Author Archives: Carrie

The Snazzy Six-Year-Old

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Ah, six.  The beginning of the six/seven year transformation as described in Waldorf circles, and judged even by traditional childhood development experts as the age that is completely different than the other ages before it.

This is also the age where many parents I have spoken with feel a bit of despair, as if all of their good parenting up until this point was in vain, because now their six-year-old is “defiant”, “physically aggressive”, “mouthy and disrespectful”, “good in school but terrible at home”, “drama over everything and anything”.  Tensional outlets, sexual play and the ilk that signifies significant disequilibrium is back, only it seems worse to parents at this point because after all, six is the age of schooling and being grown-up, not like when the child was two or four.

Hhhmmm.

I urge you to strongly consider six the way Waldorf circles view the age of six – a transitional phase as the child moves into the grades at school and into a new seven-year-cycle.  I urge you to look carefully at the traditional and anthroposophical behavioral characteristics of this age so you do not over- react to this age.

Let’s start with a quick quote from The Gesell Institute’s “Your Six-Year-Old”:

“Your typical Six-year-old is a paradoxical little person, and bipolarity is the name of his game.  Whatever he does, he does the opposite just as readily.  In fact, sometimes just the choice of some certain object or course of action immediately triggers an overpowering need for its opposite.

The Six-year-old is wonderfully complex and intriguing, but life can be complicated for him at times, and what he needs most in the world is parents who understand him.  For Six is not just bigger and better than Five. He is almost entirely different.  He is different because he is changing, and changing rapidly.  Though many of the changes are for the good – he is, obviously, growing more mature, more independent, more daring, more adventurous- this is not necessarily an easy time for the child.”

Typical Developmental Characteristics of the Six-Year-Old, Traditional Perspective

  • Usually ambivalent, wants two opposite things and cannot make up mind
  • Frequent reversals of numbers and letters (The Gesell Institute says that six is NOT the age to do formal teaching of reading at home or at school.  So why the United States school system is so heavily focused on this, I do not know!)
  • Stubborn, hard to make up his mind about things but once his mind is made up it is difficult to get child to change his mind
  • Adores his mother, but at the same time,when things go wrong it is usually Mother’s fault and the Six year-old will take out everything on their Mother.
  • The child is now the center of their own universe; the Mother is not the center of the child’s universe – the six-year-old wants to be close to Mother but at the same time wants to be independent so there is conflict, ambivalence in this relationship but also increased growth and maturity
  • The Six-year-old wants to win, wants to have everything
  • Worries about everything as he moves to be separate from his mother
  • Can be violent, loud, demanding, expects perfection from parents – but not to be “bad”, mainly because he is anxious to be first, to be loved the most, to be the best. (In other words, a very insecure age).
  • Insecure, and high emotional needs.
  • Cannot bear to accept criticism, or bear to lose.  Very small failures, small comments or criticisms hurt them deeply.
  • Cries a lot about physical hurts.
  • Lots of enthusiasm, loves to ask questions, loves to be read to.
  • Can be very happy, warm, full of laughs and smiles.

TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE SIX-AND-A-HALF To SEVEN-YEAR-OLD, TRADITIONAL PERSPECTIVE

  • Increased equilibrium
  • Lively intellectuality
  • Amusing, has a good sense of humor
  • “A certain maturity”
  • Loves new places, new things, new ideas
  • Enjoys life

 

Many parents I have spoken with found early six to be fine, and some of the characteristics that the Gesell Institute describes not to come in until six-and-a-half.  Like so many things in life, your child’s own individuality plays into all this.

Some Further Characteristics of the Six-Year-Old:

TEACHERS:  If the child attends school, the teacher is well-liked, well-respected, what the teacher does is right,  typically the child behaves well in school (but may fall apart at home).

SIBLINGS:  Most six-year-olds are  not at their best with younger siblings.  May enjoy teaching a younger sibling things, but overall may be very competitive, combative (I personally think though that this has much to do with the age of the younger child, although Gesell does not seem to take this into account).  Tends to be very jealous of any attention or objects given a brother or sister.  May argue, tease, bully, frighten, torment, get angry or hit siblings, according to The Gesell Institute.

FRIENDS:  Friends mean a lot to children of this age, but again, it is often hard for the six-year-old to get along with friends.  “Children of this age tend to be very aggressive both verbally and physically.  They are also quarrelsome, belligerent, boisterous, argumentative, excitable, emotional.”  Six wants to “boss and win.”  Usually very little sense of humor with their friends, finds it hard to forgive.

EATING:  May stuff mouth with food, talk with mouth full, grab for food, knock over his milk, dribble, kick chair leg, teeter and totter in chair, fall off chair.

Tends to eat very slowly, but likes to eat and may eat all day long.

SLEEPING: Usually goes to bed well, naps are done, child ready for bed by seven o-clock or eight o’clock according to Gesell Institute.  Most sleep through night well.

TENSIONAL OUTLETS:  At a high:  wriggling, kicking, and swinging arms, sharp verbal comments to outright temper tantrums. Biting and tearing of fingernails, scratching, grimacing, grinding teeth, chewing pencils, nose picking are all common tensional outlets as well.  Child is generally restless,

HEALTH/PHYSICAL ABILITIES:  Child suddenly very clumsy.  May have many complaints about physical health, even when not sick.  Allergies are high, mucous membranes are frequently sensitive and inflamed, communicable diseases are at a high, scalp very sensitive to brushing, child tires easily and fatigues easily.  Baby teeth may fall out and secondary teeth may come in.

SEX PLAY:  Also at a high, just like at age four.

SENSITIVITY TO CLOTHES:  Usually peaking at six and seven years of age.

That’s a quick view of child development at this age from the Gesell book; there is much more in this book and I highly recommend you buy this book and have it on your bookshelf for reference.  It can be found very cheaply used on Amazon and it well worth the price!

