Author Archives: Carrie

Developing Healthy Boundaries

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My last post was written toward an audience of parents who are using spanking, hitting or yelling as their main disciplinary tools.  Today we are going to tackle the opposite problem – that of a child with a parent who feels almost overpowered or overwhelmed by their child’s behavior.  Becky Bailey, in her book entitled,”Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline”, writes that in the past, if a child’s needs and an adult’s needs collided, the adult’s needs would take precedence, mainly because the parent considered any strategy that negated the child’s  needs a success.   She notes that this has reversed in our society today:  “Powerful, strident children seem to dominate powerless adults.  Parents who know that they do not want to repeat the patterns that governed their childhoods, but lack a better approach, have simple flipped the equation.  They have negated their own needs and let the children rule.”

There are certainly situations where children have special issues and needs that cause the parent to feel overwhelmed, but this post is focusing on the parent feeling this way because of the choices they make in their parenting. Barbara Coloroso, in her book, “Kids Are Worth It!  Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline” discuses two types of families that she terms “Jellyfish A” families and “Jellyfish B” families.  “Jellyfish A” families are described below; “Jellyfish B” families are composed of parents who are having personal problems of such magnitude that preclude them focusing on their children, such as parents recovering from addiction issues or other personal issues.   Of interest, she also includes in “Jellyfish B” families parents who are intense work-a–holics or pursuing personal and professional goals at the expense of their children.

Of the “Jellyfish A” families, Barbara Coloroso writes, “The first kind of jellyfish parent was taught what, when and how to speak, act, and react; he was not taught how to think  So when it comes time to develop a backbone structure in his own home, he doesn’t know how…..He is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but doesn’t know what to replace it with.  So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits, and tends to smother his children.  Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs.”

Parenting advice columnist and family psychologist John Rosemond (whom, I have to say, is not at all attachment oriented and someone with whom I certainly do not agree with most of the time) had this to say in a newspaper column entitled, “Parents need to be husband, wife first” (October 4, 2008).  He writes:  “ The 1950s mother went about her child rearing with an almost casual attitude.  It was “all in a day’s work,” as opposed to being all of her day’s work.  She exuded a sense of confidence in her authority; therefore, her child recognized her authority.  She established a clear boundary between herself and her child (as in, “I don’t have time for you right now, so go find something of your own to do”) that today’s mother feels prohibited from doing.  Thus, today’s mother often feels as if she is under assault from her children from the time they wake up until they consent to occupy their beds.”

These are  interesting perspectives to think about, even if you do not agree or feel that way in your own family at this time.  These quotes got me thinking!  However,  if you are feeling slightly stressed by your own children -who seem to never get to bed on time, who don’t want to eat what food you have, who seem to do the opposite of everything that you desire and suggest, and you are feeling powerless to change the situation – I have a few encouraging thoughts for you.

My first thought is that for many attached parents, the want and need to set some boundaries actually takes time to develop, and many attached parents do feel challenged by the shift in parenting that must occur as the baby grows up.  The relationship between mother and baby in an attached relationship is a unified one.  This is because the biology of the baby actually screams for the mother and baby to be one unit.  I think this is the main point that John Rosemond actually misses in many of his columns when he discusses the need for leadership and boundaries before establishing involvement and connection.  In my opinion, he misses the fact that a human baby is hard-wired for connection from the point of birth,  and, that if we follow the baby’s cues at all, connection must take place first.  All infant reflexes are present in order that once the baby is born, the baby can make its way alone to the mother’s breast and attach to the breast without assistance.  Connection!  We are mammals who by the very nature of the fat content of human milk are going to be frequent feeders.  Connection!  Human babies are born essentially underdeveloped neurologically because they cannot remain inside their mothers any longer and still pass through the birth canal. Connection!   Human beings mature slowly compared to most other mammals and need support for a much longer period of time than other mammals.  A mother who has practiced listening to her baby’s cues, breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping in order to satisfy frequent breastfeeding has worked with the biology of her baby to foster a close bond that will serve this baby well over time.

Again, connection to our children is so important and the connection between the mother and father and baby sets the stage for wonderful social adaption in the later years and for good health in so many ways.  I do not in the slightest want to downplay the connection that babies and all children need from their parents.  Yet, as these attached babies grow, many mothers I have met seem to  feel their slightly older toddler (who was and is still a baby), is not perhaps their equal, but almost a small friend or semi-peer.  They seem to  feel their small child’s every opinion needs to be seriously weighed and measured.  Sometimes parents are then caught off guard when the toddler or preschooler’ behavior does not live up to the picture of the child as a small friend – the first time the child yells,”I hate you” when they are a preschooler, the first time the child has a huge temper tantrum, the first time the child hits or bites or kicks – the parent feels like the wind has been knocked out of them because they realize the relationship is changing and that the child is not as mature as they thought!  Or perhaps the child’s ever-changing opinions are just a source of fatigue!  All of this is the beginning of the gentle shift toward more boundaries that happens as the child grows and can also help signal where a child is in their own maturity.  It can be challenging to move from that “one-ness” of babyhood and early toddlerhood into an area of a bit more structure, a few more boundaries, a sense that there are certain limits within the family and to hold that space and those limits with gentleness and love.

