Author Archives: Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”: Chapter One

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This book by author Judy Arnall  is fairly new, published in 2007, and is a great read for those of you new to guiding your child in a gentle way, and also for those of you who are experienced with gentle discipline techniques.  I will be going through this book chapter by chapter on this blog, so I hope you get your own copy and follow along!

This book is based upon the following five cornerstones:  (from the Preface)

1. Teach, not hurt.

2.  Stay with your “no” and honor your word

3.  Look for the feeling or need (NOF) behind the behavior.

4.   Separate your anger from your discipline.

5.  Be the person you want them to be.

Chapter One is entitled, “The Purpose of Discipline:  Teach, not hurt.”  The author outlines the way life has changed since we all grew up in the 60s, 70s and 80s and why some of the “old” discipline techniques do not have the same impact today.  She talks about the importance about building connections with our children as children these days are often separate from the family and have ready access to technology and other things that can be difficult for parents to police.  She also points out that in general spanking is a less-accepted tool socially and we need things to replace this!  She talks about how children need parents who will help them solve their problems, not punish them.

(Carrie’s Note:  As homeschoolers, we may feel this does not apply to us as much because we are generally with our children, but I feel these are still  important concepts for all families today in an age where the extended family no longer seems to exist.    You may also be wondering from a Waldorf perspective how “solving their problems” applies to Waldorf children under the age of 14 or so – when more logical reasoning comes in- and I say hang in there with me and I will show you how this can be a helpful framework for you, the parent to work from, even if you do not use all the words with your child!  Read on!)

The author talks about the six things children needs for connected parenting:

Time (Quantity time, not necessarily quality time)

Attention

Guidance in a positive way

Kindness – I have a whole post on my blog about this important subject here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/ 

Listening

Self Care for Parents – which I have also talked about here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/06/making-yourself-a-priority-in-the-parenting-equation/

The author talks extensively about why we should give up punishments, and how punishments do not work to deter “bad” behavior.  I will not review all those points here, you will find this on pages 15-18.

She talks about the goals of discipline (remember my view of discipline as Authentic Leadership!https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/  and also here https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/20/getting-past-fear/  )- to teach the child to build life-long character building skills, such as responsibility, empathy , problem-solving and self-control; to protect the child; to instill our parental values (do you know what these are?  If not, consider looking at this post here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/) and to teach the child how to become a healthy, productive adult in society.

She talks about the role of the parent – all you jellyfish out there, listen up!!- as being a protector, a source of knowledge and experience in a democratic parenting style, an influence, a detective,  a structure provider (yes, my little jellyfish I know you are wincing now!), and a limit and rule making facilitator and negotiator.  Parents are also the provider of needs – not just physical needs, but for the emotional needs of children for warmth, and security.  Waldorf parents I feel really excel in this area!  Parents are also nurturers.

More about Chapter One in a bit,

Carrie

The Early Bedtime

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(This is a good post on bedtime as well:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/18/peaceful-bedtime-dreams/)

Many children seem to stay up as late as their parents stay up, and for some families this does seem to work well.  However, today I am asking you to consider an alternative:  the early bedtime. 

The early bedtime will change how you are with your family the next day, because you will have time to be an adult and to rest and recharge and find something of yourself.   Some mothers I know cannot believe there will ever be an end to their mothering, and don’t seem to realize (or have time!) for those dreams and the things they once had that were all their own, but I am going to suggest to you to really look inside yourself and see what is there.  Personally, there is nothing I enjoy more than being with my family and creating a home, but I also have things of my own that truly do not involve my children. Nighttime can be a time to work on those sorts of things!  This is important, because while being a mother is a very wonderful and important role to play, it is not the whole of who you are!

The early bedtime will also change the dynamics between you and your husband because you can be adults, you can talk and finish sentences, you can dream and plan together:   in other words you can create intimacy in your own home without small ears about! I see too many attached mothers replacing their intimate relationship with their husband with the relationship with their children. Children need to see a strong, functioning marriage in our society today.  I have a dear friend who says, “In 20 years your children may be gone and out of your house and you and your husband will be looking at each other.  Practice for that day.”  A very wise woman indeed.

