing challenges? How do you do that? How do you model this for your children? Do you see this quality in your older children at all?
In digging around, I found our friends at Resiliency Canada have already done quite some research into intrinsic and extrinsic pieces that make up resiliency and how parents can help. To see more, try this link http://www.resiliencycananda.ca
Intrinsic qualities seem to involve the child feeling safe enough to express who he or she authentically is, with the child feeling capable and having a sense of purpose (uh, do you all remember a back post in which I asked if your child was gone what tasks would go undone?), self-control, social empathy and compassion, and an ability to accept the fact that not everyone is like themselves in terms of spirituality, or race or socioeconomic background.
We can help foster these intrinsic qualities, in my mind at least, by:
Connecting with our children and loving them for who they are, even if their behavior is not what we are searching for in the moment. Behavior does not reflect upon the essential core of the child. I think we need to show children how we make mistakes and how we fix things but yet still maintain the authority of being the parent. Researchers also found a child’s participation in spiritual or religious activities was really important in developing these intrinsic qualities.
Extrinsic qualities, to me, are supported by things outside of the child: the family, friends, school life, communities and BOUNDARIES. Researchers have pointed out that this means as parents we should be modeling being healthy and functioning within the context of a family or community and having time to spend with their children.
Here are some other interesting links I found regarding resiliency in children.
Here are tips for parents to help promote resilience in older children: http://www.nasponline.org/publications/cq/cq343resiliencytips.aspx
10 ways to make your child more resilient: http://www.nasponline.org/publications/cq/cq343resiliencytips.aspx
The section on “Individual Factors” in this article are especially interesting: http://www.practicenotes.org/vol3_no1/promoting_resiliency_in_families_and_children.htm
The ResilienceNet Virtual Library: http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library.html
A Guide to Promoting Resilience in Children: http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html
I think Waldorf education and mindful parenting has a lot to offer in this area of creating resiliency for our children throughout the different seven year cycles of childhood.
Happy Reading!
Many blessings,
Carrie
I picked up this book at a local bookstore because I was very intrigued by the author’s experience as a Presbyterian minister who is also a Benedictine oblate at a monastery in Oregon. I also have been recently interested in Christian formation from a contemplative perspective. I feel myself drawn more and more to this path in deepening my own walk and am studying many of the lives of the Saints and the Desert Fathers in accordance with Anglican/Episcopalian tradition. There are actually a number of Anglican/Episcopalian monasteries based upon The Rule of St. Benedict, and a number of Benedictine oblates who seek to live their lives in faith according to the Rule of St. Benedict within their own place in the world, whatever their job or marital status might be.
This book is divided into two main parts. Part One includes “Ancient Perspectives On Christian Formation” and has 7 chapters, including How Benedict Transformed the World, Benedictine Essentials for the Journey, The Path of Communal Prayer, The Path of Spiritual Guidance, The Path of Ordinary Spirituality, The Path of Lectio Divinia, The Path of Hospitality. Part Two includes “Christian Formation As A Way of Life Together” and includes chapters on How Benedict is Still Transforming the World, Five Case Studies of Christian Formation, A Guide For Christian Formation in a Local Church, User’s Guide to Going on a Monastic Retreat, and A Year of Tools for Christian Formation. Each chapter has a bullet-point list associated with it at the end with different activities and further reading to do in order to take steps into deeper Christian formation.
The book starts with an apt description of private spirituality, antimomian spirituality and nomadic spirituality and moves into the inner and outer life of the Christian. Benedictine formation begins with a commitment to stability in community, fidelity in community and obedience in community. Then the author takes the time to talk about the life of Benedict, which was really fascinating in and of itself and he also discusses the impact Benedict and Benedictine monasteries had upon the world in the arts, literacy, health care and economic development. Later in the book, the author writes, “In this efficient system of communal labor, Benedictine monks planted orchards and vineyards, hand copied hundreds of thousands of biblical manuscripts, founded and maintained most of the first libraries of Europe, created crafts guilds that birthed the artisan middle class of medieval Europe, dug wells, and built irrigation systems interlacing much of Europe.”