The toddler and preschooler is certainly deserving of dignity and respect and of being guided in a way that is gentle and loving.  We will continue to talk about these tools in future posts.  However, another thought in this picture is this:  in my stance from a Waldorf perspective,  the best way to preserve your toddler and preschooler’s dignity and show them respect is to understand they were just a very little  baby a year or so earlier and to not expect them to make decisions that an adult should be making and to not burden the small child with adult concerns.   Please do not give them the burden of adult decision-making in the guise of being fair and respectful to your child.  Provide a wonderful, child-inclusive environment, love your child, find humor and wonder with your child, but do not equate the child as your equal in this loving relationship. 

Eugene Schwartz, a Master Waldorf Teacher, has this funny little scenario regarding what we do to our children every day, published in the book Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, page 115:

“Good morning, dear.  What do you want to wear?

A sleeveless jumper, a short-sleeved dress, or long-sleeve dress?  Flared skirt, denim skirt, or flowered skirt? Short-shorts, capri pants, hiking shorts, or pants?

Pants and a shirt.  Good.  Which ones?

Red, blue, green, striped, checked or plaid pants? Straight-legged, flared, roll-up, or regular-cut designer jeans? Tank top, turtleneck, short sleeved, or long-sleeved shirt? A shirt with a cartoon character, cereal box hero, or plain front?100% cotton, cotton-polyester mix, cotton with lycra or spandex?

Let’s have breakfast.  What would you like to eat today?

Orange, cranberry, grapefruit, or mango-tangerine-guava juice? Granola with nuts, honey, brown sugar, or with organic fruit? Served with 2%, 1%, soy-based milk, cream, or low-fat yogurt? Regular or cinnamon toast, English muffin, or bagel?”

And the list goes on.  It is one of those scenarios that is funny but rings true for so many of us.

I have parents who tell me they never “pick battles” with their children, that there is really nothing that big to get upset about. I do understand.  But there are times when your children will need to know and see that you can be a wall for them to bounce off of when they are spinning out of control and that you will not crumple because they need you to be the parent, the more experiences adult,  at that moment.  There will be the time when you realize, as a parent, that all the things they want are not all the things they need.  There will be times when they will not like you – this is part of parenting and part of transitioning from the “oneness” between mother and baby to the separation required for a child to go out into the world and have his own experiences.  Waldorf looks at the child separating from the parents later than most developmental sources, with what is called the nine-year change frequently typifying the beginning of separation. In looking at childhood development, we expect the parent to understand more about life than a small child under 7 and to use their wisdom and experience to guide their child.

So, in my view, the best way to be attached to your young child is to be the authentic leader, the model of the emotions you own, the person who thinks about the rhythm of the day, the person who sets a gentle and loving tone for your very own home.  And you see your wonderful small child as just that – a small child who has an intense need to be  home, a need to be loved by his or her parents, and yes, a need to be treated as small.

I know many attachment parents who would disagree with this view (and I said in my very first post that everything you read here may not resonate with you and your family!)  However, if you think I am on to something, try it out for a few days.  Offer very limited choices if you have to offer choices at all, stop talking so much and explaining so much to your small child and just let your child be in the wonder of your day – working, playing, being outside, listening, resting.  Structure your rising times, nap times, bed times and meal times.  Have a rhythm to your day that involves your child.   Work toward that earlier bedtime so you can have some time to just be, and to be with your spouse.   It is difficult to present being on the same parenting page if you never get a chance to talk to your spouse without your child present and listening.  

Just as a parent who is working to develop patience needs to stop and think before they open their mouth, a parent working to develop a more authoritative (not authoritarian, not demanding!) parenting style needs to think and have something to say that involves a bit of direction to the child that is younger and has less experience.  This is your job as a parent.

Remember these wonderful words from Adventures in Gentle Discipline:“Bear in mind that to say children are equally deserving of dignity and respect does not have to mean that the relationship itself is of equal power. As a parent, you have a broader view and more life experience to draw from, and these are assets you bring to the child as his adult caretaker. You also bear more responsibility for choices surrounding your child than he does.” (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 11).

Work toward parenting your child toward the wonderful adult you know he or she will be, and respect the natural progression of childhood.  Give your children a childhood that is free from adult concern, but yet asks for respect and responsibility from your child within your family and home.  It can be done!

Next up, Big Tools for the Big Picture of Gentle Discipline.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.  Thanks for reading!

Command, Don’t Demand

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If you are a parent who is trying to orient your compass to more gentle points than hitting your child or yelling at him or her, this is the post for you!  We are going to take the time to talk about why hitting a child  or yelling at him or her does not solve the problem of unwanted behavior. 