As children grow, it is necessary to have a more boundaries as to what is heard and discussed in front of them.  A small child does not need to be privy to every adult matter going on in the household, and an early bedtime can provide you and your spouse a time to work on the more challenging issues without putting these adult burdens on our small children.  If you need help in this area, please do see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/12/31/the-need-to-know/

Many mothers say that it can be difficult in the baby and early toddler years for co-sleeping children to fall asleep on their own without them falling asleep as well :). I myself have been there and done that,  but I can also assure you there are many, many attached families who have moved children into their own beds by the age of 3 – at least to start for part of the night there!  Co-sleeping can move into a place where it takes place for part of the night, a few nights during the week; however you want to work out the parameters that work for your family.

The hard part for many families is getting the earlier bedtime down.  This involves many times saying NO to things that happen too late in the evening.  It could also involve shortening your bedtime routine in order to make sleep the priority, as opposed to having a long and drawn out routine where perhaps the steps of the routine are the priority.

In our house, we often have dinner by 5:30,  we put the house to bed (all lights dimmed or off, the shades drawn, certainly no TV or radio or anything like that on – we do sing the house a lullaby together at times), we take baths or showers every other night unless we are covered with garden mud :), and the children are in bed with stories around 6:30 or 6:45.    A seven o-clock bedtime works well for children smaller than age 7, with a seven-year-old being able to stay up and perhaps read until 7:30, an eight year old could stay up until 7:45, etc., essentially moving up 15 minutes each year until they hit the bedtime of 9:00 where the bedtime would stay for quite awhile.

One book that helped me early on is this one:  http://www.amazon.com/OClock-Bedtime-Early-healthy-playful/dp/0060988894 :   “The 7-o’ clock Bedtime: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a child healthy, playful and wise”   by Inda Schaenen.  She outlines many of the things we do as a society to over-stimulate children and not let them be children, and goes on to discuss ways to actually achieve an earlier bedtime.  Some of her nursing references may  not sit completely well with those of you who follow this blog and are attached parents, but I think there is still so much usable information in this book.  All the copies on Amazon are used and starting at only a few dollars, so there really is no excuse to NOT get this book and read it!

Change your child’s bedtime, change your life!

Carrie

Waldorf Third Grade and Old Testament Stories

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So many people get hung up with the Saint Stories in the second grade, and then many people get hung up with Old Testament Stories of the Third Grade.

The Old Testament Stories of the  Waldorf Third Grade are not told as a “religious” main lesson block.

For a good post on this subject, please see Donna Simmons’ blog here:

http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/old-testament-s.html

Perhaps it will illuminate an anthroposophical approach to these studies of the Third Grade and set your heart at ease.  These stories are important for children in the throes of the nine-year- change, and I hope you will take the time to meditate on what Donna Simmons has to say about this  and figure out how to bring these stories to your children baggage-free!

Peace,

Carrie

Homeschooling Siblings With Waldorf

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Yes, I am back thinking more about siblings.  I wrote a pretty popular post about the balance that has to occur with Waldorf homeschooling of siblings, and some of the things particular to Waldorf homeschooling here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/05/homeschooling-multiple-children-with-waldorf/

The thing to really think long and hard about is this:  If your children were going to school, where everything is divided by neat age ranges into grades, your children would spend no time together at all.  The peer group of your child instantly becomes more important than the relationship between siblings.  Older children enrolled in school seem to be indoctrinated into the attitude, (at least in many of the unfortunate cases I have seen), that “we don’t hang around with the babies!’ kind of thing as opposed to the approach that older ones should be the safe keepers and guardians and helpmates to the smaller children.

You have a wonderful opportunity to do this at home!   In the days where you feel as if your older one is being shortchanged by having smaller ones in the picture who keep eating all your supplies and getting into your older ones’ projects, or on the days when you feel your younger ones are being shortchanged because they are tied into the older ones’ schedules and you are not doing the same things with the younger ones that you did with the older ones when they were that age…..well, just take a breath.