Our next posts will look at the anthroposophic view of the six-year-old and then at how to have a peaceful life with a six-year-old, and what homeschooling a six-year-old in Waldorf homeschool kindergarten may look like.

Happy reading until next time,

Carrie

Teaching A Foreign Language in Waldorf Homeschool

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In most Waldorf schools, two languages are started in Kindergarten.  Many times the two languages taught are languages that are in linguistic opposition so to speak, for example,  a Romance Language and a Germanic language other than English, or a Romance Language and a Slavic Language.

This is a link that discusses the cognitive and academic benefits to learning a foreign language:

http://www.utm.edu/departments/french/flsat.html

This talks directly about that memory storage theory (and debunks it).  It also looks at current research, including the fact that kids who know a foreign language score higher in the SAT’s, typically do better in mathematics. actually have  (good) changes in the grey matter of the brain and that people who know foreign languages may be less likely to develop Alzheimer’s…

Interesting stuff with lots of links to research.

In our family, many of our friends are European and all of them speak 3 or 4 languages – Dutch, Greek, French, German, English.  We also have many friends who speak Spanish and English.  Languages are important in our family, I guess because of all of our family friends and because my husband has lived all over the world when he was growing up – Korea, Germany.  He is still  pretty much is open to moving anywhere in the world. 

I do speak Spanish, not like a native, but enough to communicate,  read, negotiate services I need, talk to my patients and friends…not fluent, but probably a high medium kind of speaker.  However, we still have a Spanish tutor for our children. The tutor is a completely native speaker and fluent.  This is very important because while I can read to my children in Spanish and such, there are so many of the idioms and sayings that I just plain miss because I am not a native speaker.

Sometimes  if there is a homeschooling group of ANY kind in your area, those mothers may have connections to either teachers who will tutor homeschoolers.  One other place to look is to see what is the immigrant population or  heritage of the people in the town you live in is….Swedish?
Italian? German?  Perhaps there is someone within your community who would be willing to teach your child songs, verses or tell stories within any foreign language.  Is there a church in your town which holds services in another language?  That also gives you a clue as to what foreign languages you may be able to connect into where you live.

Sometimes if there is a large enough group of people in one place who speak a certain language, they may start a language/cultural center.  In my town, which is large, there is a Chinese school, a Japanese school, a Dutch school, a Swedish school, a Finnish playgroup, lots of opportunities for Spanish, at least for the pre-kindy crowd, a French school, a Russian school and a German school.  There probably are even more populations and schools than even I am aware of at this point. Even  if you do not want your child to attend the school, it may be a place  to start to see if anyone can tutor. Talk to the potential tutor  ahead of time, and explain your curriculum so they understand if they  need to bring songs and verses and stories with props or
what…Waldorf may be new to them!

Spanish is obviously a functional language in our country (USA) but
learning ANY language helps activate that part of the brain, leads to
greater cultural awareness and can spark interest in other
languages. My oldest daughter is very aware of people
speaking other languages and now she listens and wants to know what
language they speak and if she can learn that one as well!

Tutors may not be as unaffordable as you think; and I also know moms
who have worked out trades for tutoring. I also know moms who
instead of or as a holiday gift asked family members to cover
tutoring for them for a month or a certain number of months.
Typically the after school or Saturday language schools are not that
expensive for the whole year (comparatively).

The other thing to consider is while sometimes one language sounds
daunting enough, learning two languages that are rather opposite is
really great. My oldest is learning Spanish and German and they
really are nice complements – a Romance Language and a Germanic
language and I feel it will be easy for her to slide into other
Romance languages and even into the Slovak languages.   

There are many wonderful languages – African languages, Romance
languages, Germanic languages…..Sometimes I think we get stuck on
Spanish (which that would be nice to learn because of the
functionality), but there may be resources for something else in your
area as well.  Keep an open mind and see what you can find – you may be able to find for your child not only a person who can provide your child with the wonderful gift of multiple languages, but also with the great cultural awareness that we are all global neighbors.

Yours until next time,

Carrie

Childbirth in “Consumer Reports”

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This came across another list I am on, and it is so important that I wanted to share it with you all.  Please pass the permalink for this post on to any expectant families you know.

Article in “Consumer Reports” about Childbirth

http://www.consumerreports.org/health/medical-conditions-treatments/pregnancy-childbirth/maternity-care/overview/maternity-care.htm

Back to basics for safer childbirth

Too many doctors and hospitals are overusing high-tech procedures

Noninvasive measures can mean better outcomes for baby and Mom.

When it’s time to bring a new baby into the world, there’s a lot to be said for letting nature take the lead. The normal, hormone-driven changes in the body that naturally occur during delivery can optimize infant health and encourage the easy establishment and continuation of breastfeeding and mother-baby attachment. Childbirth without technical intervention can succeed in leading to a good outcome for mother and child, according to a new report. (Take our maternity-care quiz to test your knowledge:  “Evidence-Based Maternity Care: What It Is and What It Can Achieve”).

Co-authors Carol Sakala and Maureen P. Corry of the nonprofit Childbirth Connection analyzed hundreds of the most recent studies and systematic reviews of maternity care. The 70-page report was issued collaboratively by Childbirth Connection, the Reforming States Group (a voluntary association of state-level health policymakers), and Milbank Memorial Fund, and released on Oct. 8, 2008.

OVERUSE OF HIGH-TECH MEASURES

The report found that, in the U.S., too many healthy women with low- risk pregnancies are being routinely subjected to high-tech or invasive interventions that should be reserved for higher-risk pregnancies. Such measures include:

• Inducing labor. The percentage of women whose labor was induced more than doubled between 1990 and 2005

• Use of epidural painkillers, which might cause adverse effects, including rapid fetal heart rate and poor performance on newborn assessment tests

• Delivery by Caesarean section, which is estimated to account for one-third of all U.S births in 2008, which far exceed the World Health Organization’s recommended national rate of 5 to 10 percent

• Electronic fetal monitoring, unnecessarily adding to delivery costs

• Rupturing membranes (“breaking the waters”), intending to hasten onset of labor

• Episiotomy, which is often unnecessary. 