Chapter Two details the essentials of the Benedictine way of life, including spiritual leadership, shared wisdom, tools for spiritual formation, obedience and humility. There are twelve steps in an ascending ladder of humility alone, which provides so much food for thought in how to live. One of my favorite chapters was Chapter Three, which went through “praying in the dark”, morning prayer, praying through the psalms and The Divine Office. I love how the author points out that “the Jewish people have always viewed the book of Psalms as their prayer book, the instruction manual for the life of prayer, both in community and solitude.” Jesus prayed the Psalms from the cross, and the early church prayed the Psalms, so it was fascinating to see how this is such a rich and important part of prayer life for so many. This is probably one of my most favorite chapters in the book, along with the section regarding “Silence and Solitude” in Chapter Six and Chapter Twelve: “A Year of Tools For Christian Formation.” I think the chapters and sections on obedience are also important for thoughtful reading as obedience doesn’t seem to be a popular idea any more but vital to living life in the Christian faith and I think also with living peacefully with each other.
I didn’t feel as drawn to the chapters in the book discussing how to implement a Benedictine Rule within your own place of worship; I guess I was reading this book and thinking more of this path for myself rather than for my parish. However, with the emphasis within the Rule of St. Benedict, of course this makes perfect sense. Perhaps it is just the idea of bringing this into community and organizing that seems challenging to a beginner like me who is just starting to deepen my walk into contemplative practices.
All in all, a book well worth reading from Paraclete Press, Here is a link to the e-book version so you can look at it for yourself: http://www.paracletepress.com/ancient-paths-discovering-christian-formation-the-benedictine-way-epub.html
Many blessings,
Carrie
Part of the Collect for today, Easter Wednesday, invokes a prayer to “open the eyes of our faith.” In a parenting context, I could not help but think about all the parents out there who feel they really are not good enough; that they should be more, that their children deserve more, that their house is not calm enough or peaceful enough, that their house is not clean enough or that they should do a better job feeding their family.
I think there it is one thing to think about improving oneself; to have in progress and at work the desire to improve something that is challenging or a weaker area in oneself.
It is a whole other ball of wax to constantly berate oneself for not being a different person or for not being perfect. They need their eyes to be opened in order to have faith and belief and confidence in themselves as a parent.
I understand how easy it is to lose faith and confidence in oneself as a parent. I can look to the fact that we are having small families in isolation from past generations as part of the challenge, and I can see where the societal push toward “having it all” (whatever that means) and the use of technology and experts for “instant answers” has truly impacted parenting. Perfectionism is a much-tossed about buzz word in many arenas of life.
Have you ever felt less than perfect as a parent? Less than confident? I am sure we all have!
However, I think really the only thing that can counteract what is going on in the life of the parent at this point in American society is an uprising of the individual parent’s consciousness and confidence. There are so many mothers (and fathers) I see that berate themselves for not being it all, for not being able to do it all, and I wish that their eyes could be opened to having faith in themselves.
Good enough is okay. Children and life with small children is noisy, messy, full of conflict and growth and strife and frogs and wet kisses and squishy chubby bellies and mud. (Okay, I threw some of those things in to see if you were actually reading. But the frogs and mud do co-exist with children quite nicely).
Your children only have you. Rise up and be the best you that you can be. Don’t get mucked down in the “would have, could have, should have’s” of life but put that game face back on and jump back in the game.
“Whew! Mommy got angry, but boy do I feel better! Let’s go have some fun now!”
“I can solve this problem and see it as a gift!”
“I can choose this course of action to help my child and if it is not the right course I will think about it and try something different.”
“This is working great for my family right now and it fits in with what I know about childhood development.”
“I can control myself with my children even if I am angry or upset because I want them to grow up to be a parent who can do this with my grandchildren.”
Keep striving in a confident way; you really can do this!
Live big and love your children,
Carrie
This is a question that comes up frequently in my local groups and in my email inbox: what to do with children of three and a half or four who have very strong wills, where everything is a struggle?