Realize that the relationship you are cultivating and nurturing between the siblings is probably one of the most important things, if not the most important thing, your child will take away from his or her homeschooling experience.

We work hard to balance the needs of ALL the members of our family, but we also rest in knowing that our family bonds are strengthened by the sheer amount of quantity time we spend together day in and day out.  This is something probably only other homeschoolers understand. 

So have peace and rest in knowing this ,

Carrie

“Raising A Daughter”

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For those of you who have read Jeanne Elium and Don Elium’s fabulous book, you may be interested in Jeanne Elium’s website and/or consulting service regarding parenting issues as found here:

http://www.jeanneelium.com/index.html

Thanks Jeanne for popping in on this blog!

Carrie

The Battlefield of The Mind: Anger and Parenting

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If we create a battlefield in our mind against our children, then all is lost.  By battlefield, I mean the minute we begin thinking, “My child is doing this on purpose!”  “My child is out to get me and make me miserable!”  “My child knew what they were doing and planned this!”  “My child is just wanting to push each and every one of the buttons I have!”   Keep reading to find out the implications of what I mean by that!

Mamas, I have been there and done that and I would like to share something with you that I have learned:  If we create a us versus them mentality in our mind and in our attitude before we even open our mouths, then we have lost.

We have lost the opportunity to warmly hold the space for our children, we have lost the moment to guide in peaceful energy the behavior we would like our child to show, we have lost the connection between us and our child.

For those of you who follow this blog who believe that childhood development unfolds according to seven-year cycles, the things we think in the moment of anger are then not even logical according to this framework!  To a Waldorf parent, a child under the age of 7 does not view themselves as even separate yet; they cannot at this point “do” something to “you”  because that separation from you does not yet exist.  To a Waldorf parent, a child under the age of 7 is truly not logical, does not pre-meditate and pre-plan.  Yes, they do test boundaries.  But it is most likely more spur of the moment rather than pre-planned!

For those of you who follow this blog who are attachment parenting, to you I would say that one of the foundations of loving guidance is putting respect and empathy at the core of your parenting.  Look at the situation and your child’s needs through  your more experienced life lenses ( and no, you do not have to use words to ASK them all this!  You are the wonderful, smart, intelligent adult who can figure this out without asking them!)  What did they need in that moment where they were doing something different than what you expected or wanted?  Did they need food, a break, something to do, guidance as to what was acceptable in the house or not, your attention, sleep?

And most  importantly, once this occurs and we are feeling angry, can we step back and find our needs underneath the anger?  Why are we so darned angry anyway?  Maybe we need respect, peace, quiet, a chance to sit down?

Can you take a breath and change the scenery?  Can the child make restitution, make a “healing action” to make the situation right again after everyone has calmed down?  Restitution is a very important part of parenting.  It shows the child that we all can make mistakes, but it is what we do with the mistake that is most important.

Most of all, no guilt trips on the child.  They don’t understand the extent of the emotions you are feeling, they really don’t understand all the words you are using, and all they feel is your anger.  Less words, more breathing, more warmth, more action toward the positive.

For you to meditate on is this concept of POSITIVE INTENT.  What could possibly be the positive intent behind this situation, behind this interaction?  Can I see it this way?

Because if you continue to play out the battlefield in your mind, the last person standing will be you with all the children around you out of the connection in the game.

Enjoy your children, find the joy.  You can do this!

Love,

Carrie

Waldorf Guilt

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So many times when we find a new way of doing things in our homes and in our lives, we look back at what we were doing in the past  and say, “Wow!  I can’t believe that I thought that was the right way to do things!  I can’t believe that is how we did things in our house and in our homeschool and in our lives!”  We feel guilty that we didn’t do the things then that we are doing now.  Many times we especially feel guilty about the path we walked with our older children and how we feel our younger children are getting a benefit the older ones never had.  How do we go back?

We cannot reverse time.  You were just as good a mother then as you are  now, it is just now you have different information and a different framework with which to base decisions on.   You may now have a different way of looking at the grades and at childhood now, and that is okay. 

