Monthly Archives: July 2009

Down and Out: The July Doldrums

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Last year, I remember a group of us in our Waldorf  homeschool group were going through the  July doldrums.  The kids were cranky, we mothers felt cranky, everyone seemed ready for a change of pace.

And although I thought it was a one-time engagement,  it seems to be back!! The July Doldrums are here again!  What is it about this month?!

Last year, I really felt it was because in the region of the US where I live, we were in a drought.  No rain equated to going to the pool every day and even with a strong rest time during the day, it seemed like one giant outbreath.

This year, we have had rain and I still  feel about the same way as last year.  Tired, hot, and cranky, LOL!  Is anyone else feeling this way?

The question becomes, of course, what to do about it?  Here are some of my random thoughts that I am trying out myself:

1.  Circle the wagons close to home so to speak and really limit going out.

2.  Work hard on getting back into a rhythm (if you have lost it). 

3.  Stick as closely as possible to rest times and bed times so everyone is getting enough rest.

4.  Go back to the basics of good diet, one step foods that require little processing to eat, if that  is something that has gone awry.

5.  Inner work for Mama!  Don’t slack off of meditation and prayer just because it is summer.

6.  Take some time out of the busy Summer and do something just for you – yes, you really can do this, and yes, it is  necessary.  Plan something, have your spouse or partner or a neighbor take the kids for a few hours and relax!

7.  Get inspired for the coming school year if you start in Fall like many of us in the US do.  Read,  mediate and pray, plan. 

8.  Get support from other like-minded mothers to give you a holding hand (or a kick in the pants) should you need it, LOL!

Let’s all get inspired for fall!

Much love,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”: Chapter 3 “Discipline, Not Punishment”

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This chapter talks about the differences between discipline and punishment.  Punishment means to hurt by causing physical, emotional or social pain whereas discipline means to teach. 

I like this quote:  “Punishment disconnects parent and child.  It also produces anger, resentment, retaliation, fear, submission or passive aggression in the child.  It produces  guilt, remorse, and inconsistency of action in the parent because no one likes to see their child suffer for very long.  Discipline, on the other hand, is respectful, caring, and gives attention to the relationship.  Discipline does not intentionally hurt.  Both sides are left feeling connected.”

I think this is a major point; in Waldorf parenting we talk about how if you start out thinking you versus child in your head that you have already lost.  The magical and sacred connection between a child and a caring adult is broken, and no good teaching or imitative example for the child to follow can come from that. 

This chapter also talks about the difference between praise and encouragement and how encouragement is what one gives another during the process, and how praise is given at the end of a project.  Praise is frequently a judgment of the child, and in a way a kind of bribe as the child must “earn” the praise by doing the “right” thing (which is judged by the parent).  Encouragement, on the other hand, is something you can give a child that is not doing well, a child who is making mistakes, a child who needs to feel accepted and capable. 

The author talks about “overindulgent children.”  She mentions in this quote:  “Overindulgent children are ones not embraced in love, caring, and  nurturing their feelings.  They are not picked up when they cry as babies and don’t have anyone to acknowledge their feelings or care about what they think as children.  They are undernourished in caring, love and attention, and over-nourished in consumer goods.”  The author goes on to paint a very specific picture of what a overindulged child looks like, and what an overindulgent parent looks like.    This involves the whole concept of boundaries, which is something that Donna Simmons of www.christopherushomeschool.org talks about with frequency. 

The reality is that parents and other family members do have needs, and it is okay to teach your child that other people have needs!  Setting limits can be for the safety, health and sanity of all family members. 

The author writes, “The essential component of setting limits is sometimes we have to say “no” to our child’s request.  True discipline is not about making a child do what he is told, making a child come when called, or making a child keep his room clean.  It’s about helping him to be an interdependent person in charge of his future.  It’s about raising him to respect other people and to be responsible and caring also to himself.” 

She goes on to write, “Somehow, we expect our children to accept our “no” with pleasantness and  politeness, which is pretty  unrealistic when we can’t even muster that as adults!  The key is to stay calm after you say “no”.  You are dealing with a child’s anger.  You’re modeling self-control and self-discipline and that will go a long way in teaching a child to handle theirs.”