In fact, the current style of maternity care is so procedure-intensive that 6 of the 15 most common hospital procedures used in the entire U.S. are related to childbirth. Although most childbearing women in this country are healthy and at low risk for childbirth complications, national surveys reveal that essentially all women who give birth in U.S. hospitals have high rates of use of complex interventions, with risks of adverse effects.

The reasons for this overuse might have more to do with profit and liability issues than with optimal care, the report points out.

Hospitals and care providers can increase their insurance reimbursements by administering costly high-tech interventions rather than just watching, waiting, and shepherding the natural process of childbirth.

Convenience for health care workers and patients might be another factor. Naturally occurring labor is not limited to typical working hours. Evidence also shows that a disproportionate amount of tech- driven interventions like Caesarean sections occur during weekday “business hours,” rather than at night, on weekends, or on holidays.

UNDERUSE OF HIGH-TOUCH, NONINVASIVE MEASURES

Many practices that have been proven effective and do little to no harm are underused in today’s maternity care for healthy low-risk women. They include:

• Prenatal vitamins

• Use of midwife or family physician

• Continuous presence of a companion for the mother during labor

• Upright and side-lying positions during labor and delivery, which are associated with less severe pain than lying down on one’s back

• Vaginal birth (VBAC) for most women who have had a previous Caesarean section

• Early mother-baby skin-to-skin contact.

The study suggests that those and other low-cost, beneficial practices are not routinely practiced for several reasons, including limited scope for economic gain, lack of national standards to measure providers’ performance, and a medical tradition that doesn’t prioritize the measurement of adverse effects, or take them into account.

Please go to the link to access the article, and please pass this information.  Let’s change the climate of childbirth in this country!

Thanks to you all,

Carrie

More Thoughts About Waldorf Kindergarten At Home

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Some mothers who have been feeling overwhelmed in their attempt to create a Waldorf Kindergarten at home have contacted me.  I have a few thoughts on this subject.

First of all, while circle time is the heart of the Waldorf Kindergarten in a Waldorf School, I feel the heart of the Waldorf Kindergarten homeschooling experience is often the practical work we do in our homes and with our children.  To me, it is much more important to work on the rhythm of your day and your week first.  What day do you garden? What day do you bake or cook something special?  What day do you do housekeeping?

Someone asked me if regular, mundane housework was what the children were being called to participate in.  I could only share my own experience with her.  When I started trying to commit to doing things on certain days, I started with washing one day and ironing the next.  And what I discovered is that even having the children assist in sorting clothes, carrying clothes, putting clothes into the washer, hanging clothes up to dry, ironing – was just not riveting to my children, even with singing and verses involved and child-sized ironing  boards and whatnot. They would be off playing (or more often than not, rolling in all the clean laundry I was trying to fold and iron :)).  For some Waldorf families, washing and ironing works well as a weekly activity – for us it did not.  Does this mean I stopped washing and ironing? No, it just means I include it more in our daily chores that I do after breakfast – where the kids can join in if they want  or just play.

The work we do as part of the Kindergarten I do try to make special and I try to hook them in.  This may look different from family to family.  However, if you light a candle in the morning with a verse and then blow it out and do your work – whatever that may be- with a song or a story while you are doing it, and giving them opportunities to help – you may find things go better.  You will find what resonates with your own children.  In our family, we have devised weeks  where our activities by day  were wet-on-wet watercolor painting, bread baking or cooking something special, arts and crafts or festival preparation, gardening (always with stories, songs, and something a child would be more interested in than just pulling weeds for two hours!), housekeeping. This is separate from the daily chores we do around the house and yard.  Again, each family will find their own activities and what works for them may also change as their children age.

Second of all, these mothers were going nuts trying to piece together verses and stories.  I explained my thought would be to simplify.  Pick three fingerplays that reflect something going on in the seasons and stick to those for a whole month.  Have one song you learn together for the whole month that reflects something seasonal.  Pick a story and tell it for a whole month.

We recently did the story “Why the Evergreen Leaves Don’t Lose Their Leaves” for a whole month.  I just told it whenever we had story time, so perhaps three to four times a week.  However, we did lots of different things with the story to bring it to life.  We played the part of the bird and hopped around how we thought a bird with a broken wing would hop around.  We stuck green silks on our heads and played the different parts of the different trees in the story. We made birds out of beeswax to sit in a nest.  We made trees out of air-drying clay.  We took nature walks and looked for nests in the bare trees.  My oldest played her pennywhistle for the part of the wind as we added details about the weather in the story (which coincidentally reflected the weather we were experiencing outside.  Hhhmmm, how did that happen?).  We added repetitive phrases in that echoed throughout the story so by the end of the month my Kindergartner could say this phrase at the right points in the story.  We made up a song to sing as the bird walked.  We were never tired of this story,and many of these ideas came to me after I had lived the story for a few weeks.  Try it and see if this happens to you.

If you cannot memorize a story, get two sheets of watercolor paper and write the story out and put it between the covers as your special book.  But do try; you may find that just by reading the story for three nights every night before you go to bed and sleep on it that you have more memorized than you think.  Use props.  Write the key phrases down.  Whatever works for you.

But most of all, keep it fun.  You should be working together, having lots of time outside (see my “Connecting Children to Nature” post if you need help in that area), playing, singing. 

You can do Waldorf Kindergarten at home; just keep it simple!  You have several years of kindergarten, and your four-year-old should be at a really simple level; your six-year-old may need more.

