One of the most popular posts I ever wrote was talking about “defiance” in children under the age of six. In part, I wrote:
They are not “defiant”; defiance implies a fully conscious knowing of right and wrong and choosing to do the opposite, wrong, thing. Since in the land of Waldorf parenting we believe the first seven years are a dreamy state, a state where logical thought has not yet entered, a state where the child is one giant sense organ (an eye!) and just taking in sensory impressions without a filter, there can be no “defiance”. Many times the power struggles we create with our children are a result of our own lack of knowledge of developmental stages, not having the right tools to guide our child, our own inner issues at the moment and not as much to do with the child as we thought!
Of course a small child wants what they want when they want it. This is part of the fact that the small child lives specifically within their bodies and within their WILL. Thinking comes in much later. A two-year-old will push against forms that you create in rhythm; this is why the rhythm is for YOU if you have a child under the age of 6.
But what do we do around age 6 when nearly everything a six year old does can seem mean, antagonistic, or a wrestling of power and clashing of the wills? Doesn’t that behavior seem defiant and aren’t they “old enough” to know better?
Six is still very tiny, my friends. I know it doesn’t seem that way when your oldest is six and you have tinier babies in the house, but six is tiny. Six shows us the beginning glimmer of the polarity that lies in all of us and our ability to make choices that are good and bad and impact others in a real way. Six is not only bigger than five was, but entirely different.
Six year olds are usually stubborn, and have a hard time in making up his or her mind, but once that is done it is difficult to get the child to change his mind. A six year old usually adores his his mother, but at the same time, when things go wrong it is usually Mother’s fault and the Six year-old will take out everything on their Mother. The child is the center of their own universe; the Mother is not the center of the child’s universe.
And yes, six year olds may not get along with siblings, especially younger siblings. They usually want to win and be in charge and have everything. They also love to have friends, but are frequently mean to their friends. A six year old sometimes doesn’t seem to get along with anybody for too long a stretch!
So, as a parent, how do we handle this age?
My answer is with love and connection and the understanding that despite all the surface antagonism toward others, six can be a very insecure age and an age of separation that makes children feel a little insecure and unsure. They are trying to navigate things on their own terms, and often fail, and don’t need to be criticized constantly.
Six year olds need a strong rhythm at home that helps carry things (set bedtimes, meal times, set times to be outside and play), a strong period of time every day to free play and get their physical energy out and be in nature, and an understanding that six is not an age that deals well with overstimulation so to try to keep things calm.
They need a watchful eye when playing with friends of the same age or younger, because they may not be nice. They need calm rules and for you to be the gentle and loving authority to show them how to treat people nicely both within the family and without.
One of the best tricks I have used as a mother of three children now all through the six year old stage were learning calm, stock phrases for that age, which helped me keep calm in the throes of emotion, because the more matter-of-fact you can be, the better things will go:
I am here to help you.
I bet if you eat something/sleep/drink something, you will feel better.
Do you want me to tell you a story and snuggle?
This is just the rule in our family.
Let’s try that again.
Let me give you a minute unless you want my help.
Do you want to (accomplish this) with choice A or choice B?
If you are interested in learning more about the six-year-old, I recommend this back post on The Angry Aggressive Six Year Old. It has almost 70 comments with varying situations, so I bet you can find some thoughts on the situation you are experiencing, or feel free to set up a consult with me the week of April 22-27 through admin@theparentingpassageway.com
Many blessings and lots of love,
Carrie
The Parenting Passageway 
There are so many times I thank the Lord for you Carrie, your wisdom and gentle advice has helped me so much in my parenting journey – I am so thankful to have discovered your website early on and always look forward to your posts. So a very warm thank you to you and for all of your hard work posting on your site.
Thank you Kerri! What kind and encouraging words. Many blessings to you, Carrie
I will use those sentences with my 4 years old 🙂 Thank you
We are expecting a third baby and while he accepted without a second thought his baby brother, this new baby is very challenging his emotions …. so it comes out very “defiant” at times.