Children are  often verbally corrected many times a day, and the author points out that “no” can lose its impact.  Save your “no” for the big things, and let your rhythm carry the day.  Save your “no” for the things your family has decided is important in your family mission statement. 

Till next time,

Carrie

More On Marriage: How Do You Work With The Differences?

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Many mothers complain that their husbands are so lazy and so incompetent (which, to be fair, seems many times to be true!) but then these same mothers also wonder why their children are disrespectful to both parents.  Whew.  Many mothers also seem disappointed in their sons,  and what they perceive as such large differences between sons and daughters where the daughters seem more well-mannered/more intelligent/ etc than their sons.    Sometimes the differences between genders seems almost insurmountable in the home!  Small children are absorbing these impressions, how we talk to one another, the non-verbal communication, and really do understand the heart of how we feel in our own homes about one another.

Let’s tackle first things first.   Have you all noticed that many men do seem to be rather confused as to what their role is in this day and age?  It seems as if many of them wonder should their role be to work and make money or should it be to be sensitive and loving and able to care for the children?  Some men do seem to handle these roles well, but some do not……  Or is it that none of the roles “fit” and Dad ends up  just unhappy (and then it seems that some  Dads try to escape their own unhappiness through addictive or controlling  behaviors).  In this way, Dad is clearly not the head of the household in any way, shape or form and almost removes himself from family life.  It is Mom holding everything together.

Let me be clear, I am not condoning addictive behavior.  I am not condoning spouses who verbally or physically abuse their wives or children.  I am not writing this to make those who are going through a separation or  divorce feel guilty.  And although I did mention addiction issues above, really I am talking in this post  more about “normal” marriages where things are not going quite as well as one wishes.

To start with, let’s call a spade a spade.  A man is not a woman, and if woman expect a man to behave as a woman that is not understanding the differences!   Besides the obvious differences in physical appearance, weight, weight of the brain, ways the brain works, there are obvious social differences between men and women.  In my church, we have been doing a study of a biblical marriage based on the movie “Fireproof” (Has anyone seen that movie??).   According to my pastor, there was a study done through Harvard University that cited a man speaks, on average, 10, 000 words a day.  A woman speaks, on average, 25, 000 words a day.  (So, in my mind, a man has probably used up many of his words at work before he even comes home, LOL).  A different study cited that women stated they felt having at least a half an hour to forty-five minutes to talk with their partner was ideal.  Men felt about 10 to 15 minutes – a WEEK!- would be sufficient.  So there are some obvious differences!    However, perhaps there are ways to talk with your spouse or partner and at least come to an understanding of what each of you needs to be happy.

What does one do when Dad is not acting as the head of what is going on in the family?  I talk a lot on this blog of how many times the tone of the home needs to begin with the mother, how we are the light of the family, how we set a peaceful tone, how we model what is to be done with the children, etc.  But the truth is that there are two of us involved in making a baby, and there are two of us involved in parenting and two different perspectives to consider.  Mothers often get very upset when fathers do not do things the way they do, but are we the same people? No, of course not, so why would we do things the same way?   Have we shut Dad out by not letting him do anything because it is not “right”?  Have we belittled his efforts in front of our children? 

And what do we do when Dad is not really  participating in household life at all?  (And again, this is NOT about Dads who are fighting addiction issues.  This is more about the normal ups and downs of marriage that we all go through).

I wonder several things:

  • I wonder if mothers can meditate and clarify what they specifically need from their husbands and can these mothers make a specific request that would be responded to by their husbands?  Not just the whole “everything is terrible” but something small and specific to start.
  • Secondly, I wonder about what the husbands need and how those needs are being met in the home.  Men very frequently operate based upon a code of respect.  Is the home a place of nagging, a place where things are falling apart, a place where the man is not the champion of the home?  What would happen if the husband was treated as if he was the champion of the home and respected?  Would that change anything at all (it might not, I am just throwing it out there).   What can you do this week to make your husband feel respected in his own home? 
  • Third, I wonder about family mission statements.  Have you all sat down and figured out a mission statement for your family – which would include what is important to ALL of you.  There is a popular post on this blog regarding writing a mission statement for your family here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/
  • Many times counseling is extremely important for getting through the stage where you are both stuck because otherwise the same patterns play over and over and over.  One type of counseling  I am aware of  is this one: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/ called Imago Therapy. 
  • I also wonder if the man has any physical things going on that is impacting his health, his mental health.  What kind of friends does he have?  Does he have any strong models for fathering at all?
  • I wonder if  resentment is taking over in a marriage, can one start just by loving one’s spouse (again, NOT talking about abusive or addictive situations here!).  There is a very old saying that love is a verb.  Sometimes we don’t feel “loving” but as we do actions that show love and respect for the other person, then that “feeling” starts to grow again. 

