Monthly Archives: September 2009

20 Days To Being A More Mindful Mother

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Hoo-boy, don’t  you hate it when you see titles like this in a magazine and you read it and think, “Yeah, right!  Some pithy little piece that will never change my life!”

I think those things as well when I see titles like these, so I cannot believe I am embarking on a series like this as well!   Interestingly enough,  this blog has MANY new readers (hi there, new readers!)  In fact, this blog is getting anywhere from 650-800 hits a day  now, which is really amazing to me.  I feel very humble about the whole thing, how this has grown from a tiny little thing just about a year ago to now!  Thank you to all  of you!  I so enjoy hearing from all of you and your thoughts, and walking with you.  You all know my theory that as mothers we should not have to re-invent the wheel and walk this path alone!

So, in that spirit, I would like to offer you the next 20 days to round-up some of the fundamental things I believe about childhood development, realistic expectations, inner work, spiritual homemaking and Waldorf.  I hope it will be fun for all of us!

So, without further ado, let’s dive into Day Number One:  Inner Work.  (I hear the groans; you all just KNEW I was going to say that, didn’t you??)

So, for the next 20 days, I want you to commit with me that you will start some form of inner work for  yourself for ten minutes a day.

In the past we have looked at Family Mission Statements here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/

but what I was thinking about in this part is that perhaps some of you would be interested in creating Your Very Own Personal Mission Statement as part of this daily time.  Grab some paper and a pencil and jot down some answers to these questions:

What do you feel called to do and to be?

What are you passionate about?

What were you passionate about before you had kids?

What are two strengths that you have?

How could you use these two strengths?

How does your homemaking and raising a beautiful family fit into doing something for the rest of the world?

What are the things you model for your children that you are most proud of?

If you had to name three things that are your top values, what would they be?  Here is a pretty long list of different values to choose from:  http://www.timethoughts.com/goalsetting/ListOfSampleValues.htm

Stephen Covey is well-known for his approach to personal, family and business management through mission statements.  Here is a link to his website:  https://www.stephencovey.com/mission-statements.php

Of course, inner work can also be seen from a different view than just  mission statements.  Many people consider inner work to be the work that increases their sense of calmness, centeredness, peacefulness.  For some people this means living in the moment without judgment as to their own feelings, for some people this includes meditation practices, yoga, tai chi, walking or developing their inner life through art.  Many families find increased personal development through a specific religious path and prayer.

There are several other things often mentioned with inner work.  One of these is the concept of self-forgiveness and forgiveness in general and the other is meditating on the child.  I think these are important as well, and will include these in later blog posts for a complete focus.

The other piece of inner work to mention is the work one does with one’s own spirituality.  Many people these days do not seem to have strong religious or spiritual beliefs.  I heard some statistics somewhere, I cannot remember where at this point, that stated approximately 15 percent of the US population now has no religious affiliation at all, and almost 2 percent of the US population is now atheist.  I am sure if one looked at people who said they believed in something higher than themselves but had no structured religious or spiritual practice, the number would be high.

I encourage you  as part of your inner work during the next 20 days to explore where spirituality, religion and your beliefs in these areas come into play in your life and in what you model for your children.  Many children come into wanting answers regarding something higher than themselves around the age of  nine or ten year, and demonstrate wanting to be a different religion than what they are or wanting to experience something religious or spiritual if that has not been a part of their upbringing.  These are questions to think about now so you can provide the best guidance for your child during these times.

That completes some thoughts for Day Number One! 

Happy pondering, and most of all, happy DOING!  Make your commitment, pick a time of the day and stick to it!  I will be waiting to hear your progress!

Carrie

A Few Fast Words Regarding “Defiance” In Children Under the Age of 6

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Does this exist?

From a Waldorf perspective, children in the first seven year cycle are neither inherently good nor bad but learning.  They are not “defiant”; defiance implies a fully conscious knowing of right and wrong and choosing to do the opposite, wrong, thing.  Since in the land of Waldorf parenting we believe the first seven years are a dreamy state, a state where logical thought has not yet entered, a state where the child is one giant sense organ (an eye!) and just taking in sensory impressions without a filter, there can be no “defiance”. Many times the power struggles we create with our children are a result of our own lack of knowledge of developmental stages, not having the right tools to guide our child, our own inner issues at the moment and not as much to do with the child as we thought!