Instead of ravaging yourself with guilt, which truly doesn’t help any household to be more peaceful, try to congratulate yourself on the steps you are taking today to bring your household into more peace, more joy and more love.  You may find yourself living with more order, but also more FUN!  (Which many people think must be a contradiction in terms before they come to Waldorf!)

Look at your baby steps and how far you have come.  See this post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/13/baby-steps-to-waldorf-rhythm/

If you find you are getting swallowed up by Waldorf and the need for “Waldorf perfection” try this extremely popular post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/12/hopeless-with-waldorf/

Most of all, enjoy this journey, this precious time with your family and your children. You cannot get this time back, and look at what a wonderful job you are doing moving forward!

Be proud of who you are, how far you have come, love yourself and your family.

Much love to you and yours,

Carrie

Fathers and Daughters: Part Two

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In our last post we looked at the role of daughters who are ages birth through 7.  Today let’s look at further ages!

Age 8-14

  • Dads are VERY important during this time to many girls, so hopefully the foundation for a close father-daughter relationship was laid during the first seven years.
  • Daughters really want to be with their fathers and have his undivided attention.  They can be very interested in Dad’s work and what hobbies he enjoys.
  • They also want to be able to be authentic around their fathers, and to not have to be always happy or never  be angry around their fathers.  Emotional availability is important to girls.
  • Daughters need the genuine praise and love of  their fathers.
  • They need dad to help them follow through on family rules (and the rules need to be reasonable and clear).
  • They want to be included in their father’s world and do things with their father.
  • The practical management of money is one area where  many fathers take over the teaching with good results.  Another area may be sports, whether this may be team sports or individual sports.  I know families where dad coaches the team sport, and I know families where the whole family takes karate together.  It is not that mothers cannot teach their children in these areas, but these are areas where I have seen other families have success with spending time and guiding their daughters, and areas mentioned that dads may have success in the book, “Raising A Daughter.”
  • Dads really can impact how girls transition into adolescence.  A great time for Daddy-Daughter dates if that has not already been happening!
  • Dads usually are also great people to start teaching a 10 or 12 year old and up how to set goals and plan strategy!  Again, not that mothers cannot, but this may be an area where dads really excel!

Ages 14-21

  • In the book “Raising A Daughter”, by Jeanne Elium and Don Elium, they write, “The worst mistake for a father to make at this time in his daughter’s life is to withdraw himself from her, because he does not know how to deal with his own response to her developing sexuality.  Daughters need reassurance from the first man in their lives that these changes they are undergoing are okay, that their father still loves them.”
  • Emotional availability is very important to girls of this age.
  • Fathers can be a big support during this age for setting clear limits.
  • Fathers help teach girls of this age what to expect from a boyfriend or a future husband.
  • Dads need to understand that this an age when the intellect is growing, that the teenager notices the “unfairness” of things and is critically questioning and searching for answers to her questions.
  • Girls may separate less from their parents and families than boys and attempt to make their relationships more authentic, deeper.  They long for connection.  There is more about this important difference between boys and girl adolescents on page 342 of “Raising A Daughter.”
  • A best friend is very important during this time!  I am sure many of us remember this from our own adolescence, and I still see it in the teenaged girls around me.  I recommend from a homeschooling perspective that you work hard to find activities and friends for your daughter during the age range of 8-12 because  it can be difficult for homeschooled teenagers to connect to others during the high school years – some homeschooled children go on to not homeschool during these years, the activities are fewer and involve a broader age range usually (ie, adults may be included in community classes, etc.).  It can be more challenging, so something to think about and plot a course, because it will become important thing for your daughter as she matures and grows.
  • Help your teenager find balance between intellect and physical.
  • Enforce the family – as homeschoolers we typically do not have a problem with this, but other families may so it is worth mentioning. It is okay to take a family vacation and not bring along your child’s friends.
  • Hook your daughter up with mentors in career fields she is interested in, or even with other adult women that you trust and know for things such as gardening, baking, etc.
  • Encourage all work toward an achievement.  That is important to recognize the process, not just the result!
  • This is a time to talk and negotiate (and if you are doing this in the younger years, you are putting the cart before the horse! Please stop!)  Discuss in private away from friends, younger siblings.  This is important to an adolescent!
  • Dad really needs to be open emotionally to his daughter and involved in his daughter’s life.  He also needs a fulfilling relationship with his spouse or partner to really model this for his daughter. Work on your relationship together!
  • Help your teenaged get involved in volunteering, whether that it through a place of religious worship, in your neighborhood, or through a service organization.
  • Watch your daughter carefully for the plagues of the modern teenaged years – eating disorders, sexual abuse by a boyfriend or others, suicide, cutting and get help from professionals as your daughter needs it.