Fathers do need to re-claim their place within the home.  It is important for a wife to show her husband respect, but it is equally important for a husband and father to show not only respect to his wife, but love.  It is important for a husband to create  a space where his wife feels safe.  Is this happening for you, what would this look like for you and what would you need to make this happen?

One small example I can think of this is where many fathers I have seen  will take their children aside when they are being disrespectful to  their mothers and simply say, “ I cannot and will not have you speak in that manner to the woman I love.”  This carries powerful weight to a child and suggests to the child the importance of this sacred marital relationship. 

My husband has said to me that there are no perfect wives and no perfect husbands (and therefore no perfect marriages!).  However, I hope that if you are at the point of resentment in your marriage, you could both go to counseling, you could both talk, you could both love and forgive each other through this and re-build on your marriage off the foundation that already exists  (and again, this is NOT to make those who are going through or who have gone through a separation and/or divorce feel guilty!).  So many important and wonderful things exist in this sacred marital union that cannot be fulfilled other places – the physical intimacy that is truly emotional intimacy, the communication and partnership that exists between two people committed for the family – it is worth fighting for, isn’t it? It is worth some effort, and it takes some effort, outside of parenting and homeschooling to make this happen. 

Marriage is a powerful and sacred connection.  All of us want to be loved for a lifetime, and I hope in the “busy-ness” of parenting and homeschooling, that both husbands and wives can stop and cherish the wonderful partnership that they  have together.

Much love,

Carrie

Sibling Rivalry and Fighting: How Much to Intervene

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Many parents have the question of if my children are fighting, how much do we step in and intervene?  Many parents have the attitude that the children need to “work it out.”

I think children who are under the age of 7 often do not have the skills to “work it out.”  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.   Sometimes it will be “worked out” mainly to the satisfaction of the older child, which can be okay if the younger child is happy (and you are not judging whether or not the solution is “fair” from an adult perspective!).  However, please do remember that ages  4 and 6 are especially bossy, aggressive ages for many children and leaving them to “work it out” without your physical presence and perhaps some guidelines often leads to some sort of physical altercation with someone in tears.

To me, when small children fight, it may mean that they need you to hold a stronger presence around them.  They may need you to say, Oh, I need help in chopping these vegetables for dinner or Oh, I need your help in planting seeds or whathave you.  It may mean you need to go and look back at how present you are, and also where your rhythm and the place of very physical, outside time is within your rhythm. 

Being a listening ear with loving arms can go a long way toward soothing strong emotions and tears even without providing much of a solution.  Just having an adult understand how upsetting a situation can be is helpful.  You really don’t need a lot of words, just a calm presence

I like the positively-phrased aspect of working with two small children regarding conflict resolution:   “We share” or “You may have a turn when your sister is done”, but the truth of the matter is that you  also need to be right there to help the children follow-through.  Some children really do need to hear an adult count out the length of a turn so the turns are “fair.”

Fairness can be a big deal, but it also should be understood over time by children that fair is not always equal and different members of the family have different needs.  I truly believe that when you have children over the age of 7 and also children under the age of 7, setting rites of passages helps immensely because the younger children can see that certain things happen when one is 6 or 7 or 8 that do not happen before.  A two-year-old and a six-year-old are at different development stages and should be treated as such.

Conflict between siblings will probably never stop, and to frame it more positively this is the first place where children really learn about dealing with another person, how to deal with conflict, the concepts of fairness, equality, how to deal with jealousy and other strong emotions.  It can be hard, but it can be a time of extreme growth.

Many mothers attempt to instill the notion of the older as the protector and caretaker of the younger sibling as a way to defuse argument.  I agree with this to a certain extent, and have seen this work successfully within many families, but I think we also need to be careful to understand that a six or seven or eight year old can really take this concept and run with it to the point of being incredibly bossy and demanding of the younger child in the guise of being the “Mommy” or “Daddy” figure if Mommy and Daddy are not right there.  I think we also have to be careful not to push our oldest daughters into the position of feeling as if they are raising children or doing much of mother’s work.

