For several years now I had been in this period of life where things were sometimes light, sometimes dark, but usually just a mingled grey. It started with overwhelm as things slowly happened one after another, built up and then moved into this climax of life: people passed away that I loved and things that I loved died. I hung on to being in the now, because the future seemed far away and murky with nothing there to really grasp or see. I also felt like I was in the “middle” a lot, and just didn’t feel strongly enough to “really” fit anywhere. All I had was the faith that God had a plan for me, and perhaps, yes, even a plan for the me that I am outside of my own children and family. I felt like He was calling me to something, but I had no idea what.
In this Eastertide, in this very first inkling with the seedlings of the earth, several things started mingling in my head and my heart….It started with a look at a Master’s Program in healing education some time ago; it continued with lots of reading and going through Lent and digging into Anglicanism…and it is still germinating with my visit to a biodynamic farm where the owner’s words about loving the earth and loving and nourishing each other echo in my head.
Newness is germinating inside me, like a little seed. Whereas I spent last summer so empty (https://theparentingpassageway.com/2013/07/01/emptiness/), I am hoping that this summer is a path to fullness and to love. I feel like I am poised to learn something and do something new, to be new and to bring something new to others. We are all at our best when we can share our journeys and what we have learned with each other in love. Love is the pathway of all of humanity, especially in education and parenting.
I will keep you posted as to what all that might mean as I figure it out myself, but something new is entering…
Thank you for sharing your journey, Carrie, with such honesty and illumination. Wishing you more of both!
I am so glad for you! I am sure the “seeds” will bear beautiful fruit.
Blessings on your tiny seed, and the faith we must all carry that our way will emerge, our garden will grow from the fallow times…
Oh I love to see you sharing your inner musings! As I was reading, I was wondering if you were going to compare your inner state with middle school, with the middle grades, if somehow there is a connection there…
xoxo ~*~*~ Lisa Boisvert MackenzieEditor :: The Wonder of Childhood on FB Homeschool Curriculum and Parenting Blog:: Celebrate the Rhythm of Life on FB Discussion Group :: Waldorf Early Childhood ~ Bringing it Home on FB
I resonate so much with this post. You are on a pilgrimage of utter importance, yet hidden within the life’s tragedies and her tendernesses, her mundane tasks and delicious sparks of fire (that farm!). I really feel that idea, that we are sometimes two, both happy and sad, both defeated and victorious. I often think of the funny Fawkes the phoenix in Harry Potter, the decrepit old bird who bursts into flames in front of poor Harry’s eyes. Harry is, of course, surprised and upset, but then Dumbledore informs him that it was time for him to die, and good thing for he was looking awful, and out bursts this new beautiful baby bird from the ashes. What a powerful and funny scene, and I think we as humans embody all those characters; the phoenix within us of the death of the old and birth of the new, (emptiness and seeds), and the part of us scared and utterly helpless during this process (Harry) and then the quiet, calm voice reminding us that this is natural and good (Dumbledore). Ah, I have gone off on a tangent this morning. Too much coffee, perhaps. I am enlivened by this post today. I am so often in this boat of metaphorical death and life and emptiness, and I am so comforted to know you also navigate these currents. xoxox-Andrea
Love you Andrea and the phoenix analogy! Why don’t we live closer again, my twinnie?
Read this this morning. It’s from Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening”:
If I contradict myself, I contradict myself. I contain multitudes. ~ Walt Whitman
“We create patterns that others depend on, and then the last thing we ever imagined happens; we grow and then to stay vital we must break the patterns we created.
There is no blame or fault in this. It is commonplace in nature. Watch the ocean and shore do their dance of buildup and crumble and you’ll see this happen daily.
We know we are close to this threshold when we hear someone say, ‘You’re not yourself,’ or ‘That was out of character for you.’ What is difficult at this juncture is to resist either complying with how others see us or withholding who we really are.
The challenge, which I don’t do well but stay committed to, is to say to those we love, ‘I am more than I have shown you and more than you are willing to see. Let’s work our love and know each other more fully.”
This is an awareness meditation:
As you move through your interactions today, notice whether you arecomplying with how others see you or withholding who you are.
After each interaction, simply breathe slowly once or twice and return to the fullness of who you are.
Wishing you love, light and clarity, my dear one.
Your emptiness post resonated with me, as I feel this strange pull both backward and forward, with a struggle to focus lovingly on there here and now. Best of luck and all good things with your seed.
I relate to your post too – that feeling of grey and being in the ‘middle’ a lot. I find it hard to keep faith. So this sharing is very inspirational to me. Many thanks for sharing, Carrie 🙂
Carrie, please know and understand that you have helped me so much. I believe God sent you to me through your email updates. You have helped me greatly especially in being a mother and dealing with my child in a compassionate way. You have given me wisdom which is only from above. I thank you so much and I hope you never stop blogging as God has definitely answered some of my prayers/queries through your writings.
Thank you for your honesty. I find it hard to relate to other mothers because they put up a shield that everything is perfect at all times.
Your beautiful and honest writing is a great inspiration to me!
Thank you for sharing! I enjoy your blog, as I read it and walk away feeling uplifted and connected to you. I don’t homeschool, but your posts and the thoughtfulness, the insight, the encouragement to be in sync (or a rhythm) with my children have been a blessing for YEARS. I have been there too Carrie and I know that better things are coming for you, things that are less gray. Hang in there, you’ve shared so much positivity with the world, it will work back to you. Blessings!
Thank you JessE for your very kind words, your thoughts, your loyal readership.
Blessings to you,
Carrie, you are so dear! I look forward to hearing more about this new seed and wish for you the best in its germination.