A very interesting article available through www.waldorflibrary.org at this link:
http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW55breipohl.pdf
Happy Reading!
Carrie
Movement For the Child Under the Age of 3
Reply
Category Archives: Birth Through Age One
The Newborn: Traditional and Anthroposophical Perspectives
From a Traditional Physical Therapy Perspective regarding Normal Development:
Full-term is 38 weeks onward. 37 weeks’ gestational age is NOT full-term.
The neonate has NO experience with life outside of the womb – Please remember that as you expose your infant to his or her first sounds and sights of the outside world.
Very little movement is independently controlled – most movement is random and affected by gravity (gravity is also a new experience).
The elbows, hips, knees, and ankles have strong flexion, meaning that they are bent up and if you try to straighten them they will recoil back into a bent position.
Newborns are usually moving when they are awake and display a wide range of vigorous movement with rotational components of the ankles and wrists. Usually one can see this better when the infant is lying on his or her back. There is much about tummy time and its importance out there, but giving an infant opportunity to freely kick and move while lying on their back is also important.
A neonate is interested in breastfeeding, being held and cuddled and in hearing their mother’s voice. If you are a first-time mother, I am here to reassure you that less material things are needed than you think.
A neonate can fixate on your smiling face and track briefly. They typically see best when the object (your bright smiling face!) is about 9 inches away.
Extension (lifting) of the head and neck while lying on the stomach is one of the first things you will see against gravity, but I am not so personally convinced that a neonate needs a whole separate “playtime-tummy time” on the floor on a blanket by themselves. Tummy time can also be achieved over your legs, over your lap or being held with the infant’s tummy on your chest as you are laying down.
There are a wide range of reflexes that help the infant organize themselves and drive an infant’s ability at this age, along with the musculoskeletal constraints already mentioned (strong flexion) and the way the bones start out.
If your baby has a history of prematurity, intraventricular hemorrhage, bronchopulmonary dyplasia, low birth weight under 1500 grams, or lack of oxygen to the brain, please follow your baby’s development carefully.
From an Anthroposophical Point of View:
(One of the best resources on the Web regarding The Waldorf Baby can be found here: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/early-years-nurturing-young-children-at-home/the-waldorf-baby.html).
Rahima Baldwin Dancy talks about in her book how the infant experiences space, time and gravity differently once born compared to life within the womb. Birth also is the first experience an infant has with temperature regulation and the rhythmical qualities of breathing.
“With the first breath,” she writes, “inner emotional life begins, and the breath serves as the connection between the inner and outer worlds. With the first in-breath, the possibility exists for the soul life to enter into a deeper relationship with the body, a relationship it will keep until the last expiration. Although the baby is spiritually present and physically responsive to stimuli while in the womb, the soul cannot come into the body without the breath. Then the soul gives expression to our emotions through the breath as sound and speech.”
Incarnation into the body is a gradual process.
The infant is viewed as entirely a sense-organ where all impressions from the environment go into the infant without filters and influence physiological processes – such as digestion and circulation of the blood.
Sleep of the infant is seen as needed to “shut-off” from the world because if one is a sense organ where impressions are just flooding in, imagine how exhausting that is!
Things typically recommended by authors such as Rahima Baldwin Dancy, and Joan Salter include having a special place for the baby to rest, such as a bassinet or co-sleeper, and draping this with silks to provide rest for the infant’s eyes.
Provide harmony and rhythm through singing. You can also play a soft flute or kinderlyre.
Provide a sense of warmth for your infant and keep your infant’s head covered throughout the first year. Remember, an infant does not do a great job regulating temperature by themselves!
Think about 40 days of rest and of being at home – there is an entire post on this blog regarding that subject here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/17/40-days-after-birth-and-beyond/
Joan Salter asserts that the baby’s most natural position within the first six weeks is HORIZONTAL, not vertical.
You may consider keeping your infant inside for the first 40 days and after that introducing your infant to the wonderful sounds of nature outside. Trips to the store, in the car, in a bus, etc should be avoided if at all possible.
Joan Salter recommends swaddling with the upper extremities bent and the hands near the infant’s mouth – as a therapist, this is the position I most frequently recommend as well.
I suggest if you would like to read more about The Waldorf Baby, to go back and re-read pertinent chapters in “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” and “The Incarnating Child.” Sometimes a third or fourth read of these chapters can really provide further illumination!
Many blessings,
Carrie
Stress Signs in Infants
(Note- This is from a pediatric physical therapy viewpoint today).
A brilliant comment from anthromama on my last post regarding “40 Days After Birth and Beyond” stimulated a small idea in my head! Many of you know that I am a neonatal physical therapist by profession and in my work, recognizing and calming an infant in stress is a huge part of what I do. So, with that in mind, I thought I would list the stress signs of an infant here for everyone to see because it never occurred to me that folks might not recognize stress signs in their own full-term infants (yes, a full-term infant can still have stress signs – remember, protect those 12 senses!)
Stress signs:
The baby will salute you – essentially this looks like a baby stretching out their hand toward you, (usually the back of the hand toward you) and up towards their face. Parents will say, “How cute! He is waving at me!” Nope, nope and nope.
The baby will extend the arm and splay the fingers apart.
The baby will frown, grimace, grunt.