One thing I find interesting is that this question typically comes from parents about their first-born child. It also comes from parents who have had all one gender of children and now have a child of the other gender approaching three and a half or four. Just an interesting side-note I have observed over the years.
First of all, take a deep breath and step back for a minute and evaluate. I have often talked about the shift in parenting that occurs (or should occur) at this age, which can be very challenging to attached parents who felt they were essentially one with their very small child. Suddenly, the child has their own ideas and their own will, and for perhaps one of the first times the parent really has to figure out how to set boundaries as the child begins to exert some will and push against the forms of the day and the rhythms you have crafted. This can be a hard task!
It very well may feel as if your child is pushing against everything and anything. So please take out a piece of paper and answer these questions before you read the rest of this post. I think one of the essential questions is: is it really and truly everything, or what is it specifically? Is it transitions? Coming in from outside? Or eating? Or clothing? What is your rhythm like, and what are you doing to take care of yourself? If you are not a single parent, is your partner or spouse stepping in to help as well? Does that change up the energy in a good way? How does your spouse or partner feel about your child’s behavior? How is your environment structured so you have thought about things ahead of time and your child can’t get into things you don’t want him or her into when you are not right there supervising?
What are the boundaries, how are you guiding this child toward those boundaries and what happens if the child is not working within the boundaries? A strong, strong rhythm and unhurried life is really key with the three and four year old. Even a five and six year old will get completely out of character when their rhythm is off and the family is doing too many things and going too many places and being outside of the home too much. Try this post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/07/back-to-basics-how-to-do-gentle-discipline/ and this post for help: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/15/gentle-discipline-connection-plus-boundaries/
The second thing I want you to do is to write down what language you are using when you are talking or thinking about this child on your piece of paper. Are these words that are making you feel loving and connected to your child, words that make you feel like you can set boundaries for this child and guide this child toward those boundaries or are they words where you are creating a battlefield where you are one side of the line and your child is on the other side? Many of you long-time readers know I have a particular aversion to the term, “high needs child” for older children…You can read my small rant about that here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/05/parenting-the-high-needs-older-child/
But, perhaps for you to really take a hand in this situation, your language must change. Here is a back post on that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/23/changing-our-parenting-language/
Okay, now that you have some thoughts down on paper, let’s go on to some of the developmental hallmarks of three and a half or so….Three and a half is very, very little…I wrote a post about the three and a half year old awhile back and am including part of it for you here, take what resonates with you:
“AGE THREE: Three is very, very little. According to Waldorf parenting and pedagogy, the first three years are for the establishment for walking (which takes about two and a half years to be a very mature walker without needing the arms for balance, being able to run, etc); the development of speech and the development of thinking as first seen by use of the term “I”.
Typical developmental things about the three and a half -year-olds include (this is according to the Gesell Institute, not necessarily my personal opinion!):
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: I think one important things, especially for parents where this child is the first-born or an only child, please make sure the expectations for this age are reasonable. Many times parents whose three or four year old is the oldest child in the house are expecting an awful lot. Here are some realistic expectations from a traditional physical therapy/occupational therapy perspective -a three-year-old may most likely be able to:
**At three and a half to age four, may use a spoon for liquids; may use a fork with some spilling; may refill his or her glass from a container that holds less than the glass does; can drink from a water fountain an adult turns on.
**Can distinguish between a bowel movement and urination; around three and a half may or may not go to the bathroom at regular intervals
**Can turn off water in bathroom when you ask; may be able to put toothpaste on toothbrush and wet the toothbrush; can put comb or brush in hair; can pull pants up; can get clothing out and put it on by around three and a half, although the average age for complete dressing is age 5. Can pull off shoes and unzip and unsnap clothing.
**Probably knows own name and names of siblings, may know if they or their family members are male or female.
**Can string large beads; roll clay or other modeling material into a snake shape, probably can match objects, cut paper with scissors, may know primary colors, may be able to roll clay into a ball.