Your oldest child also has needs, and with homeschooling, I feel many times those older over 7 and 8 year old children do need a few social outlets with children mainly of their own age since they may be spending a lot of time at home with younger siblings.  I know this could be an extreme source of controversy, and not every parent feels this way, but I have certainly noticed my oldest daughter appreciates things here and there that involve mainly her own age group and being  a part of that.  As a child heads toward the nine-year-change and beyond, building a sense of trusted community outside of the immediate nuclear family in limited doses can become important. 

Of course, siblings and the close intimacy of the family are the most important relationships your child can experience in many ways.  To me, siblings is one of the greatest gifts I feel you can give your child!

All family members treating one another with respect, courtesy and having a peaceful household is so important in setting the stage for how we treat those outside of our family.  Let us be as kind to one another in our home as we would be to strangers requiring our help.  What a wonderful model for our children!

Blessings today,

Carrie

Carrie

Carrie’s Laws of Childhood

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I am sure many of you have read Dr. Helmut von Kugelgen ‘s famous article “The Laws of Childhood”, published in the WECAN publication “The Developing Child:  The First Seven Years:  The Gateways Series Three” .  It is an excellent article and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  It really got me thinking about  my own “laws of childhood” or “Truths in Parenting for the Under 7 child”.  Lots of fun.

1.  You must start with yourself.  If you are not happy, if you are not joyous, if you are finding the transition to mothering difficult, then get some inspiration and some support for you.  Make some time for you as well.  If you need professional help for your own baggage, for depression, for a physical ailment, for your marriage – get it!  Your children are relying on you,  on finding a centered and peaceful you, and you can do this!

2.  Get connected and stay connected with your child.  Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing are all  important  tools to do  this, as are consistent and loving, gentle limits as your child grows.  Get clear about gentle discipline:  what it is and what it isn’t.  I do not advise “time-out” for any small child at all (and we won’t even mention other so-called discipline tactics such as hitting, spanking, yelling, verbal abuse, sarcasm, etc.)  Also, watch your words like the pearls they are!  Have positive things to say about your small child and their temperament!  Build up the positive image of them in your head, and all their capabilities and wonderful traits!

3.Development takes a long time, and infants and small children are not miniature adults.  Do not rush developmental phases.  If you do everything before they are 7, what is there to look forward to?  Keep asking yourself, is this activity or  this information for a four-year-old, a six-year-old or a ten-year old?

4.  Protect your child’s childhood!  Keep things light and use lots of creative humor; protect their 12 senses, keep them from being over-stimulated.  The most important thing the under-7 child experiences is NOT field trips, or vacations to exotic places or early learning, but being home and learning how to be a rhythmical being.  Which leads us to……

5.  It is part of your job to set limits and a flow to things, ESPECIALLY if you have a high-needs child who by definition needs help in this area.  It is okay to set a general flow, and it is very important that this flow includes ample time for rest and sleep and plenty of physical activity outdoors.

6.  It is also your job to foster your child’s feeling that the world is beautiful, and that there is something Higher Than Man.  Check your adult religious baggage at the door and do not dump it on your children!  Explore your own path, you are a spiritual being on a spiritual journey just like your child! 

7. If you are in a committed relationship, keep working on that relationship.  You are modeling adult relationships for your child who is soaking all of these impressions in.  Your child is not a replacement for the intimacy of your spouse or partner.  Check out what communication patterns you and your partner are using and modeling for your children to see.

8.  Work with your small child out of your sense of their need for rhythm, less stimulation, imitation, movement, imaginative play, and quit talking to them out of your head and dumping explanation upon explanation on top of them!  This sounds harsh, but please receive it in the spirit of love with which I intend it:  I can tell you your child does not honestly care about all the explanations that you are providing and many times are puzzled, but they just learn this question and explanation game  is a lovely verbal game to play and  a way to get attention from their parents who communicate this way!

9.  Help your child to play, and show them what real work looks like!  Learn something to show them that you can do with your hands!  Bake, knit, sew, paint, fix things, clean!  There are posts on this blog regarding the fostering of creative play, and look for some more coming up!