The baby will all of the sudden start yawning, hiccupping, or sneezing multiple times. (Yes, babies do yawn, hiccup, or sneeze but this is more like 10 times in a row or more all of the sudden).
The baby will arch the back and neck and push away (and yes, some babies with gastroesophageal reflux disease will also arch and push away).
The baby will look away suddenly and for a long period after having a period of wonderful eye contact on a caregiver’s face – think about this one carefully. We ourselves do not maintain focused eye contact on others when we are in conversation, but often our eyes are scanning and resting, scanning and resting. The looking away is a sign the baby needs a break and less focus.
The baby will cry. This is usually a last sign when all other signs have been ignored.
The baby will become frantic and move all extremities wildly.
Or, conversely, the baby will just shut down, shut his or eyes and tune everything out.
What To Do:
Breastfeed and gently but firmly snuggle your infant
Try tucking your infant’s arms and legs close into their body. See if you can help your infant clasp their hands together or to bring their hand to their mouth if they are not nursing.
Try talking to your infant before touching them – let them know you are there!
Hold your baby about 10 inches or so from your face – the distance they see best at first if you are wanting to make direct eye contact. Vision is not the most utilized sense in a newborn!
Turn down the lights; bright lights bother many infants
Swaddling!
Most importantly, decrease the multiple inputs going on – if the other kids are screaming, the dog is barking, the phone is ringing – well, see if you can turn the phone off, calm the kids, let the dog go outside.
Let the baby hold your finger.
For “All-Out Crying”
Sometimes babies just need a release and that is okay while being held and soothed, but we really want the infant to establish trust in that a caregiver will meet their needs (in other words, no crying it out for a small baby!) If nursing is not doing the trick, some babies enjoy being swaddled and held upright with motion such as being walked around. Some babies I have loved who had more severe neurologic challenges have responded best to being rather tightly swaddled, sucking on my gloved finger in a sidelying position with their head higher than their stomach and being “gently rhythmically bounced” (ie, if they are on your leg, cross one leg over the other leg, put the infant on their side on the leg that is highest with their head away from you and tap your bottom leg to a slow rhythmic beat). I need to take a picture so you all can see it better. Sometimes sucking along with a gentle rhythmical bouncing or rocking is very helpful for any infant in distress.
Babies that are happy:
Are in a quiet and alert state.
The face, arms and legs are relaxed.
The baby can focus on objects or people.
Their eyes are open and they try to smile.
There was a post I wrote quite awhile ago regarding why babies cry, typical crying patterns, etc: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/when-babies-cry-and-what-we-can-all-learn-from-the-high-needs-baby-and-child/
Hope this helps stimulate some thought,
Carrie
40 Days After Birth and Beyond
Gypsy, a reader of this blog from New Zealand, wrote this post on her blog that I wanted to share with you: http://domesticallyblissed.blogspot.com/2009/07/more-than-suburban-neurosis.html I am sharing Gypsy’s concern regarding not only the general lack of time mothers today have to prepare and dream for a birth while pregnant, but also this thought that as soon as possible one must jump back into the old routine. My Dutch neighbor asked me yesterday why people in the U. S. brought tiny infants to movies….. (My European and Down Under readers, is this only a U.S. phenomenon??? I would like to know! Please leave me a comment!) Her thought was that a movie is so very loud and overstimulating and she wondered why mothers are trying perhaps hard to prove that “they have had a baby but can still do all the things they used to do”? I am not sure if this is the reason mothers bring infants to movies, or if it is just “something to do to get out of the house”, but I do wonder. What makes us think that this is okay for a tiny baby? (Well, okay, what makes us think this is okay for children in general under the age of 7 or 9? That is a whole ‘nother post topic!) A child under the age of 9 and especially a small baby is WIDE open to the world with no filters, no sensors. All those sensory impressions just come pouring in! I cannot tell you all the number of hospital rooms I have walked into to treat a tiny newborn and had to ask the parents to please turn a very noisy and loud television or radio program off! I have felt badly for these infants’ assaulted senses. I am a very attached mother, and I have many, many attached friends. But please, let’s not use the fact that we can breastfeed in a sling to drag a baby all over creation! Our bodies can act as a filter for some of the sensory impressions for our babies, but the question is shouldn’t part of being a mother be that we put the sensory needs of our smallest and most fragile first and foremost? Shouldn’t the birth of a baby be a time of wonder and enjoyment and yes, a slower pace? What have we to prove by running errands all over town and everything else? I had one friend who came from a large family who commented wryly that a new baby was always the best time because their mother stayed home with the new baby and the older children got to go to their friends’ houses a lot. But, the point is, their mother slowed down and took care of the youngest member of the family. Your baby will only be a tiny baby once. I encourage you to not only take your forty days, but also to slow down your life for a year and get used to being home. I think this adjustment comes sooner or later. I have had many mothers who have lamented to me that once their baby was walking and such it “was difficult to go to Starbucks and enjoy a cup of coffee” or go out to lunch as the child wouldn’t sit there any longer. I understand that, I really do – they hit an adjustment period, a true adjustment. They realized after a bit of time that they needed to be more firmly entrenched in their homes and that having a child was changing them and their lives. It was this sense of surrendering that had to occur and these mothers had to take charge of their own homes. This can be a difficult journey for so many of us, and I would love to dialogue more about how to make this transition to home a reality. More to come, Carrie
A Few Thoughts About The Waldorf Baby (And Beyond!)