Children are immature and not fully developed, and yet we expect them to control their impulses.  It takes lots of time  (years, decades!) to learn self-restraint, and many of us would admit we are still working on impulse control ourselves in different areas.   However, hitting and yelling for conflict resolution is not a skill you can bring to work with you or use with your spouse, and many parents would like to work toward having different tools to use as they guide their children. 

There are excellent reasons for wanting to leave spanking, hitting and yelling behind.  Eda LeShan, in her wonderful article. “Please Don’t Hit Your Kids”, published in Mothering Magazine (www.mothering.com) in Spring 1996, outlines seven points regarding why hitting or spanking a child is not the way to attempt to manage behavior.  Her thoughts include these:

  • We should not hit a child because it leads to the belief of a child that hitting is a decent, ethical and moral thing to do and it is not.
  • Any time we hit or spank a child they believe they are bad and unlovable.
  • When children are spanked, they feel their behavior is something they could have controlled, which is not always the case.  She writes, “It is the nature of childhood to be immature and unable to control one’s impulses.  That’s what adults are for: to help children deal with impulses they will eventually learn to control themselves.”
  • Being hit is demeaning.
  • Nobody learns anything of value by being hit.  “All spankings and beatings do is prove that as soon as one is big enough and strong enough there can be retribution by hurting others.  Hitting produces fear, anger, feelings of rejection, and perhaps most of all, confusion.”
  • The way children learn civility is to have it modeled for them by the adults in their world.
  • There are many other ways to handle the misbehavior of a child.

MORE REGARDING SPANKING:

THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, page 259, says the following regarding spanking, “Spanking does not help a child learn self-discipline…….Of course, there are other things parents do that can be harmful to a child. Physical punishment is only one aspect. Parents can undermine a child’s self-esteem in other ways, too. Nancy Samalin, author of Loving Your Child Is Not Enough, explains: “Children take criticism from a parent very personally. They feel attacked by someone whose admiration they crave…Children need appreciation and praise, not indifference and punishment.”

A Word About Yelling:

“Yelling frightens children. Being yelled at is an attack that triggers the fight or flight response. Some children defend by fighting- yelling back at us. Some children defend by fleeing – trying to escape either physically or emotionally….Intentionally yelling at children to get them to do what we want is bullying. It teaches children to yell at people to get them to do what you want. Unintentionally yelling at children is the loss of control. It teaches children that yelling at people is an acceptable way of dealing with frustration.” (Connection Parenting, pages 104-105). 

Some parents are truly baffled at this point.  I have actually had parents say to me, “Well, if I can’t hit my child and I can’t yell at my child, what do I do?  How do you punish your children if you don’t hit and you don’t yell?”

Again, there is that word:  punishment.  Marshall Rosenberg, author and founder of NonViolent Communication says this regarding parenting,

“Somehow I had gotten it into my head that, as a parent, my job was to make demands. I learned, however, that I could make all the demands in the world but still couldn’t make the children do anything.”

Guiding your child does not mean your child gets to do whatever he or she wants.  However, how you view the process of  teaching your child the skills needed to grow into a mature adult makes all the difference.

Alfie Kohn, in his book Unconditional Parenting, discusses a view of conditional parenting.  This is a view in which the child is looked at in terms of his behavior, the overall view of human nature seen by the parent is negative, the view of parental love is that it needs to be earned and that the strategy involves “doing something to” a child.  This is in direct contrast to unconditional parenting, which focuses on the whole child including thoughts, reasons, feelings,  the view of human nature by the parent that human nature is good, the view of the parent regarding parental love is that it is an unconditional gift and that the strategy used involves working with the child..

He goes on to point out a study done on more than a hundred mothers of grown children: “Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults.  Remarkably, though, they tended to use the identical approach once they became parents.  The mothers used conditional affection “with their own children in spite of the strategy (ies) having had negative effects on them.”  He comments that parenting styles can be passed on to one’s children.  My personal  thought is that how you teach and guide your children is planting the seed for the next generations. Therefore, it is important to stop and think about what discipline is for you.

DISCIPLINE MEANS TO GUIDE.  Discipline does not equate to punishment.  As parents, we are to guide our children…They are in some ways, like a foreigner showing up in a brand new country or culture without understanding the language, the rules, what is accepted and what not is accepted.  It is our job to guide them, and show them lovingly what it acceptable.

However, using gentle methods to guide behaviors does not mean we let behaviors slide; it does mean that we keep working on what we are modeling for our children,  that we understand the developmental stages and that we have the tools to deal with common developmental challenges.  It means that we understand our own temperament and that of our child.  It means that we teach our children and that we guide our children’s behavior.  It means moving past fear-based tactics and being a truly Authentic Leader within your own home. 