Of course a small child wants what they want when they want it.  This is part of the fact that the small child lives specifically within their bodies and within their WILL.  Remember, Waldorf is about willing, feeling, and thinking.  Thinking comes in much later.  A two-year-old  will push against forms that you create in rhythm; this is why the rhythm is for YOU if you have a child under the age of 6.  If your child does not want to participate in what is going on at the moment, you are still DOING it yourself and the child may or may not join in.  This is another reason to not “push” official “school” with a child of three or four; in the classroom environment there is a whole class with older children doing the same thing  to help hold the space but at home the child has perhaps no other age to carry them along.

As far as “not listening” which seems to be the most common compliant hooked into “defiance” (ie, I tell them something and they don’t do it) (and by the way, I hear this in the part of the country where I live starting with one-year-olds!  My one-year-old doesn’t listen!  They are so naughty!), a small child is not SUPPOSED to listen. 

Yes, re-read that for a moment.  You may think this is a very radical statement!

Read it again.  Your 2, 3, 4, and yes even 5 year old is living in their BODY,  not in their head.  When you give them a “verbal command” and they have to go up into their head to process it, this is involving thinking, which is something Waldorf educators see children using as a dominant way to respond to an environment LATER.  It is NOT that small children do not think, it is NOT that they do not have thoughts, important thoughts!!,  but that they live in the moment, they have this will to do what they want without many overriding mechanisms at this point to slow things down. They are LEARNING.

From an attachment parenting perspective, we also do not look at the small child as being “defiant” or “naughty.”  We look at what the child might be feeling underneath the behavior being displayed.  We look at what we can modify in the environment.  We look at how we can calmly guide the child in the situation. 

We look at this in Waldorf as well, it is just in Waldorf we tend not to ask as many questions of the child because we feel words may not be the best way to communicate with the small child who is living in the BODY. We try to communicate through movement, through fantasy, through song and verse.  This changes as the child grows!  It does not last forever!

With both Waldorf and attachment parenting, we strive to look at NORMAL developmental behavior.  A three, four and five ear old, even a six-year-old may throw themselves on the floor, throw an object, scream and cry.  Dressing themselves with only a reminder comes in at the AVERAGE age of five.  If you are having trouble with a specific age, please, please use the tags sidebar and click on the age that is problematic right now to you:  the three-year-old, the-four-year-old, etc etc.  Four and six seem to be ages that give parents the MOST trouble.  There are many posts specifically geared to these ages.

If you feel you are having difficulty with changing your mindset from a punitive, punishment, my –child –is –wrong –and- I –am –right- mindset with a small child, this is not going to get you going anywhere great.  Here are some posts to help you!

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/17/raising-peaceful-children/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/16/mindful-parenting-practices-that-every-parent-should-know/

and my personal favorite regarding how we create battlefields where we and our children are on opposite sides:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/the-battlefield-of-the-mind-anger-and-parenting/

This is about realistic expectations for toddlers and includes the different disciplinary styles of families:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/10/tripping-into-the-toddler-years/

If you are still saying, well, but MY child does this and i have no tools, I urge you to call your local La Leche League Chapter or Attachment Parenting Chapter.  Many times the Leaders there can help you troubleshoot discipline issues and challenges over the phone and give helpful, gentle suggestions!  They may also have special meetings geared JUST to gentle discipline.

Gentle discipline does NOT mean not setting boundaries, but we try to do it in a way that respects the child’s developmental stage, keep the child’s dignity intact and guide the child.  Here are examples of ways to set limits for toddlers in gentle ways with consideration for the child:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/11/common-toddler-challenges-and-how-to-solve-them/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/09/potty-training-with-love/

 THE THREE YEAR OLD:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/

THE FOUR YEAR OLD:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/03/more-about-the-four-year-old/   and this one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/07/peaceful-life-with-a-four-year-old/

THE FIVE YEAR OLD:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/23/peaceful-living-with-the-six-year-old/

THE SIX YEAR OLD:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/23/peaceful-living-with-the-six-year-old/

THE SEVEN YEAR OLD:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/19/peaceful-living-with-your-seven-year-old/

and for the big picture, some tools:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/top-10-must-have-tools-for-gentle-discipline/

We set boundaries, but many times we often deal with things indirectly!  Here is an example a mom sent in, and here is how I might have handled that:

(This is a four-year-old):  The situation was this: 

This morning, she wanted to sit in our car-daddy got in & drove away to work -she pitched a fit, threw a little car she was holding. I told her she may not throw her toys. So she threw a little soft toy she was holding with her other hand. So I told her to sit down right where she was. “i will not sit down’ hmmm. So I say, you may stay put until you sit down & carried on with the skipping game with her older sister. Eventually she sat down.