I have recently been reading Steiner’s “Theosophy” and re-reading bits and pieces of Lois Cusick’s wonderful book, “The Waldorf Parenting Handbook“.” (This is an excellent book, by the way, although it probably could have had a better title!)
At any rate, what I have been discovering is the view of the baby through the lens of the three – (and four-fold) human being. Even if you are not an anthroposophist, I think there is a lot of wisdom to be gained from this perspective. Grab a cup of tea, sit down and think with me for a few minutes! You can understand this!
From an anthroposophic viewpoint, birth is seen as the end of a long spiritual process where the infant chooses parents and the infant struggles to “incarnate” into a new physical body. This notion seems odd to many folks, but I ask that even if you don’t believe this, observe babies! As a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist, I have had the opportunity to observe literally thousands of babies – some developing “normally” and some not. Watch them, look at them – their arms and legs are not under their control at first, they have to develop that control over time and yes, through a bit of struggle! The tasks of the first three years from a simplified anthroposophic viewpoint especially is to develop eye contact, to develop this physical control of the muscles, to then attain an upright position, to learn to talk (through imitation) and then that glimmer of thought when they first refer to themselves as “I”.
Lois Cusick notes in her book on page 1 that when small children ask, “Where do I come from?” that a picture is a better way to answer than an abstract notion. She remarks, “One old picture that has done good service is the archetypal white dove-shaped form winging its way down from heaven. This shape on the medieval tapestries and stained glass Cathedral windows is called the Dove of the Holy Spirit. To the peasants, it looked remarkably like the shape of the homely village storks dropping down to roost in the chimmneys. From them we have inherited the notion of the stork bringing the child’s soul to earth.”
No, I am not suggesting you tell your child the stork brought them per se! However, read on for an interesting connection to this as seen by Lois Cusick: “It is interesting to find that the archetypal shape of the descending Dove of the Holy Spirit is indeed laid into the very structure of the human body, in the larynx, breastbone and womb……..The human larynx gives birth to human words; behind the breastbone lies the human heart, where love is born, and the womb gives birth to the child…..In early Christian art, where the Dove of the Holy Spirit hovers over Mary, there are often the words Et incarnatus est. And it incarnates. What incarnates? In the larynx, the human word; in the heart, the divine quality of love; in the womb, the child of God. Those are my answers,” she writes, “The picture symbols leave each mind free to interpret and judge according to one’s inclinations.”
All of this is very interesting! However, even if you don’t believe in or agree with the anthroposophic viewpoint that the child has come to you after a long spiritual journey with a destiny to have you as a parent, perhaps you can resonate with the fact that the physical body and control of that body is something an infant has to grow into! In fact, this process of “growing into” the physical body happen during – yup, you guessed it!- the first seven years of life! We lay down rhythms to help our child in this process, we keep our children in their bodies and not so much their heads and we help our children lay a foundation for their future health in doing so!
So the question becomes: what can we do with the baby to assist this process? Here are some thoughts!
- We can work on ourselves! We can work hard to lead the lives of good people, moral people, upstanding people. This work never ends, but does continually grow. As a Christian, I personally think about the Fruit of the Spirit, those traits. Steiner talked about “The Great Virtues” – justice, prudence, courage, wisdom. He also talked about faith, hope and love. Most major world religions have these attributes as part of their faith. If you have no specific spiritual path, I urge you to look closer at this for the sake of your children; leave your own adult baggage behind and investigate it further and see if you can open your heart to what may resonate inside.
- We can protect our child during birth with good birthing practices and by breastfeeding. Rahima Baldwin Dancy has much to say regarding this in her book, “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher.” Perhaps you can go back to that book and re-read that part and see if it resonates differently with you.
- We don’t let infants “cry it out”, we provide loving warmth and joy and eye contact between all family members and this new life.
- We keep the baby home for at least six weeks after birth, and we protect the infant’s 12 senses by not dragging the infant around for endless errands in a carseat after that if possible! Who has done a 40-day “lying in” out there? Please do leave some comments in the comment section!
- We can keep our babies warm! Warmth is such an important thing in small babies. Try this post to help give you inspiration: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/early-years-nurturing-young-children-at-home/the-waldorf-baby/dressing-the-very-young-child.html
- We can take our babies outside, weather permitting, for walks and even for naps outside!
- The baby experiences “good” in its world in these early months by being loved by its mother and father. The parents can attempt to live an unhurried and unstressed life so the baby can develop trust and see goodness.
- We can recognize that it takes years to develop into the physical body, and we honor not to rush this process through infant walkers, through the use of “Teach Your Baby to Read” programs, through “Baby Einstein.” We respect that the baby is a baby with skills and abilities that will unfold.
- We allow the baby to move – we have times where the baby can move freely in a safe environment. By the same token, we allow the baby to speak without “teaching” speech and correcting the heck out of the imitated speech that is just forming! However, on the other hand, we don’t use baby talk!