Some of Waldorf Kindergarten really is just like the Nike slogan, “Just Do It.”  Quit reading so much, keep it simple to start and just live it all together and see what wonderful things happen!

Breathe and smile,

Carrie

Is It Too Late?

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I have had several mothers call me lately who are feeling what I call “the Waldorf guilt”.  They are looking, in most cases, at very verbal and sometimes physically aggressive 5 and 6 year old little girls and wondering if it is too late to start the Waldorf lifestyle with their little ones.  They feel the way they parented their children before may not have been as age and developmentally appropriate as it could have been.

First of all, please be very  easy with yourself if you find yourself in this situation.  We all are the best parents we can be with the information we have at the time.  Forgive yourself for any perceived inadequacies and move on.

Second, I would say it is never too late for the healing benefits of Waldorf.  However, I do think this takes sincere effort, planning, and change within the family.

Here are some thoughts that I think may be helpful if  you are trying to “switch” to a Waldorf  lifestyle for the benefit of your child’s health or to work with a very head-oriented child under the age of 7 or 8:

1.  Start small with consistent naptimes, bedtimes, and meal times.  Think foods made with your own hands and foods that are not far removed from what they really are….a whole apple as opposed to processed apple Pop-Tarts.  Think about the amount of sugar, dyes, additives your children are ingesting and work hard to limit those substances.

2.  Think about the concept of warmth.  I find many of these over-active, over-talkative little beings have a severe problem with lack of warmth, both intuitively from the family in an emotional or spiritual sense,  and also perhaps needing more physical warmth. 

For emotional or spiritual warmth:  If you meditate or pray, can you do that over your child after they go to sleep at night?  Soul warmth and energy flow there.   Can you laugh with your child, have fun, smile with your children?  Instead of all those words, how about a hug, a smile, a kiss?

If you feel your child needs more physical warmth, can you think about woolens for under their clothes, warm coats, hats, mittens?  Layering?  Does your child need more warmth in whatever space you have – warm colors in their room, layered rugs, curtains? 

3.  The very verbal child  under the age of 7 needs a parent who can stop talking to the child.  Lots of “Hhmm, I wonder that as well” kinds of comments, as opposed to the Doctoral Thesis on whatever the child is asking about.  Get your partner on board!  This is so important, and necessary.  If your partner is rather analytical, talk about the concept of doing the right thing at the right time.  You are not withholding knowledge of the world to the detriment of the small child, but rather waiting to bring it in at the right time when the child can process it well.  You are providing information in the right way in the right amount for the child’s age.

4.  I find for the most part the things that these children have said in the past has been given entirely too much weight.  I am not saying to ignore what your child says, or to ignore how your child says they feel!  But what I am saying is that YOU have to start to distinguish between is this random comment one that you should give weight to as a mother and then act upon or is it just that – a very random comment?  In this day and age and in our society we often take our children far too seriously about small things, (and probably not seriously enough about big things as they get older).

5.  This child needs HOURS a day outside to just be, and than a balancing of that with an activity that provides them quiet.  Have arts and crafts ready, woodworking, cooking projects, storytelling at the ready for these special, intimate moments.

6.  No media.  No media at all during this transformation.  No screens.   And model good behavior by cutting down on your screen time…can you do it?

7.  Plan some fun FAMILY activities with you, your partner, your child, siblings.  Sometimes these often serious and tense children need to see that, indeed, the family can have fun and laugh together.  It does not have to be something over the top and expensive – plan something like going hiking, roller skating, ice skating, planting a garden together, star watching.  Also do some projects around the house together so your child can see how a family works and plays together.

9. After you have a small rhythm going for the day –to -day kinds of things and weekly things, do start looking at festivals within the year.  (And if you need help with rhythm please do hit the rhythm tag in the tags box and all those posts will come up).    Not every family who celebrates festivals  celebrates religious ones, but Steiner did talk quite a bit about the importance of a spiritual life for the child.  Think about your own spiritual leanings and investigate this.   If you have no spiritual leanings at all, why not?  Perhaps a tradition completely different than the one you were raised with will speak to you.     Perhaps this is the inner work you are being called to do at this time. 

10.  Start working within yourself to be the change for the things you want to see in your family.  You set the tone for things in your family, you have a choice as to how you respond to things.  You don’t need to nag your partner about all this, but instead model, show, demonstrate, love.

Just a few thoughts to ponder,

Carrie

The Fabulous Five –Year -Old!

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Five-year-olds are rather interesting to me.  Many mothers lament from reading the Gesell Institute books that while the young five-year-old should be in this “golden period”, their child is decidedly not.  A five-year-old closer to turning six may also be in a bit of disequilibrium as well.  Five is an age that I feel deserves a closer look beyond the whole “this is a golden age” view……

Let’s take a look at typical characteristics of the young five year old, according again to our friends at The Gesell Institute:

  • Typically enjoys life and looks on the sunny side.
  • Wants to do everything “just right.”
  • Mother is the center of the child’s world again- many five-year-olds would rather stay in the house with Mother than go out to play with friends.
  • Typically loves his house, his street, his neighborhood.
  • Does not especially want new and different.
  • This is typically seen as one of those “golden ages” of childhood development where the child is in a state of harmony.
  • If your child is a young five and not in a state of harmony, do not despair.  I have found that for many children, the disequilibrium that seems to accompany four can take until a child is five and a quarter to really work out.  I happily refer you to my posts regarding “Peaceful Life With a Four-Year-Old” and “Fantastic Four-Year-Old!”.  They will help you sort out some things that may be helpful to your young five-year-old.
  • The other thing to look at any time a child is behaving in such a way you do not love is to look to yourself and your home first.  Are you feeling calm?  What is going on in your life and in the life of your family?  Start with centering yourself.  Look at the post on this blog entitled  “Peaceful Life With A Four-Year-Old”   here  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/07/peaceful-life-with-a-four-year-old/  and the post before that written about the developmental characteristics of a four-year-old.  The other place to look would be in the tag section and hit the tag called “Parenting Challenges” – a prime example of this type of post that may be helpful is this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/13/smearing-peas/  and there are many,many others that may stimulate thoughts for your own personal situation.