What was the feeling of the little girl?  Perhaps she wanted her daddy to stay home, perhaps she just wanted to play in the car but daddy needed to go right then, perhaps she just wanted to try out pretending to go to work with daddy.  Let’s attribute positive intent!

Maybe I would have said, “You really wanted to go to work today!  Did you know that even animals go to work?  Once upon a time, there was  a frog who really wanted to go to work too, but he couldn’t jump!  (take chalk and draw two lines, I assume this situation happened in the driveway or the garage to involve a car??).  Can you be a frog and show me how to hop over these two lines?”

Perhaps I would have said, “Oh, I see cars on the floor!  Maybe they need a road! “ and get out something to draw or build a road.

Perhaps I would have said, “Wow, I really could use your help! I can’t figure out how many times in a row your sister can skip!  Maybe we could count together?”

Perhaps she needed a snack and then we put the toy cars back in the garage together!

Those are just some examples of an indirect way to approach things; distraction is a very viable tool even up through age 7 and we often forget!  Restitution is also VERY important, but we cannot force restitution in the moment of flooding emotion, we must calm down and go back to it.  Forcing the child to do “X” when they are upset and you are upset is not a productive learning tool; a sincere opportunity exists for learning when the flooded moment has passed.  But this is still through action, not so many words!

Hope these thoughts are helpful and many blessings on your day as you become the peaceful parent you want to be!

Lots of love,

Carrie

An Iron Fist or A Feather?

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I know  many mothers who believe that being the Queen of Their Home means essentially micro-managing every single thing in their home.  Answering every single question or word uttered by their child.  It means managing not only homeschooling, the chores around the home, but the people as well – Dad, the children, the dog.

I believe if you are the Queen of Your Home, you will rule more gently than that!  A rhythm is not a micro-managed schedule – it is an order, but it does not preclude stopping for warmth, love, hugs and kisses and fun!  It does not involve hovering over each member of the family, but it does involve Loving Accountability for the children.

How many of us have done this with their older children?

Mother:  Please pick your clothes up off the floor!

Child:  In a minute, I have to go to the bathroom!

Mother:  Okay, when you come out of the bathroom, please pick up your clothes.

(Child running around and jumping on other siblings)

Mother:  Come and pick up your clothes please!

(Child wrestling with dog and building jump for dog out of pillows)

Mother:  Are you sure you flushed?  Can you come and pick up these clothes now as I asked?

Big sigh here.

Loving Accountability for the child under the age of 7 would be to do the activity with the child to help them be on task.  For example, on average, a child begins to dress himself with reminders at age 5- this is the average age!  An average age to dress himself without reminders or help needed is age 10!

So, step number one would be to be familiar with normal developmental expectations!  Is what you asking reasonable?  What age is your child?  Is your child under the age of 7?    Step number two would be to understand you cannot be a verbal-only parent with a child under the age of 7.  Step number three would be to realize that you are doing a disservice for your child over the age of 7 by consistently micro-managing what you ask them to do.  Say it once, help the child if it is a new task and they need to learn, break it down into steps with them, practice it together  over a period of time and when they have it the task down give them ownership of it.  If the clothes are not picked up the floor, oh dear,  I guess I can read you the chapter of this book when the clothes jump into that drawer!  Not a punishment there, just a gentle prod of ownership and Loving Accountability.

You can have a wonderful rhythm to your day where the family helps participate in the loving care of the home!  Put away The Iron Fist and live with the notion of Loving Accountability and a light-as- a-feather touch.  A Queen should never be ruffled in her own castle!

Quiet confidence in parenting is a great strength!  Test yourself this week:  what expectations do I have?  Are they reasonable?  Am I ruling with An Iron Fist or a Feather?  Am I exuding quiet confidence and holding the space with quiet calmness or am I completely exasperated?  If you feel calm and confidence, this will decrease your anger as a parent.

This week in your inner work, see if you can ponder the images of An Iron Fist or A Feather.  See if you can understand that while many times we become angry in parenting, we can also choose to back up the train and respond with calmness and confidence if we keep in mind normal developmental expectations, the developmental needs and responsiveness of children under and over 7, how to assist an older child in learning a task, and giving them ownership and accountability.  Being mindful in the face of stress is an area of practice and focus for many of us!