- As the child learns to think, to have a sense of themselves as separate, around the age of “3”, we can provide boundaries even if we had not had to set many before! This is of utmost importance – provide these loving, warm boundaries but yes, boundaries that exist for the child so the child learns to function in our world and in our space. In the article “Birth to the Age of Three: Our Responsibility” by Dorothy Olson and available at www.waldorflibrary.org, she writes, “When we give direction to the child or make requests of the child, or say that we are going to do something, we must be clear in our thinking, phrase our request in the positive, then stay with the direction and be consistent. If we reverse direction, we damage the child, we cause nervousness and insecurity.” (Carrie’s note: And yes, I know many attached and loving parents who would totally disagree with that last sentence!). She goes on to write, “Parents and teachers who are constantly inconsistent, do not allow the child to meet the realities of existence. The child is then educated for a life which does not exist, becomes weak, and is at the mercy of its surroundings and of other people.”
(What this talk on boundaries means is NOT that you are a dictator – you are gentle, loving, and calm and you THINK about your house, the tone in your house, and yes, what boundaries you need in your house from there with the needs of everyone considered! There are posts on this site regarding creating family mission statements that may assist you. The key is to understanding a three year old and a four year old is in IMITATION, and in their BODIES. Thinking ahead and “consequences” is not really up their alley yet! 🙂 ).
It is a big task, a wonderful task , a wonderful opportunity, a gift to be able to refine the kind of parent you want to be, starting from now!
Thanks for reading!
Just a few deep thoughts for today,
Carrie
Bringing Rhythm to Your Baby
There is a mother’s story here on the Christopherus website’s “Waldorf Baby” section that may interest those of you thinking about how to bring rhythm to your baby (and my personal caveat is that this is one mother’s story and does not necessarily reflect my own personal opinion! But good ideas for thought! And please note the number of times this mother says the establishment of rhythm must be done over time, and gently!)
As a lay breastfeeding counselor, I have to say here the idea is NOT scheduled feedings; scheduled feedings in breastfeeding mother/infant dyads can lead to failure to thrive! Please remember this rule: RHYTHM is TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN A SET SCHEDULE! That being said, however, it is about being able to see as your infant grows and gently OVER TIME what sort of rhythm to the day you are setting in order to protect the infant’s 12 senses (if you need help remembering which of the 12 senses is affected by rhythm, try this post here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/22/the-twelve-senses/)
It is also interesting to me that many parents comment how their second, third and subsequent children fall more easily into a rhythmical pattern than their first…I feel this is probably because a more set flow to the day is already in place and you are not re-creating the rhythmical wheel.
It is also remembering that from a Waldorf point of view, you are not “squishing” your infant’s individual temperament or anything else by providing a flow to things. In my personal experience, children who are “high-needs” are by definition VERY irrhythmic, irregular and need your gentle help to move them towards rhythmical patterns….This can be very difficult for parents to accept and work with! Re-frame your thoughts in this way: you are providing a rhythm that not only uplifts and enfolds your infant and their personal traits and their health but also provides peace and harmony for the whole family as well. This is setting the tone in your own home, and your rhythm is just what your family does. Again, rhythm is just about life within your family; we rest and we play, we go outside and are active, we are inside and we listen and are quieter. There should be an ease and a flow to it, not a “military” sense of punctuality!
Within Waldorf parenting and Waldorf parenting, sleep and rest are very important cornerstones, one that rhythm is very important in promoting and preserving and I am going to address this important topic in another post. Get your cup of tea ready, because the way Steiner and Waldorf Education views sleep may be different than what you have ever heard of before!
Blessings on this day,
Carrie
The Waldorf Baby: The First Year
Here is a link to a great article by Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool regarding the Waldorf baby and the first year:
There is also a link on there to an article I wrote regarding the impact anthroposophy has had on my work as a neonatal physical therapist: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/early-years-nurturing-young-children-at-home/the-waldorf-baby/not-too-hot-not-too-cold.html
And, of course, as a lay breastfeeding counselor and as an AP parent, I agree with the position Christopherus has taken regarding breastfeeding and co-sleeping!
Lots of food for thought in this article!
Happy Reading,
Carrie
The Twelve Senses
I am going to try and synthesize a few things for you all that I recently learned from Donna Simmons at the Waldorf At Home conference held in Atlanta, a presentation by Daena Ross for Waldorf In the Home (available through Rahima Baldwin Dancy’s on-line store in CD and DVD versions) and Barbara Dewey’s section on the twelve senses in her book “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge”.
I am by no means an expert on the twelve senses, although I will say the twelve senses make a whole lot of sense to me due to my background as a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist.
Steiner postulated in his lectures that there were not only the five most obvious senses that we think of, but actually twelve senses that required development. This has been proved in the medical community, although sometimes in medical literature and therapy literature you see reference to “systems” rather than “senses” although they are truly talking about the same thing!
The twelve senses are what unites the inner and outer world of the individual and what allows us healthy interaction with other people at the highest developed levels. It takes a long time for these senses to be developed, but the foundational senses needed to develop some of the upper senses are most developed in the first seven years. There we are, back to my soapbox about the first seven years!
The Lower Senses are seen in our will forces, they are unconscious, and they manifest in the metabolic-limbic system. These include:
The Sense of Touch – through the organ of the skin. This includes what is inside of me and what is outside of me. Important ways to boost this foundational sense include vaginal birth, swaddling, holding, positive tactile experiences (NOT PASSIVE experiences, like through media or Baby Einstein! Active experiences!) The lack of completion of this sense is strongly related to ADHD according to Daena Ross.