I implore you to keep going back to the framework of being an Authentic Leader for your child.  If this framework is new to you, expect that you will have to keep repeatedly aligning your compass to this new point .  Parenting can be wonderful, but also challenging and frustrating.  It is wonderful to read about being a gentle parent in books and quite another thing to pull it out of your tool box when everyone in your house is crying, screaming or yelling over something, the dog is barking, the phone is ringing, the toilet is overflowing and you are at your wit’s end.  I have seen parents who have walked into the backyard or the bathroom and pulled the door shut for a few moments just so they could calm down enough to not spank or hit their child.   I applaud them.   It can take a long time to change your own behavior.  You are worth it to learn how to change and acquire new tools for your parenting.

Parenting requires a great deal of inner work, and some of the qualities that parenting best develops within ourselves seems to take a long time to mature.  But, as Becky Bailey writes in her book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, “Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve.” 

Keep your compass on that guiding star of alternatives to punishment,  and keep reminding yourself that gentle discipline is worth it as you strive to keep not only a peaceful home, a home where you set the tone, but to teach your children skills they can use for their whole life.

Our next post in this series will take a look at how some parents have fallen into the hole of permissive parenting and reasoning with small children and then we will finally look at creating a roadmap for gentle discipline within your own home.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Gentle Discipline as Authentic Leadership

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“From infancy on, children need loving guidance which reflects acceptance of their capabilities and sensitivity to their feelings.”  THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, published by La Leche League International.

“In practice, gentle discipline means making mistakes, working with your own anger, and growing as a person.”  (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, pageXXii).

“We would like to think that children learn the civilizing virtues- caring, compassion, consideration- simply by our good example, but most children need a little more than that. A clear definition of acceptable behavior, our expectation that they can meet the standard, and periodic guidance when they stray- all of these are necessary…..Guiding our children-lovingly-is an important part of caring for them and helping them to be loving and lovable to people within our families and beyond.” (THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, page 256-7).

“Gentle discipline means, quite simply, placing empathy and respect at the very center of your parenting.”  (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 3).

Okay, quick!  When I say the phrase, “Gentle Discipline” what comes into your mind – the first thing? No censoring!  For many of us, gentle discipline equates with permissiveness and the thought of a Kids Gone Wild Video!  For others of us, gentle discipline equates with being the parent, who, for lack of better phrasing, is the “valium parent” –you know, the parent who never raises their voice, the parent who is always calm and composed.  “Okay, you just pierced your little brother’s nose with a screwdriver in the garage?  Okaaaay, maybe next time you should ask before you do that!”

Maybe some of us are sad when we hear this phrase, because we would like to not be yelling at our children, or hitting our children, but we are not sure what other tools we have in our toolbox to use.

What if I told you I see gentle discipline in a completely different light?

Many parents equate discipline to punishment.  My Webster’s Dictionary defines discipline some other ways, including as “instruction”; “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”.  I love the idea of discipline being a way to guide or lead a child.  There are consequences to the behaviors we choose as individuals, but many times we punish children for being in a developmentally normal state.

Eda LeShan, in her wonderful article, “Please Don’t Hit Your Kids”, published in Mothering Magazine in Spring of 1996, writes:  “We actually tend to hit children who are behaving normally.  A two year old bites because he doesn’t yet know better ways to deal with problems.  A five year old steals crayons at school because five is too young to control the impulse to take what she wants when she wants it.  A 10 year old lies about having joined some friends in teasing a newcomer at school, since at this age it’s normal to want social approval more than fairness.  It takes many years to learn self-restraint.  This is not a crime.  And making children feel guilty and bad doesn’t solve the problem.  What is called for is help in making retribution, having adults explain why such behavior must be overcome.”

Guiding with loving firmness.  THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, page 257 states: “Discipline is a much maligned word, often associated with punishment and deprivation. Yet discipline actually refers to the guidance which we as parents lovingly give our children to help them do the right things for the right reasons- to help them grow into secure, happy, and loving persons able to step out in to the world with confidence in their own ability to succeed in whatever they set out to do.”

“Bear in mind that to say children are equally deserving of dignity and respect does not have to mean that the relationship itself is of equal power. As a parent, you have a broader view and more life experience to draw from, and these are assets you bring to the child as his adult caretaker. You also bear more responsibility for choices surrounding your child than he does.” (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 11).

So, there is another oft-maligned word that  I believe needs to be attached to the idea of discipline as a way to guide a child – and that word is AUTHORITY.  Authority is a word that leaves a bad taste in many parents’ mouths.  “Authority?  We don’t need any of that here!  Our home is not a police state!”

Well, when I looked up authority in my Webster’s Dictionary, it said that authority is “a citation from a book or file used in defense or support”, “a decision taken as a precedent”, or finally, “power to influence or command thought, opinion or behavior.”   Influencing my child’s behavior is part of my job as a parent, but I felt it did not get across everything I wanted to say in this situation.  Then I noticed that authority and the word a few entries above, authentic, share the same root.  The dictionary says that authentic is “authoritative” and “worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to fact of reality:TRUSTWORTHY.”