May your touch be as light as a feather this week in your home,

Carrie

Is Your Home A Sanctuary?

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If you have small children and read this blog, you know the mantra I have regarding the need to entrench your small children firmly in the home and the need for us as parents to be careful about establishing rhythm at home and being happy in the home before we start adding many outside errands or activities.  Part of Waldorf in our homes is learning and practicing many practical life skills for the small child to see and emulate – and how can we do this if we are not home?

One thing to consider with being home is our physical environment.  We probably all have areas of our homes we would like to improve, but being home does not mean we need to have an expensive house or furnishings to be happy.

One of the first things one can do to improve the physical beauty of the home is to seriously look at the amount of stuff and clutter in the home and pare it all down.  Many folks are first attracted to Waldorf because of all those beautiful wooden toys – interesting that Steiner often discussed how the best toys were extremely simple and homemade, and yet we have this cottage industry of many, many toys.  Pare down your toys, the amount of clothes your kids have and how many things you have.  Your small home will seem spacious!

The second thing may be to consider unusual uses of space.  I currently have a lovely school room in my dining room area and my dining room in a sunroom area.  The dining room is more contained for homeschooling (ie, can’t see it from the front door when you walk in) and the sunroom area is larger and visible directly from the front door.  Our breakfast nook area off the kitchen is a also now a playroom to keep the children close whilst I cook or clean.

Paint is something to consider as well.  The right shade of paint can really warm a room and make it inviting.  Evaluate your furniture as well – if you painted this piece of furniture or changed the drawer pulls, would it look totally different?  Many times this is just as good as getting new furniture!  Can you reupholster anything? 

Rugs, curtains and pillows are last.  If you can sew, that is so helpful but even if you cannot, perhaps you can find wonderful thrift store bargains.  Can you take down the blinds and clean them all before you put up new curtains?

Then look at the outside of your house.  Does it need painting?  Pressure washing? Mulch?  Is the front entry inviting? If you enter through the garage can you walk through the garage?  Does the garage need painting?

This is a lot about the physical environment because I think when we are home all day the physical clutter, cleanliness and appearance of our homes can really affect how we feel!

Of course, the most important aspect of the home is the aspect of ensoulement.  Is your home a happy place to be?  A place where your children feel most calm and peaceful? Is it a warm and friendly place?  Is is a place where if a relative fell asleep on the sofa that would be okay and even welcomed?  Does your home attract people to want to come and be in it?

Happy cleaning!

Carrie

A Few Resources For The Nine-Year-Change

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I got an email this morning from Rahima Baldwin Dancy regarding resources for the nine-year change and since it was so timely I  thought I would pass the suggestions onto all of  you:

First of all, I have mentioned this article in other posts on this blog but here is the link again for the free article regarding the nine-year-change:  http://www.waldorfinthehome.org/2005/01/parenting_the_nine_year_old.html. 

I have passed that article on to many parents, Waldorf and non-Waldorf alike!

I love Daena Ross and her presentation on the 12 senses.  Here is one I have not heard but will be checking out soon:  her  workshop on “The Nine-Year Change”.  It  is available in CD format for only $12.50 plus shipping at http://www.waldorfinthehome.org/2007/07/the_nineyear_change.html.

And finally, Rahima writes,  “If you have a daughter who is approaching (or in the midst of) puberty, I highly recommend signing on for our free tele-seminar with DeAnna L’am, author of Becoming Peers—Mentoring Girls into Womanhood. On Tuesday, Oct. 6th I will be interviewing DeAnna, who was a keynote speaker at our last conference in California, “Educating Our Children—Changing the World.”  If you are a mother, grandmother, stepmother, aunt or any woman with a special girl in her life, you won’t want to miss this discussion of ways to prepare yourself for her puberty and ways to lay a foundation for lifelong friendship with your daughter.  If you can’t make the live interview at 1:00 pm Pacific Time on Tuesday, Oct 6th, you can still sign up to receive the free recording.  To learn more, or to sign up, click on http://www.deannalam.com/deannalam_020.htm.”