Hope this list was helpful, not only to dads, but to all of you.  I highly recommend Jeanne Elium and Don Elium’s, “Raising A Daughter.”  This book is highly compatible with both attachment parenting and Waldorf perspectives, and will truly make you think.  It is well-worth the money, and you can also try your local library and see if it is there.

Peace,

Carrie

Fathers and Daughters: Part One

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Fathers have a profound affect on their daughters.  Fathering impacts what kind of relationships our daughters have as they grow, and helps daughters deal with and balance the masculine and feminine elements in life.  Fathering is so important!

How can we nurture the relationship between fathers and daughters?  Here are a few thoughts for the first seven year cycle.

Birth to Age 7

  • Let dads do something!  So many mothers I see don’t really get dads involved, or if the dad tries to do something, the mother says the dad is “doing it wrong”.  If mom stays at home some families seem to see child-rearing as the sole job of the mother.  Yet, if dads are involved from the beginning of the child’s life  it becomes much easier to maintain an open and  loving relationship through the changes that menstruation and the teenaged years bring.   Many dads at this stage feel estranged and distanced by their daughter’s budding sexuality, so helping Dad build a close relationship in these early years can be a big help in the later years where daughters need to be emotionally open and treated well by the “first man” in their life.
  • Recognize that  Dad is NOT going to do it the way you do it, and that is OKAY.  They – the father and the daughter – will find their own way TOGETHER.  Their relationship is not your relationship with your daughter and nor should it be.  You married this man because you loved him, allow him to also be a parent!  Trust him!
  • If you are breastfeeding, there are still lots  of things dad can do to be involved with the baby.  This includes walking the baby around , singing to the baby, holding the baby, changing diapers, giving baths, feeding solid foods when that time comes and taking care of you so you can nurse the baby you created together.
  • Work on your own relationship with dad!  Girls within the ages of 0-7 are absorbing impressions about how relationships within the family work and about marriage as well.
  • Let Dad participate in doing fun things with his child, as I mentioned above – don’t expect dad to step into the highly charged emotional situations without having built love and trust first in spending some fun together.
  • However, don’t let dad do just all the fun things….. let dad handle the child crying and dealing with the child when the child is upset.  The child will learn that dad is as adept and marvelous as you are with handling things, and that dad really can handle things without mom there!  And yes, moms, you may have to leave sometimes or have father-daughter leave the house in order to foster and nurture their relationship without you in the way.  Many mothers say their three or four year old dislike being with dad and run to them to fix everything if the mother is anywhere in the vicinity – I hate to sound awful, and this may come around as the child gets older, but the best time for a dad and daughter to build a relationship is earlier, not later.  It is NOT attachment mothering it is attachment PARENTING.  It took two of you to make this baby, trust that dad can do this!  If dad has not built up a bank of love and care with his child before the age of 3 or 4 or 5, it can still happen but it will take consistent work and dedication.
  • Sit down together and talk with dad about his ideas regarding  such things as gentle discipline, the role of outside time, what kind of toys does he think a girl should have, television and other media, family health, family holidays and how you will celebrate them, how dad envisions the rhythm of the family, family chores, and the big issues of things such as spirituality and how spirituality and religion play into your lives everyday.  Figure out these things together!  Have a family mission statement. 
  • Dads need to give their babies and their  little girls their time, and their attention.  Little girls like to know dad is not only with them physically, but paying attention.  As your daughter grows, consider “daddy-daughter” dates or “daddy-daughter” breakfasts weekly so their relationship can continue to be nurtured and grow.
  • Dad can be a wonderful person to have humor when mother-daughter tensions run high; dad can be a wonderful person to be part of the united front of loving guidance and teaching boundaries within the home to a daughter in a loving way. 