So, perhaps you could view your path in gentle discipline as a way to authentically guide your child.  You, as a trustworthy, authoritative guide.

Truly AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP.  In the next few posts, we will be taking a look at spanking and yelling, what tools we can use in our gentle toolbox to replace these, and what wonderful ways an understanding of child development encourages us to be an authentic leader for our child.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Pregnancy is Preparation of the Soul – Part 3 of 3

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This last step is one of the most important things to think about, especially in our society where children seem almost instantly “grown-up”:

Look at how your views regarding children and talk about them with your partner. I believe the child comes into life on earth slowly and there are things appropriate for one stage of child development that are not appropriate for a different stage. What are your thoughts and feelings about how children differ when they are just born, six months of age, a year old, two years old, nine years old?   We seem to be living in a very fact-based world where small children are met with facts and information from an early age on.  What would you tell a two year old, a five year old, a twelve year old about a particular subject? These are hard things to ponder when your child is not even born yet, but interesting and important questions nonetheless.   Go to the park and watch children of different ages if you have not been around a lot of children. Attend mother’s groups. Get to know the children in your neighborhood and their ages and how they act. This can be very eye-opening indeed and prepare you for some of the developmental stages that lie ahead.  Many mothers and families who have small children often feel that when their child is seven or eight or whatever the next age is, that the child will be very grown up and much more mature than they are now.  Your child is growing, but there are still developmental changes happening all the way through the cycle of life – even to us!

Many women and their spouses focus, and rightly so, on the physical preparation required for pregnancy and birth. However, the soul and the spirit of transitioning into this new role of parenting is one that deserves focus as well. Birth is but the beginning of parenting, much the way there is an entire life of marriage after the wedding.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

A Poetic Interlude…..

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This is a poem written by my little first grader, in her second month of school (complete with all lack of silent letters for your reading pleasure):

The Flowers and Pumpkins

Ther’s larkspur, rose, baby’s breth too.

My mom likes ice plants, how about you?

My dad says daisys are such a frigt –

Much to a witch’s deligt.

My sister thinks pansies are great!

I say, c’mon, it’s fall!

Let’s talk about pumpkins, ok, let’s go!

First mom, then sis, then finally Dad says

Pumpkin time!  And we get in the car

And drive away.

Pregnancy is Preparation of the Soul – Part 2 of 3

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 Here are some more ways to delve deeper into the transition of the heart and soul of mothering.  The hyperlinked book titles will take you into Amazon in case you want to check out some of these wonderful books for yourself.

3.  Investigate how you and your partner may handle such things as increased errands due to the baby, increased financial costs with possibly a loss of one salary, household chores and really talk about these things. It is hard to pinpoint everything before your baby arrives – babies come with their own unique personalities and temperaments, but these things are worth thinking about and attempting to plan a bit! Many mothers who are transitioning to staying at home from a full-time career have a thought that their home will be perfectly clean, that they will have time to exercise and greet their husband with a warm dinner every night, and are shocked when they find it difficult to find the time to take a shower. Talking about things ahead of time can at least get you thinking.

4.  Cultivate optimism , humor, and flexibility in yourself. These are essential tools in parenting. Look within yourself and see what areas you would like to work on as you will be modeling human emotion and interaction for your child as they learn about their world for the very first time. How do you handle stress or boredom? Do you have difficulty sitting still or difficulty getting outside and moving around? The height of imitative behavior is in the early years, so concentrate on having worthy things to show your child to imitate.

5.  Learn all you can about breastfeeding and infant massage. The baby’s first well-developed senses include sensation through the skin and the use of the olfactory system. Rahima Baldwin Dancy writes in her book You Are Your Child’s First Teacher:

“Compared with other cultures, Americans are touch-deprived. Cross-cultural studies have shown that the United States has one of the lowest rates of casual touch in the world – about two times an hour- compared with Puerto Ricans who have one of the highest rates, about 180 times an hour. Studies showed that French parents touch their children three times more often than American parents.”

Sobering but true facts in our society that so value independence instead of interdependence.

The benefits of breastfeeding are too long to list in this post! However, in general, breastfeeding offers protection from disease, promotes a sense of safety and security in the baby with bonding between mother and baby, promotes optimal facial and jaw development, provides neuro-protection and promotes optimal intelligence. Breastfeeding is also a natural part of a woman’s passage from menstruation, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and menopause with health benefits for the mother. To learn more about breastfeeding, please see La Leche League at www.llli.org and view all the wonderful resources there. Attend a meeting of your local La Leche League group to learn more.

My favorite books about breastfeeding include The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, Jack Newman’s The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers, and the book Breastfeeding Made Simple: Seven Natural Laws for Nursing Mothers by Nancy Mohrbacher and Kathleen Kendall-Tackett. Law Number Two of the Seven Natural Laws is “Mother’s Body is Baby’s Natural Habitat.” Chapter 2 of this book and the explanation of the animal studies, effects of skin –to- skin contact after birth, how skin –to- skin contact works, and the long-term effects of touch are just riveting. Every new mother should read this book!