Other audio resources include the CDs of Betty Staley’s keynote, “It’s Never too Early to Prepare for Adolescence”  (which I have the CD of and really should review on this blog!  Boy, so many things to cover and so little time!).  William Bento’s workshop, “Adolescence: A Grail Journey of the Heart.”   I am not familiar with William Bento, but it may be worth checking out.  Rahima advises just entering  their last names into the search engine at www.waldorfinthehome.com.

Hope that helps some of you!  Happy Friday!

Carrie

The Eight-Year-Old: A View From Waldorf Education

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(In Waldorf homeschooling, a child should be eight for most of second grade, so hence the references below to a second grader is also reference to an eight-year-old – Carrie)

Donna Simmons writes in her “Waldorf Curriculum Overview for Homeschoolers” that:   “The difference between First Graders and Second Graders can be quite startling:  the way they play together, run around the house, behave in group situations…one really gets a sense that Second Graders have arrived!”

Torin M. Finser writes in the  book “School As A Journey:  The Eight-Year-Odyssey of a Waldorf Teacher and His Class”:  “After the first day of second grade I found myself scratching my head and asking:  Where are the real Doug, Marc, Kirsten, Michael, Eben, Susan, Jacob?  Did they forget to show up?  After the second day my inner questioning was more intense:  what had happened to the open-hearted, naive, reverent, respectful children I had enjoyed last year?  Was this some kind of cruel joke?”

He notices that the children had changed, that they were more lively, that they were in constant movement, that they lived in extremes over the smallest thing, and every child now had an opinion about everything!

In “Second Grade”, an article by Manette Teitelbaum in the book, “Waldorf Education:  A Family Guide”, the author writes how “Energies freed from the process of forming the body now awaken the subjective world of feeling – wonder, pity, joy, tenderness and sorrow.  These are the currents of air upon which these new little butterflies will rise, on which they will find their relationship to the world about them.”

A HUGE part, the MAIN part of Waldorf Second Grade is to work on the balance and harmonizing of the child.  For example, the juxtaposition of the Legends of Saints and the Trickster Tales speak strongly to the child searching for a balance between the duality of emotions and actions here on earth.

Donna Simmons notes in her “Waldorf Curriculum Overview” this important note:  “Unless they have been prematurely woken up and have already slid into acting like the jaded child caricatures seen of TV, eight-year-olds are still very open and trusting about the world.  If one takes to heart the Waldorf pedagogical maxim that beauty, truth and goodness should surround the child to thereby aid his full development as a human being, then one will take care to shelter him from societal influences that encourage premature sexuality, intellectualism and cynicism.”

Steiner lectured about this age in the compilation “Soul Economy” in a lecture entitled, “Children From the Seventh to the Tenth Year” given on December 31, 1921.  He discusses the changes with the coming of the second teeth and how the spiritual forces are now affecting the rhythmic movement of the heart and the lungs. “During the first phase (and by this he means the change of teeth until about the end of the ninth year), children want to experience everything that comes toward them in relation to their own inner rhythms- everything associated with beat and measure.”  He discusses how the images formed by seeing everything in the world now acts mainly on the rhythmic system of movement.

He goes on to comment, “With the change of teeth new soul forces  of feeling, linked to breathing and blood circulation, come into their own, with the result that children begin to distance themselves from others, whom they now experience as individuals.  This creates in them a longing to follow the adult in every way, looking up to adults with shy reverence.”

All of these passages highlight important clues as how to best live with and help guide an eight-year-old.  In our next and last post regarding the eight-year-old, we will look at how to peacefully live with an  eight-year-old.

Many blessings,

Carrie

More About “Social Experiences” For the Four-Year-Old

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This is a GREAT comment from a reader regarding my post on “Social Experiences for a Four-Year-Old” that can be found here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/07/social-experiences-for-a-four-year-old/   and a few thoughts from me I wanted to share.  Here is the comment:

“I’m two ways about this idea. On the one hand, humans are social creatures, and I think that includes children of all ages. In a close knit community, children would have endless opportunities for playing. It would be more like an extended family, rather than a “play date.” On the other hand, children in our culture really do not seem to play that well together. And I’ve found over the past couple days of my parents and brother being away (my son (2.5) and I live with them), my son’s behavior has improved tremendously, which I have found to be the case before when we’ve been alone for a while together. Anyway, I wonder what your thoughts are on only children, and on our isolated nuclear families (which seems unnatural to me, since humans are so social) in relation to this idea of staying home.”