10.  Spark your child’s soul through music, finger plays, rhymes and verses, festival celebrations, snuggling together, special warming foods, outside time in nature to be free, the telling of  stories and fairy tales.  This can be hard work for many of us who have forgotten these things or never had these things from our own childhood, but it is worth recapturing!

Catch the joy of childhood,

Carrie

More Planning for Fall 101

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So, many folks I know are now  knee-deep in planning for fall.  I have many posts on this blog regarding planning for Waldorf Kindergarten, Waldorf First Grade and Waldorf Second Grade that you can access via the “tags” box.  I also wrote two separate posts regarding planning during the summer here:  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/14/summer-planning-for-the-five-and-six-year-old-kindergarten-years/   and this one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/13/summer-planning-waldorf-and-the-early-years/

What else is there to consider?

Four things came to my mind today:

1.  Planning for festivals – For those of you who are new to festival celebrations, you may wish to consider those which are typical of a Waldorf home and then see if those resonate with you (or not).  Obviously you can add in the festivals that are part of your own religious or spiritual path as well!

Typical Waldorf festivals include:Michaelmas, Martinmas, Saint Nicholas Day, Santa Lucia Day, Advent, Christmas, The 12 Days of Christmas, Epiphany, Candlemas, Lent celebrations, Spring/Easter Festival, May Day, Whitsun, St. John’s Day/Midsummer Eve – along with many others. Some folks include solstices and equinoxes as well.   Steiner himself had many lectures regarding the indications of these festivals that you can find on-line at www.waldorflibrary.org or through the Rudolf Steiner Audio Archives.  Look into them, see what resonates with you and your family.  If you find a festival that resonates with you, count back two or even three weeks from the festival date and plan festival preparations as part of your homeschooling experience.  This could include making crafts, learning songs and verses, and baking and cooking and storytelling.   Remember, with small children under the age of 7, the festival is about the DOING, not the explaining WHY.

2.  Planning for homemaking along with homeschooling as part of the flow of your day – a large opportunity we have as homeschoolers is the ability to teach our children practical life skills.  What significant tasks about your home will your children be learning and practicing (or imitating alongside you) this school year?

3.  How often will you leave the house?  As a homeschooler, I could go out all day, every day!  In the major metropolitan area where I live, there is always something going on.  Many mothers I know restrict their “going out” with the children to one day a week, and try to grocery shop or run other errands at night after the children are asleep.  This may be difficult if you have small children that need your presence at night, but I do think it is something to consider thinking about:  what errands do you typically run on a daily (I know some folks in the city or over in Europe do stop by the market daily), weekly, monthly, quarterly.  Make a list and see where this will fit in with your homeschooling experience.

The other area to consider is how many activities your children are involved in, because especially as they grow and the world “opens up” a bit, it can be easy to run in different directions with different activities depending upon what your children are interested in.  Personally, I know this fall with being very late in pregnancy and expecting a new baby, the activities of our family will be decreased.    At the same time, though, one of our children is an eight-year old expecting a new sibling, (not a two- or three-year old!) , and her needs are different than the under –7 child.  So, it is always a balancing act to see how to meet the different needs of the different aged children in your family.

4.  Where is the time for you in your homeschooling flow?  Do you have anything you can call your own?  Do you ever get to leave the house, even for an hour, with no children at all?  Usually even a small baby can go for a walk with Dad and the older siblings with you at home.  It is important to remember that you set the tone for your home.  There are many wonderful parents who seem to be able to do this with no need for solitude for personal rejuvenation and balance, but I personally find a little time to myself is helpful. If this is also you, then perhaps this is something to consider within the daily, weekly or monthly flow you are setting up. 

Hope this stimulates some good planning ideas for you,

Carrie

Stress Signs in Infants

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(Note- This is from a pediatric physical therapy viewpoint today).

A brilliant comment from anthromama on my last post regarding “40 Days After Birth and Beyond” stimulated a small idea in my head!  Many of you know that I am a neonatal physical therapist by profession and in my work, recognizing and calming an infant in stress is a huge part of what I do.  So, with that in mind, I thought I would list the stress signs of an infant here for everyone to see because it never occurred to me that folks might not recognize stress signs in their own full-term infants (yes, a full-term infant can still have stress signs – remember, protect those 12 senses!)