A wonderful read on the importance of infant massage and how to do it is Vimala McClure’s book Infant Massage: A Handbook for Loving Parents. She talks about how the first language for a baby is done through the baby’s skin. She also discusses the debate regarding “infant stimulation” – such as the use of recorded noise, black and white images and other stimulation.

She writes in one thought-provoking passage, “Our great concern about our children’s ability to compete on intelligence tests can drive us to accept programs that may or may not be valuable and that may in fact be detrimental to a child’s long-range emotional and spiritual development.”

While graded developmental stimulation may be of use with children who are not developing normally, the healthy, full term baby is well-supported by giving him or her your touch, your face for them to look at, your singing voice, a calm, peaceful environment and your body as their habitat in which to grow.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Pregnancy is Preparation of the Soul – Part 1 of 3

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Joan Salter, founder and director of The Gabriel Baby Centre in Melbourne, Australia writes in her book  Incarnating Child,

“The mother-to-be often feels obliged to continue at work right up to the last month. There are financial obligations to be met- the mortgage on the house, payment on the car, and the cost of equipment for the baby. These are pressing demands which necessitate two incomes for as long as possible. The morning rush, evening tiredness, and the demands of the work situation all take their toll of subtle inner stirrings.”

“It was not so for the previous generations. Then, the mother-to-be remained at home. There was knitting to be done, baby’s clothes to stitch, blankets to embroider. Friends called to admire the layette, to enthuse over Grandma’s hand-knitted shawl, to bring a gift, to share the growing anticipation.

This was much more than a time for collecting baby’s clothes; it was also a significant soul preparation.”

What a lovely way to think about pregnancy: soul preparation. While we cannot return to the years gone by, here are some suggestions for the preparation part of pregnancy.

  1. Think about ways to connect to your unborn baby that feel comfortable to you. We have all heard stories of women who did not know they were pregnant until they went into labor – the ultimate body-mind disconnect! Let your unborn child know how much you love him or her from the beginning. I suggest active ways to do this could include such things as talking to your unborn baby, singing to your unborn baby, massaging your pregnant belly, visualizing your baby, meditating on your unborn baby. Be assured this baby is a miracle. Christiane Northrup writes in her wonderful book Mother-Daughter Wisdom: Understanding the Crucial Link Between Mothers, Daughters, and Health,

“Regardless of the circumstances of your conception, be assured that your existence is a miracle. The odds against any one of us being born are staggeringly high. Your mother’s body had tens of thousands of eggs to choose from. Only one of them ripened the month you were conceived. That egg accepted just one of the millions of sperm available to her from your father at that moment. Then, guided by biology, destiny, and your soul qualities, the embryo that was you had to make it through the multiple stages of development necessary to launch your unique life into being. For a variety of reasons- genetic, environmental, or a combination of both- most conceptions never reach maturation. Of the relatively few eggs that do get fertilized, 80 percent never make it to the embryonic stage. The statistical probability of a particular egg and a particular sperm coming together to create the unique human that you are is infinitesimally small. On a soul level, of course, statistics mean nothing. If a creation or individual is destined to be born, it will happen. I’ve seen this repeatedly. Babies get conceived under mysterious circumstances in which conception is considered biologically impossible or highly improbable.”

2. Think about how you and your partner communicate with each other. You may consider such groups as The Center for NonViolent Communication for further information. See www.cnvc.org to get started. Changing from being a couple to being responsible for a baby who is completely dependent upon both of you for everything is exciting and wonderful but can also have challenging moments. Communication between you and your partner is one key in making this transition as wonderful as possible. Think about how you will invest in each other as your roles change and grow. Make a commitment to grow together!

More ways to connect to unborn baby and the experience of mothering with heart and soul to follow!

Parenting As Partners

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Today’s post is more for the mothers in the audience.  I just finished reading Master Waldorf Teacher Jack Petrash’s “Navigating the Terrain of Childhood.” It is a lovely book in which he equates childhood development to driving across the United States and seeing the sights and provides many insights. In the chapter entitled, “The Challenge of Driving – Together and Alone,” he writes: “Both marriage and parenting are transformational undertakings. To successfully grow and work together, it is essential that we remain open to learning. In particular, we have to be willing to learn from our spouse. Contained in their perspective is a point of view that completes and enhances our own.”

Yes, this is the challenging thing about parenting, is it not? When there are two of you, you both have to parent like it!  One cannot make all the decisions unilaterally, decisions within a household need to be made as a team and with a bigger focus in mind.  Once you have been involved in parenting long enough, there probably will be instances where you feel regretful about the way one thing or another was handled (either the way you handled it or the way your partner handled it).  The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and go on – the children do go on, they really do a much better job of it than we do!