Hang in there though, because equilibrium is coming! (At least for a little while!)

Five-and-a-half is a bit different, however.  Here are some of the developmental characteristics as listed in the Gesell Institute’s “Your Five-Year-Old” regarding the five-and-a-half-year-old:

  • Usually has a great readiness to go against what is asked or expected of him.
  • Brash, combative.
  • Can be hesitant, dawdling, indecisive or at the opposite extreme, demanding and explosive
  • May be sick quite a bit – headaches, colds, stomachaches, earaches.
  • May revert to toileting accidents.
  • Lots of tensional outlets – these are the behaviors that parents dislike such as repeatedly biting nails, head banging, increased nose picking, fidgeting, increased masturbation.
  • Restless
  • Difficulty grasping pencils, may lose visual orientation and reverse numbers or letters (Did I mention The Gesell Institute feels five is NOT a good age to teach reading or writing??)
  • May have lots of nightmares.

 

Think about living with your five-year-old with these things in mind: Rhythm, Rules, and a sense of Reverence.

Rhythm – Your rhythm should carry your day.  I cannot stress this enough.  Unless you want to be arguing all day long with your small child, you need a rhythm where you normally do this and then do that.  Think about how you want things done. If we always clean up after we play, then there is no arguing about it.  If sometimes mommy cleans up, sometimes we clean up together, sometimes friends help clean up and sometimes they don’t, then we are in for some trouble.  So, spend some time looking at your daily activities and what needs to happen before and after these activities to make life enjoyable for all.

Rules – Keep your rules simple – think of them as skills and behaviors that children that are trying to learn and master rather than these things where bad things happen when you cannot control your child.  Think about phrasing them very simply, generally, and positively.

Reverence – Look for moments when you can instill in your child a sense of reverence for the beauty in every day; those moments where you stop and look at something outside, those moments where you can all sing together; those moments where you stop to pray or meditate or have a moment of silence before a meal.  Think about the way you approach your own tasks – is it trying to get through the task as quickly as possible, or is it approaching the task that nourishes your family is undertaken with loving kindness?

Keep looking to yourself and your own habits.  Review your own negative habits; do you nag, berate, command, dominate, yell, shame or punish your child when it might be helpful to find positive alternatives?  Can you be calm and help your child physically follow through in a peaceful way with whatever you asked him or her to do?

Yours in Peace,

Carrie

What Kind of Family Are You?

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In my last post, regarding “Potty Training With Love”, I alluded to Barbara Coloroso’s framework of different types of families; other frameworks such as these also exist.

Before you can approach your inner work, your parenting, the tone in your home, it may be helpful to step outside of yourself if you can and view see what your family really is like, the dynamics of your home.

Here are some frameworks that may stimulate some thought for you:

In the book Kids Are Worth It! By Barbara Coloroso, she defines three types of families:

  1. Brickwall – This type of family has a definitive hierarchy of control with the parents being in charge, has lots of strict rules, a high value on punctuality, cleanliness and order, a rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual or threatened violence, the use of punishment to break the child’s will and spirit, rigid rituals and rote learning, use of humiliation, extensive use of threats and bribes, heavy reliance on competition, learning takes place with no margin for error, love is highly conditional, gender roles are strictly enforced, children are taught what to think but not how to think.
  1. Jellyfish A families – most likely raised in a Brickwall family, this parent is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but does not know what to replace it with. So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits and tends to smother his children. Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs. The lack of structure can then lead to a frustrated parent who ends up resorting to threats, bribes, punishments.
  2. Jellyfish B families – May be struggling with personal problems that keep her almost totally centered on herself. No one is around to provide a nurturing, caring, supportive environment.

In both types of Jellyfish families, the following characteristics prevail: Anarchy and chaos in the physical and emotional environment, no recognizable rules or guidelines for the children, arbitrary and inconsistent punishments and rewards are made, mini -lectures and put-downs are the main parenting tools, second chances are arbitrarily given, threats and bribes are frequently used, everything takes place in an environment of chaos, emotions rule the behavior of parents and children, children are taught that love is highly conditional, children are easily led by their peers.

  1. Backbone families – Parents give their children the six critical life messages, democracy is a learned experience where children see their feelings and needs are respected and accepted and they also see that it is not always easy to juggle the wants and needs of all members of the family, mistakes are viewed as opportunities to grow, rules are simply and clearly stated, consequences for irresponsible behavior are either natural or reasonable, children are motivated to be all they can be, children receive lots of smiles and hugs, children get second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and to act responsibly on those feelings through a strong sense of self-awareness, competency and cooperation are modeled and encouraged, love is unconditional, children are taught how to think, children are buffered from sexual promiscuity/drug abuse/suicide by three messages: I like myself, I can think for myself, There is no problem so great, it cannot be solved.

Linda Budd, Ph.D., looks at three traits central to all families in her book “Living With The Active Alert Child”: who’s in charge, what the family values, and how the family handles emotion. She breaks families down into the following categories:

  1. The Closed Family – There is someone clearly in charge, and the others are expected to follow and be obedient. The family values stability. There are many traditions and rituals to create this strong sense of family unity. The family has a hard time with the intensity of emotions. Benefits of this family type include the children growing up with a strong sense of order and feeling secure within the family structure.
  1. The Random Family – Control in this family changes hands frequently- no one person is in charge. This family values freedom, choice, competition, challenge, creative expression. Individuals are valued over the family unit. People in this family express themselves passionately, intensely, authentically. Children in this system have few limits and limited supervision, but their creativity and intensity are confirmed.
  1. The Open Family – The family values equality. Control is cooperative, participatory and persuasive. Consensus is used to make decisions. The family values dialogue, tolerance, adaptability. The family needs are balanced with individual needs. The child is valued as a partner who needs help in discovering her own limits. Parents and child negotiate limits and collaborate in problem solving. Cooperation and responsibility are valued. Children feel as if they have mutual power, and that their feelings are acknowledged.
  1. The Synchronous Family – Control is understood without one person being the source. Control comes from a shared goal or value system, not from an individual. Adults assume children will learn what is correct and what is expected by watching the parents’ example. Emotions are reserved. Children gain a strong sense of security, order and routine.