Stress signs:

The baby will salute you – essentially this looks like a baby stretching out their hand toward you, (usually the back of the hand toward you) and up towards their face.  Parents will say, “How cute! He is waving at me!”  Nope, nope and nope.

The baby will extend the arm and splay the fingers apart.

The baby will frown, grimace, grunt.

The baby will all of the sudden start yawning, hiccupping, or sneezing multiple times.  (Yes, babies do yawn, hiccup, or sneeze but this is more like 10 times in a row or more all of the sudden).

The baby will arch the back and neck and push away (and yes, some babies with gastroesophageal reflux disease will also arch and push away).

The baby will look away suddenly and for a long period after having a period of wonderful eye contact on a caregiver’s face – think about this one carefully.  We ourselves do not maintain focused eye contact on others when we are in conversation, but often our eyes are scanning and resting, scanning and resting.   The looking away is a sign the baby needs a break and less focus.

The baby will cry.  This is usually a last sign when all other signs have been ignored.

The baby will become frantic and move all extremities wildly.

Or, conversely, the baby will just shut down, shut his or eyes and tune everything out.

What To Do:

Breastfeed and gently but firmly snuggle your infant

Try tucking your infant’s arms and legs close into their body.  See if you can help your infant clasp their hands together or to bring their hand to their mouth if they are not nursing.

Try talking to your infant before touching them – let them know you are there!

Hold your baby about 10 inches or so from your face – the distance they see best at first if  you are wanting to make direct eye contact.  Vision is not the most utilized sense in a newborn!

Turn down the lights; bright lights bother many infants

Swaddling!

Most importantly, decrease the multiple inputs going on – if the other kids are screaming, the dog is barking, the phone is ringing – well, see if you can turn the phone off, calm the kids, let the dog go outside.

Let the baby hold your finger.

For “All-Out Crying”

Sometimes babies just need a release and that is okay while being held and soothed, but we really want the infant to establish trust in that a caregiver will meet their needs (in other words, no crying it out for a small baby!)   If nursing is not doing the trick, some babies enjoy being swaddled and held upright with motion such as  being walked around.  Some babies I have loved who had more severe neurologic challenges have responded best to being rather tightly swaddled, sucking on my gloved finger in a sidelying position with their head higher than their stomach and being “gently  rhythmically bounced” (ie, if they are on your leg, cross one leg over the other leg, put the infant on their side on the leg that is highest with their head away from you and tap your bottom leg to a  slow rhythmic beat).  I need to take a picture so you all can see it better.  Sometimes sucking along with a gentle rhythmical bouncing or rocking is very helpful for any infant in distress.

Babies that are happy:

Are in a quiet and alert state.

The face, arms and legs are relaxed.

The baby can focus on objects or people.

Their eyes are open and they try to smile.

There was a post I wrote quite awhile ago regarding why babies cry, typical crying patterns, etc:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/when-babies-cry-and-what-we-can-all-learn-from-the-high-needs-baby-and-child/