I agree with you!  In a close-knit community, a community that is like an extended family,  there are LOTS of opportunities to play and to see play modeled for our smallest children by other children of all ages.  My neighborhood actually still functions much like that with children in third and fourth grade playing alongside the preschoolers.

I also love the idea of just extended family in general.  I grew up as an only child raised by grandparents, which does not sound like the pinnacle of socialization…..However, my grandparents were in business with my Dad and my Uncle who came to dinner every night during the week, my great-grandmother also lived with us,  my grandmother had five brothers and sisters who would come frequently for extended visits (weeks, a month, whatever) and bring along their children and grand-children and I lived in a neighborhood where probably ten of us or more played outside daily.  I also have so many cousins; last time I went home for Thanksgiving I think there was at least 40 or so of us who gathered.   Our household  was  also the kind that always had neighbors, kids, everyone just hanging out.   So, while I was and am an only child,  I felt anything but alone!

However, and I think this is the caveat, is that in our society at this time, the push is not toward  extended families for socialization or even for free play experiences of children that span wide ages.  Let’s focus on free play for a moment.  The push is for four-year-olds to all be together, or for four and five year olds to be together, but not to put eight and nine and ten year olds together with preschoolers.  (That is why I ALWAYS advise to start play dates with children of the same age with some structured activity because unless they are very, very social and have had lots of group experiences (and even if they have had these experiences!) there are bound to be problems without the modeling influence of children who are four or more years older or parents).

I also feel due to the general nature of our fast-paced, get-in-the-car-go-somewhere-every day society, our children probably need way less stimulation than they are getting and need parents who are more conscious about keeping those twelve senses protected. This includes play dates, playgroups and other outings, especially for children under the age of 6.

Another interesting issue with “play groups” etc, is that parents act as if it is unnatural if their small children want to stay near them and just watch.  We forget that indeed if a small child was playing with a large group of truly mixed ages, a small child would likely be watching more than participating, or they may be imitating and playing along the sidelines, so to speak rather than in the midst of everything.    I am thinking of videos I have seen of village life or whatnot.  The smaller ones watch and participate when ready.  Here, I think it is more, “I bring my child to playgroup and they just stand there and what is wrong with my child?!”

I think the other problem  we are encountering as a society is that  we are pushing so many classes and lessons and structure for this age group (3-6) that we are really destroying the foundation of the Early Years of childhood.  We are taking the time period when in years gone by a four and five year old would still be napping and seen as little and playing with mud pies and  essentially filling up their days the way we do as adults and then counting these classes and lessons as “social” experiences.  In the United States I feel public PreK and Kindergarten is also turning into this as well, because the push is not to play with blocks and color and put on plays but to sit as a desk and learn to read and write.

In order to combat all of these realities of where we are today, I do believe that the family is the structure for socialization at this point and the preference should be for firm entrenchment within the home and then branching out into the neighborhood.  I prefer having the big extended family for socialization, but realize that this is not reality for many people these days.  Some families create their own “extended families” out of friends with small children, but unless you live in the same neighborhood it seems this involves lots of  planning, getting in a car, etc, all of which can be hard on a small child.

My vote is to work on creating the  rhythms within the home, strengthening your own inner calm, simplifying life, carrying your child warmly within the family structure you have, forming your own adult network of parenting friends (but not necessarily dragging your child into it because this is adult support for YOU!) and then when your child is five and a half or six thinking more about the once a week out-of-home play date and such. 

I am well aware this is a counter-cultural view.  However, the protective bubble of staying home  that Waldorf parenting should be about really is for the first seven years.  Around eight years of age, rest times every day are VERY important, sleep is very important, but it is a good age to get out and do things.  This time of less stimulation is really short!  And the time to socialize is quite long; many children also experience profound changes within their social relationships around the nine-year-change and into the teenaged years.  It seems to me the experiences of a three-year-old  and four-year-old socializing plays way less into successful later socialization than we consider, but that the effects of over-stimulation and of assaulting the twelve senses lingers and influences things for much longer and in much greater ways than we probably imagine. 

Much food for thought tonight, I probably will be pondering this at 2 am!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Embracing and Uplifting

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If I had to perform two gestures that signified Waldorf parenting and Waldorf education, it would be the gesture of embracing and protecting the child but also one of uplifting the child.