She gives the example of a 5-year old running through the living room.

The Closed Family says: “You are not to run in the living room. You will have to go to your room until you learn how to behave in here.”

The Random Family: No one notices, or mom and dad may play chase with him if they feel like it.

The Open Family: “Mark, when you run through the living room, you disturb your grandma who is trying to read. You also stepped on the block house your sister is building. We have lots of special things in here that might get broken. It is not okay to run in the living room. Let’s think of a place where you might be able to run around without disturbing anyone else.”

The Synchronous Family: Uncle Jim says to Mark, “Come sit by me while I carve.” Uncle Jim continues to carve, saying nothing to Mark about his behavior. Twenty minutes later, Mark’s mother puts items Mark disturbed back into place.

Food for thought: What kind of family is your family according to either Barbara Coloroso’s or Linda Budd’s structure?

Are you and your significant other different according to Barbara Coloroso or Linda Budd’s structure? What was the family you grew up in like?

Have a meditative day,

Carrie

Potty Training With Love

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In the book “Child Behavior:  The Classic Child Care Manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development”, the authors Francis Ilg, Louise Bates Ames,  and Sidney M. Barker write, “Do not be disappointed if your boy or girl lags behind this schedule.  Probably in no field of child behavior are individual differences greater than with regard to toilet-training.  Probably in no field are parents more impatient.”

If this is you, and you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, wanting to “teach” your child to stay dry at night …..take a deep breath and slow down.  Potty training is slow, patient work.  It takes time, and it can take quite a while before the child truly has no more “accidents”. 

Take your time, and look at your own mindset first.  It is not worth trying to speed up your child’s control, which is a PHYSIOLOGICAL process, through humiliation and anger (which I unfortunately hear of many parents doing).  Do not be this.  You still are establishing connection and a loving relationship with your small child.  Think how you would want to be treated if you were having a problem with urinary or fecal incontinence.  Think about when you get elderly how you would like your child to treat  you.

This may help you:

First of all, did you all know that there are physiological milestones regarding bladder and bowel control?  Many parents seem to not know this, and are surprised to find times when their child has increased urinary incontinence, for example. These were compiled by our friends at the Gesell Institute, and comes from a traditional (not elimination communication) standpoint, but it may still be helpful to you:

Normal Milestones in Bladder Control

1 year-  possible dryness after nap, intolerance of wetness, may cry until changed

15 months – may like to sit on toilet but may resist at other times, points to pride at puddles if has accident, placement on toilet may stimulate a withholding of urine and removal off of toilet may stimulate a release of urine

18 months- can respond with nod of head if asked if wants to use potty, may ask to use potty, may feel shame at accidents

21 months – reports accidents and points at them, usually tells after wetting but sometimes before

2 years- better urinary control, no resistance to routines, can verbalize toileting needs fairly consistently, may go into bathroom and pull down pants

2 ½ years- urinary retention span lengthening to about five hours, may have difficulty initiating release, may stop and then resume within act of urinating, may have difficulty initiating the release

3 years – can have toileting routine, most have few accidents, may be dry all night (or may not!), girls may try to use the toilet standing up

4 years – may insist on taking over own routine, may lose urinary control at night around four

5 years – may need reminders to go to bathroom, few daytime accidents and only occasional nighttime accidents, less reporting to Mother, may awaken for night toileting and report to parents, may see increase in nighttime bedwetting ages 5 ½ to 6 years

6 years – few accidents if any, if accidents occur child is disturbed by them, may need reminder to use bathroom before going out to play

Normal Milestones in Bowel Control

15 to 21 months – some children may smear their stools outside of a diaper, especially at end of nap

18 to 21 months – temporary diarrhea

2 ½ years and between ages 5 and 6 – constipation typical

COMMON CONCERNS

  • – 3 to 4 year old who is not potty trained for bowel movements (usually boys). If you can figure out if there is a pattern to the bowel movements (for example, a certain time of day when this is likely to occur), you can try stripping your child naked around that time and bringing him to the bathroom.  Also talk to your pediatrician regarding this behavior if it persists.  Some children also go through another period of withholding bowel movements around ages 5 to 6.
  • – Bedwetting  – check and see if your child is dry after a  nap, if your child is not dry after a nap  it may be expecting quite a lot for your child to be dry all night.  Many normal children are 5 or 6 years old before nighttime dryness is well-established.  Some children are as old as 8.    A mother should know her child is very vulnerable at the stage of being an older child who cannot yet stay dry at night; do not make it worse by shaming your child!!  Please discuss this with your pediatrician.
  • – Not dry in daytime by age 3 or 4 (usually boys).  Rule out any physical cause of decreased bladder control first, and then be patient.  Stop thinking your child is “old enough to get this”.  Pick the time of day when your child is likely to be dry and get him to the toilet so he can have some success.
  • – Difficulty staying dry during play (also usually between ages 3 and 4 and usually also affects boys more than girls).  You may have to interrupt his play every  half hour or hour to have him come and use the toilet. 
  • – Wetting in school, usually during kindergarten or first grade

Still normal bathroom behavior…

2 year old’s fascination with animal feces, although this may be because the parents have made too big a deal  out of his own functioning (Gesell Institute’s words, not mine, before you start sending me irrate comments!)