One thing I can offer is to be as compassionate and easy with yourself and your partner as possible.  We so often expect “perfect parenting” out of ourselves and our loved ones, often with the notion that if we do everything right, then our children will “turn out right”. Yet there are essential differences between mothering and fathering, between men and women, and a child reaps a truly positive advantage by being exposed to both.

Yet, there are often challenges for fathering just as there are in mothering. Fathers often do not have the same support network we have developed, they often have less moments and occasions of interactions with the children than we do and therefore the situation may be newer to them, they often have not read as much and obsessed as much as we do!  On top of it, they have work stress, commuting stress, and switching gears from office politics toward dealing with wee ones can be tough. They themselves may be the only dad they know parenting the way they do – which may bother them (or not). When I remember all the things my spouse is dealing with that I am not, it helps me to see he needs me to also consider him. His needs and feelings are also valid and while we so often put our children first, our spouses cannot be last. Knowing your husband’s temperament is also a huge help. For example, when his need for peace is not being met, is it likely he will take it in stride or is it likely he will yell? Is he a person that is passionate and highly reactive to things or does he see the world calmly and evenly?  How was he parented as a child? Who are his role models for fathering? Does he have any?

Knowing these things about each other can help sustain an alliance of sound parenting as partners. While hopefully you both are on the same page about the big things, there should be a difference between the way you handle something and your husband handles something because you are different people. Some parents sit down and write parenting mission statements. Some parents talk about the qualities they hope to see in their grown-up children and use that to guide their decision-making in the childhood years. If you have adjusted your rhythm to having your small children in bed early, then you hopefully have the time to talk to your partner regarding your children and discuss issues and challenges ahead of time so you are both a little more prepared and can act as a united force within your home. Perhaps you can map out how to respond to things gently and with love, with humor. Perhaps you can just spend time together and put love, time and tenderness into your Marital Bank Account. If you put nothing into your marriage, your partner may be reacting to that issue even more than to whatever behavior your child is currently exhibiting! Parents who are true partners, lovers and friends have a much better chance of being on the same disciplinary page than those spouses who never see each other and never have time to talk. There are stages of development in a marriage, just like the stages of development our children go through. Just as we would never leave our small children to figure out everything on their own, we should not leave our marriage to just “be” with no thought or investment.

This sounds so old-fashioned, but taking care of your husband is really important.  If your husband feels like he is always last on the family list, he may feel unloved and grouchy and this can come out within family interactions.  Our hormones change with pregnancy and breastfeeding; a man’s hormones do not drastically change with advent into fatherhood and so the way they handle life and situations can be the same as it always was with no relaxing hormonal influence!

Pointing out all the things your spouse does right helps too – I love the creative way you handled that with the kids!  I wouldn’t have thought of that!  And be sincere and mean the good things, the positive things and focus on those. I think most dads who are involved do want to do things right, so to speak, and love to hear when something they have done has met the needs for the whole family.   And quite frankly, (I am thinking especially of high needs children here), some children just require more from both parents, and it can be difficult when the dads have to actually do a lot of the parenting and be consistently creative and compassionate.  They are being stretched and made to grow as fathers and human beings.  I think in those cases, for both parents to look at the children while they are asleep and see how truly small and innocent they are is helpful.  Part of being human is we try, and we all make mistakes, but hopefully we try again and again to help guide our children and our ourselves along this journey.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Fostering Creative Play

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“If you constantly entertain your child, you will be giving her the false impression that the world exists for her own pleasure and that she is without resources of her own. This is bound to cause difficulties later. Furthermore, boredom is a wonderful impetus to creativity and resourcefulness. If a child is always provided with activities and play ideas she will not have a chance to be attuned to her own fantasy life, to play out her own inner world. This is a great loss, which will have later implications for her ability to think creatively and independently.”
-From the book In A Nutshell: Dialogues With Parents At Acorn Hill, page 63.

Play is the work of a small child.

Ways to Foster Creative Play

  • less toys!
  • think about how to arrange the toys you do have to make them inviting for play – scenarios, grouping similar toys in a basket, making sure every toy has a home
  • arrange little scenes for your child to play with
  • have areas of play in your home – a kitchen area, a workbench, a doll corner, an area for painting, coloring and crafts
  • have dress up clothes available
  • have baskets of natural objects available – rocks, shells, pinecones, walnuts, chestnuts
  • try making several stand up dolls (no arms or legs). You can find instructions in Toymaking With Children and The Children’s Year.  Have dolls and doll accessories – a soft cloth doll with limited facial features is lovely.  
  • Have knitted or felt animals available, preferably ones you make yourself
  • Think about outside play – sandbox, swing, slide, climbing dome, balancing board, hills, secret spots in the yard
  • Most of all, engage in meaningful activity the child can imitate.  If you are busy with things around your house in a purposeful way – baking, gardening, cleaning carefully, washing and ironing these are the things your child will demonstrate in play.