**May be able to play a game with another person, such as rolling a ball back and forth; they can usually talk about a game that just finished and start a new game; can take turns in a game at least 25 percent of the time
**Can sit quietly for at least one minute; this moves up to five minutes at three and a half
**Can say please and thank you; request help when needed
**COMPLETES 10 PERCENT OF A TASK WITH ATTENTION AND REINFORCING BY AN ADULT; will start a task only when reminded at around three and a half and at that point may be able to complete 10 percent of the task with little input from an adult. Carrie’s note: Waldorf expectations and ways of working with a child’s will is often more in line with this than mainstream methods we see out there!
**May sing parts and phrases of familiar songs.
(These milestones came from the Hawaii Early Learning Profile for Children ages 3-6).
I think the main thing to remember is that the consciousness of the tiny three and a half year old is completely different than older children or adults. They do not mutter under their breath, make faces or say things you perceive to be rude to be disrespectful or defiant….
Some things that may help:
Many blessings,
Carrie
I see so many mothers striving to set the tone for their families; mothers who are really working to create a family life that will nurture their children even if it means hard work and facing emotional growth on their part. It is heart-warming and exciting to see mothers who are doing that!
I also see so many mothers who want to strive but don’t seem to have any idea how to take the bull by the horns and be the authority for their family. For whatever reason, the idea of being the person who sets the tone in their home for their family is scary, or met with fear instead of joy.
I think the root of this may lie in that these mothers do not think they are worthy of being an Authentic Leader in their home. I have a few words for you today, just for you.
To My Precious Striving Friend,
You know, you are worthy of setting the tone for your spouse/partner and your children. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t have the best childhood, and have no memories of home-cooked meals or nightly routines and rhythms. It doesn’t matter at all if you can find the will within yourself to rise up and to want to learn how to create a nurturing home life for your family.
The truth is, this process will nurture you. It will nurture your family, and it will nurture the children in the neighborhood who come over to play with your children, it will nurture all those who come into your house. Your house is more than a physical space, but it has an ambience, a feeling, and a tone to it that you set and nurture every day by having a vision and what you do to feed the beauty, truth and goodness that lives in your home.
You are worthy of having this. You love your family, and you are being drawn to this idea of being an Authentic Leader in your home for a purpose and a reason. You, this very day, are helping to raise your grandchildren by the way you love and treat your children. You are extending your values and beliefs through the generations to come.
You feel confused as to how to take on this role? Don’t be afraid. Authority is not a bad thing; only misuse and abuse of power is…Authority is about making the right decisions at the right time for the children in the family who are not yet ready to do it for themselves. They need all the lessons you have learn; you have experience in love and warmth to share. No one will ever love your children more than you!
You don’t know where to start in practical terms? Start with yourself. Parents and homeschooling parents are not more patient or better than anyone else, but we have to be more persistent in working on our own areas of challenge. Work on your courage, your patience, your warmth…pick one area and make a plan! Read sacred texts, find inspiring verses to keep you on track, study, meditate, pray.
Create warmth through the beauty in your home, through the truth and goodness you show your children, your partner, yourself! Ask yourself, is this good, is this true, is this worthy, is this pure? If it is not, what are you doing? You deserve to be surrounded by these things. Rise up and claim it!
To My Precious Striving Friend, you can do this! Be an Authentic Leader in your home, do what is right! It is not about perfection but the process of striving. Overcome your own inertia, your own doubts, your own fears and make a plan to start somewhere. The journey begins with the one step, and if you stumble, get back up and keep going. Your family is counting on you.
Live big!
Love,
Carrie
Some friends and I were recently discussing older children that take an hour or so to really fall asleep. It reminded me of some of the things I have read regarding normal sleep stages.
Around age three is when many children start to go to bed “well”, but they may wake up in the middle of the night and walk around or play. This night waking often disappears by age four, and it may not disturb anyone in the family, but you may find them asleep in odd places in the morning.
Four through seven year olds typically also go to sleep well, but five year olds often have terrible nightmares and wake up screaming. Five and a half year olds and six year olds may also have nightmares, but are usually more readily quieted and calmed than the early five year old.
Children around the age of eight and nine especially often have a really hard time going to sleep; but eight is a lower point for nightmares. Typically there is a rise in nightmares again around the age of nine, which decreases by age ten.