3 year old girl’s attempt to urinate standing up

4 year old’s excessive interest in other people’s bathrooms

4 year old and 6 year old’s name calling related to toileting

From Barbara Coloroso’s Kids Are Worth IT!

Are you a brickwall, jellyfish or backbone family when it comes to potty training?

A Brickwall Family – puts  pressure in the form of tangible rewards and punishments for mistakes.   Rewards for example, would be something like,  If you are dry all week, I will take you to get ice cream.  Stickers everytime they use the potty, things like that.

Punishment is emotional abuse, verbal disapproval, humiliation, comparing, withholding of love and affection, threats of physical punishment.  This is not a productive way to approach potty training.  Urine release and bowel movements are normal physiological functions that require physiological maturity, just as learning to ride a bike requires physical maturity.

A Jellyfish Family –turns process of potty training over to daycare provider, inconsistency in potty training – For example, the child is reminded to go sometimes but sometimes not, or told to hold it until she gets home or just go in the diaper if it is inconvenient to find a potty. May not be excited about potty training until child has to be potty trained to attend school.

A Backbone Family –  prepares, practices and has patience!

Prepare – Look at child and developmental level, have a potty chair, easy to manage outfits, lots of toilet paper, a stepstool and a supply of diapers on hand.

Practice – It takes many times to get it right.  Do NOT get upset with your child.  They are immature, they are learning.

Patience – the power or capacity to endure without complaint something difficult.  Potty training may not be your personal favorite part of childhood development, but please be patient with your little one.  They are trying, they want to do it right.  Be kind!!

Barbara writes, “Remember, it is her own body and she will learn to control it in her own time and in her own way – She just needs your help, guidance and support!”

Yours in Kindness,

Carrie

Peaceful Life With A Four-Year-Old

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(Carrie’s note:  Links to some other posts about the four-year-old: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/03/more-about-the-four-year-old/   and   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/04/fantastic-four-year-old/   .  There are many, many more posts regarding the four-year-old in the tags under “the four year old” or “Children Under 7” and “Waldorf Kindergarten.”  There is also a post regarding weaning children over the age of 4.  Hope that helps!)

We have recently looked at the traditional developmental view of a four-year-old.  Edmond Schoorel sums up a Waldorf Education view of the Early Years nicely in his introduction to “The First Seven Years:  Physiology of Childhood”  by writing this:

“The child’s first seven years stand out because of the child’s vitality and potential for growth during this time.  Everything children learn and develop during these seven years is transient.  Children need to think, but only to develop a capacity and not because they need to apply it.  They learn to walk but only for pleasure and not because they need to go where life takes them.  Children learn to play, but only for the fun of it, so that later they may be able to play the challenges of life.  It is characteristic of the first seven years that they are germinal and that they are very precious.  This unique quality may get lost when parents, educators, and other caregivers think that young children have to learn because they need the content of this knowledge later in life.”

So how do I live peacefully with a four-year-old?

The four-year-old should be living in their physical body.  This would include for a four-year-old copious amounts of time outside, and many sensory types of activities – games that involve crawling, rolling.  Experiences such as kneading, grinding wheat, play with different textures, jumping, climbing up and down stairs.  Schoorel mentions if you ask a child of this age to do something consciously, they will become clumsy and awkward.  Make your games of movement with practical work or couched in fantasy.

-The idea that a four-year-old needs to be moving really ties in well to the view of the “out of bounds” four-year-old held in traditional development.  A four-year-old who is out of bounds verbally and physically needs to get their energy out everyday.  If you are having significant trouble with your four-year-old, check out your rhythm and how much activity it includes first.

-A four and a half year old may be starting to play “let’s pretend”.  Encourage this in your home through the use of costumes, dolls, puppets and other props.  Think about how to arrange your child’s toys into inviting scenarios they will want to play with.  There are several posts on this blog regarding fostering creative play (see the tags section; you can click on any subject over there and all the posts written with that tag will come up) that have more ideas regarding this important subject.

-While play is the work of the small child, please do let your child participate in your work at this age.  Find the ways that they can help you; most four-year-olds love to help wash or polish things, to try to sweep the floor or the patio,  to put away silverware or other small tasks.

– Your four-year-old may enjoy simple fingerplays and verses at this time revolving around the seasonal changes.  Your local library most likely has a wonderful collection of these fingerplays.  Lighting a candle and having a few fingerplays, songs and even a short story may be a new thing to add to your daily rhythm with a four-year-old.  There are suggestions for stories under the fairy tale tag on this blog.

-Many four-year-olds will start to like the very simple fairy tales.  If you feel your child is not ready for some of the more simple fairy tales (for suggestions, please hit fairy tales or oral storytelling in the tag section of this blog for posts on these subjects), try simple nature stories that you make up, gardening stories, sweet seasonal stories by Suzanne Down (www.junipertreepuppets.com).

As far as gentle discipline for the four-year-old:

-I know I sound like a broken record to so many of you, but start with yourself and the tone you are setting in your home.  Are you requiring “right action” not through punishment, but just by holding the space? 

-Are you talking too much, explaining too much, and giving too many choices?  Gentle discipline books often say small choices for small people, but many four-year-olds are rather overwhelmed and overburdened by having to make any choices hardly at all.  They would rather that you lay out the clothes they would wear, they would rather you sing a song and take them to the bathroom instead of you asking, “Do you need to go potty?”, they would rather have a simple breakfast of your choosing.  Making less decisions frees them up to play!

-Have you checked and double checked the amount of time you are spending outside and  your rhythm?  Does your rhythm include times of out-breath (active) and times of in-breath (inward)?

-Steiner felt that only starting in the fifth year would the child start to have some inkling of right or wrong.  So check yourself, are you expecting way too much out of your four-year-old?  I think it was Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool Resources (www.christopherushomeschool.org) who always said  the age of  four  is a good age for sitting on laps!  They are still small!!