Hope this helps stimulate some thought,

Carrie

40 Days After Birth and Beyond

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Gypsy, a reader of this blog from New Zealand, wrote this post on her blog that I wanted to share with you: http://domesticallyblissed.blogspot.com/2009/07/more-than-suburban-neurosis.html I am sharing Gypsy’s concern regarding not only  the general lack of time mothers today have to prepare and dream for a birth while pregnant, but also this thought that as soon as possible one must jump back into the old routine. My Dutch neighbor asked me yesterday why people in the U. S.  brought tiny infants to movies….. (My European and Down Under readers, is this only a U.S. phenomenon???  I would like to know!  Please leave me a comment!)  Her thought was that a movie is so very loud and overstimulating and she wondered why mothers are trying perhaps hard to prove that “they have had a baby but can still do all the things they used to do”?  I am not sure if this is the reason mothers bring infants to movies, or if it is just “something to do to get out of the house”, but I do wonder. What makes us think that this is okay for a tiny baby?  (Well, okay, what makes us think this is okay for children in general under the age of 7 or 9?  That is a whole ‘nother post topic!) A child under the age of 9 and especially a small baby is WIDE open to the world with no filters, no sensors.  All those sensory impressions just come pouring in!  I cannot tell you all the number of hospital rooms I have walked into to treat a tiny newborn and had to ask the parents to please turn a very noisy and loud television or radio program off!  I have felt badly for these infants’ assaulted senses. I am a very attached mother, and I have many, many attached friends.  But please, let’s not use the fact that we can breastfeed in a sling to drag a baby all over creation!  Our bodies can act as a filter for some of the sensory impressions for our babies, but the question is shouldn’t part of being a mother be that we put the sensory needs of our smallest and most fragile first and foremost?  Shouldn’t the birth of a baby be a time of wonder and  enjoyment and yes, a slower pace?  What have we to prove by running errands all over town and everything else?  I had one friend who came from a large family who commented wryly  that a new baby was always the best time because their mother stayed home with the new baby and the older children got to go to their friends’ houses a lot.  But, the point is, their mother slowed down and took care of the youngest member of the family.  Your baby will only be a tiny baby once.   I encourage you to not only take your forty days, but also to slow down your life for a year and get used to being home.  I think this adjustment comes sooner or later.  I have had many mothers who have lamented to me that once their baby was walking and such it “was difficult to go to Starbucks and enjoy a cup of coffee” or go out to lunch as the child wouldn’t sit there any longer.  I understand that, I really do – they hit an adjustment period, a true adjustment.    They realized after a bit of time that they needed to be more firmly entrenched in their homes and that  having a child was changing them and their lives.  It was this sense of surrendering that had to occur and these mothers had to take charge of their own homes.  This can be a difficult journey for so many of us, and I would love to dialogue more about how to make this transition to home a reality. More to come, Carrie

A Few Thoughts About The Waldorf Baby (And Beyond!)

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I have recently been reading Steiner’s “Theosophy” and re-reading bits and pieces of Lois Cusick’s wonderful book, “The Waldorf Parenting Handbook“.”  (This is an excellent book, by the way, although it probably could have had a better title!)

At any rate, what I have been discovering is the view of the baby through the lens of the three – (and four-fold) human being.  Even if you are not an anthroposophist, I think there is a lot of wisdom to be gained from this perspective.  Grab a cup of tea, sit down and think with me for a few minutes!  You can understand this!

From an anthroposophic viewpoint, birth is seen as the end of a long spiritual process where the infant chooses parents and the infant struggles to “incarnate” into a new physical body.  This notion seems odd to many folks, but I ask that even if you don’t believe this, observe babies!  As a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist, I have had the opportunity to observe literally thousands of babies – some developing “normally” and some not.    Watch them, look at them – their arms and legs are not under their control at first, they have to develop that control over time and yes, through a bit of struggle!  The tasks of the first three years from a simplified anthroposophic viewpoint especially is to develop eye contact,  to develop  this  physical control of the muscles, to then attain an upright position, to learn to talk  (through imitation) and then that glimmer of thought when they first refer to themselves as “I”. 

Lois Cusick notes in her book on page 1 that when small children ask, “Where do I come from?” that a picture is a better way to answer than an abstract notion.  She remarks, “One old picture that has done good service is the archetypal white dove-shaped form winging its way down from heaven.  This shape on the medieval tapestries and stained glass Cathedral windows  is called the Dove of the Holy Spirit.  To the peasants, it looked remarkably like the shape of the homely village storks dropping down to roost in the chimmneys.  From them we have inherited the notion of the stork bringing the child’s soul to earth.”

No, I am not suggesting you tell your child the stork brought them per se!   However, read on for an interesting connection to this as seen by Lois Cusick:  “It is interesting to find that the archetypal shape of the descending Dove of the Holy Spirit is indeed laid into the very structure of the human body, in the larynx, breastbone and womb……..The human larynx gives birth  to human words; behind the breastbone lies the human heart, where love is born, and the womb gives birth to the child…..In early Christian art, where the Dove of the Holy Spirit hovers over  Mary, there are often the words Et incarnatus est.  And it incarnates.  What incarnates?  In the larynx, the human word; in the heart, the divine quality of love; in the womb, the child of God.  Those are my answers,” she writes, “The picture symbols leave each mind free to interpret and judge according to one’s inclinations.”

All of this is very interesting!  However, even if you don’t believe in or agree with the anthroposophic viewpoint that the child has come to you after a long spiritual journey with a destiny to have you as a parent, perhaps you can resonate with the fact that the physical body and control of that body is something an infant has to grow into!  In fact, this process of “growing into” the physical body happen during – yup, you guessed it!- the first seven years of life!  We lay down rhythms to help our child in this process, we keep our children in their bodies and not so much their heads and we help our children lay a foundation for their future health in doing so!