The Sense of Life or sometimes called The Sense of Well-Being – this encompasses such things as if you can tell if you are tired, thirsty, hungry. The best way to boost this sense is to provide your children with a rhythm to help support this while it is developing. Some children have great difficulty recognizing their own hunger or thirst cues, their own need for rest or sleep. A rhythm can be a great therapeutic help in this regard.
The Sense of Self-Movement – this is probably more familiar to therapists in some ways as the “proprioceptive system” in some ways. This sense encompasses the ability to move and hold back movement, and can also encompass such sensory experiences as containment (which can be a form of massage for premature babies) and also swaddling. Childhood games that involve starting, stopping can also affect this sense.
The Sense of Balance – This is balance in two separate realms, from what I gather from the Daena Ross presentation. It is not only the ability to balance by use of the semicircular canals of the ears for midline balance so one can cross midline but also refers to the balance of life and being able to be centered, which again goes back to rhythm and the idea of in-breath and out-breath. Donna Simmons calls this one a gateway to The Middle Senses.
The Middle Senses are seen in our feeling lives, involve us reaching out into the world a bit, they are seen as “dreamy” senses and manifesting in the rhythmic system. THE CHILD HAS NO FILTER TO FILTER THESE SENSORY EXPERIENCES OUT IN THE EARLY YEARS. In the later years, the arts build these senses, which is why the Waldorf curriculum includes teaching through art in the grades. These senses include:
The Sense of Smell – strongly correlated with memory. This can be an ally in education of the grades age child, but beware of scented everything when your children are in the foundational first seven years.
The Sense of Taste – Not only on a physical plane, but an emotional plane in naming experiences (a “putrid” experience, a “sweet” experience)
The Sense of Sight – with two different ways to visualize something: one is the ability to distinguish color, and the other is the ability to distinguish form (which Daena Ross says is more related to The Sense of Self-Movement). The best way to help this sense is to protect the eye from media while developing. A way to bolster this sense in the grades, but not the Early under 7 Years, is through form drawing.
The Sense of Warmth – Donna Simmons calls this one a gateway to The Higher Senses. This sense does not fully develop until age 9 and can literally cause a hardening of creativity and new thought as the child matures, but also can refer to a literal inability of the child to be able to tell if they are hot or cold. Warmth implies not only physical warmth, but warmth on a soul level. Joy, humor, love, connection are all important developers of this sense along with PROTECTION from extreme and garish sensory experiences that would cause hardening. This is a very important sense, and children need help with protecting this sense until the age of 9 or 10, so much longer than many parents think!
The Upper or Higher Senses develop during adolescence and require a strong foundation of The Lower Senses and The Middle Senses to come to maturity. These senses are associated with awakening of the individual, with being concerned with other people and are seen as being centered in The Head. These senses include:
The Sense of Hearing (which Daena Ross calls “a bridge between The Middle and Higher Senses” in her presentation) This requires completion of The Sense of Balance – both of these senses involve the organ of the ear.
The Sense of Speech or The Sense of the Word (this is the speech of another person, not yourself) – Requires completion of The Sense of Self-Movement as you must be able to quiet your own speech in order to really hear another person.
The Sense of Thought or The Sense of Concept (again, of the other person, not your own thoughts!) – Requires completion of The Sense of Well-Being. Rhythm builds this ability to quiet oneself in order to hear someone else’s thoughts.
The Sense of the Individuality of the Other (Donna Simmons also calls this the “I-Thou” relationship of boundaries) – This requires integration and completion of all senses, but particularly involves The Sense of Touch according to Daena Ross.
The most important take-away point for my parents of children under the age of 7 is that children need rhythm, a balance of in-breath and out-breath and protection of the senses from too much stimulation, from media and boundaries set by the parents to wear clothes (VERY difficult with some little nudists!). The development of these senses is also profoundly related to sleeping and what occurs during sleep to build all of this up.
Waldorf Education is first and foremost about health and the twelve senses provide a glimpse into some of why things are done in Waldorf the way they are! I encourage you to investigate the twelve senses on your own. In this age and day of skyrocketing ADHD/ADD, autism spectrum disorders, sensory processing disorders, this should be mandatory learning for all parents.
With love,
Carrie
Common Toddler Challenges and How to Solve Them
Common Toddler Challenges:
“Into Everything”:
Options:
- Child-proof, child-proof
- Model how to explore fragile things with your help and put away
- Keep less things out, access to art supplies, toys, etc should truly be limited
Your Ideas:
Picky Eating:
Options:
- Rule out a physical cause; check food allergies and sensitivities
- Limit high-fat and high-sugar choices, have many healthy choices
- Look at your child’s food intake over a week, not just one day
- Have a schedule/rhythm for mealtime and snack time and sit down with your child to eat in an unhurried manner
- Serve smaller portions – your child’s stomach is the size of their fist
- Serve your child’s favorite foods as a side dish to a main meal
- Do not feel ambivalent about your child’s ability to eat what you serve
- Allow an option to have toast or cereal for one night a week
- Try frozen vegetables, such as peas and corn right from the bag or raw veggies with dip if your child is old enough and this is not a choking hazzard
- Let the kids have a vegetable garden – children often will eat what they have grown
- Start calling green veggies “brain food”
- Sneak veggies and fruits into smoothies, or finely grate or chop and mix into foods the child likes
- Fill a muffin tray or ice cube tray with different healthy kinds of snackable foods that the child can pick from
- Model good eating yourself – eat a wide variety of foods!