To me, there are two things that a child needs.  One thing is unconditional love and warmth and delight in who they are.  This actually can be a very easy thing to say, an easy thing to give lip service to and a much harder thing to face and confront in practice!   For example, many times if a child is very much like us in temperament, we see the worst of ourselves in that child and we so don’t want the child to grow up and be like us!  We try so hard to mold them into something else, anything else,  but not our worst traits!  Don’t be like us!  Or, conversely, sometimes we have children that are so different in temperament than us that we just are not sure how to handle it or where to go with that.  If only they could be a little more quiet, a little less active or only if they would move around more and enjoy being outside more!

How much better if we could forgive ourselves for our perceived inadequacies; how much better if we could show our children how to live with the fact that humans are not perfect; how much better for the child to feel loved and delighted in because they are just the unique them and they are here, in a sense,  to teach US!

And so here comes the second thing that children need: if these children are indeed on a journey to a particular end as set forth by God or by destiny or whatever you believe, and if we are all here to help each other within this family and teach each other, what a child may need from us is guidance.  They may need our help as they adjust to this foreign life on earth, into these growing bodies, into social and cultural customs so they can function in our world and our society.

And sometimes this involves uplifting our child to the next level even if they are not completely happy about it.  That is the hard and fine line of parenting – respecting that the child is here for us to learn from, but also recognizing that we are here to help them, to help them move to the next level when they are ready (or at least to show them gently that the next level exists!) and how to be respectful in doing that.

Part of Waldorf parenting is respect for the idea that a three-year-old is different than a seven-year-old who is different than a ten-year-old.  That is something that really has helped me along my journey, where so many parenting books seem to think all ages can be dealt with in the same way.

Contrary to popular opinion and Stupid Waldorf Myth, in Waldorf parenting and education, the protective bubble of Kindergarten does not last forever.  The approach to Science through the stories of the natural world in the Early Grades does not last forever.  The world does eventually open up to reading newspapers, seeing television programs, being spoken to directly as opposed to modeling and showing the child something to imitate.  All of these things eventually happen!

But, the point is, that there is a time and a place in parenting and in education for what happens when.  There is nothing within the Waldorf curriculum that is willy-nilly, all of it builds upon each thing taught within each year.  The math of the math of the Second Grade builds upon the math of the First Grade; there is not the hodge-podge of things one finds in most curriculums these days.

I think the difference in Waldorf is that it is not ‘program-based” with a promise of The Latest and Greatest Educational Advancement that wear off over time to be replaced by some other Latest and Greatest Educational Advancement.  It is an educational approach and philosophy rooted firmly in childhood development, holistic education and what will help that child attain optimal health and development not only now but as a future adult.

I find Waldorf parenting to be much the same way.  The things we do for our small children – helping accustom them to rhythm, protecting the senses, understanding where they are in their bodies – lays the foundation for the years of ages 7-14 and 14-21.

Embracing and uplifting; the foundation of good parenting and good education.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Eight-Year-Old: A Traditional View

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Here are some general developmental characteristics of the eight-year-old as according to our friends at the Gesell Institute in the book, “Your Eight-Year-Old:  Lively and Outgoing” by Louise Bates Amers and Carol Chase Haber.

