How is everyone doing reading along in this fabulous book? We are up to Chapters 9 and 10, and these are great chapters.
Chapter 9 is entitled, “Parenting Responses That Affect Self-Esteem” and it gives a number of different scenarios with responses from a nurturing parent, a structured parent, a marshmallow parent, and a criticizing parent. I think this could be really helpful to parents new to different developmental stages. If you are curious about the differences in these responses, I refer you to the scenarios but in a nutshell:
Nurturing Responses – based on respect, love, support, encourages self-responsibility, parents help children, children are seen as having capacity to grow and succeed, warm
Structuring Responses – also based on respect, but offer more set limits and sometimes demands a performance outcome; expects children to be capable and responsible. This kind of response can work well WITH a nurturing response.
Marshmallow Responses – grants freedom but doesn’t make a child accountable or responsible. It sounds supportive, but in reality views children as inadequate and incapable. It blames others, or the situation for a problem. Views children as fragile.
Criticizing Responses – based on disrespect, ridicule, blaming, fault finding, comparing, labeling. Humor is often cruel, touch is not warm but instead punishing.
What style do you use the most? The good news is that it is possible to change your response style! You can catch your children being good, you can find the things they are doing right, you can give up blaming and fault finding. Mistakes can be fixed, and children can learn responsibility!
Chapter 10 is about parents being leaders. I love this, as it was one of the first topics I ever blogged about when I started this blog 10 YEARS ago! So, if we are going to be leaders, we need
1- Vision, direction, goals.
2- We need to communicate our vision, direction, goals.
3. We need to keep focused
4. – We need to consider the needs of others – we are team as a family! This is the FIRST place that children learn teamwork. Team sports are awesome, but the family is the first team!
5. – Support the progress – support over the obstacles.
6.- Expect success!
If you are a REACTIVE parent, you are reacting, usually with threats, force, criticism, humiliation, ridicule, punishment. We can, instead, be proactive! What are the biggest sticking points for the day? How could thing flow smoother? What is our big vision as a family and how are we communicating that? If you want to see more, here is a post I wrote some time ago about writing a Family Mission Statement. Pages 93-94 of this book also talk about crafting a vision of a Winning Family.
A closing thought from page 94: “If you live your life from your highest values, you will bring peace and compassion to your family, community, and world.”
The change begins with us! Please leave me a comment and if you have a link to your Family Mission Statement, I would love to read it!
Blessings and love,