Thoughts on Challenging Developmental Stages

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Dr. William Sears frequently discusses “the high-needs child” in his library of books – he even has an entire book devoted to this very subject. This is a post listing suggestions and options to consider when your child, high-needs or not, is going through a more challenging phase of development. Pick and choose what resonates with you and your family.

For any particular situation or challenging time-

1. Always check what developmental phase child is in – is it a typical time of separation anxiety? Teething? Rule out anything else possible going on – beginnings of getting sick?   Throw in some teething, feeling puny, hungry, tired and there you go.  More cling than Saran-Wrap!  But at least you know where your child is developmentally, (hopefully!) you know your child’s temperament, you know what is normal for this age and can better figure out how to meet your child’s needs where he or she is……

Now, knowing the cause or that this phase may pass does NOT mean to just let the behavior go necessarily…The behavior still needs to be addressed, but you can still do it with a loving firmness, a loving kindness in your calm way. There will be more posts in the future about the subject of Authentic Leadership for your child.

2.  Next, always check where you are – what are your needs?  I think behind any feelings there is a need.  You are feeling (anxious, irritated, fill in the blank ??) because you have a need for ________ (solitude? peace? to be unhurried and unrushed?) You are feeling tired from work, from parenting?  Self -empathy can be very powerful!  I have a list of quick things that put me in a better frame of mind – self-empathy, certain music, hidden chocolate stash, just deep breathing, calling a friend..

Inner work is the hallmark of parenting. Some parents chose to work on inner development through something like meditation, Tai Chi, yoga, visualization or prayer.  I am a Christian, so I work on my personal development through my religious life.   If you don’t feel you have any time to devote to this, try just setting a timer for five minutes at the beginning and end of the day to just breathe and go from there.

3. Once you know where your child is, and where you are, you can formulate a plan.  Like so many things in life, it can be your reaction – meaning this:

Example 1 – My kids are playing well together whipping up a pretend gourmet feast.  I am cleaning, and I feel thrilled they are playing well together!  I am getting so much done!

Example 2 – My kids are playing well together whipping up a pretend gourmet feast.  We have to leave the house in 10 minutes!  I feel anxious and upset.  We are going to be late!

See what I mean?

Sooo, if you check in with your child (not by asking them directly!! – just watching them and thinking!) and if you check in with yourself and it is not meshing well, formulate a plan.  Rhythm is such a powerful help at these times (at all times, but especially in these times!). Hopefully you have established awake times, meal times, nap times and bed times, along with getting outside every day and special things you do each day of the week…Rhythms of the day, the week and the year can be a huge help in carrying your little ones over the rough spots. Other things that provide much help includes spending lots of time outside in nature and not scheduling many days out of the house. Small children thrive on being at home!

4.  One thing I found very helpful was to cultivate as much as possible, a “peaceful, matter-of-fact mother hen kind of energy”, as Donna Simmons (www.christopherushomeschool.org) describes in some of her work. I have another wise cyber-friend from Donna Simmons’ Internet Waldorf Discussion Forum who calls this being “ho-hum”………. Just because your child’s small planet is spinning out of control for the moment, you can just HOLD THE SPACE.  If you meet intensity with intensity, then we are all swimming in intensity.  Hold the space!  Being matter of fact with as few words as possible does really help – sing songs for your transitions – have songs for tooth brushing and a song for getting shoes on. Use your sense of humor and playfulness, but demonstrate what to do and use less words!

Also, it bears note that gentle parenting does not require you to play cruise director all day long. If you have a good rhythm established, your home child be a peaceful place where your child is included and loved, but you are doing much of your own work – washing, cleaning, gardening, baking, and your child can choose to participate with you or to play by you. It is not up to you to be a playmate all day long. You can always start setting something up, such as a play scene or pretend cooking while you are baking and many times your child will pick it up and go with the play you have provided.

5.  FOR THE “HIGH-NEEDS CHILD” — It bears repeating that a truly higher-needs infant, toddler or child really do want a rhythm to his or her day that she can count on and hang his or her hat on.  Getting up at the same time every day. diaper changing/bathroom for me. breakfast. outside. diaper changing/bathroom, snack. story time and fingerplays…

To me, one of the hallmarks of the high-needs child is IRREGULARITY. These are the children that find it difficult to eat at the same time and have a nap or go to sleep. I frequently joke when my oldest was little that she would be great in a career where it required one to stay up at night – all night disc jockey? ER physician?

I also think it is important for you to model for your child times of rest – not times when you are on the computer, but truly a time of rest when you close your eyes and just be. It is important for the “high-needs” child to hear and see that it is okay to relax and rest.

6. Finally, the whole balance thing: something for you alone is important,  A girl movie cued up and ready to go the moment your child is asleep.  The phone buddy support person.  Many of us are searching to create a community we can count on, one in accordance with our needs to treat our children with respect and dignity.  Support from your spouse or significant other is also important. Alone is hard, but a community is a lifesaver!

Many blessings,

Carrie