I have seen many children who had trouble sleeping from infancy on; I have also seen children that had extreme trouble in sleeping in infancy who do quite well falling asleep and sleeping through the night during their preschool years and above. It seems to vary widely from individual to individual. It also has seemed to me, from what I have observed, is that children who were in co-sleeping families often do not seem to go through the “hard to go to sleep phase” of eight and nine. That has just been my experience; please leave yours in the comment box.
One thing The Gesell Institute of Human Development recommends in their writings for children who are having trouble falling asleep is to check for allergies to artificial food dyes, but also the common allergens of dairy, wheat and corn.
Nighttime fears can also play a part in a child having difficulty going to sleep. Children can fear wild animals, robbers, the safety of the home, and many other things before they try to go to sleep. It seems the height of this can be for an eight year old. I don’t know as there is any one set way to respond to these fears; I think much of how one approaches this depends on the individual child. Sometimes I think the easiest thing to do in this situation is to accept that this is only for a season and to let the older child fall asleep in the parent’s bed and then move the child to their own room.
I would love to hear your stories on this subject in the comment box.
Many blessings,
Carrie
In order to handle the rigors of family life, I have posited in the last few posts that we must think about biography, balance of the physical body and the inner bodies, faith and faithfulness (our beliefs, and how faithful are we in ACTION to our beliefs). In addition to the things I already mentioned in the first three parts of this series, I want to name some concrete actions you could take to start your own inner work so you can be centered for your best parenting:
Many blessings,
Carrie
For this Lent, I have been reading the words of our Early Church Fathers and I have also been doing a Beth Moore Bible Study called, “Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith”. I think this is one of the best Bible studies, if not the best study, I have ever done. If you like Bible studies and haven’t done this one, I encourage you to check it out.
One thing that Beth Moore mentions in this study is the difference between faith and faithfulness. She writes, “……I conceptualized faith as believing God, while I tended to imagine faithfulness as obediently serving God and keeping His commands. Though faith certainly encompasses serving and obeying God, I am opening my spiritual eyes to the fact that faith is the root of all faithfulness to God. In fact, we might say ultimately, faithfulness – serving and obeying God – is the outward expression of an inward fullness of faith.”
Let’s apply this to parenting for a moment, shall we? I think this is an important part of inner work and personal development in parenting.
Faith makes me think about belief. So what are your beliefs about parenting? If you homeschool, what are your beliefs about homeschooling? Have you elucidated this for yourself and your family? This does take time to figure out, but one must at least make the effort to think about it.
And then, the question becomes, does this faith, do these beliefs that you carry in your heart about parenting translate to what you do every day: are you faithful in the details, in how you make these beliefs reality in your own home?
This is not about perfection. No one is perfect. There are always mistakes and things we wish we didn’t do. There are always times of challenge. There is always learning and growing in parenting. Even if you have been through one particular developmental stage with five children, that sixth child is an individual or his or her own and it will be different. So perhaps part of faithfulness is also forgiveness. Forgiveness when you do something the way you didn’t want to do. Forgiveness for being human. Forgiveness for being fallible.
But perhaps faithfulness in the details also means having a plan, having a vision, and most of all, overcoming our own inertia and weakness. For me personally, for that, I have to ask my Creator. We have to WANT to not be stagnant, we have to want to grow and change. We have to work, and tweak things as we go along and discover.
I think the other part of faith in parenting is having a self –confidence that you can indeed be faithful and show these beliefs concretely in real life and in your real actions. How many times have we heard, “Actions speak louder than words”? That is truth.
How confident are you as a parent? You are the expert of your own family. I believe there are some essential truths to work with in childhood development and parenting, but the application may look different depending on the family. Perhaps thinking about your beliefs in parenting and how your life would look if you could strive to be true to what you believed would lead you to increased authenticity and confidence. Perhaps this would lead you to stop comparing yourself.
So, what do you believe about parenting? About homeschooling? How do you find forgiveness for yourself? How do you use your beliefs to be more confident in your parenting?
Many blessings.
Carrie
The Parenting Passageway 