Your Own Ideas:
Poor Sleeper:
- Rule out physical problems – many children had reflux when they were younger and are off of medications by the time they are a year or so, do make sure reflux has not reared its head again. Check www.pager.org for more details regarding gastro-esophageal disease.
- Educate yourself regarding normal sleep behavior – segmented sleep throughout the night was the norm until the Industrial Revolution
- Expect disruptions in sleep around change, stresses, developmental milestones
- Try a more consistent routine during the day calming and soothing techniques for naptime and bedtime
- Try lots of daytime sunlight and dim the lights after sundown; put your house to sleep after dinner
- Limit afternoon over-stimulation, be home and have a consistent routine where things are structured around getting ready toward sleep
- Look at the foods your child eats
- Hug, sleep, hold your child – parent them to sleep
- Co-sleep
- Remember that many toddlers and preschoolers are poised for an early nap and an early (6:30 to 7:30 PM) bedtime – sometimes we just miss the window!
- Watch out for TV and other media exposure
- Many normal, health co-sleeping children do not sleep a 7 to 9 hour stretch until they are 3 or 4 years old.
Nurses all the time:
Options:
- Review normal nursing developmental milestones – 1 and 2 year olds do nurse frequently!
- Check to see if there are stressors, changes, developmental milestones coming into play
- Evaluate at what other times your child gets your complete attention
- Perhaps your child is ready for a more consistent routine, more and varied things to do, more physical activity outside
- Keep a consistent rhythm to the day and night but varied playthings available
- Limit your own phone and computer time as this is when many children want to nurse! LOL!
Your Own Ideas:
Refuses bath:
Options:
- Use bubble bath, toys
- If she fears soap in her eyes, use swimming goggles or sun visor
- Try bath in the morning instead of at night
- Try a shower
- Get in tub with child
- If child fearful of drain, can drain tub after child out of tub or after child leaves room
Bites adult:
Options:
- Do not take it personally, do not over-react
- Most common between 18 months and 2 and a half years
- Re-direct behavior
- It is not okay for your child to hurt you!
- Do not bite for biting!
Your Own Ideas:
Bites other child:
Options:
- Watch child closely during playtime but realize children of this age do not need many playdates if any at all – limit the exposure and situations you are putting your child in!
- Give attention to the victim
- Usually biting stops by age 4
Your Own Ideas:
Slaps faces:
Options:
- Re-direct behavior
- Do not hit for hitting
- Model non-aggression
Your Own Ideas:
“Demanding, exacting, easily frustrated”
Options:
- Review normal developmental milestones and behavior
- Check how many choices you are giving and how many words you are using and use LESS
- Try to get in a lot of outside time
- Go back to the basics of rhythm, sleep, warm foods, nourishing simple stories and singing
Your Own Ideas:
Will not get dressed or put on shoes:
Options:
- Plan ahead and use easy to put on clothing, check for tags, seams
- Sing a song, look for body parts, dress by a window
- Dress together
- Put clothes on when you arrive at destination
Your Own Ideas:
Running Away in Public Places :
Options:
- Limit the number of public places you take child
- Bring along a second adult to help if possible
Your Own Ideas:
Temper Tantrums:
- It is OK to feel angry or frustrated; accept the feeling
- Look for the triggers – hungry, tired, thirsty, hot/cold, over-stimulated
- Try to avoid situations that set your child up to fail
- Give YOURSELF a moment to get centered and calm
- Remove yourself and child from scene if possible (if a public place)
- Can get down with child and rub back or head if child will allow, can just be there
- Once child has calmed down, can nurse, give him a hug, get a snack or drink
- If child is mainly upset and gets wants you near but you cannot touch child, consider doing something with your hands to keep that peaceful, centered energy in the room! Hold the space for your child!
- Do NOT talk – for most children this just escalates things!
- If child is okay with being picked up, can go outside for a distraction
Your Own Ideas:
Refuses Car Seat
Options:
- Let child have a bag of “car toys” that can be played with as soon as seat belt is buckled
- Have a contest who can get in the fastest
- Be a policman, fireman, truck driver
Your Own Ideas:
Roughness with Pets:
- Model gentle behavior for child with pet
- Child can help do things for pet (but remember, a child younger than 12 does not have the physical and mental capabilities to fully take care of an animal!)
- Separate pet and child
Your Own Ideas:
Aggressive Behavior:
- Try to understand need or trigger beneath the behavior
- Have a rule such as we hit, we sit – Child must sit by you
- Help the children involved get their needs met by structuring turns, etc.
- If fighting happens with one friend, you may have to have them stop playing
- together for a time.
- If the hitting involves a new baby or young sibling, your first goal is to protect the baby
- Have a “calm chair” or “calm place” with books, drawing materials where everyone can go together until they are calmed down.
- Your child may need way less playdates, time outside of the home than you think – be very careful and clear that the places you are bringing your child are truly for them and not for you! If you need times with other mothers, focus on getting bedtime down so you may be able to go out after your child is asleep and have some adult time!
Your Own Ideas:
Separation Anxiety:
- Do not force your child to jump into situations he is nervous about – allow him to watch from the sidelines for awhile, and respect his choices.