-Set your limits in a loving way and follow through. If your child is doing something to harm himself, harm others, or harm your property, he must be re-directed.  Also try Barbara Patterson’s “magic word”  from her book “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge: Nurturing Our Children From birth to seven”, written with Pamela Bradley.  The word is MAY.    She gives the example, “You may hang up your coat here.”  Clear, direct, polite. 

-Be calm, think peaceful energy.  Do not ignore the negative behavior until it just pushes you right over the edge!

-Barbara Patterson talks about how the cure for violent play is REAL WORK. Repetitive work. I think this also goes back to outside time :  what can the children do in a repetitive manner outside?  Can they roll down a hill over and over?  Can they dig holes?  Can they drag wood around?  Fill a cart with something heavy and let them push and pull it around.  Can they do water play outside?  Can pouring be a soothing activity?  Can they take a hand sifter and sift something over and over?  Flour is not that expensive!  Can you fill something up with rice and beans and pasta shapes and pour it?  Can they grind chalk into “sugar”?  Can the children take water and a paintbrush and paint the house, the fence, the sidewalk?

Four can be a delightful age if you are prepared and thinking about ways to channel a four- year -old’s energy and expansiveness. Hopefully this quick view of traditional and anthroposophical development has been helpful to you as you plan the best ways to meet your four-year-old’s needs.

Yours till next time,

Carrie

Fantastic Four Year Old!

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Those fantastic four-year-olds!  Many mothers report four was a great year for them; other mothers have reported that their child did not seem to go through the upheaval of three-and-a-half and instead hit a turbulent phase at four!

Let’s take a quick look at the traditional view of the four-year-old, as discussed by our friends at the Gesell Institute in the book “Your Four-Year-Old”:

Four Years of Age – Traditional Development

  • Swearing, boasting, out of bounds behavior
  • Joyous, exuberant, energetic, ready for anything!
  • Like increased privacy regarding going to the bathroom
  • May see sex play, exhibitionism   (may also come up again at age six)
  • Boastful, bossy
  • Expansive, sure of himself
  • Adores new people, places, things
  • Extreme emotions – love and hate
  • Very speedy, does things once and moves on to the next thing
  • Out of bounds speech (“I will cut you up”  “I will put you in the garbage”)
  • Four’s may need loving limits even if they have not needed a lot of limits before
  • Can be very aggressive with siblings and get along better with almost anyone than a younger sibling; should not be trusted alone with a baby

SUGGESTION : Avoid moral judgments as to your child’s behavior at this age – lying, swearing, exaggerating is a hallmark of age 4

Another generality:  Gesell Institute suggests NOT trying to teach a 4 year old to read –(to which all the Waldorf folks out there are nodding their heads!)

Try to enjoy the good things about this age!

Four and A Half Years of Age – Traditional Development

  • Usually a bit more self-motivated,
  • Better able to stand frustration
  • Emotions still uncertain
  • May be less easily shifted with distraction
  • Starting to be aware of “good and bad”
  • Some four and a half year olds can be very demanding, persistent
  • May be less easy to distract with humor than in earlier ages
  • Unpredictable
  • Typically a gradual transition into the self-contained age that is five

Other Areas in the Four-Year-Old Year

  • Friendship-  is typically strong at this age per the Gesell Institute book
  • Eating – can feed themselves completely except for cutting
  • May talk incessantly during meals, may become restless during meals, may have to use the bathroom during meals
  • Most sleep well; may need to use the bathroom
  • May still nap, but majority of four-year-olds are done napping
  • Most children are dry during the day and can manage going to the bathroom alone; not unusual for them to be wet at night
  • Usually bowel movement are also in a routine pattern; boys may possibly not want to have their bowel movement in the toilet
  • Transitions may be easier than before

     Common Tensional Outlets (From Gesell Institute book “Child Behavior”)

  • Thumb-sucking to go to sleep
  • Running away, kicking, spitting, biting fingernails, picking nose, facial grimacing
  • Calls people names, boasts, brags, uses silly language
  • Nightmare and fears
  • Needs to use the bathroom when excited
  • May complain of pain in stomach and actually vomit during times of stress

HEALTH:

  • May knock out front teeth if falls
  • May have many colds during the winter
  • May have “accidents” during times of emotional stress

COMMON FEARS:

  • Sirens, fire engines, other auditory fears
  • The dark
  • Wild animals
  • Mother leaving, going out at night is a common fear

REGARDING BABIES

  • Asks where babies come from
  • May believe that a baby grows inside Mommy, but may also believe a baby comes from a store and is bought
  • Asks how baby gets out;  may think baby comes out through the mother’s umbilicus

REACTION TO DEATH

Per Gesell Institute:

  • Unless it is a well-loved pet or a parent, the child may have a very limited reaction
  • Notion of death is extremely limited
  • By 5 may understand more the concept that “death is the end”
  • “With some exceptions, most preschoolers are not ready for anything but the most simple explanations of death.  Unless it is someone very close to him and someone much loved who dies, concern about the event may be mild.”
  • In the book “Child Behavior” there is a good section regarding talking to children about death.  They recommend the book “Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child” by Rabbi Earl A. Grollman.  If anyone has experience with this book, please do leave it in the comment section to share with our community.

There are also sections in this book regarding the young child and adoption, discussing the idea of a deity if that is pertinent to your family, divorce.  Very helpful.

Regarding Discipline:

  • Try to let some of the out-of-bounds behavior go
  • Utilize a four’s sense of adventure and love of movement  as you re-direct (Hhmm, this sounds like a Waldorf technique!)
  • Try fantasy to help direct things along (hhmm, this also sounds like a Waldorf technique)

 

Let’s look at an anthroposophical view of the four-year-old in our next post, and some Waldorf ways of dealing with the small child to guide behavior.