So the question becomes:  what can we do with the baby to assist this process?  Here are some thoughts!

  • We can work on ourselves!  We can  work hard to lead the lives of good people, moral people, upstanding people.   This work never ends, but does continually grow.  As a Christian, I personally think about the Fruit of the Spirit, those traits.  Steiner talked about “The Great Virtues” – justice, prudence, courage, wisdom.  He also talked about faith, hope and love.   Most major world religions have these attributes as part of their faith.  If you have no specific spiritual path, I urge you to look closer at this for the sake of your children; leave your own adult baggage behind and investigate it further and see if you can open your heart to what may resonate inside.
  • We can protect our child during birth with good birthing practices and by breastfeeding. Rahima Baldwin Dancy has much to say regarding this in her book, “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher.”  Perhaps you can  go back to that book and re-read that part and see if it resonates differently with you.
  • We don’t let infants “cry it out”, we provide loving warmth and joy and eye contact between all family members and this new life.
  • We keep the baby home for at least six weeks after birth, and we protect the infant’s 12 senses by not dragging the infant around for  endless errands in a carseat after that if possible!  Who has done a 40-day “lying in” out there?  Please do leave some comments in the comment section!
  • We can keep our babies warm!  Warmth is such an important thing in small babies.   Try this post to help give you inspiration:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/early-years-nurturing-young-children-at-home/the-waldorf-baby/dressing-the-very-young-child.html
  • We can take our babies outside, weather permitting, for walks and even for naps outside!
  • The baby experiences “good” in its world in these early months by being loved by its mother and father. The parents can  attempt to live an unhurried and unstressed life so the baby can develop trust and see goodness.
  • We  can recognize that  it takes years to develop into the physical body, and we honor not to rush this process through infant walkers, through the use of “Teach Your Baby to Read” programs, through “Baby Einstein.”  We respect that the baby is a baby with skills and abilities that will unfold.
  • We allow the baby to move – we have times where the baby can move freely in a safe environment.   By the same token, we allow the baby to speak without “teaching” speech and correcting the heck out of the imitated speech that is just forming!  However, on the other hand, we don’t use baby talk!
  • As the child learns to think, to have a sense of themselves as separate, around the age of “3”,  we can provide boundaries even if we had not had to set many before!  This is of utmost importance – provide these loving, warm boundaries  but  yes, boundaries that  exist for the child so the child learns to function in our world and in our space.  In the article “Birth to the Age of Three:  Our Responsibility” by Dorothy Olson and available at www.waldorflibrary.org, she writes, “When we give direction to the child or make requests of the child, or say that we are going to do something, we must be clear in our thinking, phrase our request in the positive, then stay with the direction and be consistent.  If we reverse direction, we damage the child, we cause nervousness and insecurity.”  (Carrie’s note:  And yes, I know many attached and loving parents who would totally disagree with that last sentence!).  She goes on to write, “Parents and teachers who are constantly inconsistent, do not allow the child to meet the realities of existence.  The child is then educated for a life which does not exist, becomes weak, and is at the mercy of its surroundings and of other people.”

(What this talk on boundaries  means is NOT that you are a dictator – you are gentle, loving, and calm and  you THINK about your house, the tone in your house, and yes, what boundaries you need in your house from there with the needs of everyone considered!  There are posts on this site regarding creating family mission statements that may assist you.  The key is to understanding a three year old and a four year old is in IMITATION, and in their BODIES.  Thinking ahead and “consequences” is not really up their alley yet!  🙂 ).

It is a big task, a wonderful task , a wonderful opportunity,  a gift to be able to refine the kind of parent you want to be, starting from now!

Thanks for reading!

Just a few deep thoughts for today,

Carrie

Some Inspiration for Summer Planning and Parenting

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Try this link from Lovey-land  to Melisa Nielsen’s “Planning” topic on her show (the show is audio, so fold some laundry and listen!)

http://lovey-land.blogspot.com/2009/07/key-to-waldorf-homeschooling.html

She has some great things to say that will inspire you, and would be great just for general parenting and homeschooling as well!

Be inspired today!

Carrie