- Provide opportunities for your child to take small steps toward independence
- Do not overprotect your child – do not be the hovercraft
- Acknowledge and respect your child’s feelings
- Give your child permission to stay with you – “You can stay here as long as you want to, or you can play and come back for a big hug.”
- Allow the clingyness to run its course – it may be developmentally normal, or it may come out in a time of stress or change
- Give your child something of yours to hold on to and keep close
- Reassure your child by being confident you can walk 10 feet from her and it really is OK – If you say, “Don’t worry, I will be right here if you need me” implies there is something to worry about! Try positive, quiet phrases.
- Again, I truly feel children in the toddler years are NOT meant to be away from their families and that we as a society really push the classes, lessons, independence of this age – Please do be careful the things you are doing are really for your child and not for you and not because “other people are doing it”!
Your Own Ideas:
Tooth Brushing:
Options:
- Start early
- Model good dental habits yourself
- Make it fun – try electric toothbrushes, an egg timer, different kinds of toothpaste
- Use the dentist as the authority on how many times a day to brush the teeth
- Talk to the dentist regarding frequency of cleaning, putting sealants on the teeth
- “Look” for sugar bugs or parts of food from dinner in a playful way, count teeth while brushing
Your Own Ideas:
Resources:
- Ames, Louise Bates. Your One-Year-Old.
- Ames. Louise Bates. Your Two-Year-Old.
- Budd, Linda. Living With the Active Alert Child.
- Bumgarner, Norma Jane. Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.
- Cohen, Lawrence. Playful Parenting.
- Coloroso, Barbara. Kids are Worth It!
- Dettwyler, Katherine. “Sleeping Through the Night.” http://www.kathydettwyler.org
- Flower, Hilary. Adventures in Gentle Discipline.
- Kohn, Alfie. Unconditional Parenting.
As always, take what works for you and your family. Thanks for reading,
Carrie
Tripping Into The Toddler Years
(This post is written more from an attachment parenting perspective).
Toddlerhood IS a time where children have a lot of energy and curiosity, and a time when many parents feel there is a shift in parenting going on – the wants and needs of the toddler are becoming two separate things!
Before you can decide how you want to channel the energy of toddlerhood, it is helpful to know two things: 1. What type of family are you? (this is a determinant in how you perceive and handle typical toddler challenges) and 2. Normal developmental milestones of a toddler ages 12 months to about age 3 and 3. How do you view guiding your child? What are your foundational principles?
What Kind of Family Are You??
In the book Kids Are Worth It! Barbara Coloroso defines three types of families:
- Brickwall – This type of family has a definitive hierarchy of control with the parents being in charge, has lots of strict rules, a high value on punctuality, cleanliness and order, a rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual or threatened violence, the use of punishment to break the child’s will and spirit, rigid rituals and rote learning, use of humiliation, extensive use of threats and bribes, heavy reliance on competition, learning takes place with no margin for error, love is highly conditional, gender roles are strictly enforced, children are taught what to think but not how to think.
- Jellyfish A families – most likely raised in a Brickwall family, this parent is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but does not know what to replace it with. So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits and tends to smother his children. Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs. The lack of structure can then lead to a frustrated parent who ends up resorting to threats, bribes, punishments.
- Jellyfish B families – May be struggling with personal problems that keep her almost totally centered on herself. No one is around to provide a nurturing, caring, supportive environment.
In both types of Jellyfish families, the following characteristics prevail: Anarchy and chaos in the physical and emotional environment, no recognizable rules or guidelines for the children, arbitrary and inconsistent punishments and rewards are made, mini-lectures and put-downs are the main parenting tools, second chances are arbitrarily given, threats and bribes are frequently used, everything takes place in an environment of chaos, emotions rule the behavior of parents and children, children are taught that love is highly conditional, children are easily led by their peers.
- Backbone families – Democracy is a learned experience where children see their feelings and needs are respected and accepted and they also see that it is not always easy to juggle the wants and needs of all members of the family, mistakes are viewed as opportunities to grow, rules are simply and clearly stated, consequences for irresponsible behavior are either natural or reasonable (see attached handout), children are motivated to be all they can be, children receive lots of smiles and hugs, children get second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and to act responsibly on those feelings through a strong sense of self-awareness, competency and cooperation are modeled and encouraged, love is unconditional, children are taught how to think, children are buffered from sexual promiscuity/drug abuse/suicide by three messages: I like myself, I can think for myself, There is no problem so great, it cannot be solved.
Linda Budd, Ph.D., looks at three traits central to all families in her book “Living With The Active Alert Child”: who’s in charge, what the family values, and how the family handles emotion. She breaks families down into the following categories:
- The Closed Family – There is someone clearly in charge, and the others are expected to follow and be obedient. The family values stability. There are many traditions and rituals to create this strong sense of family unity. The family has a hard time with the intensity of emotions. Benefits of this family type include the children growing up with a strong sense of order and feeling secure within the family structure.
- The Random Family – Control in this family changes hands frequently- no one person is in charge. This family values freedom, choice, competition, challenge, creative expression. Individuals are valued over the family unit. People in this family express themselves passionately, intensely, authentically. Children in this system have few limits and limited supervision, but their creativity and intensity are confirmed.