I needed some back up and your article, even though written for 6 years old, really gave me just that 😉
Glad that was helpful! Good luck with your third 🙂 Blessings, Carrie
Until I read your article I was beginning to feel like my 6 year old hated me. He’s on the autism spectrum. His whole life I’ve been here every second. We were best friends and did everything together. I had a baby brother for him nearly a year ago and he has been a handful with destroying the house and hitting himself and screaming every time the baby cries. He is starting to get better but feel like he’s still angry with me. I try to have alone time with him but it’s hard when his dad works and family can’t come visit due to covid times.
Hi Sue! I am so glad that post helped you! Six can be a very challenging age, and I hope the other articles about the six year old under the Development tab in the header are also helpful to you! Thank you for being here! Blessings, Carrie
I hope this is a phase. My six year old honestly acted like I was the center of her universe and she thought of me as her best friend- the one who makes everything nice and comfortable, the one who loves and protects. The one who teaches.
then she woke up one day and decided she didn’t like me “ because you are ugly.” I’m objectively not- I know that but the fact she says it really hurts me.
I guess she is the one person who’s opinion I valued and cared about so it’s hard for me.
I can’t find a punishment that helps and am tired of hearing how ugly I am… constantly.
she likes people who look like Kim Kardashian- tan, fillers, makeup- she thinks filter face is nice.
I have a 1920-60s style and dress more like Audrey Hepburn so I guess those two are wildly different beauty ideas but the fact she thinks of me as so ugly she can’t look at me is hurtful.
i don’t know how to fix it.
Hello There. Shamnon
It was lovely for you to find my blog; perhaps some of the other posts on the six year old will be helpful to you as you navigate this new season. If you go up to the header and click “development” there should be a tab for the six year old and you can read all of the six year old posts. There is also a great book by Ruth Ker (editor) called “You’re Not The Boss of Me!” and it ‘s a guide to the changes that happen at ages 6 and 7.
I think if you go back and read those posts, you will understand more about the perspective of childhood development that I am writing about. It is based in Piaget, in general childhood development theory, in the methodology used in Waldorf Schools. So, take what works for you and leave the rest.
From my perspective, it is very important that you tighten up her access to the outside world a bit. At age six, she really shouldn’t be concerned with fillers or the Kardashians or even “beautiful” standards. She should be concerned with being kind to others, respectful in her home, and that the world is a good place and a safe place and how she can be helpful to others. So if she says things about being ugly, I would say, “Goodness, we speak kindly to each other in our home and that is not nice” and I would direct her into whatever work you have available in your home. She could help you fold things, clean things, cook, garden outside. Distract, distract. I would never get into a verbal argument over things with a six year old. If she is so strange about things that she can’t look at you then that is a very clear sign she cannot handle whatever media she is being exposed to. She needs to be physically active and busy outside playing and moving her body nonstop. She should be physically tired at the end of the day and ready for bed.
If she persists, I would say something like, “Kindness and having a good heart is what matters the most. I am here to guide and protect you. You may not speak like that as it is disrespectful.” And if she is going to “ugly on the inside” she could go to her room (without screens!) and come out when she is ready to be kind. We just don’t treat people like that, let alone our mother.
You CANNOT value the opinion of a six year old. They change with the wind. When they have a good imagination one day they are a dragon and the next a lumberjack and the third day a giant. They are very distractible usually. I wouldn’t chit chat with her like an adult friend. They can be your friend later on – my adult children and my husband and I are really close and friends and spend a lot of time together but in order to get to that point your six year old needs to be a six year old. They do not have the consciousness to be a miniature adult because they do not have the brain development for that so they will turn into the mean girl. She needs to be back into being a tiny six year old whose opinions and whims change on a dime. She holds no power over you with her opinion. “Oh, I am beautiful and you are too. Please come help me sort this silverware. Can you put the forks away?” or “Oh, I am beautiful and you are too. I was thinking of making a pie for dinner. Do you like apple or cherry? Let’s go get the ingredients.” No power……
I don’t know if that will resonate with you as I am coming from a very different perspective of childhood development and boundaries.
Hopefully something in there will be helpful! I am so sorry things are kind of a struggle right now. Big hugs! Carrie
Hopefully you saw my reply! 🙂 Blessings, Carrie