  • Expansive, outgoing, high energy, speedy!
  • Hard on themselves for mistakes (May say, “I never get anything right!”  “I always do things wrong!”) – At age 7, the child measures himself against his own demands, but at 8, he measures himself against what he perceives the adult demands are.
  • Love to talk!  May also boast quite a bit (remember back to age 4, there are similarities!)
  • Much less fatigue than at age 7, a big difference in physical stamina from age 7 but may still fatigue a bit with activities
  • “The relationship of child to Mother at Eight is perhaps more complex, intriguing, and  intense than at any other age.”  The child cannot get enough of Mother, her attention especially.  The  child may be highly possessive of her in a physical way, and also demand constant conversation and interaction.  This may be partly in preparation  for the nine-year-old change where the child begins to separate from Mother.  (Yes, we in Waldorf Land have recognized this for a LONG time, but it is nice to see a mainstream resource here and that that also sees it!)
  • The relationship with father is much less intense, much smoother than with Mother.  The child enjoys the company of the father but does not demand his attention the way Mother’s attention is demanded.
  • The child is HIGHLY aware of the relationship between the two parents in the household and is watching! 
  • Family is very important, and the eight-year-old is curious about all phone calls, conversations, etc.
  • Fairness is also big.  The eight-year-old may dramatize sibling fights, love to argue and pick up on mistakes.
  • “The Seven-Year-Old is concerned with himself and how others treat him; whereas the Eight-Year-Old is interested in his relationship with others.”
  • The Eight-Year-Old wants things with friends to go well and may even have a best friend (even though there may be arguing and disputing with said best friend, LOL).
  • THINKING:  Concrete operational stage, which is the BEGINNING of abstraction. Is starting to realize that  natural phenomena and inanimate objects do not have souls (this is not a Waldorf perspective remember, this is a mainstream perspective) and that the eight-year-old can distinguish between fantasy and reality.  Is STARTING to understand cause and effect, similarities and differences.
  • EATING/TABLE MANNERS:  Eats a good quantity, but eats rapidly.  Aware of good table manners, but may find it hard to put it into practice.  Also at family meal times, an eight-year-old tends to interrupt and argue and talk a lot.
  • SLEEPING:  Sleeps usually between 8 PM and wakes up between 7 and 7:30. (In Waldorf, an eight-year-old is typically in second grade with a bedtime of 7:45).  Ten hours of sleep is average.
  • HEALTH:  May see increase in hay fever, allergies, asthma at this age, and also ear infections and complaints involving the eye (watch out for eye fatigue and strain!)
  • VISION is a big deal at this age, the child may not be able to figure out visually where they are in space, they are more distracted by things in the peripheral visual field,  which can lead to the next section:
  • ACCIDENT PRONE – accidents are the MAIN cause of death at this age.
  • TENSIONAL OUTLETS – less tensional outlets than at six and seven noted.
  • SEXUAL  INTEREST: May be interest in sex play, sex jokes, babies, where babies come from and how they get out, what the father’s role is in sex.  Girls tend to ask more questions than boys.  Girls may be ready to be told about menstruation according to page 46 of this book.
  • PLAY:  In general, does not like to play alone.  Cooking, dramatizing, fixing things around the house, creating magic shows and other shows are enjoyed.  Dolls can still be prized by girls.  Boys may like models, electric trains, etc.  Paper dolls are also good for classifying, arranging, etc. Collections and collecting are strong at this age for both boys and girls.

That is a traditional viewpoint; we will look at an anthroposophic view next post!

Peace,

Carrie

“Social Experiences” For A Four-Year-Old

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A mother recently wrote in and asked about how to consider social opportunities for a four-year-old who has an infant sibling.  There are many choices out there for the three to five year olds, at least in the United States, ranging from classes to playgroups to park dates to field trips.

Well, you asked for my opinion so here goes!

I believe truly that the best unit for socialization for a four-year-old is the family and is siblings.  This is one of the best things about being home with our children; we get to spend so much wonderful time together.  In our society we talk a lot about “quality time” which in many ways I think is a fallacy for a young child.  It takes a lot of repetition for a child to remember what happens in childhood – sometimes YEARS of doing the same things on the same day is what they later remember into their teenaged years!  “Quantity time” is the truth.

Some four or four and a half year olds are socially interested, depending on the type of  little person that they are.  Awhile back this  age used to be when all Steiner/Waldorf kindergartens started accepting children; this has since dropped lower and lower to include three-year-olds in Kindergarten and also now Mother-Parent groups that may include walkers to three-year-olds.  (And I guess once you are three, you don’t need your Mommy anymore!  But I digress!)

Some four-year-olds are not very socially interested, or act as if they are interested until they have to be in the car, and then they are hungry and ask when they are going home after about five to ten minutes.  At any rate,  I believe the best social opportunities for social interaction outside of the family would be meeting once a week or so with one other family at a natural park or playground and to be able to plan to start with something STRUCTURED, whether this is a little craft, a song or singing games, digging in the sandbox together where the adults can hold the space and MODEL for the four-year-olds all those areas that are problematic – taking turns, resolving conflicts.

This is also unfortunately NOT the time for adult socialization, I am sorry to say. I know that is what so many of us as isolated, stay-at-home mothers crave, so I feel badly saying that.    However, many four-year-olds really need you there to see what is going on, and they need your help!  Just as you would not leave them to learn how to cook and operate a stove on their own, why do we feel it is okay to leave four year olds alone to “work things out”?  Four is a very expansive, out-of-bounds age (typically!  maybe not if you have a quiet little person!) and fours typically do need help and guidance because otherwise things quickly deteriorate into tears, aggression or other not so fun areas!

My last thought would be to keep the playtime short – an hour truly is plenty. 

Food for thought,

Carrie