  • The book “Raising A Daughter” by Jeanne Elium and Don Elium has this to say on page 267:  “Adjustment studies of children raised with three different parenting styles – the authoritative (NOTE here by Carrie:  NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH authoritarian, rigid and strict style of parenting), the democratic and the laissez-faire- showed surprising outcomes.  Authoritative parents make the rules, offer few choices, and expect their children to follow family principles.  Democratic families operate from a place of fairness, consider how other members feel, offer lots of choices, and place high value on cooperation.  Children whose parents are laissez-faire, are allowed to believe whatever they wish and to behave according to their own whims.  This long-term study found that children raised in laissez-faire fashion grew up to have difficulty cooperating and getting along with others.  Those from democratic families found it hard to make decisions as adults.  Those raised by authoritarian parents were the most well-adjusted adults, able to make decisions, follow rules, and cooperate with others.”  So if dad tends toward harsh and punitive, or just rather jelly-fish-ish, perhaps these are areas you can explore together!
  • For the first seven years, the Eliums recommend a style of parenting with few choices, limited media, using gentle physical help to guide a child as opposed to lots of words, and to look at our daughters from a place of kindness and understanding.  Sound like Waldorf to me, and like so many of the posts I have written on here to STOP TALKING and START DOING.  Help dad to know how to use your environment, your rhythm, stable patterns of sleep and eating and being firmly entrenched in the home.  Stop over-explaining to your three, four, five and even six and seven year old.  Let Dad in on this secret!  Let him help you, model it for him, talk about it when it comes up, get on the same page!  But don’t nag, because nagging truly doesn’t work.  Parenting is a process, and many mothers want to parent as if they are alone – there are two of you, and both of you have to be comfortable.  Talk with each other!
  • Know your developmental stages, and especially understand the developmental stages  regarding sexuality,  because for many parents most  of the fears for their little girls revolve around sexual issues.   Talk with dad and decide together how you will handle such common things as “playing doctor”, masturbation by your daughter during the early years as this is common, and how you will handle the possibility of scarier sexual subjects such as molestation and sexual abuse.  Talk about how you will work to protect your daughter’s safety.
  • Talk together about protecting your child’s infancy!   Discuss and provide fun activities for the whole family to do together that meets your needs and family values….But again, give dad the space and time to come up with his own things to do with his child during “their time”.  They will work it out, and your daughter will so benefit from fathering and seeing their parents work as partners and as two separate people who love them very much.

 

Just food for thought,

Carrie

Another Three-Day Challenge: Rediscovering the Joy in Parenting

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I have written a three day challenge in the past that was very, very popular.  You can view that one here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/01/take-my-three-day-challenge/

This week, I am choosing a different focus for a three-day challenge.  I have seen so many mothers who say they like to be home with their kids, they are glad to be there, yet they seem stressed and joy-less.  Everything is extremely serious in their household, everything is taken very seriously.

So, for the three days of your choosing this week, let’s try to combat this.  Here are some thoughts to get you going:

How many times a day do I respond to my child with HUMOR?

How many times a day do I SMILE at my child and either give my child a hug, a pat on the back or HOLD my small child?

How many times a day do I let something that is not the essential part of our family life slide?  (In other words, do I know what the essential is in our family?  See the post on writing a family mission statement for help here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/ ).  This is just about choosing battles.  You cannot save your big reactions for the big things if every single thing is  a big thing!

How many times a day do I sit down and have some FUN with my kids?  Do we ever play a game, read together, sing together or make music together, roller skate together, look at stars or something in nature together?

Look for these things this week; you will be a better mother because of it!

Change your thoughts and attitude and change the tone in your household.

Peace,

Carrie