- The Open Family – The family values equality. Control is cooperative, participatory and persuasive. Consensus is used to make decisions. The family values dialogue, tolerance, adaptability. The family needs are balanced with individual needs. The child is valued as a partner who needs help in discovering her own limits. Parents and child negotiate limits and collaborate in problem solving. Cooperation and responsibility are valued. Children feel as if they have mutual power, and that their feelings are acknowledged.
- The Synchronous Family – Control is understood without one person being the source. Control comes from a shared goal or value system, not from an individual. Adults assume children will learn what is correct and what is expected by watching the parents’ example. Emotions are reserved. Children gain a strong sense of security, order and routine.
Food for thought: What kind of family is your family according to either Barbara Coloroso’s or Linda Budd’s structure?
Are you and your significant other different according to Barbara Coloroso or Linda Budd’s structure? What was the family you grew up in like?
NORMAL DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES FOR THE ONE AND TWO-YEAR OLD
Age 12 months – Typically…
Nurses very frequently, almost like a newborn at times
Many mothers pick a code word for nursing at this time
Cannot accept delays or explanations regarding nursing
Heads into period of disorganization (waking up at night, separation anxiety) prior to new developmental milestones.
The drive to stand and walk takes precedence over all other activities
Loves an audience, sociable
Control over feeding is (SHOULD BE) the child’s
Molars coming in; chewing on everything
Very few distinguishable words, points and gestures
Separation and stranger anxiety
Age 15 months – Typically…
Still nursing very frequently, almost like a newborn at times
The dash and dart and fling stage
Demanding, tends to grab, cry, scream
May be rather asocial, undemonstrative
Temper tantrums emerge (if they have not already)
Cup and spoon mastery may be happening
Attention span is short but will examine objects with real interest (but for less than 5 minutes)
Age 18 months-Typically…
Negativism prevails – wants what he wants, when he wants it
Turns to mother when tired, unhappy
Likes to mimic household activities
Not interested in other children – to large extent ignores them or tries to explore them by poking their eyes, pulling hair
Can play alone
Temper tantrums
Nighttime waking appears with new stresses
Walking may still be a bit uncertain, loves to go up and down stairs, squat, climb into chairs or sofas
Will lug, tug, push, pull, pound things
May run away from parents in public places
Protests violently at separation from parents
Parallel play with peers
May see biting, hair pulling, scratching, hitting toward other people
Play is child’s most powerful way to learn
Age 21 months…Typically…
Can be one of the hardest ages – wants are more definite
May be height of wakefulness at night
Height of taking clothes off and running around naked
Still easily frustrated with lots of temper tantrums
Understand which objects belong to individual family members
Cares about “mine”
Knows where household items belong
Can solve some of their own problems themselves when playing
Age 2 years – Typically…
Many still need to nurse often in order to calm themselves, but some children may nurse only around bedtimes and naptimes
Some children can begin to adjust their requests for nursing to places and times that are most comfortable for the whole family
May have difficulty going to bed/falling asleep
Warm, social
Can run little errands within the house
Touches and tastes everything
Uses sentences with verbs and is beginning to use adjectives and adverbs
Parallel play with other children
Age 2 and a half – Typically…
Much improved coordination – can walk on tiptoes, jump with both feet, climb, slide, speed up, slow down, turn corners, make sudden stops
Tense, rigid, explosive, bossy, demanding – (but unsure of himself/environment)
Demands sameness, routine
May stutter, have increased tensional outlets
May have frequent night waking, talking in sleep, night terrors, difficulty going to sleep
Self-feeding with lots of messiness prevails, smearing of food, may throw dishes on floor
May be interested in potty training
Masturbation and genital exploration common
Violent mood shifts – will suddenly become angry and out of control
Can most certainly help around the house
Closer to 3 years old, may get tired easily, easily fatigued, wants to be carried
Interacts with other children but may be in aggressive manner, possessive of his things
Hitting, slapping, pushing, screaming
Suggestions:
Accept need for sameness
Bypass head on confrontations
Divert with conversation
Distract, change the scene
Talk in advance about what will happen
Use music – sing, use verses
Age 3 years – Quick look ahead: Typically..
Can usually go along with your nursing preferences most of the time
Is tranquil, cooperative
Can help set table, prepare simple foods, clean up afterward
Usually potty trained by this point, at least for the daytime
Can be fearful and have phobias
Imagination begins to take fire, may develop imaginary friends
Has a newfound sense of humor and is able to show empathy
Friendships become more important
Will focus completely on one parent and ignore the other and then switch
Help Channel the Energy:
15 to 18 months
Gross motor activity
Loves to swing and bounce up and down (no walkers or such, please!)
Pounding toys, xylophones
Lots of time outside
Remove all breakable objects from reach
Loves to fall on purpose, slide down or bounce down a small slide
Loves to rock on a rocking boat
Loves to push furniture or toys
Two Year Olds-
Water play
Likes routine, imitating grown-up tasks
Play with homemade playdough
Stacking toys
Sand play
Blocks
Enjoys music, rhythmical activity
Acts out their own eating or sleeping
Doll play
Daily walks with opportunity to touch everything
FOUNDATION OF LOVING GUIDANCE
Use the least intrusive strategy for a situation – you will never err by being gentle
Distraction
Remaining calm and being patient is VERY important
Model what you want and set the example
Attribute the best possible motive to your child’s behavior
See the positive intent behind your toddler’s behavior,
Carrie
The Parenting Passageway 